#mini slowburn

The furniture is pressed towards the centre of the living room. A large, deep blue throw drapes over the TV, which sits on the unit. It extends over the sofa opposite, the armchair to the left and the clothes airer to the right, pulled tight to create the base of the fort. A few small blankets are flung over here and there to stop any light from getting in, the fort lit by only the glow of the TV, and the one singular artificial tea light candle Seungmin insisted would be the ‘perfect decoration’.

Inside, Seungmin’s duvet is spread out over the floor, his pillows and a few sofa cushions dotted around. We sit crossed-legged in the centre of it all, Nintendo Switch controllers in our hands, playing our fourth race of Mario Kart in a row. I am also currently winning my fourth race in a row, which has Seungmin throwing a string of laughable insults at me.

Gunil peeks in at the allocated entrance beside the clothes airer sometime during the second race, asking if we want any snacks, and returns with a couple of cans of Dr Pepper, Pepero, and some Pringles. Then, also asking if we want some extra blankets, as ‘it will be cold sleeping out here’, which we accept appreciatively.

The rest of Seungmin’s bandmates have turned in for the evening already, each of them loving their beds and sleep as much as the next. So when Gunil bids us goodnight and heads off to his room, which he shares with Jungsu, it’s just the two of us. Something I’ve come to love more and more as of late.

Even right now, as he screams at me in frustration for sending a Red Shell back at him, I couldn’t be more content.

As the tournament finishes and I inevitably win, we decide to take a quick break. Cracking open our cans and digging into the snacks Gunil generously brought us. Seungmin animatedly tells me a story about his trip out with Hyeongjun this morning, and I really am trying to listen, but my brain won’t allow space as it focuses on soaking in his appearance across from me.

Red and black plaid pyjama pants and a black graphic hoodie, one I recognise as the one he let me borrow when we last hung out alone on a visit to Han River. His face is bare, and his hair, dyed blonde from Xdinary Heroes’ latest comeback, peeks out from underneath his hood. The TV's glow illuminates his face, highlighting his cheekbones whenever his mouth curves into a smile. His dark eyes appear lighter, crinkling in amusement as he lets out a hearty laugh.

God, I love his laugh.

I lift my can to my lips to conceal a smile, taking a long sip.

I’m not entirely sure when I started to see Seungmin this way. We had met through some mutual friends a few years back, and even the very first time in his presence, I knew I wanted him to be a part of my everyday. I was simply fond of him; It was just the way he was able to make an entire room erupt in laughter, and the way he cared for people - like how he instantly jumped up to get me some tissues when I spilt my drink over myself on that very first day, despite having only shared a handful of words beforehand.

Going forward, there had been countless texts, then calls; More group hangouts and eventually ones on our own. And along the way, things must have been gradually building, leading up to just a few weeks ago, when I realised just how much I missed him. With his band having had the final preparations needed for their album, contact was limited. I found myself eagerly checking every notification, hoping it was him. Desperate to hear his voice and to see his face.

And then one night, after a short FaceTime, I laid back in bed, cheeks hurting from smiling. My chest rising and falling heavily due to the rapid pace of my heart, I realised, without an ounce of room for denial;

I really, really like Oh Seungmin.

His story ends with a reminiscing laugh as he pulls his hoodie over his head, leaving his hair slightly dishevelled and revealing a grey tank top underneath, which rises partially in the process.

I avert my eyes quickly, grabbing a Pepero stick, unable to trust myself not to stare.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, he pulls it back down, “But anyway, what were you up to this morning?”

I take a bite of my snack, humming as I try to remember anything past the sight of his toned stomach.

But then a door creaks open and foot steps thud into the living room as though being dragged sleepily. They pause momentarily as the light switch is flicked on, light creeping under the ‘walls’ of the fort. There are a few seconds of silence before they continue towards us. All of a sudden, the blanket at the entrance is being pulled aside, and the light floods in, revealing Jooyeon crouched with tired eyes, yet a playful grin plastered on his face.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” he taunts in usual fashion.

I can already see where this is going to go- the same way it always does. Seungmin clearly does too, as he shoots me a comedic look with an exaggerated sigh as though to say, ‘here we go again.’

“When did you build this?” he continues, not caring for the exchange; in fact, it only spurs him on.

“When you went to bed,” Seungmin replies, before adding teasingly, “so you couldn’t ruin it.”

Jooyeon lets out an elongated, ‘whattt?’ of defence before mumbling a ‘rude’. Then, he invites himself in, clearly being extra careful as though not to prove Seungmin right. He doesn’t get far though, due to the lack of room, settling on his knees just in front of Seungmin, who leans back to rest on his hands, triceps flexing appealingly in the process.

“It’s quite cosy in here, isn’t it?” he looks around, nodding as though assessing the construction work, “Pretty romantic.”

His light teasing usually doesn’t affect me, and I’d normally counter him with a dig of some sort; But now, I find myself too busy holding back a smirk at each comment that classifies me and Seungmin as anything more than friends.

Instead, Seungmin grabs a pillow from somewhere beside him, chucking it straight at Jooyeon. It hits him right in the head before falling to the floor. I laugh at the excessive offence he feigns on his face, and he shoots me an equally excessive glare. He picks up the pillow himself, raising his hand as though to throw it at me, but pauses as he notices what’s in my hand.

“Is that my Pepero?”

I shrug, obviously unaware, yet still pop the last of it in my mouth. Grabbing the packet off the floor, I show it to him.

He takes in a sharp breath, over the top once again, snatching them from my grasp, “That is my Pepero. I literally just came out to get those.”

“Blame Gunil,” Seungmin responds coolly.

Jooyeon says something about having words with him tomorrow, and that he can buy him another pack.

“Right, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone since you don’t want me here,” he sighs as though feeling sorry for himself, clutching his Pepero sticks to his chest. But he still doesn’t move, instead lowering a hand to his pocket to pull out his phone, “Wait.”

He raises it, and I raise an eyebrow in turn.

“Smile!”

He doesn’t wait for a reaction, snapping a candid photo of the two of us in the fort. I blink a few times, temporarily blinded from the flash. He sighs whimsically as he zooms to observe his photography.

“How cute,” then, excitedly, “Jiseok is going to love this.”

I snort as Seungmin extends a leg to kick Jooyeon with limited pressure, “Get out, you weirdo.”

“Okay. Okay. Okay.”

Jooyeon shoves his phone in his pocket again and backs out of the fort clumsily with the last of his Pepero sticks, knocking over the can of Pringles on the way. I feel a sense of relief momentarily as he stands, the blanket covering the entrance falling back into place. Until I hear his voice call out again from across the room,

“Don’t kiss in there!”

For fuck’s sake.

A sharp exhale shoots from my nose in embarrassed amusement as I let my head fall, trying to hide the pink blush tinting my cheeks as the thought flashes through my mind.

“We’ll try!”

And now it’s not so funny.

Elbows resting on my knees, I raise my hands to my cheeks that I can feel are now burning hotter than before, hoping that Seungmin can’t see how red my face has become.

Did he seriously just say that?

Jooyeon lets out a boisterous laugh followed by an exaggerated gag at his friend’s witty response, before the door clicks shut on his return to his bedroom.

I lift my head, dropping my hands back into my lap, trying to compose myself so that I don’t look as affected as I feel - but I can’t look him in the eye.

“What the fuck is wrong with him?” I mutter to ease the one-sided tension, with a laugh behind it that’s almost painful as I force it out. My hands reach for the controller on the ground in front of me, and I begin to flick through the character selector aimlessly to occupy my hands.

A quiet chuckle comes in response as Seungmin’s own head drops for a moment, before he leans forward to place the Pringles tube back upright. He then shuffles all the way back until he is resting against the sofa and stretches out his legs in front of him, crossing them at the ankles. The rest of him is out of my peripheral vision, and I’m unable to see his face.

“He’s funny,” the boy breathes airily.

I simply hum in response, attempting to keep my demeanour calm, yet my heart feels as though it’s going to burst through my ribcage at any moment.

We start another tournament. I try to concentrate on keeping my streak - but winning doesn’t feel so important right now. Seungmin’s words spin through my head at a dizzying speed.

We’ll try. We’ll try. We’ll try.

And I start to wonder why he said it. What it meant. How he come out with it so quickly. What he’s thinking right now. Part of me is hopeful. Hopeful that he really is trying not to. Saying it so quickly because it’s been on his mind.

But then what if it meant nothing, and it was just to get a reaction out of Jooyeon? A harmless jab.

Still, despite there being no ill intent, I feel myself growing irritated at the thought. Growing infuriated by him out of nowhere for being so careless. For being blissfully unaware of how I feel, and for how a comment he made without a second thought is eating me alive.

“Shit,” I mutter under my breath as my character is hit by a Blue Shell. Seungmin lets out a provoking ‘Ha Ha’ as his own character speeds past mine, which is spinning out. But I don’t really care. And I don’t shoot back at him with a usual competitive remark. Continuing to play subconsciously as I begin to construct a list of excuses to leave once this game is finished. So I can go home and throw myself onto my bed and cry.

Suddenly, there’s a hand waving in front of my face, and I blink rapidly. The screen in front of me is paused, and Seungmin is saying my name. My head snaps towards him. He has scooted back beside me again, controller discarded on the floor somewhere behind him. His eyebrows are furrowed heavily in genuine concern, and the corners of his lips are slightly downturned. But I try not to look at them as he speaks, his presence almost unbearable all of a sudden.

“You’re not even paying attention. You’re in ninth place. Are you okay?”

The question averts my eyes. I shake my head as I reply with a white lie, “I’m just tired.”

“You always say that,” he drags, and he’s probably rolling his eyes at me.

“No, I really am. I’ll probably just head home.”

I scramble to my knees, putting some distance between us in the process, as I scan the fort for any of my belongings that I might have brought in with me.

“But you’re supposed to be staying over…” Seungmin says in a voice quieter than usual, a hint of disappointment underlying it that makes me feel incredibly guilty. A lump forms in my throat, overwhelmed by all the emotions swirling around my chest. Hating myself for having the audacity to be mad at him when he has absolutely no clue what he’s done. I barely mumble a quick apology as I pick up the only things I can find, my phone and my almost empty can of Dr Pepper, and turn ready to awkwardly clamber out of the fort.

But Seungmin shuffles over, blocking my exit, the look of concern still plastered on his face as he turns his whole body to face me, legs still crossed. His eyes skim over my face as I kneel just in front of him, trying to read my expression, which I pray is stoic in my attempts, as I force myself to look him in the eye.

The silence is painful, and it feels like an hour, though probably only a couple of seconds before he speaks.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Great.

That was the last thing I needed.

My ears grow hot as I shake my head. I hate lying to Seungmin. It’s something I hardly ever have to do - but as I try to protect myself, it comes out in an instant.

“No, of course not.”

But that doesn’t mean he has to believe it.

He sighs my name like a disappointed dad, eyes falling shut as he swallows hard. When he opens them again, they narrow slightly, boring into me.

“What?” My voice heightens defensively.

“Just tell me the truth”

“I am telling you the truth”

“Promise me?”

I hesitate, opening my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. So I shut it again. Panic settles in.

We never, ever break promises. And I can’t force myself to do that even now. I lower my knelt posture to sit back on my feet as my face darkens in shame. My expression falters, and I drop my gaze to my phone and can, noticing how tight my grip has become, the can crushing ever so slightly.

My lack of response tells him enough.

His voice is barely above a whisper, “What did I do?”

I drop my phone into my lap slowly as I attempt to use both hands to pop out the dent, trying to think of how I could possibly answer that question now. At the very top of my sight I can see him wringing his hands in his own lap nervously before he pleads, “Please look at me.”

A small crack in his voice causes me to immediately freeze, and I lift my head slightly to risk a glance, yet instantly regret it as I notice his eyes are vaguely glassed over. Guilt washes over me again as I realise I’ve upset him, something I’ve never done before. And I can’t find it in me to be angry anymore.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I sigh as I clumsily drag my aching legs from under me with only one hand for support, can still clutched in the other, and phone slipping from my lap to the floor. Mimicking the position of the boy across from me, I allow myself to raise my head fully to look at him. My eyes sting at the sight of Seungmin, who’s now also chewing the inside of his cheek anxiously.

Another painful silence. One that I feel like I have to fill myself this time, yet I struggle to find the right words.

“You really didn’t do anything wrong… It’s just that-” I pause, frowning out of frustration, eyes flickering to the blanket wall behind him, “It’s just me overthinking.”

Something he knows I do a lot, and he usually doesn’t pry, but I can’t blame him this time.

“Overthinking what?” he questions, voice still quiet. Hands still fidgeting, eyes still glassy.

As I imagine myself admitting it out loud, I groan out of embarrassment, my free hand rising to my face, thumb and middle finger pressing to the outer corners of my eyes.

“This is so fucking stupid,” I breathe out, a short, awkward laugh following, lowering my head just enough for my elbow to rest on my knee.

I peek up at Seungmin from behind my hand, just in time to see him relax slightly - shoulders dropping their tension and tilting his head to the side to catch my eyes, now more confused than anything else. He blinks a couple of times as his eyes clear, asking hesitantly, “What is it?”

Inhaling deeply, I remove my hand from my face to sit up straight. Then I down the last of my drink to buy myself more time on how to explain myself. I can feel my hands shaking subtly, conscious of how Seungmin watches my every move. Lowering the can, I fiddle with the tab as I begin to speak.

“So basically- wait, can you not look at me, I’m going to laugh,” I interrupt myself as I notice Seungmin staring at me with such a serious expression as he listens attentively - one I’ve never had directed at myself.

Luckily, he snorts at this with a chorus of muffled apologies as he drops his head into his hands.

What an absolute mess.

After another deep breath, I continue, “You know when Jooyeon came in and said… what he said...”

“What part? He said a lot of things,” Seungmin mumbles, poking fun at Jooyeon’s talkative manner, hands still covering his face. I snigger.

Continuing to dance around the subject, I say, “Just when he left.”

Seungmin nods slowly in an exaggerated manner against his hands so that I can catch it. And I can’t tell entirely due to the dim lights, and with his short hair falling over them, but I can almost swear I see the tips of his ears redden.

“About us kissing?”

I wish I could see his face as he says this, yet I am more grateful that he cannot see mine as hearing “us” and “kissing” come out of his mouth in the same sentence, once again, has my cheeks burning.

“Errrr… yeah,” I reply awkwardly, causing me to scrunch up my face, cringing at the sound of my own voice. I look up so the ‘ceiling’ of the fort, mouthing ‘fuck’. Condemning myself.

“What about it?” Seungmin counters after a moment, and my eyes fall back onto him. A speck of agitation creeping back in at the seemingly nonchalant response.

I hadn’t really thought this far ahead and don’t really know what to say next - a moment or two passes and I notice Seungmin raise his head ever so slightly to peek at me through his fingers, as though to check I haven’t disappeared. I frown at him playfully, and he mutters another apology before dipping his head again.

Sighing, I force myself to pursue, but of course, it comes out as more of a ramble.

“He obviously says stuff like that all the time and… it’s funny, obviously, because it’s Jooyeon. And I know he’s just teasing, of course, but-”

This is followed by a long, filler ‘errrr’ of some sort as I have second thoughts about continuing. But I know I’m going to end up having to say it anyway.

It comes out slow, and more like a question, “It’s just. What… you said… after?”

Seungmin doesn’t say anything at first. I’m not sure if he’s trying to recall the moment or what. But then he lifts his head again, hands slowly dragging down his face, fingertips coming to rest against his jaw. No clear expression yet his face is slightly red; I can’t tell if it’s out of embarrassment or simply from the heat of his palms.

My eyes fall back to my hands as I twist the tab of the can forward and backwards again, finally weakened enough for it to snap off. I fiddle with it between my fingers, self-conscious.

“Why are you so bothered?”

I daren’t look at him and am unsure from the tone of his voice whether the question is lighthearted, and to meet him with a teasing ‘shut up’ - or if he’s expecting a straight, honest answer.

But I can’t give him an honest answer, because I’m scared of how he’ll react. So I settle for a half-truth.

“I don’t know. I just didn’t expect it, that’s all,” I excuse myself, “Caught me off guard a bit, I guess.”

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” His voice is soft.

Anything but.

“No, no, no, no, no,” I quickly reassure, shaking my head, but still not looking up “, Not at all.”

“Then what is it?”

I place the empty can down just in front of me, both hands now on the tab, and my voice is unnaturally quiet as I admit, “I just want to know why you said it.”

The tension in the air becomes palpable. And every moment of quiet that follows only causes it to intensify. I’m unsure of how to read it, his lack of words with endless possibilities of cause. But my heart feels as though it’s climbing up my throat nonetheless, to the point where it’s making me feel sick. And I’d just wish he’d speak - say anything at this point - as the feeling slowly becomes unbearable.

“I didn’t say it to be weird or anything,” Seungmin finally starts. Then, “I was just teasing you.”

I feel myself deflate.

‘I was just teasing you.’

“Okay,” I say simply, nodding slowly. I look up at him for a second to give him a tight smile as though to say, ‘That’s it then. It’s fine. Problem solved.’ But I honestly wish the ground would swallow me up, or the blankets from the fort would fall right now and suffocate me - not just even out of embarrassment, but disappointment.

Everything hurts. Because it didn’t mean anything to him. Whilst the stupid, rash comment meant everything to me. It was never just the thought of him wanting to kiss me, but everything else that could have meant. That he could possibly feel even a fraction of what I feel for him.

I need to get out.

I grab my phone, “I’m still going to go, though, because I-”

“I’m not finished.”

Oh.

Phone back on the floor, I catch the way Seungmin rubs his hands together before wiping his palms on his thighs. His head is down, but I can tell his eyebrows are pinched together tightly.

His hands still, but he won’t look at me. He clears his throat.

“I just wanted to see your reaction,” he continues, “but then you wouldn’t even look at me and I couldn’t tell if I made things awkward between us or-”

My nerves spike again, and I flip the tab between my fingers repeatedly.

He swallows hard, “I don’t know.”

I go to question him, but then he begins to ramble, hands clasped together, gesturing with even point he makes, “but then you wouldn’t even talk to me either, and then you wanted to leave, and I thought I definitely fucked up. But you just said it didn’t make you uncomfortable and were just caught off guard and…”

He keeps going, but I’m barely listening, still stuck on the first part.

I shift my focus to the tab in my hand, as my mind attempts to skip over every possible reason why he’d want to see my reaction - not allowing myself to jump to conclusions. Deciding to let him finish to get a definitive answer, I let my thumb graze over the idents at the base of the tab, a rainbow with a small hole beneath it.

“-but yeah,” he concludes, letting out a shaky breath.

Barely a second passes before I ask, tilting my head at him curiously, “Why did you want to see my reaction?” I pause, narrowing my eyes, before pushing further, “How did you want me to react?”

He looks up at me momentarily through his lashes before letting out a low, awkward laugh. “Umm…” he hums, and his hands begin wringing again. I glance down at the tab before extending it out to him with one hand in an attempt to calm him. He blinks at it a couple of times before taking it appreciatively, instinctively grazing his own thumb against it.

“I think,” he starts, a coy smile audible through his voice “, because I wanted to see if you’d get all shy and flustered.”

His words grow quieter towards the end out of embarrassment - the unusual behaviour incredibly endearing. I chew on my bottom lip to suppress a smile as part of me is pleased at the idea he’d want to have that effect on me, but then again, he could want that effect on anyone.

“Why?” I question shortly, needing confirmation before I can allow the exhilaration to overcome me. He raises his head faintly.

The look he gives me is pointed, yet amusingly so. Eyebrows furrowed in mock annoyance, one slightly raised - but his face is beautifully flushed and the corner of his lip twitches slightly as he tries not to smile. It’s a look that says, ‘What do you think, idiot?’

Oh my god.

I laugh genuinely, first at the face; But then, as the silent confession sinks in, I can’t wipe the grin from my face, nor silence the giddy giggles that bubble up from my chest. Seungmin watches me with bright eyes, chuckling softly at the sight as I fall back against the duvet, hands concealing my face bashfully as I try to compose myself.

“Oi, get up,” Seungmin orders me between his own laughs, tapping on my knees with the palm of his hands. I move my hands from my face so I can lean up on my elbows to look at him. He shifts his stare to the floor immediately, ears red as he drags the tab across the duvet with his fingers.

Feeling smug at the sudden shift in power, my grin grows somewhat cocky. I tease, “I want to hear you say it.”

He lets out a pleading groan, lifting his arms to dig the heels of his palms into his eyes, lightly dragging out a ‘Whyyy?’

“Come on,” I drag back, plainly enjoying the head-to-head, “We’re both adults here.”

He promptly removes his hands to give me another pointed look, this time as though to say, ‘you can’t talk.’ There’s a stare-down for a short time.

He then wordlessly extends the tab out to me, scooting himself forward so I can reach, knees against my own. I lean up and retrieve the item between my fingers, but just before I can drop back again, he grabs my wrist and pulls me back up.

The action catches me by surprise, and I yelp. I’m ready to scold him, but my complaints halt as the boy’s hand slips from my wrist to hold my hand. His thumb brushes over my fingers, and I shiver, the sudden shift in dynamic giving me whiplash. Wordlessly, his free hand raises to cup my chin, thumb on one cheek, fingers on the other, squishing them ever so slightly.

“I like you,” a playful tone, yet the genuine smile that follows, paired with the tender look in his eyes, hold so much meaning, “a lot.”

And it’s like the rest of the world disappears.

My eyes dart around his face, wishing to capture every detail of him in this moment so I can remember it this clearly forever. The warmth in his gaze is familiar, as though I’ve witnessed a thousand times before, but now with his confession, everything seems to make sense. My next words come easily, having been sat on the tip of my tongue, begging to spill.

“I like you too, Seungmin,” my voice comes out in a whisper, as my eyes fall to his mouth, “so much.”

He catches this, the corners of his lips twitching as his hand moves to cup my left cheek. The other loosens from my hand gently as brings it up to the right. Holding my face as though it’s the most precious thing in the world. The volume of his voice drops to match my own,

“Can I kiss you?”

Please.

I nod without hesitation, my hands reaching forward to grasp the hem of his tank top instinctively, anticipation engulfing every inch of my being. And he leans in, eyes fluttering closed as he tilts his face to capture my lips in a singular, delicate kiss.

My fingers curl under the fabric, just enough to feel the bare skin of his waist against my fingertips. Just enough to confirm to myself that he’s really there. That I’m kissing Seungmin. That this is real - It only lasts a few seconds, but I swear I experience true euphoria for the first time in my life.

And when he pulls back, his eyes glisten with a youthful excitement; his smile mischievous as though a child doing something in secret that he knows he shouldn’t. The thrill of not getting caught, and with his partner in crime.

Shepard began to open her eyes slowly, still in a hazy stupor that came with sleep. She was surprised to find that it was already dark outside, her last memory being from the afternoon. It felt like only minutes had passed, but it must have been hours. She didn’t even have a moment to wake up and make sense of what happened before a noise at the door shot a bolt of adrenaline throughout her entire body.

“Well, don’t you two look cozy?” Maisie said teasingly from the doorway of the Cabin.

Shepard sat up with a jolt, looking down at Kaidan, his eyes still closed, barely aware of what was going on. She had already gathered that they must have ended up falling asleep together as she comforted him, but she hadn’t realised that she was lying right on top of him until right now. She couldn’t even move, she was so baffled as to how she let this happen.

Shepard finally began to feel stirring underneath her as Kaidan was taking longer to wake to the noise than she had. He put a hand on her waist as though it was instinctual. That feeling when you’re in a relationship with someone and the first thing you want to do when you wake up is to seek out that warmth and comfort from them. He’d done it before during the brief time that they actually were together, when touches like that felt so natural. It was yet another thing she missed. He finally began to open his eyes, rubbing the sleep from them with his free hand, and started to look around. He met Shepard’s gaze, and he peeled his hand off of her waist just as instinctively as it had found her only seconds before. He finally looked towards the door to see his sister standing there, looking more thrilled than ever.

“Shit,” Kaidan muttered under his breath as he started to sit up straight.

Shepard agreed with the sentiment for plenty of reasons and moved off of him immediately to sit on her own separate side of the couch, not that it would help matters at this point. She was sure the damage was already done, both of them looking entirely guilty and suspicious.

“Not in a relationship, eh? Holding hands earlier, now catching you on the couch, cuddled up nice and close. Maybe you haven’t been in enough relationships to know what one looks like, but let me tell you, this looks like a relationship to me.” She said it entirely pleased with herself, arms crossed with a cocky confidence on her face.

Kaidan glared back at her, nowhere near as pleased with the accusation.

“I don’t hear you refuting it.”

He rubbed his forehead and let out a huff of air, annoyed by the circumstances. “Damn it, Maisie, you know this is supposed to be my private area.”

“Is that supposed to be you refuting it?” she said with an even bigger grin.

“It’s really not what you think,” Kaidan said, frustration lacing his words. “Besides, you know this area is mine. You shouldn’t be here anyway.”

“Yeah, well, you haven’t been here in years. I kind of took it as my hangout before the war started.”

“I guess that explains all the romance books in here now,” he said in his own teasing tone.

“Oh, shut up. Half of these are yours, and you know it.”

Kaidan let out the slightest snort of laughter, looking amused at the accusation and not denying it.

Shepard turned to him with a smile, entertained by the idea. She had to admit, ever since Kasumi got her into the genre, it had become a guilty pleasure. Maybe they’d have to trade favourites later.

“Oh my god, you guys are totally smitten,” Maisie said, noticing the look on Shepard’s face. “There’s no way you’re going to convince me that you’re not together now.”

Kaidan stared at his feet, letting out a sigh.

“Oh come on, is it really that bad that I figured this out? I already told you, if you’re keeping this a secret because of the regs, you should know that no one’s going to report you here,” Maisie said, earnestly.

Kaidan glared at her. It was clear that he had given up on trying to convince her otherwise. The evidence was stacked against them anyway thanks to their earlier antics and this mishap.

“All right. Be that way then,” Maisie said, unsatisfied with not getting an admission of guilt out of either of them, yet still pleased with herself for ‘figuring it out.’ “But anyway, I’m only here because you weren’t answering your omni-tool. Mom’s been trying to call you. She’s gotten your room ready,” she said, another grin forming on her face. “Though, I suspect neither of you will be needing much sleep tonight.”

“That’s enough, Maisie,” Kaidan said, not liking what she was implying.

“Fine. I’ll just leave you to it then,” she said with a wink before she finally left.

Kaidan let out a long frustrated sigh, resting his head on the back of the couch in defeat.

Shepard leaned forward, rubbing her forehead, upset with how bad of a mess they had gotten themselves into. She already felt like it was a mistake to hold his hand earlier, wondering how much she’d complicated their predicament, but now it seemed like any “relationship” between the two of them was practically undeniable. Not only that, but if she thought holding hands was an intimate gesture, what did that say about falling asleep on top of someone? She couldn’t help feeling like she crossed some kind of line. At least this didn’t happen on purpose. She knew that Kaidan would be understanding of it. That did nothing to help her inner thoughts of wishing she had woken up snuggled up next to him in a way that wasn’t an accident, though. Another regret to add on top of the growing pile since agreeing to come here. It was too easy to be drawn towards him when they were around each other. That didn’t exactly make it easy for her to maintain the romantic distance that she wanted to.

Kaidan finally stood up from the couch, and she took that as a signal to follow suit. They looked at each other somewhat awkwardly, before they both said, “I’m sorr-” at the same time.

They both let out an embarrassed laugh, the tension dissipating slightly.

“I’m not even sure what happened,” she said, genuinely confused at how easily they had fallen asleep and nuzzled up to each other.

Kaidan shook his head as a way to absolve her from any guilt. “Me neither, but uh… thank you, Jane.”

‘Jane.’ The last time he had ever called her that was at Apollo’s when he was asking if she wanted to try being in a relationship again. Ever since her rejection, it had been nothing but ‘Shepard.’ Perhaps she was reading too much into it. It was just her name after all, and this was a more personal setting than a warship. He was bound to be a little more relaxed here. There was no reason that it should have meant anything. The rational explanation behind it did nothing to stop her heart from fluttering at the idea.

“I think I really needed that,” he said, looking genuinely thankful. “And it means a lot that you stayed.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said with a curt nod. What she wanted to say was that she’d be there for him any time he needed it. That she’d hold his hand and wipe away his tears, and that he wouldn’t have to feel alone. Instead, she went for something genuine but stayed in appropriate territory. “Your dad sounds like he was an amazing man.”

“He was. I was lucky to have him,” Kaidan said before stepping out of the way of the door, and showing her out.

They walked silently in the dark towards the house, the air was noticeably more chill than it was earlier in the day. She figured Maisie was probably right. She didn’t think there would be much of any sleep to be had, though not for the reasons that Maisie had been insinuating. She anticipated a night full of tossing and turning, contemplating what it was like to wake up in Kaidan’s arms again after so long. His scent was still lingering in her nose, and she could still feel his warmth. He provided a sense of safety and comfort that she missed. She’d never regretted her rejection of him at Apollo’s more than she did right now, after having a taste of what she’d been missing out on this whole time.

“Hey, uh, before we get back to the house, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry with everything that’s happened with Maisie.”

Shepard looked over to him in disbelief. “Why are you the one apologising? You didn’t do anything wrong. I seem to remember being the one mistakenly thinking it would be funny to hold your hand earlier.”

“Well, I also went along with it. I’ll admit, I thought it was actually pretty funny given how she was acting at lunch, but now it looks like we’ve dug ourselves into a bit of a weird hole here.”

Shepard let out a sigh. “Yeah,” she dragged out. “I’m not really sure how we’re going to get out of this one,” she said with a smirk, trying to at least find the humour in it.

“After what she just saw, I don’t know if there is a way out of it. When she’s convinced of something, it’s hard to sway her mind,” Kaidan said with a small laugh. “I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable about us waking up like that, and her making assumptions.”

She did feel uncomfortable, but not because of any of that. The more significant issue for her was how strong her feelings for Kaidan had become. It was the same reason she worried about coming out here this whole time. She could ignore how she felt about him when she was stuck in London, but with everything that’s happened since seeing him in Vancouver again, it was becoming increasingly more difficult to deny how she felt.

“It was an honest mistake. I don’t particularly mind, I just hope that it doesn’t cause problems for you,” she countered.

“Nah, I can’t imagine that it would. I’m almost certain that Maisie’s already told the rest of the family, but they tend to leave well enough alone. I honestly don’t know if they’d believe her or not, but I do know they won’t make as big of a deal out of it if they do. At least they won’t be rubbing it in.”

Shepard nodded in acknowledgement, accepting that answer. She figured with everything Maisie had seen, it could lead to that kind of thing anyway.

“Are you sure you’re okay with all of this?”

Shepard smiled sympathetically at that. Now she was also upset for making Kaidan feel guilty about everything. “It’s really not a big deal. I’m still just grateful to have a place to stay for now, so I don’t mind putting up with some harmless rumours, especially when I’m the one that poked the fire in the first place. We should probably quit joking around, though,” she said, not wanting to make matters worse.

Kaidan nodded in agreement. “Probably a good idea,” he said as they finally reached the house. “But anyway, I suppose now is as good a time as any to show you my old room.”

“After you,” Shepard said with a smile as they went into the house and up the stairs, the old wood creaking under their feet as they went.

They finally reached a door that Shepard had to presume went to Kaidan’s room. He opened it and stepped in, waiting for her to follow. The first thing she noticed was the bed. That’s right. She had forgotten that they would have to be sharing.

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out,” Kaidan said, noticing Shepard studying the sleeping arrangements.

The bed was big enough for both of them. Shepard had half a mind to say that they’d already fallen asleep together on the couch, so what was sharing a bed at this point? She thought better of it, but that didn’t change the fact that the bed was, in fact, big enough for the two of them.

“We can sleep head to toe. Just like in combat training, right?” Shepard said, punching him in the arm lightly, and incredibly awkwardly, as though he were her guy pal, reminiscing about the old days in the Alliance. She immediately regretted it and wanted to chastise herself for not knowing how to handle herself around him. She was upset for acting like this was some school-aged crush again. She kept her mouth shut, knowing that if she let anything escape it, her voice would crack. Luckily, Kaidan didn’t seem to react as though it were all that strange.

“Only if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” she said after clearing her throat awkwardly.

“All right, I guess that solves that. I’ll take the foot.”

Still being chivalrous as always. At least that wasn’t the worst compromise in the world, so Shepard just accepted the offer graciously.

“There’s an ensuite bathroom over here, which was a blessing growing up with three sisters.”

Shepard laughed at that. She wasn’t much for vanity, but she knew it could still take a long time to get ready, and she could imagine that it would have been a pain having to fight over the bathroom with three sisters. “I guess I’m lucky that I mostly only ever had to share one with my mom,” Jane said with a smile.

“Yeah. It was never fun when we all went to the apartment in Vancouver. We didn’t have the luxury of having so many bathrooms there,” he said, looking through the closet. “Looks like mom already brought our bags up,” he said, pointing to them on the shelf. “Otherwise, this is it. This is where I grew up,” Kaidan said with a wistful smile, pointing to the room by way of giving her permission to look around.

That encouraged Shepard to give it a proper examination. She had never really given much thought to where he must have grown up, but the more she looked around, the more she could see little pieces of him. She walked over to a poster on his wall and turned back at him.

“An Alliance recruitment poster?”

Kaidan tried to contain the smile that spread across his face. “Listen, I haven’t redecorated in a while.”

Shepard looked at him with mirth in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to tease. I had one in my room growing up, too. Mine didn’t last as long. You know, constantly reassigned to boarding school, or wherever my mom was stationed. Eventually, it just got lost in the shuffle. Otherwise, who knows? Maybe mine would still be up, too,” she said, almost surprised by the similarity. “Crazy to think we’re on these posters now, isn’t it?”

“You could say that again. When I joined the military, I didn’t exactly expect to become a face of the Alliance.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Shepard said. They both knew the problem all too well since they saw Libby’s reaction.

Shepard glanced around the room more. There were a few medals and trophies displayed and some art and pictures of his family. He had some more books and datapads organized neatly on a bookshelf with a nice desk by the window. She also noticed the blackout curtains. Probably for his migraines whenever he’d get them at home. Every little piece she picked out, felt very much like him.

“I like it,” she said as she finished looking around and turned back to him.

“Thanks. It’s nothing fancy or anything, but it was mine,” he said with a smile.

Another awkward silence passed between them, Kaidan brushing the hairs on the back of his neck with his hand.

“Well, anyway, it’s getting late,” he said. “Not sure if you’re tired or not, but I think I’m going to settle in for the night.”

“I could sleep.” It was a lie. She’d never been more awake in her life. Still, she figured being restless in bed was better than being left alone with Maisie and some potentially prodding questions that she didn’t feel like answering.

“Okay. You can have this bathroom. I’ll take the one across the hall.”

“Thanks,” she said with a smile as she brushed passed him towards her bag.

She got changed and cleaned up as fast as she possibly could, not wanting to leave Kaidan waiting on her. She made her way back out into the room and made her way over to the bed. She hadn’t even thought about it, but habit took her to the right side, where she sat down gently, almost regretting it immediately. They hadn’t shared a bed together for all that long. It was really only briefly during their shore leave after defeating Saren, but the habit of having a side of the bed had stuck. It had become her side of the bed, even when there was no one else in it, leaving space for its rightful owner.

She looked at the empty side solemnly, wondering if it would be awkward for him that she chose this side. Maybe he wouldn’t even notice. She hoped she was overthinking the whole thing.

Then he walked into the room, as though he was summoned by her thoughts, not even giving her a chance to reconsider. Her head turned towards him, trying to see if he noticed.

“Already chosen a side of the bed, I see.”

That answered her question. “Yeah. I hope you don’t mind,” was all she decided to say. Letting him in on her thoughts would do neither of them any good.

“Of course not. I’m flexible, so whatever you prefer is fine,” he said, moving to the other side.

He sat down, and Shepard could feel the bed dip slightly on the other side, his back directly to hers as they both stared at opposite sides of the room. All of the memories of them settling into bed came flooding back to her, and the tension was almost too much for her to bear.

Luckily, the torture wasn’t extended as she finally felt Kaidan grab for a pillow from the head of the bed and put it towards the foot, lifting up the blankets and settling in.

“Goodnight, Jane,” he said, prompting her to look at him. He gave her a warm smile. “Don’t hesitate to wake me if you need anything.”

After finishing the lunch that Ada and Libby prepared, Shepard and Kaidan made sure to stay long enough to help put away the leftover food and clean up all of the dishes. Ada shooed them out the door the moment they were done helping so they could go enjoy themselves.

As they walked out the back door, Shepard immediately had a better view of the orchard than when they landed. It spanned for kilometres and was met with a pine forest along the edges, proving that this was a much larger property than she had imagined. Growing up in space, learning about agriculture wasn’t particularly high on the list of learning priorities, so she really had no idea what to expect. Seeing the scope of it first-hand was surprising. The additional view of the hills and mountains in the distance was enough to make her feel small, which wasn’t an easy feeling to achieve after seeing the vastness of space. She had to pause and take it all in.

The sun was out, which was nice considering they only just escaped the rain that had started pouring that same morning back in Vancouver. Spring had only just started, so the sun blanketed them in a pleasant warmth to contrast the cooler temperatures and the light breeze surrounding them. The weather and the scenery couldn’t have been more perfect. She had to credit Libby with having impeccable taste when it came to choosing a time and place to have a wedding.

After taking in the initial scenery, Kaidan started walking, leading the way at a slow and relaxed pace. He waited for Shepard to match him before leading her towards the apple trees.

“So… that was… uh,” Kaidan stammered.

“Interesting?”

“That’s one way to put it,” he said with a slight smile.

“Don’t worry about it. It was fine,” she said, trying to be reassuring. She didn’t want him to feel more guilty than he already did about Maisie’s misunderstanding or the fact that his family had such a shocked reaction to her at first.

“I’m sorry, were we in the same room?” he asked with a lighthearted laugh.

“All right. Yeah, that was a bit of a disaster, wasn’t it? Happy now?” she asked, teasingly.

“As long as we’re on the same page about it,” he said with a smirk. “I’m sure mom will have a talk with Maisie. It’ll probably be fine.”

“Ah. ‘Probably.’ I’m feeling very reassured here, Kaidan.”

“Well, you saw how she reacted. She’s not one to let an idea go easily once she’s made up her mind about something, but she’s harmless enough. Even if it were true, she wouldn’t be selling that information to the tabloids or anything. She’s way too loyal and protective to do anything like that,” he said, somewhat amused before turning his tone more serious. “But then there’s everyone else’s reaction.”

“They were just taken off guard. I get it.”

He turned to her and let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I still can’t believe I didn’t expect that reaction though, because I probably should have.”

“It wasn’t all that bad,” she said, almost believing it herself. “Especially with the way lunch went, I think they calmed down a bit.”

Kaidan nodded in agreement. “They really are a good bunch once you get to know them,” he said as they continued their leisurely pace towards the trees.

“If you’re anything to go by, they can’t be all that bad,” she said with a smile before she realised what she said could have come off as being flirtatious, which is the last thing she wanted. Damn her heart speaking before her brain. An awkward moment of silence passed between them before she cleared her throat. “I just hope I haven’t complicated things too much. I didn’t even think about the fact that I might be stealing Libby’s thunder or anything.”

Kaidan looked at her then. “You heard that, eh?” he asked, sounding guilty. “Yeah, I didn’t even think about that possibility. I’m sure we can think of something to make it up to her. She usually needs some space to cool down, though, so it’s probably best to give her some time.”

Shepard nodded at that. She really didn’t mean to cause such an upset for something that was supposed to be such an important moment in his sister’s life. If worst came to worst, she would end up excusing herself from the wedding anyway. She wasn’t about to be ruffling any feathers at a time like this. She knew Kaidan wouldn’t be happy with that idea. He would have hated for her to be excluded after he invited her here, so she kept it to herself for now. Her thoughts faded into the background as she realised that they finally reached the treeline.

“That’s where the reception’s going to be,” he said, pointing towards a barn off to the side of them, then he turned back to the orchard’s treeline. “And I think this area right here is where Libby’s going to get married. We’ll mow the grass and set up some chairs. She’ll probably walk out from the house, and get married with that view in the background,” he said, pointing to the mountains.

“She certainly has good taste,” Shepard said, taking a glance around the area. Something caught her attention, and she noticed someone standing on the porch watching them out of the corner of her eye. “Don’t look now, but there’s a target at our six,” she said jokingly.

“You don’t say,” Kaidan returned, picking up on the playful banter, determined to play coy along with Shepard, and not turn around to chastise whichever sister it was.

“If I had to venture a guess, I’d say it was Maisie,” Jane said under her breath with a smirk.

“If I had to guess, I’d say you’re probably right,” he said with mirth, shaking his head at his sister and her antics.

“Should we mess with her?” Shepard asked with an evil grin.

Kaidan looked to her with a mix of intrigue and hesitation. “For the record, Maisie’s basically a big child, so the answer to that question is almost always a ‘yes,’” he said with a quiet chuckle.

Shepard nodded, the devilish grin still firmly on her face, as she reached for Kaidan’s hand with her own, gently intertwining their fingers. She immediately revelled in the warmth of his palm against hers, coinciding with an almost immediate sense of regret. Clearly, she hadn’t thought this through. Holding hands was an intimate gesture, and she suddenly realised how big of a mistake she just made. She looked back up to him, not knowing what to do, her evil expression faltering slightly. Kaidan didn’t seem to notice, trying to act as nonchalant as possible to play along with it.

“You sure stepped in it now, Shepard,” he said with a grin, matching her own.

“Yeah,” she said, dragging out the word. “I’m starting to realise that. I may not have fully thought out the repercussions of this.”

“Well, not much more to do now than let it play out,” he said with a smile still plastered to his face. At least he didn’t look as perturbed with the idea of it as she was. “We should head up this way. There’s something I want to show you.”

“Sounds good,” she barely managed to get out before she felt a gentle tug at her hand as Kaidan started to guide them.

They slowly made their way up a small hill past the apple trees. She figured he was probably taking it so leisurely today thanks to her leg being stiff. Kaidan’s thoughtfulness was one of the many qualities that she admired about him, but in this particular instance, she couldn’t help but wish they were moving a little faster. All she could think about was how long her hand had already been safely cradled in his, and how much this ‘prank’ had crossed some kind of line. She could feel the sweat beading between their palms like this was some school-aged crush. Maybe the torture she felt was a fair punishment for doing something so foolish.

He led her towards the outer edge of the pine forest that bordered a corner of their land, and as they got far enough away from the house, she felt his fingers slip out of hers. It was exactly what she wanted, yet somehow, the air now bit at the flesh of her palm. The loss of contact stung as much as the thought of maintaining it. She put her hand in her pocket as a way to distract herself from the sensation of it.

“Is this all part of your property, too?” She asked. She was genuinely curious, but also mostly just wanted to try to forget about what just happened.

“Some of it. The forest extends beyond our border, but the neighbours are really good about sharing it. We won’t be going that far today, though.”

She nodded in acknowledgement, still amazed at the contrast of upbringings they had.

They continued to walk along a small path briefly. She even noticed lights following the trail, implying that it must be one that’s used frequently. It didn’t take long before they reached a clearing with a tiny log cabin right in the middle.

Shepard paused in her tracks, taking in their new surroundings briefly. “This is also yours, I take it?”

Kaidan turned to her, with a soft smile on his face. “Yeah,” he said with a nod. “It’s one of my favourite things here. This is what I wanted to show you,” he said pointing towards the cabin as they walked closer towards it.

The exterior of the cabin left a lot to be desired, though, she had to admit it had a rustic charm. The setting was very calming and private, so she could understand the appeal. It seemed perfectly suited to Kaidan, so no wonder this was one of his favourite spots.

Kaidan led them inside the cabin. It was a relatively simple structure with only one small room. Clearly not meant to be a livable building by any means. Not for any extended periods, anyway. There was a decent looking couch opposite the entrance. Maybe a little dusty, but still in good condition considering it’s been staying in a building that hasn’t been maintained for who knows how long. There was a coffee table, some end tables, and a couple of boxes of what looked like old books strewn about. The air was stale, but Shepard figured it could look pretty quaint with a bit of tidying up. She wasn’t about to disturb anything, but she could picture it being a cozy place to spend an afternoon.

“Why don’t you have a seat and relax for a second,” he said, before opening the curtains and windows to let some natural light in and air out the room.

Shepard followed his direction and sat on the couch, only to have unsettled a small cloud of dust. She coughed slightly and waved her hand around to dissipate any remnants in the air before brushing off the cushion next to her in order for Kaidan to sit down without a repeat of events.

“Thanks,” he said with a genuine smile as he sat next to her on the cushion that she cleaned off.

“I’ve gotta say, Kaidan, this is pretty nice.”

“Yeah. I always liked it.”

“So, is this one of those childhood forts that all you Earth kids got to have?”

Kaidan huffed out a laugh at that. “Not exactly. This is probably pretty luxurious for something like that. And I think it’s pretty rare for us Earth kids to actually get something like a fort out in the woods.”

She nodded with a smile. She was sure he had a point, but her only reference for that kind of thing was from the vids and extranet searches when she was young. She wasn’t exactly the most well versed on planetside upbringings. She was silent after that. Clearly, there was more to this place than meets the eye, and he brought her out here for a reason.

“Sounds like there must be a story about this?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yeah- yeah, there is.”

Kaidan tried to relax into the couch a bit more, and looked out through the window, appearing as though he was trying to distract himself. Shepard silently waited for him to continue, seeing that it was already a difficult story for him.

“Well… you know about Jump Zero.”

That caught her off guard, not expecting this to have anything to do with that. This really was going to be serious then. “Yeah,” she said quietly.

“I know I’ve told you about Vyrnnus before, but we never really discussed what things were like after that.”

Shepard immediately felt guilty. She didn’t mean to dredge up old memories. “Kaidan, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No. It’s okay,” he said, with that wistful smile again. “That time in my life was hard. I won’t lie about that. I mean, I killed a man in cold blood, Shepard.”

“It wasn’t your fault. He was a man abusing his power. Abusing children. You were protecting someone you cared about.”

“Yeah. I know that now,” he said solemnly, nodding his head in affirmation. “It was a bit more complicated at the time, though. I mean, I was sure I had done the right thing, but then Rahna, well, she made me feel like I was some kind of monster. When I came back home, I wasn’t exactly myself anymore. Obviously, I was in therapy, but therapy really isn’t any good unless you accept the help, you know?”

Shepard nodded quietly, understanding the sentiment. She sat intently, studying his features as she listened to what he had to say.

“But anyway, I was only seventeen. I didn’t know how to handle that, and I was too stubborn to actually use the help that was given to me. I was dangerously close to losing myself to the rage that pushed me over the edge that day when I killed Vyrnnus. Either that or getting lost in a deep pit of depression, knowing that I had the power to so easily take away something as precious as someone’s life. I started secluding myself away from my family. I thought I was a danger to them. Siblings can be annoying. I didn’t want to snap at them and lose control again, so I stayed away, hidden in my room most of the time.”

“Obviously, my parents picked up on the fact that therapy wasn’t helping. My dad took me to stay in our apartment on English Bay for a while, just the two of us. I was still angry, and I didn’t know why he brought me out there. He found me one afternoon out on the deck, and he had a case of lager with him. That was the first time I ever had a beer,” he said with a faltering smile. “In retrospect, I don’t know if it was all that smart giving alcohol to a seventeen-year-old with an attitude problem. I guess he had a plan, though, and he knew what he was doing.”

Shepard smiled regretfully. Kaidan’s dad sounded like an amazing man, and someone she wished she could have gotten the chance to meet.

“I think at first, he mostly took me out there to give me some space and try to let me cool off, but he knew that wasn’t going to be enough for me. I think the alcohol was supposed to be a kind of peace offering, knowing that I needed something big to snap me out of it and get me to open up. I think it was supposed to almost be symbolic in a way, letting me drink alcohol like that even before the legal drinking age. He was trying to show me that he trusted me and let me know that I was capable of being responsible with something like that. I didn’t fully realise it at the time, though, you know, but it worked. It was enough to calm me down and be willing to listen to what he had to say.”

Shepard just watched him speak, sad that Kaidan had to go through something like that so young.

“We sat there for a while before he started talking, but then out of nowhere, he told me that he was lucky. I had to stare at him, not having a clue what he was talking about, but then he continued, saying that he left the Alliance before first contact was ever made, so he never even had to be at war. He had done all the training and was well aware of the toll that taking a life can have on a person, but that he was lucky to never have had to do it himself. And then he told me that he was sorry. Sorry that I had to experience something so awful that young. Sorry that he couldn’t relate to me or offer me any words of wisdom. Sorry that he ever let me go up to Jump Zero in the first place,” Kaidan said, his eyes becoming a bit watery. “He said he regretted it. That the turians were trying to make us out to be dangerous and that since humans didn’t have any experience with biotics that I had to go. They said it was the only option for me to learn to control myself. He said there was always something that felt wrong about it, and that he wished he had fought harder to have been able to keep me here with them, but that biotics was just so new and he had no idea what to do about it, but that he made a mistake.”

Kaidan paused for a moment before continuing. “Then he said that he was proud of me. He said that the fact that I had taken a life was something that would likely weigh on me for the rest of mine. That it was important to remember that it wasn’t an action done entirely in cold blood like I thought. That I was standing up for something I believed in, and that I was trying to protect innocent lives. He did go on to say that the situation was more complicated than he knew what to do with. That it was still important for me to learn control and how to deal with my emotions. He didn’t say so specifically, but I think that was his way of pushing me to try harder in therapy. I listened to what he had to say. It was still hard for me to understand it at the time, but I knew he was right. It was better than the pit I had dug myself into, trying to hide away from everyone.”

Shepard continued to listen intently. Kaidan clearly seemed to want to get this off of his chest, and the least she could do was be there for him, but it pained her to see him reliving such a difficult time in his life.

“I kind of thought that would be the end of it. Like it was my dad’s way of relieving his own burden, so he wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore, just as much as it was meant to persuade me to do better for myself. I almost expected him to wash his hands of me and pass me off to the therapist then. I think I must have just had a hard time knowing what to trust back then, having felt abandoned at Jump Zero once already. It almost felt like my dad was about to be doing it to me all over again with the therapist. I should have listened to him better and trusted him, because of course I was wrong.”

“After we came back to the orchard, he had arranged for a bunch of supplies to be delivered during my first appointment back in therapy. As soon as I got back home, he brought me out here to a bunch of tools and logs and schematics. I think he tried to pass it off as innocently as possible. He said that he knew I was a teenage boy in a house packed full of women, so he knew I needed my privacy. Somewhere to be quiet and contemplate things. So this became our project—a place to be my own, away from everyone else when things got difficult. We came out here and built a little bit every day for a couple months. It probably took us a lot longer than it would for a professional since I didn’t know anything about tools, and he was trying to teach me along the way. Eventually, he even encouraged me to use my biotics to our advantage with it, lifting the logs and trying to place them accurately. He taught me a lot about being patient and learning control,” he said, glancing back to Shepard now, his eyes beginning to shimmer with unshed tears.

“I haven’t been back to this cabin since… well, since he-” he cut himself off, not able to continue.

“Oh, Kaidan,” Shepard said softly with a hint of shock flooding her voice. He hadn’t even had a chance to truly mourn his own father yet with how busy he’s been since the end of the war. Here she was intruding on something deeply personal again. “I should go. You should have some privacy,” she said as she started to adjust herself to get up and leave.

“No, wait,” he said, while simultaneously reaching out to grab her hand, and pulling her back slightly to get her to sit back down again. “Please stay,” he said, with the slightest hint of a pleading tone in his voice. It wasn’t something that Shepard was used to hearing from him. Even when he feared the worst about his father in the observation lounge on the Normandy, he kept his resolve.

She relaxed back into her seat, clasping his hand tightly within hers, trying to exude some level of comfort for him. “Okay,” she said softly. “I will.”

He nodded slowly, before relaxing slightly again, not releasing his hand from hers even still. “I miss him, Shepard. I never even got to say goodbye.”

“I know,” she whispered as she grazed her thumb ever so slightly over his skin. It was the only way she knew how to attempt to take his pain away without crossing that boundary into something more intimate again.

They sat there in silence for a few more moments. She didn’t really know what to say in a situation like this. Of course, she had experienced loss in her own life, too. More than most people’s fair share, even. She’d even lost her own father, but none of it was exactly comparable to this. Kaidan lost one of his lifelines. One of the only people who was capable of bringing him out of one of the darkest times in his life. How was she supposed to be able to comfort him in a time like this?

“It hurts, Shepard,” he said, a tear finally shedding down his face.