#odeiluv

The furniture is pressed towards the centre of the living room. A large, deep blue throw drapes over the TV, which sits on the unit. It extends over the sofa opposite, the armchair to the left and the clothes airer to the right, pulled tight to create the base of the fort. A few small blankets are flung over here and there to stop any light from getting in, the fort lit by only the glow of the TV, and the one singular artificial tea light candle Seungmin insisted would be the ‘perfect decoration’.

Inside, Seungmin’s duvet is spread out over the floor, his pillows and a few sofa cushions dotted around. We sit crossed-legged in the centre of it all, Nintendo Switch controllers in our hands, playing our fourth race of Mario Kart in a row. I am also currently winning my fourth race in a row, which has Seungmin throwing a string of laughable insults at me.

Gunil peeks in at the allocated entrance beside the clothes airer sometime during the second race, asking if we want any snacks, and returns with a couple of cans of Dr Pepper, Pepero, and some Pringles. Then, also asking if we want some extra blankets, as ‘it will be cold sleeping out here’, which we accept appreciatively.

The rest of Seungmin’s bandmates have turned in for the evening already, each of them loving their beds and sleep as much as the next. So when Gunil bids us goodnight and heads off to his room, which he shares with Jungsu, it’s just the two of us. Something I’ve come to love more and more as of late.

Even right now, as he screams at me in frustration for sending a Red Shell back at him, I couldn’t be more content.

As the tournament finishes and I inevitably win, we decide to take a quick break. Cracking open our cans and digging into the snacks Gunil generously brought us. Seungmin animatedly tells me a story about his trip out with Hyeongjun this morning, and I really am trying to listen, but my brain won’t allow space as it focuses on soaking in his appearance across from me.

Red and black plaid pyjama pants and a black graphic hoodie, one I recognise as the one he let me borrow when we last hung out alone on a visit to Han River. His face is bare, and his hair, dyed blonde from Xdinary Heroes’ latest comeback, peeks out from underneath his hood. The TV's glow illuminates his face, highlighting his cheekbones whenever his mouth curves into a smile. His dark eyes appear lighter, crinkling in amusement as he lets out a hearty laugh.

God, I love his laugh.

I lift my can to my lips to conceal a smile, taking a long sip.

I’m not entirely sure when I started to see Seungmin this way. We had met through some mutual friends a few years back, and even the very first time in his presence, I knew I wanted him to be a part of my everyday. I was simply fond of him; It was just the way he was able to make an entire room erupt in laughter, and the way he cared for people - like how he instantly jumped up to get me some tissues when I spilt my drink over myself on that very first day, despite having only shared a handful of words beforehand.

Going forward, there had been countless texts, then calls; More group hangouts and eventually ones on our own. And along the way, things must have been gradually building, leading up to just a few weeks ago, when I realised just how much I missed him. With his band having had the final preparations needed for their album, contact was limited. I found myself eagerly checking every notification, hoping it was him. Desperate to hear his voice and to see his face.

And then one night, after a short FaceTime, I laid back in bed, cheeks hurting from smiling. My chest rising and falling heavily due to the rapid pace of my heart, I realised, without an ounce of room for denial;

I really, really like Oh Seungmin.

His story ends with a reminiscing laugh as he pulls his hoodie over his head, leaving his hair slightly dishevelled and revealing a grey tank top underneath, which rises partially in the process.

I avert my eyes quickly, grabbing a Pepero stick, unable to trust myself not to stare.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, he pulls it back down, “But anyway, what were you up to this morning?”

I take a bite of my snack, humming as I try to remember anything past the sight of his toned stomach.

But then a door creaks open and foot steps thud into the living room as though being dragged sleepily. They pause momentarily as the light switch is flicked on, light creeping under the ‘walls’ of the fort. There are a few seconds of silence before they continue towards us. All of a sudden, the blanket at the entrance is being pulled aside, and the light floods in, revealing Jooyeon crouched with tired eyes, yet a playful grin plastered on his face.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” he taunts in usual fashion.

I can already see where this is going to go- the same way it always does. Seungmin clearly does too, as he shoots me a comedic look with an exaggerated sigh as though to say, ‘here we go again.’

“When did you build this?” he continues, not caring for the exchange; in fact, it only spurs him on.

“When you went to bed,” Seungmin replies, before adding teasingly, “so you couldn’t ruin it.”

Jooyeon lets out an elongated, ‘whattt?’ of defence before mumbling a ‘rude’. Then, he invites himself in, clearly being extra careful as though not to prove Seungmin right. He doesn’t get far though, due to the lack of room, settling on his knees just in front of Seungmin, who leans back to rest on his hands, triceps flexing appealingly in the process.

“It’s quite cosy in here, isn’t it?” he looks around, nodding as though assessing the construction work, “Pretty romantic.”

His light teasing usually doesn’t affect me, and I’d normally counter him with a dig of some sort; But now, I find myself too busy holding back a smirk at each comment that classifies me and Seungmin as anything more than friends.

Instead, Seungmin grabs a pillow from somewhere beside him, chucking it straight at Jooyeon. It hits him right in the head before falling to the floor. I laugh at the excessive offence he feigns on his face, and he shoots me an equally excessive glare. He picks up the pillow himself, raising his hand as though to throw it at me, but pauses as he notices what’s in my hand.

“Is that my Pepero?”

I shrug, obviously unaware, yet still pop the last of it in my mouth. Grabbing the packet off the floor, I show it to him.

He takes in a sharp breath, over the top once again, snatching them from my grasp, “That is my Pepero. I literally just came out to get those.”

“Blame Gunil,” Seungmin responds coolly.

Jooyeon says something about having words with him tomorrow, and that he can buy him another pack.

“Right, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone since you don’t want me here,” he sighs as though feeling sorry for himself, clutching his Pepero sticks to his chest. But he still doesn’t move, instead lowering a hand to his pocket to pull out his phone, “Wait.”

He raises it, and I raise an eyebrow in turn.

“Smile!”

He doesn’t wait for a reaction, snapping a candid photo of the two of us in the fort. I blink a few times, temporarily blinded from the flash. He sighs whimsically as he zooms to observe his photography.

“How cute,” then, excitedly, “Jiseok is going to love this.”

I snort as Seungmin extends a leg to kick Jooyeon with limited pressure, “Get out, you weirdo.”

“Okay. Okay. Okay.”

Jooyeon shoves his phone in his pocket again and backs out of the fort clumsily with the last of his Pepero sticks, knocking over the can of Pringles on the way. I feel a sense of relief momentarily as he stands, the blanket covering the entrance falling back into place. Until I hear his voice call out again from across the room,

“Don’t kiss in there!”

For fuck’s sake.

A sharp exhale shoots from my nose in embarrassed amusement as I let my head fall, trying to hide the pink blush tinting my cheeks as the thought flashes through my mind.

“We’ll try!”

And now it’s not so funny.

Elbows resting on my knees, I raise my hands to my cheeks that I can feel are now burning hotter than before, hoping that Seungmin can’t see how red my face has become.

Did he seriously just say that?

Jooyeon lets out a boisterous laugh followed by an exaggerated gag at his friend’s witty response, before the door clicks shut on his return to his bedroom.

I lift my head, dropping my hands back into my lap, trying to compose myself so that I don’t look as affected as I feel - but I can’t look him in the eye.

“What the fuck is wrong with him?” I mutter to ease the one-sided tension, with a laugh behind it that’s almost painful as I force it out. My hands reach for the controller on the ground in front of me, and I begin to flick through the character selector aimlessly to occupy my hands.

A quiet chuckle comes in response as Seungmin’s own head drops for a moment, before he leans forward to place the Pringles tube back upright. He then shuffles all the way back until he is resting against the sofa and stretches out his legs in front of him, crossing them at the ankles. The rest of him is out of my peripheral vision, and I’m unable to see his face.

“He’s funny,” the boy breathes airily.

I simply hum in response, attempting to keep my demeanour calm, yet my heart feels as though it’s going to burst through my ribcage at any moment.

We start another tournament. I try to concentrate on keeping my streak - but winning doesn’t feel so important right now. Seungmin’s words spin through my head at a dizzying speed.

We’ll try. We’ll try. We’ll try.

And I start to wonder why he said it. What it meant. How he come out with it so quickly. What he’s thinking right now. Part of me is hopeful. Hopeful that he really is trying not to. Saying it so quickly because it’s been on his mind.

But then what if it meant nothing, and it was just to get a reaction out of Jooyeon? A harmless jab.

Still, despite there being no ill intent, I feel myself growing irritated at the thought. Growing infuriated by him out of nowhere for being so careless. For being blissfully unaware of how I feel, and for how a comment he made without a second thought is eating me alive.

“Shit,” I mutter under my breath as my character is hit by a Blue Shell. Seungmin lets out a provoking ‘Ha Ha’ as his own character speeds past mine, which is spinning out. But I don’t really care. And I don’t shoot back at him with a usual competitive remark. Continuing to play subconsciously as I begin to construct a list of excuses to leave once this game is finished. So I can go home and throw myself onto my bed and cry.

Suddenly, there’s a hand waving in front of my face, and I blink rapidly. The screen in front of me is paused, and Seungmin is saying my name. My head snaps towards him. He has scooted back beside me again, controller discarded on the floor somewhere behind him. His eyebrows are furrowed heavily in genuine concern, and the corners of his lips are slightly downturned. But I try not to look at them as he speaks, his presence almost unbearable all of a sudden.

“You’re not even paying attention. You’re in ninth place. Are you okay?”

The question averts my eyes. I shake my head as I reply with a white lie, “I’m just tired.”

“You always say that,” he drags, and he’s probably rolling his eyes at me.

“No, I really am. I’ll probably just head home.”

I scramble to my knees, putting some distance between us in the process, as I scan the fort for any of my belongings that I might have brought in with me.

“But you’re supposed to be staying over…” Seungmin says in a voice quieter than usual, a hint of disappointment underlying it that makes me feel incredibly guilty. A lump forms in my throat, overwhelmed by all the emotions swirling around my chest. Hating myself for having the audacity to be mad at him when he has absolutely no clue what he’s done. I barely mumble a quick apology as I pick up the only things I can find, my phone and my almost empty can of Dr Pepper, and turn ready to awkwardly clamber out of the fort.

But Seungmin shuffles over, blocking my exit, the look of concern still plastered on his face as he turns his whole body to face me, legs still crossed. His eyes skim over my face as I kneel just in front of him, trying to read my expression, which I pray is stoic in my attempts, as I force myself to look him in the eye.

The silence is painful, and it feels like an hour, though probably only a couple of seconds before he speaks.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Great.

That was the last thing I needed.

My ears grow hot as I shake my head. I hate lying to Seungmin. It’s something I hardly ever have to do - but as I try to protect myself, it comes out in an instant.

“No, of course not.”

But that doesn’t mean he has to believe it.

He sighs my name like a disappointed dad, eyes falling shut as he swallows hard. When he opens them again, they narrow slightly, boring into me.

“What?” My voice heightens defensively.

“Just tell me the truth”

“I am telling you the truth”

“Promise me?”

I hesitate, opening my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. So I shut it again. Panic settles in.

We never, ever break promises. And I can’t force myself to do that even now. I lower my knelt posture to sit back on my feet as my face darkens in shame. My expression falters, and I drop my gaze to my phone and can, noticing how tight my grip has become, the can crushing ever so slightly.

My lack of response tells him enough.

His voice is barely above a whisper, “What did I do?”

I drop my phone into my lap slowly as I attempt to use both hands to pop out the dent, trying to think of how I could possibly answer that question now. At the very top of my sight I can see him wringing his hands in his own lap nervously before he pleads, “Please look at me.”

A small crack in his voice causes me to immediately freeze, and I lift my head slightly to risk a glance, yet instantly regret it as I notice his eyes are vaguely glassed over. Guilt washes over me again as I realise I’ve upset him, something I’ve never done before. And I can’t find it in me to be angry anymore.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I sigh as I clumsily drag my aching legs from under me with only one hand for support, can still clutched in the other, and phone slipping from my lap to the floor. Mimicking the position of the boy across from me, I allow myself to raise my head fully to look at him. My eyes sting at the sight of Seungmin, who’s now also chewing the inside of his cheek anxiously.

Another painful silence. One that I feel like I have to fill myself this time, yet I struggle to find the right words.

“You really didn’t do anything wrong… It’s just that-” I pause, frowning out of frustration, eyes flickering to the blanket wall behind him, “It’s just me overthinking.”

Something he knows I do a lot, and he usually doesn’t pry, but I can’t blame him this time.

“Overthinking what?” he questions, voice still quiet. Hands still fidgeting, eyes still glassy.

As I imagine myself admitting it out loud, I groan out of embarrassment, my free hand rising to my face, thumb and middle finger pressing to the outer corners of my eyes.

“This is so fucking stupid,” I breathe out, a short, awkward laugh following, lowering my head just enough for my elbow to rest on my knee.

I peek up at Seungmin from behind my hand, just in time to see him relax slightly - shoulders dropping their tension and tilting his head to the side to catch my eyes, now more confused than anything else. He blinks a couple of times as his eyes clear, asking hesitantly, “What is it?”

Inhaling deeply, I remove my hand from my face to sit up straight. Then I down the last of my drink to buy myself more time on how to explain myself. I can feel my hands shaking subtly, conscious of how Seungmin watches my every move. Lowering the can, I fiddle with the tab as I begin to speak.

“So basically- wait, can you not look at me, I’m going to laugh,” I interrupt myself as I notice Seungmin staring at me with such a serious expression as he listens attentively - one I’ve never had directed at myself.

Luckily, he snorts at this with a chorus of muffled apologies as he drops his head into his hands.

What an absolute mess.

After another deep breath, I continue, “You know when Jooyeon came in and said… what he said...”

“What part? He said a lot of things,” Seungmin mumbles, poking fun at Jooyeon’s talkative manner, hands still covering his face. I snigger.

Continuing to dance around the subject, I say, “Just when he left.”

Seungmin nods slowly in an exaggerated manner against his hands so that I can catch it. And I can’t tell entirely due to the dim lights, and with his short hair falling over them, but I can almost swear I see the tips of his ears redden.

“About us kissing?”

I wish I could see his face as he says this, yet I am more grateful that he cannot see mine as hearing “us” and “kissing” come out of his mouth in the same sentence, once again, has my cheeks burning.

“Errrr… yeah,” I reply awkwardly, causing me to scrunch up my face, cringing at the sound of my own voice. I look up so the ‘ceiling’ of the fort, mouthing ‘fuck’. Condemning myself.

“What about it?” Seungmin counters after a moment, and my eyes fall back onto him. A speck of agitation creeping back in at the seemingly nonchalant response.

I hadn’t really thought this far ahead and don’t really know what to say next - a moment or two passes and I notice Seungmin raise his head ever so slightly to peek at me through his fingers, as though to check I haven’t disappeared. I frown at him playfully, and he mutters another apology before dipping his head again.

Sighing, I force myself to pursue, but of course, it comes out as more of a ramble.

“He obviously says stuff like that all the time and… it’s funny, obviously, because it’s Jooyeon. And I know he’s just teasing, of course, but-”

This is followed by a long, filler ‘errrr’ of some sort as I have second thoughts about continuing. But I know I’m going to end up having to say it anyway.

It comes out slow, and more like a question, “It’s just. What… you said… after?”

Seungmin doesn’t say anything at first. I’m not sure if he’s trying to recall the moment or what. But then he lifts his head again, hands slowly dragging down his face, fingertips coming to rest against his jaw. No clear expression yet his face is slightly red; I can’t tell if it’s out of embarrassment or simply from the heat of his palms.

My eyes fall back to my hands as I twist the tab of the can forward and backwards again, finally weakened enough for it to snap off. I fiddle with it between my fingers, self-conscious.

“Why are you so bothered?”

I daren’t look at him and am unsure from the tone of his voice whether the question is lighthearted, and to meet him with a teasing ‘shut up’ - or if he’s expecting a straight, honest answer.

But I can’t give him an honest answer, because I’m scared of how he’ll react. So I settle for a half-truth.

“I don’t know. I just didn’t expect it, that’s all,” I excuse myself, “Caught me off guard a bit, I guess.”

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” His voice is soft.

Anything but.

“No, no, no, no, no,” I quickly reassure, shaking my head, but still not looking up “, Not at all.”

“Then what is it?”

I place the empty can down just in front of me, both hands now on the tab, and my voice is unnaturally quiet as I admit, “I just want to know why you said it.”

The tension in the air becomes palpable. And every moment of quiet that follows only causes it to intensify. I’m unsure of how to read it, his lack of words with endless possibilities of cause. But my heart feels as though it’s climbing up my throat nonetheless, to the point where it’s making me feel sick. And I’d just wish he’d speak - say anything at this point - as the feeling slowly becomes unbearable.

“I didn’t say it to be weird or anything,” Seungmin finally starts. Then, “I was just teasing you.”

I feel myself deflate.

‘I was just teasing you.’

“Okay,” I say simply, nodding slowly. I look up at him for a second to give him a tight smile as though to say, ‘That’s it then. It’s fine. Problem solved.’ But I honestly wish the ground would swallow me up, or the blankets from the fort would fall right now and suffocate me - not just even out of embarrassment, but disappointment.

Everything hurts. Because it didn’t mean anything to him. Whilst the stupid, rash comment meant everything to me. It was never just the thought of him wanting to kiss me, but everything else that could have meant. That he could possibly feel even a fraction of what I feel for him.

I need to get out.

I grab my phone, “I’m still going to go, though, because I-”

“I’m not finished.”

Oh.

Phone back on the floor, I catch the way Seungmin rubs his hands together before wiping his palms on his thighs. His head is down, but I can tell his eyebrows are pinched together tightly.

His hands still, but he won’t look at me. He clears his throat.

“I just wanted to see your reaction,” he continues, “but then you wouldn’t even look at me and I couldn’t tell if I made things awkward between us or-”

My nerves spike again, and I flip the tab between my fingers repeatedly.

He swallows hard, “I don’t know.”

I go to question him, but then he begins to ramble, hands clasped together, gesturing with even point he makes, “but then you wouldn’t even talk to me either, and then you wanted to leave, and I thought I definitely fucked up. But you just said it didn’t make you uncomfortable and were just caught off guard and…”

He keeps going, but I’m barely listening, still stuck on the first part.

I shift my focus to the tab in my hand, as my mind attempts to skip over every possible reason why he’d want to see my reaction - not allowing myself to jump to conclusions. Deciding to let him finish to get a definitive answer, I let my thumb graze over the idents at the base of the tab, a rainbow with a small hole beneath it.

“-but yeah,” he concludes, letting out a shaky breath.

Barely a second passes before I ask, tilting my head at him curiously, “Why did you want to see my reaction?” I pause, narrowing my eyes, before pushing further, “How did you want me to react?”

He looks up at me momentarily through his lashes before letting out a low, awkward laugh. “Umm…” he hums, and his hands begin wringing again. I glance down at the tab before extending it out to him with one hand in an attempt to calm him. He blinks at it a couple of times before taking it appreciatively, instinctively grazing his own thumb against it.

“I think,” he starts, a coy smile audible through his voice “, because I wanted to see if you’d get all shy and flustered.”

His words grow quieter towards the end out of embarrassment - the unusual behaviour incredibly endearing. I chew on my bottom lip to suppress a smile as part of me is pleased at the idea he’d want to have that effect on me, but then again, he could want that effect on anyone.

“Why?” I question shortly, needing confirmation before I can allow the exhilaration to overcome me. He raises his head faintly.

The look he gives me is pointed, yet amusingly so. Eyebrows furrowed in mock annoyance, one slightly raised - but his face is beautifully flushed and the corner of his lip twitches slightly as he tries not to smile. It’s a look that says, ‘What do you think, idiot?’

Oh my god.

I laugh genuinely, first at the face; But then, as the silent confession sinks in, I can’t wipe the grin from my face, nor silence the giddy giggles that bubble up from my chest. Seungmin watches me with bright eyes, chuckling softly at the sight as I fall back against the duvet, hands concealing my face bashfully as I try to compose myself.

“Oi, get up,” Seungmin orders me between his own laughs, tapping on my knees with the palm of his hands. I move my hands from my face so I can lean up on my elbows to look at him. He shifts his stare to the floor immediately, ears red as he drags the tab across the duvet with his fingers.

Feeling smug at the sudden shift in power, my grin grows somewhat cocky. I tease, “I want to hear you say it.”

He lets out a pleading groan, lifting his arms to dig the heels of his palms into his eyes, lightly dragging out a ‘Whyyy?’

“Come on,” I drag back, plainly enjoying the head-to-head, “We’re both adults here.”

He promptly removes his hands to give me another pointed look, this time as though to say, ‘you can’t talk.’ There’s a stare-down for a short time.

He then wordlessly extends the tab out to me, scooting himself forward so I can reach, knees against my own. I lean up and retrieve the item between my fingers, but just before I can drop back again, he grabs my wrist and pulls me back up.

The action catches me by surprise, and I yelp. I’m ready to scold him, but my complaints halt as the boy’s hand slips from my wrist to hold my hand. His thumb brushes over my fingers, and I shiver, the sudden shift in dynamic giving me whiplash. Wordlessly, his free hand raises to cup my chin, thumb on one cheek, fingers on the other, squishing them ever so slightly.

“I like you,” a playful tone, yet the genuine smile that follows, paired with the tender look in his eyes, hold so much meaning, “a lot.”

And it’s like the rest of the world disappears.

My eyes dart around his face, wishing to capture every detail of him in this moment so I can remember it this clearly forever. The warmth in his gaze is familiar, as though I’ve witnessed a thousand times before, but now with his confession, everything seems to make sense. My next words come easily, having been sat on the tip of my tongue, begging to spill.

“I like you too, Seungmin,” my voice comes out in a whisper, as my eyes fall to his mouth, “so much.”

He catches this, the corners of his lips twitching as his hand moves to cup my left cheek. The other loosens from my hand gently as brings it up to the right. Holding my face as though it’s the most precious thing in the world. The volume of his voice drops to match my own,

“Can I kiss you?”

Please.

I nod without hesitation, my hands reaching forward to grasp the hem of his tank top instinctively, anticipation engulfing every inch of my being. And he leans in, eyes fluttering closed as he tilts his face to capture my lips in a singular, delicate kiss.

My fingers curl under the fabric, just enough to feel the bare skin of his waist against my fingertips. Just enough to confirm to myself that he’s really there. That I’m kissing Seungmin. That this is real - It only lasts a few seconds, but I swear I experience true euphoria for the first time in my life.

And when he pulls back, his eyes glisten with a youthful excitement; his smile mischievous as though a child doing something in secret that he knows he shouldn’t. The thrill of not getting caught, and with his partner in crime.