#ofts meta

Okay, but Jojo's take-down on twitter of the person criticizing Thai BLs' gay representation because of their inclusion of sexuality + the fact that it's Only Friends one year anniversary is getting to me! Because, for Jojo and his team, the issue of sexuality in BL is at the very core of Only Friends!!! That's what the antagonism between Mew and Boston is all about!!!

Mew at the start is the very SYMBOL of BL history and tropes that the twitter commenter is admiring. He's pure and chaste, and he has the glasses to prove it. He loves romance books because they're about love that's deeper than sex. He's in for the long game, and doesn't want to waste his virginity on anything less than lifelong perfection and the happiest ending.

Meanwhile, Boston is the paragon of queer media's history. Just pure 'no day but today' immediate sensual experience and satisfaction. To show off that he knows his queer history, he's got his film photography dark room to develop all his artistic nudes, a regular Robert Mapplethorpe. If that's not anti-establishment queer enough, anyone in a relationship inspires Boston's lustful antagonism because that would mean they think that life should be deeper than the surface, and that's a sin against Boston's aestheticism. Beauty for beauty's sake only; sex for sex's sake--nothing deeper nor longer-lasting. A love story is a worst-case scenario.

But then Top and Nick come along and mess up Boston and Mew's perfectly amiable division. We should've seen it coming. The very title of the show tells us this is a show about inclusion and exclusion, who's in and who's out--in coupling and in friend circles. There's that random crown in the title sequence; this is a show of parliamentary political jostling of parties to claim power. The little motif of Boeing and his plane trinket sprinkled across the entirety of the series before his introduction in the last two episodes, hints about the coup that finally comes to send someone out.

Boston's name should have given it away that he couldn't stay, but that name's also his saving grace, a sign that maybe that beautiful slut actually escaped the prison of Thai BL branded partnerships. Boston, after all, is the kind of marriage that lesbian women practiced prior to any licensed gay marriage. The Bostonians is also the name of the novel by Henry James, an author whose queerness is the type that historians find it hard to put a finger on, for which Boston marriages are named. And The Bostonians was adapted by the non-monogamous gay film-making couple Merchant & Ivory (the team that brought, among other acclaimed films, brought the queer story of Maurice to the screen, whose protagonist gets his happy-ending by running away).

Yes, Boston was slimy and slippery, but he had a need to escape definitions that Mew, who grew up inside his own BL bubble with his supportive lesbian moms, never had. Boston's dad was a politician who wanted improvement for his country, according to his campaign poster, and was someone the youth could be into, according to his son (and for all his faults, Boston was never much for lying). Although he didn't know about what happened regarding the gender of people deeper beneath Boston's sheets, this dad accepted his son for his promiscuity and passion for the arts, in other words, for who his son was. Still, the political aspect limited who Boston could document himself as in Thailand (and Boston's 1998 t-shirt when we first meet his father speaks to political connections about the complicated emergence of Thailand's democratic state and the first democratically elected prime minister to serve a full-term who similarly went into exile). So Boston focuses on the feelings and experiences of queerness he can garner because naming it isn't something that's promised or even preferable for him.

In someone with digital savvy like Nick, Boston discovers the potential for the appreciation of discretion, someone who can help him integrate his love for fleeting moments with more long-term connection. (You know, how the internet transformed photographs into tools for social connection rather than just for private albums or high art?) Yet even Nick's digital tastes, boundary-crossing as they might be, can't find comfort beyond monogamy. Boston can't find happiness for his boundless sexuality within the confines of the Thai BL's settings.

Mew, our sweet BL cinnamon bun, would've been Boston's complete opposite if he hadn't have been persuaded to have his visual and emotional impairment corrected by the realities of queerness Boston introduced him to (a fantastic subversion of the BL boy no longer needing their glasses). Instead, Mew has to contend with feelings for a real gay man who has a sexual past, lust, and fucked up habits from a life that hasn't been perfect. Even then, Top's still a pretty classic romantic alpha-male romcom interest. But Only Friends, having removed Mew's literal and figurative blinders, let's him process that as well as any real-life, self-righteous, purity-ring wearing princess would. Mew as Harley Quinn is just short of digging his keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, and he is reveling in using his bff Ray's crush on him to get revenge. The fluffy BL castle on a cloud comes tumbling down when it encounters actual queerness.

But Only Friends lives in a BL world. The branded pairs must remain the branded pairs, and Boston, despite his conniving gaze, always seemed more confused by the politicking than everyone else at club YOLO, anyways. Every character and every actor has played their roles to their purpose, giving us three theories of love and their allowance within a BL. Topmew's tenuous romcom energy persists by force, Sandray's addictive and codependent romance with all its desperate struggles and tears will remain (though everyone's concerned its unhealthy), and Bostonnick's queer tendencies, with their carnal, discrete, and digital predilections, must be banished by the final scene. But they haunt the Only Friends hostel (or should we say hostile) even when they're not there. They're the people behind the lens and behind the screen that frame everything. They are the queer urges that both make possible and, as another man walks into the room--in that undeniably provocative form of Mix Sahaphap--threaten the gay happy ending.

When I say Only Friends is one of my favorite series, it's because I think this commentary of BL is the story it was telling from the beginning, and Jojo's twitter rant just affirmed that for me. I see Aof Noppharnach as the romantic optimist of Thai BL queer possibilities. He saw how they could be utilized to tell utopic queer stories. His friend and collaborator Jojo is not cynical but his works often serve to question and prod the genre about its extents and limits. Only Friends performs this prosecution through Shakespearean tragedy ala Julius Caesar, and the contentious reactions of fans stands as a testament to its interrogation about queer sexuality's acceptability within the BL realm.

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With the last few series I've watched or partly watched on GMMTV, it would seem there is a new trope. I'm not certain it's a new trope, but I searched @absolutebl for trope posts for at least half an hour and didn't find it, so I don't think I'm totally off about this.

I'm calling it emotional punching bag. Instead of seme/uke representing chaser/chased, it represents emotional aggressor/victim.

The general pattern is this:

Character A gets angry at character B over a real or imagined slight.

A claims to be the victim.

A is unaware (or pretends to be) of any contribution A made to this issue.

B apologizes, whether or not B contributed to the problem.

A never apologizes and never acknowledges their part in the problem.

The problem gets papered over (if they get back together) or never gets resolved (if they don't).

I think it started with Only Friends. Boston (B) gets set up by Atom (A) and is made to be the villian. The truth is revealed. Boston apologizes for his other behavior in the series but nobody apologizes to Boston for him having been set up. Never gets resolved.

Then there's Last Twilight. Mork (B) tries to engage in self-care and Day (A) makes it all about Day and breaks up with Mork. The problem gets papered over when, plot hole, Day wanders through a hotel lobby without the cane he got so he could be more independent and which we never see again, and Mork steps in and helps him, and then they get together and Day gets his eyesight back at the same time with no real narrative resolution. Mork gets back together with Day.

And now we have 23.5. Sun (A) outs Ongsa (B) to Ongsa's parents. Ongsa objects. Sun storms off. Ongsa seeks out Sun and apologizes. Sun breaks up with Ongsa. Ongsa again seeks out Sun and apologizes.

At this point (partway through episode 11, segment 2) I paused the series. I have not intention of going back unless I get word from you Tumblerites that Sun acknowledges her role in all the trouble and apologizes to Ongsa. If they get back together without Sun doing the emotional and reparation work I want no part of it.

And I'm worried. Do I need to wait and binge the rest of Wandee Goodday, which I, as of two episodes, absolutely adore? And this is a boxing series. Is Wandee going to become a literal punching bag?

Do I need to never watch another GMMTV QL series week by week again? Do I have to wait for an all-clear and then binge?

He sees a feral cat in Boston and he’s like you know the way you fuck and suck is so cool I like it so much and instantly this man is like if you so much as make an unhappy noise I will fight the world you are my number one my cutie baby pie.

He sees a man who’s just broken up and getting back into the dating scene and self conscious about getting older and he’s like you know what you are you are a daddy the sexiest older queer archetype and you are MY daddy and this man is like please take me on trips I will kiss you I will give you job you are the best

He sees lonely queer boy in Sand and he’s like are you a lonely queer boy??? Holy shit so am I??? let’s kiss about it and then THEY DO and then he gets cuddles. Like if you for a second think that Sand would have picked Ray over Nick that night had Nick not wanted Ray to sleep with them you are kidding yourself. If Nick had expressed even the slightest bit of dissatisfaction with that situation rays ass would be OUT ON THE GRASS.

...actually explain it because I see people catching his homage's to Western queer media, but not really his shout outs to Eastern queer media.

I assumed there would be allusions to Happy Together when I first saw the trailer, but this last episode centered around Ray really cemented it for me. After all, why would P'Jojo reference all these Western queer shows and not talk about what is probably the most iconic piece of Eastern queer media ever?

Wong Kar-Wai & Happy Together

For some background information, Wong Kar-Wai is a famous and insanely influential Hong Kong filmmaker. If you're a film nerd, you probably know who he is and recognize his style. If you like film and metas, I would recommend watching some of his stuff because afterwards, you'll realize just how much influence he still has on modern media, especially in Asia. Stylistically, he's known for rich color grading; thematic usage of music; an unending sense of nostalgia, heartbreak, and missed opportunities; and dialogue that mean nothing on the surface because everything meaningful is boiling just under, left unsaid (If you've watched Everything Everywhere, All At Once, the entire actress universe sequence was an homage to Wong Kar-Wai). His actors always do a phenomenal job because so much of what they need to portray can't be communicated through words. It makes sense why SandRay, aka FirstKhao, were chosen to represent Happy Together as they are the strongest actors out of the group.

Happy Together, simply summarized, is about two men, Ho Po-Wing and Lai Yiu-Fai, who are in a very tumultuous relationship. They end up in Argentina because they wanted to visit the waterfall that's on a lamp that they own. They get lost, end up using all their money, and have to figure out a way to get back to Hong Kong. While there, they break up, get back together, and break up again.

The movie was released in 1997 and is still ranked as one of the best queer movies of all time. The two main characters are played by Tony Leung and Leslie Cheung. You might recognize Tony Leung as Simu Liu's dad in Shang-Chi. Leslie Cheung was in Farewell, My Concubine, and was famously a bisexual man with a long term male partner. This is significant because it was virtually unheard of to be out and open at that time (he made his relationship public in 1997 though he had mentioned bisexuality in earlier years), especially in Hong Kong which was, and still is, very homophobic. Leslie received a lot of hate for his sexuality and androgyny. (If you're interested in learning more about Leslie as a queer Asian figure, this is a good video essay that goes over his work and his life).

Sand as Lai Yiu-Fai

Fai's, and in turn Sand's, character can be summed up by one line, "One thing I never told Ho Po-Wing was that I didn't want him to recover so fast. Those were our happiest days."

Both Fai and Sand are very static, straightforward characters. They stay above board for the most part and work a variety of jobs to survive. They have their morals about what is right and wrong, which unfortunately is both of their downfalls.

In Happy Together, Wing breaks up with Fai because he is bored with the relationship. He basically says, "I'm bored being with you. Let's break up. If we happen to meet again, we can try again." Then he leaves Fai stranded on the side of a highway.

Later, he reappears in Fai's life. The first encounter is a fight, much like Sand and Ray's first meeting in the bathroom. The second encounter is because Wing gets beaten up. He goes to Fai because he knows Fai will feel obligated to take care of him and he does. It becomes the beginning of their rekindled relationship.

Similarly, Sand has a strong sense of obligation. There are already metas out there about how Sand has a bit of a hero complex. He sees Ray too drunk to drive and he had to step in. He doesn't just take the keys and order a taxi. No, he takes the keys and drives Ray. Sand sees Ray being all sad and pathetic and he can't stop himself from helping. It makes him feel useful. It makes him feel needed.

Both of these men are caretakers. They show affection by providing care. Sand ends up cooking for Ray just as Fai cooks for Wing even when he's sick. As an added bonus, they both make fried rice.

Both Sand and Fai are characters that stand completely still. Ray and Wing always know where to find them. Sand can always be found at YOLO and Fai is at his apartment. Because of this, Ray and Wing come and go as they please. They know that Sand and Fai will take them back...until they finally don't.

Ray as Ho Po-Wing

Starting on a base level, both characters are bratty, needy, promiscuous, spoiled, and selfish. But most importantly, they both share a love of fluffy cardigans.

(I also have a theory they keep putting Ray in wife beaters as an homage to the 90's HK cinema style because otherwise...I just don't understand why, as a rich asshole, he's always in wife beaters. By Thai BL logic, he should be in shirts with too many buttons unbuttoned.)

Wing and Ray are both the ones controlling the pace and direction of the relationship. They come when they need someone to nurture their wounds, both physically and metaphorically. They leave when they're bored or have things they deem more important. They both initiate intimacy and won't take no for an answer.

Wing does this by first trying to join Fai on the couch and then chasing after him to the bed and begging him to let them sleep together.

Ray does it by continuously getting Sand to get in the car with him and then using his puppy dog eyes.

They are both also very, very pouty.

Wing's line is "We could start over". He says it every time he comes back after he's the one that ends the relationship. Fai always fights taking him back, but he always does it anyway.

Ray doesn't really have a line yet (unless you count his "na na naa~"s) but he bats his eyelashes and so far Sand has given into him every time. Sand keeps trying to set boundaries, but the moment Ray begs a little bit, Sand crumbles like a house of cards and lets Ray have whatever he wants.

Relationship Parallels

Wong Kar-Wai is known for making movies about star crossed lovers who are meant for each other, but aren't meant to be together.

Like Wing and Fai, Sand and Ray fill in each other's cracks in a way that complements each other. However, because of the nature of the cracks themselves, them complementing each other is exactly what makes the relationship so toxic. One stays and one goes. One takes and one gives. One is steady and one is flighty.

Most of what I wanted to say about the parallels between their relationships is in the character comparison. What I'm more interested in is the future of SandRay's relationship, especially if they continue to parallel Wing and Fai's in Happy Together.

Obviously, Wing and Fai don't end up together at the end. It wouldn't be a Wong Kar-Wai movie if they did. What is interesting is that Fai's relationship with Wing eventually pushes him into becoming something angry and spiteful. Once Wing heals, Fai knows that he'll become bored and want to leave. In an attempt to get him to stay, he steals and hides Wing's passport which is insane because they are both gay men stuck in a foreign country where they don't speak the language.

Wing, of course, leaves anyway.

There is also a third character, Chang, whom Fai ended up liking. These new feelings are what eventually pushes Fai to leave Argentina and move on from Wing and move on with his life.

The question is, if SandRay follows that same path as Happy Together, what will be the passport that Sand tries to hold over Ray and who will be Sand's Chang?

Stylistic Parallels

Smoking

Making Ray and Sand smoke is definitely an homage to Happy Together with the added bonus of being a metaphor. For the most part, we rarely see characters, especially main characters, smoke in Asian media because smoking is reserved for 'bad' characters.

Cigarettes in Happy Together represent boredom. Fai and Wing smoke at the beginning before they rekindle their relationship because they are just moving through life. Once Fai and Wing get back together, cigarettes stop making an appearance. It isn't until their relationship started deteriorating that we see the men smoking again.

This can also be said about Sand Ray's relationship. They started their 'involvement' with cigarettes. However, the last time we actually see them smoking is in ep 2 right before they hook-up. Since then, we have not seen either of them smoking. This probably means that we'll see one or both of them smoking again when their relationship starts to break down.

(In the preview for ep 5, there is an ashtray in the background on the balcony so let's see if Boston finding out about them is a catalyst for them to start breaking down.)

And of course, there is the added homoeroticism of asking for a light.

Ray's Opening and Closing Scenes

Ray's episode is really what made me go "I see you P'Jojo".

Ray's episode starts with a shot of him isolated and in emotional pain. The camera is claustrophobically close and it keeps moving around. He has a little voiceover opening. It's calm, it's contemplative, it's a little existential, and it is irrevocably sad. If that is not a Wong Kar-Wai staple, then idk what is. Even the song that starts playing gives me 80s, 90s Cantopop vibes.

Ray talks about how Mew being his emergency contact and the one he goes to. Fai talks about how Wing always comes back to him and says "Let's start over".

The movie and the episode ends with both of them once again isolated, alone. They've been through an emotional journey and they've technically moved on. But there's always the idea of not being able to fully let go in Wong Kar-Wai's movie. So just like how Fai has physically removed himself from Wing, but not emotionally, has Ray actually fully removed himself from Mew?

Cinematography

Then there's just a collection of scenes that reminded me very heavily of Happy Together and Wong Kar-Wai's style. I would have added pictures from his other movies for comparison, but Tumblr only lets me put 30 images in a post and I don't want to make a 2nd post.

This scene is specifically from the 1st trailer so I hope they keep it in the show.

This one I call the inevitability of falling. Both Sand and Fai realize they're fully committed to their decision to take care of Ray and Wing here.

The end title card

Actually, all of the end title cards give very Wong Kar-Wai vibes. Look at that saturated, neon color grading. Look at the elongated shots. The intense feeling of isolation.

I'm assuming we'll get all the characters at one point, but so far it looks like the end credit cards indicate who the narrator of each episode is.

Mew asks if he's an asshole for not forgiving Boston and Top just gives him a big speech about how it's totally his choice who he keeps in his life because, obviously, Mew is making the right choice.

No one ever apologizes to Boston unprompted except Nick and, in fact, almost no one ever apologizes to him at all.

Because he isn't monogamous, because he's honest, because he's an asshole just like all of them, but he owns that part of himself different than they do and so they must reject him and leave him alone in the end.

Was Boston as ass at points? Yes. But so was literally everyone else.

But only Boston has to pay the price because Boston isn't monogamous and so he doesn't deserve the same happy ending everyone else gets. Because if you're not made for monogamy then you don't get to be happy. You get left alone by everyone, all your friends and all your lovers, no matter how honest and how much you try and what you say.

The crime of being non monogamous earns you no forgiveness and leave you alone.

Boston was ostracized, isolated and berated to the point that it completely shattered his sense of self. He went from this

To this

This is where the show left him -- alone, dejected, and questioning every single part of identity. And I am raging mad about this.

Cause oh we need to have this conversation

Disclaimer: I am not a professional, and I won’t pretend to be. This is based on my personal experience as someone who is/was in several relationships with people who struggle from different forms of addiction. I want to clarify that I do understand all characters and while I’m going to critique them I do not blame them. The very important thing to remember is that it's a very complicated topic and there is no clear right answer to it. Let's keep in mind that any conversation about any difficult topic is always mostly one-sided and it's impossible to talk about everything once. This is about addiction and only about it, but all characters are way more then that one topic. Are we good now? Let's go.

So, let’s talk about Ray’s addiction and how people in his life are failing to handle it. 

The most important thing to remember is: addiction is a disease. By definition of most medical associations all over the world. Addiction is not a personal choice. And while it doesn’t excuse Ray’s behaviour throughout the show, it explains it. And this is a big difference. Ray as a character is much more than just his addiction, absolutely. But his addiction is a huge part of who he is and how he behaves and we need to constantly remember about it.

This conversation begins every week after every episode. Most people who seem to understand the complexity of his situation are also people who have a lot of sympathy and understanding towards him, and this is great. There are also a lot of people who feel towards him mostly annoyance and desire for him to stop without understanding why he can't - and this list starts from characters in the show. It’s, again, understandable. It’s also the worst thing you can do towards someone who struggles from addiction. 

So let’s start from Ray’s friend group and we’ll go from the least harmful to most harmful characters’ behaviour.

Boston. Yeah, shockingly, I know. But the fact is - Boston actually has the best-ish (from the worst so it’s not a high ground here) approach towards Ray’s addiction. And why? Well, cause he doesn’t give a fuck and doesn’t pretend to do. Boston is way far from the good support system Ray actually needs but at least he never judges Ray for his habits. He won’t help him, sure, but he won’t damage him harder (well, he is, but on a different topic).

We don’t actually know a lot about this friend group dynamic outside of their current drama and one episode happened two years ago. But we kind of can assume (cause Mew said it twice - in episodes 1 and 6) that Boston at least on some level was periodically responsible for taking Ray home. Which is really weird for me, by the way, cause both times Mew said Boston will take care of him Boston was also drinking. Not on Ray’s level, but still not in a shape to drive. But whatever. 

Don’t get me wrong, Boston is a shitty friend. He’s the one called Ray a burden in episode 1 which led to Ray rushing out.

And he intentionally targets Ray more than once towards the show about Mew, which is absolutely harmful and not helpful (can we talk about the weird obsession Boston has about Ray and Mew having sex? Like dude relax, nobody cares. Well, Top does).

He is absolutely not someone you want to have in your support system while trying to heal (not if Ray’s trying but we’ll get to that in part 2). But at least he is honest about not wanting to handle an addict. And the truth is: no one in this friends group wants to. And it’s fine, actually, more on that in a minute. But oh the level of hypocrisy the other two have.

Cheum. So, I truly don’t understand what the show is trying to tell us with this one. It’s either a clear critique on the hypocrisy people tend to have towards addicts or an attempt to show how addiction ruins not only people with it but also their surroundings. And if it’s the second one then I have a problem with how it’s shown.

There is a gold rule of cinema: show, don’t tell. We are told more than once that Cheum and Mew were actively trying to stop Ray. But what we’re actually shown is way different. The thing is, they are college kids. They drink a lot. They party a lot. And if we see this group all together they are either in university or drinking (except for the iconic pool scene). And specifically Cheum seems to get drunk pretty often. So while we’re told they tried to help Ray we’re shown only how they actually (unintentionally!!) support his behaviour or ignore it. And what should I think?

I think that they missed the point when Ray’s habits became an actual addiction. And I understand why - it’s a very easy thing to miss. I think that before his suicide attempt they did’t notice his mental struggles. I think after that they were shocked and scared and they didn’t know how to handle it so they chose to ignore it. This is a very common reaction and it’s understandable. 

The very important moment to remember is they don’t owe Ray anything. They can choose to help him and support him or not to deal with it. Handling an addiction is so hard and frustrating and exhausting for every participant. And if they choose to not get themselves into it - it’s normal. It doesn’t make them bad people, as choosing to help doesn't make somebody a better person. It’s a choice and every choice matters.

But if you make this choice - be true to it. Don’t play the “I tried to help you but you don’t want it so it’s on you” card. People with addiction didn’t choose to be that way. But people in their lives? They have an actual choice. No one will judge you if it’s not for you (at least normal people won’t). It’s honestly way better than staying only to constantly remind an addict how bad he is - he knows it already.

The thing I have to say to Cheum is - go away. It’s harsh, but it needs to be said. Don’t lie to yourself or Ray. Tell him (in very careful way) that you are tired, that you can’t handle it, that he needs help you can’t provide. Or stay, but do your research and prepare yourself to long hard work. But don’t continue to constantly drink with him to then be surprised why he can’t get better. Cheum is absolutely not responsible for Ray's actions. But she is responsible for hers. 

The one time I was almost agree with her was that scene.

Because bringing drugs was a very fucked up thing to do - Ray puts at risk not only himself but the whole group and he deserves to be called out on that. But. She continues to put all the blame on Ray - the thing she does the whole episode and it’s just frustrating as hell -  forgetting about Mew. Mew, who actually has a lot of responsibility in that situation.

Mew. Well, he does the worst thing you can imagine to do with a person like Ray. I get it, he’s hurt, I totally understand why he does what he does. I don't think he intends to hurt Ray. But.

Mew forgets a critically important thing here - can you guess which one? - right, that Ray is an addict. Mew can do all this stuff and be fine afterwards. It is always a risk that he won’t, of course, but his superiority complex tells him he’ll be fine. And I also think so - I mean, he's a young adult, he can try partying and drinking and drugs and be totally okay after.

He can turn back. Ray can’t.

Mew did help Ray in his worst moment that one time two years ago, and it is worth remembering. And after that Mew tried his best to distance himself from Ray’s struggles - again, understandable. He was trying to talk with Ray and while it was really bad - I still give him the benefit of a doubt. He is young, he’s not a specialist, he didn’t do any research and he thinks it might work.

But a moment he decides to let loose he turns to Ray for help. Because Ray will never judge him - both cause his idolisation and cause it’s not his place to judge, he does all this stuff himself. And this is absolutely terrible. I’m sorry, but it is. Mew, the same as everyone else, doesn’t owe Ray his help or time or support. But while it is not necessary for him to help Ray, it is a necessity to not actively - and this time intentionally - support him in this.

For Mew everything happening is episode 8 is a journey, a new experience. For Ray it's a fucking relapse.

He knows Ray is an addict. He just doesn’t care at the moment. But it can be so, so dangerous for Ray. Mew started this spiraling down journey, but it’s Ray who will end up at the bottom.

And for everyone who says Ray is also an active participant - he is. But he is not. He has a disease. And he gets in a situation where a person he idolises, his favourite human being, finally doesn’t judge him. Instead, Mew supports him. Mew wants to be like him. Can you imagine even a possibility where Ray in this situation says no? It’s impossible, not in the state he’s in right now.

And this is why I critisize this friend group. This is why they deserve to be criticized. Because this is a depiction of how these things work in reality too. You don't have to help him. But the least thing you can do - if you deside to stay in his life - is to have a compassion towards him and don't get him worse.

says the man that is about to give the puppy dog eyes of all time. of All Time

sandray are so tough to watch right now because the reason they're wholesome is that they're properly guarded against each other. ray, though he's clearly catching feelings for sand, is in love with someone else, which is very fortifying. sand is testing his own boundaries and being honest with himself about what's working and what isn't. he pulls physically away from ray multiple times here. this scene also has him admitting that he's never had sex more than once with someone he wasn't seeing seriously. when ray asks "so do I have to be your boyfriend to get more?" and sand says "i'll never take someone like you as my boyfriend" and then ray says "can't you just make an exception for me?" neither of them are saying what their words are (of trailer playing us again!!)

ray is not really offering, not in any meaningful way; sand is not declining as much as he is protecting himself. multiple times in this episode sand has indicated that he might be open to something serious with ray and ray has playfully offered something serious in a meaningfully disingenuous way, specifically to ward off the real conversation, and sand has performed brushing him off, to make it clear that he understands what's actually being offered and not offered. it's so twisted because all their surprisingly healthy communication is happening at a level where their words mean almost perfectly the opposite of what their words Actually Mean. it's only healthy because they both understand the nuance here. dangerous fuckin game boys

then mew calls. I've already seen some discourse about this so here comes my addition: yeah it's a good move to prioritize getting your drunk friend to a safe place. ray is doing a good thing here and he's also doing nothing wrong, even if he weren't. as aforementioned in the healthy communication bit; as sand will say shortly; he's made no promises and is well within his rights to do what he pleases, whether or not that comes at the expense of sand's feelings.

yes, and: I think this shot summarizes really well the emotional heart of this. sand is not offended by ray picking up the call. he's feeling some physical feelings, obviously, about the interruption. but it's only when ray physically shrugs off his arm that he does the kicked puppy face. we see it again when he sighs and swallows his feelings until he hears ray say "sure, where are you? i'm coming" without any acknowledgement, implicit or otherwise, of what ray will be leaving to do so.

there's a perfectly valid scenario here where ray is interrupted in the middle of fun sexy times by the deeper bonds of friendship and goes honorably to attend to those priorities. but that's not what this is, or not the whole of it. he's not just picking mew's safety over sand in this moment; he's actively pushing sand away in favor of attending to mew, before he even knows what the call's about.

sand is duly hurt and we get to hurt along with him, /especially/ because he's going to take ownership of his own pain in a moment and reiterate his own responsibility. "I don't have the right to be upset with you," he says. and on some level, this is true. but it sure is easy to get why he's hurting