#nycshadowdiary

Today I went canoeing with my cousins. Jordy was there too and I was okay, but I wasn't at the same time because i haven't spend so much time together in a long time. I always prevented being too close to him.  Today I couldn't prevent that today. I kept wondering if he even really remembers all of it. I do. God, I do. And I feel stupid for thinking about it, I feel stupid for everything. After all this time there is still a part of me that blames myself and I hate that.  I tried to ignore all of it, the raging black cloud inside me and it kind of worked. I had a fun day, we got wet, my sister fell in a bunch of times which was quite satisfactory. My older cousins were really nice and asked me about school and my driving test and really listened. We had fries after and they drove me and my sister home.  I feel alright, even though this was a day full of painful memories and keeping everything inside of me. Sometimes letting go and try to forget really helps and that is exactly what I tried to do. 

Also, this morning when I went online on tumblr, I read a bunch of posts full of hateful comments on John Green. This afternoon I tried to understand again, but I've given up. Do you understand, it was something about misogeny and shit and frankly, I don't even care. I like him and will continue to like him and his books because they mean so much to me.