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Who: Old!Hook, Rumpelstiltskin, Killian Jones, Emma Swan. [Mentions of Henry Mills, Regina Mills/Evil Queen, Robin Hood, Gideon]
When/Episode Base: 6x11.
Where: Storybrooke.
Triggers: Almost smut, sex jokes, drinking.
What: What would happen if Old!Hook went through the portal after Emma, Regina, and Robin?
Word count: 3,814
Author Note: Hi, everyone! Being an aspiring writer, I’ve been wanting to start writing CS/OUAT fan fiction for awhile now. I wrote this one-shot after joking around with @badasslass about Colin wanting a sitcom based around Old!Hook and funny events that would take place during it. I tried to bundle all the plot ideas into one story. I thought it came out not bad for my first fic and I decided I wanted to share it. So, please be kind! I hope you enjoy and thank you so much for taking the time to read! <3
** ~ * ~ * ~ **
A thunderous boom erupted in the midst of the dark forest, bursting through the trunk of a tree, sending the bark flying in several directions. The old, well-rounded man stumbled his way out as he coughed. He squinted as he stared around drunkenly, a nearly empty bottle of rum in his hand as he ran his palm over his unkempt salt and peppered scruff.
"The blazes am I?" He slurred, stumbling as he walked out and took in his surroundings.
The old pirate remembered waking up on the Jolly Roger and taking a stroll with his rum in hand. Somewhere along the walk, he came across what he assumed was a tavern and entered to find it deserted, with a very strange tree trunk in the center. Now he was here. Wherever here was.
** ~ * ~ * ~ **
Old Hook strolled through the strange town, taking sight of everything. He felt a migraine forming as if he was already beginning to become hungover; everything was so new and fascinating to the old pirate. Except for a few street lamps, the little town was quiet and dark. As he passed a shop with its lights on, he stopped and peered in through the window. Hook's vibrant blues took in all of the neat nicknacks, taking a liking to a few things visible from his stance. He might not have been as young and adventurous as he was back in the day, but he was still a pirate and prone to taking things of his liking. Hook's hand found the doorknob, jiggling and turning it to the best of his ability. Though, the damn door wouldn't budge.
He hummed to himself as an eyebrow darted up and his lips pursed. He swiftly turned on his heel as he tucked his thumb into his pants, looking from left to right to left again. Hook turned around once more, let out a long charge screech and ran straight into the door, left shoulder first. He stumbled back, losing his balance as he bared his teeth in pain and tottered down to the sidewalk. Hook panted as he gazed up in anger at the gold lettering, furrowing his silver brows.
He sat up and tried to pull himself to his feet, wiggling his out-of-shape body as he grunted and gritted his teeth. His eyes squinted in determination to make it, but he fell back again. The out of shape pirate rolled to his side and onto his huge belly, slipping a foot upright, resting his brace against the shop as he ungracefully brought himself to his feet, groaning louder and more dramatic than Frankenstein. Usually, the old salt would've tried to break down the door once more but realized getting himself up from the ground was a larger challenge than it should've been, so he decided to try the next best thing.
Hook sucked in a breath and threw his hook through the glass, shattering it. His hand carefully reached through the sharp shards remaining in the frame, searching for the lock. Once his fingers found it, he let out a cheer of victory, a grin bestowing upon his face. The door swung open and Hook waltzed in, humming as his fingers touched anything and everything, examining anything that he deemed possibly worth riches or fair trade.
"What are you doing, pirate?" He heard an unfriendly sneer from behind, turning to face a strange man.
Hook took him in, furrowing his eyebrows. He seemed familiar, but he just couldn't put his half-drunken aged finger on it. Old Hook drew his sword, as he stepped closer. Rumpelstiltskin raised his eyebrows, glaring at him in disbelief.
"And why are you dressed like that?" He sneered once more in distaste.
"Why are you dressed like that?" The pirate shot back, waving his sword in a circular motion at his appearance.
Gold's suit and tie surely were strange to him, and then it hit.
"Crocodile! I hadn't recognized you without the scaly-skin," he paused. "thing. Or without that ridiculous high voice of yours." He glanced back to the glass counter, picking up a gold watch before his eyes flickered back over to Rumpelstiltskin. He hopped as he imitated the Dark One's laugh, his belly jolting up with the rest of him. "Now, we duel." He pushed the sword out once more.
Gold just stared, genuinely uninterested. He waved a hand over the broken glass, the shards flying up from the ground and back into place as if it had never happened.
"You're drunk, pirate. I think it's time to get you home to Miss Swan. She can deal with you. I have more important things to attend to." He spoke, waving his hand once more and poofing Old Hook out of his shop and out of his hair.
** ~ * ~ * ~ **
"One hot chocolate, topped with whipped cream and cinnamon, for the lady." Killian half-smiled as he carried a hot cup of Emma's drink into the living room, little plate on the bottom of it as some splashed over the sides of it. Another hot chocolate was wrapped in his hook, although it was plain. "And one for me." He beamed at the blonde.
He placed them on the coffee table, before taking a seat next to Emma. The blonde smiled as she placed her book face down on her thigh. She reached her arm up, moving it around his shoulders, playing with his soft raven waves. Henry was at Regina's for the night, giving Killian and Emma some time to be alone and enjoy each other.
Emma brought her other hand to his chin, running her thumb and pointer finger along his scruff, "You spoil me." She kissed his cheek before she leaned forward and picked up the hot chocolate.
"It's only what my Swan deserves," He quipped, moving his hand along her back, smoothing over it. “You were bloody brilliant tonight, Emma. You fought amazingly, give a pirate a run for his coin." He grinned. "I don’t believe there’s a thing you can’t do.”
Emma looked up at him beneath her lashes as she sat back up, her ponytail swaying. She turned a slight pink as she sipped at the edge of her cup. “Thanks, Killian.”
"Careful, love. It's hot."
"Just the way I like my hot chocolate," Emma took another sip. "And my pirate." She teased, her hand reaching across his lap and holding onto the curve of his hook, raising an eyebrow at him.
Killian grinned, cocking an eyebrow back at her before he thumbed her chin. "You've got some whipped cream on your - " He trailed off as she leaned in, his eyes falling on her mouth before closing as her nose brushed against his.
Emma's lips latched onto his lower, and he sighed contently, his body relaxing as he sucked off the little bit of whipped cream she had. He loved it when she tasted like hot chocolate and cinnamon, sure enough, the strong spice of rum on his tongue only improved the flavor.
"Mmm," Emma giggled, as she brought her hand around to the back of his head, her leg swiftly kicking over his lap.
Killian mimicked the moan, the sound rumbling inside his chest. Emma laughed, as she pressed her body into his, the kiss deepening on both ends. Killian's hand pressed into the small of her back, his brace holding her to him as well. A warmth ignited in his chest, and suddenly he felt very hot, his blood rushing south.
It was almost as if Emma could sense it, her hands moving along his vest and making quick work of his buttons. Her hands moved to his buttoned-up shirt, doing quick work of that too, occasionally stumbling on some buttons. Her hands pushed his vest off and impatiently tugged his shirt out of his pants. Her hands ran up his stomach and over his pecks, to his shoulders and neck, her fingers happily brushing over his wiry black hair.
"You know, things would be a lot quicker if you could just," Killian breathed, from the fear of their clothing ending up in shreds. "flick your wrist and make everything disappear."
"What's your rush?" Emma teased as she caught her breath, biting down on her bottom lip as she pressed her forehead into his, the grin unstoppable.
"Our hot chocolate getting cold." Killian taunted, making her laugh against him.
"We have a microwave," Emma reminded, her voice deepening with desire before she kissed him again, her tongue teasing his lips.
Killian groaned, shifting under the couch, as he gripped her thigh with his hand and hook, pushing himself to his feet. Emma let out a girlish squeal; if she had a choice between making that ridiculous very bar-wench-like sound and being caught dead, she'd pick the second one. She held onto her pirate and placed rapid kisses along his cheeks and scruff and forehead and nose as he held her up. He giggled himself, as he went to carry her towards the staircase. In all, Emma was just exceedingly happy, since - well ever - and too wrapped up in her pirate to care how she sounded.
Killian thanked the Gods as they reached the final step, Emma's lips now moving over the right side of his neck and collarbone, nibbling at his jawline, her touch weakening him at the knees. Once he reached their bedroom door, he kicked it open, as he tugged the black band that confined her hair out of it, dropping Emma to the bed and crawling over her. The blonde let out a breathless laugh as she tugged him by his collar, the Britishman happily shaking the shirt off his upper body before he enveloped her lips into a passionate kiss, his hips rolling down. Emma lifted her body up, her fingers wrapping themselves in his chest hair, her others deep in the raven hair on the back of his head.
The sound of floorboards creaking filled their ears, beyond the kissing and heavy breathing. Killian stopped, keeping his forehead pressed against Emma's.
"I thought you said Henry was at Regina's." He breathed, his chest rising and falling a bit heavier than usual.
Emma gently pushed up on his upper chest, the two rising, bringing the blonde up on his lap. Killian stared at her, furrowing his eyebrows. She met his darkened blues, frowning in a way Killian would usually find to be the cutest thing. The expression was cute enough for him to want to kiss the expression off her face and push her back down against their bed and make her forget if he wasn't so confused, or concerned.
"I thought he was." She spoke as she ran a hand through his disheveled hair, looking at him in the same confused manner.
"I'll check, though, I'm sure it's nothing," Killian kissed her mouth thoroughly and quickly before he slipped from under her.
Emma bit her lip, watching the muscles ripple in his back, taking in the large and oddly shaped scars that covered his body from his merciless pirating days, as she ran a hand through her hair. She really did hope it was nothing. Killian stopped, turning around to look at her. He had a saucy expression to his face, quirking an eyebrow.
"And lass, when I return..." He trailed off, raising his eyebrows once.
The tone and expression of his voice caused Emma’s heart to stutter in her chest, a light and pretty shade of pink blooming across her cheeks. He had winked before he resumed leaving the room.
Emma sighed as the doe-eyed expression faded and the school-girl mood went along with it as she got up, following his footsteps anyway. She knew the reason why he insisted on being the one to investigate; she knew he was still scared and in a frantic from her doomed fate, let alone watching her nearly lose her life tonight after being separated. All in all, they were a team; Killian said so himself during their first adventure and Emma and Hook both knew very well that she was a tough lass who didn't need saving. If anything Killian seemed to be the one always needing his ass saved. Killian just happened to glance up as he walked down the stairs.
"What are you doing?" He whisper-shouted.
Emma moved down the stairs quickly, taking hold of his hook. "Coming with you."
He parted his lips to reply before he furrowed his eyebrows and closed his mouth, shrugging, clearly thinking better of it. Emma was the savior, was she not? Destined to die as it was, anyway.
A shadow perched in the middle of the couch in the living room, Emma now a couple of steps ahead of Killian. Their arms outstretched towards one another, her fingers stayed wrapped loosely around his hook.
"Oh, no." Emma groaned, slapping her forehead, as she peered around to place a face to the figure.
There was Old Hook, sitting on the couch, drinking the hot chocolate.
"Hook?" Emma spoke, letting go of Killian's hook as she stared into the face of her pirate; her much older pirate, that is.
"What?" Killian deadpanned as he watched from behind the silver-haired man, clearly confused as to why she spoke his moniker in that tone.
Hook's eyes shifted up to Emma's, a grin spreading across his face as he dramatically flipped the long silver strands out of his eyes. "Ah! Princess! It seems as though fate has brought us together again."
He took a sway of a step closer, his belly pressing into hers. "Hello, love." He flirted, moving his finger up to brush along her left cheek, trying and failing to push her hair off her shoulder.
"What are you - " Emma shook her head, closing her eyes as she took a step back and held her hands up. "How are you - "
"Bloody hell!" Killian shouted from behind her in disgust, causing her to jump as she stepped back into him. "What kind of rubbish is this? What happened to me?" He demanded, his voice weakening with devastated and dramatic agony on the last question.
Emma looked back at Killian's displeased expression, before looking back at Old Hook, baring the bottom set of her teeth, just now noticing a thick whipped cream mustache spread across his upper lip, sprinkles of cinnamon in it. A weirdly unnerving part of her wanted to kiss it off, the way Killian did to her ten minutes ago.
Killian's hand pressed into Emma's hip, nudging her to the side as the two Hook's stared each other down.
"I know what you're thinking," Old Hook started to speak. "I'm better looking," He spoke with an unfazed shrug.
Killian raised his eyebrow, “A-are you serious?" He had asked with distaste.
Killian slowly leaned to the side slightly and unsuspiciously, before he whipped Old Hook's sword from his side.
"Ahh!" Old Hook yelled from surprise, holding his hands up in dramatic defense, his eyebrows raised, eyeballs popping out. Killian pressed the sharp edge into his rum belly, almost surprised the sword didn't bend.
"Killian," Emma rested her hand on his bicep. "This is Hook - this is you - from the wish-realm,” She stuttered, not sure how she was going to go about this explanation. “Regina - the Evil Queen sent me to. He must've come through the portal after me and Regina," She shook her head, nearly forgetting about Robin. "And Robin. He's totally harmless, I promise you." Killian continued to bore at Hook in shock, not relenting. "Put the sword away, Killian. He's no threat. He's you. He tried to protect me from Pinocchio."
"Ah, the wooden-man-child was there," Killian responded as if he were correcting her on the name.
He then swallowed, glancing back at Emma, who held her arm out to grab him in what seemed to be a protective way for his less charming self. He stared at her, a look of pity for himself, similar to a three-year-olds on his face, as he gently brought the sword down, locking his jaw. Hook grinned victoriously, bowing to Emma thankfully.
"It would appear I was the one in need of a dashing rescue. My lady," He bowed once more, stumbling over trying to balance his weight on one foot.
Emma couldn't help but laugh at him in amusement. Old Hook really wasn't that bad when he wasn't interrupting something extremely vital. In fact, Emma kind of liked him.
"A word, Swan," Killian grumbled, gently taking her arm and pulling her by the door.
"Is this," Killian trailed off quietly. "Is this why you're pushing me to lay off the rum?"
Emma laughed softly, squeezing his bicep. "Not so much for me, but for you.” Killian blinked slowly at her. “I mean, you're so devastated by this. It's kind of funny."
"Looking." Killian finished.
Emma stared over at Old Hook, studying him more than she did in the wish realm. He didn't look that bad; his eyes were still beautiful and vibrant and young. All he needed was to sober up, take a shower, and catch up on the grooming and he wouldn't be that bad at all. Oddly, she kind of liked the belly. He was her pirate, after all, she loved him, and she'd take him in any shape or form.
"Well, I think he's pretty dashing. He is you, underneath it all."
"That's the disheartening thing about it, Swan. He's me." Killian all but whined, his voice full of irritation and embarrassment.
Emma almost expected him to stomp his feet in a tantrum.
"I mean, all he needs is a bit of grooming, and he's a silver fox. I dunno, what do you think, Killian? Maybe we can get him cleaned up then he can join us in the bedroom, and we'll send him back to the wish realm after. As long as you don't punch him." She teased, pulling her lips into her mouth to fight the smile, swaying her body as she looped her fingers into his front belt loops, pulling him against her.
Killian looked down at her stunned, his voice growing high as he whispered, "Have you gone mad? Bloody hell, no!"
Emma's eyes flickered over to Hook, watching him guzzle down the other cup of hot chocolate. "Oi, Princess. What kind of magical beverage contraption is this? It's quite good." He stuttered around, holding it up to her.
She smiled, patting Killian's chest before coming over to him. She really could get used to having two Captain Hook's around, maybe three or ten, a version of him from every realm. She would really enjoy that. What a lucky woman she'd be.
"It's called hot chocolate,” Emma answered. “Now hold still.” She then waved her hand, her light magic coming over Hook.
His silver hair was magically pulled back into a neat ponytail, in what reminded Killian of his Lieutenant days, his pirate uniform now clean and his salt and peppered facial hair appearing well groomed. He really did clean up as nice as she expected him to. Emma looked back at Killian, shrugging in a told you so manner, but Killian still seemed a bit unnerved by him.
Hook furrowed his eyebrows, staring at the blonde before he quirked up an eyebrow and smirked at her. "Milady," He quipped, taking her hand and bringing it up to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it.
Emma and Hook looked over at the sound of bottles clanking together, as Killian carried over a large and heavy looking box. He looked carefully at Hook, raising his eyebrows before placing it into his arms.
"What's that?" Emma furrowed her eyebrows at Killian.
"Me laying off the rum." He responded, resting his hand against her back.
Emma laughed. "Okay, just one thing."
The blonde stepped closer to Hook's side, grabbing his chin and pulling him over to her, hoping he wouldn’t drop the box of rum bottles. She placed a sweet kiss on his cheek before caressing his chin. As confident as Old Hook had seemed, he looked shocked that she actually kissed him, as she tenderly ran her hand over his scruff, smiling at him fondly. He looked as though it had been years since anyone has shown him so much kindness, let alone touched him. Killian locked his jaw as he watched in jealousy of himself before he looked down at the floor. As Emma took her hand back from his face, she flicked her wrist, and Old Hook disappeared into the air.
"There. He's back in his realm. With all of your rum." She spoke, walking towards Killian with a playful smile. “I think you’re going to regret doing that in the morning. Good thing I need to make a trip to the market, anyway.”
Killian sighed, rubbing his temples stressfully. "Every bloody time," He murmured. "If it's not that damn dwarf..." He trailed off as Emma took his hand and his hook, wrapping them around her waist, before she wrapped her arms around his neck and rocked on her heels, swaying them.
"I'm a little disappointed you didn't want him to stay. I kinda wanted to keep him." She laughed, running her thumb along the back of Killian's neck, before she rested her forehead against his, biting her bottom lip.
Killian pulled back, stared at her in a disgusted manner. “Why on bloody earth would you want to do such a thing?" He was clearly triggered enough by what he saw to rid himself of his rum.
"Because he's you, and I love you. Every part and last version of you," Emma spoke, leaning her face in closer and pulling his lower lip between hers for a soft, slow kiss.
Emma smiled at the sight of the beam upon his face, a scarlet blush forming. He looked at her as if she were the only other person in the world. “As I love you, Swan.” As his eyes scanned over her face, he shook his head in disbelief, as if to say, I don’t even deserve to love you, lass.
The blonde smiled sweetly at him, before turning the smile into a smirk. “Now, where were we? Pirate." She had teased before she flicked her wrist to travel them back to their bedroom; the two evaporating into the air as they began to kiss.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Wish Realm Hook sneaks through the portal and ends up in Storybrooke. This results in Emma and Killian getting an unwelcome houseguest and Emma an unwanted suitor.