#nutrimed

Today was tough. Today was a battle for me.

I woke up late, didn’t have time to wash my hair or run errands before work as I had planned. 1st setback for the control freak that I am —-> I decided to take two shakes at once at work

I got there and had a million personal things to do. I realized my finances are tight. I’m going to have to get a loan or postpone some expenses, which is quite unexpected. As of now I can’t pay my next credit card bill. —-> I enquired about the loan and calmed the F down.

I got my paycheck realizing it’s less than usual (50$ less). I called in to ask why, turns out it’s the taxes on the 120$ fitness subsidy my work offers. Ok so can they just give me the net subsidy ? —-> never mind

Then came a big blow. I spoke to a former colleague. At my former job, there is this girl and a senior manager who’ve been dating for a while. I knew because that girl, S, told my beloved C about it. And C couldn’t keep her mouth shut and told me, 8 months ago. Anyways this other colleague tells me she now knows about this. It took me back 8 months ago, to that night where C told me. When she unexpectedly attended a party I was at. Where she seductively ordered me wine that I loved. Where she was so sweet and nice to me and we both cancelled our plans for the evening to stay at this party. And then we drank and smoked and laughed through the evening. I felt pretty. I felt fabulous. I felt a million bucks. And at the end of the night she came home and slept in the spare room. She did call her lover before but he was an ass to her so she came home with me. Told me some secrets on the way. Told me she loved sex too much. The next morning I came to her room. And told her something intimate I told very few people. Something deep and disturbing for me. And she hugged me. Took me in her arms while we both lay on our sides on the bed, touched my hair softly and put her leg on top of mine. We spent most of the day watching game of thrones again at home and then we went out. I briefly met her mum. And then we parted.

So this simple conversation with my former colleague brought me back to this night, this intense memory, and I remember how magic it felt. And I almost broke down. I wanted to leave the meeting I was in and cry. Or call my friend P. She’s been through this with me the whole time and I can’t think of what I’d do without her. I was told once that I was very lucky to have someone that could listen to me as frequently as she does. So I almost called her and then I stopped. First she’s not a telephone person. She texts. And I couldn’t just ask her to drop everything to listen to me cry. —-> So I took a few brakes, had a protein shake. And another friend spoke to me online. I told her all that was troubling me. She listened but didn’t say much. It was enough for me. I was still distraught the rest of the day. But I realized how blessed with friends I was and I calmed down.

And then got into this meeting. And learned two things about my new job. 1. Nobody cares about my input 2. None of us make decisions or are involved in those decisions, sometimes not even informed. This was the last stroke. Things have been complicated at work. The project was suspended, everyone is busy fixing things and I don’t know what to do and feel like wasting my time. —-> I was gutted and furious when I left there. But somehow instead of packing and going to Mc Donald’s I went to my counselor. And told her all I had on my heart. She understood, she is going through the same thing. It doesn’t change anything but at least I’ve said it and I’m not alone.

The last thing was calling my sister and once again realizing I can’t trust her to support me. I really needed to talk and she shut me down. —-> At that point I stayed 20 more minutes at work, calming my nerves down, so to avoid running to domino’s and having a calorie fest. It was hard. Very hard for me. Hard like I just wanted to give in and let the food take away the pain and frustration. But deep down I knew I couldn’t. I owed it to myself to resist. This day was the first road on the block but god knows how many there are.

So I got home in the end, heavily debating what to do, what to eat. I had the strength to have a double shake with the tofu noodles I am allowed to have. Had them. Calmed down. Thanked the universe for my fabulous friends, my health and all that I have in this world. And now I’m off to the movies to avoid spending the night alone which will inevitably result in a lot of screen time and dark thoughts.

I want to thank life for giving me such great friends, and for giving me the strength to stand up for myself today and not giving up my healthy plan.