#o300

i did wonder if i'd find you here. please, take your place in this poetic moment before everything changes again.

here, i grieve you.

i am sorry for the way i loved you the second time around.

you are the best of me, my other half, my puzzle piece, and my matching soul in a way no one will ever compare or understand. you and i know this to be true.

in all your love and faith, i’d have broken down and rebuilt heaven for you. i'd have sent god away for You to take his place. i would have ripped wings from my back to join you, even at your feet, and held eternity there just for us.

how could i ever wonder if you would do the same?

love, in all it's simplicity, binds us together as two parts whole. but faith is what heaven is made of.

faith, woven from the moments between us before. the way you drove to see me at every chance, the way i feel when you laugh, the songs we sang, and the sacred rituals we shared. the light and the hope in the darkest places.

i'd have built something so beautiful for you at the cost of myself.

in it, the devil would consider my long debt paid.

to cut a vaguely biblical metaphor short, i cannot live on love alone. i won't abide by any more tears in this short life of mine. yes, i was made to love you and love you i've done with all the righteousness of my heart. what a beautiful fucking four years you gave me. and what a fucking gift i will treasure til my mind is gone and i’ve returned to you in heaven as a fascinating tragedy for the person who comes next.

can we have that be all it is? will you let me?

maybe it feels like i gave up the fight so soon, and maybe you'll resent me for it. there are two people who stood in my way and it's not who you might expect.

a girl, young teenager, stuck in endless loops of unrequited love and dreaming of the day someone would say ‘i love you’ and kiss her with all the innocence of a long life ahead.

a woman, older than me, considering her life and all the decisions she made that eventually built her character into someone she's proud to be, regardless of her regrets.

they helped me to answer the question. who am i? who do i want to be?

someone who goes back on a chance, loving with zealotry, ever staring down the crack in the mirror with hope it'll one day fade?

or someone who goes forward on a chance, asking life to bring new days, moving with love that flows endlessly from within?

i’m sorry. unfortunately, you've changed me for the better. why not prove me wrong one day, why not come back in a few years and let's make up for it all with incredible sex and words grander than they've ever been. i hope you'll meet a woman with strong values, conviction, a balanced life and an endless hope.

you have got to step forward, my love, towards a new day waiting for you to enter. take the world in those beautiful hands and feel everything. be mine forever, as i’ll be yours, but go and love again.

in the beginning, leatherbound, exalted stories of the past, you are willing, i am without fear that this is the first and last. clear as day, i will remember our euphoria on a page, the devil may chase me for years before this debt will be repaid.

i reminisce with cautious joy, on warped and untuned strings, as our joined hands and these moments are such fragile things.

had you known where i was then, saved from self-loathing mistake, you guided me, arriving here in all your perfect shape. that pure, divine hope raised me from a wretch of despair, a godless thing brought high  in the ecstasy of prayer. 

lay down for me your offering, your low and teasing words, turned to the half-rhymes of my soul in mismatched verse. never has a bird so fast flown toward the winter south. on eager wings beating, left your name on my mouth.

oh, the summer started then. and as my skin began to burn, you had so much to teach and yet you have much more to learn.  secrets held for merely months will be buried with my bones. would i recognise that wine-dark gaze over a garden of stones?

a man whose tender trigger finger aims a bullet in my chest, whose halo warms my body and lulls my mind into rest. armed still, and wanting as i write him into my skin. the lord himself has blessed the words and the ink within.

remember this, remember well thou art in heaven, he cries, but the lord of hells is coming, and he will not be denied. bliss, my love, is all we have, it may come in strange forms, the beauty of the sunlit sea and the orchestra of storms.

find me at nine in the evening

when the moon is low in the sky

a nervous, careful anticipation

like threading a needle’s eye

by ten, the beach is secluded

the beckoning dark of the sea

draws us in on a fine string

until then, i’ve never felt so free

eleven has us dizzy, reeling

almost touching, drying wet

take me home for a moment

but this night isn’t over yet

adrenaline heats the midnight

let’s find someplace to go

still gently veiling the truth

somewhere only we know

one hour into new tomorrow

these feelings are left implied

tell me nothing and everything

swing under the stars by my side

a fragile two in the morning

the cold rides on the breeze

skin shivering, goosebumps

but we’re both easy to please

spend three o’clock with you

warm by your presence alone

i’m learning how you’re living

and all that’s left unknown

four brings fleeting thunder

elusive as the right words to say

still, we chase it into sunrise

smiling, fighting the sleep away

at five, the air is thin but full

of what we haven’t said

the clouds are a beautiful thing

a hard place to rest your head

the world starts to wake at six

the sun isn’t quite as shy

yawning, resolve weakens

but not ready to say goodbye

seven is back at yours

so close next to me again

sleeping, sweet, content

through eight, nine and ten

slow-moving eleven o’clock

waking to someone there

wrapped up in tenderness

a question hangs in the air

midday feels so different

agreed i’ll go about my day

walk with me in the woods

you seem satisfied to stay

one p.m comes and goes

i’m used to having you around

private, simple, but unspoken

like we’re lost and found

then it’s two in the afternoon

hold my promise to make

i just want you near me

even happily half awake

but you were gone by three

now i’m composing this rhyme

dizzy with how i feel about you