well. it is going to be some time before I am willing to speak to my mother again.
I spent about 18 hours crafting the most meticulous, diplomatic, low-blame, I-statements, level-headed, "I feel hurt by this specific thing" resolution-oriented message that I could possible put together
and my mom's response was. worse than I possibly could have imagined her capable of saying to me. not even my anxiety could have conceived of a response that bad.
and, yknow, it's good to realize. she actually is so allergic to acknowledging my feelings that when I express them as carefully as I can, she'd rather whip out things I said as an 11-year-old and send me miles of texts listing out all these things she thinks I did wrong over the entire course of my life dating back to when I was a child
and it's disappointing, but I feel an odd sense of calm about it
she's dying and if this is the type of relationship she wants to have with me for the rest of her days, then we can have that
I was trying to have a relationship where we spoke about things more openly and where I voiced my feelings instead of ignoring them. but she's demonstrated that she doesn't want that, so we just won't have that. if there's nothing I can say that will make her hear me, then at least I no longer have to try to be heard
I will speak to her again, inevitably. I will still go down to visit. but she broke something, and I just won't be open with her anymore. and that's her loss.
