jake arrives in a hurry, still out of breath from running up the stairs. he stares at all of them in disbelief and goes “how could you? this is treason. TREASON. i’m so disappointed in all of you, and you amy, what the hell? how could you forget your own husband?”

she’s about to apologize but jake keeps talking “doesn’t matter anyway, YOU’RE ALL GOING DOWN, especially you, wife”. he literally makes air quotes while saying “wife”.  

now amy is pissed and she’s got a threatening look on her face as she says “well, husband (she also uses air quotes), it was pointless to call you anyway, you being here is not going to make any difference since you’re about to lose. AGAIN.” jake yells back “YOU ARE SO ON”.

after the opening ceremony, they are on position for the first game. gina explains that, since the fridge was mysteriously cleaned the day before and all the disgusting food was thrown away, “The Mouthaton” will be replaced by “The Catfish”. rules are simple. the competitors must create a fake profile on a dating website and start talking to people. first person to get an unsolicited dick picture wins, the last is eliminated. you can’t flirt, you can’t ask for the picture and you can’t reveal your real identity.

hitchcock gets it first. everyone looks at him questioningly and he’s just like “what? i know exactly what those guys are looking for, if you know what i mean.” they are all disgusted. then he just gets up and goes…somewhere else. no one questions that.

scully is the second one to get it. no one buys it at first and asks him to prove it, so scully says “it’s serious, guys. look, hitchcock  went to the bathroom and sent me a picture of his…” he didn’t get to finish his sentence bc everyone is yelling “EWWWWWWW” and “NOOOOOOOOO” and running in the opposite direction of the phone he’s holding.  

amy’s next, immediately followed by jake and charles. everyone looks at rosa, who is still typing away on her phone. turns out she started talking to a girl and is actually getting into it. 

she’s the first one out.

game number two starts, it’s the traditional “Bulky Bulky Run Run” better known as the bomb suit foot race.

amy and jake keep pushing and grabbing on each other’s suit to get the other out of the away so charles manages to take the lead.

just like every single year, hitchcock falls down the stairs. scully tries to grab him by his legs but hitchcock’s weight manages to pull scully down with him. they’re both out and in need of medical attention.

(it was briefly discussed whether or not to eliminate scully after the first game, but no one volunteered to check the picture he got so they just let him keep playing)

 third game is the infamous “Keep Your Cover”. as usual, the contestants have to craft an undercover persona and talk to as many police officers as they can without being found out.

amy goes first. she’s dressed like an old lady and she rocks it. her strategy is to start talking to people about how millennials are the worst and how kids these days are ruining the world because they are glued to their phones. people try to get away from her as fast as they can’t without making eye contact. she manages to get through nine people

(she blows it when she starts talking about her love for latin and how it should be a requirement at public schools  – everyone and their mothers know that could only be amy).

jake’s up next. he is dressed like an italian mob boss who’s a complete douchebag. when he’s talking to his third officer about “hot chicks”, the guy tells him about a sexy latina sergeant who’s super bossy, claiming that “it could be kinda hot in bed”.

jake dramatically takes off his sunglasses (which he was wearing indoors, to add to the character), and yells “THAT’S MY WIFE”. (yes, you’re absolutely supposed to read that in john mulaney’s voice).

he realizes he blew his cover and storms off, whispering to himself that it’s not “kind of hot”, it’s super hot.  he’s almost sure he lost, but charles comes to save the day.  

charles dresses as buddy valastro. yes. the cake boss. he literally doesn’t make it past one person.

and once again, it’s jake versus amy in the final game which consists of the obstacle course.  

first they gotta make it past the barricade hurdles in the corridor and, as usual, amy gets a head start, but jake is not too far behind.

next up they have to get a snack from the vending machine using a bean bag gun.

amy gets a snack first, but unfortunately it’s a bag of doritos. she takes forever to eat them and jake’s lucky because he got a granola bar and even though he makes a gagging sound the whole time, he manages to swallow the whole thing. 

jake runs to the stairs to go the floor below and get a pamphlet about cyberbullying and amy finally catches up.

they go back upstairs together, trying to bump on the other the whole time.

LASTLY, they’ve got to print a selfie captain holt accidentally took and also accidentally sent to everyone in his contact list using the worst notebooks of the precinct.

amy’s request goes through first, but when she goes to the printer, there’s nothing there. that’s when gina yells: “SURPRISE TWIST: THE COMPUTERS ARE CONNECTED TO THAT OLD ASS PRINTER IN THE STORAGE ROOM DOWNSTAIRS”

jake immediately gets up from his chair, knocking down both the chair and the table, and sprints to the elevator. amy gets in two seconds after him.

while they are waiting, amy starts teasing: “so, are you ready to lose like last time?” jake laughs. “amy, darling, i had to let you win last time. that’s not happening today.” that throws amy off and she takes one second too long to notice the doors opened and jake is already running.

jake gets to the storage room first, locates the printer and runs to grab the freshly printed picture laying on the tray.  

when amy comes in, jake is grinning, waving around the paper in his hands and imitating amy’s victory dance. “who’s the loser now, wifey? huh? no come backs?”

amy’s panting a bit and she’s got her hands on her knees but she manages to answer: “yeah, babe. did you get a good look at that picture you’re holding?”

jake freezes and his face falls. he slowly moves his eyes to the paper and his first thought when captain holt’s face is not what he’s seeing is “oh, fuck”. he’s about to rip it into pieces and throw it away when something catches his eye. no, it was definitely not holt’s face on that piece of paper. it was his wife’s. for a second, he thinks it’s just amy’s way of making fun of him while she gets the right photo but then he notices something else. she’s holding a sign. a sign that says: “Congrats, Daddy. You win” in perfect calligraphy.

it takes a couple of minutes until jake tears his eyes away from the picture and looks up at amy. his hands are shaking so badly and he opens and closes his mouth several times, but nothing comes out.

amy’s just looking at him smiling and her eyes are already watering. she can read on his face that he’s begging her for something to confirm what he’s thinking, to tell him that yes, it’s happening and it’s real. she nods slightly. and he starts crying.

she goes to him and hugs him and he holds onto her so tightly, amy can feel him all around her. after a few minutes, when jake’s breath has calmed down a bit, he pulls back and grabs her face with both of his hands while hers rest on his chest. “you’re pregnant?”, she can see he’s still in disbelief so amy just presses her forehead against his and whispers “yes, jake. you’re going to be a father”.  

he opens the widest smile she’s ever seen and says “oh, my god. i love you so so so much” before pulling amy close again, about to kiss the hell out of her, but amy stops him.

“wait a second. that thing you said in the elevator, about letting me win last time. that’s not true, right?”