#oktorp

ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʟɪɢʜᴛ ᴛᴀᴋᴇꜱ ᴜꜱ

〄 ꜱᴛᴏʀʏʟɪɴᴇ - 12

  ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @littlebirdrey.bsky.social & @tolduidsurvive.bsky.social

       ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3: ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴀʏ ɪꜱ ᴜᴘ

            ╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: 7 ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ  @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

               ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

〄   ❝Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. ❞

            -George Bernard Shaw

•— Raven —•

The nightmares have begun to ease their hold on me, if I had to predict the cause of it I wouldn’t. Why you ask? Because that would be giving a certain friend of mine, too much power. And let’s face things, he doesn’t need a bigger head.

Yes. I’m a strong believer in not handing another soul the responsibility to hold such a strength over your head. However, it would be a lie if I didn’t give people the benefit of doubt. And it’s also called turning a new leaf. So, for now. Knowing that my nights have been much calmer since John Murphy and I have found our friendship again, and Luna and I have forgiven ourselves and our sisterhoods. I feel like myself again.

‘Rey. Wait up. Slow down will you!’ The voice makes me turn, my ponytail swishing behind me. Falling over my shoulder as I smile at Monty Green.

“Come on Monty, if you can’t catch up to me, you have more things to be worried about than your breakfast going cold.”

‘Are you kidding? I’d kill for a hot breakfast. Those leftovers from the stew Murphy used to cook us back at home.’ That word… ‘Home’, it made my heart flutter. With pain sure, however the fact that Monty also thought of our time on Becca’s Island as home gave me joy. (Now there is a feeling nobody saw coming this morning.

“Yeah, he spoiled us with his skills in the kitchen. Who knew the man could have us all licking our fingers.”

‘Okay, that sounds so wrong.’ Bellamy hit his shoulder into the side of me as he fell into step.

“That’s what you get for eavesdropping, jackarse.” I teased.

‘Yeah sure, but Green will agree with me, it’s all in the delivery of the line. And you talking about finger licking—’ His smirk and the eyebrow dance made me roll my eyes.  Until the sound of someone coughing, spluttering, and choking stole our attention.

“Lizzy. You, okay?” We all joined her at the table. Bellamy moved around to rub her back while she cleaned her mouth, setting her glass down.

‘Uhmm… Yeah… all… good…’ She coughed some more.

‘It was the fingering talk, wasn’t it.’ Bells teased making her cough again. ‘See, Rey. It’s your dirty mind at work again.’ This got him a punch in his chest over the table.

‘Bellamy… Raven… what is going on here.’ All joking got pushed to the side.

“Nothing, Marcus. Bell’s was just…” I didn’t know how to finish it off.

‘I was just helping the girls here with some questions they had about performance.’ He winked at me and then smirked towards Monty and Lizzy.

‘I don’t even want to know.’ Marcus gave us all a Grown up, look. The one that told you, you are in trouble. But then the little smile that said. Maybe next time.

“That’s the best decision you made this week. Trust me.” I tell him taking my seat setting the rations down before me.

‘Anyway. I’m glad I’ve bumped into you here. I wanted you to know.’ His eyes were on me; however, he stopped to look at the others before speaking. ‘We are looking into the cargo holds. When you are done here, I was hoping you could send me a report of your findings. Just so we can all have the same information to share.’

I sat up a little straighter. “Sure, I can send it now.” I moved to pick up the tablet on my tray. However, Marcus set his hand on my shoulder.

‘Eat first. I’m going to do the same. We can work once we have something in our stomach.’ Nodding to everyone on the table he left to go get his rations. My eyes followed him until Monty’s voice drew me back in.

‘Is that about the… you know… Booms you and Murphy found?’ I nodded my head. ‘What do you think they will do with them?’ He asked Bellamy.

‘Keep them safe until we need them. Or at least that’s the consensus right now. It could help us rebuild when we go back.’ Talking with his mouthful.

“If they know what’s good for them, they will float the majority. Nothing good can come from having so much of it.” I muttered for their ears only.

‘Let me guess, that’s Luna’s way of thinking.’ Bells asked taking a drink of his small glass of water.

“There’s nothing wrong with her way of thinking. You were with me Bells when we took the bridge down. Those people who are dead… Those lives are on my hands.” My fingers fisting as I spoke. He set his glass to the side. Placing his hand over mine.

‘Rey... you saved a lot of lives that day too.’ His eyes locked onto mine, making sure I heard him clearly. ‘There is no good without bad, and we cannot keep the demons away. I know. I see them too. But… There is light. There must be. Otherwise. Why were we tested to such extremes?’ 

I had no answer to his question. Because, sure the darkness had been set back for a while. However, I knew we all had to face them at some point. Right?

•— John —•

‘You can’t still be mad John.’ Emori huffed at me from where she sat on a prep station in the so-called Kitchen of the mess hall. All it was good for now was the storage of freeze-dried rations and the machines used to prepare the nutrient packs.

“I’m not mad,” I said, unconvincingly.

‘You sound mad.’ Jasper said, his lanky body sticking out of the hole in the wall that looked like an air vent but… wasn’t. Something sparked inside and Emori kicked him in the knee. ‘Wear your goggles Hai Skat!’ (Stupid boy) She scolded him.

‘I know what that one means!! Rude!’ Jasper griped but I could tell from the way he shifted he; fixed his goggles. ‘So… why is our boy mad exactly?’

“NOT MAD!!” I yelled over the sound of the machine that recycled the foil that the ration bars were packaged in.

‘Luna took Raven’s bed out of our room and moved it to the grounder dormitories.’ She explained.

I had arrived back at the room I shared with Luna and Emori this morning, to find the space we saved for Rey in case she wanted to join us here; was empty. Nothing left but the radiation-proof duffle that I had gathered up the things she loved most in the mansion. Her reply when I questioned her was that Raven had made her choice, and we needed to respect it. The bed was needed elsewhere. And that I should not have much issue with it considering the little time I spent in the room lately. That comment was enough for me to end the conversation. Afraid that talking about it would bring about the end of it.

That was probably an issue I should work on in therapy… but probably wouldn't. While I was lost in the memory, Jasper and Emori continued their conversation. ‘Doesn’t Rey have her own room with all the parts and tools in it?’ Jaz asked… he knew. I rolled my eyes.

‘Exactly why Luna moved the bed.’ Emori said, like it was that simple. Maybe it should be… but it wasn’t!

 The machine hissed and a hatch popped open, I opened it the rest of the way and pulled out the shiny roll of foil. Not making any comment on what they were saying.

‘Sounds kinda reasonable, Murphy.’ Jasper said as a tool whirred, and another small spark lit up the space his head was crammed into. But the way Jasper didn’t flinch I guessed that spark was expected.

“I’m not mad guys… it's just…” I used the heat sealer and sealed a square of the recycled material, filling it with the nitro used for long-term ration storage and sealing the last edge, creating a little gas-filled square that I then squeezed and tested for any leaks and weaknesses. To make sure the roll was high enough quality to use.

Apparently, this had been a huge issue on the Ark… but that was after ninety-seven years of recycling the same materials, so not a problem I would need to worry about in my lifetime. This batch was fine.

I never finished my sentence. I moved to the next machine on my daily routine and fitted the roll into it. The rest was easier. Line up the rock-hard tasteless blocks and pull the lever and the machine folded the foil around the bar, sucked out the air and heat-sealed the whole thing. I wasn’t sure how… but it worked so I didn’t really care. I grinned… Raven would want to open it up and see how it worked… or… she would already know.

My smile dropped. This was the same as cooking. Even preserving the meat in the smokehouse, we built at the dropship camp was more than this. I repeated the process.

Jasper flailed his legs like a madman as he shuffled his way out of the hole. ‘By golly, ay think ay done it Governor!!’ he said in an accent so ridiculous that a laugh broke through both my mood and the drudgery of the task I was performing.

He fixed the grate back into place, and wires fed through the grate were plugged into a tablet that he had compiled all music files we had been able to find on board the ship, from any Skaikru or Eligius crew devices we had found. ‘Would you like to do the honours?’ He asked. ‘It was your idea after all.’

Before I took the tablet he held out, I checked my own. Scanning for a name. Raven’s rations had been claimed… but was she still here? It wouldn’t be unlike her to take her meal with her and get right to work.

I asked Emori in trig to go and see if Rey was still in the mess. It only took her a moment to call back that she was still out there… with Bellamy and Monty. Blake wouldn’t be impressed; he would see this as a waste of time… but these people deserved more than mere existence. They deserved music! Comfort… even if it wasn’t their language.

I knew the song I wanted to choose when we pulled this off. “Are we ready?” I grinned and asked them.

‘Wait! I wanna see their reactions.’ Jasper rushed out to stand behind the counter that the ration crew and I used to pass out everyone’s meals. I had searched for the song already and when I saw that he was standing in his chosen position I hit play. The music filtered gently through the PA system in the mess hall, and the low hum of conversation started to fade away… it was a little crackly… but it was working! I beamed. “Let there be music!” I winked at Emori.

‘Go on.’ She elbowed me. ‘Get out there and see your plan in action.’

“Not without you.” I held my hand out to her and to my surprise, she took it without argument and let me drag out into the mess hall. Kids were staring at the ceiling, and Skaikru was grinning. But there was only one reaction I wanted, my eyes sought out Raven in the room, finding her in seconds, even in the same jumpsuit as half the people in here… I always found her.

Music: Shawn Mendes - Look Up at The Stars

•— Raven —•

Lizzy got up about to leave to start her day, she gathered her things when I threw a rolled-up wrapper across the table at Bells. He caught it in one hand of course, telling me to do better next time. My witty reply was cut off with the sounds coming from above us.

‘What have you done now Rey?’ Monty and Bells asked together.

“Me?” I frowned. “Why do you assume it’s me, when I’m sat right here with you?” Then we all realised what was happening.

‘Is that music?’ Monty whispered looking around and then I followed his eyes to the three people with glee on their face.

I wasn’t sure what the first reaction was. The smiling, the joy, the knowledge that we hadn’t lost sounds we’d found on the Island, or that I had friends who knew the right time to let it flow. The song made the tension creeping up my spine dissipate in a blink. The soothing melody confusing some of the faces I could see glancing around us, until the music kicked up a gear. Making Bells jump up and round the table.

‘Come on Rey, let’s show them how it’s done.’ He took my hand while I was busy smiling over to Jaz, Emori, and John lifting me from the bench carefully to dance.

“You need to pick a better dance partner Bells, I’m—” He cut me off by slowly dunking me down and then lifting me up. He took gentle steps, movements, taking it at a steady pace, making me laugh. I glanced around to see Monty had taken Lizzy’s hand and they were swaying to the sounds too.

‘Oh, hells… No… I didn’t need to see my brother dancing before my first glass of water in the morning.’ Octavia walked in with her guard following close behind. Indra raising her unimpressed eyebrow at us. 

‘Are you sure, O? I think you just want your big brother to spin you around the dance floor.’ I stepped out of Bellamy’s hold, telling him to go dance with his sister.

‘What dance floor?’ She groaned backing out of the way, but she didn’t fight him when he took her hand and pulled his little sister in closer. Here and now, he was Bellamy, and she was his sister O and nothing else. Nothing required other than to make each person smile.

‘You people have too much time on your hands.’ Indra huffed from beside me. The others watching, some smiling, some frowning trying to comprehend what they were seeing.

“It’s never wrong to make time to appreciate what we have, Indra. Sometimes it’s these moments that give us the strength to carry on… it’s the small wins” Wow… I’d not had a reason to say those words in a small while. And here it was.  

My eyes found John’s baby blues again, and from across the hall I mouthed. “Thank you.” Smiling and lifting my invisible hat to him. Because I knew… He was the brains behind this beautiful moment.

•— John —•

I watched the mood shift in the mess hall… a few Skaikru even tried to explain to the grounder adults that it was music that had been recorded. They knew what music was… but, of course… they only heard it as people played musical instruments or sang, a recording was a foreign concept. The kids though, they started to shuffle around excitedly.

Bellamy dragged Raven to the spaces between the tables and had her dancing. It made me laugh softly. ‘If that was Shaw you be ready to burst.’ Emori said to me in Trig. I scowled because she was right. But…. This… watching her dancing and laughing with Bellamy, teasing the new grounder queen. It was nothing like the way I felt when Shaw was near her. Damn… that sounded… obsessive! The scariest thing about that is, that it was true. I had no right to feel like that.

The kids spotted me and some broke away from their parents and guardians to come towards me. They were asking what the words meant.

I had to think about it to translate a few words for them. When I looked back to Raven, she was standing there watching… Bellamy danced with his little sister while she pretended to hate it, and Indra scowled. When Rey thanked me, I shrugged like I had no idea what she meant and pointed to Jasper. He almost immediately disappeared into the kitchen again, stating he was picking a song they could dance to.

Lizzy was giving me a thumbs up too and Monty looked around like he was planning one of those epic illegal parties that he and Jasper used to throw. I laughed, and the song changed.

Music - Youngblood Hawke - We Come Running

‘You did a good thing, John.’ An all too familiar voice said from next to me. Doc Lite was a sneaky little bastard when he wanted to be.

“Jasper did it. I just mentioned that a little music would be nice… he did all the work.” I explained. Okay, it was more than that… I had gathered up all the devices I could to create a large selection of music and made sure they got back to the owners. Most of the tracks came from the players I had salvaged from the mansion. Then convinced Jasper to figure out how to wire it into the PA system in the mess.

‘Oh…’ Jackson leaned on the counter separating us. ‘In that case, I take it back.’

I just smirked and shook my head, glancing back at Raven, making sure she saw me flicking my eyes at the doctor and then rolling them as if to say, 'This fucking guy!'

‘I saw that!’ He scoffed, then held his hand out to me. ‘Come on then… even if you had nothing to do with this… let's see some of those epic moves you had in the kitchen.’

Now I scoffed and walked around the counter. “Is it even appropriating for a therapist to dance with a patient?” I teased.

‘It will be if you can manage to keep your hands to yourself, Mr Murphy.’ He didn’t miss a beat. Taking my hands and spinning me under his arm. We danced awkwardly and hilariously… Like origami, dancing was not in his skill set.

Before I knew it, I was swamped by kids and Jackson was dragging Emori from behind the counter too, taking her covered hand without a second thought or glance. Jasper reappeared and jumped the counter. Reeling in his best friend, while Lizzy looked on and laughed. Monty played along like he was a fish on a hook.

•— Raven —•

“Small Wins.” Smiling at the sight before us. I’d taken my seat once again with Indra joining me. She had no plans to join in the madness, and she didn’t have to stand on ceremony when her new Heda was in the arms of her brother. “It’s the small wins like this, which will make the difference. Moments like these are the ones we want everyone to cherish and want more of.’ Pointing towards the other tables, where the children of the clans had stood to dance. “They aren’t looking to stay segregated in this moment. They see the light-hearted entertainment this is meant to be and are part taking. A lot of this is thanks to Luna and Harper with the classes they run, and others like Jasper and Monty with their need to have fun. And then there is John.” My hazel eyes moving over each element as I spoke until landing on John. “He thinks about the way to break the silence, to bring some form of happiness to those around him.” Now I laughed at the way he and Jax danced. Freely. Without a care of who was watching.

‘We never had time for this.’ She began. ‘However, I do miss the fire stories.’ Now she had my attention.

“The fire stories?” I asked interested to learn more.

‘Yes. Our elders would tell us stories when we were younger, until we were old enough to bring our own to the fire. It is how we shared history, told of great battels, and dreams of peace.’ Her eyes remained on Octavia and Bellamy; however, I could tell she’d been transported back to a happy time.

“That is exactly what we have here.” I told her. “And you know there is no reason you can’t have fire stories here.  Go see the children when they are in their classes, share your knowledge with them. Well… maybe without the actual fire. But you know what I mean.” Laughing as I said it. “A fire on the ship isn’t the best idea.”

Indra nodded once. She didn’t say she would, however she also didn’t say she wouldn’t. 𝙨𝙢𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙬𝙞𝙣𝙨 Small Wins!

I knew the clans kept their stories to themselves. It meant a great deal to them. But with such a small number of humans still able to learn up here. It would be the only way to ensure that nothing was lost with time. 

Cheers drew our attention across the hall. The men were moving a few of the tables out of the way, as Jasper and Monty lined the children up, with one of the others giving them a few steps to try.

Cheers drew our attention across the hall. The men were moving a few of the tables out of the way, as Jasper and Monty lined the children up, with one of the others giving them a few steps to try.

•— John —•

Nathan came to steal Jackson, giving me a wink behind his back that was all too obvious. I just smiled and let him cut in. “I watched the crimson steal into Doc Lite’s dull bronze skin… the bland rations here really were taking their toll on everyone. No one was losing an alarming amount of weight or anything like that, but the nutrition additives clearly weren’t nearly as effective as the fresh seeds, berries, fruits and roots we had access to on the island… and the fish and rabbits, obviously. I picked my way around the outskirts of the room towards Raven; without getting caught with whatever the dynamic duo was up to in the middle of the mess, with the kids. But I noted how parents, guardians and clan leaders stood and watched. They let them speak to and instruct their children. Some of the older people were teaching what looked to be traditional dance moves to the Skaikru adults. They laughed together when they messed up each step.

I just thought music would be fun… I hadn’t expected this.

I had almost made it to Rey when Delano stopped me in my tracks.  ‘Yo don sola diyo, yomreinseda,’ (You did a good thing young leader) He said putting a hand on my shoulder. I tilted my head trying to translate the last word.

“Young… rank... teacher?” I puzzled it out in Gonasleng.

‘Young Leada...’ He mispronounced the word leader. And I shook my head.

“Oh… no. I’m not…” I swapped to Trig in respect of the Trishanakru leader. “Ai nou bilaik reinseda.” (I’m not a leader) I explained, and I pointed to Jasper. “Ai lukot dula disha. Ai nou na lan Tek op” (My friend did this. I can’t use technology)

‘Sure, you are.’ He continued, still in Trigedasleng. ‘The power we do or do not hold does not change what we are. A leader without power is a true leader of the lost.’ He pointed to the kids copying Jasper and Monty’s dance moves… Were they teaching the kids to high-five themselves? Then he pointed to other groups mingling between clans and Skaikru; like all the tension and anxiety had left the room. ‘And they are less lost than they were yesterday.’

He patted my shoulder and walked away to watch Dela dancing, she was right up front of course taking Jasper’s hand, which he gave gladly.

I finally made my way to Indra and my Stargazer as they watched it all. “I told you Jordan was ready to get back to work,” I said instead of a greeting. “What do you think?”

People were making their way out to get to their assignments and there was notably less trudging than usual.

•— Raven —•

Indra and I spoke in low whispers, she even cracked a small smile. When I tried to point out the fact she told me it was just her way of burping!

BURPING! That was her story, and she was damn well sticking to it! I huffed out a laugh, shaking my head and rolling my eyes all at once at her. -

Even though I watched the whole ship and the people in the mess hall come to life. Music, laughter, these were things that… John’s voice brought me back from my rampaging thoughts of how we could maybe make something good up here too.

‘Madness.’ Indra started with that dismissive attitude she thought we couldn’t see past.

“What Indra meant to say is… we think it’s brilliant how everyone has this moment to hold on to. How they are smiling, laughing, learning, and enjoying themselves.” I dared to nudge her in her side. Earning me a scowl from the woman.

Okay… I may have pushed my luck with her. But she wouldn’t kill me, right? Not when she knew I had skills to keep the ship floating.

She narrowed her eyes at me. The look saying, ‘not what I was saying your stupid girl.’ But I chose to read it as ‘that’s exactly what I was going for.’ Stage whispering to John, fully expecting Indra to hear me. “If you find me dead tonight. Know that I died happy knowing I got under this warrior’s skin.”

It made her scoff at me. ‘If I were to kill you, it wouldn’t be over this.’ Now she rolled her eyes.

“Ahh…. See… you do like me…” I teased.

•— John —•

I chuckled at the warrior and tilted my head. “Didn’t Lexa have a song written about her coalition and had it performed at every formal gathering of the clan leaders?” I asked her, knowing that it was true. Not that this was the same thing.

But the grounders saw value in music… maybe it was a little much for Indra right now. Eric Fucking Jackson! He was turning me into someone who noticed and cared about other people’s comfort. I did not approve.

The way Indra looked at Rey when she corrected her was hilarious, but I still stepped closer… not worried that the woman would hurt her… little much for Indra right now. Eric Fucking Jackson! He was turning me into someone who noticed and cared about other people’s comfort. I did not approve. The way Indra looked at Rey when she corrected her was hilarious, but I still stepped closer… not worried that the woman would hurt her… at least not with anything more than words. But even the idea of that made me feel… something. Something that urged me to be nearer to her.

I tried so hard not to flinch and not to vividly recall the flashes of my nightmares of finding Raven dead, drowned or anything in between. I knew I failed when Indra’s eyes settled on me, widening a little instead of her trademark narrowing. She tilted her head at Raven then looked between the two of us. ‘The boy dislikes it when you joke about your death…’ She fixed her gaze on me for a silent second and I had the sudden need to swallow.

'Interesting…’ She enunciated each syllable. ‘Weren’t you meant to be the one that only cared about himself?’

I cleared the tightness in my throat. “What can I say…” I forced a shrug. “I’m growing as a person.”

‘I will tell the leader of Trishanakru I agree you will be a good Seda for the children. I am undecided about the last Natblida.’ She said and then walked away before I could reply.

“Wait… what? Who?” I looked at Raven. “What the hell just happened?”

•— Raven —•

All I could do was burst out laughing so hard that tears formed in my hazel eyes. I wrapped one arm around John’s shoulder and patted it as Indra walked away without looking back.

“What just happened? I think she saw the new you and liked what she saw.” Still laughing at the shocked expression on face.

The fact that Indra pointed out how John has grown to care about others, at how I messed up by joking about my death to him. I wouldn’t point it out. We were friends. John has spent a good amount of his time on the island trying to keep me alive. So, of course jokes about my death weren’t welcome. Right? Yeah… of course… yeah….

‘What’s got you laughing so hard?’ Bells and O danced past the two of us.

I pointed to John’s head. “Indra just gave John Murphy here a new title…” they both looked to John and then me. “Seda…” I mouthed.

I could see Bell’s smirking and O… she looked from John to Indra walking away and then nodded her head. As though she agreed with this new idea.

•— John —•

Rested my hand on Raven’s back out of habit when she put her arm around my shoulder. Applying light pressure just to see how much of her weight she was offsetting. Before I had a chance to tell Raven the new me still hadn’t finished school and never mind teaching others… and teaching them what exactly? Bellamy and Octavia came over.

Bells wasn’t the best trig speaker but surely, he had heard this term… I was sure that Octavia called Indra Seda often. The new Grounder Queen seemed intrigued. “You can put a stop to whatever that is right?”

‘Should I?’ she asked like it was not big deal at all.

“I didn’t even finish school Octavia… I’m not teacher material.” I insisted.

‘I never went to school and now look at me?’ She smirked. She was amused by this! ‘And I don’t think it's that deep, Murphy. They just want you to teach the children English.’ I could tell she didn’t really believe that.

I was kind of doing that already… it didn’t sound too bad… unless they wanted me to do proper lessons. ‘You’ve already done that, right? The last time I visited the classroom the children showed me how they could count in Gonasleng.’

‘Wait… Murphy taught the kids English?’ Bellamy was grinning.

“Not really I just taught them to recognise the numbers on the lift buttons and the rooms, so they could find their way around better,” I admitted… because that was really all I had done. “Harper did the rest and Luna.”

‘But who taught Harper to count in Trig?’ Octavia asked.

“There’s a dozen people on this ship that could have done that better than I did.” I scoffed.

‘But no one did… right?’ Bellamy tilted his head curiously. ‘No one but you.’

  I scowled and Octavia laughed. ‘Honestly, I’m not sure why the clan elders are talking about you like this… but so far... I see no reason to put a stop to it. Just try not to cause a political disaster… Until then… ‘She shrugged. ‘I’m going to let this play out… but I gotta go now.’

She smiled at Raven, said goodbye, and followed her mentor. Bellamy looked Raven and me up and down for a second and excused himself too. I laughed and looked at Raven again. “Stars! You play a little music and the whole ship goes insane!” I laughed. “It’s not just me, right? That was fucking weird.”

•— Raven —•

Standing here my head moved from person to person, following the conversation as well as keeping an eye on our surroundings because… well… I was banking this all for a time when the dark wanted to drain me.

I felt John place his arm around my back, it was kinda normal for us to stand like this. Well, I didn’t mind the physical touch, nor did John... not from me anyway.

So, when the others walked away, I clasped his face in my hand. Turning him to look me in the eyes, smiling at the way his lips made that ‘O’ shape between my thumb and fingers squeezing his cheeks.

“Why in the name of hells are you fighting this?” Lowering my voice so this remains between him and me.

“You said you were lost without a reason for being helpful, and here it is… handed to you because you are so good with the little ones, and you’re looking for excuses not to step up? What the actual fuck, Watcher. Why can’t you see yourself... The way we can see you… The way I see you?”

I knew I was going off on a tangent now. But I wanted to shake him until he woke up to this momentous revelation.

•— John —•

I had no idea how, but she managed to take me by surprise when we were standing so close, but she did. She grasped my face and squeezed a little to pucker my lips and make me laugh… but then she started to talk and nothing she said was a laughing matter.

I rested my other hand on the back of her head, her silky ponytail sliding between my fingers as I ran it down the back of her neck. I touched my forehead to hers for a second and took a breath. My hand came to a stop on her shoulder, and I pulled back to see those bright hazel eyes. “Okay… okay. I’ll let this play out and see where it goes… but I’m not teaching a class like the ones we had… and the first time someone makes a Charles Pike jokes I’m done.”

A throat cleared nearby, and I bristled. ‘Am I interrupting?’ Of course, it was Officer Shaw. There was no place I could have a conversation with her, without him showing up at some stage. Not unless it was in her room.

“Yes actually… you are.” I spoke. “Your ration group isn’t due for ten more minutes.” I reminded him but he knew.

‘I was hoping to catch you,’ He spoke to Raven. ‘I had a few observations I wanted to go over with you from my night shift.’ He ignored me but I refused to step away from Raven… she knew if she gave any hint I would give her space.

“Thanks very much, Murphy. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of anyone else accessing their morning rations.” I rolled my eyes. Then turned back to Raven. “Did you eat? And don’t forget to grab your water allowance on the way out.” I reminded her. Soldier Boy wasn’t the only one who could ignore people.

•— Raven —•

What was happening? A shiver ran down my spine, the small hairs on my arms stood up, my heart picked up a few beats, and my lips parted with the feel of fingers in my hair and then down the back of my bare neck. Why had such a normal action, elicited such a reaction? Why did it take my breath away? I couldn’t find my thoughts or even figure out what to say.

“No-one… is going to call you by his name... or even joke about it.” Did my words sound breathy? No... I was imagining it. I had to be, right? The clearing of a throat beckoned my attention, taking my sight away from John to find the dark brown eyes of Mile searching mine for something.

Blinking away the sensations growing in the depths of my stomach. Telling myself It was nothing.  So much time had passed since another person had touch me. I was…. It was just… he was just…. “Oh… observations… of … course….” Shouting at myself to snap out of it! And then their response to one another did it. “Would you two behave yourself?”

Turning to look at John, only now noticing that my hands were on his cheeks still, and his arms were holding me in.

“I’ve eaten... and I will take my water with me.” Nodding once before letting my hands drop. Clearing my throat. I turned to Miles. “Where would you like to speak?” I asked. “Pointing to the table I had been sat on. And then the door. “Unless you want to walk and talk?”

They were both now clearly acting like the other didn’t exist. ‘Here is fine. I don’t believe we will be in anyone’s way all the way over here.’ That had to be in reply or a dig at John’s comments.  

Rolling my eyes. I took a step out of John’s hold, giving myself a minute to collect my thoughts before making my way to the table.

•— John —•

I was quietly stunned… her voice was… how I dreamed it sometimes. It was… hell! Why did my throat feel so tight? And of course, Miles was right here to destroy this tiny sliver of a dream that has become reality.

Everything had felt right in the world until he showed up. When Raven told us both to behave, I felt a smug satisfaction. But then I was very aware of the fact that I was breaking my promise to be nicer to the Officer… Lieutenant. I dropped my hands, happy to let her step away, she was oblivious to his feelings as she was to mine… not that I would ever keep her from finding happiness… okay… well maybe if it was with him? My stomach turned, no… not even then…. But I would harbour some dark thoughts.

“Don’t give it away… I can tell. And you know it.” I teased her. The subtle hints of dehydration were so clear to me in her, her eyes dulled, her lips were less rosy, and her pain was always more pronounced. “I’ll find you for your lunchtime rations.” I headed back to my station…

The music was still playing but the dancing was slowing, most people just talking now as they made their way out to make room for the next group.

Music: Best I Can · Art of Dying

Many of the grounders greeted me as I passed, speaking in Trig until I was tackled by a tiny… shockingly solid grounder child that ran right into me and clung to my leg. A mother rushed up and apologised, I recognised the kid as the boy that insisted on being carried for our little tour. I told her it was okay and picked him up, I had no idea if he was even old enough to understand the things I was saying to him.

I was fighting the urge not to look back at where Raven was with Shaw. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking he had gotten into my head again. That got easier when I spotted the woman holding a ration bar with only one bite taken from it. I explained to her that she needed to finish her food here. Also, that we had the rule to make sure no one gave their food away and became ill from not eating enough. I left out the whole black-market trading of rations. All of this was part of my deal with Abby before I agreed to take the job. I wasn’t going to be victimised by illegal ration trading like so many of us were on the Ark. Raven and I among them.

She explained that it was her sons ration, and he wouldn’t eat. I settled him on my hip and took the bar from her trying to hand it to him. He squirmed and tried to get away from me… or… the bar? He kept repeating ‘En’s laud, en’s laud!’ (It hurts; it hurts!) And a lot of grounders were looking at me, trying to figure out if I was hurting the kid. I set him down as his mother told me he’d been saying it for two days.

“Weron bilaik laudnes?” I asked. (Where is the pain?)

The kid pointed to his cheek and winced at the contact. I had an instant flash back… cringing at the remembered pain of a tooth ache. I had him open his mouth and I could see the angry gums.

Shit! I waved Jackson over. Picking the kid up and carrying him to the ration counter, setting him up. Jackson pulled out a light and other tools… because of course this little nerd had a med kit at breakfast. I translated for them both. Until Jackson huffed a little.

“What is it?” I asked.

‘This kid was intubated when he came on board, it looks like the scope cracked his tooth… it happens sometimes’ he said.

“Can you fix it?” I looked between him and the mom.

‘Up here… luckily yeah… on the ground… something this simple could be…’ Doc Lite stopped. ‘Bad. But He’ll be fine, he’ll need anaesthetic though. I’ll take him right away.’

I explained as best I could what he said, but there were no trig words for some of what he had to say. I told her the doc needed to give him medicine to make him sleep so they could fix it without hurting him. The mom looked panicked. Jackson started to lead them out, while I assured her it was all okay. Jax stopped when he realised, I wasn’t following… ‘John… you need to come.’ He told me.

“I can’t. I still have two ration groups and my deliveries to make.” I explained.

‘I need a translator for this procedure… for the child and the mother.’ Was he pleading?

“Get Clarke?” I said and he shook his head. “Kane then… or Octavia?”

‘Leadership meeting… It must be you, John.’

“It can’t be me… I have dozens of people to feed Jackson… I can’t…” I was torn. The kid was hurting… but I still had a job here.

‘I’ll do it!’ A stern, familiar voice came from my left and I turned to see my best friend. Then in trig she said. “I will translate for the healer.”

The mother began to protest. ‘Nou dis Friek---' I stepped in front of the mother all empathy lost for her now. (Not this Mutant)

“Shof op!” (Shut up) I said harshly, not letting her finish the word. I turned to Emori then. “You don’t have to do that Emori.”

‘Someone does, John.’ She spoke. ‘And you need to be here. I can do it, right Jackson?’

‘I would really appreciate it Emori… but if you aren’t comfortable…’ He started.

‘Oh, I’m perfectly cosy… Let’s go.’ She repeated it in trig, walking passed the woman confidently.

I swallowed hard as they all walked away. Jasper came up beside me. ‘Did she call her…’ He didn’t say the word. I nodded curtly. Looking at the two grounders that worked with me as they brought out the next groups rations, torn about what to do. There was a hand on my shoulder then. Jasper. ‘I’ll go with her. It’ll be fine.’ He assured me.

“Jordan!” I called after him as he walked away. “Don’t leave her alone.”

‘Not for a second!’ He called back.

“Shit!” I huffed to myself, walking back to the kitchen. “Shit, shit, shit!”

•— Raven —•

I moved to stand, and a hand grasped mine pulling me back down to the bench. ‘You gotta give them space to find their feet and build the trust. If you keep trying to find the answers, Rey… You are doing them a dis-service.’

Slowly I found myself taking my place at the table. However, my eyes following those who were parting ways. From where we sat, I couldn’t hear the full conversations taking place, however I could read faces, and I could read their body language. Something was not right.

‘Rey?’ Miles rubbed the back of my hand to draw my eyes back to him. ‘They are all capable of finding their answers. You need to give them space to grow.’ This made my head jerk back to him.

“Are you saying I’m stifling their growth?” My lips tight, back straight, brows pulled into a frown as my hazel eyes burrowed into the man before me.

He took me in, without flinching away from my gaze. I had to admire his ability to stand his ground. ‘You tell me?’ Crossing his arms over his chest, Miles raised one brow. ‘Think about what I’m saying, don’t react, just think about it.’ His voice remained calm, giving me time to revisit the period on the ship. Trying to see each situation from another point of view.

Miles must have seen something on my face because his body moved to lean in closer. ‘It’s not a bad thing. You love those in your circle. You want to be there for them. To find them ways to stop hurting or fix everything and everyone. But…’ He glanced around the mess hall. ‘How are you helping them to learn, to grow, to find their own ways out from the mess?’  

My eyes dropped to the metal table, because I felt them burn and the one thing, I wasn’t going to do was let anyone here in a happy place see tears. ‘I grew up with a lesson, my grandfather used to say it all the time.’ Miles placed a hand over mine again. ‘Give a man a fish and he will eat for one day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat and feed his family for a lifetime.’

I knew there were times when I jumped in to find the answers. Hells wasn’t that one of the reasons I ended up with A.L.I.E’s chip in my head? “So, I need to let them learn to fish.” My voice broken as I pulled my hand away.

‘Rey… No… you—’ I stood up carefully making sure I didn’t fall over my own feet.

“It’s okay. I get it.” Clearing my throat. “I just remembered, I promised to get some data over to Marcus before the leadership meeting. Can we go over your observations a little bit later.” I didn’t give him time to say anything before I walked out of the mess hall keeping my head down.

‘Rey… Wait…’ His voice cut off as the doors closed behind me.

“Fuck!” Muttering the words I punched the wall sideways; I knew that was a bad idea, the moment pain shot up my bloody elbow.

What was I doing? In the name of helping, had I been hindering those I love? I rushed towards the elevators. I needed to get myself to my workshop… I needed to find a place to think about this.

•— John —•

As soon as the breakfast shift was over… I left the others to clear up. After working with me and seeing Emori regularly the grounders on ration duty with me had started to see her as a person and not someone who should have been killed at birth. So, they didn’t mind me leaving them to clean up.

Abby told me I was supposed to delegate…. But honestly, it wasn’t as easy as you would think it should be. Maybe I wasn’t used to people listening to me… let alone looking to me to know what to do next.

As I left the canteen, I noticed that Raven hadn’t collected her water ration. Of course, she hadn’t, she had rushed out of her like there was a fire somewhere. What the hell had Officer Handsy said to her? Yeah, I had seen him take her hand and lean in across the table. My fingers clenched around the container in my hand, Rey’s ration number stuck meticulously straight to the metallic surface.

I had to prioritise… it had only been an hour since Raven left without her water… but Emori had left with grounders an hour ago, with only Jasper Jordan as protection. While I trusted that he would do everything in his power to protect her… I had little faith in the power that skinny whip held.

I had to check on Emori. I took the water, along with the ration deliveries I needed to make to the people in the dorms who couldn’t make it to the mess hall yet and the people in the med bay still. At least that was where Emori should be; so, I shouldn’t need to go searching for her. I stopped at the rooms on my list that were on the way there.

When I walked through the scuffed white doors, I was sure were once glossy. I heard… laughing?

Emori laughing. Then I spotted her, sitting cross-legged on a chair and Jasper sat close… he had lanky legs out to either side with his chair pulled up right in front of hers and they were playing…. Slaps? No. There was no way.

Emori would never let someone touch her deformed hand…. but there it was, right in front of me. Jasper’s hand resting on top of Emori’s gloved and bare, normal hand. He was griping about how she was better than him at a game he had only just taught her. I laughed and they looked up, shushing me. Clearly, oblivious to the noise they had just been making, Emori pointed to the bed where the boy with the toothache was sleeping.

“Wait… is it done already?” I asked and Jackson stepped out of the treatment room wiping his hands dry like he had just washed them.

‘It’s a simple procedure. And it was a milk tooth so the kid would get his molars like normal and won’t have any gaps. It was a good catch, John.’ He grinned. ‘The kid will be just fine.’

I looked at the kid, his mom sat next to him. I wondered if his father died in one of the wars or maybe the Deathwave? “Did she behave herself?” I scowled at the woman who almost called Emori a foul slur in Trig that the grounders used for those mutated by the nuclear apocalypse fallout.

‘She was frightened—’ Jackson started, and I whipped back to him.

“Don’t make excuses for this, Doc.” I shook my hand. “Not this.” Jackson dropped his eyes.

‘John… she didn’t say anything else. She hardly even looked at me the entire time.’ Emori explained like that was better.

‘Talk about gratitude.’ Jasper scoffed and still took the chance to get a slap in that outraged Emori.

‘I don’t need gratitude, I’ll take the smug satisfaction of knowing I’m kinder and more useful than she ever will be on this ship.’ Emori said in trig to make sure the mom heard her; she dodged the next slap and made a teasing sound of victory. ‘Not to mention, prettier and cleverer too.’ She got a slap in. ‘And reflexes of a natstoka.’

Jasper looked to me for a translation. “Panther,” I told him.

‘Oh! That is so going to be her new nickname!!! OW!!!’ Jasper got slapped again. ‘John boy! Start spreading the word.’

I rolled my eyes. “I’ll get right on that… but I’m going to start by spreading these rations first.” I lifted the basket I carried.

I passed the rations around the med bay and reluctantly left Emori in there with Jasper, in case more translation was needed. I made the last few drops and then started for Raven’s workshop. There was no guarantee she was there. She fixed things all over the ship, but it was the only place I knew to start. And there might be a clue on her tablet what her plan was for the day… unless she took that with her. I chuckled… she was a hard woman to pin down.

That thought might have sent my mind spinning down a distracting path… Of course, there was so much more to my attraction to her… but I was only human too.

•— Raven —•

My body slammed into Abby pushing the both of us off our access. It took me a moment to wipe my eyes, straighten up before plastering a fake smile on. “Hold your house there Abby, what’s the rush?”

She chuckled tilting her head to the side, however it wasn’t hard to note that her gaze remained in place. ‘It’s Hold your Horses... the saying…’ Chuckling again. ‘But… You tell me, here I stood minding my own business. And then boom. Raven Reyes is trying to take me out.’ There was a hint of humour in her tone, but her motherly gaze wasn’t missing a thing.

“Oh, you know how it is. A million things to do….” Trailing off before my voice gave too much away.

‘Hmm… I guess, but it’s unlike you to be lost in thoughts. Is everything okay, darling?’ Damn this woman and her caring tone. Add to that the hand she placed on my shoulder rubbing the spot slowly.

“Yeah…” I replied off handedly and scoffing for good measure.

‘Rey…’ She returned a strong tone. ‘Tell me. It feels like I’ve not seen you for so long. Tell me what’s wrong.’ Taking my hand to guide me out of the elevator and towards a side where we wouldn’t be in the way, and no one would be able to overhear.

“It’s—” she cut me off.

‘Before you say it’s nothing. I know better. So just tell me.’ Cupping my face, she brought me in closer, with redden eyes lifting to meet hers. I didn’t know what power this woman held over me. Taking in a few deep sighs before I gave her the gist of what was upsetting me.

As soon as the last word left my lips, I felt like a weight had been placed on my heart. I’d hoped speaking those concerns aloud would make the feeling dissipate, however it remained.

‘Okay…’ She started tapping my cheek softly while I watched her closely as her mind allowed the information to permeate... ‘Okay… I can see where Miles may feel he has a good understanding of the moment, and the advice isn’t the worst I’ve heard.’ Something crossed her face in a flash. One moment it was there and then poof, it was gone. ‘However, Miles hasn’t lived your life or walked in your shoes. What may seem overprotective to him, to us it’s how we have adapted to life. We always have one another’s backs. Because we understand a different set of dangerous from him. Maybe?”

I wasn’t sure how to feel, or what to say so I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t want to be the reason for anyone to fail. And the more I think about it, the more I’m concerned that I am doing everything wrong. I just cannot seem to make the right decisions even when I’m trying to.”

Abby rubbed a hand down my back. ‘Yeah… and there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing in our life has come with a playbook. We are all learning as we go along. Friendships. Family… Strangers… being back up here, in a ship we don’t know a lot about. It’s hard. We will all take time to learn the new meaning of life in space again.’ Smiling now she kissed my forehead. ‘You aren’t the reason for your friends not growing or learning. But you are the reason they... we… are all alive. Hold on to this fact when the darkness comes calling.’  

•— John —•

Once I was freed of my burden to deliver the rations those incapable of coming to collect theirs; I picked up the pace. This ship was huge, and Raven could be literally anywhere in it or outside of it… though as far as I knew; she had yet to take a spacewalk since we got up here.

I turned a corner and almost walked right into Monty Green, his arms loaded with parts and tools. ‘Wow… where are you off to in such a rush?’ Monty said, trying to save his load from toppling. I reached out to do the same.

“I’m looking for Raven… did you just come from the workshop? Is she down there?” I asked.

‘Um… no. I mean, yes I came from the workshop, but she wasn’t there.’ He answered.

“No chance she happened to say, where she was going today at all?” I asked hopefully.

‘Sorry, I haven’t seen her since breakfast…’ He said and then his brows knit. ‘Didn’t you see her at breakfast too?’

I held up the bottle. “She left without her water ration…” I shook my head. “One second she was talking to Soldier boy and then she was rushing out of the place like an airlock was malfunctioning…” Then my brows knit. “Wait, it wasn’t something like that was it?”

‘NO!’ Monty scoffed… ‘I’m an engineer… I would know if it was…’

“Aren’t you an apprentice?” I asked.

‘Well… Jaha is the last qualified engineer we have… I’m not sure he’ll be teaching me from the bunker… so. Engineer.’ He didn’t look confident. Thank the stars for Raven. ‘How do you even know that’s hers?’ He asked. “It’s her ration number,” I replied like it was obvious because… it was.

‘The ration numbers are seven digits. You memorized hers?’ Now he had a teasing grin on his face.

“I spend my whole day looking at lists of names and numbers… it’s not that weird.” I rolled my eyes.

‘What's mine?’ He challenged.

“I never said I memorized them all… Raven… has a habit of not picking hers up… so after all the times I had to find her to her eat and drink…. I guess it stuck.” Was I defensive?

‘Right.’ Monty smirked and dragged out the vowel. ‘Well, sorry John… I can’t help you… you could use a workstation and check the work orders. But our Rey gets sidetracked and tends to take little jobs between the ones on her list, so she could be anywhere. But she does mark her orders as done as soon as they are completed, so that should narrow it down.’

I huffed… I just about knew how to file the ration logs and send a repair request through these bloody tablets. But Monty was already shuffling away, and I didn’t really want to ask him to show me how to do all of that and reveal yet another failing on my long, long list.

In the lift, I leaned against the corner and tapped at the screen. I searched work orders… and all that came up were the kitchen shifts. Those were work orders. I searched mechanic, I searched a million things and then her name… maybe this stupid thing had a way to track hers? Was that creepy? The message Insufficient Clearance flashed up several times.

Insufficient… sounded like me….

Nothing. I headed to the workshop because… she had to come back at some stage, right?

I sat at her preferred workbench and booted up the screen, her user ID blinked and it requested a password… there was no way it was the same as her door code. I typed in a few guesses.

Incorrect Password

Incorrect Password

Incorrect Password…3 Attempts Remaining

I typed in BFanko2025.

Incorrect Password…2 Attempts Remaining

“Shit” I grumbled. I wondered what would happen after two more tries… I thought harder this time and started to type. She had no reason to believe anyone here would use her password to see what she was working on… she wouldn’t make this complicated. I typed, Dysfunctional family. As I did Lizzy walked in…

‘What on Earth are you up to?’ She walked up to where I sat as the screen flashed.

Incorrect Password…1 Attempts Remaining

“We aren’t on Earth…” I said sardonically… thinking… Okay, she wouldn’t complicate the password, but she would change it every few days. That would be a habit for her by now.

‘It's an expression…’ Lizzie chastised, and I chuckled. ‘But seriously… what are you doing?’

“Trying to figure out Rey’s password,” I admitted like it wasn’t a big deal… because it wasn’t I just wanted to see what was on her list for today.

‘Dude!!’ She tried to pull the screen toward her. ‘You can’t do that!’

“Why not? I just need to see where she was due to work today. It’s not a big deal.”

‘Yes… it is. I get the whole infatuated thing… she’s one hell of a woman… but this…’ She motioned from my head to my toes, encompassing the whole workstation. ‘Is red flag behaviour!’

“Why? I guarantee that she knows exactly where I am right now… or could find out if she wanted to.” It was a genuine question and statement.

‘Doesn’t that freak you out?’ she asked.

“Why would it? There are exactly three people that would notice if I vanished… I want all of them to know exactly how to find me at all times…”

‘You people are so fucking weird.’ She muttered, but there was no bite to it… sympathy maybe?

So, if she was changing her passwords frequently then it was probably something recent… something others wouldn’t think of as obvious.

I took a shot making sure Lizzie didn’t see me type. Papercrane

Access Granted

‘How the hell did you do that? I thought you were shit with computers. And now you're a hacker?’ She was stunned.

“Ew… no… I just… guessed.” I said. “If she wanted it private, she’d have made it harder. Now will you stop acting like this is some sort of white flag and show me how to find the work order.” I said.

‘It’s a RED flag, and it means creepy alpha male behaviour.’ She rolled her eyes, and I started pressing random buttons. ‘Stop! Stop! Stop!’ She pushed me aside. ‘Fine! But if Raven asks, I’m telling her everything.’

“Fine by me…” I leaned in next to her. “What’s an alpha male?” I asked.

‘Jesus Christ…’ she navigated to a few screens. ‘Hopeless.’ She muttered similar sentiments as she found the work orders screen and they started to populate.

•— Raven —•

After Abby left, I recalled that I should have given her the data Marcus has requested of me. “I can’t seem to do anything right.” Muttering it to myself rubbing the side of my head as I advanced towards Council rooms. Only stopping when a warning flashed over the screen of my tablet.

Unauthorised attempts to login.

“What the hells?” I’d stopped to frown at the screen, in the middle of the corridor when someone bumped into the back of me sending the tablet flying across the floor.

‘Fuck. Shit. Sorry.’ I didn’t recognise the voice, or the feel of the man as he held on to me to stop me from toppling forward or falling. Once certain I’d regained my footing, he moved around me to gather my tablet, wiping it with the corner of his jumpsuit with the Eligius Corporation logo on it, before handing it back over. ‘I’m truly… sorry! I need to start looking where I’m going. Are you okay?’

Nodding my head while taking the tablet offered back to me, I didn’t have time to reply. ‘I never give myself enough time to get to my shift. You’d think after being asleep, or frozen for over a hundred years, I’d be over the whole Love of sleep thing right. But nope. Not me.’

Tilting my head to the side I couldn’t help my lips curling up slightly. He was funny, and now really looking at him I could see that I did indeed recognise him. It was the Pilot Officer of Eligius IV.  Whereas Miles Shaw called himself a "cocky space explorer," who was willingly joined a mining mission to uncover the "secrets of the universe."

Fritz Jacinto had a kind and easy going demeaner. Taller than me, with dark black short hair, a square jaw, with open and honest eyes. Fritz had joined the Eligius IV crew after being discharged from the UK Air Force. It hadn’t been a long-life dream, his file stated that it was just the next step in his career. He’d flown the skies in the name of his country; So, space was beckoning his name.

“Flight Officer Jacinto.” Dropping my chin once in greeting.

‘Please… It’s fritz.’ He corrected me with a wave of his hand. Looking down at me through his dark eye lashes. I couldn’t help the voice in my head asking why men always had such long eye lashes? ‘Where are you off to Miss Reyes, could I accompany you part of the way, if not all the way?’ He asked taking a step to the side, sweeping his hand out in a gesture to go first.

“Didn’t you say, you were running late for your shift on the bridge?” Asking with a soft smile now. Setting off the way I had planned to before I bumped into him.

‘Shit… Yeah… See… My mum raised a gentleman, which means I will always ask to accompany a beautiful young lady to her destination. Which is most likely why I never made it up the ranks now that I think of it.’ His accent one I’d only heard in the music John would play back at home. ‘Could I ask for a rain check?’ Bending down at his waist with his two hands clasped together.

“Of course, because I’m not known for needing someone to accompany me, I’m normally the one who is setting up the road so it’s safe for others to walk.” Pointing around us. “Not that there are any dangerous things jumping out at us up here. And let’s face it… I’m also not going to be the reason you do not make it to your shift in time.” I told him just before he laughed, winked and then set off running again.

‘Yeah… I’m learning that women in your times… they are bad arse!’

Stopping I watched him going until the doors of the council room opened to my right, and I heard the calming voice of Luna, speaking to the men in the room.

‘We need to start with respect, no matter who it is we speak of. This is meant to help all of us. Not just the chosen few.’ She silenced the rowdy room at once. Her eyes lifting to me with a kind smile when she saw me stepping inside.

•— John —•

Lizzie opened the work orders, and it showed the jobs that Ravan had already done today. I shook my head and grinned. “That woman is going to work herself into the med bay…. Again.” I muttered to myself. But Lizzie was close enough that she heard.

‘What do you mean by again?’ She asked.

“It’s a long story…” I had no idea what Lizzie knew about Raven. “And it's not really mine to tell.”

‘I’m guessing it has something to do with why you are a little… obsessed when it comes to Raven?’ She asked, seemingly having a light bulb moment.

“Raven and I have had a lot of life and death experiences together… I think a little obsession is to be expected… right?” I smirked… I shook my head, shaking away the images of me firing into the floor of the dropship, not knowing who was under there. The image of Rey pulling the trigger on me after the dropship camp battle… We were past all that. But the scars remained.

‘Yeah, the end of the world can do that I suppose.’ Lizzie looked pained.

“Oh, there was plenty that had nothing to do with the end of the world.” I laughed darkly. I clicked on a tab that read SCHEDULE. Lizzie stayed quiet. I was glad. I really didn’t want to tell those stories right now.

“Dammit,” I muttered.

‘Looks like she was scheduled to talk with the council… easy… it’s a few floors up and the lift close to the room they meet in… what’s the problem?’ She asked.

I sighed. “I just don’t want to be anywhere near that room.” She gave me a look. “I have an issue with authority.” I also had an issue that Luna agreed to advise them… It was dangerous. She was a Nightblood. I knew Octavia was one of us… but she went all Skairipa in Polis. I wasn’t sure I trusted her not to kill Luna to keep her position.

And I wasn’t sure I trusted Indra and her zealot daughter not to try and force an ascension on her.

Lizzie looked from me to the bottle I had sat on the workstation, while I hacked, as Lizzie called it (but seriously if she didn’t want me to know she would have made her password random), but guessing and hacking… not the same thing. ‘You know… It is just a bottle of water… you could give it to her at her lunch rations.’

I was about to glare at her when I realised that she was right… Raven wasn’t moments away from death. “If you knew how awful Rey was at looking after herself you might have a different opinion.”

‘Or if I was…’ She cut off as I glared at her. ‘Never mind!’

Then she heaved a sigh… she grabbed the bottle. ‘Fine. Leave it to me Loverboy!’ She jumped up from the stool and headed out. I logged out of the workstation… I knew at least that much, then followed her.

“I’ll head as far as the med bay with you. I’ll have time to check on the kid before I go back to work.”

She had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained as we walked. ‘You know that isn’t your responsibility, right?’ She quirked a brow and hit the button for my floor and her. I just shrugged… unsure what she meant. ‘I mean… well done figuring out what was up with the kid before he got an infection or something. But… that’s medical’s issue now.’

“And that would be true if anyone else there could speak Trig,” I said like that was the perfect comeback because I believed it was.

‘Isn’t that why Emori went? I have spoken with her… her English is fluent.’ She shot that argument right down. ‘And don’t say it’s because you don’t want her alone because of the whole we kill the kids with birth defects … because she has your buddy Jasper with her.’

“I just need to know they are safe… and before you ask. That means Raven, Luna and Emori. I know people from your Generation think it's weird that my closest friends are all girls. But Emori was my first real friend ever… Luna… well she didn’t give me a choice and Raven… is Raven.”

‘That is some serious trauma bonding right there!’ Lizzie shook her head.

“I have no idea what that means.” I laughed, but it wasn’t hard to guess. “Weren’t you a soldier in a war? I’m sure you have been in situations like that too, right?”

Of course, she had, but she changed the subject… ‘So, teach me something in this crazy language you learned in like three months.’

“Like what?’ I laughed.

‘Loverboy.” She smirked. I thought about it for a second and told her.

“Fanas.” (Sexy) With a straight face. Then the lift dinged for my floor.

Before the door slid shut, she called after me. ‘I’ll find you after I see… let you know they’re safe.’

Dammit! It was hard to not like this girl… but honestly, I had stopped resisting liking her a while ago. How long had we even been on this ship now? The doors closed and Lizzie was gone again. I checked the time once more on my tablet and picked up speed to go and check on Emori before the midday ration shifts started.

•— Raven —•

“What in the hells was I thinking coming here in person?” sideways glancing at Griff who’d come to join me by the back wall looking over the large circular table everyone sat around.

‘Uhm… Was it the fact that you didn’t want me in here suffering this madness alone?’ She teased. Smiling at the look of discontent on my face. ‘Okay. Maybe not.’ Pushing her elbow into my side. ‘Hey… Are you okay?’ Her eyebrows pulled together.

“Yeah. Fine. Just been a long morning so far.” Damn these Griffen women and their ability to sniff out B.S from a hundred feet away. 

‘That’s never been an issue for your overachieving arse before. In fact, I’m sure you thrive on it.’ And I knew she was right. But I also wasn’t in a place to talk about it again. Not until I’d had time to work it out too. Both our heads turned back to the table when we heard another argument breaking out.

“Why are we still going around in circles here? Didn’t the council already agree on the pods and the timeline we would put everyone to sleep?” She nods her head. The both of us listening to the conversation before she spoke to me again.

‘Yeah, we did come to an understanding, but now the issue is with who is going in.’ she saw my eyebrows lifting. ‘Yup… I know.’ She clearly read my mind. ‘They are saying that at least ten warriors from each clan should stay awake, or at least five. Some of them have this notion that once they are all asleep. We could float them.’ That sent a chill down my spine.

‘No... you are not listening to the fact. We need a skeleton crew onboard awake, people who can keep this ship going. We do not have the rations to keep so many people alive for the mount of time needed.’ Marcus said in trig. Holding his hands out towards me to step forward. ‘Rey has the data right here; this will show us all what the impact will be.’

Stepping forwards their eyes were burning holes in my face. (At least that’s how I’d imagined it). But I was used to this… Speaking the truth and sticking to facts. Nothing could go wrong, right? I send the data from my tablet to the screen they were all turned towards now, and begun breaking down the figures for them in a way that they could understand.

〄           〄           〄           〄

By the time the meeting had ended, I was ready to jump out of the airlock without a suit on and hope for the best. The same arguments were being had repeatedly. The same points of contention, the same outcomes. And then we were back at square one.

‘Aren’t you glad you came to this meeting?’ Griff asked as she, Luna and I departed the room together.

‘Rey was needed. Even if they weren’t willing to listen at first. Seeing the impact in a few years to those who will stay awake, helped in the end.’ Luna placed a hand on my shoulder.

“I don’t understand how you both put-up with-it day in and day out. Damn Luna, I’d punch me if I were you.”

They both shared a look before laughing. ‘Chomouda? (Why?)’ She asked.

“If it wasn’t for me and John. You wouldn’t be in there.” She laughed some more, shaking her head.

‘Luna loves it in there.’ Griff joked rolling her eyes. ‘Really… She’s always so zen. I’d truly feel embarrassed for the others and their red faces when Marcus told them to listen to what Luna has to say.’ Griff answered as we all came to a stop.

‘There you are.’ A voice we weren’t expecting came up to us.

“Lizzie? Who are you looking for?” I asked with a smile on my lips.

‘You!’ She waved a bottle of water in front of my face. ‘Fanas, said you need to get your water intake up...’ She stopped speaking when she saw Luna, Griff and I share a look.

“Fanas?” The three of us questioned at once.

‘Yeah… Fanas.. You know… John Murphy.’ She gave a questioning look before the three of us burst out laughing.

‘Oh…. My… Hells…! John Murphy and Fanas?’ Griff was ready to fall on the ground. ‘Did he tell you what that means?’

Lizzie crossed her arms, fighting back her own laughter, guessing that she had been played. ‘He said…. Never mind… Will someone tell me what that word means… Please?’

It took us a few minutes to come to terms with what we had been asked. It was Luna who gathered herself first. ‘It means Sexy.’ Lizzie’s mouth dropped open making Griff and I laugh even harder.

“I’m guessing that’s not the word you were looking for?” wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

‘No… But I’ll get that little… so… and… so back.’ She cracked finally shaking her head and laughing too. ‘Here, please take your water bottle, woman. He was worried you wouldn’t drink today if someone didn’t remind you.’

•— John —•

When I got back to the med bay Jackson was explaining to the mom (through Emori’s translation skills) that he wanted the kid to stay the night. I had a feeling if it had been a Skaikru kid they would have sent him back to the dorms. But grounder parents probably weren’t well-versed in post-dental care. He was just being safe. He told her he could set up a bed if she wanted to stay with him or she was welcome to go back to her bunk and rest. But she took the offer to stay, unsurprisingly.

I told Emori to let her know she couldn’t stay here all night to help her communicate, and again… unsurprisingly… she was fine with that. So much for gratitude. Even though this woman sat lovingly next to her child I knew in my bones that if this boy had been born with a defect… she would have left him out to die.

Later, walking back to the mess with Emori and Jasper, I told them my theory and Emori bit her lips. ‘You can’t say that… you never know until a person is in that position. She might have done the right thing. But I’m glad she never needed to make that decision.’ She said.

“You’re too forgiving.” I scoffed.

‘Not forgiving… just. Over it. They don’t have the power here. They can say whatever they like. I’m just choosing not to let it rule my life.’ She shrugged.

I slung my arm over her shoulder at the same time as Jasper and we smacked elbows. “OW!!” I protested. He recovered faster and got his arm around her, tucking a laughing Emori under his lanky arm.

‘HA!! She’s all mine now John-boy!’ He teased and we walked into the mess; the music was still playing but at a lower volume.

The place was empty, closed when it was unmanned, only the ID codes of the workers and people with clearance unlocked the doors, and they closed and locked behind us until the first midday ration slot started. The tables and floors had been cleaned since this morning, and I saw the grounder assigned to this duty already counting ration and nutrition packs.

Emori heaved a sigh. ‘This is starting to feel really repetitive… you know?’

I just laughed. “Yeah, that’s kinda life in space. You could go and work With Raven today? She is probably finished with the council meeting; they are all on the first ration call, so they have the same schedule for meetings and stuff. So, after she collects her ration, you should go with her… she has quite a few jobs on her list today.”

‘How do you know what is on her list today?’ Jasper asked.

“I saw her work orders when I was looking for her earlier.” That had him narrowing his eyes at me suspiciously. I just continued without clarifying anything. “You could go too… I’m sure she could use the help. And we all know that she would never ask.”

‘Yeah… I think I will. You have all the help you need here, right?’ Emori asked.

“Yeah, me and my grounder crew have got this… you two should go help keep this tin can in the air.” I laughed. I almost heard Jasper roll his eyes.

‘There’s no air in space John!’ He scoffed.

“Nerd!” I coughed the word. He let go of Emori for the first time since he put his arm around her to crack me across the back of the head playfully.

“Well since you guys are here now… you might as well help set up.” I chuckled and we set into the routine… Jasper wasn’t as familiar with it as Emori was and mostly, they browsed the music, then helped a little… Then got distracted again… but it was fine. He was making Emori smile. Hell… Jasper was smiling. There was no downside to this.

•— Raven —•

With my water bottle in hand, I made my way to my workshop, needing to stop by to pickup some tools and spare parts for my workload today. Luckily, I had completed one of the bigger jobs in the morning before being side-tracked by breakfast and the council meeting.

‘Rey?’ Bells’ voice made me turn my head as he jogged up from behind.

“All, okay?” I asked coming to a stop only when we came to the elevator bank. Which reminded me… I needed to investigate the lighting inside. I could swear it was flickering when I last used it.

‘Yeah… As good as things can be up here.’ He pushed the button to call the box.

“Okay… did you need something?” because from the way his eyes were darting everywhere but at me. He so did.

Looking around to make sure we were alone he lent down to whisper. ‘Please could I ask for some help?’ this made me smirk.

“Okay… Help with what?” I whispered back.

Once again, his eyes shifted around us before he continued. ‘Uhmm… It’s not anything big…’ Looking around again.

“Would you just spit it out Bellamy!” Huffing at him as the doors opened making the both of us step inside.

‘Okay… okay…’ Waiting until the doors were closed before speaking. ‘So…’ He coughed.

“What the Hells did you break?” I asked now with my hands on my hips. I knew that look in his eyes too well.

‘Hey… How do you know I broke it.’ He asked lifting his hands palms flat in defence.

“There… That… you just admitted to it.” Pointing a finger at him.

‘No… I just asked a question.’ He snapped his teeth at my fingers as I normally did.

“Bellamy…” He covered my mouth with his hand.

‘Okay... okay... But I didn’t mean to break it. It just stopped working.’ He whispered to me. ‘Don’t get mad, okay? I’ll tell you.’

I did as he asked, standing there with my eyebrows pulled together as he broken down the damage he had unleashed. “So… Let me get this straight. You and some of the OG crew on the ship, thought it was fun to try to link the main screens on the flight decks to play games? Games you don’t even know how to play, you just thought it sounded cool? Am I getting this right? And now… those screens won’t revert to the main displays they were designed for… and are playing a hundred-year-old porn with the sound on full blast?” Rubbing my temples as I spoke. “How in hells are we even friends? And Who the hells even watches Porn?” He said nothing, his face bashful, and yet there was still a smirk on his lips.

‘Is it any better if we call it research?’ He asked. To which I punched him in the arm. ‘OW!!! Rey!!! That Hurt woman!’

“No! No, It’s Not.!” Shaking my head. “I should leave it like that to teach all of you a lesson. That will stop you from fucking around.” Sighing. “Come on… We need to go to my workshop first, then take me to the screens.” I could go on my own, sure. But I was going to make Bells’ carry all the tools. Those I need, and those I would add to the list just for pay back.

•— John —•

Raven didn’t show for her ration slot… I wish I could say that this was unusual… but it was far from it. And at least now I had a very valid reason for looking for her earlier, even if the army nurse thought that I was being overprotective.

By the middle of the rotation, she still hadn’t shown, I added her rations into the ones I had to deliver later. Suddenly, Lizzie cut the line to slap me across the back of my head. ‘I have a bone to pick with you!’ She glared, but there was no fire in it.

“OW!” I exaggerated. “What was that for!?” I knew exactly what it was for.

‘Oh, please! Sexy! You know exactly what it's for!’ She was grinning through her mock outrage.  ‘Luna told me what that word you taught me really means.’

“Yeah… she’s not much of a practical joker. My money was on her or Clarke to rat me out.” I chuckled.

‘Oh, Griffin and Rey thought it was hilarious too!’ Lizzie exclaimed.

I laughed hard. “Clarke Griffin laughed. Damn… I didn’t know she had it in her.”

‘You two have history, don’t you?’ She asked, and I just looked at the line behind her; she nodded, understanding that this was the place. It wasn’t a story I was planning on telling, but it stopped her from asking about it for now.

Miles didn’t come in until close to the end of his rotation. ‘Hey… Do you know what happened with the kid you were talking to today?’ He asked me. I did a double take. Was he being normal?

“Oh… he’s fine. Just needed some teeth pulled.” I told him. “I’m sure he is hurting, but better to hurt now than die later,” I answered. Shaw laughed.

‘People don’t die from cavities.’

I looked at him to see if he was kidding. He wasn’t kidding. “Wow… you really think that’s true, don’t you?”

‘I mean… sure… but only if you don’t get it treated for weeks.’ He shrugged, and I scoffed. ‘No one will wait that long without seeing a dentist.’

“Oh yeah, sure… look around. These people clearly have been spending their time building medical schools.” I scoffed. “Even on the Ark, people died because of dental issues, and we had doctors.”

He just rolled his eyes. But I wasn't going to get into an argument with him over it here when I listened to the guy in the cell next to me groaning in pain and screaming from fever dreams for two weeks because, they wouldn’t waste rations on a prisoner.

‘Look, John… I get that you guys had it tough. But nothing you say will make me believe the Ark withheld medical care from kids.’ He scoffed and tore open his rations.

“Next time you see Abby, why don’t you ask her what she did when I was sick at age ten and my medical allowance ran out?” I wasn’t sure if the crew knew that almost all the Arkadians on board aged eighteen and under were criminals, so I wasn't going to confirm it for him. “You ask her if she looked my parents in the eye and told them to prepare for me to die while doing nothing but provide what they called compassionate care. Then get back to me.” I said in a neutral, dispassionate tone.

He looked like he was about to say something, but I called out to the next person in line, offering her a big smile; she didn’t need to suffer the consequences of my bad mood.

Miles moved on and went to sit with other crew members. When I saw some of Monty’s other friends… ones that did other nerdy stuff on the computers, I asked them if they knew where Raven was. Hoping I wouldn’t have to try to find her through her workstation again. They all burst out laughing and told me she was on the flight deck.

Why the hell was that so funny?

The third rotation seemed to last forever before I could get out and do my rounds again. I planned on finishing them at the flight deck so I could lecture Rey about forgetting her water and missing her midday rations. Emori tagged along, hoping to find Rey and ask if she could shadow her for the rest of her shift.

But when I arrived there, I stopped in my tracks at the door. Emori spun around and looked away. ‘What the hell!? Your people made videos of…. THIS!!!!’ She punched me square in the funny bone, sending pins and needles all the way to my fingertips. As if I were the one who made this… movie?

Bellamy Blake was standing… watching a tiny, perfect form half pint under a workstation… even in a sea of similar jumpsuits, I would recognise her. “Blake!” I called over the moaning and slapping flesh blasting from the overhead speakers. “What the hell is going on in here?”

‘That’s a long story, Murphy.’ He gave a half-amused and half-anxious smile. ‘Raven is trying to fix it now.’

•— Raven —•

“They wanted to play in a group with the so-called entertainment on the big screens” Shouting the reply over the sounds I’d become immune towards now. “See, the story wasn’t that long, Bells.” I could feel eyes on my arse making me add. “I swear if I find any one of your eyes on my arse. I will set the boom sticks to go off when you least expect them.”

There were murmurings coming from above me, however I didn’t care enough to listen to them. Pulling out the last of the connections, I let out a sigh of relief when the flesh pounding sounds stopped and I could hear nothing more than the noises of shifting bodies and the ship’s humming. “That’s better.” Muttering while shifting the weight off my hips and legs to stand myself up. I had to hold onto the desk for a few minutes when my head spun from the shooting pain, and the blood rush all hitting at once.

‘I always miss the fun when I don’t work the night shifts.’  Fritz Jacinto joked. But I knew in all the time the movie had been playing, he’d kept his eyes on his screen. “Hmm…. Sure…” finally turning to see all the relief on the faces looking back at me. “People in your times… Bloody nuts if you ask me.” I told him half smiling, and then I saw them stood by the door. John and Emori not looking so impressed they hadn’t come in completely. “Not your kinda fun guys?” I had to laugh. Because I was past being pissed now.

•— John —•

I smirked at Raven’s comments… not feeling the sting of her words because my eyes weren't on her arse but on the angle of her leg brace and the slight tremor in her thigh muscles. And okay sure! Her arse. But I knew that her pain radiated all the way up from her leg to her hip and back. I ignored the groaning about not checking her out in front of her psycho boyfriend and hoped it was far enough across the room from her, she hadn’t heard. By the way Bellamy’s eyes shifted to me, I figured he wasn’t sure if they meant him or me either.

She was going to be hurting today… and there wasn’t anything I could do in this room. The screens flicked to black. It was a relief… because the fact that it was extremely poor taste… it still… had an effect.

When she started manoeuvring out of the hole, I had to plant my feet hard to stop myself going to her. I could see Blake having a similar thought. At least that would keep the porno generation guessing.

I could see she was hurting, and I was completely unable to do anything about it that wouldn’t cross a line I knew she wouldn’t want to be crossed. Then her question snapped me out of it… Emori was finally looking back into the room. ‘I will never understand you Star Dwellers… you get weirder by the day.’ She shook her head.

‘Star Dwellers?’ The guy that had been speaking to Raven asked. I was sure I recognised him. ‘I like it… but most of us were born on earth. Like you, right?’ He was addressing Emori. And correctly too, as she was the only person in the room that wasn’t part of the crew that had been born on Earth.

‘Maybe on the same planet… but an entirely different world.’ Emori teased. The officer nodded, conceding to her point. I hoped to avoid commenting but then Blake looked at me and smirked.

‘Not a fan of twenty-first-century adult entertainment, Murphy?’ He asked.

I shook myself free of my thoughts and stepped fully into the room, reaching into my basket of rations. “I’m not sure that even the people making the entertainment were fans… everyone involved just looked angry. Like they would rather be anywhere else.” I replied, handing Bellamy his ration. “You missed your rotation…” Then I turned to Raven and smirked. “And shockingly! So did you!” The sarcasm dripped off every word as I handed her the silver packet.

Emori took the basket and offered to hand out the rest. When I told her it was fine, she reminded me that these people didn’t care about her hand… They might stare a little or be curious. But no one here would think she should die for a mutation caused by radiation. So, I handed it over and let her do it so I could check in on Raven.

Raven, who was holding onto the workstation for balance. All the chairs here seemed to be bolted in place so I couldn’t just pull one over for her. “Now that all that racket has stopped let’s take a break… I don’t know about you guys… but I haven’t had a minute to sit down all day.” Then I smirked. “Except for when I logged into Raven’s workstation… but that hardly counts. Cute password, by the way.” I grinned at her, fishing my own midday ration out of my pocket.

•— Raven —•

Bells took his food rations sliding himself on to the desk I’d been leant on. Smiling as he ripped it open. His eyes darted to John and then to me. ‘Why were you logged into Reye’s workstation? And how did you know her password?’

Setting my own ration down beside him, I took out a rag to wipe my hands. “Those are some good questions.” Raising my brows at John. “And now the unauthorised loggings make sense to me. Of course it was you. I should have bloody well known it. Who else would Ben trying to break into my account.”

There was no heat or malice in my words. It was a matter of fact, coated with some humour.

“Did you at least find what you were looking for?”

Picking up the packet and using my teeth to rip it open. “I would have come looking for my food at some point.” I continued quietly. “After fixing this one’s mess.” Nudging Bells

‘Hey!’ His grin growing just before his arm came around my waist pulling me up on the desk beside him. ‘I knew you’d help, and it wasn’t just me you know… the others were curious too… And I owe you one.’

•— John —•

I smirked at Bellamy and shrugged like I wasn’t going to answer, taking a bite of the rock-hard biscuit between my teeth. “Fuck, I miss my kitchen,” I mumbled. Then I just grinned at Raven. “It is really breaking in when you make it so easy?” I teased her, knowing she had layers of passwords for the things that mattered. I looked at Bellamy and answered his question… “I guessed… I could probably guess yours, too, Blake.” He just shook his head and laughed.

When Blake helped Raven to sit up on the workstation, I was relieved… Talking to Lizzie today had made me start to question if I was hovering too much. But honestly… I didn’t know how else to be. There was another mutter behind us, about how it was impossible to keep track of who was dating whom in Skaikru… It made me look back to Bellamy and Raven… but he’d helped her to sit and then removed his arm from around her.

What was I missing here?

Emori was deep in conversation across the room, and it seemed… comfortable. “And yes,” I said to Raven. “I did find what I was looking for… it was you. How do you think Lizzie found you with your water ration?”

Bellamy laughed. ‘Wow… you keep us guessing, Murphy, that’s for sure… Chef… Nurse… Good Guy… and now Hacker?’

“Guessing is not hacking… it's…. Typing.” And some seriously intense observation skills… but that was just survival. Then my brow quirked, and I looked at Bellamy.

“You were curious about twenty-first century porn?” I asked. “And decided that a group setting was the best place to indulge this?”

‘No!’ He shook his head. ‘We were looking for computer games and someone opened the wrong folder… but all the screens had been linked already and… shit got weird.’ I just burst out laughing and shook my head.

Emori joined us again and leaned on the workstation beside Raven. ‘Hey… would you mind if I shadowed you for the rest of your shift? I promise not to get in the way.’ She asked.

‘Wow… the world's first grounder mechanic? And they say we can’t all get along.” He grinned.

This caused both Emori and me to drop our gazes… it wasn’t that long ago Bellamy slaughtered three hundred sleeping warriors because he believed exactly that.

•— Raven —•

I smiled at the eye roll I saw taking place behind John’s shoulder, with an audible mutter. ‘Sure, right now he called it seriously intense observation skills. But back in our days. People called it stalking.’

Even the cough which followed the comment didn’t cover it from my ears. It really didn’t annoy me. Like John has said, maybe I’d made it easy, so it was breakable?

“Really, we shouldn’t have passwords, what if I decide I need to take a spacewalk and never come back? How is everyone here going to get into the systems?” Thinking out loud, but hells. It was a good point…  Of Course… Not the space walk and not coming back… but you know… people die… we knew this better than anyone.

Emori pulled my attention back from my thoughts and i nodded my head at her. “You got there before me… I’ve been meaning to catch up with you and ask if you still wanted to help. And it sounds like you do… so… yeah… please… it will get great to get some company on this ship… talking to myself is starting to get old.”

Did I mistake it or did Emori smile and look at me a little sheepishly? Her agreement came with a vigorousness out of her head. ‘Yeah… I’m still up to it… and I’m free for the rest of the day. If… you know… that’s not too much?’

Reaching out I squeezed her arm. “Rest of the day. We have a lot to do.” Shifting to move myself off the desk as I spoke.

‘Hey, where are you going.’ Bells held up my Ration. ‘At least stay long enough to eat?’

His question made me stop and think, but then Mile’s voice rang in my head. Would this count towards me holding my friends back? It couldn’t, right? If I was willing to show Emori how to learn something new… I’d be helping her to progress?

•— John —•

These people were really something. I just let the comments roll off my shoulders; few opinions mattered to me, and in this room, those were Emori’s and Raven’s. Bellamy’s wasn’t a concern to me… as long as he didn’t want me dead… again, we were cool.

Raven's jokes about her own death didn’t cut as deep as they used to, now that she had fixed herself. But the biggest thing was her promise to never leave me behind again, death by spacewalk… well, that would break her promise. Raven didn’t break those. But still… I couldn’t stop the flinch. “Don’t worry… I’m sure the crew have plenty of ways into the systems.” I still couldn’t bring myself to trust these people… not until I knew what really happened to the prisoners on this ship.

I watched as two of my favourite people bonded, and it was like a safety net being thrown out under me while I walked a tightrope. I knew that Raven would protect Emori like she was one of us. But Emori… the only person she trusted was me… and Luna to an extent. But I knew the more time she spent with Raven, the deeper their bond would be. I had learned the hard way that no one could survive alone in this world, and I was all she had… at least in her mind. And if something happened to me, she would need Raven. She would need someone else she loved, and I knew that was something she could have with her, someone other than me, who would die for her, and who would do the same for her. Raven could be that person, just like she was for me and for all of our people. And Emori could be that same thing for her.

I was grateful to Bellamy for telling Raven to stop and eat… As much as he had teased me about constantly reminding her about these things, he must have started to notice that there was, in fact, a good reason why I paid attention to this.

‘Yes, please.’ Emori smiled, glancing at me first. ‘I really don’t need to hear the lectures from John about skipping rations and all the math he had to do to work out the recipes for these…’ she held up the ration and wrinkled her nose.

‘Things.’

I laughed. “Oh, please, I have seen you mash up bugs in honey to eat them!”

‘Oh, you mean the thing that saved your life when you almost died of fever in the woods?’ She cocked her head, and I laughed again.

I looked sheepish and chuckled again. “I almost forgot about that…” We had gone through a lot in the few weeks we were alone in the wilderness after splitting from Jaha and his chipheads.

‘Honestly…’ Emori took a bite of her ration. ‘Honigraun’krola sounds so good right now.’ She swallowed thickly, and I offered her a swig from my water ration.

“Honey bugs.” I translated for Bellamy when his brows lifted higher than I would have thought possible.

‘And now I miss when John had a proper kitchen, too.’ Bellamy added with a fake gag.

My eyes moved up to Raven… after giving them a good, hard roll at Blake’s comment. “Have lunch with us, Stargazer. Then you drag this one off to do whatever it is you need to.” I winked at her. “I’ll have dinner waiting when you are done.”

•— Raven —•

What the hells…. The words… a thought, as I stood my eyes narrowing as I tried to think back as to when that would have happened.

John and my paths were very different back then. There was no love lost, or even the desire to be amicable. I didn’t let my heart or mind dwell on the fact that once upon a time I’d wished death on him, or how he must have felt the same about me. But right now, hearing that he had come close to death… something we all had… but hearing Emori joke with John about it… something deep in my body disliked the idea.

Okay… maybe honey bugs weren’t on my list of ‘Must try.’ But then again with our time on Earth, we’d all eaten whatever we got to survive.

“Hmm?” Bells, and Emori were looking at me with a concern. What had they seen? So, when I glanced at John, noticing how his baby blue had dulled since being up here. I nod my head once.

“Yeah… sure… I can finish lunch before we set off.”

Nodding my head once. This time leaning on the table beside the others. My hazel gaze moved around the room as some of the guys had left, and those who were due to work were getting on with it.

•— John —•

I could see her mind working and wondering about all the things that happened while I wasn’t at the dropship camp. I wondered what happened to her there, too…  I knew she had her heartbroken and saved every one of them… a lot. That was a time that I didn’t know her, a time when I hadn’t ever hurt her or caused her pain. Yet I couldn’t stop the feeling that this was better, knowing her… everything it cost to get here. It was better… and I think that Raven felt that too.

I smiled… I could tell it was going against her workaholic nature to stop when she was used to eating on the run.

But here she was, trying anyway. I smiled at her as we ate but shuffled awkwardly when some of the people came and went, said hello or goodbye, almost all of them addressed Raven by name, and a few said the same to me. Bellamy laughed at my awkwardness. ‘People tend to learn the names of those who feed them, Murphy.’ He shrugged.

That was when I squeezed myself between Bellamy and Raven to put a buffer between me and them. “I think I need a new job assignment,” I muttered, taking the last bit of my rations and washing it back with water.

‘Where?’ Emori scoffed. ‘You think the infirmary would make people like you less?’

“Maybe…” I teased. I elbowed Raven gently. “I managed to drive this one crazy.”

•— Raven —•

“Hey!” The last bite of my food was about to fall out of my hands until I caught it. “You didn’t dive me crazy… you drove me insane. There is a different.” Winking as I chewed on my small mouthful.

‘Yeah… I don’t get it. How the hells didn’t the two of you kill each our down there?’ Bells laughed.

‘Trust me, they tried.’ Emori scoffed, but it was in a joking manor.

“I take offence to that comment E….” Teasing her right back before my eyes landed on John again. “And he knows it. If I really wanted to kill him… I’d have found a boom stick and written his name on it.” But even as I said it, a small voice disagreed. Luna and John had made a place in my heart. One that wasn’t going to end without a fight.

〄 ꜱᴛᴏʀʏʟɪɴᴇ - 10

Partners in Crime

  ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @LittleBirdRey & @ToldUIdSurvive

       ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3: ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴀʏ ɪꜱ ᴜ

            ╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: 5 ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ  @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

               ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

•— Raven —•

“You know what… I feel like being nice today.”

•— John —•

"What are you plotting?"

•— Raven —•

“Me? Plotting? As if I would?” Smirks.

“Also, why aren’t you offering to help? And you call yourself my friend.”

•— John —•

“Please!! We all know when it comes to plotting, I am the genius! You are the one that needs to make my crazy ideas  possible!”

•— Raven —•

“Excuse Me!!” Poking him in the chest with narrowed eyes. “Correct me if I’m wrong, however I’ve had a big hand in the last two or three plots we worked on!”

•— John —•

“You did… but like I said…. My plots… your genius inventions! I’ll split the credit 50/50.” Holding out my hand to seal the deal.

•— Raven —•

My eyes linger on the outstretched hand. I shook my head. “More effort goes into the execution of a plan. 80/20 sound better from where I stand.”

•— John —•

I tilted my head, like I might be pondering her offer. “60/40?” I countered with a smirk.

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head slowly, biting my lips.  “70/30. If you ask nicely.”

•— John —•

I swallowed… what the… my heart did a thing. And I felt like I would give her anything she wanted at that moment. But that would give me away.

“65/35” I pressed leaning form added a little, turning light blue eyes up to her.

•— Raven —•

“Deal!” Reaching out I took his hand in mine. Shaking it before he changed his mind.

“I would have giving the last offer if you pushed, Watcher! I win!” Winking at him with a shoulder nudge.

•— John —•

“Did you though?” I raised a single brow?  “You accepted my offer… sooooo don’t I win?”

•— Raven —•

Dropping his hand to wave his outlandish claim off. “Yes, yes I did. I’m not a novice, John. I know when a deal is ready for negotiation and when to call it.”

•— John —•

I gasped, loud and dramatic! “You took advantage of me!?! I’m horrified!!” My very poor attempt at not laughing failed miserable.

“So who are we prancing today?”

•— Raven —•

“You’ll get over yourself.” Rolling my eyes at him, with a lick of my lips. I pointed to the door with the window in the middle of it.

“We are not prancing. More like…” tapping my chin as I thought. “Making things fun.”  On the other side of the door say Harper and Luna’s  class of children of all ages. “There is a box of the ice cream to make up for whatever we do.”

•— John —•

I tilted my head looking at her…. “Okay fine…. But after the we can do a real prank right?” I couldn’t play a joke on those kids; they had been through so much…

“Maybe we try make a game of leaning some of the Tek on board. I know a lot of the grounders are struggling with  lights and even doors. Kids pick up these things faster.”

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my hands together. “I knew you would be the perfect partner in crime for this. And yeah. That’s sounds pretty good to me.”

Waving my hand towards the door. “I was thinking about a light show in the observation room. However, learning is the more important thing to do.”

•— John —•

“That would be a good reward… something for them to look forward too if they work hard?” I smiled… going even if they didn't work at all she would still do it. “I know most of the kids are well-recovered, but this place is still very strange to them… showing them it can be pretty, and fun could go a long way to helping when it's time to go to cryo.”

•— Raven —•

Biting on my lips I let my eyes moved away from John. How did this guy always hit the nail on the head? “Uhmm… yeah… yes. Of course.” Shifting off one foot to the other.

“Some part of me feels guilty.” Blurting it out. “You know, they had a life on the ground. They were allowed to be kids. But here… we are going to freeze them in time. I feel like I’m going to steal their childhood or something.” My logic mind knew the truth, however my heart… it had another story to tell.

•— John —•

“Raven… a lot of these kids lived in poverty, or started working the land as soon as they could hold a rake.” I told her. “They would be dead on the ground... And not because of us… Because of the toxic death traps humans built 100 years ago. Here, they are medicine. Their  families… and soon they'll go to sleep, safe and warm.

They won't know hunger, or rationing…. Solar flare hideouts, or water shortages. Then…when they walk up, they will be home. And it will feel like the blink of an eye. They'll all still be the same age; they won't lose a moment of innocence.” I stepped closer to her. “You might feel like they are losing time… but it's not true… it's just because you'll be watching them through the glass.”

I knew she wouldn't go into cryo. She would stay and make sure everyone was safe. “But to them… no time will pass. And I'll be right there. On the other side of the glass with you. The whole time.”

•— Raven —•

“It’s cold…” the words came out without a thought. “The Cryo… it’s cold… not warm.” Swallowing back the floods of emotions which rared its head out of nowhere.

Of course, I knew John told the truth, but guilt came with no rhyme, nor reason. It liked to sit on my chest  free of charge.

And then it hit me. “What did you say?” Frowning a little. “Why aren’t you going in?” Lowering my voice so I didn’t disturb the class of children.

“John why wouldn’t—“ it hit me. Why would he? The realisation did not stop the anxiety of what it would mean if he didn’t go in with the rest.

“John….??”

•— John —•

“Oh…” I mean I knew that but… “They… um… won’t feel the cold, will they?” I knew that too. I mean, they weren’t literally frozen… I didn’t understand the science, but I knew that much.

“I can’t, Raven… I just… I’ll make myself useful. I will but don’t ask me to go  in there if…” I stopped myself from saying -if you’re not.-

“Besides… do you really think I will let you have years on me? You’re already smarter than me. I won’t let wield age over me too.” I laughed.

Would it truly create an age gap between us? It wasn’t something I  prepared to risk... The few days I had lost her were like a living hell. She would live a life for five years while I slept. I wouldn't even know her when I woke up. Wed be strangers again.

•— Raven —•

How was I going to break this down? First glancing around, because I didn’t need an audience.

“We don’t have enough sedation for everyone.” Keeping my voice low. The children will be the first to be given it, so that their experience is as smooth as possible. Then the clans heads are assigned to tell us who is likely to need what is left.” Rubbing my forehead, I shifted to rest my shoulder on the cold metal wall. “This is something they are trying to work out in the council room. Well. One of the things.”

Dropping my gaze to the floor I sighed  “I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to John. I’ve learnt my lesson when it comes to that. However, I need to you understand what you are asking. The fact that everyone but a skeleton crew will be sleeping. Dreaming I hope of a new world where we can make  better choices. Be better people. They will all be waiting for this world… and five years…. It’s an incredible amount of time to be left with your thoughts up here.”

His mental health had to come first. “I’ll still be here when you wake up. And I promise not to hold my wisdom and years over you.” Half smiling, I gave him a nudge.

•— John —•

I shuddered. Not at the idea that there wasn’t enough sedation… grounders were tough they would handle it. As long as the kids were looked after. It was the dreaming… five years locked in my head with my monsters? I’d rather float myself…

I knew she would be there… or I hoped… who would she be by then? Who would stay awake with her? Would they be her family? Would she fall in love?

My heart squeezed. “You’d be a stranger.” I blurted out…. “Five years… you… it’s…” I stopped and took a breath. “There aren’t a lot of people that ever cared about me… or that I cared about. I can’t… I couldn’t… wake up and they won a care about the most was a stranger… how..” I stammered. “And what if….” I stopped. What if she was right and we dreamed for five whole years. Five years in hell, running, dying alone, watching her die again and again. 

“I need to be on that crew, Stargazer.”

•— Raven —•

My feet took me towards the shadows in the corridor. I could have him witness the entire scene on my face while he spoke, and my emotions made themselves knows.

My heart sank at the thought of becoming a stranger to him. But wouldn’t that be true for them all? Everyone who went to sleep?

“What about Emori, of Luna. You know they need you to be there for them too. I’m not worth giving up time for John.” Hearing him use the Nick name he himself gave to me, made something in my stomach twist.

“I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t feel is correct. I just….” Tugging at the ponytail on my head. “I just need you to understand the meaning of staying awake. Of the responsibilities on your shoulders, what if something goes wrong ? What if you and I mess up and fight, and you never want to see me again?” the fact came as I said it. If he came to ask me to put him to sleep. I would do it for him. No questions asked.

•— John —•

I wasn’t sure #Luna would be willing to let herself be put under… #Emori? Maybe. She was a survivor. But she might just choose family after the regrets of choosing the leave the island.

“I don’t know for sure what they will want when the time comes.” I admitted. “But I know what I want. And it not just because if terrified of those tiny little coffin….” I shuddered. Then, I can out and said it. “I want to be where you are… I want to work on all my shit…” I rubbed at the side of my head. “And be the person I thought I was becoming on the  island, before we back down there. I see him more clearly when you’re around.” Then I chuckled.

“But if you think we’ll last 5 years without a fight? You’re delusional. But…” I closed some of the space she made between us. “There’s no world where I never wanna see you. You are a lot of… fun…” I quirked a brow. “… to look at.”

•— Raven —•

My heart in my chest did something, as did my stomach. Because he wanted to be with me. He was picking something no one had done since….. pushing that thought away before I needed to think it to the end. Rolling my eyes, which I was certain he couldn’t see. I slapped him up the side of his head.

“And you were doing so well there, Watcher. Had me thinking you were all feels… but then you’re a teasing little shit.” However, I closed the rest of the space hugging him. Hiding my face from him. “You’re an arse.” Then curious to ask.

“This isn’t because of the island and boat thing. You are going for a long nap isn’t the same thing… and we are over that misstep in our friendship John.”

•— John —•

I laughed; I knew I had broken her tension. I rubbed my head where she slapped me... not because it hurt. She hadn't laid a hand on me to cause me pain since the night she split my lip, and subsequently promised to never hurt me again.

 Then she hugged me, and I was frozen. I hugged her back after two heartbeats. She smelled like she always did, like machine oil and sparks... like home.

"No, it's not about that, it's about this." I squeezed her "It's about family..." Maybe the other would choose this too? I thought to myself. "I think this is how I heal, Stargazer. On the island, there were... less people. People I learned to trust. Maybe whatever crew stay awake... I can learn to trust too. But I need you... to call me on my bullshit and remind me to do better. And I really, really... need to know you're alive."

•— Raven —•

Something tightened in my chest. His letter flashed before my eyes where he asked me to stay alive.

Shaking my head, I pulled back and mustered up the courage to smile. “Okay. So It’s for our small dysfunctional family. This I can get myself behind.”

Still hoping he wouldn’t ever end up regretting making this choice. “And if you are mad at me, the ships big enough for you to never have to see me.” Squeezing his shoulders.

“Okay. So.” Looking around “Brains of the Universe. What are we going to do for a little fun for the kids?”

•— John —•

I smiled, still holding onto her... and wondering how long was too long.

"Yeah, that... and maybe more selfishly for myself. I think this is my chance to... get my head on straight." I put a small amount of distance between us, enough to see her face "#Luna has already agreed that the next time we fight she will lock us in a room until it's fixed or there's only a single survivor."

I let go of her when she reverted to her plan for the kids. "I think the first thing to do is maybe teach them what not to do.... like accidentally opening an airlock."

•— Raven —•

His eyes, those deep-sea blue eyes. They ones I’d seen so much in has lost some of their brightness, however I was determined to bring it back.

“As long as it is my cabin, or work space we will be fine. You know I’m all about the multi-tasking when I’m angry.”

Breaking a hug  wasn’t how I did things. I licked to give the other person the time they needed before pulling away. But the sliding sound of door behind us caught my attention.

‘Hello you two. What do we owe the pleasure too?’ #Harper stood there what a child on her finger and a smirk.

•— John —•

“Hell no!!” I laughed. “Neutral ground… you already have an advantage… I’m not adding all your tools into that as well." The door opened too soon, Raven was doing that thing where she was watching my eyes and that, of course, meant was staring.

Then Harper was there, and my  face burned like a child caught sneaking out during their station's sleep cycle.

I cleared my throat. "Um..." I looked at Raven. "We thought we have the world's greatest and possibly only mechanic... Give the kids a crash course in how this place works."

•— Raven —•

“Hey! I’m not doing it all by myself!” Smacking him up the side of his head before letting go to turn and face #Harper.

Her eyes lingered on John and then me, and back again. “Harper? What do you think?” Clicking my fingers to gain her attention.

‘Oh. Yeah. A field trip should good. We should plan it out first right? Make sure the place is safe for the little ones?’ Pointing to the young one on her finger.

“Between all four of us, and I’m sure we could ask others to help next time too, we should mange it. What do you think Watcher?”

•— John —•

“Really? What do you have against my hair?” I teased dragging my fingers through it. “I mean it’s kids how hard can it be?” #Harper’s eyebrow quirked. I figured that meant very.

‘They are good kids. But they hardly speak any English…’ Harper explained.

“Consider me your  trusty translator.” She gave me another look. “I might not be as good as #Clarke but I can speak Trig.” I told her.

‘Oh I know that… but… how do I know you won't fill their heads with mischief? Because I hardly speak any’

I smirked. “I’ll make that easy too. I absolutely  will fill their heads with mischief.”

I walked into the room, recognizing many of the kids. “Yungon Kru!” (young one clan) I called to them. “Gada raun hir.” (gather around) I held out my arms like a Shepherd herding his flock and they gathered. Sitting in the floor around  me. They were fascinated by a Skaikru speaking their language. “Finally.” I sighed, smiling at the two women. “The respect I deserve.”

Harper muttered something, grinning.

•— Raven —•

‘Of course, he is at home with the children.’ #Harper muttered to me as the two of us stood beside one another watching John take centre stage for his first performance on the ship.

“Don’t knock the free help here, he is giving you a break from the madness.” She was smiling and shrugged her shoulders.

‘You know Rey, I’ve trained to be a perfect marksperson. They put a gun in my hand, and I took to it. But this.’ Lifting her chin towards the kids. ‘This gives me peace… you know?’ And I did. I understood what she must feel. “Maybe this is why I keep looking for ways to help these children? To make up for some of the bad I’ve done on their world.”

We both were smiling now. Watching from the sideline, Harper proud of the kids, and me proud of the Watcher.

•— John —•

I spotted #Dela in the group and grinned, looking over to see if Raven had seen her yet. She was looking good. Her eyes were still dark and her skin a little pale, but she seemed to have as much energy as all the other kids.

Rey was talking quietly with Harper.

I explained in Trig to the children that we were going to take a little walk around the ship and stopped…#Dela was Trishanakru… they had led the anti-tek attacks in Polis.

I walked back to the two women. “#McIntyre… do you know how many of these kids are Trishanakru?”

I couldn't  help but worry. Dela’s father had been kind to me when I helped his daughter. Would we start a conflict with them teaching this to the children?

•— Raven —•

#Harper and I both turned to face John at the same time. 

‘Trishanakru.. Uhm… yeah, we have six in the room right now. The others aren’t really allowed to come yet. Luna is working on it.’

She turned her attention to the room point them out as she spoke. ‘We have Dela….’ I could hear another word. My eyes found the little girl who I had carried onto this ship. Her smile found me, and she came running over. Opening my arms for her I held on to her for dear life. She was my saving, Grace. The one thing I had gotten right in so long. She was still a little pale, weak, however full of life.

Emotions filled my with a lump in my throat, tightening in my chest. But I knew. They were of the good kind.

When I asked her how she was, the girl began to tear up.

‘I…I.. kiss you?’ I stood stunned. ‘Miss…’ #Harper corrected. ‘I missed you.’ She smiled at #Dela. The girl nodded her head, saying again slowly to ensure it was correct.

I beamed with pride. “Yu dig mou snap.” (You learnt fast). Combing her hair off her face. “I missed you too.” Smiling I remembered Johns question. “Why are you asking about Dela’s kru?”

•— John —•

I counted the number of kids in the room… six from TrishanaKru… that was likely a majority… but that made no sense. With clothes being shared, especially for the children (the prison uniforms weren’t an option) and with every tribe came in all colours and shapes (even if a  few did have a clear majority of skin colour.) The girls all were too young to need to cover their hair if they were Sangedakru and they were all too young to have any tribal markings or identifying tattoos.

“Six…” I muttered. “That makes no sense.”

I chuckled at #Dela’s mixed-up words… but she was learning. “You have a fan, Stargazer.” I said to Raven quietly.

Then I stepped closer to the girls, sticking to English now. “#Illian was Trishanakru and he led all of the Tek raids in Polis after the City of Light fell… they are or at least, were… anti-tek… but up here… #Dela’s father is the elder… an if he has encouraged parents to send the kids here…. Maybe…” I trailed off… trying to figure this out. “We don’t want to cross any lines and hurt the chance of the Clan working with us.”

I got down to #Dela’s level. “Chit don yu Nontu tell yu op hasta komb’ir raun hir?” (What did your father tell you about coming here.)

#Dela looked a little nervous. “En’s ku, Dela. Osir jos gaf gon tich yo hasta…” (it’s okay, Dela. We just want to) Shit! There was no Trigedasleng word  for spaceship…. I looked up at the others… Raven learned her Trig from me and #Luna. I wished the Zen Master was here.

‘Skaidon?’ #Dela provided. ‘Luna Kom Flokru tag on….’ She motioned all around us with large movements. ‘Skaidon-de’ (Skyboat? Luna of the Boat People  calls this the sky boat.)

I told her; Yes, we want to teach the children about the sky boat. And she explained to me that her father told her to learn everything Skaikru taught them because they knew more about our new home.

Then I came back to the two women again. “Dela said Delano told them all to learn anything we can teach them. I think he’s more open-minded than the previous leadership. I think we should do it.”

•— Raven —•

“I’m a bloody rockstar. You are the only one who doesn’t drop at my feet, Watcher.” #Harper coughed to hide her laughter at the two of us.

My own attention moved to the small girl and how she looked while speaking with John. I could pick up the gist of the conversation, however felt a little lost too.

“Delano? Why would he stop us?”

#Delano, #Dela’s had been a kind man. Someone is spoken to a few times now. He was thrust into a position of leadership for his people who had followed him and his wife onto the carrier that day of evacuation. #Dela’s mother had pleaded for help, her daughter lay dying in their - arms. Just the reminder of the day made my stomach churn.

#Dela slipped her small hand into mine and I didn’t hesitate to close my fingers around it. If she needed my touch right now. I would give it. “Delano is a kind man, and he’s seen what we can do to help his people.” Smiling down at the girl. “He came to the med bay and stayed by his daughters side. He was watching, learning, and listening. I can’t see anything wrong with the child’s learning about where they are living now.”

The way #Harper glanced around the room and then to John told me I was romanticising my outlook at little?

‘I don’t know guys, John’s making a good point. What if we take it in small groups? Leave the TrishanaKru children until Luna is back?’

“Also, not a bad thing I guess.” My attention was back on John again. “Why did you say this didn’t make any sense? Before. When Harper told you there are six kids here?”

•— John —•

“I know… But under #Delano’s leadership, the Clan are opening up a little more.” I said to her. I couldn’t help but be stunned that #Harper was taking me seriously. That wasn’t anything against #Harper, she and I never had any real issues. In lock-up, I may have made a few  inappropriate comments to her… playing up to the crowd, but she never seemed to hold it against me. It was simply the fact that anyone was taking me seriously… #Emori had been the first and then Raven and #Luna… I thought that #DrGriffin had started to as well… but I had  just been the most convenient person for the job she needed done.

“I feed all of these people… I know exactly how many children are on this ship… there are thirteen clans. Trishanakru has nine minors… three are teenagers. So essentially all their kids are here. Maths  isn’t my strong suit but based on the number of kids in the room… it’s a huge majority. It’s like the clan has made a complete U-turn in their opinions of Skaikru.”

•— Raven —•

#Harper’s eyes were on me; I could feel them so when I met them it wasn’t a surprise to see the shock. All I could do was shrug my shoulders to say, ‘Yeah, it’s him… John Murphy… stepping up and taking notice.’

We turned our attention back to him, well… #Harper did, mine  moved to the room and the children.

“But are they really?” Lifting my chin to the room. “There isn’t much tech in here. It’s not even a real class room.” I’d been here a few times now, helping #Luna and #Harper when I could. Being around the hustle and bustle of the youngsters gave me a sense of purpose and peace.

“Luna tells then stories, she’s kinda good at it, and Harper here plays with them. Teaching them some of our language and learning theirs.” I could feel her nodding. ‘Luna and I gather things from around the ship we feel could be of help to them. So, they aren’t completely lost. However, we don’t force them to go against their clans in any way. It’s kinda one of the main reasons some of the children aren’t allowed to come. Luna says we need to build trust, not betray it.’ #Dela let go of my hand and run off to play with some of her friends, making my heart dance. “But I see where John is coming from. Six out nine children… that’s a high percentage.”

#Harper shifts towards John. ‘What am I missing. I still don’t understand why it’s worrying. Isn’t that a good thing?’

•— John —•

I looked around the room again. Okay, so they have a point… there's not a lot of technology in here. Would a prison ship have a classroom? Should I ask or was that a stupid question? No… it was definitely a stupid question.

I smiled at the mention of #Luna’s storytelling. “I mean… not much else to do on an oil rig in the middle of the ocean.” I chuckled fondly.

“You’re right… it is a good thing… I think.” I dragged my hand through my hair. Now my mind was racing with so many other thoughts now. My distrustful nature was sneaking back in. #Delano is a good man… isn’t he? I had thought the same about #Bellamy once and he hung me…

“No… Yeah… It’s a good thing. Hopefully, the rest of the clans will follow suit.” I said. “Okay… come on. Let’s do this thing. See what happens.”

•— Raven —•

#Harper and I exchanged looks once again. I knew him was clearly holding something back. And I could see from the look #Harper gave she thought the same. The question was should I push him to just say what he was thinking, or do I wait for him to feel comfortable enough to say  it by himself?

This friendship had just come back to some form of stability, and I was ashamed to admit to myself I didn’t want to rock the boat.

Telling myself John would tell me if he felt it was important. But then a part of me wanted him to just say whatever  was on his mind. Not to hold back. And I knew it would take time.

‘What are we doing? This was your brain wave.’ #Harper questions.

“We were thinking it would be a good idea to show the children the rest of the ship. Where they can go, where not to go because of danger.

You know safety measures.” I told her, still stealing gazes at John.

•— John —•

I saw the way Raven glanced at #Harper… Could she see the anxiety underlying my thoughts? I could tell her later without Harper and several sets of ears listening in. Damn… Was I so paranoid that I thought one or more of these children were faking not speaking  Gonasleng? Fuck!

No… #Delano is a good guy.

Right?

“Why don’t we take a walk and then anything you guys think is relevant we can stop and explain?” I looked between the two women… kids and lessons weren’t exactly my strong suit… but at least for this lone afternoon I was useful, I could translate.

It might only be for a few hours but feeling useful again… felt good.

•— Raven —•

“Let’s do this.” Rubbing my hands together with a smile.

“Right, who’s up for an adventure?” I asked in trig, and got it so wrong that;

1) the kids looked at me confused.

2) they whispered to one another. And 3) they slowly burst out in laughter. However, it didn’t cause me embarrassment nor that  uncomfortable feeling. I just laughter with them too.

“Opps…” loud whispering to John. “What in hells did I just say to them?”

#Harper began gathering the youngest of the children, guiding them toward the door however not opening it just yet. Finding myself watching her I couldn’t help but wonder how life would have been for her if choices were allowed and circumstance hadn’t changed her path.

“You’re so good with them Harper. And they really like you. I can tell.”

•— John —•

I chuckled a little at the mispronunciation. “You just ask if they wanted to get cooked.” I pinched my brows and tried to control my expression from teasing her. “Wom op… is to cook. And wona of is adventure or…” I tilted my head because as far as I knew there  wasn’t actually a Trig word for adventure. “Exploring. But you were close… on pronunciation at least.” I reached out and touched her arm, without thinking… like it was the most normal thing in the world to do.

It should have been hard to reconcile the expert marksman that  was #HarperMcIntyre with the Harper McIntyre in front of me now. Making children who could barely understand her smile, laugh, and follow instructions… But it wasn’t, it seemed like the perfect fit for her. I repeated what Raven had tried to say, in Trig, and the kids all looked up at us excitedly. I leaned into Raven and whispered because I didn’t want to steal #Harper’s thunder.

“Hey, looks like I’m pretty good at this too.” I smirked.

•— Raven —•

“I know you are, who knows… maybe you’ve found another calling without expecting too?” The way these kids reacted to both these people had to be astounding. #Harper and John? Children whispers? Who would have thought, not me that’s who!

#Harper asked me to stand at the door, for John to stand in the middle about foot feet away from me, and she took the back with the last two kids.

Telling them to stay in the line, to hold the hands of their, ‘Buddy’ and to look after on another.

“Damn Harper, is it wrong that I’m a little turned on by the school teacher thing happening here?” Waggling my eyebrows, I shook my shoulders trying to tease her. And it worked, her cheeks and ears turned a Beet red making me laugh so hard.

“Okay Crew, you are the young officers of this ship, and it is your responsibility  to know and understand how to keep safe and look after those who cannot help themselves. So, let’s go and see what we can find!”

Opening the door, I turned to smile at John. “Hey Watcher, do you want to take the lead in exposing and explaining it all? My trig is No-way as good as yours.”

•— John —•

I laughed so hard I snorted. “Nope!” I shook my head vehemently. “Rare occasions like this are fine… but when it comes to kids; I’m a small doses kinda guy.” I shuddered remembering the few days I was forced to spend in the care centre after my mother died.

“Damn, Reyes… who  knew you were into blondes.” I chuckled.

I translated everything Raven said as best I could… taking up the position that #Harper asked me to as we filed out the door. I looked at Raven when she asked me to take the lead. “Um…” I looked at the kids and then around the ship… I had no idea how any of this stuff worked beyond the most basic function.

“I wouldn’t even know what was worth pointing out or not… How about you point, I translate… and if I think there’s anything else worth telling them about you can help tell me how it works?” I  raised a brow. “You know… teamwork and all?”

•— Raven —•

Rolling my eyes, “if only you knew all my kinks Watcher.” A mischievous grin on my face.

‘Rey! Children! John Do Not Translate that for them.’ #Harper shook her head and still smiled with a blush creeping up her cheeks.

“Okay… okay… we can do this. Team work.” Team works my arse… I knew where my strengths lay, and giving kid a tour wasn’t up in that list.

I was the nerd, the overachiever who thrived on knowing the consequences of all the action I planned to take. But this one? Well, it’s becoming clear I didn’t think it through at all.

Taking my jacket off, I wrapped it around my waist. Pulled and tugging at my braid trying to cool off my neck.

“Okay. Let’s head starboard, we can go to see the main deck. The main deck is where we pilot this ship from. Even if we are standing still right now. However, you can see the views of the stars from there.”

Walking ahead I felt a small hand lacing its way into mine. #Dela smiled up at me and I squeezed her to reassure both of us.

•— John —•

I help my hands out to #Harper in an 𝕆𝕙 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 gesture. “Oh, c’mon! Even I’m not that stupid.” I rolled my eyes and smirked. “Like I would air her kinks so openly when I could save them for use as blackmail later.” I laughed. #Harper gave me a look like she would wallop  me if she was close enough… even with the prying eyes of all the kids here.

Raven said starboard… I wasn’t unfamiliar with the word. I knew it meant a side of the ship… port and starboard, left and right… but which one was which? Was there a Trig word for starboard? My mind boggled while I tried to figure out if it was left or right. A cough came from behind me as we all followed Raven like little ducks in a row. I heard a cough from behind me that sounded like the word “Right.” I flashed #Harper an appreciative smile over my  shoulder.

“Rasad.”(Right) I said out loud… but then stopped and translated the whole sentence Rey had said. I shrugged at her. “I don’t know ship words.” I chuckled but I made a note to ask #Luna later. #Emori might know either; she knew her way around a vessel… but not  like The Zen Master did.

•— Raven —•

“Personal note, punch him in the arm. Just for the fun of it and payback.” Of course, I wouldn’t. The promise I made him and myself never to hit him again wouldn’t allow me, (not even as a joke.)

Listening to John translate, I felt a little impressed at him and myself. Who knew we could be a good team when it came to talking to the young ones.

“Crap, sorry. I didn’t mean to make you use your two brain cells. I’ll keep it simple from here.” Pointing to the corridor, coming up to our right. “We will be going right here. However, if you look ahead.” Pointing to the closed doors. “This is where the security room on this floor is situated. If you ever feel unsafe, or need help, or are lost, there will always be someone in there who will be willing to assist you.” As I say the words, the doors slide open to reveal #Nate and #Jasper coming out.

‘Hey… what’s going on here?’ #Jasper asked in a singsong voice. ‘Is there a party we didn’t get an invite to?’ Winking at the kids. The youngest of the group holding #Harper’s hand hid behind her. All we could see were green eyes from behind Harper’s leg.

‘There you go scaring that little ones, Jordan.’ #Nate rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t worry, he scares me too.’ He bent down and smiled at the kids.

•— John —•

I rolled my eyes at her. “Hey, you’re the one in need of my mad skills! Sorry if my brain cells are full because I learned an entire language in the span of a few months.” I rubbed it in.

“Dison hir bilaik faswogeda-de.” (This is the security room.) I translated for her… then  continued with everything else she said.

I moved to the back of the line while one of the boys at the front traced the Ark logo on #Nathan’s shoulder. I asked the little girl hiding behind #Harper.

‘Gona.’ (Soldier) She whispered, pointing at the guys.

“Nou.” (No) I told  her, offering her my hand. “Emo… Bloka. Chilkepa. Emo kep oso klir.” (They are Guards. Peacekeepers. They keep all of us safe.)

The girl finally took my hand and came with me to the front of the line. “Naithon… Jaspa…”

‘Bloka?’ She looked at me and I nodded. Then she  touched Nathan’s shoulder too. ‘Kep oso klir.’

‘What did you tell her?’ #Nate asked.

“She thought you were a soldier… Gona… I told her you were a Guard or a Peacekeeper.” I wasn’t really sure that he would like that, but we need these kids to know that we weren’t their enemy, or their jailers.

#Jasper grinned. ‘Clever.’

“Not just a pretty face.” I grinned at him. Then I turned to all the kids and asked them in trig to repeat the words after me in English. Guard and Security Room.

•— Raven —•

Both #Harper and I found ourselves witnessing a gentle side to the boys. We hadn’t had the opportunity or the chance to need it before. However, when push came to shove here, they were.

#Jasper moved into the fray of things, showing the kids how to juggle pens! “Jas, you will have one of their eyes out with those things flying in the air!”

‘Nope, it’s all in the skill of my fingers.’ He wiggled them in the face of a child making then laugh. Causing me to roll my eyes and laugh all at once. “If you harm one of them, you’ll have to answer to Luna.” This made him stop.

‘Party pooper, Rey.’

‘Okay, okay.’ Clapping her hands to gain the attention of everyone. #Harper pointed to the corridor on the right. ‘We should keep moving, less questions that way.’ “Good point, well made.”

Thanking #Nate and #Jasper, because of them all the children seemed more relaxed.

•— John —•

I was preoccupied with the kids and #Jasper’s show. But I still noticed the attention the girls paid to us and not just the kids. She gave me that nickname for a reason after all. But Rey was smiling, I never knew she liked kids so much… then again, maybe she didn’t either.

Children were rare on the Ark, most of us were only around kids when we actually were kids.

The kids seemed to understand the request to move on easily. “They really are picking up on English fast.” I said the Harper and Raven as they led the way. I chuckled thinking of the Skaikru members that refused to make any effort to learn Trigedasleng. A superiority complex was the real enemy of survival.

“Where next captain?” I asked Raven at the head of the line of chattering children. It was strange that she was so relaxed working with a large of children around a century-old spaceship.

•— Raven —•

“Captain? Are you trying to promote me without a hint of negotiation, John Murphy?” Pointing ahead. “Let’s go this way.”

This wasn’t on my list of things to do today, but it wasn’t selfless. These children needed out, to feel some freedom, they weren’t made to be locked away unlike us. We knew what it meant to be confined. We did it without a question (well mostly. Maybe. Okay fine. We were bad at it too. However, not the point I was making to myself!)

Great! Now I was fighting with myself internally!

‘Are you okay Ray?’ #Harper called from the back. When I turned to see all those eyes on me.

“All good here. I’m still thinking we head to the main deck; the bridge is where we flight this ship from, the windows—” cutting off mid thought.

“Shit!” Shaking my head. “Don’t translate that, John!” Keeping my  voice even. “I didn’t think this through.” Shit… shit… shit….

 “Air locks… let’s go to the lower decks, show the children the works of this place, I’ve been working on the transport ship.” How could I be so single minded! Foolish!

•— John —•

I laughed. “The last thing you need is an ego boost like that. And I think our fine Lieutenant…” The word was filled with sarcasm. “Would be very put out by that.”

I stopped when Rey mentioned the main deck… Wouldn’t we need permission for that? I knew Raven could come and  go as she pleased, but surely it was off-limits. It was probably a great thing to show the kids though, but maybe we could see if it was something we could do another day.

Raven was kind of freaking out… my brow pinched as I watched her. But I didn’t want to ask her what was wrong in front of #Harper and the kids. “Okay… I won’t…” I assured her.

“Airlocks it is…” I kept my eyes on her. There was always a constant sense of unease when I didn’t know if she was okay or not. I told the kids to follow her and looked for an opportunity to ask her what was going on inside that head of hers.

•— Raven —•

Now my mind flew through this plan we came up with. I came up with. Was it really a good idea? Should we be walking these around a ship that wasn’t even ours?

Then again, seeing the change in the children after seeing Nate and Jasper it was worth it. So, this was right. I needed to stop second guessing myself.

“Okay… I know it’s not much to look at but trust me when I say that this ship is full of exciting surprises that are beautiful. Pressing a code into the security doors for them to open. “These doors are in place to keep each part of the ship safe in case of an emergency.” Tapping the heavy doors as I walked by.

‘Rey, we need to work on your idea of what is an exciting surprise for a child.’ #Harper called out from the back.

“What do you mean? This is good stuff I’m showing.” Okay, maybe I needed to work on how to make others as excited about these things?

Feeling a tug on my hand my hazel eyes dropped to the small boy. Leaning down when he motioned, he whispered in my ear in trig. I’d picked up enough to know he needed a bathroom.

“We are going to make a small detour.” There was a small officer den ahead of us.

Once at the door, I pushed in the Mater code waiting as the doors slid apart. “Bathroom break, if anyone wants to go, come on in.” Walking the boy in, he stopped outside the door of the bathroom hopping from foot to foot, however he wouldn’t go in.

“It’s okay. It is safe in there.” I told him. Opening the door to show him.

•— John —•

The kids were distracted, looking around at the ship. I heard one of them ask why there weren’t any trees or grass. I was about to translate the question for Raven when #Harper spoke. “I mean… Sure they need to have fun.” I interjected. “But the kids  need to learn that they should steer clear of the airlocks too.”

#Harper seemed to pause for a moment. “It was different for us… we grew up around this stuff. These kids have no clue that stepping out into space can --- “ I made the universal Kill you motion.

‘You have a point.’ She admitted.

“Let’s let Raven do the nerd stuff and you and I figure out how to make it fun.” I said to her, and she nodded.

We detoured to the bathroom, and I was not about to take a bunch of little kids to do their business. “I’ll wait out here with the others.” I offered quickly before they could ask me to take the kids in there.

•— Raven —•

‘Oh, so you’ll help just not with the hard stuff, huh?’ I could hear #Harper teasing John before she came inside to join me as the children with me too turned to visit the restroom.

‘It’s so nice to see them happily using the bathrooms now. It’s took Luna a lot of exampling  for them to stop thinking they would be endangered if they say on them.’

She elbowed my side to gain my attention. ‘Hey, are you okay?’ Lifting her chin to the door. ‘Out there before, you seem to have been…’ she didn’t need to say it, I knew what she meant.

“Yeah, not my finest hour.” Shaking my head stepping back to lean on the walk to take some of the pressure off myself. “I was thinking of taking them to see the views and experience the flight deck.”

‘Yeah, I know. I wasn’t there when we made the plan.’ She looked confused.

“Harper… the flight deck... it had a front row seat of their home… earth… which is being consumed and ravished by Praimfaya right now. I don’t want them seeing that… witnessing the end of the only home they know. That’s…” I shook my head.

‘Oh… shit…’ she whispered. And I nodded my head.

“I’m an idiot… what the hells was I thinking!”

•— John —•

I winked at #Harper. “You may be a sharp shooter #Harper but you aren’t quick enough on the draw!” I teased.

The girls disappeared into the bathroom with a few of the kids and in the meantime… I was left alone in the hallway with most of them. The kids asked me questions about Raven. I explained her job to them in Trig as best as I could until one of the children asked me where Skaikru’s children were.

I squatted down to their level and explained to them our clan only had one small child… the rest were older. They had a whole lot of  questions about it. But I didn’t think that explaining to them that, most of them died in the sections on the ark that burned up when it crashed to earth or in the sections that didn’t land right. So I told them that living in space means you have limited space and food; so people were only allowed to have one child.

Then I asked them who had brothers or sisters. Some of them raised their hands and I knew by the looks on their faces that their sibling probably hadn’t been in Polis when they evacuated. It was unlikely that many of the siblings made it on board unless they were soldiers. Or one of the babies.

Then I explained to them that no one in Skaikru had brothers or sisters… other than the new Heda Okteivia… while I knocked on the door for the girls to hurry up.

•— Raven —•

#Harper and I stood in silence as we listened to John, a lot of what he said had been missed. However, the parts I could understand made it clear what the children were asking.

I told #Harper in a low voice what the topic of discussion was with a solemn look on my features, which she mirrored.

‘They haven’t asked me about this, unless Luna explained it, maybe?’

I shrugged my shoulders, “John speaks their language, they are relaxed now and maybe feel a connection?”

She scoffed. ‘We all know, John is a big kid.’ And I knew she said it to  Lighten the heaviness in the room, however I shook my head.

“You know, Harper… in Becca’s time… you and I would have been classed as young ones too.”

With the last of the children washing their hands as #Harper has taught them; we heard the knock on the door from John. Opening it I smile. “You know better than to rush someone who needs to go, Watcher.”

Letting everyone out, and back into their line we began to walk towards the elevators. “Could you let them all know we are going to in this, and that it’s safe. I’ve tested them all now, so if they want to use them. They can around the ship?” I asked John.

•— John —•

I couldn’t hear much with the kids still asking questions and speaking to each other. I grinned up at her when she opened the door. “The questions were about to get really awkward out here.” I chuckled. “I needed the backup.”

I followed her to the elevator, and I started to  explain it to them in Trig. “Disha hir Tagon Vieda.” (this is called an Elevator) Then I repeated the word in English, asking them all to say it. In trig again I told them, “This takes you up or down to all the different levels of the ship. One of the kids shouted out about  the lift in the Commander's tower that was raised and lowered by a pulley system and two men.

“He wants to know if it's like the one in the Tower in Polis… it's kind of famous.” I told the two women with me... Mostly #Harper. Raven’s trig was getting better by the day. I  told kids it was like that one, but this one was powered by machines, and it was very safe. I explained the button. “Gyon op.” For the up arrow and “Gyon daun.” For the down arrow. Then I exhaled.

“We might need to teach them how to recognise numbers, so they know if they need  go up or down.” I said but I was mostly talking to myself.

‘Can you teach me to count in Trig? And then I can teach them?’ #Harper asked me like it was a perfectly normal thing to ask. I looked at her a little shocked that she would ever think I could teach anyone anything. She cleared her throat a little awkwardly. ‘I mean… you and #Luna could teach them… but you both have other duties, so I just thought…’ She brushed her hair behind her ear, only there was nothing to brush back because her hair was braided tightly around her head. ‘Never  mind… Silly idea.’

Then I realised my expression was probably hard to read. “No… It’s not. In fact, it’s a good idea. I can definitely teach you and I’m sure Luna will help too when she can. It makes sense… you’re with these kids more than anyone. We should teach you the language.” I said, shifting my expression to a genuine one. #Clarke and #Kane had the best command of the language out of all of Skiakru but they were too busy to teach anyone anything. So, I didn’t see why #Luna and I couldn’t help. I was sure Emori would help too; she taught me most of what I knew.

•— Raven —•

New words for my trig vocabulary, my ears perked up while I pushed the code to keep the doors open for the elevator. The younger children at first felt a little dubious about the square box, while the older ones were excited, stepping on and off.

I could make out enough to know they spoke about the lift in the tower. I hadn’t seen it, because #Clark hadn’t let me on the missions taking place in those walls, I knew I’d slow them all down, so I didn’t push to go. I had other messes to clean up anyway.

When John confirmed my trail of thoughts I half smiled. “Okay. Come on young ones, it’s time to take a ride.”

It’s when I saw the exchange taking place between the other two ‘adults’ at the back. But I didn’t prying into their business. A few of the children joined me inside, some small one clanging onto #Harpers hands, and leg.

“Well, it’s going to be interesting to see how you move.” I told her.

‘John! It’s clear Rey isn’t going to help; please could you carry this little one and I’ll take the other.’ She handed the kid in her arms over to him. ‘Just go slow for them. This is all new for them all.’

“Why would I help?” Lifting my chin to all the children in the elevator with me. “Come on, we can’t go without you.”

•— John —•

A couple of the kids were still dubious of the lift; a few were clinging to #Harper for protection. I chuckled, Harper managed to waddle, shuffle, and drag her way into the lift with all bars two of the kids. I crouched to their level and asked them in trig if it was okay if I carried them into the Elevator. The boy pushed out his bottom lip and said he was afraid to go into the wall. The boy was clever… it looked like a wall before the doors opened. Especially if you had never seen one before.

“En’s nou wo… en’s…” I couldn’t call it a room  really. “Vieda…” (It's not a wall, it’s… an elevator.) I explained.

I looked at Raven. “Close the door for a second, don’t go anywhere… just show them it opens again.” I had the kids watch as the door opened again. Their expressions relaxed a little more when the children  reappeared. “Kom op?” (Coming up?)  I asked the kids again and they let me pick them up and carry them into the lift. One on each hip… The taller child made my gait a little lopsided. #Harper was grinning at me.

“What?” I asked with pinched brows.

‘You’re kind of a sweetheart, John Murphy.’ She smirked.

“What? Ho—Wh—Where did you get that idea?” My face heated. Sweetheart? Ew… Me? Never!

‘You could have just picked them up whether they liked it or not, but you asked. That was sweet!” She smirked.

•— Raven —•

#Harper saw in John what #Luna and I knew for a while now. His attitude towards those who need his help had always been well hidden in plain sight.

He has been the same with me, to the point that I had punched him in his face, and in response he’d asked if I’d felt better. “He wouldn’t do that.” I answered for John. “He believes in giving the choice, and then follow even if he disagrees with the outcome.” Somewhat true, even if there were times when he hadn’t given me the option. But then again, my mind had been melting before his eyes.

So, he could be forgiven.

My attention moved towards #Dela as the elevator began, its descent. She whispered to those who were beside her to trust the three of us in trig. She then curled her small hand into mine smiling up at me. This did something to me. My heart fluttered with a warming feeling; one I hadn’t felt for a long while.

The bell like sound indicated we had arrived on the correct floor, frightening some of the passengers in the small box. “It’s okay… it’s an important sound. This sound tells us we have arrived on our chosen floor.” Pointing to the light above the door as they slide open right then.

•— John —•

I smiled at Raven... She was wrong. She was right too… In this case, getting these kids into an elevator wasn’t life and death. I looked at Raven in the distorted reflection of the lift doors. I had done it to her though… violated her trust and her personal space, drugged  her… restrained her… all because I was trying to keep her alive, but I did it nonetheless. And somewhere deep inside I knew I would do it again, if I had to, if it would save her.

I wasn’t sure what that said about me.

The kid on my left… the smaller boy; flinched at  the ping the lift made when the lift stopped and clung to me while I was distracted by watching Dela and Rey… the pair had clearly developed a bond, and I wondered if the child understood it was Raven’s actions that had made sure she’d gotten on this ship before the Death Wave took Polis. She had been so sick… and I had been trapped in the quarantined area because I was too sick from exposure too.

Tiny arms locked around my neck, and I got a face full of dark curls. “It’s okay kid…” On instinct, I spoke English. But this child was probably  no more than three or four years old and normally only warriors learned English. He’d probably only heard the language here on the ship. I remembered how afraid I had been in the prison camp the first time I heard Trig… having no idea what they were saying unless they were interrogating me. So I comforted him in Trig but I had no free hands to offer any other kind of comfort.

The other child reached across and patted his back, telling him to be brave. The other boy's skin was deep, rich brown compared to the younger boy’s light freckled complexion… they likely weren’t even from the same village and here they were.. offering each other comfort.

When we stepped out of the lift, I stooped to let the boys down. The younger one tightened his grip around my neck. “Okay… Looks like you’re staying put.” The older  boy climbed down but stayed close.

‘Wow…’ Monty laughed, appearing from wherever he had been working. ‘That’s a new look on you John Murphy.’

“Hey… I have many talents…” I glanced at the kids. “Apparently.” Then I immediately turned to search for Rey and Dela.

•— Raven —•

‘There’s nothing wrong with having hidden talents when it comes to these little monsters.’ He growled laughing.

Because as soon as the doors opened, and the children saw #Monty they rushed out towards him. He had come down to his knees catching them, wrestling with a few of  the boys while the girls stayed waiting for John to disembark with the youngest one and then #Harper too.

‘Hi… They’ve missed your visited to the classroom.’ #Harper told him.

‘Hey.’ He smiled up at her. ‘Things have been crazy with the farm. I was on my way up now, but looks like you all have other plans?’

#Harper filled #Monty into why we were all coming down here, and the plan to show the children around the ship to help them adjust.

‘That’s a great idea, can I tag along? Another helping hand?’ He asked us all.

I smiled nodding my head down the corridor still stood in the elevator due to the commotion in the corridor before it. “Hells, yeah. More the merrier. And you can help with the nerdy stuff. I’m not exactly making this a fun trip.”  Laughing my eyes met Johns, frowning a little my brows lifted in a silent question. Asking if he was, okay?

•— John —•

I moved closer to Raven as the kids swarmed to #Monty and #Harper filled him in on the day's plans with the little ones. She’d seen that moment of darkness in the lift. Of course, she had. This was Raven… somewhere along the line, she’d learned to tune into my carefully guarded tells. I swayed to one side, brushing my shoulder against hers, giving her a small smile that said; I’m Fine, or… maybe, Later … Both? I couldn’t be sure myself. But if she wanted to know where I’d gone for that moment, I would tell her… later. Just her. The brush of my arm against hers was easier… not plagued with that feeling of invading her space, no dark whispers telling me I had no right to be that close to her. It was simple, natural… like it had been at home… in the mansion. After our breakthrough when I was a  friend not her unwanted nurse and before… before I destroyed us. But this was Raven Reyes; she’d never met a broken thing she couldn’t fix… and she had taken my hand. Taken it and held it while we slept.

So later… I could tell her. I was guilty of the things she said I  wouldn’t do… I was sorry I had done them to her, But I would do it again in a heartbeat… to save her.

“Where to next captain?” I stifled a grunt as the kid on my hips started swinging his legs to get let down to join his excited friends and narrowly missed kicking me in a  place I wanted very much not kicked! I set him down and he ran into the melee of tiny people.

•— Raven —•

My elbow nudged John right back, softly in reply, saying without speaking. ‘Okay… Later it is.’ Because I was done… I wasn’t going to let him walk alone. We were all going to be there to support one another from now on.

I heard the question and pointed up the  corridor with a smile. “To the room of Magic of course, the only place where anything can be fixed.”

Both #Harper and #Monty nodded their agreement, and #Dela tugged on my hand telling me to hurry. She wanted to be in the middle of all the mayhem.

Leaning down I smiled. “Go on ahead. I’ll be right behind you.” When I stood upright again, I saw her looking longingly towards the other children and then me. “Go on. Lead the way.”

When I glanced to my side, the shock of witnessing John’s near fatal accident made me wince. “Ouch… his foot was  way too close… Rather you than me.”

Tugging on my ponytail, setting off behind the others.

•— John —•

I smiled at her; she got it… she knew there were only a small circle of people I shared things with. I wasn’t one to spill my thoughts in front of anyone. But I could tell her. I watched the way she looked at #Dela… encouraging her to go and mingle with the other kids. I  wondered if it was hard for her. She had been in the med bay the longest of all the children. So, I wondered if had been hard for her to join this group after they’d begun making friends. It was something I had noticed in my short stay at the care centre… kids that age met someone and that same day they were best friends.

I chuckled at her… “Please you have laughed your arse off. The kid will understand that pain in about eight years.” I watched the kids again. “Do you think #Dela is adjusting to all of this?” I asked her as we walked towards  the place where the magic supposedly happened. “She looks… healthy… maybe a little skinny but that can be fixed over time…” And who knew how skinny she was before she came on board? “But she looks… happy? As happy as you could expect at least, right?”

•— Raven —•

“Hells yeah, I’m not even going to attempt to lie. I would have been rolling on the ground with tears coming out of my eyes…. Only after I asked if you were okay, of course.” Nudging him with my elbow with a cheeky smirk.

My gaze followed his to that beautiful little girl, who has been to hell and back. I saw past her healing scars. Some which she would have for the rest of her life, and some which would wither away with time.

Bearing witness to Singh before us with #Dela hovering around the children playing and teasing #Monty, he noticed her and brought her into the medley of madness.

“She is strong, with a willing to keep fighting. It’s a testament to her standing here today. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But look at her… She will be fine.”

She was small for her age, or at least that was what #Abby  had said. Then again, we could see all the kids were the same. Some more so than others.

“Harper was saying… she wants to stuff them full before we place them into Cryo. And I get it. It will help them. You know… I wish we could keep them up a little longer…”

•— John —•

I shook my head at her. “Harsh, Reyes. Harsh.” But I knew she would… and she might not even laugh. At least, not until a few hours later. Seeing people in pain wasn’t something she coped with easily. I watched the kids again; the youngest boy who had almost kicked me was  weaving in and out of the crowd of them. I noticed #Harper watching him and #Dela even more closely.

I nodded, I understood where that was coming from. “I get it… I mean….” I dragged my hand through my hair. “When was the last time you saw this many children all together? At least of this age range… there weren’t even that many in the care centre.” I stopped abruptly… it probably wasn't the best time to talk about that… and it wasn’t like I was there for long. “But I do think it’s a good idea to save the rations we have for when we get back  to earth… even if we find good land to start out on… it will take time to get farms producing… If they go to sleep, they don’t need to learn about rationing… or hunger and thirst. It sounds like a good deal… if it wasn’t for the…” I stopped again. I didn’t dare speak negatively of the cryo chambers in case the kids heard.

I knew my anxiety behind them was illogical, but all the same, it was there, and it was real. Raven knew my fears and the other reasons I didn’t want to go to sleep. “Plus, the sooner people go to sleep the less chances  there are of tensions between the clans.”

•— Raven —•

Twice…. As we walked twice, he stopped from saying what he was thinking. Making me question the reason. Looking around, looking between the two of us, and the company we were in. I got it.

This hadn’t been the same as on the island. He wasn’t stopping because he didn’t want to share, it wasn’t the right time. Just like before I told myself he would tell me later. And I believed it too.

‘Rey!’ #Monty’s voice cut in before I could answer or question John anymore. ‘The door is locked. You need to punch the code in.’ Nodding my head, I allowed one last glance at John telling him we’d talk more later before slowly catching up to the others.

“Okay, are we really?” And children with excited and eager. I didn’t know how #Monty and #Harper had done this. I pushed into the code to my  workshop which was the same as my room code. And with a general hiss the doors slide open.

“Welcome to the overachievers workshop.”

#Harper laughed and picked me. ‘Rey, there nothing in here that could injure or kill a kid, right?’

At the question being asked, my mind began to wander around what I had open. “Oh hells. Uhm… give me one….” I was already, hopping, running and skipping to the far side of the room where the industrial cutters were laying out.

•— John —•

I knew how much she hated it when I held stuff back… especially now that we were back on track again. But I wasn't really holding back, there were kids everywhere and #Harper. #Monty now too… I would tell her… but when it was just her and I. I just hoped that she saw that promise in the smile I gave her, I didn’t want her to think there was still a wall between us. I translated for the kids, but they seemed to read Rey’s excitement about where we were heading.

I couldn’t but get excited at how excited she was. Maybe it was a little bit of the  kid's excitement too… maybe. When Harper asked the potential for injury in the room, I turned the kids and told them to wait in Trig then I distracted them when Raven hopped off to retrieve a wicked-looking tool that she’d left out… Shit… she must have been in a lot of pain if she didn’t put that back in its place when she last used it. I told the kids that this was the room where Raven and the other mechanics and engineers fixed things and made sure everything, we needed to make the ship run was working. They didn’t ask many questions… they’re  understanding of Tek was slim to none.

•— Raven —•

I never left things out of place; it was well known by everyone that;

1. They could borrow anything they needed, as long as they returned it.

2. I had a place for every tool. (Reason being if anyone did ask to use something. I could tell them where it was kept without needing to go to it.)

3. I always left my work space ready to go for the next time.

All of which had gone out the ship’s windows with the next to no sleep and working on empty. But now I’d had a good couple of night of sleep, which meant I had begun to feel like myself again.

Hens why this trip to show the children around felt right to do today.

“Okay…” closing the metal cages on the far end of the space I dusted my hands off. “All is safe and sound now. I’m happy for the children to walk around and look over anything.” Pointing to the windows out the back or the work space. “These windows are safe for them to see the stars; we are facing away from earth here.”

Leaning back against the metal cage. Taking some of the weight off my hip and leg, I crossed my arms smiling at them all.

•— John —•

I watched her hobble around the room, something in me ached just knowing she was in pain. The kids started to walk around looking at things but not touching unless they were told it was okay. Which is what I had translated for them. #Monty showed some of the more curious kids the tools and #Harper watched the others who were fascinated with the windows. I pushed over two work stools next to where Raven stood, off to the side.

I knew she wouldn’t like it if I drew attention to her pain, so I sat on one and held the spinning top of the stool steady  for her to sit without worrying about it slipping beneath her. I said nothing about her hurting. I would add that in later with the other things I hadn’t said today. I glanced around making sure the others were distracted.

“Hey.” I said softly. “Why did you axe the trip to  the bridge? It sounded like a great idea… the windows there are even….” I stopped.

She said that the windows here were safe. Shit! “Oh!” My eyes widened. “Damn….” Of course, she thought about that… about the trauma of seeing a whole planet ablaze. “Maybe we call ahead  another day… have them close the curtain.” I offered her a smile.

She’d made the right call; they didn’t need to see any of this. It was another reason they should go into cryo. They didn’t need to grow up here. The earth would heal, it would heal, and we could take them home and let them grow up in the real world not a tin can with water recycling and artificial atmosphere. With real sunlight and not UV therapy. With grass and weather and places to run.

•— Raven —•

I could feel my friend’s eyes on me. Of course, some part of me knew what John Murphy thought, saw, or even felt, when he witnesses to me moving. The boy knew me too well since our time on the island had been spent with #Abby making him my watchman and nurse. This is why I didn’t question or fight the fact he wanted me to sit down beside him.

Relief coursed through my muscles the moment the weight eased from my hip and leg. It had been making my back all tense and sore too.

My hazel eyes dulled with the lack of sleep, glanced all over the room, while John answered his own question.

“They deserve better than the nightmares we all grew up with. They all have family and friends who were left down there. I don’t want them witnessing the place which had been  their home, now becoming a death pyre for those who were left behind.”

Shaking my head, at my stupidity. “I hadn’t I thought the plan through. I should have foreseen it before mentioning it to them.” Rubbing my fingers over the bridge of my nose. “These children deserve a chance to make it out of this thing, without even more scarring.”

•— John —•

I smiled at her, but I knew that she would see the concern in my eyes… she never missed a thing. Even the relief on her face when she sat down wasn’t a comfort to me, all it meant was she’d been hurting… more than I could help with by offering her a seat.

I nodded. “You’re right. They don’t need that at all… But you could talk to Officer Shaw…” I neglected the rank I knew all too well he had. “Plan a day for them to visit and have them close the doors on the window? I still think they would have a good time seeing how things run.”

She was punishing herself again, it was a habit ingrained so deep in her that I didn’t think she would ever cut herself some slack. “All that matters is that you remembered before I had a chance to translate it.”

I watched the kids around the room… Monty was making whirring sounds and playing with a tool that clearly had its powerpack removed (for the safety of the kids, I figured) and handed it the some of the older kids and repeated a word I was pretty meant 𝕕𝕣𝕦𝕞𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕘. I laughed at the kid's confused faces as one of them started tapping a spanner she had been examining the leg of the table… like… well like it was a drum.

“I’m guessing that tool #Monty is showing them has nothing to with drumming… Right?”

•— Raven —•

I saw the way John’s gaze turned upon me. “Oh, stop it.” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t look at me like that.” I also wondered if he had it his way, would the ripper stick me to slow me down? Because he’s done it before, and for some crazy reason now it made me chuckle, even if I wanted to kill him at the time.

But now I was the one watching him. I knew full well what he was doing, however I still couldn’t understand why? What had passed between him and #Miles for this… rivalry?

“𝗟𝗶𝗲𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗻𝘁…” emphasising, his correct rank.   while knowing full well, John knew this too. “Miles Shaw would be happy to help. I just…. I should have put this plan past him too.” Moving my attention around the room and smiling when I saw #Harper.

“A little foresight and warning, and you’re right. The children would love seeing things from up there. Especially since they are so… engaged down here.” Nodding my head to #Harper and three of the young ones. Sat in the floor in a circle. In the middle lay a greasy engine part.

“They look more impressive by the greasy.” The. I turned my gaze back to John. “Drumming? What the h—” I heard it then, the sound of my tools hitting the leg of the tables, and work benches.  “Monty! What are you teaching them?”

•— John —•

“Stop what?” I asked nonchalantly. “If you want me to stop checking you out you have to stop checking me out first.” I teased her quietly. I just rolled my eyes at her correction. “Yeah, yeah.” I sighed. Then I laughed.

“Yeah, I noticed that… Grounder kids. They love… dirt!” I chuckled. “I remembered them jumping in puddles and digging in mud for no reason, in some of the villages I passed through. And the adults just acted like it was totally normal.”

More kids chimed in with the drumming and #Monty looked up at Raven with a little fear in his  eyes. ‘No idea.’ He admitted. ‘We might need a translator over here.’ He turned his eyes on me, pleading. I laughed and patted Rey’s braced knee once, gently.

“Okay, okay I’m coming.” I laughed, but I was smiling at Raven until I stepped off the stool and made my way to the  looked more confused than ever. “You’re going to have to show them how it works,” I told him, after I got them to stop drumming with #Harper’s help.

•— Raven —•

A scoff and the mother of all eye rolls were his gift. “You wish Watcher.” Waggling my eyebrows and giving a smirk.

Not really say anything else, just making a note to ask him about his travels. How had we not had this conversation? I wanted to see more of the planet we had begun to call home. However, we didn’t have time. Consequently, fighting to live, to survive, and to thrive had consequences. It was all consuming.

Sitting on the stole, speaking to the children who ran past me asking them to be care with a kind smile. My eyes focused on my three friends, watching how taking care of these small souls came so easily to them. Once again, I thought of how much had happened in so little time, how we had failed these young ones. How they wouldn’t play in puddles or in the dirt for years to come.

And my eyes stung.

Turning my face away, to blink those uncontrollably heavy feeling back until I could let them flow when alone. Now wasn’t the time. When my hazel glazed returned to the group, they were all sat on the ground with Monty showing them what to do (other than play the drums!)

•— John —•

I glanced over my shoulder after translating for #Monty. I could see she was lost in thought, but it almost looked like she was about to cry… it made my chest ache. Not in the way it did in the Brig… this was different…

#Monty passed out goggles to the kids closest to him and told us to keep the others back a little, while he drilled a hole into scrap metal to show them how it worked. They were fascinated by the sparks and how the tool whirred. But when I glanced behind me again to check on Rey, I caught sight of the littlest boy (the one that almost kicked me in the family jewels)… hands clamped over his ears but still looking like he wanted to be part of the action. I spotted a pair of ear protectors on a workbench… quickly looked up at Raven again, like she might have vanished in the last ten seconds. I smiled at her before I picked up the yellow headset, mimicked putting it on to show the boy how it worked, and then popped them on his ears. They looked ridiculously large on his tiny head. I chuckled and he whipped his head around at the change in what he could… or rather couldn’t hear.

Then he held his hands up to me, fingers opening and closing…. My brows lowered. I looked around for a little clarification. #Harper caught my gaze and imitated picking him up. I gave her a look over the noise in the room that asked 𝗠𝗲?

#Harper’s brows arched, and she planted one hand on her hip and returned a glare that had me instantly picking up the child and turning back to give Raven an eye roll… This woman was a whole lot tougher than I gave her credit for.

She was watching everything from her place on the stool… After #Monty was finished with the kids, and I was done playing translator I put the boy down. Or... I tried to… he made a keening sound and tucked up his legs, refusing to put them on the ground. “Okay, okay…. Message received.” I chuckled… doubting he understood. He made the same sound  when I tried to take the ear protectors off. When I looked at him it looked like he might fall asleep any minute.

So… keeping hold of him I made my way back to Raven. “Hey… Do you know if they are meant to sleep during the day at this age…” I hefted the boy higher on my  hip. “This one looks about ready for bed.” I want to ask her where her mind had gone just now… touch her… not in a creepy way just to offer comfort. But we add all of that to the growing list for later.

•— Raven —•

With my head back in the here and now, the rollercoaster of emotions had been hard to keep at bay this afternoon. I knew not sleeping well did this with me, it played with my head and heart. However, I’d had a good sleep finally last night, so I had no excuses. Witnessing the events before me I could help but let go of the sadness and embrace the view of #Harper and John.

#Monty had been lost in his little show and tell, but the other two were enough of a sideshow that I found myself chuckling to myself.

Wishing someone sat with me to see it all play out too. And maybe place a bet on if the little kid got the target of Johns Crown Jewels this time or not. But to my surprise, John made a friend?

The kid asked to be lifted, to be held and not to be set back down. What was this world coming to? “Why or how would I know? He looks pretty tired. Maybe we should have kept it to a short trip?”

#Haprer moved closer to us, and I asked her the same question.

‘Yes, the little ones do have a nap in the classroom. We have a few small  mattresses Luna found, and some  blankets, Miles brought us for them.’

She glanced at the youngest of the group. ‘Maybe we should head back. They will need some lunch soon too.’

Nodding my head, I held my hand up for #Monty to notice, making a sign to round it up. “Okay. I guess John is the little people whisperer now. He picked up on their needs.” Giving him a smile of gratitude.

•— John —•

Raven saw everything, I named her Stargazer because she was a dreamer and because the first time, we made a truly deep connection I caught her literally looking up at the stars. Then she told me the stories of the constellations. She was watching everything, and I hated that sometimes her pain kept her on the edge of things. I tried not to let it happen, but this was another moment that I had dropped the ball.

I nodded when she mentioned short trips. “Yeah… I guess with the kids being such a range of ages we need to think more about the little ones. I mean like Harper’s idea of teaching them numbers to use the lift.” I tipped my chin to the kid almost nodding off on my shoulder. “It's not like this kid will be riding elevators on his own anytime soon, you know? it might be a better use of time to focus on teaching  it to the kids who need it.”

I held back the eye roll at the mention of him… but it was cool that he thought of the kids. I laughed but tried to soften it a little in case I provoked the wrath of the crotch-kicker on my hip. Like it was on cue the kid yawned a huge, face-stretching yawn. “Mean it’s not rocket science when you read the signs.” I bragged. “Should we round them all up or just take the little ones back?”

•— Raven —•

‘Ah… You’re under selling your skills again John Murphy.’ #Harper teased him at not being a rock scientist.

Then he asked another good question. “Uhm… Harper?” Taking my lead from her as she knew these kids better than we did.

‘Oh… I’m not sure it’s a good idea to split  the kids up. The little ones have grown accustomed to being around the older ones. And the older kids don’t really let the young ones out of their sight.’

The thought warmed me and saddened me at the same time. “Talk about having to grow up too fast... they are protector  when they should be children themselves.” But I got it. Wasn’t it the same for us too?

‘So, what’s the plan guys?’ #Monty walked over to ask.

My hazel eyes moved over the room, and all the faces. “I guess we are all heading back for a nap? Unless Harper do you want me to go grab the lunches? I’m happy to do it so you have some down time too?”

It felt right to offer, I’d been sat here on a stool while they did all the hard work.

‘Are you sure you don’t mind, or have any else to do?’ She asked. I had a tone of things to do. “I’m hiding out, seeing how long it takes the others to come find me. So, all of your head back. I’ll go pick up the food.”

•— John —•

I laughed at #Harper. “Yeah well, kids are crappy judges of character.” I was sure if these little people had any clue of the things I had done, they would be terrified of me. I thought about what Harper said and looked around… these kids were all from different clans… I  would have to remember to look at the list of minors and see who was from which clan. “Even the kids from different clans?” I asked.

‘Kids don’t see clan allegiance; they just see new friends. Especially after… everything.’ She cleared her throat and brushed the hair away from the little boy's eyes.

I had to say I agreed with Raven… “It wasn’t any different on the Ark. How old were all of you when you were selected for your apprenticeships?” I looked from #Monty to #Harper to #Raven… “Fourteen? Younger? You made it to Zero-G at eighteen.” I said to Raven. I, on the other hand… they planned to assign to maintenance or janitorial or something else suitably useless. “Maybe in a few decades, kids can be kids again.”

I grinned at Raven. “Wait….” I gave her a shocked look. “You tricked me into turning your day off  into a field trip! I feel so used Raven Reyes!” I had to tone down my usual theatrics due to the sleeping crotch kicker… but my smirk said it all. Then on a serious note. “Maybe someone should go with you?” I glanced around. I would have volunteered… but for some reason, I thought that would be…. I had no idea… we had been together all day. I was hard to be around on a good day.

“One person can carry the rations… but the water too? And today is nutrition packs for the minors too.” I had made the schedule based on the nutritional needs Abby  laid out for the kids and adults… those with injuries. It gave me a headache just thinking about it.

‘I can go with her… can you get them back with just too?’ #Monty asked.

I looked at the kids and asked in Trig. “Who’s ready for another ride in the elevator?” None of  them seemed to show signs of fear this time.

•— Raven —•

It was such a tender touch, the way #Harper moved the hair out of the boys eyes. Once again, I had to remind myself how things could have been different for us all of our life’s had taken an unexpected turn.

Of If I hadn’t messed up, if we had stopped the nuclear meltdown, if the stars were set on destroying everything we were trying to save?

I had to tell myself to stop… I knew where these dark thoughts took me… and it wasn’t anywhere good. Positive energy, one foot in front of the other… and small wins!

“Who? Me?” Giving John a shocked face with a hand over my heart. “I don’t know what you mean. I would never.” Winking at the children even if they understand the conspiracy I was bringing them into.

I was going to describe in detail the plan I had about accosting a trolly to bring everything back. But #Monty was always good company.

“Thanks Green, I’m going to accept your offer to help. So, shall we?” Realising, actually I hadn’t gotten up from the stool.

Not sure what #Harper saw in my face, but she began gathering the kids who John had excited with another ride in the elevator. Taking the attention off me, so that I could slowly stand myself up.

Hiding the shooting pain, making me freeze for a breath or two. And then I was on the move.

•— John —•

That little spark of mischief played in those hazel eyes, the ring of gold flashing for a moment when she gave me her cheek. I saw it dim and sputter out when she stood up. Then I was suddenly hit with all the flaws in this plan. Would #Monty recognises her pain? Would he slow down and take it at a speed not so slow that she’d know what was happening, but slow enough that she had time to breathe through the hurt? Would he ask her about it? No one who was in pain wanted to be constantly reminded of every detail of those pains and draw attention to it, bringing it into sharp relief in the forefront of their mind. Would he know to just stop for a moment if she needed to and let her catch her breath before offering to help her when she was more than capable of helping herself?

‘You coming, Murphy?’ It was #Harper, I realised she was at the door with the kids, two little ones still milling around my feet.

“Right behind you,” I told her. “Just making sure we don’t have any stragglers.” She nodded and started to lead the kids. I focused my attention… or my eyes at least on the kids, this  wasn’t a place to leave a child behind, there were airlocks and tools everywhere.

#Harper began counting heads as they filed into the lift giddy and excited, and a few sleepy yet fascinated faces. Plus, the little one that was out cold on my shoulder. #Raven was gone from my  eyeline now. I stepped inside and exhaled. She was fine. She was a grown woman, and she did not need my meddling at all.

I knew this… But it still didn’t help.

‘She’s okay, isn’t she?’ #Harper asked as the doors slid closed.

“Raven?” I asked… Blinking. “Of course.”

#Harper’s reply was a look; pinched brows and a stern expression. It suited her… this mother hen look. “She is… she’s just… working too much… but I’m working on that…” I was trying to. But between my shifts in the mess and the therapy sessions with Jackson, I hardly knew where to find her half of the time.

‘And you? Are you okay?’ She asked next. Now I was really confused.

“Yeah… sure…” Then I remembered, she was there… in the brig. “I’m fine… better. I have Raven, #Luna and #Emori. I’ll be fine.”

‘You have the 100, John… any of us that are left.’ Harper said and the doors pinged. We ushered the kids out and I rolled my eyes. #Harper looked hurt at that.

“Sorry, that wasn’t aimed at you. But we both know that’s not totally true.” I explained.

‘What’s not true?’ I audibly groaned as #OfficerShaw stepped into the corridor. #Harper beamed though and so did a few of the kids. I fought back yet another eye roll.

•— Raven —•

Walking down the corridor I knew what I needed to do. It’s all about mind over matter. Or at least what #Sinclair told me. ‘You can do anything you put your mind to Miss Reyes. Don’t you ever forget it.’

My lips curled up into a soft smile, heading his voice in my head wasn’t  the same at on #Becca’s Island, but I had a good memory of it still. Even if it felt a little fogged.

‘What are you thinking about?’ #Monty asked from beside me. He walked step to step, like a perfect mirror of my actions.

“Something Sinclair used to say to me.” This made his heart turn, but her didn’t speak. Waiting to see if there were memories, I was willing to share. “He used to tell me I could do anything I put my mind too. That the only people or person to get in my way... was me.”

#Monty chuckled but still didn’t speak. “I’m starting to think the man had a point.” I said as we moved to the side, some of the guys from camp and some grounders were working together, carrying cleaning supplies and equipment.

‘I may not know it all, but I knew better than to disagree with what Sinclair said. So, yeah...’ He nudged his shoulder into mine chuckling again.

“Careful, Green. I may get myself a big head or something.” This earned an eye roll.

‘It’s not easy, Rey. What we are all trying to do up here. But the fact that so many people are here and breathing….  What is it you used to say…. Small wins? Yeah. Small wins. We will take them until they build up into something substantial.’

This time I moved closer to him. My friend warmed my heart.

‘Now… are you going to tell me how he is?’ The boy didn’t miss a beat while opening  the doors to the mess room.

“Who? John?” Arching my eyebrow.

‘No, Bellamy… you picked John.’ That mischievous look was back making the both of us laugh together.

“Funny… so bloody funny! But he is getting there. It’s going to be fine. He isn’t alone.” This time I truly believe what I said. John wasn’t alone. He had people he cared about. And maybe had someone special who will help keep his demons in check, even if he still hasn’t told me about them.

‘Come on, Rey. Let’s get those children feed.’ Leaving me standing in the middle of bustling mess, he rushed to find a trolly we could use.

•— John —•

We were so close. Two minutes earlier and we would have missed him. “It’s not true that your ears are your worst feature… Officer. Personally, I think they are adorable. #Harper disagrees.”

I watched his jaw tick like he was biting the inside of his cheek; I felt a swell of  pride. ‘You are so lucky you have a baby in your arms or I would smack you, John Murphy.’ Harper whispered as she passed me by and spoke normally. ‘Want to help us wrangle this gang back to the classroom?’

‘Sure thing.’ He smiled. ‘I have some time.’ He tried to take the  hand of the kid closest to me, but she looked up at me and I said without even twitching a finger. “En’s ku… Teik ai meika.” (It’s okay. Take my hand.) The little girl reached out and took my free hand. #Shaw bristled.

#Harper rolled her eyes and started to head down the  hall calling to the kids to follow. “Hos of, yongons.” (Move along, kids.) The stragglers started to move and Shaw did seem to making sure none of them wandered.

‘It’s a good look on you Murphy… maybe you’ll make a good mommy someday.’ Shaw smirked like he just landed a killer insult.

“Wow, gender base insults.” I laughed. Fuck! This kid was getting heavier by the second. There was no way I would show any hint of weakness around him. “You’re about a century too late… we wiped out that toxic bullshit a few years after the missiles  launched.”

‘Foul language in front of the little ones?’ Shaw acted horrified.

“They don’t speak English in case you haven’t noticed. Only the warriors learned English on the ground.” I said like this was common knowledge he should know.

‘So, I’d heard… why is that  exactly?’ He asked and I smirked.

“Because the people that lived in an American military base kidnapped their soldiers, turned them into drug dependant cannibals and fed their addiction when they brought them live grounders that they kept in cages and used their blood as  medicine.” It was true… and also a nice dig at the country he’d decided to fight for.

His face twisted up as he processed the information. “See that girl up there…” I waited until #Harper was far enough ahead. “The descendants of your government locked her in a cage so  small she had to curl into a ball… drilled into her and drained her bone marrow until she almost died. Then they strapped Raven to the same table and tried to do the same thing.”

‘Was that before or after you shot her?’ He looked at me smugly.

Bellamy fucking Blake! That man had no idea when to shut the hell up. “Ask Raven.” Was all I said back. Rey and I were long past that… even if I still refused to talk to #Jackson about it. It would not go down well if he confronted her about it.

He laughed and stroked his chin. He knew that was a bad  move. ‘Any particular reason you’re suddenly interested in these kids?’

“Oh, you mean the kids whose burns I treated and vomit bags I held when they came on board? Whose entire meal plan and nutrition requirements I calculated and prepare rations for every single day on this boat? Yeah… pretty unexpected that I took an interest…” I rolled my eyes. “Or maybe it’s because I’m one of about ten people from the Ark that bother to learn their language. Pick which one you like best.”

Finally, the double doors to the schoolroom appeared before us. And we went inside. #Harper pointed me to the cots and I lay the sleeping toddler down, easing his tiny arms from around my neck as Harper tucked a blanket around him. ‘You need to stop antagonising that man.’ She whispered to me. ‘Raven trusts him, we need to trust him too.’

“Oh I trust him,” I said and she looked bewildered. “I trust him to keep this boat in orbit and the life support running.... but I don’t trust him with these people.” I tipped my chin towards the kid. “This was a prison ship.. and none of the prisoners survived? Isn’t that a  little convenient? We were prisoners too Harper… I’ve seen those cells. They wore shock collars… Do you really think they couldn’t have subdued any of them? Isn’t it weird that only half a dozen crewmates survived? If anything goes wrong up here the grounders will be the first to go. Or worse.”

‘Worse?’ she asked, her brow knitting in confusion.

“They still have the collars on board.” Her face dropped and she shook her head.

‘Please don’t do anything stupid, John. Raven needs you.’ It sounded like she was pleading. But Raven didn’t need anyone, not really. ‘Let me talk to #Clarke about this before you do anything, please?’

I blinked. “You believe me? Just like that…. Without proof?” She kissed my cheek quickly and smiled.

‘Just like that, John.’ And she shuffled off to the next kid, leaving me crouched by the little one. I looked over my shoulder and #Shaw was managing to get the little kids to lie down. I… fucking… hate… that guy.

•— Raven —•

‘Raven Reyes!’ The voice came from behind as #Monty and I loaded the last of the food ration assigned to the children for midday.

‘Busted!’ He chuckled looking over his shoulder to the person who owned the voice.

‘People have been looking all over this ship for you. Where have you been?’ #Clarke came to stand right beside me now. Her arms crossed over the chest, sending out the subliminal message that she was not to be fucked with.

“I couldn’t be hiding so well. Look you found me.” Saying it while struggling a little with the box of water.

‘It’s not a joke Rey. We need you. We need to make sure the council understands every step of the process. That are all so close. I can feel it.’

She was frowning at Monty.

‘Shouldn’t you be working on the plan on what to do when this all runs out?’ She pointed to the trolly.

“Back off Griff. He has been working damn hard. And he hasn’t stopped. Right now, he is helping Harper with feeding the children of the council. So… just bad off.” She looked out of sorts, and I didn’t care. I was fine with her telling me I was slacking. But she wasn’t going to say it to anyone else.

‘I… I’m sorry… it’s just a lot riding on this.’ She frowned looking away.

“Yeah, we know. It was kind of our minds coming up with the lists of everything we needed to do.”

#Monty placed a hand on my forearm, telling me to stop. ‘As soon as we deliver this food, I will get back to work on the algae farm. I’ve begun to find a way I think will make the most sense in a short period.’ The boy was super intelligent and if anyone could, it would be him.

I couldn’t help the pride I felt for my friend right now, as he went into great detail on how far the process had come. I knew what he was doing. Taking Clarke’s attention and anger off me.

•— John —•

#Harper’s easy acceptance of what I told her was still not sitting right in my mind… I couldn’t stop my inner monologue running through what her intentions might be. Was she going to use this against me? Would she tell the crew that I knew they had the collars? Would she think  I was crazy?

I knew what Raven would say. She would tell me to trust my family, my friends… but fuck! That really wasn’t easy. Harper was trying to settle a fussy child, singing to her and trying to keep the older kids quiet. They were clearly too old for naps and none of  them appeared to need one. I searched the room and found a tablet.

“I got the older ones, Harper. Try to get her to sleep.” I took the older kids to the other end of the room and gathered them up in a circle sitting on the floor. I pulled up a blank document on the  tablet.

Ꮻ ʜᴀʀᴘᴇʀ ᴍᴄɪɴᴛʏʀᴇ ᴘᴏᴠ Ꮻ

I held the little girl draped across my lap… it was the only way she’d sleep and now I was afraid to move because she never slept well… I think she had bad dreams. I had let my humming fade out after her eyes closed. Now I was  watching John… speaking Trig to these kids like he had used it all his life… #Shaw was watching him too from the other side of the room. He caught my eye when I looked over and then came to stand next to me.

‘What is he saying to them?’ He asked me.

“I don’t know word for word. But he is teaching them to count in English and what each number looks like.” I replied, catching as many words as I could.

‘Why?’ He asked, brow furrowed.

“I think it's so they can use the elevators on their own if they ever need to, or get lost,” I told him without  thinking about whether or not I should answer the question.

‘Is that a good idea?’ #Miles asked, and there it was… I should have thought before I spoke. ‘What if they go back to their parents and teach them?’

I shifted to a little to face him and said matter-of-factly. “Then their parents will be able to move more freely around the ship.” My tone made it very clear that this was a good thing.

‘Oh yeah sure… I just meant that… they don’t understand life on a ship… We don’t want anyone accidentally stepping out into space.’ He replied  quickly.

•— Raven —•

〄 ᴍᴇᴀɴᴡʜɪʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱʜɪᴘ’ꜱ ᴍᴇꜱꜱ

‘Rey, are you going to come and join the meeting? They need to see you there.’ #Clarke looks frustrated.

“Grif, I’m not a team mascot. If you need me there to explain what I am doing, or how things are working. Fine. But I’m not going to stand there just to make people feel comfortable. My time can be better spent.’

#Monty had stepped away to give the two of us room to speak. And some part of me thought I would have loved to walk away too.

‘You, know you are much more than a mascot. I don’t know…’ she rubbed her hand over her tired face.

“When was the last time you sat down, ate something, slept?’ Placing my hand on her shoulder. “Today I’m learning to stop and look around. To enjoy the sad wins we have.” Our eyes moved over the people in the  Mess with us. “All these people, they need to see us, to trust us. To understand we are here working to make sure their safety and security is what we are all working towards.”

Her shoulders sagged, but the fact that she wasn’t dragging me or herself out of here, it meant  she saw where I was coming from. ‘I guess…’ she began. ‘You have a point.’

I knew I shouldn’t joke. “Can I have it in writing?” She nudged me smiling.

‘Go, feed the masses. Do your thing. You’re working ten steps ahead of me.’ My smirk was all the answer she wanted.  But she pushed me playfully. ‘Shut up! And Go!’

•— John —•

〄 ʙᴀᴄᴋ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʟᴀꜱꜱʀᴏᴏᴍ

The kids seemed to get one to five down quickly, but I could see frustration starting to creep in. So I put away the tablet and started to ask them their names and tribes… they started to ask me about being born in space… that was harder.

On the ground, I never had much cause to talk about being Skaikru in their language since I spent most of my time trying to hide that fact.. other than from #Emori. It was impossible to translate words like 𝕆𝕣𝕓𝕚𝕥, 𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕥𝕪 and 𝕘𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔 𝕖𝕟𝕘𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘.

Plus trying to navigate the conversation around the fact that I was locked up for attempted murder, arson, burning two days' worth of breathable air and potentially endangering every life on the Ark just by lighting one fire…. Well yeah. That was difficult too.

The eldest two kids had asked me why they hadn’t been given a job… they were probably only eleven… but clearly, they were used to contributing. So I approached #Harper, letting the kids just hang out and relax. She still had a sleeping child on her lap. ‘That was amazing John…’ She smiled. ‘Who knew you would be the teaching kind?’

I laughed. “If #Pike could see me now right?” #Harper winced. She was there the day he attacked me in our Earth Skills class. “I just speak their language is all.”

‘You do… and not just  literally… you understand them. They can tell and they respond to that.’ She smiled again and I shuffled uncomfortably. Having people not hate me was a strange sensation.

“Speaking of understanding… the eldest kids… they were asking about having a job… helping out? I  think they are used to helping out at home.” There was no such thing as laziness on the ground, everyone spent their days surviving… working, and making sure they had what they needed to survive the winter or the dry season.

‘Oh… um… I suppose I could have them help out a little more with the kids… but I don’t think there's a lot they would be able to do. If they were off in the ship they would need to be supervised and that would take someone else away from a job…’ She was rambling now, thinking out loud… “You know who would be best to help with that?… #Luna. When she’s back we’ll talk to her about it.’

She was right, #Luna had everyone on the Oil Rig pitching in and that wasn’t much safer than this ship for little kids. She had to have ideas for safe ways for them to contribute. “Yeah… you’re right. I’d  bet she would think of something.”

‘Are you really thinking about putting kids to work?’ I hadn’t paid attention to #Shaw’s presence.

“We aren’t talking about slave labour here. We’re talking about letting them feel useful. These kids aren’t used to being idle. They are tending crops and raising farm animals from the time they can walk…” I left out the part about training to be soldiers from before puberty. “They just want to contribute.”

•— Raven —•

The doors slide open to #Monty and I seeing #Harper, #Miles, and John huddled to the far side of the classroom. Some kids sleeping and the olders one’s relaxing and speaking in hushed tones.

‘That doesn’t look good.’ #Monty uttered.

“What doesn’t?” I asked curiously as I saw nothing wrong with the sight before us.

‘John and Shaw. In the same room as children. They could kick off at any moment.’ Something passed in his mind because his body language changed.

‘Raven. There you are.’ A bright smile and a salute came from across the room.

“Hey Miles. I wasn’t expecting you to be down here. I’m sure the kids are loving the attention.” We pulled the trolley into the classroom and let the doors close behind us.

‘You know I’m always up for showing my support.’ He came over to take my side of the trolley. ‘Let me help with this.’

My hazel eyes settled on #Harper and John. And the small one fast asleep on her lap.  Smiling at the two of them before the older children we up on their feet making their way across.

‘Who’s going to tell them to list up?’ Miles asked. Pulling my attention back to him

“Mi….” Before I could even say his name, #Monty replied frowning.

‘No one.’ #Monty replied. ‘They are kids, not prisoners. They can help themselves to anything they want from here. Because they know how to take care of rationing food.’

Before his sentence was over, I saw how the oldest looking of the kids stepped up. One handing the younger ones their fair share of food and water. Before even thinking of serving themselves.

‘See…’ #Monty said looking proud of them. The girl took food and water over for Harper, the baby, and John too.

•— John —•

I rolled my eyes at the salute… didn’t anyone tell him America was over? I scoffed when he asked who was going to tell the kids to line up for rations. It had been ten minutes since we talked about the fact that I was one of the few people from the Ark who spoke their  language.

I smirked and turned my attention to the child and #Harper’s lap to try and hide the grin when #Monty called him out. ‘John Murphy, you wipe that smirk off your face.’ #Harper whispered; she leaned in close. ‘Raven is allowed to make new friends. Don’t be jealous…  it can’t compare to what you did for her.’

I inhaled deeply. “Raven might be blind to it… but we all know it's not friendship he wants.” I whispered back.

‘All that matters is what our Rey wants, she will only do what she wants to do.’ #Harper replied and I flicked my eye to the side watching the kids help themselves to their fair share and passing the packet to the young ones that were awake. Saving some for the little ones still sleeping. I smiled at the little girl and took the rations from her. “Mochof.” (Thank you.) I told her.

‘How long are you going to wait, John?’ She asked and I was stunned. I busied myself opening her rations and giving them to her because she only had one free hand. Was I that transparent?

“As long as she needs me too,” I whispered, not able to look at her now. But I saw her roll her eyes in my peripheral vision.

‘You don’t get to decide what she needs, John… this isn’t the same thing as her working herself into an early grave.’ Even though she was clearly calling me out… her words were kind, like she was giving me advice, maybe even encouragement…  instead of telling me off.

I looked her in the eyes now. “I can’t lose her.”

•— Raven —•

‘I .. Uhm… I fucked up again. Didn’t I?’ #Miles stepped into me to whisper in my ear. However, I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the packet in my hands. ‘I’m sorry Raven. This is all new to me.’ And I knew it was.

“Yeah… Miles... you did… but at least you know you did. That’s a start.” I half smiled. Hearing a scoffing sound coming from #Monty’s direction before he went to join #Harper and John.

‘I’m trying. It’s not easy thinking the way you do. You are so trustful and open… I’m... well… I’m messed up.’ I knew what #Miles was going through. We’re had a number of night time conversations when he’d wake up from nightmares and knock on my door.

I smiled and nudged him with my elbow. “I am far from perfect. Just like to think we need to survive together, without the trauma every single one of  us has lived through. You, me, and everyone else on this ship. Each step we take has to be with humanity in mind. Not a power trip or thinking less about anyone else. You know what I mean?”

He nodded his head, giving me a hug and whispering in my ear again. ‘I want to be Raven Reyes when I grow up.’ This made me laugh, patting his back and hugging him too.

“Keep with me kid, and I’ll show you how it’s done.” Stepping back to look up at him. Placing a hand on his cheek. “Just show them the side of you, I’ve seen. Your kind, bull headed, but this...” My hand moved to his chest and heart. “This is what matters, when every person around you is fearful and lost.”

Looking over his shoulder I saw John speaking with Harper, it made me smile. He too once told me no one would love him and now look at him. He had a family. Even if he didn’t recognise it yet.

•— John —•

Now I had sunk so deep into those feelings, I thought I had done a good job of keeping to myself today. I was a good friend today, wasn’t I? Helped her with her pain when I could and kept her company… even if I wasn’t so successful at having her take a break… walking the ship with the kids was far less difficult and physically taxing than her day job… and now here I was grasping at those mental threads, trying to stuff them deep down again.

Would it ever get easier?

I wasn’t sure I wanted it to… on one hand this hurt… on the other… it  was a reminder that I was capable of feeling. If it got easier… if I forgot… Would I turn back into the version of John Murphy she hated?

Just so I had a reason to not watch the exchange between Rey and #Shaw I ate my ration, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.

But then he hugged her and the movement in my peripheral vision was too much to ignore. My gaze flickered up… I couldn’t see this… I couldn’t look away.

I needed to see this. I needed to know that she had far better prospects than me. Even if it was this douchebag… He was  making her smile… making her laugh. She touched his face and the crack in my chest was what I needed to look away, back at #Harper. I forced a smile that failed to wipe the pity from her eyes. Great! I was pitiful again.

‘John, it doesn’t mean…’ She started to tell me that what I saw meant nothing. But nothing Raven did ever meant nothing. Time was too precious to her. Everything she did was about making things better.

“It’s fine… I’m fine.” I lied. I hadn’t promised #McIntyre I wouldn’t lie to her. “All that matters is that she’s happy, that’s all I need.” Another lie, this one stung me. I looked around the room at the sleeping kids, the older ones eating or helping the little ones that had woken open the little silver packets.

“Do… um…” I cleared my throat, there was a lump there that the words got stuck on. “Do you still need me here? You have soldier boy now and I should go check on the canteen… my grounder assistants still struggle with the tablets to record the rations that were collected.” Truth. Sort of… They would manage… but still, the half-truth eased the guilt a  little. Raven really was rubbing off on me if these little lies were weighing on me.

‘Um…’ Harper looked around and swallowed thickly. ‘John, you don’t…’ she seemed to think about what she was about to say. ‘We’ll be fine. You should do what you need to do.’

I didn’t give any other explanation as I made my way to the door as subtly as possible. Until the eldest child in the room called out. ‘Seda, yu gon raun?’ (Teacher, you’re leaving?) I wasn’t sure what stopped me. The fact he’d announce my departure to the room or the fact he called me Seda. It was not a word the grounders used carelessly.

•— Raven —•

#Miles handed me a chunk from his now opened sliver packet, holding it out to me with a smile. Of course I didn’t need help to open my rations. But it was the gesture in the moment, an olive branch as they called it on earth in his days. So, I went with it. Showing him that just because a mistake is made didn’t mean the end of a friendship.

We all did it from time to time, making mistakes, saying things we didn’t mean, or just having a bad day. It didn’t mean doors were closed on you forever. The room had been divided into three sections, each of which was busy with those around them.

 #Monty, spoke in hushed tones with a boy showing him how to open the rations in a clean way. And once again when my eyes went to #Harper and John, they were speaking to each other still.

Wanting to give John space, to build his relationship with the others, I went to sit down beside some of the children on our side of the room.

We needed to give all of them the same amount of attention no matter their age. (Or at least that was my belief.)

#Miles of course, joined me, giving us an opportunity to introduce him to them. We needed to keep trying to build some trust between the young ones. They were told to fear people who dressed like us, and as grown-ups it was our responsibility to break those walls down.

#Miles’s eyes widened with shock when he heard my broken trig. ‘I didn’t know you spoke their language too.’ He asked.

“You know it’s the same language as we speak, just with the evolution of over a hundred years.” This made him smile.

‘Are you going to teach me some too?’ he asked with an elbow to my side.

Parting my lips to answer, I stopped, seeing another opportunity to build something lost. “You know who taught me?” Nodding my head to the other side of the room to where John was. “John Murphy. He has a talent for picking up speech.”

I swear I saw something in #Miles’s eyes before he shook his head. ‘Guess I’ll be using sign language with the kids for a while.’

Everyone stopped speaking at the same time, with all our heads turned to  the door and John. He looked lost, caught out, as though he stopped from doing something he shouldn’t be. But more so. It’s what I saw in those baby blue eyes of his.

No one spoke for a moment, he didn’t answer the child, and it began to feel awkward. “Bilaik seda, na na bakon.” (Your teacher will be back.) I told the child waving them over to where we were sitting. “Kom op, bilaik dina ste hir.” (Come here, your lunch is waiting.) Beckoning them over.

They glanced back to John and then to me, ultimately choosing  to take a seat beside #Miles. I gave them what was left in my packet, telling them to eat it and share it with their friends if they were full, and then stood up.

Smiling at all those who had allowed me to join them for lunch. I told #Miles, I’d find him later. His eyes moved to the door, and he nodded his head in understanding before I turned and walked slowly towards John.

When I stood facing him, I smiled tilting my head to the side. My hazel eyes locked onto him. “You weren’t leaving without me, were you? No… It couldn’t be…” Pushing the button on the wall to open the door I asked.

“Where to next, Watcher?”

•— John —•

I said nothing… I had no idea what I should say… Seda? No… I couldn’t the grounders would not like their children talking to Skiakru like that. Then Raven spoke instead. That was when I noticed the kid was looking confused.

But… Raven… she crossed the room to me. “Oh…” I smiled. Those glinting hazel eyes instantly switched my rapid heartbeat from frantic to… whatever the hell this was. I didn’t care because it was infinitely better. “Um…” Honesty. Raven respected honesty. “Well I was going to go check on the guys in the canteen… but…” I stopped how could I turn this around? “It's my day off… and since I’m trying to set a good example for a certain workaholic, I should probably rethink that plan.”

I looked around the room quickly #Harper was murmuring to the kid on her lap as she stirred awake. Captain  Whatever and #Monty was talking to the kids. And Raven… She wanted to stay with me. It did funny things to my insides.

“Wait… does this mean that I’m the workaholic now and you’re the slacker?” I teased her. “Maybe you should pick what we do next instead. How does the great Raven Reyes relax?” Then I stopped. “If there’s math I’m out!”

•— Raven —•

Of course, he got the mother of all eye rolls. “Like I would try’s you with my math.”

Taking his hand, I pulled him out of the room letting the doors slide close. “We don’t want to let the young ones out, or wake those still sleeping.”

This was better, the darkness in his eyes had lifted,  it had only taken a few moments. I wasn’t sure what had caused it to occur in the first place. However, the fact that he didn’t allow himself to spiral into the depth of darkness for too long, meant he was trying to get himself better.

“You didn’t tell me it was your day off; I wouldn’t have dragged you around the ship if I knew.” Or had he and I forgot?

Nudging him with my shoulder. “I’m a quick learner. You’d be proud to hear, I even dodged Griffins attempts to get my arse into the council meeting to go over the same questions for the millionth time again.”

Glancing up and down the corridor, I was lost. “I really don’t know what we should be doing. Maybe I should walk you back to your room, and then get my arse back to work.” A Guilty feeling began to emerge from using his free day, which we didn’t have many off.

•— John —•

I let her pull me out into the hall and remember her taking my hand before she fell asleep. “I haven’t had many but the ones I have had I spend wandering the ship anyway… This is a strange place… I figured the best way to get comfortable here was to know my way around.” Then I quirked a brow… “What did you think when lunchtime rolled around, and I didn’t run off to the mess?” I chuckled. “Losing your edge there, Reyes.” I teased her.

I raised my bros in shock at her turning #Griffin down. “Wow! Really? I’m so proud!” Then I thought about it “Isn’t that more the Docs forte anyway… the effects of cryo on the human body and blah, blah, blah.”

“”Shh!!” I pressed one finger to her lips… mushing them into a funny shape and laughing. “No work talk… days off are to be spent with friends… so…. Come on! What’s next?” I smiled… I felt… lighter… and it was so easy. It was always easier near her.

I started walking down the hallway, it was selfish… but I didn’t want #Shaw to decide to tag along. Even if I was certain he had a way to find whoever he wanted on this ship if he really  wanted to.

“Come on, Rey… you have to know all of the best spots to have fun around here.”

•— Raven —•

“Okay fine, it’s a good question. But in my defence. I wasn’t looking around much in the mess. If I had stopped to think. I’m sure I’d have worked it out.” I hoped to myself at least. But his chuckling sound was worth the brain fart moment.

I was smiling too, nodding my head  and laughing a little when I spoke.

“I didn’t think she would let me off the hook so easily, but she gave in when I gave her my ‘don’t make me boom you, Griff’ voice” I didn’t. Or at least I don’t think I did. But it was worth a little elaboration. Sighing and nodding my head as I began to speak, but….

My face felt mushed, and my lips… his finger was on it! I was going to bite it, or lick it, or…. Well… I stopped my mouth from doing something awkward and laughed instead.

Following John down the corridor  wasn’t difficult, I’d been the one to pull him out, and inserted myself into his day.

“Anyway….” Pushing my hands into the pockets of my jumpsuit, catching up to his stride for now. “That’s my point… with Abby and the council meetings. I’m the ‘doer’ not the brains behind the how and what if. Sure I can’t talk about the details of the machine but do they need to know it? The worries I would have if I were them…. Is it safe, has it been tested, will our families be safe. The science… you know?”

I knew I was on a tangent. Sighing again I stopped looking at the back of John. Recalling one of his concerns about the ship.

 “I don’t know this ship like the back of my hand. So… want to go explore with me?” Watching him for his reaction.

•— John —•

I chuckled and smiled at her. “Nah... it’s a good sign… it means you were enjoying your time with the kids.”

I kept my pace slow; she was already hurting, and I didn’t want to make it any worse. “First of all; you are always the brains… but second… can’t you just trot out the screws and tell the people they were in the chambers for almost one hundred years? And they've been in and out of them a few times, right? On the way out to their mission and again on the way back. Show the living, breathing, walking, and talking results of the chamber.”

She stopped and I kept going a few steps... thinking she was hurting… but she always caught up… I knew she hated it when people slowed down for her. But when she asked her question, I turned with a grin.

“Now you're speaking my language, Rey!” Then I tilted my head and took a step in her direction. “I wanna add one thing though! Remember that bet we made… I still have ten questions. I want to ask one today.”

•— Raven —•

My brow furrowed considerably, John always seemed to act as though he didn’t understand or care about the situations around us. However, he had changed. Taking comments and actions into consideration, and even giving his opinion on the matter too. Part of me thought I’d lost this side of John. That I wouldn’t see it in a long while as he readjusted to our new life, but more so the people.

I stood pleasantly surprised and proudly proven wrong. “The council have met Miles, Lizzy. The others weren’t up to the  challenges to discuss their time in the pods and tell you the truth I don’t blame them. Waking up to so much change and losing all that time.”

I empathised with the others who woke up. I started to catch up to John, nudging him with my elbow.

“There you go, trying to weasel your way in by being charming. But… also factual. I am the brains.” Laughing until he reminded me of his win.

“I’m not going to lie. I forgot about it.” My hazel eyes turned their attention on him, trying to gauge the severity of  these questions. “But it’s only fair. We agreed to ten questions. So… you have ten questions.”

Gesturing for him to continue walking towards the elevators. We’d need to pick a level we hadn’t seen previously.

•— John —•

I couldn’t lie… I hadn’t really thought about that… that they’d woken up in an entirely different world. But then again they had accepted a mission that had them in cryo. “Isn't that kinda what they signed up for, though?” I asked, genuinely… “Obviously not the apocalypse…  how long was the mission meant to be originally… Twenty-five… fifty years? No one could be sure what you could come home to after that long.”

Sure, It was still a shock… but the planet was in a major climate crisis… there were wars everywhere. Did they really expect to  return to the exact same world? Had they lost any more than the first generation of Arkadians? But one thing was for sure. Being born in space… seemed like a better option to me. Considering everything I went through… that is saying something. At the Ark was always the Ark... Well, until it wasn’t.

I stepped into the lift with her and smiled. “So… where have you not been so far?” I asked her, figuring she'd probably seen more of the ship than me… with the repairs she’d have carried out. “Let’s go exploring somewhere neither of us has been yet,” I mentioned nothing about the question I was going to ask… I would find a moment later. As long as she didn’t pick the prison floor… I had zero desire to go back there, and I honestly didn’t want Raven to see it… even if the chances were she already had.

•— Raven —•

“I don’t know John.” I began walking down the corridor again towards the elevators. I had some insight into the minds of the crew through #Miles, but would it be breaking of his trust to bring it up? “The only way I can say I understand it, even when you know you make a choice to do the work and job they did. They knew their friends, families, people they knew were living a life, growing old, dying with a full life.”

Pushing my hair back over my shoulder, recalling the  loss I had felt in my life. “But to wake up, find out they are all gone, and why? Knowing there is no one on the planet you called home, who was even related to them? It’s a lot.”

Coming to a stop before the metal doors, I pushed the button with the down arrow. “There is some part of their story which resonates with me. I’m not sure how, or why. However, I feel for them, John. And I don’t want them to relive their memories if it cases them pain.”

Stepping from foot and foot, I gave up and lent against the wall. Pointing my finger down.

“I say we do it the way we did on Becca’s Island? Start from the bottom and make our way up? If you are game?”

•— John —•

“I get that… But maybe they just need to see that people come out as healthy as they were when they went into the bad.”

I knew the feeling… I had been there a matter of months, and I could barely stand to look at the burning planet. I watched her little shuffle, and I knew she was hurting. “Sounds good to me,” I said, I leaned back against the wall next to her, set my feet about a foot  away and braced myself back against the wall. I reached for Raven. “C’mon… no one is watching, lean on me,” I told her pulling her over to rest her hip against my thigh. Almost like sitting on my lap but not. “I’m a little more comfortable than the wall.” I chuckled. “Take  the pressure off, it’ll take a minute to get all the way down.” I wasn’t sure it felt different to touch her when we were alone… It felt like a violation when others were around… like they might guess my feelings for her and see something more. But when it was me and her… most of the time it just felt like she was my friend… she was in pain, and I could help. Of course, there were moments… but if I let myself think of those I would never get out of that loop.

I paused for a moment and then finally said it. “Can we skip the prison floor?” I asked. “I checked it out already and I don’t really want to go back… plus I don’t think you need to see it.”

•— Raven —•

“Yeah, I get your point for sure. I’ll bring it up with Marcus, Abby, and the others when I see them. It can’t hurt if we stick to the facts and don’t ask questions.”

John didn’t wait for me to reply before pulling me into his side. The moment i allowed the weight off my hip  I felt a rock life up and off my chest. I didn’t move away or fight him. John Murray was one of the few people in my life who had seen me at my worst, and still he stood here. No matter our issues, our problems, our ups and downs. We were going to rebuild our friendship.

Pain had become my not to silence partner in life. But I’d learnt soon after the fact, that the more space I gave it in my thoughts, the less it would let me live. So, it was always the case of pushing forward until I couldn’t take anything more.

“This reminds me of the evenings at home…. I mean… in the mansion, when you talked me into leaving the lab for the first time.” Resting my head to the side I closed my eyes before opening them again. “No matter how tight of a hold the pain had on me.

You found a way to take the pressure off a little.”

I took a deep breath, turning my eyes on John. I knew why he didn’t want to go to that level. And I wouldn’t push him to tell me more until he was ready.

“Sure, deck eight isn’t the vibe… we can go straight down  to deck ten. So much more to see in the waste disposal system anyway.” Elbowing him to say. I got you. Don’t worry.

I recalled a moment in my workshop, where John had said he would share his thoughts me later. But I pushed that away. If he remembered, he would tell me. I was sure about that.

•— John —•

Raven didn’t even hesitate about moving to lean on me… Was this it? Were we back to where we’d been in the Mansion?… I smiled thinking about it, keeping my hand on her waist I was sure that just like the Ark; the lifts of this ship were prone to sudden stops or jolts on occasion… they were all at least a century-old after all.

“It was a lot of trial and error. And ducking.” I teased. “But you’d be surprised by the number of ways you can turn a human body into a temporary chair.” I chuckled. “And you can call it home… I promise I won’t have a breakdown.” I didn’t want her censoring herself because she was worried about how I might react. “It was home. But we’ll make a new one.”

I turned to thank but she was looking at me and I swallowed hard. Remember those moments I was talking about? Yeah… “There they are,” I smirked, covering. Those little gold stars were showing in those hazel eyes again. “Feeling better?”

Then the rest of what she said hit me. “Wait! Waste disposal…. Is this the part where you float me and tell everyone it was a system failure?”

•— Raven —•

“Yeah? Maybe you need to start making a list of all the ways. See how far we can get.” Thankful for the opportunity to find some form of support right now.

“You are maybe able to hold on. But John. I can’t make the same promise. It… it felt like home…. You are right…”  I knew he would make a comment about me acknowledging him being right. However here we were. “After so long… we found a place to stay where nobody wanted kill us each night… well… kinda…”

Frowning a little, I tilted my head. “There who is?” What had he seen that I hadn’t? And then I burst out laughing so hard!!

“Oh… please! I wouldn’t float you. Where is the fun in that? Keeping you with me is a way better way to torture you.”

•— John —•

“Vital medical research.” I nodded, very serious. Then laughed.

I let out a breath… “I’m not too sure I believe it just yet. But I’m trying… and as #Lizzie says… I have my girls.” I chuckled, poking my fingers into her waist indicating she was one of the girls the army medic so easily called 𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕖. “And… I’m trying.” I said it again… because… well there wasn’t anything else to say. It seemed like there was no end to the trying, no matter what #Jackson told me.

I ignored her question with a cheeky grin… knowing that another conversation about her eyes might send me to that place again. She was having fun…. Hurting, but having fun. She had to learn how to feel both at once; because one of those things wasn’t ever going away.

“So kinky Reyes!” I teased her when she mentioned torture. “I mean…  they always say the nerdy ones have the wildest streaks… but you just take it too far.” The red number nine scrolled by on the screen above the door. I wrapped my arm all the way around her and held on a little tighter as the lift clunked down to ten and stopped with only a light jolt.

•— Raven —•

“Your girls?” I asked with a raised brow. He had girls? When his poked me it clicked what #Lizzie must have meant, making me laugh.

There were times when the woman had watched the closeness of our group, and I had caught the moment smiling. Proud that we are a people could  still relate to the realisation of having someone to care for, and who cared for us.

Laughing I shimmied in his arms. “We only have our kinks to keep us company on dark nights, John… don’t knock them until you try some.” Giving him comedic kissy lips laugh. This was us… where we had come… the distance we had travelled together as friends. We were finding our way back!

His hands around me, brought my face to him and then above the doors, seeing the ride down was coming to its end.

Taking a moment to breathe and gather my willpower. “Here we go. No don’t go screaming if something jumps out at you.” Warning him was funny too.

Straightening up once the elevator came to a still and the door slid open.

•— John —•

I mushed her lips again when she pulled that face and laughed… Just in time too… Sure I was trying hard to be her friend… but wriggling against me like that? I was only human after all. But that face was so comical I laughed… seeing her have this much fun was long overdue.   Today… the night we shared the ice cream… she was smiling again. Laughing. Living. And doing it while taking her pain in stride.

It was all I wanted for her. Well, that and some kind of miracle to take away her pain, at least the pain in her body… the other kind; I wasn't sure either of us would ever fully be rid of that.

“Oh!! So that’s what you do at night?” I teased her. “You volunteering? Because I have roommates… I’m not sure they would appreciate the  𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖 part.” I laughed. Because it was what we did… the weird, utterly  ridiculous pseudo-flirting.

I put a hand on her back until she was on her feet, then let her be. “If something jumps out at me Reyes… I’m tossing you at it and legging it.” I laughed. We both knew there was no way… we were well past that… but I was much too good of a joke not to use it. I had literally been shot at trying to save her from danger… which was kinda fair… considering… well, you know. I actually shot her.

But in the Spirit of… jovial cowardice… I waited in the lift and motioned to her.

“As always, Rey.” I winked. “Ladies first!”

•— Raven —•

“Wait. Volunteering for what exactly?” Looking towards the door and then him. Recognition dawned upon me the moment I said the words, making me grin.

With a flat palm to his face, I playfully pushed his face to the side. “John boy…. You wouldn’t survive the night if I did. So, let’s not pretend you wouldn’t have the time of your life trying to stay alive.”

Pushing off I took two steps back before facing the long dark corridor as the lights began to come on with a loud switch sound as each one came on.

“Now… that’s not going to be a problem at all. I was planning of tripping you over. I don’t need to be fast, just faster than the slowest person. So, good to know neither of us needs to live with the consequences and guilt if the other person is knocked off.”

I knew it was far from the truth. I wouldn’t leave him alone. Not again. Not ever.

“Come on slow coach, we had a ship to explore, and monsters to banish.”

•— John —•

I laughed and licked her palm when she pushed me, trying to bite her finger before she pulled away. “Stop threatening me with a good time, Reyes. We both know you’re all talk.”

“Ouch!!!” I clutched my chest like I was wounded and like I hadn’t said the exact same thing to her. I followed her out of the lift… I froze. The flickering lights along the hallway were a little too like the dream where I was running to find her, and the hallway never seemed to end. I shook my head… I was awake… Raven was right there walking and talking.

I knew that  neither of us would ever leave the other behind again… and despite the vast difference in our feelings for one another; this was for the exact same reasons… we’d come through too much. It wasn’t because I was in love with her that I couldn’t leave her behind… it wasn’t because I kept her alive that she wouldn’t leave me behind. It was because right now… we were keeping each other alive.

I clapped my hands together, swallowing my idiotic thoughts and matching her speed. “Let’s go be monster hunters!” I laughed.

“So, I never saw the waste  disposal on the Ark…. Is it just a giant airlock?” I needed to keep my mind busy.

•— Raven —•

“Shut up, Watcher. One of these days you’ll learn how I’m not all talk. And then you’ll wish it was all a joke!” Giving another once of my shoulder shakes as I walked down the corridor. “Clearly forgotten about the Manson pranks I helped with.” 

Giving him the ‘I’m watching you.’ Gesture with my fingers…

Coming to a stopped I glanced over the doors to either side of the hallway, wondering where to even begin. Until I remembered. “My note book!”

Patting my jump suit, I found it in a back pocket pulling it out. “ Waste disposal? You weren’t even assigned down there? Big shock.” Shaking my head as i thumbed through the pages.

“They wouldn’t have let anyone without hight levels of Clarence down there. Because…” looking over towards him as I spoke. “They turned Trash-to-Gas. It was a good way to use a thermal degradation process to, convert waste items into a gas that the crew could either reuse onboard or dispose of via gas venting overboard the spacecraft. It meant we used absolutely everything and didn’t go  polluting space where possible.” Not adding the fact that they floated people like we were disposable by the end of our life on the Ark. 

Finding the page I was looking for.

“Here we go. Right so on this deck we have:

Transport drop.

Waste disposal  

The Shuttle Control Room

A Landing Pad

Some Workshops… oh I so want to see those…

An Escape Pods and the Cargo Bay… think there may be some more of that ice cream stuff in there?” I asked.

•— John —•

I laughed. I would have said prove it… but she wasn’t what someone would call shy. If she called my bluff I had no idea how I might react. “I’m still hearing nothing but threats of a good time.” I teased. Teasing was safe, teasing was our thing.

I gave her a sultry twirl when she the 𝕖𝕪𝕖𝕤 𝕠𝕟 𝕞𝕖 gesture, giving her a nice little arse wiggle as I did too. “See what you're missing out on Reyes!” I laughed harder now then I coughed. “Geek!” and patted my chest when she took out the notebook.

I scoffed. “They put me on janitorial for my internship, Raven… not that it mattered, I was in the skybox a year later.” I chuckled at her revelation… thinking back on the old movies, they would show sometimes. “Do you think people from before the Cataclysm ever imagined that waste disposal would become a high-security job? They threw everything out all the time.”

I rolled my eyes… because before she mentioned high-level clearance waste disposal sounded like the most boring thing on this level. “But you’ve gotten me all worked up for waste disposal now! You aren’t a tease are you, Rey?” I waggled my brow like I wanted her to say yes and grinned.

•— Raven —•

I didn’t know if John had a death wish, or the need to poke at the bear. But I so wanted to smack his arse when he shook it at me. You got lucky that I was out of reach, and couldn’t be doing to moving in closer just now.

“I’m a proud Geek, thank you so much for  recognising my potential.” Bowing my head, because there was no way I could do a full curtsy.

Closing the notebook, I folded it in half pushing it back into the pocket it came out of.

I actually thought about his question.  “I mean they must have been thinking around it at some point, right?”

Glancing around and then back at him. “There were those, who tried to consume less, and pollute the planet less. They would be happy to see we managed to do more with waste production?” Pointing up.

“I’ve been looking over the inmate files for here... Some of them on here were what they called activists. They went to the extreme to bring action to the dangerous situation the planet was in…. So… you know…”

Shrugging  my shoulders, before I stopped all I was doing and saying, stepping into him with a deadpan expression.

“Oh… John… Murphy… I’m the biggest tease you will ever see.” Poking my tongue out at him and laughing my head off. I knocked my shoulder into his.

“Come on…. Let’s keep walking.”

•— John —•

I knew she going to say that. She was proud of how hard she worked to get where she was and proud of it; as she should be.

“Yeah, I’m sure there were a lot of people trying to fix it. Just not enough of them I suppose…” I scoffed a laugh. “Figures, doesn’t it? Locking people up for trying to save the world.” I shook my head.

“Careful! If there’s a solar flare your face will get stuck like that.” I repeated the thing the grow-ups used to tell us on the Ark when we pulled faces. I followed her down the hallway, there weren’t any doors for a long way. So the rooms down here had to be pretty big. Unlike the other levels with a door every few feet.

“Did you say there was a cargo hold… Like supplies… or whatever they were mining? It would make sense for the mined material to be down here, wouldn’t it? Easier to unload when they land on Earth. My head stayed on the swivel… then moved to Raven to check on how deep her limp was… but when she was in adventurer mode, she seemed to forget her pain… and I wasn’t sure it was a good thing… it had to catch up with her eventually.

“Slow down a little, Rey… this isn’t a race. Unless you're that eager to get out of my company?” I teased; I knew it was ridiculous. She’d decided to go exploring with me at the very bottom of the ship. She had plenty of chances to politely part company… but she had chosen to spend her free time with me.

•— Raven —•

“I’d still be beautiful and more importantly intelligent.” Tapping the side of my head. “Maybe not as intelligent as I was on the island… but I still have a few boom sticks to prove my point.”

Of course… I wouldn’t use explosives on board, and no… I didn’t bring any with me… but the threat was just funny to use now.

Rolling my eyes and slowing my step. There was an underlying sense of urgency whenever I set out to achieve something. Planning… Creating… or exploring. It brought out my inner child.

I smiled remembering how #Finn would go out of his way on days my mom was having a bad time. Finding silly things, he could turn into something mysterious or adventurous, just so I would take him on a hunt around the Ark to find the answers.

Reaching out I curled my arm around Johns, walking step in step with him.

“I don’t know what they kept down here, which is why we’re here. My search so far hadn’t been successful in finding the contents of the hold. But my thoughts were going down the same direction as yours. They were a mining company ship… they were on their way back… so… I would expect a full load?”

I turned my hazel eyes to look at him, playfully punching the arm I held onto. “Sure, this is how I act when I want to get away from someone?” He knew better. He had witnessed me running away! Even joined me at times.

•— John —•

I stopped walking. “Rey… you are way smarter now than you were with the code in your brain… You’re surviving. Not trying to kill yourself in search of some other cause. You are fighting for all of us, but for yourself too. And whatever keeps you alive, will always be the smarter choice.” I shook my head at the words that spilled out without my consent. “Because if you die we are all fucked… And we both know you're beautiful.” I winked at her so she would believe it was just more flirty banter.

Then the last part of what she said dawned on  me. “Let’s not play with boom sticks on the century-old spaceship… at least not until the planet is fit for human habitation again.”

I smiled when she linked her arm around mine and patted her arm, half teasing, half affectionate. “Good plan… you don’t know how to take it easy. This way all you have to do is match your pace with mine.” She explained what she had… or rather hadn’t learned, about the cargo hold. “Damn, now I don’t know if I want to visit the highly restricted waste disposal or the mysterious cargo bay first.”

There were those  bright gold rings around her iris again, beaming at me. I smiled. “It’s my animal magnetism.” I chuckled. “You can’t help but want to be close to me. It’s not your fault… I’m just so gorgeous that you can’t control your subconscious.” I chuckled and we walked until we were  faced with a sign. ‘Cargo Bay with an arrow one way and ‘Waste Disposal’ with an arrow in the opposite direction.

“Decisions, decisions, Reyes… What is it gonna be?”

•— Raven —•

“I know I’m intelligent, Watcher. I… well... you know. I wish I was as fast as I was down there.” Holding my finger in the air. “However, not missing the so-called naps, and the reaper stick.” Laughing now that he’d given me the exact reaction, I’d expected about setting  off the boo. Sticks.

Giving him a deep low and soft sigh before bursting out in laughter. “Animal magnetism? Aren’t you the one who was about to be eaten by the monster in the water? That’s how much the animals were supposedly attracted towards you.”

Right away I buried all of the flashing images and emotions coming rushing at me at 100 mph. What was I even thinking? Actually, this is proof that I wasn’t thinking! Being with him always made me relax, to the point where I didn’t have any guards up, which meant not being able to think clearly.

Shaking my head. “Scratch that… i really don’t want to hear any jokes about you becoming monster bait.”

“Is it really even a debate?” Pointing in the direction of the cargo bay. Come on, John. You want to see what is in there? Think about all the stories a trip in you could inspire you to tell all your new friends?” Those kids were intrigued and besotted by him.

“You know we can see if we could find more treasures and treats!” Why was I even trying to entice him? I just began  dragging him down the corridor, with the lights going out behind us, and more coming on in front.

•— John —•

This was a sentiment that we didn’t share… on the island, the code; it terrified me. “Well, I’m sorry that you miss it… but I can’t pretend I do… every time you came out with another brilliant, unthinkable plan, it frightened me… I thought… this will be the one…” The one that kills you… those words were left unsaid.

I rubbed my arm at the mention of that creepy sea creature. The scar was still thick and gnarly. Not that it was the only one I had… or even the worst. “Yeah, let’s put a hold on the nap talk too, we can save that for a wild night and a sugar crash.”

Before I could even get a word in, she was dragging me down the hallway. I laughed and looked back at the clunks behind me. The lights were switching off behind us. “Well, that's not ominous,” I muttered, looking back. Then I turned my attention  back to Raven. “Cargo bay it is! I laughed, matching my pace to hers… then slowing it, she was practically running again. “Will you slow down for once in your life, woman!” I teased her.

“Also… about that... the kids, I mean… I'm not so sure that we should encourage them to call me Seda.” I remembered the moments before we left the classroom. “It's a term of respect… an honour to the grounders. I don’t think that they would like their children using it with Skaikru… The kids just see someone teaching them numbers they don’t realise the depth of it.

Lights flashed to life ahead of us and I had to blink away the images of my dreams once more. I tightened my arm around Raven’s. I'm reminded myself:

I'm awake.

She's here.

We’re both alive.

She’s here. She’s here.

•— Raven —•

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪…

He didn’t have to complete the sentence, for me to hear, and understand where he is coming from. I knew I messed up the moment I said it. I had been selfish in a way to give life to that thought which I knew was ridiculous. I was on a path towards death when the code was in my head. Each day could have been my last, #Abby had placed John in charge of looking after me while I worked. So, he had a front row seat to the decline of my capacity to maintain my sanity. And now, now I was telling him I missed that time and the opportunity to use the code like some lost lover? What was wrong with Me?

“I’m, sorry! I didn’t mean to romanticise what happened to me. I just….” Then I shook my head. I wouldn’t justify my mistake. So I said “I’m sorry.”

Glancing back with him again, “it’s to save power. It’s one of the main reasons why this ship is in working condition right now. Without anyone away to keep it afloat, things like that.” I pointed back over my shoulder. “Helped the ship going.” Once again, my voice had a note of surprise. “And with such basic coding and software too…. Amazing how it all words together.”

Without realising I’d sped up my pace, but John was right there to slow me down so that I wouldn’t injure myself. I did as I was told, because it would all still be there,  even if it took us five minutes more to reach it.

“Wait… why?” I asked. “Seda means teacher... and if you are teaching them something, then why…” Then I remembered. John had spent more time with the grounders. “You didn’t ask them to call you Seda, John. The children  bestowed the title upon you. I don’t believe it’s disrespectful. But... you tell me. Why do you feel this way?”

Then without warning his hands tightened. “Hey… Watcher…” Placing my other hand over his. “ I’m right here with you… We are together…” Whispering with slow calm breathing.

“Tell me what’s going on?” Concern filling my eyes.

•— John —•

I shook my head. I was ridiculous. Wasn’t I supposed to be learning to do better in my head-shrinking classes… I mean… therapy sessions. “No… I’m sorry, Raven. It happened to you… not me. You should be able to process that in any way you want to.” I pulled myself together. “I was there for most of it, you should and you can talk to me about it.”

“Hmm…” I had turned back to the darkness behind us. It was at least ten feet behind us so it really shouldn’t have mattered… right? I processed her words, at last. “Oh yeah, I know…” She was nerding  out again and I tried to watch her and not the light clicking to life ahead of us and vanishing behind us. I focused on the word #Seda.

“It’s just… It’s used with respected members of their communities, leaders and elders… seasoned warriors that take apprentices… some  like Delano may be okay but others might not take it so well.” I tilted my head. “I’ll talk to #Luna about it… see what she thinks.” She would have the best instincts. “I know the kids don’t mean to disrespect their own people… but the adults might…”

The clunking of the lights slowed as we did. My heart wasn’t as quick to slow its pace.

Her hand was on mine again and… my heart stopped… just for the span of a few beats… or maybe my brain shut down? That seemed more likely because there was my heart again, still hammering away. “Um… did you remember the medical level in the bunker… the room with the…” Where the tank was. Just say the words!

“The lights in the corridor… they were like this… turned on in front and off behind you… My… eh… Sometimes… most times. In my nightmares, I’m in the corridor but the lights just keep flickering on and on and there is no end.” I told her all of this without hesitation… But I couldn’t give her more horrors to add to her dreams, the image of her half-frozen dead body. She had plenty of her own trauma, she didn’t need mine.

“But I’m  okay… Or… I’m almost okay. In my dream I’m alone… I’m now, I’m awake… you are proof of that.” I touched her arm, wanting to assure her that I was going to be fine. “Just keep having your geek attack about energy efficiency…. It's oddly comforting.”

•— Raven —•

I didn’t tell him not to apologise, there was no point. We’d been here before; John and I both knew how to handle guilt. As in we held on to it hard! This was no different. We’d end up giving in and paying lip service, and I didn’t want that for our friendship.

We were going to do this right. It was a promise I would keep and bring him along with me.

When I came out of my thoughts, my eyebrows pulled together at how John’s demeanour had been affected by… what? He was looking over his shoulders. So, I did the same. Glancing back, but no one was there. Nothing looked out of place.

“Uhmm.. yeah…” I agreed with him. “Yeah. Luna would know how to deal with this situation without being offended by what the children have said.” Okay, I understood now where his trepidation stemmed from. I couldn’t handle it anymore; I’d been about to stop him walking. To ask him what was wrong or ask him if there was something down here giving him some form of anxiety. However, John began sharing of his own accord. Without prompting, or questioning, or even threatening  him with a boom stick!

But this is when my heart sank. My feet slowed even further as he spoke and came clean over what was going on in his mind. I was stunned into silence. Parts of his fears came freely, he was sharing, and I was listening without any judgment.

I wanted to drop his hand and draw John into an embrace, to hold my friend and show him I was here. Instead, I squeezed the hand he’d motioned towards. Half smiling, thankful I had made the correct decision when following him out of the makeshift classroom.

This is where I was meant to be. Because I was one or the reasons for this fear of his… Hells!  “I’m not going to give you false hope and say it will pass. But I am going to say… as long as I am breathing, you’ll always have me, and my geeky brain to help draw you free from your nightmares.” And I would do something about these lights, as soon as I knew what and how to work it all.

•— John —•

She stopped and listened, she heard everything I was saying. She always made the time to hear me out. She was going to draw a parallel with that corridor and her crazy, reckless, miracle cure. I didn’t need to add the thought of me finding her body into the mix of her own nightmares.

I gave her a smile and a chuckle. “What more could a man ask for?” Those gold flecks had dulled again, and I shook myself, making a silent promise to light them up again. I knew I couldn’t tell her that she gave me more hope than she knew… that she kept the nightmares away. It wasn’t fair. She had chosen to take a room to herself, she needed her space… because of course, she did, when she was sick, she was monitored twenty-four-seven… By me and the very people I had become dependent on. The people I found myself struggling to survive without one or more of them with me. Raven… alone with her… that was different.

So, no… telling her that she was my human dreamcatcher? Not an option, I couldn’t take her hard-won independence from her. She earned it. She wanted it.

Without thinking I leaned in and brushed a light kiss to her temple and whispered. “I’m glad I have you to rely on.” Because ‘Thank you.’… no, she wouldn’t accept thanks for this, she wouldn’t want it.

But my heart was racing again. And the lights still clunked. We started to walk again; her hand still  in mine, I might have my proof I was awake right here with me… but I wasn’t about to stand still long enough to let that encroaching darkness catch up to us.

‘You know you can always come and find me too, right?… if… the dreams are… well you know.” I squeezed her hand and brushed it with my thumb. “Or maybe we should scrounge up parts for those walkies you made at the drop ship.” I tilted my head… “Would they work in space?” and then I added against and distracting from what was likely the awful idea of that kiss… “Oh my god! You are turning me into a geek now!”

•— Raven —•

I knew there was something else unsaid between us, however I trusted John enough to know when he was ready, he would tell me. Maybe it was the grounder he had feelings for?

Shit! The thought only came to me now? Maybe what John had been trying to do was go see her? And then I tagged along and here he was. In the belly of a ship, in a dark corridor reminding him of his nightmares.

Fuck! I was messing up his life before I could even strengthen our friendship again. Why the hells couldn’t I think without my heart taking over when it  came to him and #Luna?

And I was holding his hand? What if this unnamed girl saw us? Okay.. fine.. she wouldn’t down here.. but what if she saw us in the main ship? What was wrong with me?

My mind was like an apiary, without the honey with just the bees with their stings  out to hit! (Or at least that’s what it felt like from all the information in the archives I gathered.) but who really knew? Miles’s name and Lizzie came to me now……

All the craziness and the thoughts went silent when my friend kissed the side of my head. Making my head go quiet to regroup. My words were my promise to him. I would have his back from this moment forward.

“I know… I know I can come find you and Luna.” But I wasn’t going to. We all had our nightmares to live with, but Luna and John They had such a hard time with theirs. I’d never add to that darkness.

I decided to turn the conversation in a different direction. “You know how I said I got you… there’s a caveat… if you mess with Abby… you’re in your own… I’m not going to get my arse grounded to my quarters because you gave her lip.” Nudging him again as we walked.

“Oh please, you were inducted into the geek squad the day you decided to help me build the distillery back at home. And you know you loved every minute of that day too. So don’t you dare deny it now.” Smiling, because somewhere there he’d found a way to bring me back.

“Well… Technically, yes walkie talkies should work up here. And now that I think of it… Maybe they actually might work somewhat better in space than on Earth, because up here in space there are far few  obstacles obcuring line of sight between the two radios. In essence the sound waves should travel better.”

Coming to a stop before two large metal doors, which looked as though they hadn’t been opened yet. Reading the words out loud.

“ＣＡＲＧＯ ＨＯＬＤ”

•— John —•

She was doing that overthinking thing again… but it was much less scary without that sword dangling over her head. She could think all she wanted and the worst-case scenario was a headache. And possibly her working herself till she fainted… but it was easy to guilt her into eating by telling her she was setting a bad example by skipping rations.

I was about to say that this was completely fair, but then I thought about it… “No deal, Reyes!! I went up against Abby on your behalf a few times! I should get at least one credit for a major screw-up  with Abby.”

I rolled my eyes so hard I swear I heard the muscles straining. “That was just working with my hands… following instructions.” I chuckled. I remembered that day… it was a good day… easy. She was happy, still working but not on something that was going to fry her mind. I wasn’t worried… or I wasn’t as worried as I had been… I just enjoyed being with my friend. “That was a great day…” I smiled… The nightmares were pushed deep into the recesses of my mind by the memories.

“The crew of the ship must have had some kind of communication system other than those tablets, right?” I was thinking of the one Abby gave me for the rations… and how there was a way to send messages between them, the doc had sent me a few regarding changes needed in nutrition for her active patients who were still  recovering.

I stopped in front of the doors with her… “Wow…” They were huge… like tall enough for two people to walk through with one standing on the shoulders of the other and the entire width of the hall.

“What the hell were they keeping in here that the needed doors this big? They were mining on a meteor, right? They were hardly using heavy machinery…” I was thinking out loud now. I motioned to the keypad… “Do you have the code?” I knew she did…she had all the codes.

•— Raven —•

My lips curled up into a big smile. See… we could do this… we could find our way back to the good medium we had reached in the manor.

“Why do you always want to fight me and batter for everything I’m not willing to give you, Watcher?” Rolling my eyes to pretend like I was  actually thinking about it before offering… “fine. One major screw up and as a gesture of goodwill, I’ll throw in a minor repair if you mess up too?”

Nodding my head. “Yeah, there is still a lot of techs we haven’t had a chance to look at. We were on kind of a time crunch.” And that still has taken me too long to get back down to my friends and the people on Earth. I pushed those thoughts down. They were for my nightmares. Not now.

“You do know me, right? Of course I have the codes.” Waggling my shoulders and eyebrows teasing him. For a moment, we needed to take the laughs where we found them. Or at least it’s what I told myself.

Shrugging my shoulders at his question on, what was on this ship. “The full picture was painted for the curiosity of the council, and sure I’d done some digging when Griffin wasn’t happy to trust the crew who survived. But I didn’t find anything out of the ordinary… well… in the official logs anyway.” However, there was a growing sense of concern growing in the pit of my stomach.

“Why do we always expect the worst from these situations?” I asked before stepping up to the keypad to punch in the master code #Miles has shared with me.

“If anything was off, we wouldn’t have been given a free run to do what we like on this ship, right?”

Did Raven just say John made the right decision???

@ToldUIdSurvive & @LittleBirdRey

#Stargazer & #Watcher #OKTO #The100 #The100RP #RavenReyes #JohnMurphy

•— Raven —•

“No COMMENT!”

•— John —•

"Hey!! You said it and I have proof!"

•— Raven —•

 “I think you are hallucinating.” Nodding my head once.

•— John —•

“I mean…. Kinda sounds like something I’d do… but in this case, I'm certain I'm right.”

•— Raven —•

“Are you? Are you absolutely certain though?”

•— John —•

"Absolutely!! Without a doubt!"

•— Raven —•

“Still feels like you could be wrong.”

•— John —•

“Just give me the win on this one Reyes!”

Flashing the baby blues at her.

•— Raven —•

“Where is the fun in the easy win, Murphy?”

Batting my lashes for the laughs.

•— John —•

Laughing.

“Can't blame a guy for trying.”

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head.

“Sure we can. Want me to start right now?”

•— John —•

Cocks my head to the side and leans against the wall with a shrug.

"I've gotta a little time... Go ahead. Get started."

Smirks, not watching that sexy little wiggle she had going on at all.

•— Raven —•

“Hells, John. You just took all the fun out of it. What’s the point when you want me to do it.”

Huffing with laughter.

•— John —•

I cupped my hand around my ear and leaned in her direction…

“0h… did you here that! That was the sound of a John Murphy victory. Stargazer!”

I laughed along with her.

•— Raven —•

“Whoa there in a moment! How is it a victory for you, Watcher? I’m standing here trying to be nice. And you’re stealing my kindness for a win? Rude!”

•— John —•

“If you were being nice you would have given me the win when I asked for it! But I made you laugh… so now I win anyway.”

Nods matter-of-factly.

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head. “No… if I had handed you such an easy win. You would have doubted it. Because when have I ever let you win without a fight? So… see.. I was being nice.”

•— John —•

“Now you're just flirting, Reyes.”

•— Raven —•

Blinks. “What? Me? No!“

Groans. “Nope. Not even a little.”

•— John —•

“Oops..." Smiles. “My mistake.”

•— Raven —•

“Glad we clarified it.” Noting the smile.

“You can stop smiling because you know….”

•— John —•

“Oh me too.... But my way would be far more enjoyable.”

•— Raven —•

“Because you’re planning on stripping for everyone up here too?”

Thinking back to a night in the mansion when we all had a little too much wine.

•— John —•

“Nah... But if you'd like another private show....”

Waggles my brows.

“Just say the word.”

•— Raven —•

Raising my eyebrow, and elbowing him in the stomach.

“Now who is the one flirting? All talk and no action.”

•— John —•

I nudged her right back with my shoulder. “I told you… if you want another look at the goods… you gotta ask!”

•— Raven —•

Blinking at him. “Excuse me. I never took a look the first time. Eye contact was maintained at all times.”

•— John —•

“Well... That’s a shame!”

Smiles... “But... I can't blame you... I've been told I have great eyes.”

•— Raven —•

Stepping up close making sure to maintain eye contact I soften my voice.

“Uhm.. you know what… wow… you’re so right.”

•— John —•

I made a point of not breaking eye contact.

“Am I?” I leaned in a little closer. “Do you need a closer look to be sure?”

•— Raven —•

Hells, was this backfiring on me?

“Uhmm… it can’t hurt, right?”

Tilting my head up acting like I needed a better look.

•— John —•

My fingers twitched by my sides, wanting… needing to be pressed ever so gently to her cheek… which of course was out of the question.

“They say eyes are the window to the soul… so maybe it could.” My voice was too soft. “Or maybe it’s where we find each other's broken pieces.”

•— Raven —•

Why in hells did what he just said make my cheeks burn? Taking in a slow deep breath, I bite the corner of my lips.

“You need to be careful, we wouldn’t want those windows broken.”

Swallowing, I made myself take a step back to punch his arm hard. “Your arm, however. It’s a game.”

•— John —•

I was pretty sure mine were well and truly shattered. But I chuckled when she punched my arm.

“Are you blushing, Stargazer?”

I smiled... Feeling a little victorious she looked away first.

•— Raven —•

“Me? No…are you?”

I stepped away from him to turn my back and rub my face with the back of my hand.

“I think we are coming back to that hallucinating thing again.”

•— John —•

I chuckled softly, yeah... she was blushing.

"Me?" I mirrored her answer. "Absolutely, yes. But hallucinating? I don't think so... not this time."

•— Raven —•

I turned back to face him with my eyebrows raised.

“Wait a minute. Why are you blushing?” Was that a thing now? John Murphy blushing?

•— John —•

I smiled and gave her a quick wink.

"You started it... So you tell me?"  I teased.

•— Raven —•

“Me?” Placing my hand on my chest in surprise. “What did I start?”

•— John —•

“All of it.” I chuckled

“You brought up how pretty my eyes were... You moved in for a closer look... You blushed first... It's all you Reyes.”

•— Raven —•

“I…” frowning while trying not to laugh. I lower my voice into a slow sound.

“But your eyes are so pretty… like the ocean without the sea monster.” Fighting the curve of my lips.

•— John —•

I laughed at the sea monster comment but never looked away. “See... That's just not fair...” I licked my bottom lip.  “I can't say anything like that about yours because they’re trying to be three colours all at once.”

•— Raven —•

My attention flicked for a breath to his lips before returning to his eyes again. I tilted my head a little because they looked a different shade of blue now.

“Who said anything about being fair?” My cheeks flushed, why the hells would he pay attention to my eyes? Closing them and covering them with one hand.

“I know, You cannot tell me what colour my eyes are.”

•— John —•

I bit the inside of my cheek, there was no way that flicker of her eyes was what I thought it was. No way. I was imagining things.

I laughed softly... If I had an inkling of artistic talent I could paint her eyes from memory. But I couldn't tell her that for the same reason she couldn't have looked at my mouth a second ago.

"Mostly they are brown, they get darker when you're angry or in pain. When you're inspired or emotional they brighten and there are little hints of gold right in the centre and when you're happy... like right now, it looks like there is a ring of amber around the edges that make it look like there's a light been switched on behind them."

I smirked keeping my gaze fixed on her where our eyes would meet when she dropped her hand. "Am I close?"

•— Raven —•

It was my mouth which dropped before my hand fell too, leaving me gazing back into his baby blue eyes now.

“That…” my mind worked to find the words and then I gave up and laughed. “Was a lot of information… things I’m sure you’ve made up just to make yourself sound intelligent. How in the burning hell would I know if my eyes changed colour when I was in pain, or angry? And I didn’t have a mirror to see what colour they were right now too.”

•— John —•

And there they were again, those bright, stunning eyes, a shade more gold now that her mind was racing to figure out if I was right or not.

“Maybe we should ask and independent party...” I quirked a brow. “Should we go find Jasper?” I chuckled. I wasn't about to mention #Shaw. “Or Monty! That would make him so uncomfortable and it would be fun to watch him squirm.”

•— Raven —•

Narrowing my eyes at him, he was doubling down. Or he was telling the truth? Either way, I needed to know.

“The first person we see.” I say walking backwards towards the door. “There has to be someone walking these corridors other than the two of us.”

Waving my hand. “Come on”

•— John —•

I chuckled and followed her. I little concerned about the walking backwards thing... "If you're trying to call my bluff it's not gonna work." I smirked.

When we were in the hall I gripped her shoulders lightly and turned her to face the direction that she was heading. "Because I'm not bluffing."

•— Raven —•

Turning to face the correct direction, I pulled a face at him. “You know there's not much I wouldn’t believe…”

Missing a step I rubbed my hip, correcting myself without an incident. “However, now you are trying to mess with my head.”

Was he calling my bluff, his bluff, our bluff? Are there any bluffs here at all? “Hells. I don’t even remember how we got here, but we are seeing it through.”

•— John —•

I noticed the small stumble and even though something inside me cried out to wrap my arm around her waist and take some of her weight, the rest of me knew that she had this. She was tough and independent and she didn't always need help.

"Trying..." I scoffed. "Please... you're running through the hallway looking for a stranger to ask them what colour your eyes are..." I smiled at her. "I'm not trying... I'm winning.  I have your head totally spinning, Stargazer."

•— Raven —•

Halting my foot steps I spun to face him. “Ahah! You are messing with my head. You just admitted it! John Fucking Murphy… You’re starting a war you know I will not give up on.”

Pointing down the corridor where I could hear foot steps. “And right there… there comes a non-biased individual who I am sure will help us.”

Okay fine, my inner demon who loves to win was awake now.

•— John —•

“It wasn’t my goal...” I snickered. “Just a pleasant side effect of the truth.”

I heard the footsteps... And I knew it was going to be #Shaw, there wasn't a doubt in my mind... When I saw the military uniform my heart sank.

‘Well, well.... Look who finally made up!’ A woman’s voice drew my attention to her face.

“Lizzie!!!” I breathed a sigh of relief. “You have no idea how good it is to run into you.”

‘Aw... I know... But I've told you before sweetie... Your pretty but you’re not my type...’ She winked. ‘Why do you two look like you’re on a mission?’

•— Raven —•

I gave John a push to move out of the way, smiling as I did so. I hopped up to #Lizzie’s side and squeezed her arm.

“Don’t listen to him, I am the one on a true mission.” Not commenting on her evaluation of our walking together as making up. Because we had, right? -- ‘okay…’ she glanced between the two of us.

“I need you to look into my eyes.” Pulling her into me, and pushing my face up close and personal to hers.

‘Raven, back in my day. A girl asked for dinner first.’ She was laughing and looking confused.

“You can have my dry food okay? Now look into my eyes.”

She glanced to John as to say, ‘what’s  going on?’ Before looking at me.,

‘Do you have something in your eyes? Do you need me to help—‘

“No, no.. what colour would you say my eyes are? Do you see them changing? Are they.. well, you tell me!”

•— John —•

I stepped to the side… maybe she had given me a nudge too…. maybe. I chuckled at a #Lizzie as she looked at Raven like she was losing her mind.

‘Um…’ Lizzie looked at me… looking to be saved, I shook my head. I wasn’t going to give her any hints. ‘Okay… you two are weird. I can work with weird.’ She shook her head and leaned in to look at Raven’s. ‘Eh… Hazel… You know, funny fact, people always say Hazel eyes are brown and green but it's actually a polygenic anomaly that means you can have brown, green, amber… all at once.’

“Nerd!” I pretended to cough to cover the word.

#Lizzie punched my arm. Hard! “Ouch!!” I glared at her.

‘Alright, then lover boy… what do you see when you gaze into her eyes…’ she raised a brow and folded her arms over her chest like she had me over a barrel.

I just smiled and said. “Stars…” Pausing for effect… “Dozens of little gold stars.”

Lizzie took Raven's chin and tilted her face up to look again… ‘Whoa…’ She looked fascinated… ‘Yeah… I…’ then she looked at me. ‘Why do all the good ones have a Y chromosome?’ She sighed.

•— Raven —•

What… was going on? How had things gone so head over tits without me even seeing it?

Polygenic anomaly? What was wrong with Hazel? Simple just like me. I have hazel eyes. But the two of these had other plans.

And then I heard it ‘Lover Boy’, wait. John was seeing someone? -- Hells that boy worked fast, he had been acting all put out by the number of souls on the ship, meanwhile he’d been working his magic?

It made me smile a little. He deserves it… right? That was what I felt? Yeah… hundred percent. My friend deserves happiness.

“Wait.. what did you just say?”

Pulling myself out of the thoughts.

‘He said Stars… he sees stars in your eyes.’ Her eyes were still trained on me. Then She pulled back reaching over to pull at one of his cheeks. ‘Yeah… you both are weird. A good kind.’

•— John —•

I chuckled, not answering Raven’s question until I’d smiled at Lizzie. “You've been very helpful Lizzie, thank you.”

She nudged me with her elbow and gave me a go-get-em tiger wink before she walked off waving one hand without looking back. ‘See you later, weirdos!’ she said and I knew it was a compliment.

“See... That one I like.” I smirked at Raven.

“So... I guess that means I'm right, right?”

•— Raven —•

“Wait….” I called out “do they change colour?” The sound of her laughter came, one more wave, and she turned the corner out of sight.

“Hells…” rubbing the side of my head, my hair was up too tight. “Uhm? Oh… do you really? You don’t like anyone!” My eyes remained on the spot were she had disappeared.

“No… She just said…” he had won. #Lizzie had said the same as he did, in a round about way.

“Fine. Fine. You win this one.”

•— John —•

“I mean… don’t tell her I said that…” I shrugged. “It was a tough start but she’s growing on me.” I grinned at Raven again her eyes a shade darker now, but still bright. “And there are a small few I like.” Then I started walking again glancing back to see if she was going to follow.

“So… what’s my prize?”

•— Raven —•

“Guess I didn’t make the cut.” Muttering it to myself with a half smile. We found ourselves on a rocky road, however someday. We would maybe find the way back to what we once had, right?

Crossing my arms over my chest, my eyes followed as he began to go in the same direction as #Lizzie.

“Well, as we didn’t agree to the prize first. You get to ask for it. What do you want?”

I didn’t have much up here to give, but I was certainly sure he would find something he wanted from what we did have.

Rubbing my hip, slowly I started walking after him.

•— John —•

I strained to make out what she said. But if she'd wanted me to hear it she would have made sure I did.  I slowed to a stroll when I saw she was hurting.

"The mind boggles..." I smiled mischievously at her and turned to face. Standing only inches away... My eyes were on hers, again.

They were darker now... and only minutes ago; she'd been happy and joking. It stung something deep inside me. The smile faded to a more serious expression. "I want ten questions, and they all need to be answered fully, unguarded and without holding back." Asking for honesty was unnecessary, that was hardwired into Raven even when it shouldn't be. She was uncompromising when it came to the truth.

•— Raven —•

My body came to an abrupt stop, the tips of my boots stopping shy of hitting him, managing to keep my body from slamming into him too.

My eyes found him looking concerned. The explosion which had been light and bright now much darker.

What was he about to ask for? I wondered. There it was, the John Murphy I’d grown to know. My lips curved a little into a smile.

“This isn’t a prize, John. When have you known me not to be honest, and unguarded? I’m sure you have witnessed me being told to learn to hold back a little.” I shrugged my shoulders as I spoke.

“However, fine… ten questions… up close, true to their core, honest and without holding back.”

This prize I had no issues with this. How bad could these questions be? And what could he possibly want to know, that he didn’t know after our time on the island?

•— John —•

I chuckled a little deviously. “I know it sounds easy but just remember you need to answer completely, to the point of overkill… let’s pick an example… Say I ask you how much pain you are in… you’d not only have to tell me why you’ve been rubbing your hip for the last ten minutes but if you have a headache… stubbed your toe… or if you have a hangnail that’s been bugging you.” I kept my gaze on hers, waiting to see if the depth of my request sank in.

•— Raven —•

The look on his features should be setting off alarm bells, anyone with half a brain cell would turn and run.

“Hang nail?” That had to be a joke, right?

However, if we face facts. This is John Murphy, the Watcher… details were the one thing he didn’t miss. Wait… realisation, dawns on me. He’d been watching me? I hadn’t even thought about rubbing my hip, or about the pain that was a daily occurrence. But he had. 

“Hells…” I whispered….

“How many questions did I agree too?”

•— John —•

I smiled… watching the realisation sink all the way into her always busy mind. It was then that I realised I needed to use these questions in a way that wouldn’t be abusing her trust or taking advantage of her.

“Ten.” I answered her… “And I plan on saving them for when I need them the most.”

•— Raven —•

“Saving them?” Of course, John Murphy found a loophole.

“Wait, that wasn’t the deal. You can’t just save them for when you need or want them!” There were no rules set to say otherwise.

“Hells! You’re going to keep them for years! Aren’t you?”

•— John —•

I laughed and shook my head. “Please! Like I have years ahead of me?” I was highly likely to be floated before we ever made it back to earth...

“But I’d say it will last a few months or so.”

•— Raven —•

I looked over at him in confusion. “Why have you gone and made plans that the rest of us need to worry about?”

Was he joking and pulling my leg now? Or had I missed something else?

•— John —•

“No plans.” I patted her shoulder reassuringly. “But we never know how much time we have, right? No point in letting it slip away...” then I smirked “At least... Not too much.”

•— Raven —•

I elbowed him in the side as he patted my shoulder. “Could you for once, just - I don’t know… make plans for something more than a day or a week away? Give us something to live for, maybe?”

•— John —•

I smiled at her... "Okay... First night back on earth..." I made a strong effort not to say if we get there. "We slip away and find somewhere to sleep where we can see the stars. It won't be the rose garden... but we can remember that night. That's worth living for isn't it?"

•— Raven —•

My heart felt a joy and a stab all at once.

“You remember the rose garden?” Uncertain why, however, I didn’t think it would be the first thing he’d say.

I looked across to him, nodding my head slowly. “It’s a deal. Shame we won’t have any of that wine Becca had hidden away.”

•— John —•

I smiled and chuckled softly. “I’m the one that brought you there remember?” The gold was back, glinting in her eyes but there was still a darkness there.

But I had a way to lift that. “But I wouldn’t be so sure about that last part.” She really should have looked through that bag I had shown her stashed under the bed we kept ready for her if she ever chose to come home.

•— Raven —•

“Of course, I know you were the one to bring me there, I just didn’t think it was something you would remember.”

So much had happened between us, to us. I didn’t think… well… you know… but it was safely locked away in my bank of memories.

The memories which came to an abrupt halt.

“John… Murph!” My eyes light up because something in my soul lights up like the northern star. “You didn’t have time to pack away bottles of wine! Did you?”

•— John —•

"I'll never forget that night Raven..." I laughed, remembering how was snuck through the mansion like misbehaving children playing spy games. We knew that no one would care... I honestly couldn't remember a time before that I had 𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕪𝕖𝕕 like a kid...  at least not after I got sick and caused the deaths of my parents.

"I had four days, Rey... we kept those lights on for you for four nights, or three and a half... but I told you. I searched the house and packed some things I knew you would want to keep. They're under your bed... in the bag, I had your music player in."

•— Raven —•

The smile that had begun to show on my lips disappeared abruptly.

Four days…. Hells…. I had left them there to wait for four days before I could make it back.

My stomach turned at the thought, of how #Jasper, #Luna and he had been when we found them.

“Yeah… I guess.” pushing the sensation of heat stinging behind my eyes.

“The music player was a good catch.” Swallowing back the bile rising in my throat, while trying to sound easy.

•— John —•

I saw the darkness creeping up on her again. "Raven." I planted myself in front of her and put myself directly in her line of sight.

"We've talked about this. You did what you had to, to save all of the people on this ship right now. You have to stop torturing yourself..." Then I smiled. "And you're totally missing the point... I saved a bottle of wine from #Becca's Mansion... and a few things I know will put a smile on your face if you ever want to take a look at it."

•— Raven —•

It was hard to avert my gaze when those baby blue eyes were giving me no place to run.

“I…” swallowing again. “I know we have, but..” I shrugged my shoulders trying to put it into words. “It’s not easy. To let go of it. Not when I saw the three of you.. that way.”

His smile made my hand move but I stopped it. What in hells was I about to do?

Shaking my head. “You were busy gathering all that time?” Part of me wanted to know what he had thought I would want to save.

“Just give them to me as we go. When you think I need it the most.”

•— John —•

"I think you need to talk to #Luna and #Jasper about it too, Rey. None of us would change how it happened. It was the only way to save as many people as you did." My eyes flickered at the way her hand moved... normally I would think she was going to push me away... But this wasn't that kind of conversation.

"In that case..." I smiled. "Come with me."  nodded towards the hallway leading to our room.

•— Raven —•

It was on my list of things to accomplish. I hadn’t expected that he and I would be the first to mend our broken bridges. Yet here we were.

“Yeah I know, I’d planned on it. But I just haven’t managed it so far, with Jasper helping Monty out. Add keeping Luna clear.” My gaze moved to the corridor he now led me towards. “What is this, walked a length of the ship day?”

Yet I turned in the direction he pointedly started down.

•— John —•

“#Luna doesn't do that... But what does do... Is wait. Patiently.” I chuckled. “It's fucking annoying.”

I kept my pace nice and easy. “No, today is give-Raven-a-gift day. So stop complaining and get curious.” I flashed her a cheeky smile.

•— Raven —•

Parting my lips, because that came out wrong. But then I stopped myself. There was no point now.

Shaking my head. “Now… Get me, my gift, Watcher. I’ll even smile when you give it to me.” I joked, making myself smile now.

•— John —•

She was keeping something to herself... but hadn't we moved past all of that? I let it go, just because it was #Luna and I knew that everything there would be fine, As soon as the two were stood in a room together.

"And now look at who is impatient!" I laughed and opened the door to our room (It was Raven's too... even if she wasn't sleeping here).

"But no peeking since I now have permission to pass this stuff out on an as-needed basis." I knelt next to her bed and reached under it, opening the bag without pulling it out.

•— Raven —•

“Is it impatience though? Why can’t it just be excitement, or dread, or irritability, or…” The list was endless, however watching John push the code to open their room door made me stop.

I wasn’t encroaching on the three of their privacy. He’d told me the code... well, more like he had made me guess it. And they had set it to the same digits as mine… 6 5 8 6.

Following behind I came to a stop just inside the doors letting John move freely around their room.

My eyes drifted to the bed he had told me was mine… they had; even after everything made space for me. But I couldn’t… I still couldn’t step back into that place.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to trust them. I did. With my life. But my heart… it had too many knocks to deal with any more just now.

I turned myself to face the door. “See I’m not going to look. Now come on man.”

•— John —•

I had noticed how she lingered by the door, but I wasn't going to tell her again she was as welcome here as Luna, Emori and I were. It would come with time.

I hoped.

"A little dread is always advisable." I chuckled and pulled out one of the books. Then I looked up at her stood there facing the hallway and pulled out the rest of the leather-bound books. some of them were identical but there were a few that were bigger, thicker... a mix of black and brown. All in various stages of wear and tear.

I walked back across the room and closed the door from where I stood behind... close enough to catch the scent that made my mouth go dry, the scent of her.

"Turn around." I said and held out the stack of nine journals.

•— Raven —•

“Of course, you would say that, if you don’t feel some form of dread in the day, had the day even begun?”

Teasing him little heartedly; gave that sensation of how things used to be on the Island. When we’d help one another, and annoy the crap out of each other too. The doors slid closed, and I turned around smiling and then stopped.

I froze in astonishment.

“Those….” I hadn’t moved but my eyes had widened as they moved down and counted nine… “you… how???” How did he know? “John?” My voice cracked I was still frozen in place. John Murphy, at a time when death knocked on his front door, had gathered nine of #Becca’s journals.

These books had become a comfort to me over the time we had been on the island. Reading her words had given me the confidence to fight, to learn and to… well… know that she was exceptional just as I’d imagined her to be.

“John—” my voice was but a whisper. I held my arms out for him to place them on me.

•— John —•

"See!!" I laughed. "You get it!"

I watched her reaction taking in every expression and blink of those incredible eyes... how her mouth moved when she was lost for words... Nope!!! I had to shut that down.

"This was all I could find in the mansion. I'm sorry I didn't think to bring the ones that were in her office in the lab... once we got back to the mansion I just..." I couldn't face going back there without her. I smiled. "I didn't want to be underground and miss your triumphant return," I said instead... but that was also true.

"I know we never quite agreed on #BeccaFranco.... but I know how much she means to you." At some stage after I handed over the books I had wrapped a strand of hair that had come to rest over her shoulder from her signature ponytail around my fingers. I dropped it quickly and stuffed my hands in my pockets before I did something really stupid.

•— Raven —•

I shook my head, repeatedly still in the midst of processing what it was he gave me. The weight of the books in my arm broke me out of the delusion that this could be nothing more than a dream.

“Please… don’t apologise…” finally my words came. “This is the best gift… you could have given me. I thought these were lost to me for good. My mind is… it’s blown.”

With the books in my arms, I attempted to shuffle them to one arm and half-hug John with the other.

“Thank you… thank you so much.”

•— John —•

I laughed a little when I realised she was trying, awkwardly, to hug me... "I'm glad." I put one arm in hers supporting the weight of the books as I returned her one-armed hug.

"You're welcome, Stargazer." I whispered, resting my cheek against her hair for a second. Then I moved back and found her gaze. "I was going to give you one at a time... but that seemed cruel considering how fast you read."

•— Raven —•

His laughter was contagious, soon I found myself in the same state laughing along with him.

When our eyes met I gave him the most genuine smile. This man had given me a gift that would keep me occupied for the entire time we were up here.

“I’m not sure if you would have been able to. You know after you handed over book two, I’d have worked out you have more. And we know I’d have found them.”

I waggled my brows at him, clasping them all now in both hands.

“And it doesn’t matter if I’ve read them all, I will read them again and again.”

•— John —•

I chuckled again... the light in her eyes holding my focus. Okay, maybe that smile pulled my focus every few seconds.

"Damn... If I'd known it was this good of a gift maybe I should have saved it and used it as blackmail somewhere down the line." I smiled, wondering if she knew that there wasn't a single thing in that bag I would ever leverage to her. It was hers anytime she wanted it and it would be here waiting for her if she decided she wasn't going to wait for me to give her whatever was left.

"I have no doubt you'll have them read twice over in a week."

•— Raven —•

Still smiling my eyes narrowed, moving the books onto one arm I punched him in the arm jokingly.

“And you were doing so well until then.” He would, or at least the John on #Becca’s island wouldn’t have done so. And I wanted to believe that he was the one here who stood before me.

“Really, Watcher. Thank you.” Hugging the books to my chest I took a few steps towards the door. “These have made my day. I’m going to get them back to mine before I drop them.”

•— John —•

I shrugged like I was accepting defeat. Should’ve stopped while I was ahead right?” I teased. But her eyes were still bright, so I knew I was still doing this right… for once. Finally.

“Do you need an escort? For all we know there are all kinds of untold secrets in those pages. I don’t mind playing bodyguard.” I grinned, teasing. But the offer to walk her to her door was genuine.

•— Raven —•

“Next time, Watcher you’ll know when to stop.” I now laughed shaking my head.

My hand pushed the button to open the door and it slid open with a little pull on the mechanism. Making a note to come back to fix that for them.

Half turning my head back at his offer. “You are in your room, John. I’m not going to ask you to walk all the walk across to mine. You nee—” Stopping when what he said about being alone came back.

“Where are the girls? Will they be back soon?” I still needed to memorise everyone’s schedules once they were tied in.

•— John —•

"Nah." I quirked a brow. "Where's the fun in that?"

"I don't mind walking with you if you..." I instinctively glanced back into the room. "Oh, They'll be around soon... They haven't been assigned a work detail because of the tensions with the grounders. #Luna spends her time with #Harper, helping out with the kids and #Emori goes on work detail with #Jasper. I don't like the idea of them being on their own when I'm working." I tilted my head then... realising what she meant.

"They don't leave me alone for long. So I'll either be walking you back or... I'll go find one of them."

•— Raven —•

Keeping the smile on my face but my heart kind of hurt. How did I not know any of that? #Emori, fine. We weren’t really so close. However, #Luna?

They had all found their place, and I truly was happy about it.

“Okay.” I said keeping my voice light. “Well, thank you.” Holding the book up. “These will be great company.”

I would have something to do when the night got too dark and sleep-deprived.

•— John —•

I realised she hadn't answered my question... because I hadn't actually asked one.

"As long as you don't forget to sleep." I teased. "So... Stargazer. What's it gonna be? Want me to play the big strong bodyguard? Or just take care of the heavy lifting and you can protect me?" I motioned to her stack of books.

•— Raven —•

This earned John an eye roll. “Sleep is priority number one.” Okay, the sarcasm came out a little stronger than planned.

“Aren’t you sick of me yet?” Handing over half of the books in my arms. “How about we do a little of both jobs? Because let’s be honest—” thinking things through, I knew it was unlikely however…” On second thoughts..” setting all the books in his hands. “You carry them, if needed you can run to my cabin because you’re a few steps faster. And I’ll fight off the army of… unknown warriors..” The tongue and cheek of it all, had me fighting back my laughter.

•— John —•

I laughed and took the books. “Sick of YOU? Is that even possible?” I grinned and stroked her ego (Well.. if she even had one… maybe when it came to her intelligence, but not much else.) I knew that she struggling with sleep… so was I.

I chuckled again and took the rest of the books.

“You want me to abandon you and protect the diaries?” I coughed to cover the word “GEEK!” And patted my chest like it was a real cough.

•— Raven —•

I rolled my eyes at his so-called attempt to hide his contention.

“Really? We are dipping so low now? You’re stroking an ego that is non-existent? Where are the snappy comebacks putting me in my place?”

I elbowed him a little softly at the badly hidden word. “There is nothing wrong in being a Geek I will have you know. This geek for one is damn proud.”

I wasn’t going to use the joke I had on Earth. It would be about the number of times I saved his arse… but now… it left a sour taste in my mouth.

•— John —•

I laughed, really laughed. Again! It was getting easier and easier now... “It was a test.” I teased. “The fact you didn't immediately answer ‘yes of course it is!’ means you failed.”

I knew the prospect of a fail grade even as a joke would bug her. I doubt she ever got less than one hundred on a test.

“You should be proud; smart people are sexy as hell.” I said without stopping to think. I waited to see if the compliment threw her as I followed her to her room.

•— Raven —•

“Hey… Hey… Hey…” following up with my hand in the air. “That’s just going too far now. I have NEVER failed in class and Nor do I plan on it.” The teasing there, kind of. I mean it was true and the thought of failing maybe doing things to my tummy.

Then I heard it, his laughter filled the corridor. The smile on my lips grew after seeing and hearing him. The twinkle in his eyes had returned. It hit like the air on my face the first day I landed on earth.

Snapping myself out of it I laughed with him too. It was contagious to the point when two whispering grounders rushed by, I just waved at them. I earned myself a grimace, and I didn’t care.

“Hells yeah we are, we are as sexy as they come. You should see how we party!”

Tugging at my ponytail and dusting my shoulders off I did a little dance.

•— John —•

There it was! I laughed harder. “It’s so easy to rile you up sometimes.” I teased her, not giving her a break at all. She was laughing with me and It was so clear that we had both needed it, but I didn’t let myself linger on that thought in case the reasons why, became intrusive. I chuckled at the confused grounders. “I guess some people are just determined to be miserable.”

I watched the sexy little wiggle and tried to hide a riot in my stomach by clearing my throat loudly. “So humble.” I continued to tease her. “Is that an invitation, Stargazer? How could I possibly say no?”

•— Raven —•

“Shh…” tugging to pull him along. “They may hear you.”

I continued to laugh because it felt so good. Being with a friend, being able to joke, tease, and know that nothing would come of it but the happy tears rolling down my cheeks right now. Hells, I missed this and him. “An invitation? To what? My sorry one person party with a stack of books?” Shaking my head. “You can do better I am sure. You’ll be making friends with the young grounder girls soon enough to really party hard.”

•— John —•

I laughed and let her pull me down the hallway faster. Her cheeks were damp but applied from her wide smile, those tears didn't cause me any pain.

"Rude!!" I gasped, jokingly. "Threatening a guy with a good time and then backing out when he accepts?" I quirked a brow. "Tease!" I used the arm she tugged me along with to turn her around. Wiping away those happy tears with my free hand, without saying a word about them.

"I have more girls in my life now than I ever had before... And that is more than enough thank you very much."

•— Raven —•

I spun on my feet to face him, my eyes glazed with moisture and laughs still escaping from the joking.

“Fine. Fine. Come. Party. Let’s see how much fun it will be with just the one jar of shine that is meant to last us five years, or until Jasper does his thing.” I was certainly expecting a new batch to show up if that boy got his way.

Smiling as I wiped at my face I gave him an eye roll. “Sure sure. You say that now.” I didn’t push the topic. We all had way too much on our plates. At least I did. Work was all I needed right now.

•— John —•

I laughed and shook my head. “Unless he can use MREs to make it I don't have much hope.”

I said nothing about her comment... Relationships needed trust... Fuck that... One-night stands needed trust, just less of it. But there was no way I was letting anyone else in... And no way I could tell her that there was only one person I could ever trust in that way.

“C’mon.” I started walking towards her room again. “Let's get this precious cargo delivered safely”

•— Raven —•

“Are you saying you don’t have skills? I think our poor Jas would be highly disappointed in your assessment of him.”

Without thinking I started right after him. “Yes, we need to hide the precious cargo. I still cannot believe they are really here.”

The rest of the walk I couldn't stop myself from smiling. Hells I couldn’t understand how I actually remembered to do it.

•— John —•

“Actually…. You know what… tell him!” I laughed. “Might be the motivation he needs.”

The rest of the walk is quiet but… happy. The smile on her face… hell! Every time I tore my eyes from her I found them wondering back.

At her door I almost reached to type in her code… or, 𝕠𝕦𝕣  code... If, in fact, she’d chosen similarly. I stopped myself. Not my room. I leaned casually against the wall by her door and waited for her to do it herself.

•— Raven —•

Not until we turned the corner towards my room did nerves begin to present themselves, but why? I had no explanation at all.

My fingers pressed the digits on the key pad. 6586.. and waited for the doors to smoothly slide open without a sound.

Shifting on my feet, I felt the need to explain myself.

“When I can’t sleep, I’ve been working quietly on fixing things up.” Pointing to the door as I waved him to come on in.

He’d been here before, right? I couldn’t remember. And it wasn’t some aftermath of the code, it was the lack of sleep playing with my head.

I stood to the side, shifting again. I knew I had been given one of the officer's rooms, as much as I’d fought the fact that I didn’t need the space, it somehow now sat full of different piles of equipment.

Some things were fixed waiting to be returned and others waiting in clean areas for work to be done.

“You can place them on the table beside the couch.” I said.

The room was in order and clean, however, it looked like a workspace and not a home like he, #Luna, and #Emori had somehow managed to make theirs feel.

•— John —•

I focused my eyes on the top journal as she punched in the code. I hadn't planned to go in, I knew she needed her own space these days. But when she waved me in I couldn't resist the temptation to see the space she was living in.

"Whoa..." I looked around at all the things... Literally all the things... "Are you sure these parts shouldn't be in the ship... you know... keeping us alive?" It was obviously a rhetorical question. She would never remove something vital from the ship.

I set the books on the small table she told me to and turned in a slow circle.

Everything in the room was neat and even the machine parts were clean. "Have you slept at all since we've been on board?"

•— Raven —•

Pulling the zipper to my jumpsuit down to my waist, I slid my arms out and tied them around me to keep them up. Pushing the vest I had on down at the same time.

I didn’t mean to watch him, however my eyes kept returning as he took in my room and his surroundings. Pulling my hair down out of the ponytail. I let it all drop freely, the instant relief had been heavenly.

“Have you?” The question came out before I could stop myself. Maybe a little defensive. “I have had some. When I can.” I answered.

•— John —•

I looked back at her just in time to see her hair falling free from her usual ponytail... hell!

I cleared my throat. "Um... yeah, I mean... I try but I never know how long I'll sleep before..." I rubbed my chin, she knew... she'd seen it.

"How often does when I can come around? Once a day? twice a week?" One of the first things I learned about Raven was; that you have to ask the right questions.

•— Raven —•

Rolling my neck, and rubbing the back of it. Now he had me in a tight spot. But we said… we promised.. no more lying.

“I’m not even sure any more.” The nightmares were intense when they came again. And they always came.

“I’ll get some tonight.” It wasn’t a lie, it was a  hope really. I didn’t want #Abby to find out. Because she would medically make it happen.

Shifting on my feet, my eyes were back on him. “You know it’s hard. And being up here. I hoped it would…” I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

•— John —•

It didn't exactly answer my question… but I got it. I had seen her nightmares, they were as volatile as mine. I had witnessed her injuring herself more than once.

I swallowed hard and looked around the room which all of a sudden looked like a potential death trap. If she woke up in one of the states I had seen in the past there were a lot of things in this room that could cause harm.

I set that aside for a moment. "I thought being up here would be like the Ark... but it's not. Everyone is mostly treated equally, the food is better... I mean not as good as my cooking but those MREs are way better than the rock-hard biscuits we got. There's enough drinking water... But it's taking some getting used to. We'll get there." At least I hoped we would. I didn't want to go into those ice coffins. That wasn't today's problem.

"I can sit with you, you know... if you want. So you can sleep. Anytime..." I took a few steps towards her.

•— Raven —•

Taking a step around my fingers played with a part, moving it from one place to another, and then back again.

Eyes moved sporadically to see what his had fallen on, noting how he took my room in.

“It’s nothing like the Ark. and if it were… we’ve failed.” My voice was low feeling myself tensing at the reminder of life before Earth. Then I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“Those packs do not hold a flame up to the food you were cooking.” Clicking my fingers, I rubbed my forehead attempting to recall. “The soul thing… with the roots brought in. That… that…” My mouth began to water at the memory. It made me laugh once again. “It was the night I caught you dancing.”

And I remember how worry-free and happy he seemed. “You don’t have to chaperone me, John.” And as I said it. I wanted to hug him and accept the offer.

•— John —•

I laughed trying not to focus on the dangers in this room.

"You mean the night you were fortunate enough to walk in at the exact right moment?” I quirked a brow and grinned. "And you are welcome for the show by the way.”

I did like to listen to music when I cooked. It was probably what I missed the most about the island, I didn't have as much access to music up here.

I looked at her and rolled my eyes. "It’s not charity, Raven. I know that you would do the same for me."

We had both played the role of protector for the other while we slept. I didn't see any reason we couldn't still do that; now that we had fixed the rift between us.

•— Raven —•

Hearing the sound of his Laughter made me join in too. “Oh. Fortunate? Is this what we are calling dinner with an added floor show?”

Something clicked in place, and I slowly moved to the far side of the room and my bed. Opening the drawers to take the player he had once given me.

“Here, you’ll get more joy out of this. I’ve worked on the electrics on it, so you can now charge it in the power ports up here.”

Returning to his side, I held it out. I bit my lips as I nodded my head. “Napping partners again? As long as we share the shifts, okay?”

•— John —•

“Oh yeah! I'm multi-talented I can dance, I can cook…. I can…” I tried to think of a third thing. “Speak trig!” I laughed.

I smiled and closed her hand back up. “#Jasper is on it. #Monty is, inhis spare time, too. A lot of the officers had music collections… Jasper is copying it all to the central…. Thingies… And Monty making it so it's accessible to the whole ship.” I had no idea what they were talking about. But I knew the were making it so we had music.

“Besides this one was from Becca’s house. It means more to you. And I know it helps you sleep.”

•— Raven —•

I blinked a few times at him as he told me what the rest of the guys were working on. I closed my hands around the player and brought it to my chest.

Shaking my head slowly the words were out before it registered. “I’ve really messed up with everyone haven’t I? I used to know everything. What was happening, what was needed? Now…” rubbing my forehead. “Without the code… it’s all…” I didn’t know what.

Shaking my head again, I laughed it off. “If you’re sure. Then fine.” Turning to head back to where I took it out from, I returned it. “The offer is there. And now you know where it lives.” Patting the top of the drawers.

•— John —•

"No Raven... I don't think that’s it..." I smiled. "I think they're hoping to surprise you with it. They don't know I brought that bag up for you..." I pressed my lips together.

"Everything I put into that bag was something I knew would mean something to you. I want you to have each  and every item in it..." I smiled at the idea of passing them out to her one -by-one.

"I know you don't measure things in material value... but every single thing I put in there was to show you that I see you... and I care... I know I hurt you before you left. I know it's all so much harder. And I know stuff won't make up for it. But I chose every single thing to show you I knew what mattered to you... And gathering them all up while you were gone and keeping them near, made me feel like you were closer."

The words just kept coming and I knew I was skirting a dangerous line. But, I thought I saw a flash of hurt when I refused her gift, but music could never give more comfort than knowing that she had music in her life gave me.

•— Raven —•

In all those words, there were so many things to unpack that I wasn’t even aware of where to begin.

Slowly walking back to where John stood, I motioned towards the couch before sitting down myself.

“Why would you care enough to gather all those things?” The first of my thoughts. “And how did you even know where to start the search?” The next.

I slowly began to unbuckle my brace, the discomfort had reached its peak for me.

“I don’t understand why you would do all that, want to feel close to me…. And I know we’ve moved on now, but then. Then I was someone who hadn’t listened to you. You begged me to bring you up here with us. and I didn’t. And you still kept the faith that I would be back?”

My fingers worked the buckles one at a time until it slipped off from around my leg, allowing me to set it down.

•— John —•

I headed to the couch and stopped before I sat down and crouched next to the couch when she started unbuckling it. I started at her ankle, we could make it half the work if we met somewhere in the middle. And it had become a kind of ritual between the two of us, her showing trust... me showing her I cared. "Because I care about you... And that mansion was the only place I ever saw you happy. Even though you were in pain... I just want you to have... something... Of Becca's because I knew you looked up to her." I shrugged and looked up into curious hazel eyes.

"I just looked in the places you spent the most time. And I understood why you couldn't bring me... At first, I was going to pick one thing. I didn't think I could bring the journals, I wasn't sure they could be decontaminated. But #Jasper gave me the radiation-proof bag… and I just... kept going. I never lost faith that you would come if it was possible. After, but there were moments... dark moments... where I thought you were stranded. You had fuel for a one-way trip. I thought you were dead or dying and I..." I shook away the burning in my eyes, she was here, she was alive. I took a shaky breath... "So I just kept searching because I couldn't sit still and let those thoughts take over."

•— Raven —•

Slowly we were falling back into the normality of being friends. I watched him work the buckles I couldn’t easily reach.

His blue eyes were misty making me push forward sitting on the edge of the couch.

“You were so close to dying now there, and you were worried about me?” How was this the same boy who once told me he only thought of himself and no one else?

“I told you and Luna I would be back. I wasn’t going to break the promise.”

My eyes remained on him.

“Thank you... I never thought I would see those books again. I’m speechless. Really.”

•— John —•

“Were in the same position as everyone else, Stargazer, only we had suits. I knew nothing would stop you from finding a way back… unless you were...” I let out a shaky breath. I wouldn't let that feeling back in. I took her hand and squeezed.

She was here, alive... Warm and so fucking soft. Without thinking I turned her hand over, her palms and fingers were calloused from her work but the back of her hand? That was soft, I smiled at the contrast.

“But those moments… when I... When I thought you hadn't survived… I was terrified. I hadn't lost anyone I…” I stopped, swallowing.  “Since my dad… so I'd find something else… add it to the bag…” I chuckled. “Then you had to come back… right? Because it was rude not to accept a gift?” I dragged my hand through my hair.

“It sounds ridiculous… but it's what got me through it all. You don't need to thank me, Raven. I'm just really happy I can give you a little part of home… to help to start building our new one here.”

•— Raven —•

Of course, he was correct, everyone on that planet had the same problems. They were in a better place. So, did this feeling in my chest that kept me from sleeping most nights, mean that I had been selfish? Then in all reality, I hadn’t thought of the good of the planet and all they people. I thought of my own first. Hells. Maybe I was no different to Clark. And I had been all righteous about how she handled situations like this?

“I’m such a hypocrite.” Saying it when I meant to only think it.

I watched him closely, my hands in his, and he really was enthralled. Before I could say anything, John continued and so did I.

“There’s nothing ridiculous about the situation. We all find ways to help us believe. You found yours. And I of all people am the one who benefits from it.”

Squeezing his hand back.

•— John —•

“I'm not one hundred percent sure what you meant by that so I won't tell you that's not true…” I smile are her, not sure what had gone through her mind to cause her hypocrite remark. “But I will say this… we’re all hypocrites sometimes, and there's so much worse we could be.” My thumb brushed the back of her hand again without me really having decided to do so. “If it’s true... And I don't think it is… it's an easily forgivable offence...” I kept talking to stop her from spiralling into what that dark place was. Probably to distract her from the fact I was still memorizing every bump and line on her hand.

“Looking back… knowing you survived... Being here now. I'm glad you left without me. Because now, I know what it feels like when someone comes back for me…” a new kind of tear threatened to fall now and I laughed. “You still came back. That…” I shook my head… “Means more than you'll ever know.”

•— Raven —•

I just shook my head, closing my eyes and pressing the palm of my free hand into my forehead. I couldn’t ask others to make better choices if my own had been tainted by selfishness.

Had I done any of this for the greater good? Or had it all been for me and mine?

Hells! Just as I begin to dive into all my decisions his statement brings me back.

“What? John. Of course, I was going to come back. It doesn’t matter how upset I am. I’m not going to take that out by leaving you to die.” A deepest frown fixes itself in place.

“It is a part of this thing we call friendship. No matter what. We stand up and by one another.”

He still held my hand. I could feel his fingers caressing gently.

•— John —•

“I know.” I said too quickly. “I mean… even then, I knew you would never do that… it’s one of the things that makes you so special.” I reached out to grab the top journal, and set her hand on her lap like it was a delicate thing… It wasn’t, of course, she was tough as nails.

But to me… she was too precious to be treated otherwise. “Most people wouldn’t risk that for people they loved. Lie back.” I handed her the book and scooted away from her on the couch. “And you… you would come back even for the person who betrayed you. It’s just who you are.”

I lifted her legs onto the couch, and sat them on my lap, pulling off her boots.

“But even though I knew death was the only thing that would keep you from returning… it’s different… you know.” I started at her ankle, working my thumbs into the soft tissue where her brace buckled. “When I saw that ship… that feeling…” I couldn’t look at her, in case the true depth of those feelings showed through. “It was… I honestly couldn’t describe it. But it's not the same as knowing. If that makes any sense.” I laughed at myself and moved up her calf in light sweeping motions, easing through the tightness in the muscle first… before getting to the part I knew hurt a little now… and helped a lot later.

•— Raven —•

“Love…” I said, “people they love…” There were no past tenses here.

It occurred to me why I hurt so much when I saw Luna and John at that dock. Why it hurt me each time I thought I’m forgiven them, and then. When I saw a flash back, that hurt grew deeper.

The protest began to slip, however he was speaking. Letting me in, seeing the other side of my failure as it happened.

So, I lay back pulling my hair to the side. Not taking my eyes off his face as he did something that wouldn’t have made me think twice about on the island. Whenever we sat at the end of the day, he always knew somehow where my discomforts were, and tried to help by rubbing them.

Relief curled it’s way through me, I felt my shoulder, back, hip, leg and foot shift and relax. All the while stopping myself from tearing up as I heard him.

“You had a lot of faith in me.” I closed my eyes before opening them.

“I didn’t even know if it was going to work. Or if I was bringing the guys up here with me for us all to die. Some part of me… I didn’t know it at the time… but.. some part of me thought maybe you were safer here.” It had been the first time I let those thoughts come out in words.

“Hells!” Wincing at the stab of pain, my fist flew up to my mouth so I could bite down on it.

•— John —•

I smiled but  I wasn't sure I was in the category of the people that she still loved... I was back in the dysfunctional family category... she'd made that clear. That meant I could probably get back into the love bracket soon...

Whatever that entailed... whatever way she might love me at some stage... I would take it. I would cherish it. And I would keep loving her.

"Having faith in you was the easy part... The hard part was trying to stop the thoughts that you were..." I swallowed. "Dead... from taking over." I thought about her idea that we were safer on earth. It made sense... in a way that made no sense at all the radiation was going to get us either way. But...

"Sorry..." I winched at her outcry. I rubbed that same spot again with a firm flat palm soothing before I pressed my thumbs against her calf again and dragged them up the stiff muscle. "I'm sorry... but it helps." I followed each deep stroke with a softer one. Telling myself each one would be closer to a little relief. I distracted her by talking.

"It makes sense... I mean... I always thought that you were safer in the mansion than in the labs. You worked less, you never had a seizure... you rested a little more. But the code went everywhere you did. There was no logical reason for me to feel like you were safer there. But I did, and I felt better when you were there. So can I understand why you would believe that."

•— Raven —•

I knew it was all helping in the end. I had to work through the discomfort before I would be there. However, with John’s help, I knew it wouldn’t take long.

“You’ve said that a few times now.” I knew what he was doing, and I wouldn’t foil his plan. “You thought I would die. Up here. Without seeing you all.” Closing my eyes as once again his thumb rubbed a tight knot.

“I guess we’ve all had our moments with fear. The mansion was the one place…” I pushed the thought of the grounder who had made it to the island out of my mind.

“It was the one place where we could rest our heads and know the next day we would wake.”

I knew there was something drastically incorrect with our thinking. However, it helped us to do what was needed.

“I wanted to come up here to die.. it had been my plan... but not with the guys with me.”

•— John —•

"I was terrified of it... It was like one of my nightmares... only it was real." I said quietly. My hands moved to her knee, I was gentle here... the deep pressure only worked on muscles, and on her knee, it would only cause pain and bruising.

I swallowed hard at her words. "I know... I remember finding you building that suit." I repressed the shudder that ran through me. "I hated it... but I know how much pain you were in. Not that you aren't now..." I moved my hands to her thigh, pressing the heal of my hands into muscle, firm but not as hard as her lower leg. "I understood... but still couldn't just... maybe it was selfish. I want you to stay and keep fighting it. But it was how I felt... how I feel... even though I understood."

I kept rubbing, slowly... "You don't have to tell me... But do you still feel like that?"

•— Raven —•

Opening my eyes, I glanced down towards him. Watching as he continued to help me. He didn’t need to do it. But I didn’t need to tell him that. He knew.

My hands moved to rest over my face. Covering the look of uncomfortable pain while he did his thing. I moved them away once he’d moved on. The placement of his hands on my thighs made me still and then I shook it off.

“It wasn’t… I… it…” the words all sounded mixed up. “It was difficult John.” My lip trembled at how I had lost my way.

Tapping my forehead as I spoke. “My mind was giving out on me. I couldn't see any other way out. I didn’t want to become unresponsive, to steal resources, or to become a burden out of some lost sense of purpose or responsibility. I never had the choice of our life when it began. However, I wanted to go out on my own terms.” I needed him to understand I hadn’t made those choices without thinking them through.

“But, no. No, I haven’t.”  And now I moved my hands out of the way. “Do you feel like you need that out?” I asked quietly.

•— John —•

Kept my hand busy, and when I felt the last of the knots in her muscles uncoil I let my hand rest flat against her leg. I attempted to rub away the pain I caused but I knew it would only do so much, the temporary relief would only come with time. And rest if she was so inclined.

“I know… I can’t begin to think what it was like for you.” I gave a dark laugh. “I know this might not exactly paint me in the best light… but I wouldn’t have let you live like… that…” I shuddered. “Kept alive by machines. I would have… done… something.” The others might have killed me for it, but it was crystal clear to me now that I would have had nothing to live for if I lost her.

If I couldn’t survive an hour in a cell without a panic attack; there was no way I could endure a loss like that. My heart would just… stop.

“No… not anymore. I decided on that beach… I can’t control when or how I go… but I can control… that it won’t be me. I won’t be the one…  It’s not the same as the situation you were in… your control was taken from you.”

•— Raven —•

Slowly I pushed up with the strength in my arms. Moving and guiding my legs so that I could sit up next to him.

The vivid memories of the beach came rushing through. And I knew it had been a moment in his life I should not have witnessed. But I couldn’t find it in myself to walk away at that time too.

“I was there… when you threw the gun into the ocean.” I said in a low tone. “I saw how much you were hurting, how that place broke you. And I still...”

Working my fingers I closed my burning eyes. “… I didn’t mean to leave you in the cell.” I had to say it again. “I didn’t see the bigger picture… I let my anger and fear of losing you… losing my friend cloud my judgment…. I thought—“ shaking my head. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Wiping my face I opened my eyes. “And now you tell me, you would have placed your own life in danger to give me what I wanted.” Half turning my head to catch sight of him.

“If I didn’t feel like a crap friend before…. By the Hells, I do now.” Leaning over I placed my head on his shoulder, resting it there.

•— John —•

I couldn't decide how I felt about her witnessing that moment... It wasn't like I had been subtle about storming down the beach to the shore. But she'd never mentioned it before now. I had assumed she had seen it at the time... but after a while I guess I thought she'd walked away and waited for me to finish my dramatics... it seemed to be a pattern with me.

So much for being invisible.

I shook my head... "You never planned on leaving me there Rey, I know that. You just weren't going to be the one to unlock that door... I get it. I let you down again. No one could have predicted... that."

I laughed now.

"Wait... I just told you was I planning to kill you? How the hell are you the bad friend in that scenario?" Okay so that was an exaggeration... the plan was to turn off her machines if they were the only things keeping her alive.

But it sounded better my way.

•— Raven —•

Lifting my head off his shoulder I shook it from side to side. This boy… he wouldn’t let me feel anything bad about my actions towards him.

“Because you just told me, you wouldn’t think of yourself, how you would have to live with the consequences of doing something you knew were my wishes, John. Do you understand how that would give me peace? To know if I wasn’t capable of making my own decision, I know you would have my back?

All my fears of how I didn’t want to live. You just told me. You would see me to my end.”

And he would live with the consequences of it for the rest of his life, however long or short it was.

•— John —•

I reached my arm around her, not wanting her to move away. Making it like one of those one-armed hugs we shared so often now. These little deceptions were forgivable, right?

She was thinking of the consequences of the action if it was one l ever needed to take. But the only consequence I would care about was how to continue in a world where l had eliminated any possibility of ever getting Raven back. I doubted my heart would remember how to beat in a world that didn't have Raven Reyes in it.

"Seeing you in Arkadia... When A.L.I.E. had control; I knew, I couldn't leave you like that. But I knew you'd been looking for a way to fry the chip. I knew there was a chance. l just needed the get you to someone smart enough to understand what you were trying... But that wouldn't have been the case if..."

I shook my head. "But that's not going to happen."

•— Raven —•

Moving back into his side, I placed my head back on His shoulder. It had been a few days since I sat for long enough to feel my body, adding to the fact he had helped my muscles. I, for the first time in days felt, myself… ish.

“I know it wasn’t easy… being my friend… it’s not easy on anyone.” Easily joking, however, it seems to be a fact too. “So, I appreciate you. And the fact that you still try.”

Turning my head, I placed a kiss on his shoulder. “Okay.” Slapping my things a little and straightening myself up. “You do want your mind blown?” We needed to change the topic of discussion unless we began down a path which would have his mind thinking of all the darkness.

•— John —•

“It’s the only reason being your friend was ever hard for me was because I didn’t know how I’d cope if you…” I stopped. “When you died… because back then… we we all certain you had weeks at best. The hardest part was stopping you from killing yourself faster.” I shook my head. It was a miracle she was here at all. As she leaned in I couldn’t stop an intrusive thought crashing into my mind. Would there ever be a time I could press a kiss to the top of her head? Keep a hold of her like this for longer than a moment. But before I could even squash that train of thought in my head she had pressed her lips to my shoulder. My heart raced and heat flashed down my arm. My fingers coiled but she had lowered her jumpsuit and tied it around her waist; so my fingers brushed the bare skin of a bicep that still held onto some of the muscle she’d gained when I was responsible for feeding her… all of them. (By choice… because it made me feel… good enough.)

My mouth dropped when she jumped up. Was it possible that she was totally unaware that this was likely a gesture of kindness, maybe a thank you for easing a tiny amount of her suffering had blown my mind beyond any comprehension. Maybe that small kiss against her hair wouldn’t be so far-fetched after all? That was a dangerous path.

“Nah…” I teased and sat back. Feigning disinterest. I laughed and stood up too. “C’mon then you made me curious now.”

•— Raven —•

I didn’t say anything more about why and how we found ourselves here. How things between us just felt right. Would it mean I would get on his last nerve? Yes. Would this mean he would get on mine? Hells Yes.

I squeezed his knee, letting him know he had been heard. And then I stretched over the edge of the couch towards the small locker beside it flicking the lid open and taking out a small silver package.

“Okay. So, when we came up here, Lizzie and Miles gave us all these packets. Kicking it on the table to break it. Tearing the top off where  I had been shown too.

“They said they loved these on their long mining voyages, and… well… I’ve not gotten around to opening it.”

The truth was, I really had wanted him to try it. He was the guy who loved to cook and taste things.

Pulling the inner clear packet out of the bag which says. ‘Freeze-dried ice cream block.’ I held it in my hands.

“It is hard so you can’t bite a chunk off. It’s why you break it. They say it’s sweet, and meant to be as good as the chocolate?”

•— John —•

Still trying to calm my idiotic heart, I repressed the urge to flinch at Soldier Boy's name. My gaze followed her, and my gaze narrowed on the S... That was no way… “Is that…. No... It couldn't be. “Is that… ice cream…. like… from milk?”

Even on Earth, the largest animal I ever saw was a horse… but I only ever saw goats and sheep being farmed. On the ark, we always thought cows were extinct. But once we landed we quickly learned that we were wrong about a lot of things.

“Are you kidding me!?” I laughed and sat on the edge of the couch. All of what's-his-name forgotten. I couldn't help the excitement, food… good food… had become a thing of joy for me. Both because I wasn't hungry anymore and because… I was good at it.

“You had this since you came up here and you haven't even tried it yet?”

•— Raven —•

He knew what it was, of course he did. My lips curved up in a big smile, by the reaction; this made John happy. Food did that for him. And I loved that I had a reason to make him this joyful right now.

Shrugging my shoulders. “They say there is a right time for everything.” Pushing it towards him. “And now is that time.” I had another one I would save for #Luna. “They have more, however with everything going on, I guess sweet things haven’t been on the forecast in the meal plans.

I can see someone taking those and maybe doing something for the kids up here? Maybe something for Harper and Luna’s classes even?

•— John —•

She didn't say it... But she waited for me?  This had hope blooming in my chest... not that selfish kind that I had felt too often lately... just... gratitude that this woman would allow me back into her life after everything I had done.

I picked up a fragment of the broken block, starting with the brown colour. "Chocolate?" I asked her. It didn't feel anything like the sticky paste I found in jars in the mansion. It smelled different too... but I could smell the sweetness.

"C'mon on then, Stargazer." I smiled at her. She looked the happiest I had seen her in a long time. "You've waited this long, it's only fair you get the first taste."

I didn't let the mention of the fact they had more, linger in my thoughts. I had thought all the food on the ship had been handed in for inventory and rationing... but I didn't think this stuff had much nutritional value.

•— Raven —•

Turning the silver foil package around in my hand, I spoke while reading.

“Chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavoured.” Curiously, glancing at the block again.

“Strawberry? I know I’m a geek, but I don’t remember what that was.” If it didn’t have anything to do with mechanics, I let the information slide into the dark realms of my mind.

“Okay. We are really going to do this? Eat something that’s been around longer than us?” It wasn’t really a question. We’d done it so many times by now. However, it was good to check, right?

Picking up a square of the brown part too, I clinked mine to his.

“If I die, let it be known it was worth it.”

There was a powder residue on the square as I took a bite into the hard, crunchy block. It was something new, I’d not had this sensation in my mouth before. Chewing on it.

•— John —•

"Strawberry... I imagine that will be sweet. Most of the berries I ate on Earth were sweet... other than ones that made me sick. Or mu..." I stopped I had a feeling she'd get what I meant from context.

I chuckled at the hesitation in her words. "You know the wine and chocolate in Becca's Mansion was from before the Cataclysm too, right?"

I narrowed my eyes at her... Playful and a little serious. "No more death jokes today."

I followed her lead and bit the shard of the powdery brick. I couldn’t reconcile the flavour with the thick creamy chocolate I knew. The chunk crumbled a little more with each chew. "It's definitely sweet, but not as chocolatey as I thought. What do you think?"

•— Raven —•

Making a face, because I remembered some of the kids in the camp had gotten unwell due to poisonous berries. But at least we knew this was safe to eat. I’d seen #Miles eating it like it was the best thing he had.

“Okay, no more death jokes.” Holding my hand up to cover my mouth chewing on the crumbling block turning into a chewy consistency.

Rolling my eyes, I mean everything in the mansion was as old. However, I tried not to over think those things. Not when we all had full bowls and stomachs.

“Uhm, it’s sweet. And I can pick up on the chocolate it’s there in the back. But it’s nothing like the chocolate jars. You’re right.”

Pointing to the pink block. “You should try that one next.”

•— John —•

I sniffed a piece of the pink. It was strange to have so many different scents coming out of the same package. "How come the rations we had on the Ark were odourless? When you can smell your food it just enhances everything.”

I took a bite this one was sweeter and had much more depth of flavour. There was a pleasant tartness over a smooth powdery bass.

"This one is good." I said enthusiastically. I chewed as the crumbly block became soft and creamy. "Mhm!” I nodded approvingly. "I think we have a winner here.”

•— Raven —•

Tilting my head, I was smiling without knowing it. Witnessing this boy in his element had always made me stop and take it in.

“Oh... really?” Once my mouth was empty I picked up a pink block, following his lead by bringing it up to my nose. Sneezing when the powder was inhaled.

“Oh… that’s” sneezing again to the side, covering up with my elbow. Wiggling my nose to stop the tickle inside.

“Let’s try again.” This time I bite into it crushing it gently with a burst of flavour I’ve never tried before. “Oh… wow… it’s… good.” Nodding my head.

•— John —•

I laughed when she sneezed and froze a little - in wonder - when she wiggled her nose. It made me want to reach out and trail my finger down the bridge of her nose… it was… adorable. Hell! What was happening to me?

I didn’t, of course, at least I had that much self-control. “Told you!” I chuckled. Shaking out of my reverie.

I picked up a triangular chip of the white part. I wasn’t excited about this one… it was the colour of the nutrient-pack sludge we had on the Ark only this was hard and left powder on your finger instead of being oily and semi-liquid.

I popped it into my mouth and waited for it to start to soften, at first it tasted mostly like sugar… but then… “Whoa.” I mumbled with food in my mouth. It was a mix of sweet and spice without the heat. And a hint of some of the edible flowers #Emori had shown me.

This was… I swallowed what was left. “Wow!!! I take it all back. New winner.”

•— Raven —•

Watching with intent to steal the triangle piece in his hands, only because it would be funny. I stopped myself and let him take the first taste of it.

I waited with bated breath to see what he would think of the final flavour in the packet.

My lips were smiling once again seeing him this way, it was indeed heart warming.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You don’t need to sound this shocked.” Sitting back I rubbed on my thighs still watching him eat it.

“You know what. I feel like I could run the width of this ship ten times over right now.” Eyeing up what was left of the block. We’d only had half of it, so I leaned forward to take the pale-coloured one. This time; not smelling it. (I’d learnt my lesson there.) biting of the small square block. It was difficult to taste at first the strawberry lingered and then it hit me. “Oh….” My eyebrows lifted in pleasure.

•— John —•

I was so excited by the prospect of new flavours that I almost missed the way she eyed the piece in my hand. Almost.

"See... that's what spending time with me does. I'm energising!" I chuckled... now that I thought about it there really was a frantic kind of energy alongside my fatigue.

Her expression changed and I forgot that fact for a second while I grabbed an imperfect cube of the white. "This one was called what again? Vanilla?? I bit into the cube... "It's... so... I mean... it's exotic... it's complex... It just... so fucking good!" The frantic energy was building.

"Damn... that run actually sounds really good right now... Pity there's no fair competition around!" I smirked at her deviously.

•— Raven —•

“Yeah…. Exotic… it’s… it’s…. Fantastical…. You know. This vanilla… it must have been sought after. Do you think people began wars over it?”

My feet and hands needed shaking out, and I bounced in the spot where I sat. Laughing and then I understood what he had actually said. “The hells! Are you saying I couldn’t beat you in a race?”

True facts. I couldn’t. But still. It was the principle of the matter.

“I could beat you, you don’t know how a race could end John Murphy.” I knew he would win and I would kick myself for dreaming. This time I took what was left in his fingers and popped it into my mouth. Crunching it and letting the flavours take me over with a burst of energy I couldn’t explain.

•— John —•

"Van-Nill-Aah...." I tasted the word... "It even sounds.... fancy... I bet the rich used to gatekeep this shit! Post-cataclysm people started wars over everything... if they didn't fight over this, they were stupid." I laughed a slightly disjointed laugh.

"Of course..." I rolled my eyes. "That's exactly what I meant." Then without missing a beat. "You know what we need! We need music. I know you've found a way to play it without the earbuds!"

•— Raven —•

“Remind to check the data banks for it. We can find out if anything out there can tell us something more about where this flavour comes from. Or we could ask Miles?”

Nodding my head, point back to the bedside locker and then the the table on the far side of the room.

“Could you get it and then connect it to the speakers there? The wires are attached there.” I wasn’t in the mood to put the brace back on just yet.

•— John —•

I chuckled. “Nerd!” but honestly it was kinda… sexy and admirable. The way she always wanted to know the facts.

“You are a genius, Stargazer.” I jumped up and retrieved the player from the drawer she’d put it in earlier. “I could just kiss you!” I connected it to the speaker… she had made it idiot-proof. Which was good because…. Tek wasn't my strong suit.

My inhibitions waned similarly to when I drank wine on Earth. Did this stuff have alcohol in it?  “I'm sure sold— #Shaw has more important things to do.”

“Any requests?” I asked sensing that she was happy without her brace.

•— Raven —•

“They broke the mould after I was created, Watcher.” Smirking at him with a waggle of my brows. “Kiss me? More like you’d kiss me to distract me from you stealing the rest of this.”

Sitting forward I took a cracked cube of the brown one again. We had to give it another go, we’d loved the chocolate jars back at ho—

I stilled when the thought abruptly stopped… “Home…” I said it underneath my breath. “Home…” my throat swelled shaking my head.

“No.. just whatever you fancy.” Answering his question while I lived the feelings of being on the island.

•— John —•

I nodded in agreement. "They did indeed, you are one of a kind."

I selected the song and returned to her. "Hey, after the amount of times I fed you, you better save me some of that!" I sat next to her, careful not to jerk the couch cushions. Then I smirked. "And I will kiss you anytime you want Reyes... you just have to ask." I teased, it was never going to happen.

I reached across her and snagged a piece of the chocolate and vanilla, my curiosity about the combined flavours was high after everything I taught myself in the mansion.

•— Raven —•

Arching my brow. “That… wasn’t the reply I expected. Sarcasm…. Telling me the mould was broken because I’m a pain… or anything along those lines….” I sat back with a bit of the pink ice cream in my fingers. “Where is John Murphy? And who are you?”

My attention went to the song. “I love this one.” I told him rubbing my thigh and chewing on the next piece.

“Sure, until I tell you to kiss my arse. Then you’d never do it.” Elbowing him wondering what he was doing with the two flavours now. “I am saving you some, I saved the whole thing!”

•— John —•

I laughed and rolled my eyes at her. "Don't worry, Stargazer. The John Murphy you know and tolerate will be back as soon as the goodies run out." I smirked, quite proud of the turn of phrase.

The combination of the chocolate and vanilla wasn't anything special. "Pre-cataclysm Musicians weren't half bad at all." I agreed. I did love this song... sometimes music said things you didn't know how to say.

"Wow, the overachiever is showing all of her dirty little secrets tonight..." I shrugged. "It's not really my thing... but they say don't knock till you've tried it. So..." I flashed her an evil grin and tapped the side of her thigh lightly and continued. "Turn over and drop your pants." I laughed, I knew how to call a bluff.

•— Raven —•

Rolling my eyes at him I shook my head. “No…. I think I like John Murphy as he comes. You can never tell which one you will see.”

My head moved side to side with the music and I sang badly along for a few words. And then my eyes flew to him.

“Don’t even joke. I will make you kiss my arse!” Pushing my thumb into the tired arms of the jumpsuit around my waist, I pushed it down just a smidgen. Laughing.

“Well? How is the combination working out? Try or pass?”

•— John —•

"Always threatening me with a good time." I chuckled. "And never delivering.” She was almost dancing, relaxing and taking a break.

Why did that flash of skin at the hemline of her shirt, above the knot she'd tied in her jumpsuit make my mouth go dry? I'd seen a lot more of her skin. Always in the course of trying to keep her alive.

I cleared my throat. "Um... It's a little bland, to be honest... But we should always try everything at least once, right?”

I tried the strawberry and the chocolate together... Distracting myself until I could get a  grip on my overactive imagination.

•— Raven —•

Morning changed in him, making me tilt my head and frown but I didn’t push him. I took the time to replay the conversation, wondering what I’d said to change his tone however, nothing stood out.

“Oh yeah. Considering you were the one cooking back at home, and we didn’t know half of what we were eating. I’m glad to say I’m happy to try anything once.”

I took the vanilla chunk with the strawberry one, breaking them smaller before trying them together.

A couple of chews and I knew this was the one. However, I didn’t say it to him just yet.

•— John —•

I chuckled; remembering everyone's faces when they tried my food for the first time. The shock, and excitement at eating good food. Then the guilt at the assumptions that I couldn't have done anything right.

"Well, l am happy to take all the blame for you being brave enough to try new food.”

I closed my eyes when the flavour of the strawberry and chocolate hit my tongue. "Oh wow!!” I grabbed another piece of each and held them out to her. You gotta try this.”

•— Raven —•

Without thinking, leaning into him my hands clasped his wrists gently. My lips touched his fingers as I took the offering from his hand directly chewing on it.

“Oh wow. That’s…” chewing some more before I let his hand go to try mine. “Okay, you need to try this.” I gathered the vanilla and the strawberry together holding them out to him.

“This is as good.” I said still into the burst of excitement that was flavour in my mouth, causing me to salivate.

•— John —•

My world stopped briefly... her lips brushed against my fingers and my mouth went dry. Then I forced myself to focus on her reaction. To stop this foolishness before I destroyed what we both worked so hard to salvage and rebuild.

But when she held out the vanilla and this one is good too!" I looked down the fast dwindling block you know there is only one thing left to try now don't you."

•— Raven —•

“All.. At... Once!” The excitement in my voice had been a little too intense. I knew it the moment I heard myself. However, could I stop myself? No!

“It has to happen. We have to experience all three in one go. You know we do.” I made the universal gesture telling him we were both on the same page.

“Do you think…” my voice cut off as I began to break up what little we had left into equal amounts. “Yeah, we do.” Answering my own question.

Pushing three pieces in front of him, and taking three myself. “Do you think we are crazy for doing this?”

•— John —•

I nodded in agreement. Actually, nodded far too much that undercurrent of energy was still skittering along my bones. "It has to happen!" I said after her.

If there was one thing that Arkadians knew... it was how to split rations. And Raven knew this just as well as I did.

"Not crazy ... Just curious." I tilted my head. "But then again... curiosity killed the cat... and only crazy people do things that might get them killed."

My eyes met hers. "And I feel a little crazy.... like my insides are moving faster than my outsides." I looked at the six pieces she'd laid out for us

•— Raven —•

“Right…” I touched the tips of my finger to my cheeks which were heating for some reason. I hadn’t even moved from the spot. And it felt like I was running. “It feels like we should go for a run around the corridors.”

From somewhere underneath the words a giggle escaped my lips. My hand shot up to hide the fact, but then came another.

“Okay… okay..” I cleared my throat, shifting a little further forward towards the table.

“You know what. I never understood the meaning behind that phrase. I have said that curiosity is what kept the cat fed. You cannot find the next meal if you’re sitting still.”

My eyes found John, smiling at him with some excitement in my eyes. Nodding my head to the surface of the table.

“Let’s do this.”

I picked up the three pieces before myself, gathering them the best I could. In they went.

•— John —•

I grinned at her and barely resisted the urge to poke those pink cheeks. "Nah! That's just my presence making you blush!" I chuckled and picked up the three pieces. That short, high laugh did something to my stomach... Or was that the ice cream?

The song changed just when she picked up her pieces.

"Let's do this!" I echoed her words and tossed the pieces onto my tongue. But, I kept my gaze on her face for her reaction.

It hit me then... maybe this ship wouldn't be so bad after all. Not if there were new firsts for her to experience here. Especially after weeks of fear that at any moment the sword over her head could finally drop and her life would end too soon.

(Music: Summer Feeling · Matoma · Jonah Kagen)

•— Raven —•

The music changed at the same time as the flavours exploded on my taste buds. My eyes turned Wildly excited for all these taste sensations to form some kind of a…. a…

I lost my train of thinking as the bloom of flavours evolved on my tongue and engulfed my brain. “Hells!” Covering my mouth.

I couldn’t help the laughter and the flourish of my shoulders. I was dancing!!! Well…. Sit down dancing….. however, it was DANCING! The song was catchy, the lyrics would become wrapped in my head for days. I could tell.

•— John —•

When the riot of flavours hit my senses my eyes widened. "Now it makes sense why they put all three flavours in the same package." I chewed and savoured the flavours as they blended on my tongue.

The music was better than moonshine, and the song immediately had her letting her hair down. She was dancing from where she sat and I smiled as I watched.

I hopped up from the couch and pulled over the wheeled chair tucked neatly against a work desk. "You call that dancing?" I scoffed at her and scooped her up off the couch so fast she couldn't protest and sat her in the chair. No way was that brace going on her leg right now...

She was happy, smiling... this moment was going to be as pain-free as possible. I grabbed hold of the back of the chair and spun it around.

•— Raven —•

“HOLY SHIT!” The words spluttered out before I even knew what exactly had gone down.

“What are you thinking?” Then it was obvious and I loved it. Should we have been more careful? Yes, yes we should. However, the entire point of this night was to show him life up here would be different this time.

Laughter echoed in my new quarters as the room spun around me. I let my head fall back watching it all meld together into a giant spiral.

Humming to a song I didn’t know the words to. However, it still spoke to me.

“Faster! Spin me faster!”

•— John —•

I couldn’t help but laugh. Normally when I lifted her she protested, at least when she was conscious. But… not today. Today she was all smiles and giddy energy. Something I never thought I would see again after the first time I saw her happy drunk.

I did as she said and spun her around again, dragging the chair to the centre of the most open spot in the room. It wobbled a little to one side and I caught it before it tilted more than a few inches.

“Some mechanic you are!” I teased and spun her again. “Lopsided chairs in your quarters that you  haven’t fixed.”

•— Raven —•

“Careful!” My hands darted to hold onto the chair when it became unbalanced, sending a small jolt through my body.

“Excuse me, it’s my night off. And I’m not spending my time in here fixing my room up just yet.” However, the chair went onto the list of things I did want to fix in here if I had some downtime. Knowing it would be a while I laughed.

“You know they say not to trust a mechanic whose house isn’t in order. So, it’s all on you…. Weeeeeeee” Laughter filled me with a feeling of inner peace and warmth.

•— John —•

I laughed, still making sure the catch and steady the chair between spins. It was so, so good to see her laugh unrestrained like this. The song changed and I stopped spinning her, my hands on the armrests so she was facing me.

“You have bigger things to worry about.” I rolled her chair over to the couch and helped her back onto it. “I may not be a mechanic. But I bet I can fix this chair.”

I smirked and tilted it to lie on its side. To my immediate relief, the cause was instantly clear. The screws that attached the chair to the base were loose. Easy! I hid my grin. I found a screwdriver with ease… Lined up in a neat line on a table. I picked the one that looked like the right size and sat cross-legged next to the toppled chair. “Easy peasy!” I smiled at her, wondering as I tightened each screw, if anyone had ever fixed anything for her before.

•— Raven —•

Smiling, the odd laughter still breaking out when he helped me cross back over to the couch. However, instead of sitting there, I lay down. My back on the couch looking over to watch him.

“Leave it, John, I’ll take a look….” But he was off. The chair was on its side, and John Murphy had a reason to do something. Slowly shifting my entire body to its side, I propped myself up on my elbow.

“It’s easy when you know how John. Who knew you had become so handy.” Laughing again now listening to the new song. I liked this one too, more than anything else I liked the fact that I had my friend back.

•— John —•

She shifted to lay down while I tightened the first screw. “Careful Reyes! You're starting to sound like a procrastinator.” I teased her and moved on to the second. “Besides when was the last time anyone fixed something for you?” I quirked a brow in her direction.

The last screw tightened and I grinned. Setting the chair upright and giving it a shake.

“Solid as a rock!” I boasted and went to sit on the floor with my back against the couch. Like I had so many times when she slept in her room on the island.

I leaned my head back and turned to see her. “Thanks for not dying, Stargazer.” I smiled. “I might never have tasted ice cream if you did.” I tried to keep a straight face.

•— Raven —•

“Never gonna happen.”

His question took me by surprise because I didn’t have an answer off the top of my head.

“Uhmm… I got some help with the leg brace.” Did that count? It must, right? The fact that I could bend my leg was thanks to the help in the design of it. His coming to sit on the ground beside the couch made me smile. I closed my eyes feeling the rushing blood inside me.

My hand close to him, moved into his hair. Stroking his head softly. When I breathed in, I felt it jitter a little, and then a tear rolled down the side of my eyes and into my hairline.

“Same right back at ya, Watcher. Not sure if have been I’d the mood for ice cream if you turned into crispy meat on me.”

•— John —•

“Okay… I suppose it does... But haven’t you redesigned it twice already?” Her fingers in my hair… it was strange… comforting… and a little tingly.

“Just a little charred around the edges.” I gave her a soft, sideways smile. I saw the tear reach up at an awkward angle to wipe it away.

She deserved a long and happy life. She was the best of us.

•— Raven —•

“Uhm… yeah…. I have… maybe more…” My eyes closed now feeling heavy, my body relaxed at his sweet touch, making me smile.

Turning my body towards him I curled up on the couch. Taking his hand and lacing my fingers into it I brought it to my chest.

With a sleep-filled voice, I muttered.

“You aren’t allowed to go anywhere… you are my Watcher… I need you… I need your friendship, John.”

My lips and mouth felt dry. However, I was being engulfed by sleep for the first time in so many days.

•— John —•

She took my hand, normally she only did that when she was trying to keep me from having one of my episodes, or dragging me somewhere to show me something I would have to pretend to understand until she remembered who she was talking to.

I shifted so my shoulder was against the sofa so I could rest my chin on the cushion. I smiled… Was Raven Reyes actually relaxing? I heard a little hoarseness in her voice and having spent far too long next to her hospital bed to not know what that meant I moved, stretching awkwardly to the table her water ration sat on.

“See…” I smirked, squeezing her hand. “I’m not going anywhere.” I held the cup close to her. “Take a drink, Stargazer. You just ate half a block of the tastiest chalk ever.” I didn’t mention ‘before she fell asleep’. The minute she heard that word she would snap back to attention… I wasn’t sure where the sudden tiredness came from… but I was feeling it too. The frantic energy burning too hot to last. But who cared? Raven was here… asking me to stay.

•— Raven —•

“Uhm?” His voice sounded far away, like an echo in the forest on the island. One I whisper back to. “Yes… stay… we still have… more… time…”

Eyes fluttering open I saw the glass at an uneven angle, slowly recognising the fact it was me who was at the wrong angle. I lifted myself onto my elbow. I took the water; sipping it, I wasn’t going to drink it all.

“Chalk? I’m planning on getting some more of it.” I had another package of the sweet treat. However, I was saving it for #Luna.

“Here.” Giving the water back to him. “Drink this and move off the ground. It’s cold and hard down there.”

•— John —•

I squeezed her hand again so she knew I was still there without having to say much. "Tasty chalk." I corrected her and made a show taking a swig of the water too... I didn't exactly want to drink from her ration, but I knew refusing would make her wide awake to tell me off. She looked like she might drift off any second. I had learned the hard way that every moment of sleep was precious when it came to her.

"Okay, I will. Lie back down.." I set the cup down and guided her back down to the couch with my free hand. But I had to free the hand she held to move to sit on the couch. I carefully lifted her legs and slid under them, draping them across my lap then immediately seeking out her hand again like it was my own missing limb. "See, still right here... and all cosy." I whispered and tried to stifle a huge yawn.

•— Raven —•

“Uhm…” smiling a little (or at least I thought I was).

“Cosy.. Uhm… yes…” The space between us had been cold, however, when he moved to join me on the couch I instantly felt comfortable. My limbs relaxed and the muscles which always seemed to hurt tuned out.

“Uhm…” The sound of the music became a distant hum, and…….

•— John —•

I said nothing, just brushed my thumb across the back of her hand. She had been taking my hand a lot lately… it was becoming difficult to stop myself from overthinking that fact. Buy there was no space for that right now… all there was, was Raven and this sudden wave of… I was stunned for a moment. It wasn't exhaustion… it was just… sleepiness. No draining all-consuming need to sleep. No aching terror at the thought of sleep.

Because I wasn't going to sleep. I lay my cheeks against the back of the couch. I rested the hand not clasped in hers on her leg, in case she turned in her sleep and sent the damaged limb sliding off my lap. That would cause a lot of pain without her brace. I watched for a long time, seeing the change in how quickly her chest rose and fell as she drifted off.

She was sleeping… I let my eyes close just to rest them for a moment. That was all… I would make sure that no nightmares would find her tonight.

“I'm right here…” I whispered. “You are safe.”

𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐬 - 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐓𝐰𝐨

  ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: #LittleBirdRey

     ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3

      ╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: ² ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

          ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

I woke up with a hangover from the burning depths of hell, and no one on this ship could change my mind about it.

‘You look like it was a good night!’ #Jasper’s grinning face greeting me when I looked up from the table. ‘Are you going to eat that?’ He sat himself down before pointing to my open (but untouched) ration pack. I pushed it towards him with a groan.

The sense of relief at seeing him walking around the ship these last few days had only been made better by the fact that he was eating a healthy portion of food. I’d seen the others giving #Jasper a little extra from their rations, to help rebuild what he had lost in healing from the radiation poisoning.

‘Thanks. You’re a life saver Rey.’ Even with the pounding head these words stung making everything else melt away. Biting my lips, I sipped my water. ‘So, have you been partying without me? And what are you taking? Come on Rey, I’ve got some catching up to do here.’

I placed my hand over his arm when he propped his elbows on the metal table towards me. “Jas do you really believe I have time to party with all the work there is to do on this ship?” He waggled his brows. “I don’t know what it was, maybe an allergic reaction to the hundreds of years old ice cream block thing, John and I were trying.” Rubbing the back of my hand over my forehead as I spoke. “It’s crazy how I felt this rush of energy when we were eating it, and then all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball to sleep.”

Shaking my head as I thought about sleep, it had been the first night since leaving earth behind where I hadn’t woken up more tired than when I closed my eyes.

‘Sounds like a high and then a crash to me.’ #Jasper said as a matter of fact. ‘It’s when the mind and your body are overly stimulated, and then… you know…’ With his hand he gestured making the sound of a firework going up, followed by a bang, and a sputtering sound of it coming down again. ‘What goes up, must come crashing down.’ Laughter erupted from him as whatever reaction he must have observed in my face. People having whispered conversations on the tables around us all turned to look, making me hunch and hide myself.

#Jasper was unphased by the looks we were given, making me smile internally slightly. He was back. Jasper… our Jas… he was coming back to us slowly. The scars of his time on Earth had made deep indents on his body and soul for all to see. One look into this boys’ eyes told you how much he had endured and survived, and he sat here before me now smiling, joking, and still wanting to eat. I reached out my hand palm up, and without a beat or thought, he placed his free hand into it. Squeezing, lacing his fingers into mine.

‘Don’t… Don’t say it… I know… I overheard you and John when I was in the med bay. You don’t have to say any of that again.’ Tears burned the back of my eyes. ‘Hey...’ Squeezing my hand to bring my gaze up to meet his.  ‘I’m just pissed, you and John’ he emphasized John’s name. ‘Had a high without me, that’s just plain and simply wrong.’ He squeezed my hand once more, not letting it go as some of the others began to join us.

Entry One

〄 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝘿𝙞𝙖𝙧𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙅𝙤𝙝𝙣 𝙈𝙪𝙧𝙥𝙝𝙮

╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @ToldUIdSurvive

   ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: YEAR 2150

      ᵃⁿ @OsoKikThruOgeda  ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

     ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

I was sat at the table in the room that I shared with #Luna and #Emori. The notebook that Doc Lite had given me sat on the table. The slightly shiny Eligius IV logo winked up at me in the harsh lights. How the hell did you even start one of these stupid things? On the rare  occasion that farm station was granted a movie night I had heard about the idea of keeping a journal on paper. In the Sky Box, I knew it was one of the favourite therapy methods of the doctor treating the really crazy inmates… But they were digital, audio or video. I guess I was one of them now. But at least I was no longer an inmate.

#Jackson had told me to just start. I flipped open the notebook and picked up the pen.

I tried to remember why I was doing this… for Raven; so I could keep my arse out of lockup long enough to see her truly happy  (for more than a moment)… for #Luna and #Emori so they didn’t have to see me like that again. “Raven…” I muttered her name and remembered everything we had been through.

Then I wrote:

“Dear Raven.”

That was less crazy than Dear Dairy. My handwriting looked like  it belonged to a child. But it wasn’t like we had much occasion to write on paper on the Ark. I was typing long before I ever used a stylus on a screen to learn how to form the letters by hand. But paper… I’d never even seen it until I found the books in #Becca’s bunker.

There was a library on the Ark… but everything was in oxygen-sealed chambers you had to get approval to access it. It all seemed like a lot of work, so I had never bothered.

‘Just start.’ Jackson had said. So, I wrote again.

“So, I started… Now what?”

Then I stared at the page for who knows how long.

Entry Two

〄 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝘿𝙞𝙖𝙧𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙅𝙤𝙝𝙣 𝙈𝙪𝙧𝙥𝙝𝙮

   ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @ToldUIdSurvive

     ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: YEAR 2150

        ᵃⁿ @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

      ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

       ╰ᴱⁿᵗʳʸ:2

I was sat in the canteen, feeling…. Hell… good? Is that what this was? The notebook sat open on the table, my first ridiculous entry staring back at me. I was sure this wasn’t the kind of thing that #DrJackson had in mind for my therapy. But at least it was a start.

I stopped spinning my pen between my fingers and wrote:

“Dear Raven,

I feel… weird today. And a little hungover, are you sure that ice cream stuff didn’t have alcohol in it?”

I laughed and scratched my forehead with the pen. That stuff gave a mega energy boost and then it  just… crashed.

“It’s a good weird though. Like I finally got some sleep. Did you feel the same way? Did you sleep better too? Or was that just me? I hope not, I hope you slept too and feel better. I know it has something to do with you… Like on the island, maybe. We were  so used to each other's company, that maybe it just felt a little more like home, being together. I don’t know. But… I don’t ever remember you taking my hand before falling asleep…

Maybe it was just the ice cream… ”

I sighed and closed the book. I had to stop… I needed to be happy with having her in my life at all… wanting more always led to pain. And I knew the pain of losing her, that was unacceptable.

TBC...

•— Raven —•

“Well…” Coughs on my moonshine.

•— John —•

"See something you like, Stargazer?"

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head, pointing to the metal glass.  “Just a strong batch”

•— John —•

Smirks. “I'd be more inclined to believe you if you shared?” Quirking a brow.

•— Raven —•

Pulling my cup away and shaking my head.  “Oh. No. I’ve only just had a sip. I need two more before I share.”

•— John —•

I laughed and tipped the bottom of the cup up toward her lips. “Drink up then! A man could die of thirst here.”

•— Raven —•

Frowning with a smirk I take a sip.  “Someone would think you want my drink more than I need it.”  Taking another sip, then holding the cup out.

•— John —•

“Need it? To turn the frown upside down?”

•— Raven —•

“Turn what? Huh? Frown? Why would you do that?”

•— John —•

“Isn’t that why we drink moonshine? To…”  I raised my brow. “Enhance our moods?”

•— Raven —•

“Enhance?” Pulling back the extended hand. “I do not need any Enhances thanks. I’m perfect.” Tongue and cheek with the sarcasm dripping.

•— John —•

I reached out for the cup as she pulled it back. “Really? So… what are we drinking to?”I took the cup and sipped. Just enough of a taste to draw a line heat down into my stomach.

•— Raven —•

Letting my cup go, even if I didn’t want to. “Not dying today? Isn’t that worth a little something?

•— John —•

“So, you’re celebrating? Because I hate to be the one to tell you….” I leaned in close and whispered. “You’re doing it wrong! Celebrations normally come with smiles.”

•— Raven —•

Pulling back just enough to look at him. “Do you know what else is done with a smile?” Taking my glass back for a sip again. “Taking Dick to your foot and seeing how long it takes you to walk again. Shall we try it with a smile?”

•— John —•

I surrendered her glass without a fuss. “If it will make you smile... I might even stand still for you while you do.”  My expression was blank, not giving away if I was serious or not.

•— Raven —•

“Sure. Waiting a minute. WHAT?” My eyes shooting up in shock. “Tell me it’s not so? The survivor is willing to go down without a fight?” Handing the glass back.

•— John —•

At least that seemed to pique an emotional reaction from her. “I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me, Stargazer.” I took the glass an took a big swig this time.

•— Raven —•

“You know what. You can keep this glass.” Pointing to it, before looking around for another. “Before you really start to give up hope.”

•— John —•

I shook my head and smirked.

“Don’t worry too much Rey…” I chuckled darkly. “People might start to  think you care.” I winked at her. She cared… she cared about all of lives… I didn’t understand why… but even when she hated me, I was counted among those she cared for.

•— Raven —•

Rolling my eyes at him. “Don’t let your imagination run too wild there, Watcher. Some of us do think of others.”

•— John —•

I nodded and took sip. It stung… lately it felt like every time I tried to think of others, I made things worse or was punished for it.

“And some of us just suck it I guess.”

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head. “Nope. Some is us are just misunderstood.”  Shrugging my shoulders. “I hope.”

•— John —•

I laughed darkly and dragged my hand through my hair. “You sure know how to confuse a guy Reyes… I’ll give you that.” I drowned the last of the shine.

•— Raven —•

Watching him out of the side of my eye pulling the jar of shine out from under the table.  “You sound shocked. It’s like you don’t even know who I am.”

•— John —•

I laughed again this time a little less self-pitying.  “Okay… touché… I’m not on my A-game right now.”

•— Raven —•

“Not enough shine will do that to even the best of them. Let alone a survivor back on a ship.”  Pouring myself a fresh drink now.

•— John —•

I glanced out the nearest window at the still-burning planet below. “Better up here than down there.” I refilled my glass. “What think the chances are of the nerd squad figuring out how to make moonshine out of algae?”

•— Raven —•

Glancing out the same window at the burning planet that had been home for a little while. “Hmm?” Shaking my head and the. Nodding. “Hmm… if we know them. They are working on it as we speak.”

•— John —•

“You mean working on the bunker?” I asked her… I mean even when the planet stops burning, I will still be five years before we can survive on the ground… right?” I filled the glass again. “I just hope when we go back…. we land nowhere near Polis. I don’t think I have it in me to survive another war.”

•— Raven —•

The glass that had been meant for my lips stopped midway and hovered there as his words sank in. “Land nowhere near Polis?” I whispered.

“We wouldn’t have a say, five years is a long time. And we would have to watch everything to see where we could bring again.”

I was talking to myself. Maybe. “I…. Maybe… it’s…. Possible?”  I didn’t know if it was right now. “Hmm… time will tell.”

•— John —•

“How many beginnings have we had already?” I laughed... Because what else could we do but start again. “Maybe Sangedakru have the right idea... Just keep moving... That you can't ever lose a home.” Too many memories of the mansion... allowing myself to feel like I was home... allowing myself to believe I had been accepted by the people there. It was painful to think of it now.

I shook away the thoughts of it and drank, burning the feeling away. “You know the grounders won't just let it go... That Jaha and the great of Skaikru stole the bunker.”

•— Raven —•

“That’s not that answer. I refuse to believe it is.” The mansion had become home. “Home is where we can make it work, for however long.” Taking a sip from the jar as he had stolen my glass. “So, it’s up to us to show them we aren’t all the same lowlifes to do as the others did.”

•— John —•

“I never really had one before... Not since...” I shook my head I wasn't going to go there. “We knew the Mansion wouldn't last... And we-- I...  let it--” I turned my gaze to her realising she was drinking from the jar and offered her the glass instead. “Could you really do it again? Let a place be home knowing you'd lose it eventually?” the question was genuine. I wanted to know... To see if it was possible for me too one day.

•— Raven —•

Turning to face him again, my hazel eyes a little damp from the memories that would live with me until the final sleep closed my eyes.

I took the glass from him, setting the jar down to have a drink and then looked to the burning planet once again.  “It is. It has to be. otherwise, I would have given up fighting and died a long time ago.”

My freed hand moved to rub my hip without thinking about it.

“Home is people, John. Not places. Maybe we gave too much emphasis and forgot the truth? So, yeah. We can make it happen again. I will make it so.”

•— John —•

Dragged my hand through my hair... Just so could hide my face while I tried the swallow the limp in my throat at her watery eyes. I was afraid to have hope... So, all I said was. “You called me, John.”

I followed her gaze to the window, then moved it down to her hip when she rubbed it. “I bet you miss the pool though.” It was the only time I remember her at complete peace.

•— Raven —•

Our home was burning up before our eyes. The last time it happened we weren’t even alive.  Sighing and taking another sip from the glass before holding it out for him.

“It’s your name.” My voice was low. I knew what he was saying. “A person’s name has their identity in it. I don’t want to take yours away from you.”

Reaching over to lean my shoulders on the side of the window I closed my eyes. “I am going to miss those nights. Looking up to the stars. And the floating. But we have ZoneGs up here.”

•— John —•

That chuckle slipped past my lips again and I silenced it as fast as I could. “I suppose it is.” but we both knew that John and Murphy we're two different people.

Only days ago, I could have put an arm around her and taken some weight off that painful hip... But today I had to let her lean on the window. I swigged from the jar.

“Not sure we could justify a spacewalk in place of a fistful of pain meds.” this chuckle was more... Amused. “Is the anywhere inside the ship without gravity? Only the rotating parts of the ship have it right? Like on The Ark?”

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my eyes, I took another sigh as I reopened my eyes. My mind trying to concentrate however it had been a while since sleep was had, and the shine was doing its job.

“You’re a buzz kill. And here I thought it was my job to do that.” One last glance out the window before I turned back to look at him.

“I’m not sure yet. I still have a lot to learn about this ship. This ship is much older. Have you seen the wooden benches and the way they are bolted to the ship? I mean it works... however, unlike anything I’ve seen in my training.”

•— John —•

"Really? That's a first?" I chuckled. I could honestly say that was one thing no one had ever called me.

"Oh yeah, I got up close and personal with them in the brig." I turned to her and smiled... "I'm sure there's a way to figure out where the ship has oxygen and zero-g right? I mean... you are Raven Reyes after all?"

•— Raven —•

“There’s. First time for everything.” Shifting while leaning on the window at remembering him in the bring and how I left him there, I took a gulp from the glass emptying it.

“I will work it out. Just not the first priority on the million things on my list of things I need to work out.Every ship in space has a Parabolic chamber. A place the oxygen can be reduced to the atmosphere within,  to hit an internal zero gravity. It won’t take long to find it and simulate the exterior of the ship.”

•— John —•

I smiled, shaking my head. “I mean sure...I have no doubt... But aren't you the only mechanic in this ship right now?” I sipped on the moonshine.

“Seems like a priority that the only person with the skills to keep this tin can in orbit, should be right up there on that list... And if her pain relief can come in the form that isn’t drugs that will knock her out...” I shrugged.

“Just seems logical.... But i’m just the delivery boy.” I smirked.

•— Raven —•

Straightening up the moment he pointed my pain out. Crap! I hadn’t been thinking how my standing here would look to others.

“The ship in standing, and it has been for hundreds of years. I’ve given it a once over. My priority was to get back and save your arse as well as everyone else.” Did he think I was slacking or not doing my job?

“I’m doing the best I can Murphy. Right now. Making sure people don’t die up here when and if we put them to sleep, is the highest priority. Sorry if I’m not working fast enough for you.”

Frowning I set the glass down to the side. “I guess my break time it over. I should get back to work.” Shaking my head, what was I even thinking? He was right. I didn’t have time to stand around daydreaming.

•— John —•

Shit! That took a nose dive… fast. “Rey, wait!” I held out my rm in front of her… still making sure she could step around me if she wanted to. “That’s not what I meant… I just…”

I pulled my arm back and dragged in through my hair. My fingers clenching a bit. “Remember when we could talk and actually hear each other? Understand…. Each other.” I stared at the floor. “It wasn’t that long ago it.”

•— Raven —•

Stopping before I walked into him my eyes moved all over so that I didn’t have to made eye contact with him.

My heart sank thinking of those times. When we could sit in one another’s company, not say anything and know it was fine. And when we did speak. It all just made some form of sense. Even if we didn’t see eye to eye.

“Doesn’t seem like we still have that… connection anymore.” I finally said. And I missed it.

•— John —•

I managed to look at her now. And it hurt, it hurt to see that this fact caused her pain. I’d caused her too much pain already.

“But just something is broken… just because I… broke it…” I cleared my throat when it constricted. “Broken isn’t the same as unfixable. Right?” I gave the best smile I could call up when I quoted the lovable Android from a book I had given her once. It really much of smile, my would felt heavy again.

Would she remember? Had she even finished that story? Did she know how broken I was?

•— Raven —•

My heart stopped beating for a second or two, thinking of the droid who said that. “Broken isn’t the same as unfixable…” I so wanted to curl up and read that book again. It had become one I went back to since he gave it to me.

“It doesn’t, however somehow, we keep ripping the bandage off before the scars are  healed. And each time… the wound is deeper.”

He wasn’t the only one… I broke us too. I had a hand in it. “I… mi…” shaking my head, as my throat closed. If I said it… I wouldn’t be able to take it back.

•— John —•

I couldn't let myself linger on what she might have said. There were too many things it could be... there were too many things that she could say to me and all of them would cut too deep. And deserved to say all of them to me after everything I had done.

"Every time I try to... " I clenched my jaw and cleared my throat. What was going to say? Make excuses for the stupid things I'd done... thinking they would fix things? Or at least start to... what was the point?

It wouldn't change the fact I'd done them. "I'm just... sorry."

•— Raven —•

Tilting my head to the side I watched him now. As in really watched. Was this the same as the last times? Where we would apologise to one another, and tomorrow would become another day when we betrayed the friendship we hoped to rekindle?

Or would this be the start of a new form of that friendship we shared on the island? Where we could sit and talk the night away. Eat crackers and chocolate sauce. I shook my head. Not raising to that hope in my heart.

“Actions Murphy. Not words. We both have a long path ahead of us.”

•— John —•

My eyes burned and I dropped my arm, I mangled what was going to be a sob into a laugh… “See… that’s where I just can’t seem to shine. I couldn’t cut it in the med bay… I tried to keep us all together and failed miserably at that… I tried to protect Luna and… well that was shit show.” I tapped my fingers reflexively on the sides of my empty cup. “It’s been so long since I cared about anyone but myself…. Maybe I just always sucked at it.”

I hadn’t meant to say that part out loud. Shit! I put the cup down. “I guess I…. I should get back to work too.”

I puked out two foil packets from my pocket and slipped them into hers. “These are the last two meals you’ve missed. No one is losing out because I gave them to you. Please eat… so at least I can say I did one thing right. Even if it’s just being a delivery boy.”

•— Raven —•

“Wait. You know what. Let’s agree to less action from you.” He was making a good point here, whenever John Murphy went to action. Things backfired. His face was proof of it. I pushed the two packages back towards him. “Give them to someone who hadn’t had as much as me over the last few weeks.”

Our time on #Becca’s Island had been good on those who were there. “Some of the kids look like they could do with extra. Please give it to them. I’m okay.” Pocketing my hands into the pockets of the jumpsuit that had now become my uniform.

•— John —•

"The harder I try the worse the outcome." I tried to make my chuckle sound real... but I wasn't sure if I succeeded. I shook my head and looked at her. "I um... I can't... if people think that I'm willing to break the rules or play favourites... It would cause problems." I cleared my throat.

"We'd up like we were on the Ark... using rations to trade power and influence. For as long as I'm on the code to that door... that's not going to happen again."

•— Raven —•

It surprised me that I could still see through the mask he sometimes put on... no... he put that mask on all the time. The only time I saw it come down was on the island, and now it was back in place.

My eyebrows pulled together, why hadn't I thought of this myself? of course if people saw the rules were bending for some, they would find ways for it to work for them.

Taking my hand out of my pocket I took the package from him. "I didn't mean it like that. I don't want things here to turn out like the Ark. I'm working as hard as I can to make sure this ship doesn't end up like the last one. But I guess I'm failing these things." Holding up the food packet.

•— John —•

“No… Rey, you’re not failing. I just… I..” I sighed and dropped my gaze to the floor. Again.

“I’m trying to do something right. And as much as o would love to give more to the kids… or the pregnant lady from Trikru… I can’t.” I looked at the package in her hand. “It just can’t be me. If they think Skaikru is being unfair with food… then…”

I didn’t need to finish that sentences she knew that all hell would break lose. “I’m trying not to fuck this up. I really am.”

•— Raven —•

My feet twitched to move a step closer towards him, however I stopped the impulse. It wasn’t my place anymore. Rubbing the bridge of my nose, the frown deepened on my features.

“No… I get it. I understand… they can’t see the one who is in charge of the food paying more attention to one person or clan. It could begin a clan war when we only just got them to sit around a table without wanting to kill one another, or us.”

I hugged the pack to my chest. “I shouldn’t have asked you too. I should have known better than this.” He was trying to do better? That meant he was thinking about his actions and their reactions. That was new, wasn’t it?

•— John —•

“I’m just… I’m trying to do this right. I know that they will all likely be sleeping soon. But I understand the impulse, especially with the little kids, some of them were half starving before the radiation.” She looked…. Shifty… this conversation, all our conversation now so awkward.

“But I promise you, I worked hard on the meal plan. I did everything I could to make sure everyone got what they need. The kids and the pregnant woman get extra protein and nutrition packs. They’re getting everything they need… other than flavour and feeling full.”

Just like on the ark. When we actually received our ration, we were well nourished… but never satisfied.

•— Raven —•

Taking another heavy sigh. “Well nourished… however… never satisfied.”

Those memories felt like nightmares for those who didn’t even receive their allocation. How things had been for me too before #Finn and his family had stepped up for a girl who didn’t belong to them. “I know. I know.” And some part of me did know. “It’s the one thing the council actually agree on. That everyone is receiving food. That there is no division involved when the food is shared.”

And now I found myself half smiling. “It’s nothing like the food we ate at home.” clearing my throat the moment the word had left my lips. “I mean… on the island..”

•— John —•

I was sure that some people were sharing rations or maybe even going without so their kids or elderly could eat better… but I was the face they all saw handing out the food. I couldn’t be the one breaking the rules. Even if it was helping someone with a greater need.

“It’s okay.” I told her. Letting the subject of rationing go. “I still call it home too:”

•— Raven —•

My eyes shot over to John, for him to admit that he thought of a place like home couldn’t have been easy. Or was that just me? Sucking in a deep breath through my teeth a shiver washed over me as my eyes turned back to the window. “Our home is burning.” That thickness in my voice evident.

“It feels like a dream now.” Finally admitting the sensation of dread growing inside.

•— John —•

I heard the shudder in her breath and the sadness in her voice… “Yeah.” My voice cracked. “I know you say home is where your people are… but… the place. Even with the luxury and the beds… the showers. It’s not even all of that…” I cleared my tightening throat.

“It was not being hungry. Not flinching are every footstep behind you… not being treated like…” I stopped. It hurt her when I used the word cockroach… but would it still? Or was that how she saw me again?

•— Raven —•

My body tightened waiting for the word I knew he would use at the end of this sentence, the dislike of it ran down to my core.

However… it didn’t come… turning my head slightly to bring him into my sight line I watched him with some hesitation. And still it did not come. “A place where you do not need a knife to sleep, or a gun? Where you finally could remove your shoes because you knew you were save and sleep wouldn’t be filled with nightmares.”

Saying the words with the memory of a knife being place to my throat because of his nightmares.

•— John —•

The watched the planet burn… I could feel her gaze on my cheek. But I couldn’t lol at her… I was afraid of what I might see in her expression. Judgement was never her style…. Disappointed, though, that was impossible to hide. Had the girls told her about my makeshift alarm? or how badly I missed my handgun? All our weapons had been taken when we disembarked from the transport ship. The only thing I managed to keep was my hunting knife.

I flinched… I remembered how close if come to killing her with that knife… I never kept it near me when I slept anymore. Did that mean her dreams were getting bad again? We’re they as bad as mine?  “I’m still really sorry about that… but the nightmares… you they weren’t as bad when you weren’t alone… on the island at least.”

•— Raven —•

Resting my forehead to the glass I waved him off. “You don’t have to be sorry for that.” I knew that he was thinking of the same night.  Certain that the reflection of the burning planet could be seen in my irises I left no space for anyone to see them.

“I’ve been alone for a long time, Murphy. The island was just a nice illusion. A moment in my life that I wished could be true. But then, it what always happens. I see the light in the darkness when the world tells me there is nothing. And now….” Would I give up? No. However, it just took longer to stand up again.

•— John —•

“Oh…” I blinked stinging eyes… there was so much in her words I should focus on but there two the stood out starkly… Murphy. I was Murphy again… and ‘I’ve been alone for a long time.’

“I… uh-“ I swallowed hard. Had she felt alone the whole time on the island? Had she never felt even a small amount of what I had… like someone believed in them… cared… like we were… a team at least, maybe just maybe friends? Had I been stupid to think she’d ever think it was possible?

I clenched my jaw to keep it from quivering. “I guess… ultimately we’re all alone.” What else could I say. That I was there, I was fighting for her to live, trying the make the last days of her life more than work and pain and survival. I couldn’t… because I had tried to leave… and now none of that meant a damn thing.

“At least, it was a pretty illusion… for a while.” I touched the glass… and wondered if it would have been better if I’d stayed. If I’d burned to the ground with the illusion of home and belonging. Death seemed more peaceful than the death of hope.

•— Raven —•

“Yeah.” The word thick in my throat. There were so many images and things flying around my memories.

#Luna returning with meat the first time.

#Griff and #Monty trying to learn how to sit still!

Everyone sat around the table eating, talking, laughing.

#Bells getting locked in the basement.

#Abby and #Kane smiling while sat watching the madness that was us…

John… teaching me to float in the pool…

John… sleeping at the end of my bed when I woke from my darkness…

John… showing me the rose garden….

John… breaking down on the beach.

John… who never really wanted anything but to survive. And that’s what he was doing. It was his truth, and he was proud of it. He had shouted about in loud and clear. So, really, I was the fool who thought he could want anything different.

“And now… this is our reality.”

•— John —•

The despair in her voice was too much to bare. The urge to hug her and tell her over and over I was sorry for letting down was too much... The only reason I was able to stop myself from doing was that I knew it would drive us further apart.

“I really hate this, Raven...” I said then realised she might assume I meant being on the ship considering what she had said last.  “Not out new reality... Though that kinda blows too... But it's better than the alternative. I hate this...” I pointed between the two of us... “We were... Friends? Or... Something? Right? And it wasn't easy to get there... For either of us. Is there a way back? Is there any hope? Or am I just making it all worse when I try? I know that it's my fault I do... I just... Do you want to get back to how things were there? Or do you me to stop?”

I felt like anytime we spoke, it ended in tears or unshed tears. And I didn't know if I was just torturing her at this stage or if I should let her go... I wasn't sure I could let her. If she wanted me out of her life I owed it to her to try.

“Am I making everything worse?”

•— Raven —•

Pivoting on my feet I turned so fast that it cased pain to shoot up my hip and into my back. Biting down on my lips was the only way to keep myself from letting it show, but my hand shot out to steady myself on the cold ship wall.

His words were on a repeating loop. with the realisation on the attempts, he was making. Whenever we took at couple of feet forward, we took ten back. When I felt like we were getting to a place we could balance some form of communication it impacted our relationship harder.

Shaking my head as I thought of his questions. But the true question he wasn’t concerned with. Why would he want to be friends with me? Why would he want to go back to what we had before?

“Maybe you should stop…”

Pushing off the walk I straightened my shoulders. I’d been getting him nearly killed every step of the way. People had shot at him, sea monsters had attacked him, I’d left him to die of radiation poisoning….

“Friendship with Raven Reyes is a bad idea. You will do better without it, Murphy. You don’t need me in your new life up here. It’s for the best.”

•— John —•

I laughed... and dark, twisted, incredulous and kind of manic laugh. A terrified and confused laugh... terrified, because of what she'd said... and confused because of why she said it.

"Rey..." I wiped the sleeve across my face. "I've never you what you'd be better off with or without in your life have I? With the exception of more sleep... Food... water and occasionally a little more fun, right? Which we both know you'd have forgotten about if I'd let you."

I started walking towards the ledge at the base of the window, hoping she would follow me and sit down too. I could see she was hurting.

"Because you... you don't need any help making choices about who should be in your life. If you don't want me to part of yours... I'll try to respect that. But don't think for one second that I'll be better for it. I don't want a new life. I couldn't have one even if I did... I don't deserve one, I have caused pain, I've taken lives... I failed to save lives anytime I had a chance to." I looked up at her.

"Every time, Rey... except for one. And that's why it won't be easy to just..." I shook my lungs felt like they were being squeezed.

"Walk away... because I'm kind of invested in trying to keep you alive. Even though I know you can do that all by yourself. So, there's no world where it's best for me. But if all I do is cause you pain... then... I'll... keep my distance. I'll try... I'll get another room and you can move to the room with the girls, you should be with them... they miss you and you'll sleep better. If I'm the reason you're staying away; I can... I can do that."

•— Raven —•

I took a step back because his words hit like a slap in the face after a ice cold shower.

Which world had he been living in all this time? Hadn’t he seen the way the rest of us took to him the moment he opened up? How everyone came home for dinner because of him, how they all had memories from the island, because of the atmosphere he had created?

He’d went to sit, it for some reason felt like he wanted me to join him? After what I’ve just said, he still wanted to talk to me? To be here, to tell me that he wasn’t better off without me? this boy had to be a glutton for punishment. There was no other explanation for it, right?

Walking over tentatively, I took a seat beside him facing forward. Thinking about my own words before replying.

“Not a single one of us has clean hands. Not one of us can hold out a hand and say, ‘I’m clean of any wrong doing.’ Well… maybe Monty….” Shaking my head before my was digressing now.

“You keep saying that you don’t deserve things. And yeah. I’m the first one to tell you when you fuck up. And Murphy… you royally fuck up every step of the way.” Now I turned my head to look at him.

“I am not taking your room; I’m not taking you from the two people who are keeping you safe. And I’m not staying away because of you… I’m staying away….”  I couldn’t say it.. I knew he’d fight me over it. But it was true.

•— John —•

The was a deep satisfaction when she came to sit down. Knowing that in some way she still responded to me, even if she wasn't sure why. That there were still small ways I could look after her without knowing I was doing it.

It I was giving myself too much credit and she just felt like sitting down. It was a comforting illusion for the second it had lasted though.

“That's not the point Rey... You know that... Maybe some of us do deserve a redemption story... Maybe some have earned it. A lot of us haven't and never will. But that doesn't let off hook for the things I did. I have to pay the price for it... Whether I'm locked up or not.”

I turned when I felt her eyes in me. “You wouldn't be taking anything... I'm offering it willing. And #Luna and #Emori could use the deep with me...” I shrugged... I hadn't meant to let that slip.

I lightly bumped my shoulder against hers. “It's okay. You don't have to tell me. But... I wish...” I inhaled deeply and blow out the breath. “I really wish that you 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 to Raven.” Something deep in the pit of my stomach burned. I wanted to know...

I needed to know why, to know if I could fix this. To know if it was because of Miles Fucking Shaw.

•— Raven —•

‘Maybe some of us do deserve a redemption story... Maybe some have earned it. A lot of us haven't and never will.’

Did John Murphy know just how true his words were right now?  However, I knew he believed it was him who didn’t deserve the redemption. When in truth…. It was me.

The bump to my shoulder catapulted me back to the night he hidden the good bottles of wine and brought them out for me to drink by the pool. How he had made me sit with my feet in the water so that the pain would lessen.

I shook the memory off. “It’s not the want…. It’s the burden of something no one needs.” Rising my eyebrows at him. “What do you mean?” Where his nightmares back? “Are… your... nightmares back?”

•— John —•

“It’s not a burden Rey... But I would like to know why nothing seems to be able to bridge the gap between us... And I know that made it, but...” I shook my head, why we're words so fucking elusive?

“I know I haven't earned it...” I knew what needed to do... I needed to lay it out there. Like I did that first night on the island when I screamed at her to just let me help her.

Thankfully I didn’t need to scream this time, I was just too exhausted. I was always exhausted lately. “I miss you... If you aren't staying away because of me... Then you're either staying away from me or for a reason I can't fix... And I don't know what to do if that's the case.”

I dragged my hand through my hair. Flashes of the dreams; finding Raven dead in a tank... Or not finding her at all... I flinched.

“Yeah...” I nodded slowly. “Aren't you?” I knew they were. I had seen it myself.

•— Raven —•

Leaning back, I dropped my head onto the cold inner wall of the ship. Closing my tired eyes thinking how or if I even wanted to share. We were so bloody broken… all of us… that I didn’t even know where to start. I didn’t move when I heard him say he missed me. Because that was like saying he missed death.

“I just need space. I had a mission, a reason for being. I had…” opening my eyes to look up at the ceiling. “I had an end date. And then… everything got taken out of my hands. Every wrong step I took brought us back up here.”

My chest felt tight. “I’m not a good person to be around anymore. It’s better for everyone.” Frowning my eyes moved to him. “It’s this place. Being up here. It’s the reason they are back. And I brought you up here.”

•— John —•

Another dark light escaped me... “Yeah that's another conversation we need to have... I thought we had a deal, Reyes. I let myself start to care about you, won't can you alive long enough to save us all... And then you were supposed to die...” I shrugged at how ridiculous it sounded... But at the same time it rang true. But I had let myself fall too far.

“But here we are... I did my part and you...” I laughed now not so darkly. I knew I could get slapped for it, but I tugged on her sleeve and shifted closer to her. Letting her lie against my arm instead. “You’ll hurt yourself... But you have to realise how insane that sounds right? You brought us up here because Jaha tried to kill us all.

Again.

We’re both here, we’re both alive. And I know for a fact that you are wrong about being a bad person to be around. you aren't wrong often, Raven. But when you are... You do it thoroughly... Which is classic Raven Reyes style.”

•— Raven —•

“Sorry to disappoint you. What can I say? We all knew how much of an overachiever I was born to be. I even won the race against death itself.”

When he tugged me closer, I allowed it. Because that was something I recognised, a conflict between the us now versus the us before this shit show went to hell.

“Insane?” Shaking my head slightly because was it really? “Sometimes the most important parts of us can feel insane, but then… the truth is something everyone still don’t like to see.” He didn’t see me in the same light I saw myself. But then it was the same the other way around too.

I rubbed my hands down my thighs gripping on at the mention of #Jaha. That man… he’ll wasn’t going to be his final destination.

“Overachiever,…. Remember…. If I plan to mess up… I will do it royally.” Sighing I rubbed my leg again. The fact that the two of us were sitting here. Talking…. Listening…. It was a start, right?

“Why is it you see the good in me when I show you the bad and the ugly. But… you refuse to see the same in yourself?”

•— John —•

I chuckled. She was so stubborn. But she wasn't shoving away from me. “You didn't mess up, Raven.” I said quietly. “All the people I love would be dead if you didn't save yourself. You’re the reason I still have family.” I didn’t add that there was part of that family missing because it was pathetic and a guilt trip she really didn't need right now.

“I had started to...” I had started seeing myself through her eyes. “And then... I just...” blew it all up? Royally! “I don't know... Maybe I was deluding myself. But there's nothing ugly about you, Raven.” I smirked. “Unless you count the way you drool when you're in a coma.” I made a mock hissing sound. “Not a pretty sight.”

•— Raven —•

That…. Hurt…. Like a BITCH!

Because in all honesty if he truly felt as though he was deluding himself, that meant the John I grew to care about and call a friend…. He never existed.

Stinging began to prickle behind my eyes, and I laughed turning my head away to hide until I could be sure I was under control.

“I wouldn’t have let anyone keep you and your family apart.” Swallowing the lump in my throat. “They know you and care for you.” And maybe it was all for the best. Had I made him act differently to survive? Was that all his way to make sure he stayed alive?

I laughed again. I couldn’t blame him, and I wouldn’t. "Jok of, Mofi…. I do not drool. And if I did… it would be sexy at hells.”

•— John —•

I she was shifting against my arm, making me newly aware of how close we were again. It was one step close to how things were, and maybe it wouldn't last beyond this moment... But maybe it would. Just in case... I memorize every detail.

"Raven." I whispered. "I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you... but in the interest of honesty... which I think is what you want from me..." I took a breath. "With this space between us... my family s apart. And I'm not saying that to get you to come and stay with us or anything like that, not unless you want to.  I just mean this... broken... whatever the hell it is between us. I know everything is different here... but I also don't believe that the only reason we were able to become friends was because you thought you'd be dead soon, so let yourself get close to me."

My chest tightened, had I said too much? But it was true... I knew it was possible, but if I let myself believe it was true then there was no hope of ever having this woman back in my life. I wasn't ready to accept that.

•— Raven —•

Blinking my eyes while I couldn’t believe I heard him correctly right now. He hadn’t meant that, right.

“You keep trying to cut yourself off from your family.” I told him. “Family doesn’t have to be liked. We all just show up for one another. Until you discard them.” taking a deep breath. “It’s what I’ve been telling you from the start. But you never trusted me enough to believe me.”

Rubbing the bridge of my nose.

“I really need another drink.” Thing time I looked to him. “I didn’t mean that our friendship was only due to the fact that I was dying. I mean. I’m sure there were times you wanted to bring my death closer, and I couldn’t blame you for it.”

•— John —•

l opened my mouth to talk, but I wasn't sure what to say, she was right. "I know. But... It's not intentional, I think I'm doing the right thing... I think I'm protecting the people I care about. Next thing I know I'm being thrown in the Brig, reading graffiti about #Shaw snitching on his crew."

It was low blow, but it felt good. I cringed when it sunk in. I’d just done it again. "And I just can't seem to stop." I scoffed at her statement about a drink. "I hope #Monty and #Jasper finds some time to make a still soon. "

I paused thinking about those moments on the island when it felt life, she was trying to make me crazy. "Maybe not kill you... " I chuckled. "But I won't lie, the temptation to reaper stick you was hard to resist sometimes.”

•— Raven —•

“You know it’s why our friendship worked down there. You told me your crazy ideas and I talked you into doing them a better way…. Except for Monty’s room. I’m not giving you any credit for that.”

Adding a joke into the equation happens naturally as it used to on the island. “Speaking of.” I turned to face him now. “What did you think was the end game with that move which got you in the brig? Did you even think that plan through?”

Should I tell him I had been told what happened to him in there after I left? “I’m… sorry… I pushed to the point where only a reaper stick was the answer.”

•— John —•

I laughed. "We really did have some good times, didn't we? And I can give you the credit for that one you elevated that prank to the next level. All I did was crack his password."

I looked down at the floor and tried not to smirk... "Oh I thought it through.  I was just going to hold up somewhere defensible and wait for you to save the day. I thought that was obvious."

I nudged her again with my shoulder. "I wasn't serious Raven. Apart from a time or two when I thought that you would never sleep, But I never would have done really... apart from the seizures." I didn't want to bring up ALIE.

That had been the ultimate violation, she didn't need a reminder of it.

•— Raven —•

“Wait…” Frowning as I let that little information settle into my mind. “Your big plan of action was to get a weapon, and hide up with Emori and Luna until I fixed the mess?” Okay. It wasn’t the best plan he had come up with since I knew him. “What part of that plan was about taking over and attacking everyone on this ship?”

Why had I been told and believed that he would take things into his own hands? He was just trying to hide until the mess with the others was cleaned up?

Shaking my head. “Payback. It’s a bitch and she is coming for you. I don’t care if you were trying to make me sleep.” I didn’t really care about the reapers. Well, not now. At the time, I wanted to kill him when he stuck me with one.

•— John —•

I and ran my hand over my face… hearing it asked like that made it sound even more ridiculous.

“None of it.” I laughed. “But Lt. Soldier Boy -“ I gave a mock salute. “Started throwing around the word mutiny and tossed me in the cell. Jackson and Harper were there… they’ll tell you exactly what I said. They thought I was an idiot… but they also tried to stop #Shaw.”

I shuddered a little. I didn’t want to think about it. “But…. I didn’t hit him… so I get points for that right?” I was pathetic that the easiest part or that memory was being man handled through the ship.

•— Raven —•

Pushing his hand down from the so-called salute he was attempting, the crease between my eyebrows was prominent. “This makes no sense at all.” Muttering it to myself as I let the parts of the two stories fall into place.

 “Miles isn’t the type to run off on the deep end.” and yet I believed what John was saying. The fact that he wanted to take over the ship was the side that wasn’t connecting for me.

“And the bloody in the cell?” I asked him. “If you didn’t hit Miles… he hit you?” Again, I was missing something here.

•— John —•

"How well can you know the guy really?" I raised a brow and started again before she could answer. I really did not wanna know the answer to that question, and I had no right to it either.

"All I know is the second that I started looking for #Jasper he twisted my arm behind my back and boom I'm locked up."

I cleared my throat... the blood... shit...  how did she?... "You went back to the cell?"

•— Raven —•

“You know how well I know him. We were the ones to wake him up. To break the news how much time had passed since they were in there… we were the ones who lost part of his team… he is going through a lot…” Sure, I felt guilty about the lives we lost, and everything #Miles and #Lizzy had lost. And they were still helping us.

“Of course, I went to the cells. As soon as I heard I went to the cells… but..” I worked my fingers. “I was too late again…” I was failing him and the others so much these days.

•— John —•

I hadn't realised there more of the original crew member in cry than the ones that were still on board... “I'm not so sure he was best friends with his crewmates. Not according to a graffiti in that cell...”

I sighed... I knew that if it was #Shaw that told I was certain heard a cock-eyed version on the events.

“The blood... Wasn't a big deal. I cut my hand.  But I’m sorry... I know you had more important things to do than run around after me.” my eyes were on the table between us. I couldn't meet her... An uneasy sense of shame wound it's way around my chest and squeezed.

I knew their plenty of things about me for people to dislike... Even hate... But this new addition of me being crazy was one I hoped she wouldn't need to see.

•— Raven —•

“You don’t have to like someone or be liked by them to feel their loss. They all went through something in their time, on this ship. Together they loved it all out. The good, the bad, and the ugly too.”

I hadn’t expected John to be so judgmental. Making a note to check the cells put to see what was written in there.

“Please don’t apologise. I shouldn’t have left you in there. I shouldn’t have turned my back and walked away from you like that.” My eyes watched closely as I spoke now.

“You just cut yourself? In the cell? And there nothing more to it? And here I thought we were being serious about honesty between us.”

•— John —•

I shook my head... I had nothing good to say about Miles right now, so I let that comment go.

"That's not..." I stopped myself. "Look, I won't lie... at the time that's what I thought you were doing. But I wasn't... I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm not going to lie to you, But I didn't want you worrying or thinking..." I didn't say I didn't want her to think I was a total nut job.

"I had a bit of a panic attack, and I ended up cutting my hands. But it wasn't a big deal, no stitches or anything. It's not gonna happen again so there's nothing to worry about.”

•— Raven —•

Another slap In The face. That’s what I was feeling now. At this rate there wasn’t going to be anything left to heal and fix.

Maybe he was right, maybe there was nothing left between us to be fixed? I couldn’t and wouldn’t blame him for what he felt. Fuck. It’s what I felt “By you said not to worry, it does the opposite. You know that, right?”

Shame filling me light a led balloon in this moment. “A panic attack? As strong as the one you told me about in the bunker? The one of the island?”

•— John —•

“I know.” I combed my fingers though my hair. “I remember being on the other of that line…” My gaze fixed on her. “So, I know how it feels. But I’ll… do  what I have to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Even if that meant therapy sessions with #Jackson. I shook my head then. “No… it was nothing like that.” Should I tell her? She was worried anyway… maybe the unknown was scarier to her than anything else. “It was… like I couldn’t breathe, almost as though someone was squeezing the air out of my lungs and…” I ran my hand over my chest at memory. “I think I was afraid it was a heart attack or something crazy like that. I thought I was going to die, and I was afraid to… in the bunker I wanted to… but now? I have too much to lose.”

I locked my blue eyes on hers. “Raven, you know that I know you’d never have believed you’d leave me in there, right? Not if I wasn’t freaking out… it was… it was like some else took over my though thought process and no one in the world was on my side.” It was how I left when they hung me, when I was banished… when the grounders caught me. “Even when Luna grabbed me, I thought she was going to hurt me… until Jasper… I don’t know what he did. But he stopped it.”

•— Raven —•

My eyes stung listening to what he went through. The image of watching him on the beach by that small bunker, the celerity I witnessed without him knowing. It all came rushing back to me.

Swallowing the humongous lump in my throat, my voice broke when I spoke. “I’m so sorry that I allowed you to be in a place where you felt this way.” Dropping my eyes, because I couldn’t face him seeing the same exuding from mine.

“You say you didn’t believe it, however the darkness in you did. So… some part of you lost faith… faith and trust.. the two things that are the most important things in our lives. The two things we work so hard to protect.” I had fucked up so badly. I really didn’t have the right to ask him to forgive me.

•— John —•

“I never would have known to call it a panic attack… not that I hadn’t ever heard of them. I guess maybe it felt like admitting weakness.” I sighed I wanted to reach out and lay my hand on hands.

“I guess maybe I am small idea what it was like from having this thing in your mind. Twisting the shape of your thoughts against your will. I mean it’s different, you mind was violated… mines just… broken. But I know you Raven, when my thoughts are mine, I know you wouldn’t do that. So, I’m the one that should be sorry, for letting my faith in in you waver.”

•— Raven —•

Damn. I knew these feeling so well. Reaching out finally I told his hand closest to me, curling my fingers around his and squeezing tight. Letting him know I was right here.

“We’ve had so much happening to us in our short lives, that it would be a miracle if someone came out unbroken.” Allowing myself to think before continuing.

“However, broken isn’t a word I like. Being violated… is a good way to explain it. When you feel like you are a bystander in your own life, with your own actions. When you can hear and see, but the doing is out of your hands.” I squeezed his hand again.

“You have nothing to apologise for. We… I… you….” Shaking my head again. “How can I help you? You were there in my times of darkness, you held me and stopped me from hurting myself and others… let me do the same for you?”

•— John —•

Breathing was suddenly easier, even if he acts like her taking my hand. She had been tortured too... But it was much worse than what happened to me. They used her own memories to hurt her, every painful thing that happened to her all at once.

“I wasn’t there for the worst of it. But... I’ll never regret dragging you out of that bed in Arkadia.” I ran my hand over my face and reached out with my free hand to clasp hers between both of mine.

“You’re already doing it, Raven.” I squeezed her hand like shed squeezed mine. “This gapping hole between us makes me feel hopeless... But when we can talk like this... I feel... Maybe... Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can... Be... Better.”

•— Raven —•

My hazel eyes were on our hands. The fact that we sat here holding one another together without needing to feel anything that was pure was a new chapter.

“Maybe you should, would have saved yourself being punched, kicked, shot at, being eaten by a sea monster, and shot at some more.”  Mentioning the torture was just too dark for this moment.

“Can we…” I started but stopped. “Remember when I told you on the island you need to be better for yourself? Not for anyone else? That still stands.” Dragging my eyes to meet his again.

“Can we…” I tried again. “Can we… try again?”

•— John —•

“I would don't all again, Stargrazer...” gave her a real smile, even if my soul still felt heavy. Easier to bear in this moment... But heavy.

“Only because I can take some of get credit from saving the human race... Because if you died there, we all be dead now...” I was teasing but it was sort of true... Not that I would ever claim credit and mean it.

“And... It is for me, Raven. It is... It's what I want, it's who I want to be, but I can't do it without your help. I've tried... I'm trying but every decision I make is the wrong one.” My blue, stinging eyes locked on hers.

“That’s all I want Raven… I know it’s too much to ask, but if you can forgive me and try this again… I swear I’ll prove myself. I won’t let you down again.” The corners of my vision blurred and the fought the to blink, knowing it would cause the tears to fall, even though it made my eyes burn.

•— Raven —•

Knocking my shoulder into his, my lips curled up into a smile even if it didn’t reach my eyes.

“No, you wouldn’t. You would never take credit. It would show people you care, and you cannot have that out in the ether.” I saw him, at least I thought I had. The boy on the island cared for others. He just needed to see people cared for him too.

Shaking my head, a little as I listened to him. “You’re not making the wrong decisions, it’s… we’ll… it’s just the way you try to execute the plan. Saving those you love. Good thing… making others think you want to leave them to die. Bad choice.”

My eyes darted across his face, watching, telling him in. He wanted the same. “Let’s close the door on what happened?” It would be damn hard for me not to think I let them down. But I would try. “A new chapter, with both of us making better decisions?”

•— John —•

"When people know you care they start to expect things from you.” I chuckled.

It stung to hear that but, I knew it was true. "I never wanted you or anyone else on that island to think that. That was why l got Jasper involved. But I get that it looked like that... And looking back now all can think of was that I probably would have gotten #Emori and myself killed.”

I squeezed her hand again. "A new chapter." is mined at her. "I don't think anyone's ever given me that chance before."

•— Raven —•

“Is that why you did it? Because you thought I expected something from you?” Did I? Did i expect him to give me something? Was I the one who pushed him to becoming whatever thing has become between us?

My eyes drop to our hands, we still held one another in place. But neither of us had let go. “It’s the least you do for those how cared for you. For those you call a friend. Second chances with no stings. We do our best. We fight, we make up. But we never give up.”

There it was… is given up a little…

•— John —•

"No... I mean... I don't think so..." Honestly, looking back I had no idea what I was feeling back then. All I knew now was how overwhelmingly stupid I was. "#Emori was really... really afraid. And she's like you in some ways, you know... I'd never seen her afraid before and I just wanted her too not be afraid anymore." I tightened my grip a little because it soothed that feeling in my chest of remembering how scared she had been.

I chuckled a little. "I'm glad to hear that... because I know I just told you I would leave you alone if you really wanted me too... But honestly... I don't think I could have. So, thank you... for saving me from breaking another promise to you."

•— Raven —•

Nodding my head I understood. The why he did it was never the issue for me. It had been the how. And sure… maybe some part of my hurt to see them all try to leave by leaving me a four line ‘Don’t die’, note after I had just died and saved my own life.

Sucking in a deep slow breath, because thinking of it all brought feelings and emotions back to the surface I didn’t want to think about.

“Well.. you know I’m here to serve. Whatever all of you need. I will deliver.” Giving him a small two finger salute with my free hand.

•— John —•

I watched my mind cycle into the dark and back out again, I knew I had hurt her… but now, seeing how much I hurt her… meant she had to have cared about me more than I had known.

“How come you get to do the sarcastic salute and I don’t?” I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. She still hadn’t pulled her hand free. “Not serve, Stargrazer. Save. You saved me… and not from Priamfaya or… not just from that. Long before then.

•— Raven —•

“Because I came this look damn good.” Knocking into his shoulder a little. “Why else.” Shaking my head. And then nodding it.

“Aren’t they one and the same? To server is to save when it comes to our now ship full of people.” Leaning forward a little I shifted myself.

•— John —•

I laughed and rolled my eyes. “You may be right… but you can right and full of yourself at once you know!” I teased her. Feeling lighter even as I turned pale blue eye on her.

“No, Raven… no it’s not the same. You choose to save people; you don’t do it because you should or because you have to. You are human… that means you are capable of choosing to only help yourself…. But because you are Raven Reyes… you choose to Damn near kill yourself the save as many people as you can. That’s not  service, it’s heroism.”

•— Raven —•

My heart quickened, mouth dried and eyebrows pulled to show that v indent between them. None of what he said felt real. He wasn’t talking about me. No… no… no. I had made so many mistakes, so many people had died because of me. And I was selfish. I had removed the code from the fear of death, when it could have helped me… maybe… find another way, where we weren’t up here.

But I didn’t say anything. Because this was John. He saw something I didn’t. So, I half smiled. “Raven Reyes… Stargazer!” Correcting him. “Don’t forget the stargazer.”

•— John —•

I made my way around the table and stop next to her. Only releasing her hand when l could put my term around her shoulder and squeezed. Feeling braver now.

"You'll always be the Stargazer to me, always."

•— Raven —•

My hazel eyes followed his steps around the table. Feeling the coolness once our hands came apart. Only then remembering how I’d been holding his.

Half smiling and then laughing a little. “Sure thing, Watcher. Nothing will stop us from here.” Winking as his arm held me.

•— John —•

There it was. That nickname she gave me after I’d revealed too much of myself, choosing the people to come with us to rescue Octavia and some of her (new) people. Showing her how I had everyone marked for their strength and weaknesses.

There it was.

Hope.

The thing I only felt standing at her side… metaphorically… and I supposed figuratively right now. “Have faith, Stargazer… because I do.”

•— Raven —•

“Did my ears hear your correctly? Did John Murphy just say he has faith? Cut me off the moonshine.” Well, soon there wouldn’t be any left so it wouldn’t be difficult. Half smiling, I let my head drop forward. Gazing down at the ships floor.

“Jokes aside… we need to do better.” Something has been saying since coming to #Becca’s island. “I know it’s hard for the two of use to trust and say what we think. But we need to do better.”

•— John —•

I laughed, even smiled at her. "If you can forgive me for all the shit, I pulled... Then anything is possible, Raven." I took my arms back and leaned on the table. This was still how, and l wasn't ready to break it again by pushing boundaries.

"It's not hard to trust your, Raven." l said softly. "It was at first. Not because of anything you did.“ It wasn't a lie to say that we had both done things to the other that would justify mistrust. But that wasn’t the difficulty I had.

“I lived my life with nothing to lose… nothing other than my life… and allowing myself to trust someone… meant I could lose that trust… or worse that person.” I turned my pale gaze on her again. “But if you can take the risk of trusting me again… I can have a little hope.”

•— Raven —•

My gaze caught his and didn’t let go, I needed him to know I was sitting here with all my cards face up on this table. That I was all in if he was. And that I knew it wasn’t easy, what I asked of him.

“It doesn’t have to happen overnight. If you need your space and time. “I’m not going anywhere.” Pointed around us. There was nowhere to go from here. “I don’t want to be that pushy person who wants everyone to get alone, it doesn’t pay off in the end.” I’d learning that lesson.

“So, take your time. Trust that you will be fine, and that losing someone, as hard as it is. There is a way to go on. We’ve all done it here.”

•— John —•

“I'm not so sure about that, Stargazer... I was pretty pushy, and it seems to have paid off.” I chuckled. Feeling a little lighter by the second. “I think too much space was our problem... We seem to work best when we're under each other's feet....” I nudged her with my elbow. “Or at each other's throats.” I laughed.

“I haven't lost anyone for real since... Well, I never let myself have anyone to lose until you and Emori and Luna... I almost lost you while you were still standing right in front of me... So no, I don’t want space or time... I just want to make up the time we lost.”

•— Raven —•

My eyes found his face again. He was using the Nick name now. That had to be progress, right? “More like under my skin.” It was said  tongue and cheek of course.

Because in all honesty I knew he was correct. “Space doesn’t do us much good.” Nodding my head and nudging right back. “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

He was the one to say he didn’t want space. So…. “Where do we go from here?”

•— John —•

"You'll have to wine and dine me if you want under my skin, Rey." I chuckled... but I knew that she would never mean it like that. But it was how I had always teased her and I right now her friendship was what I needed most.

 Offered her a smile. "We don't need to go anywhere, Raven. We've come home."

I laughed a little... looking around. "It's not as pretty as the last one." I put my hand on her back and led her out of the room with a view of the burning planet to the other side of the ship... Down two hallways and into a disused room... the window here was large too.

"But it has a pretty nice view... if you know where to look."

•— Raven —•

“You wish John, I’m not sure I could afford to wine and dine you.” Scoffing at him. I followed him as he led me away from the window. But not without taking one last glance back over my shoulder. The ship was quite, no one watching us or wondering what was happening,even if I knew some would be happy to see the two of us in the same space without fireworks going off.

“Where are yo—“ My words melted away with the big window came before me and my feet took me right to it. My eyes stung a little.

“You somehow always find the beauty when I think there is none.” He has done it the day I was mad at him on the island for upsetting #Luna. And he showed me what #Becca had hiding in the gardens.

Those statues and roses locked away in my memory banks. “It’s beautiful.”

•— John —•

“Not sure we’ll ever see wine again...” I chuckled. But that wasn't entirely true. I ignored her protests and just grinned.

“I like to know my surroundings.” I smiled... “Unfortunately.... Most of the room on this ship are locked... But I did find this little gem.”

I stayed quite a while and let her enjoy the view.

“I knew that you’d appreciate the view.” I spoke softly and told myself I didn't notice the way the moonlight lit up the gold flecks in her hazel eyes and cheekbones... Her features had softened on the Island, her cheek filling with the healthy glow of not-starving. It was fading again... Faster than she had regained it.

Before I knew it, I was gently brushing the back of my fingers along her cheek. “I need you to start eating again, Stargazer. Not more than you share, or anyone else... Just the rations everyone else gets. Please?”

Baby blue eyes lifting to meet hers.

•— Raven —•

The darkness was never ending, one in which I had spent the first part of my life living, but not I knew a different world, a different view, I’ve breathed air that hadn’t been recycled.

And yet… there was a familiarity up here which I hadn’t felt down there. The moon felt closer, as though reaching out to it would be possible. When I felt his presence closer, I broke my gaze away to find him looking at me. Really… looking. Before I could ask what was wrong his fingers touched my face and I froze.

His eyes were lost somewhere seeing me in a way I couldn’t translate. But the way in which he looked had my chest constricting. I parted my lips to speak, to answer a question but it wasn’t the one he asked. And when his baby blue eyes found mine. I just nodded slowly.

“I’m not doing it on purpose.” I whispered, “I just forget, or don’t feel hungry.”

Not saying that I was worried that I was going into some form of depression. Or Hyperactivity where the world around me stops existing. And after effect of living with the code in my head for so long. It was life. I just had to get on with it. I didn’t have time to question it.

“Can I trust you with the master code?” I asked taking a step back. “To the doors…”

•— John —•

“I know.” I whispered. Pulling my hand back, slowly, unwillingly. “That’s why I’ll remind you… when you do forget.” It was the least I could do after everything she’d done for me.

There was more… so much left unsaid. But I had no idea what it could be. Eating was only one thing. I knew she wasn’t sleeping either. But at least now I could try to help her.

“I don’t think Officer #Shaw would like that.” I chuckled, accepting the change in subject because we were both so tired now. And fully knowing he was a lieutenant. “He likes you… that probably works in favour of everyone you saved. I don’t think we should risk pissing him off. He definitely doesn’t like me.”

•— Raven —•

Letting out a small sigh, there was the other topic I needed to touch. However, I’d not planned for it to happen tonight and not here. But now was as good as a time of any. “Lieutenant Miles Shaw, Watcher. And you damn well know it.” My voice even and calm.

“Are you going to let me into the secret or not?” I asked. “What has Miles done to get on your bad side?” He had been nothing but kind to us, I’d taken over his ship, demanded we save all these people, people he didn’t even know. And he didn’t once think twice. He was kind hearted. But John and he just clashed. But why?

•— John —•

I chuckled... "Does it even matter? The United States stopped existing two hundred years ago." I smiled at her a little glint in my pale blue eyes. The moonlight was still making her skin glow faintly.

"Other than throw me into the brig?" I laughed and found a grate to pull over close to the window so we could sit on it and watch the universe go by.

I froze when she asked me my secret... telling her that now would be the end of all the progress we had made today. I knew that she would never feel the same about me... I was making peace with that. I just needed to be part of her life... and I would do that on whatever term worked for her. As long as I was part of her world. Then she clarified... I shook my head and laughed.

"That's not a secret, Rey... I don't like the way he looks at you... He's a creep... And... before I found you here, I went to your room, and he was lurking around in the hallway... I don't trust him, Raven. I can't explain it, but there's something about him... I know that you trust him, and I don't want to come between the two of us. I just want you to be careful around him."

•— Raven —•

Moving to take a seat, thankful that he found something we could use and still remain close to the view. I wasn’t ready to leave it behind just yet.

Rubbing my forehead, before I shifted to remove the jacket, I was wearing to cushion myself a little and settling down. “John…” that was so much to break down. And where was I even going to start?

“Firstly I’m sure Miles wasn’t lurking.. his room is the one next to mine. Like the next door. So, of course he would be there.”

But I felt a pang of guilt. “He was there?” My eyes moved to the door. Because that would only mean one thing. And I couldn’t tell John about it. It wasn’t my story to share.

“You don’t trust anyone right away, and that’s okay. I’m not asking you to become best friends.”

My face flushed as well. “And how does he look at me? I’ve noticed nothing wrong or untrustworthy from him since I’ve met him.”

Reaching out I patted the space next to me. “Do you think all of this… it’s just because Miles is new to the crew? How can I help you trust him more?

•— John —•

It took all my self-control not to burst out laughing when she said his room was next to hers... I let out an audible sigh. "Of course, he gave you the room next to his." I shook my head holding back laughter. that's..." annoying, frustrating... intolerable... frightening? "Fine..." I barely managed to say without gritting my teeth. I didn't get to tell her what kind of relationships she could have with anyone... even if it did make me want to break his nose.

"But I just think he has a hidden agenda... with you and with Skaikru and the other clans. Until I know what it is I don't think trust is on the table. But I'll make a better effort to not piss him off... for you."

•— Raven —•

My hazel eyes widened with the shocking realisation of what was happening here. It couldn’t be so…. It at least I kept telling myself that. “John…. Murphy….” Saying his name while pinching the bridge of my nose in frustration.

I wasn’t going to ask… because I knew it really couldn’t be the case. “Let’s play a game, shall we?” Tuning my body to face him again.

“The game is called. Just say it as you see it. And the rules are, we can’t lie.” Sighing I rubbed my hands over my thighs. “I will ask the first question…. What is it you think a man who has been in cryo for over hundred years could possibly want from us?”

•— John —•

I waited for it... braced for it... for her to tell me to mind my own business and say I was jealous... which I need to do and I clearly was, no matter how hard I tried not to be.

I sighed when she asked the question... glad she had said 𝕦𝕤 and not 𝕞𝕖. I stopped in front of the crate. Unclipping the buckles on her brace and loosening them but not removing them... "Might as well take a little break from this... this game could last a while." I chuckled.

"I don't know... but I wouldn't be quick to put the lives of these people in his hands the man did turn on his own crew after all."

I loosened the clasp at her ankle and sat beside her. "My turn... what do you think a man that been in cryo for 100 years wants from the gorgeous woman that woke him up and he subsequently had her move in the room next door to his?"

•— Raven —•

The moment flashed back to the mansion, to John and I sat by the side of the pool and where he always helped to remit and put my back on. Maybe we were truly on the way back to how things used to be?

I didn’t stop him, the moment the buckle was loose and relief was felt. Like the weight of the world had been removed. My lips parted, mouth opening and closing, okay. Maybe I wasn’t imagining things?

“Maybe he wants someone to be a friend. To talk to, to listen? Not everyone thinks with the brain between their legs.” Okay, most men did.

“He didn’t assign the rooms. They were first come. I wasn’t first up.” Frowning a little. “Do you think the only reason I have a room like mine, because someone wants in my pants?”

•— John —•

I smoked a little... She didn't tell me to get lost. We were finally on the right track. I chuckled... “It's entirely possible. All I can speak to is my instincts and usually when guy starts telling the other men in a woman's life to stay away...” I tilted my head and sucked in a breath. “He... Has other intentions. And I have no clue what kind room you have.” I teased. “I haven't been in any good the staterooms.”

I leaned my shoulder against hers. “But if the lieutenant is smart... He wants a whole lot more than just what's in your pants, Stargazer.”

•— Raven —•

Still frowning, I turned my eyes to the view as I thought over the interactions I’d shared with #MilesShaw. He has been lost, kind, listens to me when I needed to talk over my findings, came to talk to me about his experiences and concerns. But never once had he tried to act inappropriately.

“I think you are reading too much into things.” My body moved by his nudge bringing my eyes back.

“My room is t that different to the others. It just had a couch and a works desk in there. Helps me when I need to keep working on something.”

I’d taken tools and parts back to my room to work on when the others thought I went to sleep. It was also something for me to do when the nightmares became too much to handle. “Oh, so you are pumping me out to the new guy? He is cute and all.” Waggling my eyebrows at him.

•— John —•

I shook my head, either she didn't understand what I was saying... Or she like this guy so much she didn't want to. “I'm not sure how I could more into being told to leave you alone... But you trust him. I'm not going to tell you who you should or shouldn't trust, you're more than capable of making your own choices.” I sighed. I wasn't going to be like #Shaw and try to make those choices for her.

“Ha ha!!” I deadpanned. “No... But... He’d be stupid not to realise your much than a gorgeous woman, Raven... You're intelligent, brave... And   selfless to the point of self-destruction. I could go on, but I wouldn't want to stroke your ego too much.” I chuckled.

•— Raven —•

“Okay.” He wasn’t joking. This was the second time he’d said it. “When did Miles tell you to stay away from me? And why?” Why would Miles do that? I couldn’t grasp the reasoning behind such an act. Not on a ship where there was no getting away from people.

Now I was looking John in his eyes. “That’s an in-depth list you have there. And it’s fair to say the ego is taking notice.” Shaking my head. “You’re being overly nice. I’m nothing more than someone who is a workaholic. The rest just happens.”

I hadn’t known that John had been keeping notes. but why was I surprised? I had giving him the nickname of ‘the watcher.’ He saw it all and forgot nothing.

•— John —•

“Just before I found you.” I explained. “And you’re clever enough to guess why Rey… he knows we’ve known each other a long time, he knows I took care of you when you were sick… and he knows that you came from me before the other hundreds of people you saved.” She had to see what I was getting at. “He wants to make want to make sure his path to you is clear… and he thinks I’m in the way.” I chuckled; it was ironic. Because as much as I wished I was in the way; I knew I wasn’t.

“That’s actually not even half of the things I could say about you.” I laughed.

“Stubborn, sarcastic, ornery, lacking in all senses of self-preservation…. Shall I continue?” I teased.

•— Raven —•

Now he was asking for it. So, I reached out and playful smacked him up the side of his head.

“Stop over thinking so much, I don’t see what you are saying. And not to any other reason but what is before me. John. They have been asleep for so long. They have lost everyone and everything that they knew. We are the first people they have met….”

Biting my lips to stop myself. Because I was walking a faint line now, I couldn’t betray Miles’s trust. And I needed John to know that I trusted him too.

“Two people can be friends, John. Without anything else. But…. If there were anything else. Isn’t that my business? Don’t I have a say in who does or doesn’t have that part of me?”

Why would he think he would need to be out the way? That part didn’t make any sense to me.

•— John —•

“So violent!” I teased her rubbing the spot she smacked. It didn't hurt... And she knew how to throw a punch if she really wanted to.

“I know that Raven... All I can tell you is what I see... I'm telling you what you should or shouldn't do. Just that I think there's more to this guy than he's letting on. I don't want to see you hurt. My only intention was to let you know that this guy who barely knows you thinks it's okay for him to decide who should or shouldn't be allowed the speak to you... I told you were more than capable of telling me to fuck off all by yourself if that's what you wanted. I'm not trying to tell you what to do... I'm just worried about you.”

•— Raven —•

“Just the way you like it.” But the mocking was gone from my voice. I could see where John was coming from, but some part of me kind of hoped I was half good at judging a person’s character?

Okay, I may have messed up a little in the past, but… you live, and you learn right? “Hold your run-away imaginary outcomes here. Nothing is going on. I need you to hear me when I say, thank you for your insight. However, nothing is going on.”

I hadn’t thought about #Miles in that way. “As for why he told you to stay away. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here, huh?”

Shifting a little as I said the next part. Not to hurt him, just to point out the facts. “Maybe Miles thought he was being a friend. Looking out for us, making sure we don’t blow our friendship up even more than it is… was…” He’d seen a lot between us, since waking up.

•— John —•

I shook my head again. She was willing to allow this man to speak for her? It baffled me… She just didn’t want to see any possibility that this guy was up to something. So, I just nodded… “Sure… I’m positive he was only looking out for my best interests and yours too.” I chuckled. “I just wanted you to know the guy seems… dodgy… to me. And now you do. But… not giving people the benefit of the doubt is what’s kept me alive. The last time I did that, the guy I believed kicked the crate out from under me when they put a rope around my neck.”

I rested my hand on her bad knee, gently. “I just want you to be happy… or as close as possible. And I know you’re not right now… but you will be. I promise.”

I didn’t say even that was with him… or on her own. I just wanted to be there to see it.

•— Raven —•

Rubbing the bridge of my nose to hide a small wince I felt shuddering over my body, and my hand. But I stilled myself as soon as I realised what was happening to me. I wasn’t there when he was hung, but I’d heard the story from enough people to understand how messed up it has been. However, it was the fact that he still couldn’t understand me of where I was coming from. So, I lowered my voice and whispered.

“Not giving people the benefits of the doubt … it what broke us.”

It was the truth, if he had trust in us, in me… we wouldn’t have broken to the point where i was certain we couldn’t come back from.

“I hear you; I understand what you are saying. I’m not defending Miles; I’m not saying it was right of him. But what do you want me to do?”

Opening my eye when I felt his hand on the back of my knee. “Would you rather I go in all guns blazing and demand he never speak for me again? Or start accusing him of things? Or …. Or…. What?” My tone so even as I locked eyes with him.

“Tell me what you would like me to do?” I was so tired. So drained. I wanted us all to do better that the mess we had caused by going to earth. This was a new start. The only chance we had to survive.

•— John —•

"It was different with us... we earned it. And I know that we lost it for a while, but I'll fix that. I will." I squeezed her knee gently. more of a rub really because I knew she was hurting.

"I don't think you should do anything... I just..." I sighed and dragged my hand through my hair. Maybe I was doing exactly what Miles was doing, He tried to drive a wedge between her and I. Was trying to do the same to her and him? I certainly sounded like a  classic Murphy move. "I... I shouldn't have said anything."

I took my hand from her knee and took her hand in mine. The one that had been sharing a moment ago. "I want you to tell me what this is about... what's going on with you?" I folded my other hand over the top of hers. "You don't have to tell me... But right now, that all I want to know or... How I can make it better.”

•— Raven —•

My dull hazel eyes were tired or was it that I was tired. Was there a difference? Who even knew anymore? I dropped them to our hands. His fine hand, clasped around my almond bruised and cut one.

He was doing it again. “Please don’t say that. Keeping things from each other, it’s a path I don’t want to walk about. You aren’t the only one who needs to fix things. And not saying your mind won’t help us.”

Slowly my gaze roamed it way back up to meet his, confused at the question he had asked me just now. “What do you mean? What is what about?” by now there were so many things we were juggling in the air. Which one in particular did he want further elaboration on?

•— John —•

“I don’t mean hide it from you… Just… maybe you didn’t need to hear my personal feelings on the guy. I just don’t want to see you hurt.” I remembered how she screamed when #Finn was killed. Our friendship hadn’t begun… in fact, hours before she pointed a gun at me and wanted turn me over instead. But When I heard her scream… part of me wished if had been me tied to that stake instead. A payment for the pain I had already caused pain her.

I lifted my hand to so the bruise on her. “You’re hurt and you’re shaking… even when the pain in your hip and leg are hurting badly you never tremble like that.” I fixed my pale blue gaze on hers. “Please don’t keep anything from me when it come to your health Raven… I looked after you when I thought you were dying, I can handle whatever it is. Please.”

•— Raven —•

We were doing this. The honesty we asked for had to be a two way path, I couldn’t ask it of him and then not give it right back. “You should always tell me what you think. Good or bad, I want to know.”

Shaking my head, a little our eyes met. “You know I won’t get hurt, I’m stronger than you give me credit for.” Of course, he’d noticed, I hadn’t hidden anything.

“It’s nothing.” That was a lie. “I’ve just not been sleeping, I don’t have an appetite, and my friend and I were fighting.” Nudging my shoulder into his. “I just need a little down time.” But it was a luxury I didn’t have time for.

•— John —•

I laughed a little and nodded. "Okay... I promise. So, to summarize. I can't stand him... He's cocky, superior, and I don't trust him... and possibly a little sexist... which I thought only existed in movies and books.I know that you are strong, but that doesn't mean I can't try to protect my friend. Even if she doesn't want me to, even if it is more likely she'll protect me instead. It's a friend's prerogative."

I nodded, listening to her. There was more than that, I figured it was her nightmares and I understood not wanting to talk about try to protect my friend. Even if she doesn't want me to, even if it is more likely she'll protect me instead. It's a friend's prerogative."

I nodded, listening to her. There was more than that, I figured it was her nightmares and I understood not wanting to talk about and finished what I had started with her brace and took it off entirely.

"Time to get some sleep, Rey." I knew she didn't want to. The last time I convinced her to sleep she had a bad dream. It was my fault. I knew she slept better when she had someone touching her, holding her hand or touching her shoulder and I let the rift between us keep me from doing that. "It will be okay this time. I promise."

•— Raven —•

Stunned… listening, lol we l because I’d asked for this. However, I hadn’t expected the list to be so long. How much time had these two been spending together anyway? It sounded like this was one of those. ‘Dislike at first sight.’ Situations, maybe? But how could I get to the bottom of it?

“Thank you for your honesty.” What else was there to say? “And yeah… sure… a friends prerogative is to protect. But it’s also to allow your friends to grow too. Maybe we’ve forgotten about that part?”

“What are you doing?” I asked however his actions began to paint the picture while I sat here watching him.

“John…” I shook my head, waving my hand to say ‘No’. “I can’t. This was meant to be a short break. I need to get back to testing each and every one of those beds. We can’t use them without knowing they work.” the make shift bed looked so inviting. The relief of the brace being removed mixed with the pain rushing up and down my leg and into my hip. It would love nothing more than for the weight to be taken off.

And for a moment, in my mind. We were sat by the side of the pool on #Becca’s Island. With a dark sky, everyone asleep. With John kneeling before me removing my brace so he could teach me to float.

“I cannot…” the two words a whisper.

•— John —•

"If you feel like you need to get to know him then I won't get in the way... not that you would let me if I tried."

I chuckled and lifted her legs up onto the makeshift bed, leaving her brae within easy reach. "Raven." I stayed on my knees but straightened up to my full height, so I was eye-to-eye with her. I crooked a finger under her chin. "You are the only person on this ship that can keep it running. Please don't jeopardise that by refusing to take of yourself. There's no emergency. No one is in immediate danger. But what if an airlock fails in two days and you faint before you get there?  " I looked over my shoulder at the moon.

"It's just like the pool." I smiled. Lying on these crates was nothing like floating in the pool. "Looking up at the moon and stars." I sat on the crates and put me arm around her, pulling her down so her head could rest on my lap.  "Just watch the stars, Stargazer. It's the only thing you need to right now."

•— Raven —•

The minute after he lifted my legs up onto the makeshift bed, relief began to pour over my limbs. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility that my legs were going intensely stiff.

“John..” protesting his idea that I had time to waste by sleeping, but then when he pulled me back, spoke of looking up at the moon and starts. I couldn’t help myself. The view from this deck was incredible.

“Resting… for a little while… no sleep.” A yawn escaped and I covered my mouth. “It’s really beautiful here.” I didn’t want to talk about #Miles now. I’d need to work it out, but later.

•— John —•

I chuckled at her yawn the moment she began to consider rest I could see it all racing to catch up with her. "If you insist on no sleep there's nothing, I can do about that." I rested my hand on her arm If she did drift off, she would know without a doubt she wasn't alone. Not Like the last time.

"I don't have any reaper sticks handy." I chuckled, my thumb stroking her arm. I knew even with the coats between her and the hard surface she couldn't be very comfortable... but it was the view that made it perfect for her.

"Just watch the moon pass by Raven. Just the moon and the stars, nothing else matters." I stroked her arm again and whispered as low as I could. "I've got you."

Nothing else existed, no #MilesShaw... no panic attacks, no burning planets. Just the moon, the stars and the Stargazer.

•— Raven —•

Good he understood, I would rest with my friend. A short time. I would lay here watching the moon and the stars and I would just rest. My eyelids began to grow heavier, and heavier, I told myself I would sit up in the next minute and that I would get right back to work. I closed my eyes to blink, and they didn’t open again.

My body hurt, but I felt some warmth coming from him. And I could swear he said ‘I’ve got you.’?

‘Did I need to be protected?’ Was the last thought I had and then nothing.

•— John —•

Tension started to leave her body little by little, sometimes coming back all in a rush, when she was fighting  against the sleep, she insisted she didn’t need.

She was her own worst enemy, even now without the code eating away at her brain she was ready to work herself into an early grave. I had to find some way to her from destroying herself.

I rubbed her arm softly and lifted my hand to brush away a stray strand of hair that had escaped from her ponytail. My hand came to rest on the place on her upper back, the one spot on her body that I knew wasn’t littered with scars from her life on the ground.

〄 ꜱᴛᴏʀʏʟɪɴᴇ - 7

𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐁𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬

  ╰ˢᵗᵒʳʸ ᵇʸ: @LittleBirdRey & @ToldUIdSurvive

     ╰ ᵀⁱᵐᵉˡⁱⁿᵉ: ʙᴏᴏᴋ 3: ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴀʏ ɪꜱ ᴜᴘ

        ╰ ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ: ² ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ  @OsoKikThruOgeda ˢᵗᵒʳʸ

    ╰ᴸᵒᶜᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ: ᴇʟɪɢɪᴜꜱ ɪᴠ

〄   ❝ 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘴𝘵. ❞ ― 𝙄𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙧𝙖 𝙂𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙝𝙞

•— Raven —•

The room was no longer one I wanted to be in. looking from side to side for a walk out however all paths were blocked. The War room of Eligius IV had been converted to accommodate the people who were here to make the key decisions. These were the people who would make or break the time we had to send up in in orbit for the next five years, and it was safe to say that I had less confidence in them now, and I have hope two days ago when we had works so hard to save as many of them as possible.

The conclave had made it so that all those who once wore the mantel of Leader was gone, leaving those who weren’t fit to make choices for their people, and who wouldn’t have been in this room otherwise. Some of them couldn’t see past their own noses to know how-to live-in pace, and a number of times strong words had ended with #Nate and #Bellamy jumping into to set those who threw fists back down in the chairs. Reminding them that their invitations on the table could have been as easily revoked as it was extended.

‘How long will they do this for?’ #Miles stool with his back against the wall just as I was.

I refused to take a seat at the table, I wasn’t going to take away a seat from someone who could end up bring peace to all those living souls on this ship. I wish I could have said the same for #Griffin. #Marcus, #Abby, #Clarke, #Octavia, and #Monty.  all seat around the table. And in my eyes that was four more than the Grounders were being given.

“Hells if I know, it’s not like they have all been living in pace while they had ground beneath their feet. So, if I were guessing. This could take a while.”

Right then #Monty’s voice came from the far side of the room. He pushed up to make his voice travel. ‘We are not trying to hurt anyone. All I am saying… until the farm is up and running, until we can test what is produced, we will not be able to make the supplied starch for too long without people beginning to question why we have come up here. I need time.’

#Indria stood next, with the voiced all trying to speak over one another as translations were being made. ‘They are trying to save all our people. We are all one now. Oso souda kom op ogeda. (We must come together.)

A clan man looking to be in his late 50s stood up in uproar. ‘And you want us to trust these people? They want  to make our people? No… We will not let them kill us up here. We would have been better off on the ground.’

Those words hit me hard like a slap in the face. Had I done wrong by these people? I knew that coming to space, taking their feet off the ground would take some time to adjust. But there were talking of death over a cryosleep?

I was unaware of my reaction until I felt a squeeze on my clenched fist. ‘Breath Raven, he doesn’t know what he is talking about. You did the right thing, and as soon as this guy works it out.’ #Miles whispered it into my ear. ‘Let’s go, we can tell them we have some work to do.’

He tugged my hand out from behind my back and began to push to clear a path for us to leave.

•— John —•

“I hate this.” I murmured, walking the corridors with #Luna and #Emori I thought it was a terrible idea, the so-called Friekdreina and the Blood traitor. But #Luna insisted that we could not hide away between performing the tasks that had been set for us. That if they believed  we were afraid they would target us with more than stares and slurs.

Even I was getting dirty looks from some of the grounders now. I was the reason that their kids were hungry. Only the children of the soldiers and Sangedakru seemed to understand hunger. Someone hissed and purposedly bumped into #Emori. Deliberate and hard, he hissed… actually hissed like a snake. My hand shot out and fisted the front of his shirt yanking him towards me as I through my head and back to head-butt him.

But before I felt the inevitable burst of pain someone grabbed a fistful of my hair and twisted my arm behind my back, pinning me to the wall. “What the fuck #Luna!?” I couldn’t see her. But no one else could move like that.

‘Ban ou.’ (Leave) #Luna said cooly to the man as his friends watched. These people were not warriors, Trikri maybe… but not fighters.

She let me go when the left. I rubbed my cheek where she had plastered me to the wall. My arm didn’t even twinge… I wasn’t sure how that was possible. But my scalp smarted like a bitch, I dragged my hand through my hair. “I thought the whole point of this little parade was to so them we aren’t afraid.” I caught my breath.

#Emori laughed. “You think it's funny.”

‘Hilarious actually… she tossed you like a rag doll.’ She teased.

“Oh yeah, it's really cool when the lethally trained warrior starts pulling hair.” I couldn’t help but laugh with her.

‘We don’t just show them that we are not afraid, we show them how to walk a better path.’ #Luna’s Zen Master routine returned. She turned to #Emori and took her covered hand in both of hers. ‘Yu ste yongon kom sanas… Yu nou muka kom foutaim. Yu’s yuj gon oso aftaim.’ (You are a child of the sands. You are not a stain from the past. You are the strength of our future.)  #Luna told her.

#Emori pulled her hand back. ‘Damn right I am.’ She smirked.

“Oh right… now she gets all  deep and wise… where was that wisdom when you were pulling my hair like a little bitch.” I teased her, keeping the mood #Emori had set. She hated the deep, zen stuff too.

‘All is fair in battle, John.’ #Luna walked on leaving #Emori and me to roll our eyes at each other and follow her.

‘Do you think the meeting is over yet?’ Emori asked.

“No way… they’ll be at for hours. Cryo is the only way… There’s no way an algae farm can sustain us all.”

‘Explain it to us on more time, John?’ Luna asked and I sighed but tried again to explain it  in the simplest way I could which was pretty simple, because the extent of my knowledge was that it preserves your body exactly how it was… and in theory, it could be done indefinitely. I knew very little about the science but all I knew was that when you woke up you felt  like only moments had passed… if you were wounded or sick you would wake up that same way.

•— Raven —•

‘Rey? What are you doing out here, is the meeting over?’ #Harper and #Jax came rushing up the corridor towards #Mile and I.

“No, it’s still going on. I’ve just had enough of it all for now. And it’s not like I was needed in there.”

The exchanges a look, one I didn’t like the feel of. “Why, what’s going on?” They did it again, making the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.

‘We didn’t see it all, but we’ve been told a lot of it by those I have been healing in the med  bay..’ #Jax started. ‘They are simple people, some of them are trouble makers however not them all.’

Holding my hand out, this time #Miles and I were the ones to exchange a look. ‘What are you trying to tell us?’ He asked #Jax. Who gave  the pilot a head to toe glance.

“Jax?” Frustration, quoting my voice now, it had been a long day as it was.

‘ There was an incident just now. With some of the grounders and…’ her looked to #Harper who finished off the sentence.

‘Some of the grounders aren’t being respectful to Emori and Luna. They won’t take the rations if Emori has touched them. They are spiting at Luna’s direction and calling her blood traitor. Calling Emori Friekdreina.’

“Fuck!” Rubbing my  throbbing forehead. We knew there were chances of something like this happening. But there was a hope that togetherness and the fact that we all survived together would have won out on their biased.

‘That’s not all, Murphy was about to  get into a fight. But Luna stopped it before it got out of hand.’

“It just keep getting better and better. I have to go back into the meeting. Marcus has to put a stop to this.” A plan was hatched in my mind as it turned and walked towards the door I had just come out of.

•— John —•

People started to give us a wider berth whispering to each other as we passed. They whispered and looked away… glancing wearily at #Luna. Well, this had gone differently than expected… but if this trend kept up it might just be problem  solved… But still, I didn’t know how long it would be before I could let either of them leave the room alone. They could both handle themselves in a fight, especially #Luna. But there were so many things up here that they didn’t understand… in a fight with another grounder all it would take is for some the hit a wrong button and we could all get sucked out into space.

We turned another corner and stopped in our tracks. #Emori bumping into me. Raven, #Jax, #Harper and #Miles was huddled in conversation. Raven looked pissed.

‘Looks like that meeting didn’t go very well.’ #Luna whispered.

Raven started the walk away and the three of us rushed to the group. “Hey…” I called out. “Is the meeting over? What   happened in there?”

•— Raven —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴍɪʟᴇꜱ ꜱʜᴀᴡ‘ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

Watching Raven Reyes walking away from the rest of us felt wrong, even if she looked like a bat out for blood. I had known this woman for so little time, however I could feel a connection towards her.

You had to be blind now to see her passion for those she cares for, and her need and desire to learn whatever you were willing to share with her.

But right now, her back straight, her hands clenched into fists, they limp in her step was not a handicap. It was a weapon just like the rest of her.

‘𝘐𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳? 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘏𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦?’

I didn’t recognise the voice until turning around to see the one they called Murphy Stradling up, with  the two women you could never find him without? Arching my brow, and making a note to ask Raven what the deal was there. Were this three in some kind of polyamorous relationship? Was that still a thing?

‘No, it’s not over.’ #Harper whispered to him. ‘And would you keep it down!’ She then hissed. Beckoning the three over.

The taller to the two other girls with the big curly hair asked something, but it was a language I did not understand. With one with the head scarf on spoke too. And again I had no idea what was being said. So, with my arms crossed over my chest and my legs slightly parted I stood there watching them all.

#Harper looked uncomfortable. ‘Shaw would you mind repeating what Rey said before?’ She gave me a half smile.

“Uhm. Yeah. Sure. I can give a summary.” Trying not to look at the Murphy guy, something was off with him. “The groups. Clans? As you call them. They are all fighting for their own groups. The Blake  girl.”

‘Octavia’ #Jackson corrected me.

“Right her. She says that she leads all the clans now. That they are all one.”

Shifting on my feet. “But as we left, I could hear what was being said once Raven left ahead of me… Some of them.. the clans said that there is a true… dark blood?”

‘Night blood’ This time #Harper helped.

“Right. So they want a… fight or something between the two. That only when could there be a true ruler of all.”

All eyes turned to the curly haired girl and then there was silence. My eyes moved up the corridor where she had vanished. “Raven doesn’t want to be in there with all those people fighting. And now.. She’s gone in again.”

‘Why?’ The curly haired one asked. My eyes moved onto her.

“Because she was told that you three are being treated unjustly.” I said dead pan. She had gone back in there for these three.

•— John —•

My blood boiled at the way he watched Raven… He had no I what he was actually seeing as she walked away. Her passion to do what was right, to protect the people she cared about. Her determination and her unwillingness to compromise her moral code to achieve it. She would always find a way that didn’t involve slaughter or abandoning people to die, because to her that was the same thing. And pain… the subtle hints of pain in every single step that wrenched at my guts.

I looked around when Harper told me to be quiet. “Sorry, McIntyre I forgot we're back under Kane’s dictatorships again.” I chuckled. Good luck to him enforcing that with the grounders following Octavia. Who would have ever thought that the butterfly girl/psycho assassin would be a step up?

‘Jon, hod op.” (John, Stop.) she told me and turned to Emori. ‘Yu vout Reivon gaf bak kos yumi? Som op skechi?’ (Do you think Raven has gone back in there because of us?) She asked.

‘Sha… Em’s go  wortrie. Em be get in oso kik raun dison.’ (Yes… She’s on the warpath. She should know that we can take this.) Emori said back and the utter confusion on Miles’ face gave me a spark of joy. #Harper and #Jax had very little Trig, if any at  all, but they weren’t phased by others speaking it anymore.

‘Oktieva Kom Skaikru na dula Lexa Kom Trikru flashpa bilaik fousen…’ #Luna whispered to herself.

I didn’t have to respond before I stepped in front of #Luna, rage seething below  the surface. “Fuck no!” I shouted over their conversation… #Luna’s earlier question was confirmed. “No way! They aren’t throwing her into a death match they can have #Kane.” I knew #Luna could take #Octavia in a conclave…. But she would, she  would die before raising a blade.

‘John calm down.’ #Jackson helps up a placating.

“#Harper? Where are #Monty and #Japser right now?”

‘Monty is in the meeting and Jasper is probably watching the first Algea culture. Why?’

“Fine… Just  Jasper it is then… Let’s go.” I started walking… they followed, even #Shaw, probably out of curiosity.

‘What’s the plan here, John?’ #Emori asked warily… knowing the look I get when I’m plotting.

“Jasper Is going to hack the armoury  locks for us and #Shaw here is going to tell us where the most defensible room on this ship is. And we are keeping them away from Luna until Raven works her magic.” I explained, still walking.

Shaw chuckled darkly and stopped walking. ‘No, he most certainly is not.’ He crossed his arms and I turned to face him, returning his shit-eating grin.

•— Raven —•

With the doors opened both #Clark and #Bellamy looked at the door and my return with worried explanation.

#Octavia banged get fist to the table sending ripples through the room. The jolt of which even made me stop.

What had I missed? Should I have left? They were all fighting over such nonsense, that I knew I could be doing better things with my time. And yet.

‘O, stop. It’s not happening.’ #Abby and a#Inda both said. One in our tongue and the other in trig.

My gaze moved around the room, #Marcus, #Monty, no one would meet my eyes. “What is going on?” I broke the silence.

All the eyes turned in unison upon me. And then the whispers began.

‘She is with her.’

‘They are close. Like sisters.’

‘Use  her, to make it happen.’

My last nerve was being tested. And then it clicked. They were talking about Luna? The moment it dropped, Clark rushed over.

‘It’s not happening Rey, we will not allow it. Luna will not be made to fight.’

“No  fucking way! You people are you going to touch a hair on Luna’s body. And before you think of using me. Remember one thing. I will float myself before I become a weapon in your hands.”

My eyes landed on a face I knew too well. It was the  father of the girl I helped to bring on board. “We are here to live, to survive and not even twenty-four hours into these five years we have to live together you all started this bull shit again? You need to be BETTER! You have to become  BETTER! This is not about life and death up here now. It’s about how WE ALL help to make it to the end.”

I was looking with my hazel eyes locked in him. I was speaking with them all. But I didn’t look away from him.

He stood up to calm  those who were shouting over me now, telling them to sit. So, that meant he has some power.

He asked me in trig. What I would do.

“I would have faith in the people who brought you here. I left those I love to die to make this work. And here we are. Trust in knowing that up here. Like O has said. We are all ONE PEOPLE TOGETHER. Oso Kik Thru, Ogeda!!”

He stood looking at me. Nothing was said for a long while. And then he whispered. ‘Oso Kik Thru, Ogeda.’

•— John —•

I threw my hands up just in time to stop myself from faceplanting into the wall. Something heavy and metal clanged behind me.

‘#Shaw!’ Doc Lite yelled… with more authority than I had ever heard from him. ‘You’re taking this too far.’

I  turned to face them all through the heavy bars of the officers’ brig. ‘Too far?’ He chuckled. ‘Are you serious? He was literally plotting a mutiny, or have you all conveniently developed amnesia?’

‘It was hardly a mutiny… he was just pulling a Murphy.’ #Harper said… was that in my defence?

‘He just wants to protect #Luna.’ #Emori said plainly, crossing her arms over her chest. ‘The people in that room want her to fight to the death with one of their people… maybe even  the other clan leaders.’

#Miles looked from me to Emori to Luna, confused… maybe even a little concerned. ‘He was still plotting a break-in to the armoury… he can stay here until all of this is sorted out. And count himself lucky he isn’t  in the prisoners' cells.’

He turned to leave and slammed my hands against the bars thunked and hummed a high-pitched noise. “Shaw!” I barked. “If anything happens to her because I’m in here… even if she wins… I’ll fucking kill you!”

“SHUT  UP, MURPHY!!” #Harper and #Jackson said in unison. #Emori and #Luna mirrored the sentiment in Trig.

Soldier boy just glared at me. ‘I’m going back in there to find what this insanity about a deathmatch is… Then we can deal with this shit show.’ He waited at the door, wanting the others to leave. No one moved. I smiled to myself.

‘I don’t think you understand how this works… He is in custody He doesn’t get unsupervised time with his potential conspirators. Unless you’d like  to join him in the next cell?’ #Miles condescended… but his logic was undeniable… not that I would ever admit to that. Emori stepped up like she was about to volunteer… or punch him so he would arrest her too. That would have been a sight to see!

“Emori, hod op.” (Emori, wait.) I said. “Ste kamp raun Natblida-de. Ste ogeda.” (Stay with the Nightblood. Stay Together) I didn’t want to use #Luna’s name. Just to confuse the good toy soldier. “Hon Reivon daun… Ste kamp raun em. Bilaik kilr.” (Find Raven. Stay with her. Be safe.)

They were all tilting their hands now. #Luna and #Emori nodded. They filed out slowly, #Miles muttering something about how an idiot like me learns a whole language in such little time.

•— Raven —•

#Marcus, #Abby, #Clarke and sat at their sides of the table. Each one of them on one side, while #Octavia tried to place herself in a neutral zone. She was the commander now, well she was until the grounders all saw #Luna alive and well on this ship.

My hands were against my side fisted up and it wasn’t until I felt the callused hand taking one, in theirs with a whisper in my ear saying. ‘Breathe Rey…  Have a little faith in your plan. This will work out.’

I hadn’t meant to show my emotions, however, it was now clear that I hadn’t hidden my annoyance? #Bellamy had moved himself around to the wall beside me, unfurling my fingers and curling his into them. ‘I’m here. I’m with you.’ He told me and I knew what it meant. If this came to blows, then he would fight beside me.

Time was moving fast and slow all at once as rules were being made to be in place. Until the last one was sat on the table (metaphorically).

‘All people on this ship will be treated as equals.’ They all liked the idea of it. ‘We will all vote and all actions will be taken together.’ #Kane added. Some part of my mind went to the times gone. When this was meant to be how we all lived on the Ark. However, by the time we left that place. People were being floated for any reason.  

One of the leaders who had been in my eyes, made a face. He had been unhappy with a lot of what had been agreed here. And now he had an issue with this rule too?

‘Emori.’ #Nate whispered to #Bellamy and Me. ‘I bet they are all thinking of her.’

‘They can think all they want. I will float them… he stopped feeling me stiffen. ‘I won’t really do it Rey, just feels good to say it.’

The doors opened to the side and #Miles walked in with a stride and a deadpan look on his face. ‘What’s going on?’ #Bellamy asked.

Leaning in he whispered to the three of us and I closed my eyes. “Hells, what is wrong with that boy?” I glanced over the table seeing #Clarke’s eyes on us. The girl noticed everything. She nodded as #Bellamy mouthed to her that we had to go. Leaving #Nate in here with a few of the others he trusted to protect the backs of those who were our family.

〄 〄 〄 〄 〄

Everyone had so much to say in the corridor, they all had their own ideas and their input. Finally, I asked everyone to stay out of the brig as I pushed the door keypad, listening for the sound of the click and the doors open before stepping inside. Stopping just on the brink of the brig I looked and found him behind the locked bars too fast. He kind of looked at home. And that was saying something.

“We aren’t even up here for that long John Murphy. And you are planning a mutiny? Once again, all about your actions, with no faith on what the rest of us are trying to do here I see?” My arms were crossed over my chest, and I held him in my gaze.

•— John —•

When everyone left there was no sound apart from the eerie machine hum… I hated it. This ship didn’t sound at all like the Ark and I missed the sound of wind and rain… Even in the Mansion, you could hear the sounds that a world made just by  existing. Here it was all whirs and clang and occasionally rattles. And any deviations in the patterns could spell death for all of us on board…

That may have been alarmist thinking… but there were logical thoughts in my head too. Like… “We’re in space John… it was only a matter of time before you found yourself in lock up.” I said to myself, I sat on the bench that was shockingly wooden and attached to steel brackets. I paced. I lay on the bed… only one…

“Hmm… officers got their own digs even in lock-up? Fancy.” I turned into the wall and there I saw…

M.S con sympathizer

Scraped into the wall above the bed… “Well, Well… #Shaw ratted out his own men…” I smirked, that was good info to save for a later  date. Minutes stretched by too slowly… there was nothing in here to mark the passage of real-time.

I paced and walked, I sat and stood and paced some more. I knew it was only minutes that went by… it felt like hours. My skin was crawling  like it was covered in eighty-nine days of filth… the air started to smell like stale wine and body odour.

It wasn’t real.

Then just as a voice in the back of my mind replayed the eerie robotic voice… ‘Too many people.’ And my  chest was about to explode the door beeped and swoosh open.

“Raven!” I gasped and rushed to the door of the cell… it was still locked of course. I tried to squash my anxiety as best I could.

“It wasn’t a mutiny I just wanted somewhere secure to hold up with Luna until you found a way to stop this conclave death match bullshit.” I said in rushed, quiet tones. “We both know #Luna preaches peace because if she doesn’t… if she has to fight to defend herself, she will… She’s  conditioned to, she won’t be able to stand there and let them kill her. She WILL kill Octavia and the grounders will make her Heda. It’s her worst nightmare.”

I pushed against the bars.

“Do you think Clarke and Bellamy will let Luna live  if she kills #Octavia? Even if the psycho-assassin agreed to the match. I won’t watch her die too, Raven! Not in a match and in some convenient airlock accident.”

•— Raven —•

The anger that had gathered up in my chest disappeared the moment I saw his face, something was wrong and with a blink of seeing where he was and how he felt about ben locked up. The facts dropped. His eyes, the fear the look of a trapped man in a cage, all his nightmares came to life when he was like this.

Taking a few steps forward, my fingers slipped into my pocket and around the key card that would open the locked bars from around him. Until that is, when he started to speak.

It was light in here, there was nowhere for me to hide the hurt and the fear and the stupidity of this man before me.

“John…” Rubbing at my temple trying to find my words.  “You still haven’t learnt your lesson have you? You still have no faith in the rest of us. You think you are the only one who wants to save Luna, and you think by getting the guns out from a locked safe place is the way to go about it. This is day ONE!” My ager seeping out at the last word. “We have five years of this to go. And you the first opportunity you got. You had NO FAITH that we could control and fix this.”

Taking a step back from him and the locked cage he was stuck behind. “You just went and repeated the same crap you did on the island here. And you think you are trustworthy.” Backing out of the room I pushed the bottom for the door to open. “I’m so done with you Murphy. I’m done with being seen as the enemy.” Because that was what he saw us as. Clarke, Bellamy, Nate, Me… who knows who else he had no trust in.

Backing out to the room, pushing the card into Luna’s chest. “He is all yours. You can do what you want with him. I am done.”   She took a hold of my hand to stop me.

‘Jon ste trana gon sisen, ai stasis.’ (John is trying to help, little sister.) She squeezed the card back into my hand, telling me to go back and free him. ‘Seingeda mour yuj ogeda.’ (Family is stronger together.) she whispers.

Closing my eyes to stop the now deep thudding in my head. “Family also trusts one another. He doesn’t.” This time I pushed the key card back into her hands and started back down the corridor.

‘What does this mean?’ #Jax called out from behind.

“It means, that John Murphy is a fool. Luna and Octavia are safe. And I have work to do.”

•— John —•

(#TriggerWarning: PTSD, Anxiety)

She thought I did this because I didn’t believe in her… But that was the farthest thing from the truth. I did it because I didn’t trust anyone else… “No Raven… you’re not understanding… There are hundreds of  people on this ship and there is only a small handful I trust… I just wanted to keep Luna out of their hands until you could make them see sense.”

She was so angry… I could see it in her eyes as she walked away. When she told #Luna she was  done she meant it. I had burned down the last bridge. I dug my fingers into my hair and muttered to myself. “I was just trying to protect my family.”

When I looked back up she was gone… I squinted through the bars as the room start to tilt  to one side. “Raven… You can’t let them leave me in here!” I rattled the cage door as much as I could, which wasn’t a lot. The bars were solid. #Jasper and #Emori rushed forward.

‘No one is leaving you in here, John. Relax.’ #Jasper said.

Relax? Were they insane? How could anyone relax when all the I was being sucked out of the room until your lungs ached? The world tilted and rocked, my chest was in an invisible voice and there was screaming in my ear blocking out the voice I knew so well with complete strangers.

【 𝔼𝕣𝕚𝕔 𝕁𝕒𝕔𝕜𝕤𝕠𝕟'𝕤 ℙ𝕆𝕍 】

⤷

I saw it start before it happened Murphy’s face flushed, and his chest started to rise and fall too fast. His pupils dilated so wide that the pale colour of his eyes was almost gone. Veins distended in his neck and at his temple. He started mumbling about he couldn’t do it again, he couldn’t survive as he paced the cage I swore I heard him say something about pulling the trigger. I turned to  #MilesShaw “You need to let him out of there.” I told him, I wouldn’t find out until later that he didn’t have the key.

‘No one is letting him out of there like that… The guy is insane!’ He watched John all but break his hands on the metal  bars. The others tried yelling at him to calm down that was when I saw Luna flash a card over the touch panel. ‘Hey stop! You can’t let him out of there like that he’ll hurt someone.’ #Shaw tried to be heard over the others. #Luna was  fighting to restrain John now he wasn’t even forming words anymore. She was trying to keep him from injuring himself.

“He has PTSD… Lieutenant!” I spat a little harshly. “You’d think a former soldier would get that.” He stepped backwards twice But I was rushing into the cell now #Jasper and #Luna were trying to tell him the door was unlocked and he needed to calm down so they could take him out. But he was fighting them, even Luna was struggling to hold him. He was deep in the grips of a panic attack. There were red welts on his cheek from him hitting himself before we got to him. His lip was bleeding… like he might have bitten it. All minor, he had survived much worse.

‘Uh, Jax…’ #Jasper said to my left as I  knelt in front of him. ‘He’s bleeding.’

I was about to tell him not the worry about it until I saw that he wasn’t talking about his lip… blood dripped from his clenched fist, and his fingernails were digging into his palms. “Dammit John. Look at me!” Shouted to get his attention. “You need to breathe, This is a panic attack at will pass, just breathe.”

‘I… Can’t…’ He wasn’t angry anymore he was afraid.

#Jasper shoved in between us and I huffed in annoyance. ‘Hey… listen, John.’ He grabbed one of his hands and leaned in. ‘It feels like a heart attack and like you're drowning all at once, right?’

Murphy nodded, tears on his cheek gasping for air.

‘I’ve been there… but there's a way out. Just look around… Tell me three things you can see.’ John didn’t respond. ‘Trust me John, anything at all you can see.’

He took a breath so he could gasp the word. ‘Bed.’ And looked back to #Jasper. ‘Cage… door.”

‘Good. Now three things you can smell.’ John seemed the stop fighting while his mind scrambled for an answer. ‘Recycled air.’ It took a while to get the words out. ‘Sweat.’ I pressed my fingers to the pulse at his wrist. John inhaled through his nose, his pulse started to  steady. ‘Antiseptic.’ John said… it was probably off of me.

‘Brilliant… Almost there. Name three things you can touch.’ Jasper demanded now. John was sucking in deep, long breaths now.

‘Floor.’ He unclenched his hand and wiped ad bloody  smear on the floor. He looked at #Luna still holding him even though he wasn’t fighting any more. ‘Luna… crappy prison uniform.’ He touched his jumpsuit and we all laughed a little at that.

#Luna helped him sit up and he buried his face  into his hands, unknowingly leaving streaks of blood on his forehead and cheeks. The cuts on his hands were already starting to scab.

‘Better?’ Jasper asked and John just nodded. ‘Good because #Jackson was about to reaper stick you. So I was really hoping that would work… Ready to get out of here?’

John agreed and we helped him up. ‘Where’s Raven?’ Asked like he couldn’t remember.

‘I can go get her if you want?’ #Emori’s voice was smaller than normal.

‘No!’ John answered too fast… ‘She doesn’t need to… I don’t want her to see this. She has enough to do without dealing with my shit too.’

He moved out into the corridor, and I noticed #Shaw was gone too. It took me a long time to convince John to come with me to the med bay… but it was time… this kid was broken and if we didn’t help him soon, we could lose him.

He walked ahead with #Emori and #Jasper, I turned to #Luna with a heavy heart. “Farcry from the boy that stole medicine to save a little girl.” I whispered.

‘No.’ #Luna shook her head, never looking away from them. ‘That is exactly the boy who stole medicine to save a child.’

•— Raven —•

『    ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴍɪʟᴇꜱ ꜱʜᴀᴡ’ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ    』

“These people are crazy! It’s as though I’ve woken up in the twilight zone with no way out.”

Coming to a stop outside the doors of the engineering deck I could see in through the glass windows. To anyone who didn’t know what to look for, the place would seem deserted. But in the days, I’d gotten to know her I could see the tell tail signs that Raven Reyes had gone in and was now working under the transport ship. She had learnt to work around all the equipment and the tools on the deck that I didn’t even know the names off.

Just as I tapped the keypad opening the doors, I had to react fast and duck out of the way because there was a spanner coming for my head.

‘Hells! Why is everything working against me today?’ She was upset, angry and taking it out on whatever came to hand.

“What did the spanner do to upset you?” She stopped in the middle of rolling out from under the ship. Giving me a quizzical look.

‘It’s not a good time Miles.’

I liked the way my name sounded on her lips. The way she unlike everyone else didn’t call me Shaw. There was a friendliness to seeing her beautiful hazel eyes, full of honesty when I could tell everyone else was hiding something from the crew and me.

“I know, I can tell from the way tools are flying.” She looked sheepishly towards the door.

‘I’m sorry. I’m being rude and I don’t mean to be. Its just…’ her eyes were red, as if she had been crying.

“I get it. It’s a lot to deal with, and that Murphy guy isn’t helping himself.

Raven looked lost in her thoughts before she went back to work. ‘He means well. Most of the time. He just doesn’t always look at the consequences of his reactions and actions.’ Now she was defending him? What did he have on her? As I thought it I knew that it was just how this girl was. She would defend anyone to the death.

“Raven, the guy is messed up. He doesn’t know when to stop. Guns on a ship? Could you imagine what could happen if one went off? And now, he is acting like he has PTSD? And he is still willing to walk these close quarters, trying to kill and scare people?”

I wasn’t watching her, but at some point she’d stilled, rolled back out into the open and pulled herself up onto her feet. ‘What do you mean?’ Her voice was clipped now, with a nerve pulsing on her forehead.

Should I tell her? Would this upset her more than he had done so already?

『    ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʀᴀᴠᴇɴ ʀᴇʏᴇꜱ’ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ    』

Pushing my way past everyone who walked the corridors, I moved as fast as my leg would allow me. I needed to return back to where I had left John and the others. #Miles had reluctantly shared what had taken place once I left the cells with John still in there. Sure I was mad at him, sure he had once again acted without thinking, But wasn’t that just what John Murphy did? I had been the one in the bunker with him. I saw and heard all his fears. I had witnessed the lost boy on that beach breaking down his walls and I had left him locked in a jail cell on this ship. What was wrong with me?

‘Raven, he isn’t there. They must have taken him out by now.’ #Miles walked beside me having caught up in no time.

“You don’t get it Miles; this is so messed up. I am so messed up.” Pulling at my hair tied back  to keep it out of my way.

‘No, no you didn’t. He was the one who was acting all crazy.’

“He is NOT crazy!” The word came out harsh and to the point. Making #Miles stop before he continued.

‘Okay. Okay. Fine. I get it. But this isn’t on you.’

The doors opened and just as #Miles had said, the cell was empty with no one left behind. The way it should have been when I found him locked up in here. Finding the door of the cell open I stepped inside.

“I messed up. I so messed up.” Closing my eyes, looking up to the ceiling with a feeling of light headedness coming over me. I was tired, I had been fighting for so long on so little sleep. That I couldn’t see John clearly in his moment of need. How was I any different to #Jaha? Hadn’t I just done the very same thing to him?

‘Raven. Please stop.’ #Miles stood outside the cell looking in.

“No Miles. I…” I stopped speaking as I dropped my head and opened my eyes. Looking at the metal floor of the cell to find bloody hand prints. “Was he hurt? Where did this blood come from?”  

•— John —•

[[#TriggerWarning References to PTSD, Anxiety attacks, and torture]]

I was sitting in the chair in the small office #Jackson had claimed after cleaning the cuts on my hands, they were nothing cuts really, they had just bled a lot more than  you’d think looking at them now, with not much more than a band aid covering them. My lip was swollen and there was definitely a lump coming up beneath my left eye, it was throbbing. But not enough to have accepted the painkillers that Doc  Lite tried to make me take.

#Jackson set a cup of water next to me and started talking in the super soft voice that he used on the kids and the dying. I flinched at the sound… remembering how people spoke to me when I was ten and left me to die in the med bay with minimal care.

‘John… do you know what just happened?’ He asked and I laced my fingers together to keep from shaking him and screaming at him to stop talking to me like I was a child. I wasn’t sure I could scream; my throat was raw. So, I kept my gaze on the floor and nodded, yes.

‘Can you tell me what it was?’ He pressed.

“You… said… panic attack.” I answered only because I knew #Emori wouldn’t let me leave until #Jackson gave the okay. She had been  shaken by everything that had gone down.

‘That’s right… Has anything like that ever happened to you before?’ He asked and I looked up at him with a furrowed brow.

“Of course…” I scoffed like he was stupid. “It happens to everyone. It's  over now. I just never had a name for it before.”

‘No, John. No. It doesn’t happen to everyone.’ #Jackson said, and his tone concerned me. ‘Can you tell me how many times it’s happened to you?’

I shrugged… how the hell was I meant to  answer that? I didn’t keep count. “I have no idea… let me check my journal.” I rolled my eyes. Jackson was sipping from a cup of water, and it made my throat feel dry. Was this some kind of subliminal psychology shit?

Dammit! I picked up  the cup and drained it. It was working. Jackson stood to refill the cup. “More than two?” He asked and walked back with the cup.

I nodded.

‘More than five?’ he pressed. I nodded again.

‘Ten?’

I shook my head. “I… don’t know-- I don’t  think so.”

He wrote something down... It pissed me off. Was he psycho analysing me? ‘Can you tell me about the first time? Or the first one you remember.’

“Not really… it wasn’t exactly… legal.” I flashed a smug grin.

‘I’m not interested  in busting you for anything, this conversation is protected by my doctor-patient confidentiality.’ He sipped his water again.

I cleared my throat! Fuck! I picked up the cup… again. “I had been to the drinking farm station moonshine, I  needed to find somewhere to crash because I wasn’t welcome at home… I can’t remember the particulars, but I woke up in a storage unit… it was locked and I couldn’t get out.”

‘So, this was before you went to the Skybox? You were fifteen when you were confined.’

“Before Mom died so I was thirteen… maybe fourteen.” I admitted dully. I couldn’t… I couldn’t talk about Mom. My knee started to jump up and down rapidly. “Do we have to do this right now?… it's not helping.”

#Jackson picked up the tablet and swiped and tapped it for a few seconds and held it out to me. “Look at this and tell me the man in that video doesn’t need any help.” The was a camera in the Brigg and me yanking on the doors. There was no sound… I  tensed as I watched… The door opened and I didn’t stop. “Why didn’t I stop?” I hadn’t meant to whisper those words.

#Emori didn’t come into the cell she pressed herself back against the wall and watched with her good hand clamped over her  mouth. “Shit!” I muttered.

‘That’s one way to put it, John.’ Jackson said still too soft… still too…. Caring.

‘No… not m—” I held out the tablet. “#Emori looks so scared, I need to talk to her. I must have freaked her out.” I stood to  leave but #Jackson held a hand up and all the softness vanished so suddenly that it stopped me in my tracks.

‘That was what stood out to you in that video?’ He said firmly enough that I gave the respect of replying.

“Look, I get it… I  fucked up. I’m sorry… I’m a bad, bad boy and it won’t happen again. Can I go check on my friend now?” I mimicked slapping myself on the back of my hand as I spoke.

‘Do you think you're in trouble, John? Do you think you’re here to be  punished?’ He looked genuinely offended.

“I mean… yeah.. kind of.” I admitted and immediately felt stupid. He was a fucking doctor, not a torturer. “No… maybe… I don’t—” I ground my teeth in frustration.

‘Sit down.’ He said and to my own surprise, I sat.

He kept asking me his head-shrinking questions… but he (thankfully) never brought my mother or father up. I told him about the other attacks I could remember. When I was locked in the dog cage in the grounder camp… trying to escape the drop ship after I had hung #Bellamy... how I didn’t find out until later that one of the bullets I’d shot into the floor had hit Raven… most of them had happened in the bunker… But I knew there were probably others I couldn’t  remember right now. Maybe in solitary on the Ark?

‘Most of these episodes seem to happen when you are trapped or locked in… would you agree with that?’ He asked.

“I guess… But who wants to be locked up, right?” I shrugged.

‘Have you ever heard of Cleithrophobe?’ He asked.

“Oh yeah… sure have! I had it for dinner yesterday.” I rolled my eyes, #Jackson remained surprisingly stoic. I was impressed by how he’d adapted from mushy Doc Lite to this take-less-shit version of  himself, so I humoured him. “Is it the thing where people are afraid of elevators and shit?”

‘Claustrophobia? No. But it's close. It is the fear of being trapped or confined.’ I shuddered when he said it.

“Awesome! I learned two new words today… can I please go now?” I wasn’t liking where this was going.

‘John…’ Jackson leaned forward, making me lean back. ‘We can help you with your anxiety here, the med bay is well stocked. We can help you cope with all of these things. You were  tortured… you were locked up without any human companionship for three months. You almost died more times than you can count. No one survives all of that without serious Post Traumatic Stress. We can treat you and help you sleep.’

I shook my head fervently, and locked my hands together again… “Absolutely not… No. No way.”

‘There is no sha—’ I cut him off.

“You think I give a shit what people think?” I snapped. “You think this place is well stocked… enough to keep me medicated for five years?”

‘Maybe… depending on –‘ I cut him off again.

“And when we get back to earth and I’m good and dependant on what you were giving me? Hmm?” I sniffed. “Let’s say there’s enough of these meds for five years… then  what?”

‘We can explore other therapies in the meantime John… teach you ways to cope and manage this condition. The medication is just….’

“To make me compliant?” I snapped again.

‘No… to make you feel better, to minimise your anxiety and help you sleep.’ He had gone all soft again.

I stood up… feeling tremors moving over my skin. They wanted to lock in my nightmares now too. “No!” I said firmly.

‘You need…’

“All I need is for you people to stop fucking locking me up!” I screamed at him.

•— Raven —•

‘Rey, we need you.’ The voice came from behind as I attempted to rush to the med bay.

“I will be there shortly. I really ne—” I was cut off.

‘We need you right now. We are making some head way with the council; however, no-one is going to agree on the next steps until they actually understand the what’s and the how’s of the plan.’ I knew this was important, but my hazel eyes moved down the corridor I’d bee headed down.

“Griff it’s not rocket…” I stopped myself. I knew that this would be coming, and this was why I had been trying to understand the way this ship worked from the moment it had become a feasible plan. My feet slowed to a stop as I turner to face her. She was showered with freshly wet hair, wearing one of the jumpsuits we all had been given. “When are we planning the little show and tell?”

#Miles moved from my side to squeeze my hand. ‘I’ll go to see what’s happening.’ He asked with Clarke giving the two of us a look.

‘See what’s happening where?’ She asked confused with what she was missing.

“Nothing at all.” I  told #Clarke, then to #Miles. “No, we need you to help with the showing of the ship and it’s facilities.”

‘Okay, let’s get over to the sleeper deck.’ A name given to the deck that housed the cyro beds.  ‘I told them all I would bring you down there.’

All I could do was nod my head, my heart crying out that I was failing everyone. The harder I was trying to make this all work, the faster and hard my downfall came.

‘He is in good hands.’ #Miles whispered into my ear. I knew he was right. John with those he trusted, and I knew I would be the last face he wanted to see right now.

•— John —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇʀɪᴄ ᴊᴀᴄᴋꜱᴏɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

This boy in front of me was so broken… and the worst of it was that he just accepted everything that had happened to him. He didn’t want the sympathy or the help he deserved; he didn’t feel victimised. In John  Murphy’s world, imprisonment, torture… fear, pain and trauma were just facts of life.

And yet this was the boy that stole medicine to save a little girl… then sat and waited to see if it worked, knowing he would be caught with whatever else  he’d pilfered. The boy that carried a completely unconscious Raven Reyes through a hail of gunfire… some of those bullets were fired by my own hand. I was too young to remember when his father was floated, I was only a few years older than  most of the delinquents sent to Earth. But I had completed his physical after he was arrested and read in his file about how his father had stolen the same antibiotics that he had already failed to respond to. He had been malnourished and slightly dehydrated… it had clearly been ongoing for quite some time, and the fact that he had started drinking illegal alcohol at the age of twelve hadn’t helped the problem.

He bounced back quickly in the Skybox when the was no one  trading away his ration points for booze. He seemed to almost thrive in there for all the wrong reasons… He was a survivor.

But this boy stood over me right now speaking to me like I was the enemy… he wasn’t surviving. The only person he  was a danger to was himself. I looked at the notes in my hand… If I wrote that down I would change his life forever. The only option up here would be forced medication or confinement. Both those options were going to send him into a spiral.

I cleared my throat and stood up… ignoring his anger. I pulled open a drawer and pulled out a blank notebook… paper was so rare… but just like in the mansion; there seemed to be a notebook on every single desk on the ship; if not  several.

“Okay.” I shrugged. “No medication…” He started to speak, and I cut him off this time. “If! If you agree to write in this once a day… about your thoughts… feelings… anything that makes you anxious, even your dreams.”

He narrowed  his ice-blue eyes. ‘I was joking about the journal thing, you know.’

“Frankly, I think it was a brilliant idea. Every day, John…or I will have to recommend medication to the Chief of Medical. And I want to meet with you every three days to  see how you’re doing.”

He looked at the book. ‘Are you going to read this?’

“Only if you want me to.” I said honestly. I was just trying to start a journey of self-reflection here.

‘I wouldn’t know where to start.’ He laughed self-deprecatingly.

“Start by writing about the things you did during the day… it might take a while, but things will start to come. At least one page, every day.”

‘And no meds….’ He eyed me like I was slowly backing him into a trap.

“I  can’t promise that… not without cooperation on your part John. But if you try… really try. I’ll help you stand your ground if it comes to that.”

‘So, if the panic thing happens again… It’s not something I have control over.’

“It’s not about  the panic attack John… it’s about you are making irrational decisions and hurting yourself.” I explained in that unemotional tone he responded to.

He laughed out loud at this. ‘You think I want to hurt myself? Have you met me? Everything I do is about survival.’

“It used to be… Now. Everything you do is about the survival of three people, and you aren’t one of them.” This seemed to strike a chord with him. I tapped the book in his hands. “Every day.” I jerked my chin to the door  letting him know he could go if he wanted to. He did… “John.” I stopped him before he opened the door. “Don’t let anyone else read that… Like I said… I will read whatever you want me to and it won’t ever go any further. But no one else. Not even Abby, understood?” I felt instant guilt.

John nodded and waved the book at me as he left, and I stood where I was; wondering if I’d just made a huge mistake.

•— Raven —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴄʟᴀʀᴋᴇ ɢʀɪꜰꜰɪɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

My mom, #Marcus, #MilesShaw, and Rey worked together walking the heads of the clans through the key points of cyro, my eyes were solemnly following Rey. Thinking to myself that she hides it well, the girl thought she was talented at hiding herself in plain sight. However, it was as far from the truth as we were from the sun.

Her and the pilot #MilesShaw had been whispering together all the way here to meet the others, and even now they shared looks when they thought no one watched them. But I was watching. Something was a miss here on the ship.

With the grounders… Sure we knew the clans would follow the winner of the conclave. But things changed the moment they all lay eyes on #Luna. On one side there sat a true nightblood. One they all knew to be a traitor, however still one of them. And on the other hand, there sat #Octavia the champion who won fairly. And still some of these people weren’t willing to let go. That was until Rey spoke to them in a language that touched hearts. But still they had a tension that we couldn’t break.

#Indra and #Octavia were both hanging back, they were learning as well as watching the grounders closely. I have to admit that #Indra was the best mentor our #Octavia could hope for. With Marcus on one side and #Indra on the other side. I could see this working.

‘Do you think they will trust us?’ #Nate and #bellamy were stood watching everyone with me.

‘They have no choice but to.’ #Bellamy said.

“This has to be their choice. If this is going to work.” Speaking low. “We cannot bulldoze them into doing this. O was right with that point.” #Bellamy looked shocked. “I do listen to what is being said you know.”

‘Yeah, but that doesn't mean you will agree.’

Lifting my chin over to Rey, I ask them both. “Does Rey seem okay to you both?”

#Bellamy replied first. ‘She’s not sleeping, she has a lot on her shoulders, and I believe she is beating herself up about the timeline of our return to Earth. So, no. I don’t think she is okay.’

‘She does seem to have built a friendship with #Shaw. Maybe that will help. Someone new to talk to?’ #Nate added.

Rey climbed into one of the pods, laying herself down for the others to see. Explaining how it will feel when people are put to sleep.

•— John —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇᴍᴏʀɪ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I sat in the medbay waiting while John spoke to the doctor. I had seen him have nightmares and he’d told me about the bunker; but seeing him like that… the fear in his eyes and hearing the way he gasped for air like a dying man, hit me hard. It was the first time I had truly seen how deep his scars ran.

When he finally came out he was holding a book and looked… better in some ways and worse in others. His eyes were still bloodshot and there was a red  bump on his cheek, his lip was swollen... again.

#Jasper made his way over to him. ‘Oh man… he gave you homework too.’

John gave half a smile. I wondered for a moment what the hell homework was and quickly decided that it probably didn’t  matter. Half of the things that came out of #Jasper’s mouth made no sense. He reached for John’s shoulder, pausing mid-motion like he was gauging his reaction before touching him… like you would with an unruly stallion so you didn’t get  bitten. He must have decided that John wasn’t going to bite because he set his hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle shake.

‘You’ll be okay…’ #Jasper told him. I noted how he made a point not to ask if he was okay.

John nodded and  then walked over to me, he gave me that half smile and then he hugged me. ‘I’m sorry I freaked you out.’ He whispered, but I still heard how strained his voice was, from screaming or the panic attack; I didn’t know.

“It’s okay… I just didn’t know how to help.” I whispered back.

#Luna put her hand on his shoulder and turned him to face her. ‘John… Look at me... I need you to focus and hear this.’ John nodded and she continued. ‘Raven never planned on leaving you in that  cell. She gave me the key before she left.’

“I know.” He replied. “I know… I just…” He scrunched up his nose. “I know that now…” Something in his pocket beeped. He pulled out the screen he carried at all times now and exhaled. “I um… I  gotta go to work… the rations won’t pass themselves out.”

#Luna and I were both about to protest and tell him; No, the others could take care of it today… but Jasper spoke before we could. ‘No guys… Let him go. He'll be fine.’ He smiled at  John. ‘Right? Back to normal… whatever the hell that means.’

The boys clasped hands. ‘Whatever the hell that means’ John said. They smiled like it was an inside joke. I had spent a lot of time with these guys, and they had never made a joke like this before. Jasper told him he would stay with us... and I knew that was for John’s sake, that he would feel better if someone from Skaikru was with us. Because our safety was the real source of all his anxiety.

I waited for him to  leave, and I turned to Jasper. ‘Find out where Raven is. I need to talk to her. Now.’

•— Raven —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʙᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ ʙʟᴀᴋᴇ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

#Miles broke the news to us about Murphy’s last plan, and sure a part of me got it. There wasn’t a stone I wouldn’t turn, or a person I wouldn’t fight to keep #Octavia safe. And I had done my fair share of stupid things to keep my kid sister safe in the past. But… I would never have gone looking…. Wait… Who the Fuck are we kidding right now. If I wasn’t in the room where everything was going down. If I didn’t know that we had this all-in hand. I would have been right next to Murphy, looking for those weapons to keep #Octavia from fighting again.

Wait… Was I really agreeing with him now? I guess I was. But it didn’t mean I needed to tell anyone about it.

‘Well, what do we think? Will that be enough to stop the tensions on the ship? And will they agree with us on the path that needs to be taken?’ My sister stood with her legs apart and her arms crossed over her chest. Speaking with the others.

#Indra seemed to be considering her answer before saying anything. ‘Mebi em , Oso na souda hod op en ai op.’ (Maybe, we will have to wait and see.)

‘They need a little time; this is all a lot for them to comprehend. We gave them so much information to consider.’ #Abby moved towards the doors now with the others to leave and catch up with the grounders. Except for Raven. She had a deep worried look in her eyes.

“Rey what are you doing?” I asked her while watching her tired body moving slower across the room.

‘I need to change the door codes for each door leading up to here. As much as I want to trust every member of the new council, we know it would be a mistake to trust anyone until we have their answer and their word.’

I wanted to tell her she had more faith in the people on this ship than I did. And if she wasn’t fully sold on the fact that we could become one people up here. Then all bets were off.

‘Don’t stay too long Raven, you need to go to your room and get yourself some rest.’ #Marcus told her and then we all left.

I would have stayed with her, it looked like she needed a friend right now to talk to. But I couldn't leave my sisters side. Not right now.

We weren’t even half way down the corridor when #Jasper came running at us. ‘Have you guys seen Rey?’ He asked #Nate and me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him.

‘Nothing, I just need Rey.’ He was out of breath. So, we pointed to the cryo room. But instead of running towards it. He ran off back the way he came.

“That boy has lost his mind.” I shook my head.  

•— John —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴊᴀꜱᴘᴇʀ ᴊᴏʀᴅᴀɴ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I didn’t have time to explain myself to Bellamy… #Emori was hot on my heels, and it looked like she was on the warpath. I need to give Rey the heads-up. I typed in the code for the sleeper deck; the display beeped and flashed green, and I moved inside. I typed the next code into one of the sleeper rooms… but the display buzzed angrily and turned red. “What the…” Down the hall, I heard shuffling footsteps.

I made my way towards them and saw Rey with a tablet and an open locking panel… “Are we changing the codes?” I asked in confusion. “Never mind… #Emori is looking for you… but there’s something you need to know before she catches up… about John.”

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴊᴏʜɴ ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I made my way  to the mess hall, the two grounders assigned to help were already setting out the rations and the water bottles. I set the new journal on the table that separated us from the people coming to collect their evening meal.

Breakfast was a thick sludge-like excuse for porridge, it was packed with essential vitamins and minerals, and it tasted of nothing… which I suppose was preferable to something unpleasant. Dinner consisted of rock-hard but slightly sweet biscuits and  nutrition packs. These contained a paste with a nutty, slightly salty flavour. The children and one pregnant grounder woman on board got one of these with breakfast too. Each package was opened when it was being passed out to prevent the establishment of trading or sharing of rations that might lead to people going hungry to feed weaker family or clan members. After the assigned meal time was done, we delivered rations to those that weren’t able to make it to the  mess.

People began to trickle in, and I took names, marking them off of my list and they proceeded along the line where they were passed their ration and a small cup of water that was part of their larger daily ration. I blinked my  still-stinging eyes and shut out everything but my job. No fears. No emotion… no weird head-shrinking therapy session.

“Name, move along, next. Name, move along, next.”

Teaching the grounders to use the tech up here was complicated, and I wasn’t in the mood right now, I would teach them. But today… Each repetition convincing me I was burying all the feelings that were threatening to make me eject my stomach contents just like the radiation sickness.

•— Raven —•

Work, it was the only thing left for me to do up here. As much as I wanted to look for a way back down to earth, I knew I would have a fight on my hands. My eyes moved from the tablet in my hands to the windows, witnessing the plant we had began to call home burning before our eyes. And still I could see that the fire hadn’t consumed everything just yet.

There was still an area that could hold life, however my mind knew the facts. Even if the prime fire hadn’t reached that point, the radiation would have. No-one could survive the death which came with such agony.  

“Work” Whispering the word over and over again.

I had to trust in those who were working on peace on this ship, I had to trust in my judgement to bring others up here with us. These people were given a choice. Just as John had…

“John.” I closed my eyes taking a heavy sigh.

That boy, he wasn’t ever going to trust me. Not that he did now. It was clear. Whatever faith we had gained on the Island had been lost. But it felt like we were pushing and pulling. One moment, he would explain himself, he would look worried and concerned. And the other night, when he asked me to rest with him, showing me his, Emori, and Luna’s room. Asking me to trust him. To have faith. To rest my eyes while he watched over me.

He made me feel like we could rebuild what was lost. That maybe it wasn’t gone forever. And then he still went and did something like this. His actions telling a different story to his words.

Why did it hurt my heart so much? I knew why. ‘Because a friends betrayal stings deeper than that of a stranger’. At least this was what my mentor’s wife and my friend #SkylarSinclair used to say to us often.

The sound of the door opening behind me pulled me from a memory, and my eyebrow arched as #Jasper came rushing in.

“Uhm… Yeah.. We are—” He cut me off before I could explain why I was changing the door codes.

“What.. are you talking about? Why do you think you need to warn me about Emori coming?” His face was flushed, his eyes darting to the door.

‘Do you think you could change the lock on this door in the next sixty seconds?’ Was he joking?

•— John —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇᴍᴏʀɪ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

#Jasper had run off ahead of me… he was supposed to be helping me to find Raven. But it was easy enough to keep track of him. I just followed the trail of bewildered people he left behind as he speed-walked the hallways of the spaceship we called home now. #Luna followed me speaking trig and trying to tell me to stop and think. To calm down.

But I had done nothing but think about this, watching John and Raven avoiding one another since we made it up here.

They were both their own worst enemies, it was clear that they needed one another but for some reason, they were just doing everything they could to push the other further and further away. I knew why John was doing it… he was punishing himself.

I heard #Jasper and Raven talking just ahead, but I didn’t wait for an opening. “Raven!” I rounded the corner and put myself between #Jasper and Rey.

‘Shit… too late…’ Jasper whispered.

“What is wrong with you?” I continued speaking to Raven, ignoring Jasper. “John is drowning, and you just keep walking away. On the island If he’d walked away when you were pushing him away… sometimes literally…”

His current swollen lip was reminding me of the one she’d given him once. Not that she could be blamed for that any more than John could be blamed for what they were calling a panic attack.

“And if he had walked away from you like you keep doing, you’d have died long before you cured yourself. He made one  decision that you disagreed with and what?... You just cut him out of your life? He needs you.”

I was a little breathless by the time I finished. I hadn’t really known what I was planning on saying to her. And once I started talking everything just rushed out too fast. I had told John, again and again, to talk to her… not to tell her everything about how he felt because I knew that would end well for either of them. But they still needed one another… the bond they’d  grown on the island was strong… and even though neither of them would admit it; they were stronger together.

‘Um…’ Jasper cleared his throat. ‘So… just some context… John had a panic attack and I’m pretty sure #Jackson has blackmailed him  into starting therapy.’ Then he took two long strides backwards and I glared at him.

•— Raven —•

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʟᴜɴᴀ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I was too late; I should have known better. Nothing good would come of the anger that had been bubbling under Emori’s skin. However, I did not see this coming.

My eyes were trained on #Emori burning daggers into her back as she spoke to Raven. But it wasn’t until I saw something in those broken hazel eyes, that my heart broke for the second time in the same day.

Witnessing John destroyed and frightened in the brig had felt like a knife to my heart. And again now! I knew no other in the room had noticed but I did. The moment #Emori’s words sank in, Raven stumbled back just before catching herself. Those expressive eyes of hers, which once lit up any room, and all the hearts around her when she smiled, were glistening with pain, with regret, with remorse. The same pain she had been living with since her return to find #Jasper, John, and me still on the island.  

I stepped up in between the two girls.  

“Daun nou ste ridiyo!” (That’s not true!) “Raven did not walk away—”

#Emori cut me off. ‘Yes, yes, she did. You saw It too. you saw what leaving John in that prison did to him.’

‘Emori, John wasn’t alone. We were all there.’ #Jasper tried to say. But it was Raven who I was looking back at.  

“Ai Stisis?” (Little Sister?) I whispered to bring her back from wherever her mind had taken her.

Raven just stood there, with her eyes dead to the world that existed around her. I couldn’t even see the darkness that once would have been telling me everything I needed.

“Ai Stisis?” (Little Sister?) I whispered again this time turning my full body to face her. “Dison laik nou ona Yu.” (This is not on you.) I knew that nothing I would say could help her now. My eyes dropped to her hands clasped around a tablet so tight that the whites of her knuckles were showing. The only sign that she was still here.

“Raven?” the hand I placed on her bicep jolted her out from wherever she had been.

‘Emori.’ Her voice was calm. A little too calm. ‘What is wrong with me?’ Her eyes were locked on the girl behind me as she stepped around to face her. ‘I am sick to death of people who only think of themselves asking me that question. What would have come of me if he had let me die? I would have been at peace now.’ The way she said this and then looked out the window down to our burning home, sent chills down my spine. ‘Will I cut him out of my life?’ She stepped closer to Emori as she whispered low, but I could still hear. ‘At least I don’t act like I am his friend, have him risk the life of everyone to save me, and then on the first opportunity that arose, leave him to die alone on a island he should never had been left on.’

Raven pointed to #Jasper and then me. ‘They were the only ones who were there with him. I recall collecting you from Polis where you were saving your own arse. So, as much as I know you both think you are some hard nut survivors. I am not. I cannot forget that those I love were put in danger, I cannot forget that those I cared for, were left to pick up the mess that is caused time and time again because He and You still don’t understand that you are a part of this family. So, maybe… just maybe… I am done trying to show you. I am broken, and I am the one that is realising that maybe I was wrong. That you and he don’t want to be in our family. So… Maybe…. I am giving you and him… what you both want…. To be free of all that comes as part of me thinking of you both as family…. Maybe… I am….’

She didn’t finish off her words. Just walked away without looking back.

#Jasper and I stood there letting Raven’s words sink in. #Emori followed Raven with her eyes. ‘Raven! Wait!’ but I took a hold of her arm keeping her in place.

“Wochas ona riskiwe, Emori. Krei nopro na drop yu trei klin nami. Em  na fleim au Yu en em.” (Be careful of the dark, Emori. It’s too easy to lose your way. It will burn you and her.)

•— John —•

I scrolled through the list of names, there were many that I knew were still sick or injured and unable to make it here to get their rations. But there were so many others today skipping meals. Of course, Raven was among them. It wasn’t the first time either… It was worrying how many meals she’d likely missed. And who knew if she was eating what was being dropped to her room or not?

Adding onto that #Luna, #Emori and #Jasper were no-shows today too. On top of the usual  suspects that I was beginning to think we’re happy to believe I was a delivery boy. #Octavia was a bloody grounder Queen and even she could show up and collect her own rations. But #Clarke and #Bellamy? Apparently, they were too important for  that. But today I sent the grounders to drop off most of the rations.

The last place I wanted to be was back in the med bay. I wasn’t sure where to find her… so I went to Raven’s room… Since I had no idea where that was, I had to check the  list in the database that I was only allowed access to because I was responsible for the food. On the way to her room, I spotted #Shaw walking towards me. I kept walking with my eyes glued to the tablet… hoping that I could just walk by as  if I hadn't even seen him. I wasn’t in the mood to make small talk with the guy that locked me up.

‘Are you looking for Raven?’ He looked around the hallway like he was an Alpha Station privy and I was a Farm Station grunt that didn’t know my  place. But I wasn’t going to let him think he was getting to me by walking by him when there was no chance I hadn’t heard him.

“I’m looking for a lot of people actually… including you.” I reached into the pack I was carrying and handed him  his rations. “Your shift cycle put you on the last pick up and you didn’t show. I’m not a delivery boy. Next time you can go hungry.” I took a step to keep going. He cut me off.

‘Actually… I’m pretty sure delivering rations is in your job description.’ He was far too smug, thankfully I was so exhausted right now that I didn’t have the energy to be angry.

“For the medical staff and the wounded. You are neither. If you don’t mind… I have drop-offs for people that actually  need it.” I tried to move again, and he stopped me.

‘Like Raven…’ He was still smirking. ‘She’s not in her room, but I can take it to her.’

“I can handle it… thanks.” The thanks stung a little.

‘I really think you should just let me do it… and just leave Raven alone. I have no idea what the history is with you two… but it's clear she wants it to be done. And I think it would be better for her if you just… left her alone.’ He looked so superior and all I could do was laugh at him, imagining what Raven would say to him if she heard him trying to speak for her.

“I know you haven’t known her for very long… But I’m sure you know that she has no problem voicing her own opinions… and trust me she has several opinions of me… She’s made that extremely clear.” I tried again to get passed him.

‘Or… maybe she’s worried you’d… fall apart if she told you to kick rocks… or… you just can’t take a hint.’ He put his hand on my chest to stop me… I  clenched my jaw.

‘Is there a problem here?’ A gravelly voice that was all too familiar came from behind us and I groaned.

‘Not at all.’ #Shaw stood straighter, and I smirked. What a kiss ass.

‘John?’ #Kane’s brow rose.

“Just trying to  get to work… But Officer Shaw here was worried his pants made his ass look fat… I was just reminding him that all bodies are beautiful.” I smirked and #Kane rolled his eyes.

‘It’s Lieutenant actually.’ #Shaw spoke through gritted teeth.

“Cool.” I smiled. “Ever kill a guy?”

‘Have you?’ He bit right back and smirked.

I just fixed him with a stare.

‘I think that’s enough of that, don’t you both have work to do?’ #Kane moved between the two of us and Shaw backed off.

‘Yeah… I have better things to do with my time.’ #Shaw said as he walked off.

I waited until he got a few feet down the hall and called after him. “Hey, Lieutenant…. That ass though!” I winked and blew him a kiss.

#Kane gripped my arm  and turned me away, walking me further along the corridor. ‘What is wrong with you?’ He hissed quietly. ‘You know our lives depend on these people, right?’

“Thank you, Jaha.” I grumbled…. “And no, they don’t; we have people that can run this ship with no problem.”

‘You need to get your act together, son—’

“I’m no one's son… I’m sure you remember that, right… you were right next to Jaha when he floated my father, weren’t you? Oh, and wasn’t you that ordered me placed into that pathetic excuse of a care centre after my mom drank herself to death on the moonshine you failed to stop the illegal sale of?” I smiled again. I had no idea where all of this was coming from… but the run-in with #Shaw had me on edge and my defences were razor-sharp. I just couldn’t stop it. “Thought so…”

I really wanted to stop it.

‘All of this anger is going to kill you, John… What were you even doing here before you tried to pick a fight with our pilot?’ I bit my tongue…  telling him that the soldier boy had approached me and then consistently stopped me from walking away was a waste of breath and I was just too tired.

I told him I was looking for Raven and the others because they had skipped yet another meal. He told me where to find them.

『 ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴇᴍᴏʀɪ'ꜱ ᴘᴏᴠ 』

I was dumbstruck… this was all my fault. I was the reason she could hardly stand to look at John. All because he tried to save me… Had I truly been the reason that John lost the woman that he loved… even if he could never have that kind of relationship with her.

I was the reason that they couldn’t even be friends… I had driven the wedge between the two of them and stolen the finite amount of peace they gave each other. Not that either of them knew it. But #Luna and I did, the only time they ever got a moment of sleep worth having, was when the other was close by.

I just stood there… unable to speak or think…

Until a door swished open, and someone  stepped in. “John…” I said, stunned. His lip was still swollen but the mark on his cheek seemed to be less red and angry.

‘What the…’ He blinked and looked around. ‘What’s going on?’

•— Raven —•

‘I didn’t expect to find you here?’ #Lizzy’s soft voice broke me out of my daze as I sat on the spare chair beside #Dela’s bed.

“I hadn’t planned to come here. I wanted to be in a place where I could see something that has been done right… something I had done that was for the good of someone.” Replying without breaking my eyes away from the girl. “My feet carried me here.”

‘She’s a special young lady for sure.’ Taking #Dela’s vitals #Lizzy wrote them down.

“How is she doing now?” The young girl looked so small on the bed; her dark hair matted to her forehead as they kept her as comfortable as they could.

‘Our Dela is a little fighter, like I tell her parents, we will take each day as it comes.’ It was as good as it was going to be. ‘Now, shouldn’t you be in the mess hall having your dinner?’

Shaking my head. “I’d rather be here. Somewhere I cannot mess things up.” #Lizzy paused before leaving me to it.

Uncertain of the amount of time that had passed before I began to speak to the girl. “I don’t know if you can hear me in there. But I want you to know you aren’t alone.” Taking out the tablet I brought with me. “I remember reading somewhere that listening to music, or hearing people speaking to you can help. So, I hope you don’t mind me reading you a story.”

Retrieving the book that I have read three times by now on the tablet, I began to read from the title page.

“Cinder by Marissa Meyer.

Chapter 1 THE SCREW THROUGH CINDER'S ANKLE HAD RUSTED, THE engraved cross marks worn to a mangled circle. Her knuckles ached from forcing the screwdriver into the joint as she struggled to loosen the screw one gritting twist after another. By the time it was extracted far enough for her to wrench free with her prosthetic steel hand, the hairline threads had been stripped clean. Tossing the screwdriver onto the table, Cinder gripped her heel and yanked the foot from its socket. A spark singed her fingertips and she jerked away, leaving the foot to dangle from a tangle of red and yellow wires. She slumped back with a relieved groan. A sense of release hovered at the end of those wires--freedom. Having loathed the too-small foot for four years, she swore to never put the piece of junk back on again. She just hoped Iko would be back soon with its replacement.”

A sound from behind me had me sit up in the chair to look around as to where it had come from. #Dela’s father stood there in the shadow of the med bay smiling.

‘Beja dula op nou hod op.’ ( Please do not stop. ). ‘Dela loves stories from the imagination of others.’ He stepped forward so that now I could see him in the dim light.

“Oh, uhm. This isn’t my story. A lady from the year 2011 by the name of Marissa Meyer wrote and published it.” Saying as I pointed to the device in my hands.  “It’s a story of a young girl,  who is brave and strong. So… I thought Dela may enjoy it.”

‘Just like our Dela.’ He whispered stepping around the covered bed, placing his hand over it as close to touching her as was possible for him at this time. His eyes glistened with unfallen tears, however his lips still smiled even if it didn’t reach his eyes. ‘You are a brave girl too Raven. Intelligent, and strong.’

I didn’t say anything, because right now I felt none of those things.

‘The way you took your time to explain the… bag gon ridop raun?’ ( Beds to sleep in? ) Confusion across his face.

“The cryo beds.” I helped him.

‘Yes. The cryo beds. My people will need a little time. But. I am sure it will be something we will agree to.’ Only now did I notice the changes on his face. #Dela, her mom #Spring, and her dad #Delano were all of the Trishanakru. These were people of the Glowing Forest who believed in the land as their provider. Tattoos on some of their foreheads told of their beliefs and the ranking of their place in the tribe.

#Delano’s soft smile and the light touch to his forehead told me he saw the recognition. ‘My people have named me as their voice. As their...’

“Their ambassador?” I finished to help again, and he nodded his head.

‘So, you see. With everything you and your people have done for us. for our Dela. I am indebted.

“Thank you, Ambassador Delano. For believing in what we are putting forward.” I stood up and he waved me to sit in the chair.

‘Chof gon bilaik don dula gon Ai fyucha, en Oso kru.’ ( Thank you for all you did for my baby, and our people. ) #AmbassadorDelano, left me to read to his daughter. Telling me that it would be an honour to let me sit with #Dela while she healed.

Closing my eyes, I let the tears that I’d been holding back fall. Finally, maybe just maybe I could do right by some of the souls on this ship. Opening the tablet, I continued where I’d left off.

“Cinder was the only full-service mechanic at New Beijing's weekly market. Without a sign, her booth hinted at her trade only by the shelves of stock android parts that crowded the walls. It was squeezed into a shady cove between a used netscreen dealer and a silk merchant, both of whom frequently complained about the tangy smell of metal and grease that came from Cinder's booth, even though it was usually disguised by the aroma of honey buns from the bakery across the square. Cinder knew they really just didn't like being next to her.”

•— John —•

Emori told me everything… including all about how she’d come to the conclusion that it was all her fault. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t convince her that the only thing I regretted about all that had happened on the island was, that  I didn’t keep looking for Raven until I found her; to tell her my plan. And that I would do it again if I believed it was the only way to keep her safe.

She eventually relented but I knew I hadn’t changed her mind. Maybe time would?

She and #Luna returned to the room, and I went to look for Raven. I didn’t go back to her room… I had a feeling that she wouldn’t be there, and that I would run into #Shaw again nearby… like the creep I was starting to see he was.

I knew what Raven did when she was trying to keep herself from spiralling… she took care of people.

On my way to the med bay, I met Dela’s father. ‘Ah… the young healer.’ He spoke to me in his own language. And gripped my forearm in the way of his  people.

“Not anymore… now I just pass out the food.” I chuckled.

‘In my village… in the winter, things were hard. If we didn’t preserve enough meat before winter people would go hungry. We began pooling our resources as a community. The  person chosen to assign those resources was highly respected… trusted.’ Delano said, but I didn’t let the words sink in. I was the only person that spoke Trig and wasn’t one of the elites… hence… delivery boy duties.

“Maybe.” I gave a smile. The Trishanakru man placed a hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in until his tattooed forehead touched mine. Another tradition of his people… a high honour from someone appointed to his status.

‘You are a healer… you saved my  little one. You will always be a healer.’ He said quietly and stepped away. ‘The clever one is inside with Dela… telling her a story. You know who I mean… the pretty one?’

I laughed softly. “Sure... I know who you mean.”

I moved to the  door of the med bay and saw Raven sitting there… reading from the screen, I listened for a moment and stepped inside. “Just so you know… she’s heard this one… It was my sloppy retelling… but… I like to think I did a good job summarising the story.”

I moved further inside and stuffed my hands into my pockets. “I’m sorry… that #Emori blew up like that. She just… She’s worried about me and she… she thought she was protecting me. I guess we all do crazy shit when we think we’re protecting the people we care about. But It’s my fault… not hers. It’s hard for her here. She’s afraid.”

•— Raven —•

Stopping mid-paragraph wasn’t acceptable for me, so I continued to read until the end, all as a barrage of emotions consumed me. Questions filled my head while I attempted to take in the story I wanted to tell the sick girl.

How had he found me?

Was he looking for me?

Why had he come after what I’d done?

What was I even going to say to him?

All the while I didn’t dare to glance up from the tablet in my hands, because I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to step out of the silo I’d created with #Dela, #Cinder, and myself. And yet here he stood.

“You gave Dela your version, and I gave her the correct one.” My eyes moved over to the girl who lay there as if she were fast asleep and not forced into a medical induced coma . “Now she has a choice of which one to believe and dream of.”   Finally lifting my eyes up towards his direction.

The swell of his lips hadn’t disappeared, the bruises still visible, the mark on his cheek not as red however, it was still noticeable from where I sat. Add to it that he looked weak and tired, all the glow and the wellness of our time on the island slowly vanishing before my eyes. How much I had failed him now resonating deeper within my soul, the facts, and the internal turmoil I had been drowning in before he stood here escalating in me.

I wanted to ask him so many questions. I wanted to shout at him, to shake him. But none of that belonged between Reyes and Murphy. Those emotions had been the heart of a friendship that belonged to John and Raven.

With this realisation, I set the tablet down on the side, pushing myself up from the chair. “I’m guessing you came here to spend time with Dela too. I won’t keep you from her.” Only now noticing the rations he was carrying along with him.

Frowning my eyebrows pulled together making me feel the ache in my head more prominently. Rubbing my fingers into the bridge of my nose I kept my voice low as I asked. “Please… Please tell me you aren’t stealing rations because you are planning to do something stupid again?”

•— John —•

I pressed my lips together to stifle a chuckle. It was such a Raven thing to do; it had been a shitty day… so I took the small moment, as Raven would say. She ignored me and kept reading. I stayed leaning against the door frame until she was  ready to speak with me. My temper and impatience and restlessness seemed… More manageable around her. I would like to say that it disappeared… but it was still all there, looming in the back of my mind like a dark cloud.

“I didn't have a copy of the book.” I let out that chuckle now. “I had to improvise.”

I chewed on my cheek and looked at the floor. “I um… I haven’t been around much…” I looked over at the office doors where #Abby and #Jackson were likely sequestered; working… I couldn’t remember the last time I saw them not working… much like the woman standing before me. “They don’t want me here anymore.”

I saw her eyes drifting to the bag in my hand… and her words… there it was. That dark cloud, threatened to take me over again. Not like the panic attack, it was anger… fear. The irrational thoughts of what could happen to me if I was caught stealing… even though I knew Raven would never truly accuse me… or even report me if I was guilty. But there it was; the image of my father outside the Ark… floating. My too-vivid imagination drew me into his place. I took a breath. I wanted to ask her if she truly thought so little of me. Where did she think I could go? But I  quelled all of that... a feat that would be impossible if I was stood here with anyone else.

“These are yours actually… you missed your evening rota again. The others are for The Docs and Lizzie… the patients that can eat solids… they  normally can’t leave the med bay for long, so I bring their rations here.” My pale blue gaze settled on hers. I handed her one of the packages. “Twice a day… every day. The same for the elderly and the wounded in the dorms or staterooms… Same for the Arkadians and Alpha Station prigs that think they are too good to come and pick up their own food just like everyone else.”

I clenched my jaw and let the self-hatred pour into me… “I was doing well there until the end, wasn’t I?” I pinched the bridge of my nose.

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my hands over my face I stood there. And there it was again, that vast crater that had come in between the two of us had just grown some more. Why did I do this? Why was I so certain that whenever I saw him, he would be up to no good? That voice in my head telling me that it was because he was always up to no good, that’s why.

However, that wasn’t the truth now and his answer hit me like a slap on the face. My hand lifted and reached out to take the packet he handed over to me. Seeing that this was something he did? He walked around the ship handing people their food so that they didn’t miss out of any of their food rations.

“Yeah, your explanation was even believable up until the last part.” Is that what I was now? “Thank you for taking the time to bring this Alpha Station prig her meal. But so you know… I’m not from Alpha station. And I am not hungry, which is why I didn’t come to take this today.” Holding the packet up, out of the corner of my eyes, seeing an older lady a sleep looking so weak as though she hadn’t eaten in weeks. She would be the one I would leave this pack to. I told myself.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to accuse you…” Did I? No! that hadn’t been my motivation. No matter how it sounded like… I had wanted a head start if he needed to be taken out of the brig again.  “I just needed a heads up in case you planned…” I couldn’t finish that thought. Because I didn’t want to think of the things this boy could be planning in his head. And there was no way, I wanted to feed his ideas.

“What did you mean by they don’t want you in here? I cannot imagine Abby, Jax, and Lizzy saying no to another set of hands in here?” with my gaze moving over the sleeping forms in the med bay I could see how they could run out of hands if things weren’t managed well.  

•— John —•

I groaned and squeezed the bridge of my nose even harder. Shit!! How did I manage to fuck so much up with one damned sentence?

“No… Raven. Not… you’re Mech St---” That point was totally irrelevant. “I mean #Griffin and… okay #Bellamy was Mech station too, but he’s basically one of them since he joined the guard. Even #Octavia can make it to the mess to pick up her own food and she’s the damn grounder queen. I don’t mean you… unlike them; you don’t just expect me to search the ship and delivery you yours twice a day.”

I set the bag on the nearest table and sighed. I couldn’t blame her for thinking the worst… I hadn’t given her any reasons to think any better of me. But did she really think I was planning on  stealing from the stores? It was probably just a matter of time before I did something stupid like that. I dragged my hand through my hair… what the fuck was wrong with me? I mean… other than the things Doc Lite listed off earlier.

“As soon  as most of the patients were discharged and they didn’t need anyone to clean wounds or translate; they couldn’t get me out of here fast enough… I guess they don’t need to settle for me anymore now that they had Lizzie.” I said the last part  a little softer… it was likely #Lizzie was in here somewhere; I didn’t want her to think I was talking badly about her. Despite our rough start, she was actually kind of badarse… now that I’d gotten to know her a little over puss-filled boils and while cleaning various bodily discharges. “It makes sense… but, apparently, I’m still bitter.” I gave her the best sarcastic smile I could muster.

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my forehead now I dropped my head. What was wrong with us? What was wrong with him? “You think Griff and Bells want you to walk around the ship looking for them?”

My voice remained low because I was out of steam, and I wasn’t about to shout at him. Pointing to the door while speaking. “They are stuck in a room full of people who could start a war on this ship. And if you haven’t noticed, if blood is spilled up here. We are all screwed. They aren’t out to get you or show you your place, Murphy. They are trying to keep the clans calm until they fully cooperate under the leadership of Octavia.

You know how they reacted when they learnt Luna was on the ship. This is all taking time, and Marcus wants it done behind the closed doors, so not to spread misinformation or mayhem through the people on board.”

However, now my concern grew. “But if you can think like this, I wonder what others are thinking, saying and doing?” This I said  more to myself. “Discord is contagious...”

Shaking my head. “Also, don’t do that. Don’t kick yourself in the arse. You did it down there. And you are doing it again. You bring a lot to the table. And maybe Abby saw that you didn’t want to be in here. Have you thought of it that way? She never stopped you from helping on the ground. But things up here…. We all are returning up into space with our own baggage.”

My voice had a shudder in it, so I cleared my throat before speaking again.

“You have a job that someone can only do if they are truly trusted. You can speak to everyone, your trig, the way you talk to the young ones, it all makes you someone they all trust. So… don’t… just don’t… not believe in the work you’re doing.”

Holding my spare hand out now. “Hand me the meals for the others, I will go find them and give them out. And I will come take their meal pack from now. So, you don’t have to go looking for people you dislike so much.”

•— John —•

“I don’t think they give me enough consideration to want anything from me. They just expect it.” I murmured the words… I knew how it sounded, but I also knew it was mostly true. “Maybe that's the problem… maybe they aren't the people that  should be in there…” Then I stopped… I blinked and shook my head as her words sank in. Was Raven Reyes telling me to fall in line and follow the lead of others; even when I disagreed with the way they made those decisions?

“Discord? Do you  really believe I have any influence over what people think?” I dragged my hand over my face, I kept my voice low for two reasons. One… I was not pissed off at Raven. Two; #Dela looked like she was sleeping. Though I knew with the cocktail of drugs they had her on, I could shake her and she wouldn’t wake up. “I’m not trying to start an uprising, Raven. I’m just trying to…” I stopped… and didn’t say; Talk to you… about the things that made me want to be Murphy instead of  John… And that she was the only person that made that possible. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t planning on letting them shove me into some glass coffin for five years either, but I was hoping it might not come to that.

“#Abby knew I wanted  to stay here, she said if I was needed, she would call on me… but with #Lizzie and Clarke I wasn’t needed and they had formal training.” I rolled my eyes #Clarke’s interest in the medical field had died with #Lexa. “My language skills were  needed… or so I was told… the Princess could hardly be expected to hand out rations.”

Part of me supposed that learning Trig could be the one thing that kept them from floating me at the first second they deemed me disobedient. I sighed  heavily… I knew that it was pointless… “Baggage… yeah. Give it another week and I’ll be mopping floors again. And I’m not asking you to do the job for me, Raven. But you’re…” There was no point in telling her what it was like… she knew the  disrespect Farm Station got… it was no different from Mech Station. But Raven had made herself useful from an early age, she was clever… she had skills. I wasn’t intelligent, I wasn’t particularly strong… I had started to think I had a knack  for the med bay… but I was just in the way now… “Right… I need to just remember my place.” I managed not to add Before they lock me up again.

What #Delano said to me in the hall came back. But this wasn’t the same. Trust? People didn’t trust me… They would be stupid to trust me. “No one trusts me, Raven… Maybe Emori… But she shouldn’t. I’m sure it's only a matter of time before I let her down again too.”

•— Raven —•

“Griff has no interest in being in here, we all know it and have witnessed it…..” I started but then found myself stopping because my voice had raised a little.  

For the fourth time in as many minutes, once again I was asking myself…. What was happening to the two of us? We had never been ‘Friends’, on the ark. I hadn’t even said more than a few words to him before he stopped coming to classes, because he’d been locked up. When I’d come down to earth, I’d even tried to send this boy to his death all in the names to save #Finn. But even then. We had somehow accomplished something on the path to familiarity while we were on #Becca’s Island.

Sighing my hazel eyes stung from the flow of emotions from the memories brought back. The late nights full of conversations, the helping one another with whatever was needed, the joking and jabbing that was never taken in malice. And now… Now we cannot even pass one another without leaving in some form of hurt or pain.

Looking around the room I saw the small area #Jax and #Abby used, taking Johns arm I pulled him the best I could.

“Come with me, we cannot talk here.” I told him. Setting the packet in my hand down on the bed beside the older woman asleep two beds down from #Dela I didn’t stop until we were in the small space, and I partly close the door.

Still keeping my voice low while I took my jacket off and set it down on the table. My hands moved to tighten my ponytail, before turning to face him.

“I am not saying you are about to start anything here. I am not telling you what to say or do. I am not even saying don’t ask questions. All I am saying is… Why… why can’t you wait until there is some form of alliance in place?” Biting on my lips I wasn’t saying what it was I was really feeling.

“You know what. No… I’m not even saying that… You know what I am saying….” I took a step closer to look him in his blue eyes.

“I am saying I am sorry….I am sorry I left you behind when you begged me to bring you… I am sorry that I didn’t unlock the brig the second I saw you in there. Because I know what causes you pain… I knew where your fears are… and I messed the fuck up! I am saying… Why are we so broken that you have just stopped yourself a number of times mid-sentence instead of just telling me what is happening in your mind… We used to talk before we were broken…. And I don’t like this…. I don’t like being broken from someone who stayed up nights to keep me alive… someone I once thought of as a friend….

That’s where Emori has the upper hand… She hasn’t given up on you. She will never stop trusting you. She cornered me to let me know how shit I am. And I have to agree with her.”

The words came in a torrent that had no plans of stopping until it had all been shared.

•— John —•

She was right about Clarke… as soon as #Abby landed #Clarke had stopped acting as the medic, and even I could see at the time that she was needed elsewhere. Her bond with #Lexa made her essential in the leadership of Skaikru… at least until the #Heda abandoned our people in Mount Weather.

I wasn’t stupid enough to think that I was indispensable in the medbay… but there was something about it that had spurred me to want to learn. When I was looking after people other than Raven. When #Abby and Lizzie were teaching me more than the very specific tasks I needed to help Raven when she was seizing.

A new desire I hadn’t felt before had taken root, a desire to learn more. But that was out of reach now.

When she took my arm there was no question that I was going to follow her. It reminded me of the many times I had taken her by her arm or her wrist and guided her to bed… her bed in the Mansion or the bio bed in the lab when she was close to death. I said nothing about the rations she slipped next to the older woman, there would have been no point… and something told me that she needed  to feel like she was helping another soul… even though everything she did ensured the survival of everyone on this ship.

I let her speak… lord knows that I had bombarded her with far too many words when I had started this conversation. Guilt swelled in my chest, I remembered… begging her -with tears pricking my eyes- not to leave me behind, because when people left they never came back. I knew I had nothing of value to offer the mission, my motives were based on fear. A fear of dying on the island where I had been imprisoned, entirely alone for three months. Because that island… without Raven… was nothing more than the prison that forced me to put a gun to my head. Without Raven, it wasn’t home. Tears threatened as I remembered giving her the bullet I had taken from that gun to never forget.

She had said so much I didn’t know where to start. My heart was struggling to beat like it was being squeezed. It was so clear she was in pain. And I didn’t mean her leg.

So, I started with the problem that was preventing us from talking about all the rest of it… the broken  friendship.

“I hate this too Raven. I miss you… I miss the way things were with us… The reason I keep stopping myself from speaking is because all I want to do is ask you to forgive me for all the stupid things I’ve done, and I know I don’t have the right to do that.”

I stepped closer to her.

“And #Emori doesn’t think about you like that… I scared the shit out of her today. And All she knows is that I’m… Better … around you and now… She just doesn’t understand that you are being part of my life isn’t going to fix the fact… That I’m  actually insane. Please don’t hold it against her, it was me… I…” did she know what had happened to me? She’d mentioned not unlocking the brig. Had someone told her about my panic attack? “I frightened her… and she took it out on you, which was shitty, and I told her that. But she didn’t say all of that out of malice.”

I took another deep breath and stepped another half-step closer to her, locking onto those hazel eyes of hers, the hints of gold hidden in their depths had dimmed out of sight from exhaustion.

“You don’t need to apologise to me, Raven. Yes, you left… Yes, I had begged you not to leave me behind. But you…” My voice failed and my throat swelled almost completely shut. “You came back. No one has ever come back for me, but then you… came back from outer fucking space, for me.” I knew that she’d  come back for all of us… but the second I saw the streak of fire in the dusty night sky all I had felt was that she was coming for me. “And all I want; more than anything else is for you to let me prove to you that it wasn’t a mistake. I’ve tried… and I fucked it up. I can’t do it without you, Rey.”

•— Raven —•

“Of course, I came back for you… I told you.. I promised I was coming back.” My hand went into my jumpsuit pocket and came out curled around the one thing he gave me before I left him on earth. Reaching out I took his hand again, setting the item in his palm and closing his fingers around it. “I promised… I promised…”

John Murphy… He’d just said he missed me? Did that mean that there were still chances for us to save this tattered friendship? I don’t know how it happened, or when. The only thing I know is that I took another step forwards, wrapping my arms around his neck. Resting my chin on his shoulders I hugged him so tight; I didn’t want to let go. With my eyes closed I just held him to me.

Time passed; I wasn’t even certain how long it was before my dry lips formed words. “I missed you too. You and Luna… you became my world on that island. Without the two of you, I feel like I’m lost… like I’m missing my arms as well as my heart.” Telling him the truth was the only way we could heal. The only way we could move on from everything that has occurred here.

“Don’t be mad at Emori, she is looking out for you. I know what she said was true, I don’t have a leg to stand on. She saw something that… like you said… She was terrified of what she saw… Of what happened when I turned my back on you…”

Still holding on to him for dear life. “It was shitty of me to do that. No matter if I didn’t mean it. That Leaving was my way to make sure we didn’t say anything that would break this… us even more… However, I get it. I get that you needed me to step up for you… To question why you were in there…. And I failed you.”

Lowering my voice now still holding on to him. to I hoped my friend. “Will you every forgive me? Can we rebuild, or is it gone forever? I don’t want to do this without you… without my friend… Without my sister… Please, John… Can we try to fix this?”

My eyes stung, I didn’t realise  my breathing had become sporadic the more I thought of the way we used to be, to the way we were now.

•— John —•

I didn’t take my eyes off her. I didn’t need to, to know what it was she was closing into my palm. It felt heavy; like the weight of it could drag me to the ground. She didn’t understand what I meant…. She thought I hadn’t believed she’d come back. But what I meant was that  when people leave… they die, and you never see them again.

I was about to tell her as much when she pulled me into a hug. She smelled like machine oil and sparks… and Raven. It silenced me, and my arms came around her and I held onto her as tightly as I thought I could  without hurting her. She was close enough that I could feel her chest rise when she took a breath. I remembered so many nights with that comforting, monotonous beeping that became my lullaby… watching her chest rising and falling just to know that she was still alive. Now  that breath was warming my skin through the stiff, utilitarian fabric of the jumpsuit.

I didn’t dare say a word in case I said something stupid that would ruin this. She didn’t pull away.

She. Didn’t. Pull. Away.

I let out a breath that almost sounded like a sob, when she  told me she missed me… every emotion possible flooded me. “You were never lost Rey, never. I – “ I corrected myself. “We never lost sight of you, not for one moment. We were there, just… at a distance. But always there.” My hand moved a little on her back, about to rub her  back in a gesture of comfort… but… would that be, okay? I had no idea. So, I stopped myself.

“I’m not mad at her… and you shouldn’t be either. She just didn’t know what was happening and she blamed you. She knows that she shouldn’t have… but I think that is something for  you and her to talk about.”

“You couldn’t have known… if I hadn’t been so worked up, I would have seen you pass the key to #Luna. It’s not the kind of thing that I would normally miss. And I’m sorry I couldn’t hold onto my faith in you to know you’d never have left me in  there. I knew that… I did… but it's like something locked away everything logical in my mind and I couldn’t reach it.”

Her voice had lowered, and it made my chest ache because it sounded like she might start to cry any second. My hand clenched; I could feel the bullet there  making an imprint on my palm. “There’s nothing to forgive, Raven. Nothing. And we don’t have to try…” Her voice was breaking, and I held her tighter. “This can be it; this can be what fixes everything. We get to choose that, don’t we? We get to choose each other over anything else that’s happened if we both want it, don’t we? Because that’s the only thing I’ve wanted since we made it up here.”

•— Raven —•

As much as I would like to have stopped them, the tears began to roll freely down my cheeks, and I now resigned myself to them. Never had I been one to hide myself and my emotions from the others, however these tears felt like they were leaving me naked on the periphery of a path there would be no turning back from.

But this is what we needed. Both John and I… we needed the truth to come out because the alternative would be the end. And end there would be no coming back from.

Listening to him speaking had kept me from spilling over my emotions even further, however each word weighted heavily on my chest. Even now, even after all the turmoil I had caused him and the others. He… they still had some form of faith in me?

One question looped over and over again in my mind. ‘How is this so?’

Emori… I knew that I would need to have an open and honest conversation with her too. “I understand why she said what she did, and I think I understand…” I cut off feeling the lump in my throat doubling in size. Clearing it wasn’t as easy as it should have been. So, I gave myself a moment before continuing. “I will talk with her.”

It was now that I noticed that I was still holding on to him so tightly, and I couldn’t let go. He was giving me an easy out, however I wouldn’t forgive myself. “You couldn’t have seen clearly at the time John. It is a lot to experience all at once. And then on top of it...” Pulling back now I cupped his face, with my eyes searching his out. “Logical? It’s the last thing to expect from yourself at a time like that. You have nothing to apologise for, you said sorry before, I just couldn’t accept it because I couldn’t see how I could face you and all that happened.”

Letting my hands drop I took a step back allowing myself a moment to face the boy I had wronged and allowing his forgiveness to soak into my soul. Some part of me still disbelieving the fact that I had brought us in here to go head-to-head. With the knowledge if we couldn’t solve whatever it was keeping us apart, the five years on this ship would be spent attempting to never cross paths with him. And that… I couldn’t live with…

Stepping back in, I hugged him again. “This is it… this is what fixes it… I want it, John… I want my friend back.” I hadn’t been paying attention to the sounds outside of the office, so when the door flew open behind me with the sound of a gasp.

‘I’m…. sorry… I didn’t know the room was occupied.’ #Abby stood with her gaze travelling from one face to the other. ‘Does this mean there is a truce once again?’ Her eyes and shoulders relaxing as she waited.  

•— John —•

Holding onto her was both the easiest and hardest thing I had ever done. I felt the front of my jumpsuit growing damp… and wanted to tell her not to cry. Everything would be okay… but I couldn’t know that. And if she needed to cry then why the hell shouldn’t she? I couldn’t deny the tears on my own cheek either. I rested my chin on the top of her head. Hoping that maybe she wouldn’t realise that teas rolled over my cheeks too.

“It’s okay, Stargazer.” I whispered… as though keeping my voice low would hide how it shook. “I won’t let it happen  again.” I meant it for both… the panic attack and losing faith in her… even if it had been involuntary at the time. But that was just one more reason not to let that weakness beat me again.

But like it was toying with me that pitch-black fear crept in the second she stepped  back. Like a shadow haunting me and waiting until I thought I had fortified myself against it; to strike and show me just how broken and undeserving I truly was.

But her slight form was back again and holding onto me sending the shadows running again. Then the shadows in the  room around us ran too. #AbgailGriffin stood in the doorway, and I didn’t know if I should curse her or kiss her… A few more moments of being locked in and embrace with Raven Reyes and I just might have done something exceedingly stupid.

I cleared my throat as best I could  and smiled. “A truce?” I looked at Raven convincingly confused. “Do you know what she’s talking about, Reyes?” I looked back to #Abby. “Was there a war? Am I so late with your rations you’re delirious with hunger?” I grabbed the bag and handed the doctor the little silver packet and one for #Jackson too.

•— Raven —•

With the back of my hand, I wiped my cheeks, the stream of tears may have been dried away. However, the puffy eyes, red nose and cheeks still gave me away. I really wished I wasn’t one of those people who showed their emotions for all to see, but at the same time. I know it was something that was a sign of strength. The not caring how others perceived me never mattered.

“Nope, no idea what you are talking about. There was no war, no white flags, no need to kick him.”

#Abby gave us both a telling look as her hand  reached out to take the rations which were owed to her.

‘Uhmm… you young ones think I don’t have eyes, just because the world is going to hell around us.’ She moved around us to go and sit behind the desk.

‘But as long as you are speaking. There’s nothing more I can hope for.’ I lifted my jacket off of her desk and then glanced out of the side of my eye at John.

‘Well? Are you both planning on taking the night shift here in the med bay?’ She waved her hand for us to leave.

“Before we go. Is there any news from the…. Clans? Luna and Octavia?  The Cryo? Are we ready to move?” She frowned leaning back in the chair, her gaze moving from John to me and then back again.

•— John —•

I brushed my finger along the back of the hand Raven hadn’t lifted the wiped away her tears. Letting her know I was still here… even though she probably didn’t want or need the gesture. But that didn’t take away from the fact that I meant it.

I chuckled at Abby and gave her a  subtle nod, hoping she’d realise everything was okay. Or on the way to okay, at least. I bit the inside of my lip when #Abby joked about taking a night shift… it stung, and I fought the urge to tell her I was more than willing. But I knew that was the bitter side of me rearing its ugly head again. I flicked my eyes to the side, to Raven’s side profile next to me… I twisted my wrist letting the back of my hand brush against hers. Bolstering myself to not let her down already… I took a breath and pressed my lips shut; letting the urge pass  by.

I turned to leave… moving slowly… waiting to see if Rey would follow. But her question stopped me in my tracks and I looked back at the doctor in earnest.

‘There will no… solo go…’ #Abby’s brows knit together.

“Sologonplei.” I offered her. “Single combat… it’s a grounder tradition. A fight to the death.” I couldn’t help the edge in my voice. I still couldn’t quell the feeling that no matter what way the fight went… #Luna’s life would be lost. Even if I was wrong and they let her live after she killed the red-blooded #Heda… She  would be forced into a lifelong role she never wanted.

‘Yes… They’ve agreed there will be no fight if Luna will nearly and pledge loyalty to Octavia.’ #Abby already had her hand raised to calm me before I said anything. I clenched my fists and winced in pain from the cuts on my palms from earlier. ‘Octavia hasn’t accepted the terms… yet. But she might not have a choice. Nobody needs to overreact until we hear #Luna’s opinion on the subject.’

I scoffed and pinched the bridge of my nose, taking deep breaths and trying to remind myself this  wasn’t all Abby’s fault before I said anything I might regret.

•— Raven —•

Twice, I felt John, gentle touch to the back of my hand twice. Things had been different between us for so long what it stilled me until I remembered how his touch used to calm the darkness in me on the Island. I pushed the thought back to unpack latter, right now my attention and eyes remained on the doctor.

“Luna will take no pledge of loyalty. None of are going to be made to take such a pledge of loyalty, so nor will Luna.” Holding my hand up to stop Abby before she could speak. “Luna went without thinking, without caring about the outcome to her own life with O called for help, that action in itself was witnesses by all those who were with Octavia at the time. They saw how Luna fought to save their lives and that in my eyes and in the eye of all who are here should be enough. Add to it the fact that she never wanted the so-called crown in the first place. That is all. We cannot make this work on the back of one woman… All those so-called grownups in the room, need to start learning the meaning of kindness and honour.”

#Abby’s eyes went to the door behind me, and I felt them before I saw them, turning around slowly I saw #Octavia, #Indra, and #Bellamy standing, but I didn’t care if they heard me, I hoped they did.

“Did you hear all of that, or do you need me to repeat it?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

‘I heard it all Rey, and I agree with you. However, you know the ways of the grounders.” She looked at #Indra.

“We are not on the ground, and this is not a place where we should be continuing with the ruled, they set on earth. I could have left them all to die.” Even saying it killed a fragment within me. “But we all risked our life to make the journeys to save those who wanted to come. If they wanted to come, they need to learn to find a middle ground.”

‘Dula op nou chich op Oso Heda… raun dise!’ (Do not speak to our Heda, in this way!) #Indra took a step forward, and I stood my ground.

‘Indra, NOU, hod op  em!’ (Indra, No, Stop it!) #Octavia placed a hand on her arm. ‘Rey is correct. Things need to be fair for all. It can’t be the rules of one people if we do not listen to all the voices.’

•— John —•

I was only a little shocked at Raven when she defended #Luna’s right to remain independent of the way the grounders ruled. I wouldn’t have doubted it before this… but up here… tension like this could destroy the entire ship. Our life raft.

She defended her with a passion that made me want to take her hand and squeeze it. But I resisted that impulse. She said it way better than I would have. If I hadn’t bitten my tongue I might have just offered colourful suggestions of where the council could shove their pledge. Raven’s was better.

Then she  turned on the Rouzblida Heda (Red-blooded Commander). Raven was back… my Raven was back… I only let that thought invade my mind for a moment. She was many things, but she would never be mine.

#Indra took a step towards Raven and I took a step forward in return. “Look… I’m sure #Luna will keep to her agreement of peace as she had with #Lexa. She won’t interfere with #Octavia’s rule and in return, Octavia can leave her be. She will take on duties like anyone else is expected to and pull her weight. But It's going to be #Luna’s choice… And the fight to the death needs to be entirely off the cards.”

‘Those terms won’t be acceptable to the grounders, Murphy and you know it. Flokru is gone… Luna is just one person now. But there will be no more conclaves. The time of the Flame has passed.’ Octavia’s hands were  turned out to us like she was trying to show us she was unarmed.

‘We can go round and round about this in circles… but you can’t discuss #Luna’s position when Luna isn’t here.’ #Abbly sounded frustrated. ‘There’s a meeting scheduled for after morning rations tomorrow.

John… Can you extend the invitation to #Luna?’

“Invitation?” I turned to #Abby, almost ready to laugh. We all knew it wasn’t an invitation. Glares were levied and sighs filled the room. “Fine… We’ll be there.”

‘John… you won’t be in the room. This discussion will be  about whether or not Flokru will join with Wonkru.’ Octavia almost sounded apologetic.

I laughed now and looked at Raven. “Okay then.” I squared my shoulders and placed myself in front of #OctaviaBlake. “Ai, Jon Mofi… badan kiln gon Flokru. Ai na teik badan raun gon lanik-de. Ai badan raun gon gaf in chilnes.” (I, John Murphy, swear loyalty to Flokru. I swear loyalty to the Sea. I swear to seek peace.) I didn’t shout, I wasn’t threatening in anyway. My voice was steady and even my heartbeat remained calm. I knew I could never live like Luna did, I knew that… But I would die for her right live her way.

Octavia took a step back and lifted a hand to stop an infuriated #Indra from advancing on me. ‘John…’ Octavia shook her head. ‘What the hell did you do?’ Her voice was dangerously quiet.

“As one of only  two surviving members of Flokru, I have a right to a seat at that table.” I dipped my chin in deference. “Heda.”

•— Raven —•

What had he done? John had gone and taken an oath to a clan that no longer existed but for their leader. And I wasn’t sure I knew how #Luna would feel about it when (yes when, not if) she heard about it.

This was one of those things I always told John about. The boy never learnt to think before acting. And he justified it by saying he wanted a seat around the table.

As the thought assembled my lips curled up into a smile. “This is brilliant!” The words slipped from my mouth and I didn’t stops them.

Without thinking I reached  out and took Johns hand squeezing it tightly.

“He is right, Luna no longer stands alone. Not that she was alone…. But in the rules which the grounders will understand. She now gets a seat at the table too.”

I knew she would hate it. #Luna despised the ways of these people, and to bet told she needed to sit with them and listen to their voices, would be tough. But it was better this way.

#Abby muttered something underneath her breath, pinching the bridge of her nose.

‘This boy is going to be the death of me.’ This time I made it out. ‘Tomorrow Murphy.’ #Octavia gritted her teeth. ‘We will address this all tomorrow.’ Turning on her heels, both #Indra and #Octavia left the med bay.

‘Well?’ #Abby had her arms crossed over her chest now. ‘Which one of you is going to tell #Luna?’

My free hand pointed  to John. “He is, it’s his bright idea.” Before she could tell us to get out. I tugged John out of the office.

“John… Murphy… What in the names of all the hells were you thinking? Damn you! I could kiss you! That was the best idea and I never thought of it myself!!” The moment we were in the corridor I hugged him so tight. “Why didn’t I think of it! But you’re still an idiot… and you’re really telling the zen master.”

•— John —•

I knew I had fucked up when Raven said 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘵! She was being sarcastic… right? I turned to look at her to try and decipher her expression.

Everything else happened so fast. Had I just put a target on my own back now too? Had I made things harder for  #Luna? Luna and #Raven were always telling me we were stronger together. Then again… when had 𝕀 ever made anyone stronger?

I was being dragged out into the hallway and my chest was getting tight again. No… no, no, no. This was not going to happen to me again. But then she was speaking… and was I having a hallucination on top of everything else? Did she just say…?

“Huh?” The sound was all that came out. Then she called me an idiot and I laughed. This wasn’t a short laugh, it just kept going. And going… and going, until I had to put my hand on the wall to keep myself from doubling over. The cuts on my palm stung at the contact, not painful really… but it caught my attention enough to get a hold of myself. I looked back at Raven. “#Octavia’s gonna kill me.” I said a little breathlessly. She’d said I had to tell  #Luna what I had done. “#Luna’s gonna kill me!” I dragged my hand through my hair. “You’re going to come with me when I tell her, right?” My pale blue gaze pleaded with her.

•— Raven —•

The smile on my lips grew tenfold as I stepped back to take him in. John Murphy didn’t laugh so openly often, but when he did... his face glowed, his eyes glinted, and the sound he made, it would warm any heart.

I couldn’t imagine never hearing this sound ever again in my life and here I had been a hour ago readying myself to say good bye to him for good. If that was what he wanted, I would have given it to him.

Tilting my head to the side, my brows pulled together as he gathered himself.

“Oh, trust me, once this news gets out. There will be a  line of people who will want to kill you.”

Taking the hand he had places on the cold wall, I turned it palm side up. Shocked at the injury I found. “What did you do to your hand? Why didn’t you tell me it was hurt when I squeezed it?”

Shaking my head “shit… does it hurt? Do we need to go bad into the med bay?” The barrage of questions under themselves one after the other.

“Of course, I will go with you to talk to Luna…” but as I said it I paused. “Well… I’m not sure if she would want me there… but I can wait outside for you…” Then I shook my head my eyes still on his hand. “But first we need to fix you up.”

•— John —•

I knew she was right, Clarke would be furious that I just put a thirteenth clan back on the table… I didn’t let myself stop and think about whether or not that made Skaikru or Flokru the thirteenth clan now. Of if there was a hierarchy between the first twelve; other than  which one had a ruling Heda.

My heart stopped when she took my hand. As in it actually stopped beating for a few seconds... or at least it felt like it did. “I’m okay, Raven… it's just a scratch.” I resisted the urge to close my fist… We were past hiding from each other.

At least, I really hoped that we were.. and I guess that started with the cuts on my palms. I shoved the other into my pocket and dropped the bullet she’d pressed back into my hand in the med bay, into it. Then I held up the other hand and uncurled my fingers showing the matching bandages on that one too.

“#Jackson already looked at them. When I… when it happened I guess into dug my fingers into my palms. It’s really not that bad. Just stings a little sometimes. But I swear that I didn’t mean to… I wasn’t trying to hurt myself.” I locked my gaze on hers. The fact she’d given that bullet back to me meant she was thinking about the time we spent in the bunker and maybe remembering how close I’d come to ending it. But I didn’t want her to think I was in that kind of dark place. Because I couldn’t protect her if  I was dead, or #Luna or #Emori. Those three women were all I cared about now.

“To be honest I had totally forgotten about it until just now… But look.” I fished out the bundle that #DocLite had given me, a fresh bandage and wipes to clean it. “#Jax said to keep it clean and  change the dressing in the morning. It’s all…” It was just then I realised I was reassuring her. That meant she was worried about me. If she was worried… she cared. My heart that was stopped moments ago pounded now.

“You don’t need to worry about me, Raven… Or…” I corrected myself. “At least, you don’t need to worry about these cuts, anyway… I’m not sure about everything else.”

I didn’t know what to say to her about #Luna not wanting to see her. That would never be true, she was family to Luna. She would always, always want to see her.

•— Raven —•

Why did it feel like I had just over stepped? That he didn’t want me to help or even know about the injuries he’d suffered?

Maybe the bridge we had broken still had some mending to do, because before John would have gone out of his way to milk anything to the furthest point for a little kind hearted sympathy.

I let his hand go, I didn’t know what had fully occurred. However, the picture #Jasper and #Emori has painted for me had been graphic enough to make my heartbreak with  angry at myself and my part in it all. “Okay. If Jax has looked you over and is fine with you looking after it yourself.” I took a step back.

The trauma he had  lived through, everything that’s arsehole #Jaha has done to him….. I pushed those thoughts out of the way for now.

“Give it time, maybe if this place…” My eyes wondered over the corridor. “…begins to feel like home. The everything else… it will… well… you know.”

Nodding my chin towards his hands again. “Just please take care of those. We can’t afford for an infection to settle in. It would be a shame if I have to cut your hands off.”

Okay, the last part was meant to be funny. However, there was an element of sarcasm and fact there too.

•— John —•

I wiggled my fingers when she let go of my hand… it felt a few degrees warmer than the rest of me. “I’m sure #Jackson will be keeping an eye on it… he’s making me see him three times a  week or…” Should I tell her? Would letting her know I was diagnosable crazy, be a deal breaker for her?

Even after #FinnCollins lost it and shot up a whole village, she still never gave up on him… But she had known him all her life. Loved him all her life, as friends… as more than friends… and I was pretty sure #Finn had never shot her either… I definitely couldn’t tell her my choices were this talk therapy stuff or forcible medication. She would find him and ring his neck for going back to the Ark Survival Method. “He… um… said a lot of things… to me, that I’m not totally sure I understand.”

I looked around as we walked to  the room I shared with #Emori and #Luna. “Home… maybe… I mean… you and #Luna says home is where your people are right?” I smiled. I was trying to see the upside to all of this, I was really trying. “My people are here… But…” That was the problem though… people that weren’t my people were everywhere too.

“You know what the hardest part is? Remember on the Ark…. You couldn’t turn a corner without passing a dozen people. Everywhere, all the time… too many people…” I shook my head. “I know we were only on the ground for a few  months but there was so much space… There were times when I walked and walked for days and never once encountered another person. It was shocking how fast I got used to that. There’s just…” I stepped aside as a group of people bustled passed us. “So many people. And I’m  not… I know for a long time I was a thorn in everyone's side… but I thought for a while there on the island that I was… useful. Up here… I don’t have a purpose anymore. It leaves too much time to think.”

•— Raven —•

He was doing it again, holding back when before he wouldn’t have when we spoke. Or at least it was how I recalled our conversations.

I took another few steps, then he kept going. Coming to a stop before I continued walking by his side. This was still for a moment I didn’t  want to say anything, just to listen, and allow him to say whatever was on his mind.

“If you don’t understand, ask him to explain it better. And ask again and again until you are sure you have a grasp of what is happening or being said.”

I kept up with his set pace down  the corridor, moving to the side as others passed us by, none of the men giving me eye contact. The women and the children smiling or nodding their heads.

“Who knew you actually heard and retained the impression from our words.” A little teasing in my voice. A small girl came running into me while playing with her brother. I lent down and caught her setting her on her feet.

“Kefa.” (Careful) I smiled rubbing her arms, she ran off playing again.

“I hear you, and I understand what you mean.” I did understand, “however at the same time I’d found ways to carve out time and places for myself on the Ark.”

My brows furrowed as I heard what he meant, and how this change would impact him. Had anyone listened and took his worries onboard? Most likely not.

“I’m sorry if you do not feel that you have the safety we had on the island. It was the only time we felt like someone wouldn’t kill us in our sleep.” I got that. “But I couldn’t leave people to die.” Stopping my arm reached out as more people rushed past us.

I turned to look at him. “If you want…” was I really going to offer  this to him, know how he disliked what I did.

“I could always do with a helping hand down in pits of the ship, it’s a big beast… and I know it’s not what you like doing…”

Shrugging my shoulders, I turned to walk again. “The offer is there, if not to work you can go there to hide and have some alone time whenever you like?”

•— John —•

I nodded, she was right… but something inside of me wanted to resist that, it felt like participating in the therapeutic process. I knew it was ridiculous, but everything in me screamed at me to resist it. “I will… I mean, if I have to sit with him three times a week I should  probably know why, right?” I laughed… I knew why. I was insane… but I suppose knowing to what degree was probably a good place to start.

A real smile slipped through when the child bumped Raven, even as one hand reached out ready to steady her if it had knocked her off  balance. “I was always by myself.” I admitted. “Even in a room full of the rest of the rejects… or with three bunkmates in the skybox. I was still alone, even surrounded by people.”

I watched the siblings playing. I remembered the boy, he had been in the med bay, but luckily, he was one of the first discharged. Seeing children was still a wonder to me. I had seen kids, of course, just not many… and I wasn’t sure I had ever seen a baby before and now; it was possible there could be a newborn on the ship in a matter of weeks. Depending on what  happened with the cryo plan.

“There are some upsides to more people though… sometimes.” I smiled… The kids disappeared around the corner.

Raven's words sank in; my eyes widened a little and I looked at her, trying not to look stunned. “Oh… Rey… No… You did the right thing. That's what we were doing on the island right? Trying to save as many people as possible… you did that. One person feeling better isn’t worth even a single life, never mind hundreds.”

Something stirred in my chest when she made her offer. “You want to work with me  again?” I teased her, feeling genuinely lighter and a little exhausted from the constant swinging of my mood. I felt like for the first time I was struggling to keep pace with her. “I’ll give you an extra set of hands anytime you want, Raven… But Alone… No thanks… Is it  too much to ask to not be alone all the time and not be surrounded by strangers all at once?” I knew it was… it even sounded ridiculous.

•— Raven —•

The smile on my lips brought on by the little girl faded away as John’s words began to reverberate in my mind.

“Wait..” frowning a little. “Three times a week?” He was seeing #Jax three times a week? Something prickled a memory or a thought. Stopping I placed a hand on his arm, having him face me. Looking back over my shoulder to wait for the space around us to become clear so that no one else over heard. Not because there was any shame in the question I was about to ask. But because it was private to him.

“Has Jax put you into therapy?”

As I asked the question it all began to fall into place. He was talking to #Jax, writing in a book, talking about the heartbreaking experience of being alone when you were surrounded by others. Telling me there were too many people onboard one moment, and the next saying he didn’t want to be alone. I’d seen these signs before.

Add to it the aftermath I witnessed with my own eyes in the cell. And the beach… the bunker on the island… the way I had seen him gazing  out into the sea… And then there had been the pain in those eyes of his, when he begged me to bring him up here with me…

Hells! What was wrong with me? Why had I missed all these signs?

“Please tell me… has he put you on meds?” The hand on his arm curled a little tighter. The old way of doing things hadn’t worked. It had just made people addicts, without the knowledge of what they were doing in the long run.

And what would happen to John when the drugs ran out. Because we all knew it was all going to run out at some point.

I didn’t want that for John. Not now, not ever. Hells I would find #Jax and punch his light out! What the hells… what was he thinking?

•— John —•

I nodded, looking around as the hallway began to clear… it was getting late, and most people wanted to be in their rooms or dorms with their families or clans; after whatever work detail they were assigned to was finished. “Yeah.” I admitted; it was easier than I expected… but I wasn’t sure that would apply to everyone… But this was Raven, and I wanted to tell her everything. I yanked the folded notebook out of the pocket of my jumpsuit. “Homework… talk sessions or whatever you want to call them…” The way her eyes darkened at the mention of  the medication… Like she was as terrified of the idea as I was. “He wanted to… but if I’m a good boy and do as I’m told… He said he won’t recommend it.”

I tilted my head; her posture had gone rigid. I recognised this; it was how she contained herself before she raged… not that her rages were particularly explosive. They were controlled, measured and scary as all hell when you were on the receiving end… and the worst part about it… she was always fucking right.

“Rey… it's fine… I’ll do the stupid diary. I’m doing the therapy…” I reached out and put my hand on her arm, keeping my voice down, just in case anyone else came along. “Whatever the hell is broken in my head. I’ll either fix it or figure out how to convince them I fixed it. Maybe this will even be a good thing… I actually…” I shuffled from  foot to foot. “Think it could be good… maybe… Not a lot of people ever wanted to take any kind of time to help me… I think #Jackson believes this will… maybe after a while, I’ll even get a full night's sleep and #Emori won’t be falling asleep during her breakfast.” I gave  a self-deprecating laugh. “I swear… I will not fall into that vicious cycle.” As I made the promise, I hoped with every shred of the sentiment I had left that it was one I could keep. I would do everything I could to make it happen.

She’d watched as she lost #Finn to whatever madness had taken his mind, and I know her love for him hadn’t been the same as it had on the Ark when he died. But I would never forget how she screamed that night, how even then… not knowing how I would eventually feel for this woman, it made me wish I had taken  his place like she wanted, I knew she still loved him. They had been like family. I wouldn’t make her watch that again… especially not after everything we had, just moments ago, put behind us.

“I won’t do anything that will take me away from you…” I waited too long before I added. “Or #Luna or #Emori. We’re family, right?”

•— Raven —•

Reaching up i place my hand on the one he held up with his notebook in it. “You keep that book close to you. This is private and no one has the right to see it.”

I didn’t want anyone using his inner thoughts as a weapon against him. We all had dark moments and feeling, which out of context could be interpreted in the wrong way.

“Therapy is what people call it. And it can help, it can really help if you don’t play around and really give it a shout.” My eyes darted toward the corridor which would lead down towards the Med Bay. Could I find #Jax in there?

“I don’t give a crap if you’re good or bad. Meds aren’t something anyone can push on you without your permission and consent.” Had no one on this ship learnt their lessons? My eyes were back on him. “No John, it’s not fine… not if you aren’t sure what to expect… I mean no one knows what will could out when they start this journey, however some understanding would help to gain your trust in the process.”

His hand came to rest on my arm, until which time I hadn’t noticed just how rigid I’d become.

“Crap…”

There were so many directions I could feel myself being pulled. #Luna, the ship, the clans… our future and survival, and John…

Placing a hand over his I squeezed. “Who on this ship isn’t broken, John? You at least have agreed to take the first step towards healing, I’m proud of you.”

My eyes prickled a little searching his, when I thought he had just said I was family. That the two other girls in his life and I were family? This was the first time he’s said that up here. That we all belonged.

“It doesn’t matter to us if you mess up. It doesn’t matter how you deal with it all. Just be careful, and honest with yourself. The rest w— huh… I will deal with.”

I had lost the right to say “we”, #Emori wasn’t a fan right now, and #Luna? I’d pushed her away.

•— John —•

I nodded. “I plan on it.” I said, tucking the book back into my pocket. “Jackson said it was up to me if I wanted it to be something I shared with him or something private… I guess we’ll see what happens when I start it.” I already knew I probably wasn’t going to share it…  mostly because I wasn’t expecting anything particularly poignant or worthwhile to spill from my head onto the pages.

#Jackson told me that if I cooperated and didn’t become a danger to myself or others he wouldn’t force the issue of medication, but if I told her that would  she think I was dangerous? Would it change everything we’d just resolved? I didn’t think so… but there was still a bite of fear that it could risk us.

“I won’t let that happen. I’ll do everything he asks. But… I know you say that we're all broken… So… why isn’t…” I stopped… how could I say this without sounding like a child? “Why am I the only one that can’t hide it like the rest?” I was far from the only one… but right now I felt like I had a huge target on my back and all my weak points had been exposed the everyone that witnessed what happened in that cell… and everyone that #MilesShaw would eventually blab it to.

But then she…. Did she really just say that? I made a sound of disbelief. The last time I heard those words was when #Abby said them to me after I handed her the meds for #Adria. And I don’t think I ever heard them before that. I had no idea what I was supposed to say to that. I was stunned into silence. Her eyes told me she meant it… the gold flashed through the darkness, and I hated that the darkness was my doing again.

“We…” I cleared my throat. “We should get to #Luna and #Emori before they hear my declaration from someone else.” Her hand was still on mine and I couldn’t bare to be the one to break the contact, so I didn’t.

•— Raven —•

My heart broke a little more in this moment I shared with John, I could see the anguish in those eyes. The sadness of what happened in the past and the uncertainty of what was yet to come.

We all felt it, sure we did. How could you not. But John…  “We will go find them.” I said finally. “However, we are going to make a stop. Come on Watcher.” Tugging his hand and him with it.

I started up the corridor and then took a startling turn into a door I knew would open up into a small cabin. It was unoccupied but it had a  small round funny shaped window to it.

“You just asked why you right. How others can deal with it all.” I took him up to the window before letting his hand go to point out.

“Do you see all those stars Watcher? From here you see them like a sea of light, but if you look closer, and really pay attention. You’ll see how some are brighter, some are smaller, some seem rounded, and others look like shards…”

The words dried up, giving the two of us time to really take the sight before us in. It was beautiful, the silence, giving your mind a chance to slow and to stop thinking.

“What I’m trying to say…” once I remembered why I brought him here. “We all deal with things in different ways, John. Some of us will have certain reactions to one thing, while others will not be moved at all. No two people are the same. So, don’t judge yourself based on what others do. Set your expectations based on your own personal experiences.”

•— John —•

Yet again I had my hand in hers and I was following her lead. It still startled me; how easy it was to step into an enclosed space with her and not instantly check my person for the most readily available weapon… even though all of mine were gone now. Save the knife I still  kept in my boot… but with her… I never felt the need to reach for it… or even shift my foot to assure myself it was still there.

My eyes turned up to the odd little window and I smiled. Not a single hint of the smouldering planet below us. I felt the absence of her hand  like her letting it go was akin to having mine dunked in ice water, and as she pointed out to the blue and white points of light, I found myself looking only at her.

When she stopped talking, I turned my gaze to the sea of light she had been watching, I let the silence spread  between us. Waiting until she was ready to continue.

I swallowed hard when she did, everything that she said made sense. But it only served to comfort the thoughts that 𝕤𝕙𝕖 didn’t see this thing that went wrong in my head as a weakness. She wouldn’t judge me for it… but she was wrong about everything else. It was a weakness, a vulnerability. Tears stung my eyes and I fought to keep them from falling.

With my gaze still fixed on the universe outside, I said. “But how will I judge myself if it happens again and I get someone killed? If we’re  in danger and I lose control like that, and you get hurt because of me… again.” My voice was tight as I tried to control the shake in it.

Fuck! So much for my resolve that I would never let it happen again.

“I never want to be any part of the reason that you or the others get hurt. Not even indirectly… this thing… is a liability.” I felt a tremble run through my jaw. “I’m a liability.” I took her hand and focused my eyes on it. “And I’m far too selfish to walk away from you even though it might be the only way to keep you safe. Something in my broken, shit show of a mind still thinks that we are stronger together… and everything else is telling me I’ll get us all killed if I don’t let go.”

Despite the fight I put up; a tear broke free. I swiped it away with my free hand and looked up to meet her eyes… Real stars reflected in them now. I squeezed her hand. “But I don’t want to let go. I never wanted that.” My voice was embarrassingly pinched now, I  couldn’t bring myself to care; it seemed like such a small concern in the scheme of things.

•— Raven —•

If our world wasn’t burning beneath us, I’d scream out that seeing John this lost and in excruciating discomfort shattered my world.

I didn’t pull away from his hold, if my friend needs my hand, I would give it to him, if he needed me to listen, I would hear him out, if he needed to scream or shout… I would let him. But John didn’t do anything but open his heart out to me. Before me, stood the boy I’d seen when we were on the island. Someone I thought I had lost forever.

“John…” My own voice broke while tears welled in my eyes,  witnessing this boy break in such a manner overwhelmed my heart.  Cupping his face with my free hand I bought him closer. Resting my forehead to his I watched him, not closing my eyes for a second.

“That’s when you need to believe in this dysfunctional family  of ours, to believe in Emori, and Luna.. in Jasper, Monty and Harper.., in Abby and Jax..” Reeling out the names I knew he had built a bond with over time. “They will catch you, watch you, protect you.” Biting on my lips as the first of my tears fell freely.

“I don’t want  you to let go, didn’t we say we were going to be there for one another? We are going to fight, and scream, and shout, but in the end, we will always be there when we need one another?”

My voice was a whisper, and I squeezed the hand he held onto. “You, John Murphy, are not a  liability. You had faith in me when I’d been one. And you showed me how when someone had trust in you, you can fight anything. So, now I need you to understand. I have your back. I will not leave you, so fight this thing…. However, not by yourself… We are with you… I am with you… Even if it means I need to sit up all night long  just so you can sleep.”

Wiping his cheek with my thumb I closed my eyes just breathing with him. Letting him know that I.. Raven Reyes, I wouldn’t fail him or our friendship again.

•— John —•

I had brought tears to her eyes again and I instantly felt the guilt that came with it. Did I really have any right to unload all of this onto her? I was losing my mind… but it didn’t compare to what had happened to her. The code had been stealing hers from her along with her  life.

It broke me that she excluded herself from the list of people she viewed as part of my family, and she did it with her hand on my face, my breath hitched a little and I had to fight to hear her over the raging urge to lean into that touch. “I’m not letting go.” I whispered. I knew I should, I knew it would be better for all of them, but I was going to do all of those things she was talking about to hold onto them. And hope I didn’t get them killed. I would catch them, watch them, protect them.

Her words sank in and again the tension in my chest and jaw started to ease, there was something about her that soothed all my rough edges. It wasn’t the feelings I had for her that resurfaced every time I tried to bury them. It came from Raven, this intrinsic ability to make me feel like maybe… just maybe  I could be whole again, with her help.

She brought me right back to that night when I almost disembowelled her… and her reaction was to sit with me while I finally got some sleep. I pulled her in for a hug… That was okay, right? She’d hugged me earlier… Hell!! I  wish I could make a decision without instantly questioning it. I wanted to tell her that I knew she had my back; because I did. But I could never seem to block out that voice that told me she was here out of pity or obligation, even though I knew it was bullshit. I had given  her every reason and every chance to cut me out of her life and she was still here.

“You were only ever a liability to yourself, Stargazer.” I whispered, my arms wrapping around her narrow frame easily. “Thank you… because I don’t think I can do this without you as part of that dysfunctional family that you are talking about… And if you’re going to sit up all night then you have to let me do the same.”

•— Raven —•

I filled him with more questions than answers, or at least this is how it felt to me. I couldn’t believe my tears had flowed so freely, not when I had meant to be his support while no one else could be. With my emotions taking control of me, I was sure John would feel the need to take care of me when it hadn’t been my attention at all.

“That’s not true and you know it, Watcher. You saw it all. Everything. Even when people wanted things to remain hidden. It’s why I gave you the name… remember…”

My arms slipped around his neck without any hesitation, this boy had been there to keep my upright in times when my darkness had threatened to consume me whole. So, right when my friend needed me. I would not pull away from him. Or, had he taken me into his arms because he felt I was the one who needed him to be strong and hold me together? Hells… This friendship think had come so easily to me with him before. Now I found myself questioning all my actions and discussion with him.

“I think that defeats the goals.” Resting my cheek on his shoulder, my eyes looked to the wall. “I need you to not hold back in any way, and sleep is the first step which is in your power. At least until with help you learn how to keep the shadows from taking over.” Uncertain if my words were of any benefit, I knew that I would want things to go unsaid in the fear.

I closed my eyes remaining still, letting him take the time he needed. Somewhere in one of #Becca’s fictional books I’d read a character say:

‘Never let go of a person when they hug you, if they came in for the connection, allow them to be the one to say when they were done.’  

•— John —•

“The things you couldn’t control weren’t your fault.” I whispered. “That would be like blaming a patient for being sick… you can’t deny that because… as you said, you gave me that nickname for a reason.” I knew she was thinking of the times she’d hurt me. “I would do it all again, I would not change a single thing that happened… even when I screwed up royally… because it was all a step on the road to you getting better.” If I could go back and change something, I wouldn’t… not even if it fixed the mistakes I regretted to the core of my being, because any change could alter the path and Raven could be gone.

She had put her arms around me so easily and it wasn’t like before… On the island we hadn’t hugged a lot… but she had always seemed to move towards me, not away like everyone else. And that was back. I remembered holding her after her violent awakening from her comas, trying to stop her from hurting herself. During her dark times trying to beat back the shadows and keep her from hurting anyone else, knowing how hard she’d punished herself. Holding her when she was  fitting… terrified she’d die in my arms, but even more afraid to let go so she wouldn’t die alone if it came to that. Those small touches that let her sleep at night just a little more peacefully.

Then there were the times when she did hug me.. when she’d squeeze my arm or my hand just before I did something stupid. Sometimes standing next to me, holding on in support of whatever stupid thing I was doing. Pulling me out of a room before my temper or my anxiety got the better of me. And so much more… More than I could let myself get lost in the  memories of right now.

But these hugs… these were different. Like we were propping each other up; like neither of us had the strength to stay upright but together… we could lean in and brace ourselves.

I laughed a little, my hand rubbing down her back, stopping midway. “No… a few hours each is better than where we are right now, isn’t it? Unless we sleep together… see how that works—” I stopped and pulled back enough to see her face… I had just kept talking because I hadn’t meant it how it sounded and it took a second to sink in. Shit!!

“Okay… that sounded way different in my head.” I gave a short laugh, hoping she’d brush it off as a slip of the tongue. I had watched #Luna and #Emori share the bed in our room, they always seemed contented. Comforted, by the presence near them. That was the picture on my  mind when those poorly chosen words slipped out.

“I promise… I’ll do this… I’ll… do whatever it takes to be better. To make sure they don’t try to medicate me.” I moved my hand up her back and to her forearms… “Okay, we need to get a hold of ourselves before we face  #Luna…” I took in the streaks on her face where tears had fallen… I was sure mine were the same. I wiped them away with a light brush of my fingers across her cheek “Or before we dehydrate ourselves with all these tears.”

•— Raven —•

His face when I finally saw it said a million and one things, all which I couldn’t fully understand or appreciate. However, the words he did say made my back stiffen and then I burst out in such high laughter.

It came from nowhere, unexpected, however much needed. My cheeks hurt a little by the time I could pull myself back together, stepping out of his personal space once he pulled himself at arm’s length to look at me.

“Oh. So let me get this straight. You’re willing to try anything to get better, just not sleeping with me? If I were any other girl, John Murphy. I’d take offence to that.” Punching him on the arm laughing again, before I wiped his face the way he did mine. “It’s a good thing I know you. And I know you’d never want to sleep with me like that.”

Shaking all the sudden, what had that been? A pang of emotion I pushed away. Shaking it off. I tugged on my ponytail, tightening it before nodding my head from side to side.

“As long as you fight for yourself, then the rest of us won’t be fighting against you.” Nodding towards the way we came. “Come on, I believe you’re ready, let’s face the music and see if the Zen Master is about to lose her crap on you.”

Stepping backwards still keeping him in my eye-line. “With all honesty, so you know where I will be if she wants to kick your arse. The sidelines. Watching, and learning, from her badarse moves.”

Trying to joke and lighten this mood before he felt it was too much for him to handle.

•— John —•

I laughed… probably far too hard… the entire time along this fucking crazy road to learning my feelings for her; I never once thought about anything getting to that stage. I had barely moved past wondering what it would be like if we could ever even be friends again. Those  kinds of fantasies… well that was it, wasn’t it? It would be a fantasy. She was never going to see me as anything other than a member of her dysfunctional family. Just being in her life was all I could ever ask for.

I could tell my slip had made her extremely  uncomfortable… I bit my tongue and shook it all off. She was here… she had let me back into her life. I knew how to be that guy… the one that made her laugh and distracted her from the discomfort she lived with every day.

“Well… hey now… Let’s not get too hasty  here…” I smirked, falling back into that friend mode that was still one hundred percent genuine, something I would never give up with her… not even in my wildest fantasy. “Five years is a long time, Stargazer.” I exaggerated the O. “You sure you can resist me for that long?”

I shook my hand at her and took her hand. “I have no idea what to expect… but good luck with the sidelines plan. I’m not above using you as a human shield… and I have two good legs… so the odds are in my favour.”

Before she could retort I tugged her from the room  at a reasonable pace for her, glancing back to make sure she was keeping up easily.

•— Raven —•

“Arsehole move, Watcher… Arse…. Hole…. Move!” Laughing, I punched him in his arm again as we started down the corridor. The laughter and teasing I’d missed, but more so it was the friendship. He and #Luna had made a place for themselves in my world, my family, and When I lost them from it. I felt hollow in my soul. However, now. Now I had them both back.

“Jokes aside, have you thought how we are going to tell her?” Pulling on our hands to bring John closer as a group of grounders came down the hall we’d just turned down. This part of the ship had come to life. There were whispered, the sounds of footsteps, young children playing and rushing. It was miles away from the ghost ship we had found.

“Personally, you know she’ll read it the second she sets eyes on your face. The girl had an uncanny way to read you. You really cannot keep anything from her.” It was #Luna’s eyes. She could see through anything, it didn’t matter the kind of wall your attempted to build, they all came crashing down when she stood before you. Half of the time, she wouldn’t even have to say a word. The look was enough.