#old daemon thoughts

Weekend

Closing my laptop and releasing another small yawn I gently kiss the little bluebird daemon on my shoulder and smile, thanking her for the company and participation in the online group event that had just come to a close. At one point there had been a request for participants to yell a phrase, and while I had been too self conscious to do it, she and Cayde had taken it up gladly and with much gusto. Rhea had been fluttering around my head while Cayde had shifted into a coyote just to take advantage of throwing his head back dramatically and doing his best to be louder than everyone in the room. It was an honest toss up between him and my housemate Ashley. He's so annoying, I think while patting his side to remind him I need room if he wanted me to get "off my ass". As he put it.

I feel his laugh resonate through my chest as he shifts again at my request. In a blink of an eye the coyote is replaced by a wolverine rushing over to bury his dark face in the golden neck fur of my partner's daemon. I pause only briefly, but long enough to appreciate how tenderly Cayde was grooming the smaller marten, before I too am wrapping up my partner lovingly in my arms. We make small talk of how lovely the event had been as we prepare for the second, and most entertaining, part of the night. Pot smashing.

From her spot on the couch Ashe pointed at our desk and her slingshot just waiting to be used. You see, we had prepared two clay pots and the next step was to SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER. Rhea trills a soft laugh as the scene with Izma flashes through our head. Okay, hammer after, slingshot now. We quickly gathered everything and head outside as the excitement and anticipation finally was reaching unbearable levels. We had been waiting for this all day! Even Ashe was getting up to join us outside. It may have been because we were using her slingshot, but Cayde and I knew she was itching to use it again just as bad as we were.

It doesn't take long to set everything up and with both my daemons safely behind me I make the first shot...and miss. Cayde makes some snarky remark from Thom's side and Rhea encouragingly says I'll get the next one as she settles on my partner Em's second daemon, Ani. Em was up next and they mirrored my shot almost exactly. I could feel both our daemons judging us silently, or not so silently. Cayde was never one to hide a snicker. After a few turns back and forth, neither of us having much luck, I catch Ashe's daemon chuffing in amusement. Before I had the chance to realize she had moved Ashe was gripping my wrist and attempting to help fix my stance and aim while giving me a few pointers. Not that it did me much good. As soon as she stepped back I missed just as badly as before. I grumble as Cayde falls to his side and continues to laugh at my rotten luck.

He doesn't laugh for long. The mountain lion daemon had quickly sprang from Ashe's side, playfully pinning the wolverine as her human rolled her eyes and took the slingshot from my hands. She apparently had enough of my aim and wanted to see shards fly. I sit defeated between Em and Cayde. I now feel just as humiliated as he did, but I wasn't going to help free him from Cal, not after all his teasing.

Crack

No surprise, of course Ashe got it dead center. She looks over at the two of us and smirks at her victory. That's what happens when you let the one person who knows what she's doing have a go at it. "Show off", Cayde grumbled at Ashe before worming his way out from under the feline.

She absolutely was but I wasn't going to admit how thankful I was that some progress had finally been made. It had been looking like it was going to be a long night with each miss. But like magic Ashe's shot seemed to have solved all our issues. Our odds suddenly increased and we were finally landing hits and breaking the darn things. Rhea cheered from her perch on Ani's hound head as we quickly decimated the rest of the pieces and finally we reached the point of them being small enough for smashing with a hammer. I couldn't help but laugh like a little kid at the satisfying sensation of them crumbling under the force of the hammer. But Rhea quoting Izma was icing on the cake for me.

I take another look around at everyone present. My partner, Ashe and her partner, and my housemate Ashley. All our daemons mingling and laughing together over how ridiculous but fun this whole thing had been. If someone had asked me what I considered a perfect night this would have been it. They'd have to do this again. Soon. Only next time Ashe wasn't going to be the one landing the first shot.

----

Some reference in case things weren't clear. My daemons are Cayde and Rhea. My partner Em has the daemons Thom and Ani. Thom is a yellow throated marten and Ani took the form of a windhound for this. Ashe's daemon is Cal the mountain lion.

I took some creative liberties. I am unsure of what Thom and Ani were doing or what forms they had taken. But I figured these were pretty safe bets and I can't check at the moment because I'm the only one awake as I write this.

Cayde is still a fox.

It's so weird. After another animal becomes iconic for him he goes and throws me a new surprise by adding another form into the mix. But, it's also not a complete surprise at this point. I had been musing on the idea of the wolverine fitting me in a specific way and in protest he changed into a black fox maybe three days ago. It hasn't been for very long but it certainly got his point across. Snake and rabbit are my forms. Grackle is his form. The wolverine has been...maybe the most simple way to explain it is the wolverine is our expression of love? It's tied heavily to my girlfriend and her daemon. But it doesn't represent me in the way I had been questioning when Cayde rebelled. I had been wondering if the wolverine was a core association but he was adamant about reminding me that is still, and will always be, the fox.

For those who may not have read past posts about this let me explain. The very first time I meet a new daemon they appear as a fox. Not tied to any specific type or even reality, but it's undeniably a fox every time. I ended up considering this a subconscious form. Another example of the fox being relevant in my life is how a while after meeting Cayde I ended up creating a fox fursona (not influenced by having a daemon and I have also tried to change the species and failed every time) and even considered myself a fox therian at one point. While I have a weird love-hate relationship with foxes I can't escape them as a core association. Considering something else, again pushing the fox away, got Cayde to push it right back in my face. So...

Cayde is still a fox.

I'm done.

Oh god that sounds dramatic. What I mean is I'm done trying to make sense of everything my brain here is doing. I tried to rationalize and analyze every daemon and why I had them. Why do I have Cayde? Why did I have five daemons at one point? Why do I only have one again? It is always something I've had a very bad habit of doing. Trying to jump the gun and find the answer as soon as possible. Sometimes it works, but then later on we realize things were not all they appeared.

Take my headmate Ashe for example. I thought I knew why she was here. Where she came from and that she was likely more a temporary headmate or something like that. Then it became very obvious in a short amount of time that was pretty wrong. But still, the other reason we thought about doesn't even feel right anymore either. Our assumption even caused a bit of an "oof" at one point and I regret ever saying anything about it because it ended up not being true at all.

When I'm in front Ashe and Cal both know Cayde's thoughts and actions. When Ashe is in front everyone knows the same of Cal. However, the less in front Ashe is the more secretive her daemon becomes. I generally know what Ashe is thinking or feeling, even if not in detail, but never Cal. I personally do not have any kind of connection with Cal and I cannot hear her thoughts and have no idea what she is doing. It is very strange. I think I have described it before that she is one layer too deep within the system.

A woman slumped forward at her desk, barely aware of the music playing, staring blankly at the work laid out on the screen before her. The longer she sat the heavier her breathing became, the weight of exhaustion pressing on her chest with each additional exhale. But she had to remain at her cold and disheveled desk. Work was necessary. A desert cottontail daemon stirred from under the chair as another wave overcame them.

I need to do something

The daemon thought, mostly to themself, but knew it would be enough to stir the same thoughts within their partner. But instead of helping it only caused frustration in the woman. The urge to “do something” only came across as needing to complete work, which was far, far from what Æshe had intended. They both needed to relax, and even if they lost out on their chance to sleep, they should enjoy their morning as best as possible. As her partner’s breath continued to drag the daemon’s became steady as their rabbit nose twitched in deep contemplation.

However, the mental fog was nearly impossible to push through and soon Æshe found themself slipping back into the same weary state as the woman. But right before it fully took grasp the blinds shifted next to their desk and a bit of light managed to reflect off the computer screen. This sparked just enough inspiration and with one last nose twitch a small bluebird seamlessly replaced the rabbit.

Rhea quickly flew up to the woman’s shoulder, gave a kiss on the cheek, and then proceeded to hop over to the window sill. She moved one of the blades over and pecked at a bright blue pot that barely fit next to her. The window sill was rather narrow but provided just enough room for a small plant to sun itself. Rhea was already rather fond of the ivy plant they had gotten a few short days ago. She gave a little trill of joy and then sent a wave of love through her connection to her partner. Even if exhausted the woman couldn’t help but feel a bit uplifted by her daemon’s joy. She stared at Rhea and then at the ivy and picked the pot up to admire the plant briefly before placing it back down and patting the bluebird’s head gently.

Then to Rhea’s disappointment her partner returned to staring blankly at the screen feeling just as dead as before. The bluebird sighed and gave in to her own exhaustion and was replaced by a much larger and gruff bird. Cayde was not the most attractive grackle around and he gave a dark chuckle on the small irony that he looked exactly as he felt. At least his partner looked deceptively more put together. He stared quietly at the woman who was busy trying to think of a clever comeback to the soft, good-humored jabs he was sending through their link.

He wasn’t creative, and he wasn’t energetic, and he wasn’t even a positive person. But he knew exactly what the woman was going through and what she went through all night. Even though all the daemons shared a single body Cayde and the woman were far closer than the others. In comparison to everyone else he didn’t want to do anything that morning, he had no interest in distracting his partner, inspiring her, or even promoting work. He just wanted to exist in the moment and accept everything they felt together. So, he did just that. Cayde moved to the keyboard and rested his feathered body right in the way of the woman’s hands. She couldn’t ignore him and she also couldn’t work.

The woman looked at him confused for a moment and then realizing what he was doing sighed deeply and joined in the simple experience of enjoying each other's company. Spending time with someone who didn’t need words to understand her, who didn't expect anything of her. They sat there, joking here and there, and being just as absolutely horrendously tired as before. But just as Æshe had intended from the start the woman was now happy. Their morning did not go according to plan and work would drag on but at least they had each other and that was what really mattered come the end of the day.

Daemons Are Flawed

I think there is an important distinction to be made between always having an answer and *knowing* the *right* answer. I think this applies to both psychological and spiritual daemons. Its very easy to have an answer, correct or incorrect. But, are they correct because we feel they are, there are facts that prove it, or is it only true in our own personal reality? What makes them incorrect?

I'm going to use Kit and myself as an example. I am a daemon, I am real, and I am more than an imaginary friend. But, why? Why do I feel so strongly about my existence and feel so sure and confident in who and what I am? There are a lot of factors but the main one I am going to focus on is that it is what Kit believes. With all her heart and all her rationality I am a real part of her consciousness and tied to her subconscious. There is no hesitation, no doubt. So why would I believe differently?

So if Kit was to ask me "what am I" why would I say otherwise? I would give her my answer, which she would see as the correct answer because it came from me. But is it the correct answer? Am I really these things? Why is what I say the final word on what is right or wrong? I know only as much as Kit. Believe only as much as she does.

Without outside influence to cause a shift in her reality or subconscious reactions changing I will always give the same answers. Back in the day we both fully believed I was her soul and that was it. Simple. But the more she learned about psychology the more our beliefs changed. I once gave her the answer that I was her soul, and in accordance to our current belief of the soul, I was wrong. Now I say I am her inner monologue and a link to her subconscious. This too could be wrong. But its true to our current reality.

I am not a machine. I am not a god (nevermind that we feel even gods do not know everything). I am not incapable of telling unintentional lies, giving flawed answers, and handing out mislead advice.

Daemons are not magical. We are not a fix for everything and while we can have an answer for everything we may not always be correct. We are only capable of doing what our humans are capable of. WHICH IS A LOT so don't sell yourselves short. Humans are capable of just as much as their daemons. But, just remember that no matter how well a daemon may understand you they may still be bound by the same limitations you have placed on yourself.

I'm not sure if this little talk addressed what I was going for. But it was sparked by the idea that a daemon defined as an imaginary friend could always tell their human they were more (if they are). Like maybe a spiritual daemon was just seen as an imaginary friend. Would the daemon correct them? Could the daemon correct them? Would the daemon know they were actually spiritual? I felt it depended on the daemon and the belief held by the human and how deep and true that belief went. A daemon may have the self awareness to define who they are through and through. But if a daemon was still aligned entirely with their human, barely any separation, why would they believe something different than their person? They are all part of the same body/soul/ thoughts after all. The human's belief easily being the daemons.

Daemons are varied and experiences are varied, but I think as a daemon, who often feels they have been placed on a pedestal with great purpose and responsibilities thrust upon them, its important to remember your daemon is not perfect. We are going to, and should be allowed to, be flawed. Let us make mistakes with you. Let us grow and learn through trial and error. Having ALL the right answers feels like life is left rather dull and empty. Its just a waiting game at that point. I'm happy to provide answers, I've got answers for days. But I don't expect them to be perfect. They may be good for Kit and no one else. They may not even be the correct thing Kit needs. But I got them.

I wanted to see if I could summarize my experience. I know I have long winded thoughts on many of these subjects. Figured others may enjoy reading my answers. Survey found at the bottom.

What is a dæmon to you? The subconscious speaking through inner monologues.

What makes a dæmon, a dæmon? A daemon provides a positive change in their person while also intrinsically being a part of who they are and their identity. You cannot have one without the other. I feel this being needs to be tied to the subconscious (or soul) and will use our inner monologue to communicate.

I am of the belief many different beings can play the role of a daemon. Tulpa, alters, other headmates, and spirits can match these qualifications. "Daemon" has always felt more like a job title or other very personal labels like pronouns or familial titles like "daughter" or "father". I think daemons can stem from too many things and how they connect within the mind to say for sure what is and is not a daemon.

What does dæmonism mean to you? Daemonism is cultivating our inner-self to be a companion who supports us, and in doing so we are learning how to support ourselves.

What is the purpose of dæmonism? To provide a healthy mindset. Can be focused on mental health or cognitive thinking. A healthy mindset for one may be self-improvement; for another it may be companionship and self-compassion; or perhaps they just need someone to help recall information. What daemonism is varies from person to person but to me the base line is you get into daemonism seeking something you feel is going to improve something about your life.

What is/are your dæmon(s) like? What is your dæmon's personality like? What are their likes and dislikes? This is the space for anything you want to share about how your dæmon behaves, thinks and feels! Thats a lot to put. So I will place what may make them different from other daemons. They are very self-focused on me. No matter their personality its always focused around what is best for me. What needs to be done for me. Their world revolves around me and they do not question nor hate it.

How did you meet your dæmon(s)? Inspired by His Dark Materials. Finished the 3rd book, tried to see my daemon, he laughed and the rest is history. I thought we were the only human/daemon pair at the time.

What is/are your dæmon(s)? Dæmons can be many things; a gateway to the subconscious, a personification of your conscience, the other half of your internal dialogue, a spiritual entity, or many other things besides. What is the nature of your dæmon? They are me. They are how I connect to my inner self/subconscious. At the moment they are a gateway rather than the full personification of my subconscious. Please see the answer for "how they are connected to me" for more examples.

What is/are your dæmon's gender(s), and how do they relate to and differ from your own? Mostly female. I use to think my daemons gender was my opposite, then I though I was the outcome of their genders, then I thought their gender supported my own. Now I think it just is another outcome of what my brain needed to be happy and healthy, and while my daemons genders never change future daemons may be influenced by the same factors.

How autonomous is/are your dæmon(s)? How independent and free-thinking is your dæmon; how much do they rely on you in order to exist and function? Autonomy is an illusion. Myself and my daemons will always be influenced by my subconscious and factors surrounding us. Their identities rely on my focus but who they are at the core and how they function is thoughtless. I can personify my heart and it can grow independent but as soon as I stop talking to my heart it doesn't stop beating. It just returns to what it was prior and continues its constant task of keeping the body going without needing any thought on the matter.

How is/are your dæmon(s) connected to you? Subconscious, inner monologues, and even intrusive thoughts. Anima/animus. ID/Ego/Super Ego/ Shadow, split-brain ... Basically if there is a term for connecting with any inner part of yourself or piece of our mind my daemons encompass or build upon that.

How do your dæmon(s) differ from you? They are very goal oriented and driven involving my life and health.

What are the similarities between you and your dæmon(s)? They reflect key parts of myself (good, bad, and desired). We all like and dislike similar things, look for similar things in life and friendship, share taste in fashion, food, and entertainment. Only time things vary are when my daemons reflect an extreme. Like Tess who loves physical activity. I'm not a fan of exercise or sports but I wish I was and so does my body and mind. So her favorite activities are not mine by choice but I know on a subconscious level I need to enjoy these more. There is always a connection so there will always be similarities.

How have your dæmon(s) changed since you first met them? They have changed as much as myself, as they grow the very same as I do effected by my surroundings and experiences. Cayde started just as childlike as myself and grew into an adult. My more recent daemons started based around emotions or specific traits and then grew to be far more complex. This is the nature of living, remaining static is nearly impossible.

Can your dæmon(s) front? Fronting: taking primary control of the physical body. I believe with practice they can but since they have very strong opinions about fronting will refrain from doing so. We have co-fronted to allow my daemon to speak louder and to use "mind-over-matter" to stop pain. But during co-fronting there is no physical control. It is only causing a shift in where my daemon lies on my consciousness.

What are your dæmon form(s)? They have many. Both animal and human.

What do your dæmon form(s) mean to you? Some represent who I am on a subconscious level, a deeply analyzed level, and a more surface level.

How did you find your dæmon form(s)? Some through created systems, others through daemon's choice, and one picked completely out of my or my daemon's control.

What do your dæmon form(s) say about your personality, if anything? One describes my behavior and how I interact with others. The other portrays how I am seen and my narrative in life.

How does your dæmon feel about their form(s)? They love all of them and the more meaning behind a form the prouder they are taking it.

What does it mean for a dæmon's form to be settled? Represents who I (or they) are for a set moment in time. Finding and being content with who we are and our identity.

What kind of forms has your dæmon taken in the past? A variety, mostly animals.

How did your dæmon(s) get their name(s)? Chosen together or they picked one they liked.

What do your dæmon(s) names mean to you? Not much. One of my daemons shares my name which is pretty cool but there is little meaning behind everyone's name.

Has your dæmon's name ever changed? If so, feel free to elaborate! Yes! My first daemon has gone through 3 name changed. First one didn't fit right, second lasted years but he got tired of seeing other people with it, so now he's on his third.

How did you first learn about dæmonism? I learned about daemons through His Dark Materials and daemonism through The Daemon Page.

What motivated you to try dæmonism? Loved the companionship daemons gave in the books

Has your experience of dæmonism changed since you first discovered it? If so, how? I take it far more seriously now as a tool for mental health and self-awareness. I just wanted a unique friend that was a talking animal in the beginning.  

How do your dæmon(s) affect and influence your everyday life? Hm, its so hard to say after living over half my life with one. But I'd say they influence my day just by helping me process everything?

How has dæmonism helped you? My daemons have taught me self-love, self-worth, pride, and acceptance.

What does the dæmian community mean to you? They are my home. Sometimes you leave home, and sometimes family upsets you, but you still feel drawn back no matter where you wander. The community is a family I have chosen and I will always feel a part of.