#nursingfail

it is never easy to fail. Its easy to say I wont give up until I pass, in which case I am doing it but to fail and keep failing is never easy especially on my mind or mental state. Depression is a strong word and emotion. It can be felt by people differently but one thing is common with it, you get stuck in a slump and just feel like you cant get out of it. I am sad yes I admit that. I admit that I tried and tried but it wasnt enough. I admit I envy others that are doing better than me and Im suppose to be better or in the same situation but I am not.

I am not smart but I work hard. Lately I feel like I am trying to hard that my mind doesnt want to do it at all. Studying is hard even before but the only difference is I was a student back then and I am an surviving adult now. I know I have the capacity to study and remember and answer questions but for the 6 or 7 time I fail I dont know honestly. Do i deserve to actually be a nurse? I studied hard and worked hard to get that degree even migrating thats all I can think about but how come I cant pass?! I can answer the questions and be close to passing and high or very high chances of passing but the actual exam I cant? what is wrong with me?!?

I am not going to lie did lose hope for a while. I even considered changing careers or focus but my gut and mind still wants be a nurse, a dialysis nurse to be exact. I got the courage again to start over. I called a different Board of Nursing and asked if I can apply even if I already started with a different state and lucky they said yes. That was enough for me get up and see the glimmer of hope again. The hope to be a nurse. I want my son to see that no matter how hard life throws at you there will always be answer. Even in the deepest, darkest, most dangerous mind there can be hope. Hope is not only to live as a person, in my opinion, hope is to keep going until the dream is close enough to be reality.

I am on a very very very long journey to get my shit together. More than 14 years in the making but that light no matter how faint is still glowing in my heart and mind next to the bigger light which is my son. I have 2 lights that I have to keep, one is the light of being a mother and the other is myself which is myself being and becoming an actual nurse. For right now, writing this actually makes me feel better. To release the tension in my mind, heart and soul that I am good enough to start over again and again until I can get it. I did put a time line for myself but I can always adjust it but not too much because time is a luxury that I dont have and should not waste.

Things that I learned from these, time is both companion and enemy. I should learn to stick and stick to my to do list and plans because I cant always there is always be tomorrow. Every minute is a lifetime, being a mom I know that so well so I am going to maximize all that I can do for my son and fight my laziness every now and then. Rest is part of the process, both body and mind needs to recover so that time is not waste by pushing yourself too hard. Yes pushing yourself is good but within limits. Its okay to start over, its never easy to start over but it can be done. Its better to start over than to continue something that doesnt work.