#number five fluff

You stopped moving as he began to shift towards you, his hands reaching out to grab ahold of your torso as he buried his face into your chest. He mumbled something in his sleep about the probability of ending the apocalypse before making a complaint about something Klaus did the other day.

You let out a small laugh while he stirred, slowly blinking his eyes as he lifted his head up.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, honey," you said, brushing his hair out of his face. "Just something you said in your sleep."

"Hm." He unconsciously leaned into your touch as you began to gently scratch at his scalp with your fingernails. "What did I say?"

"Oh, y'know. Apocalypse stuff. That, and you were complaining about Klaus and something he did."

A sour look crossed his face, causing you to laugh again.

"Idiot," Five muttered.

"Hey, that's not very nice," you gently scolded him.

"I don't care," he huffed. "It's true."

You stopped scratching his head, causing him to let out a low whine. "Five, don't be mean. I don't care whether it's true or not."

He sighed loudly. "Alright, fine. I guess I'm sorry, or whatever."

"Much better," you said, starting to play with his hair again. "See, was that really so difficult?"

"Yes," he mumbled without hesitation before letting out a yawn.

"Aw, you're only grumpy because you woke up from your nap early, aren't you?" You teased.

"No, I'm not," he pouted, reburying his face into your chest.

"I think you are," you persisted, wrapping your free arm around his waist. "Poor baby, not getting enough sleep."

"Shut up," he replied, his voice muffled from his face being pressed against you.

You giggled, kissing him on the forehead as you pulled him close. "My beautiful, sleepy boy," you whispered as you held him.

~

Five had been in the apocalypse for two years. Two years of isolation, two years of living in the most pathetic shelter imaginable, two years of eating food that was barely even edible, two years of searching endlessly for a way to get back to his family. If he weren’t as stubborn a bastard as he was, he would’ve given up a year ago. But, he was Five Hargreeves, the most stubborn bastard of them all, so he was searching for a way to get back now, and he would search for a way to get back for as long as he had to - even if it took him 45 years.

He sighed, throwing his makeshift piece of chalk on the ground. “Shit,” he muttered to himself. The equations were off. He was certain of it. He grabbed his dirty cloth off the broken table beside him and with some effort erased a month’s worth of math. Again. He tried not to let it get to him, but this just kept happening. He was amazing at solving problems, why couldn’t he solve the most important one of all?

Five picked up the half-drunk bottle of whiskey next to him, about to take a swig, then stopped. He could hear something. Singing, it sounded like. He couldn’t hear it clearly - not enough to make out the words, at least - but it sounded like a girl’s voice. His brow furrowed. No, that couldn’t be right. No one survived the apocalypse, he was sure of it - if someone had, he would’ve found them before then. He followed the voice anyway.

After a few feet, the voice got clear enough for him to understand the words - it was definitely a female voice; the girl was maybe around Five’s age. She had a nice voice, but she didn’t seem to be taking herself very seriously. The song she was singing was a nursery rhyme.

“I’m a little teapot “Short and stout “Here is my handle “Here is my spout “When I get all steamed up “Hear me shout “Tip me over and pour me out!”

She finished the song with a round of hysterical giggles. Oh, Lord. Whoever this girl was, she was mad as a hatter. She was still a living person, though - as long as she wasn’t a figment of Five’s imagination, which he desperately hoped wasn’t the case - so he continued toward the sound of her laughter.

He ended up outside of a crudely made - though seemingly effective - shelter. It was made of a random hodge-podge of items - stacked up books, chipped bricks, worn blankets - anything you could possibly imagine. “Um… hello?” he said cautiously.

A crash sounded from inside the shelter, and Five lurched back instinctively. A sheet - which Five assumed was meant to be a makeshift door - pulled back, and a bewildered girl with a disheveled appearance and wild eyes faced him. Her mouth opened and she tilted her head slightly as she looked at him, apparently too surprised to say anything.

He took the time to examine her. Her clothes were odd and dirty, though he assumed his weren’t much better - when you were stuck in the apocalypse you had to take advantage of whatever you could, which usually wasn’t much. Her skin was covered in cuts and bruises; from the crash, Five gathered she was rather accident prone. Her expression was not quite there - blank and confused, slightly crazed. She was obviously the result of purposeless isolation.

“You’re a person,” she finally spoke. Her voice had a musical lilt to it, and Five found it extremely pleasant to listen to. “You’re a living, breathing person!” A smile widened across her face, and she twirled around with a euphoric laugh. “I thought I was alone, I thought I was alone forever!” She frowned suddenly. “Oh, goodness, you are real, aren’t you? Sometimes I see people who aren’t real. Are you real?”

Five opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, the girl’s hands were on his face, feeling around his skin as she needed proof from all senses that he was really standing in front of her. A finger entered his mouth and he spit it out, backing away from her on instinct.

“I’m- I’m real, I promise,” he told the unusual girl, looking at her strangely. “Are you real?”

She giggled. “I don’t know. I think I am, but I could be wrong, couldn’t I be? I’m wrong about a lot of things, I could be wrong about my existence, too, I suppose.”

Five shook his head. “No, no, you’re real, you have to be.” He squinted at her. “How are you alive?”

She frowned. “I don’t remember. I don’t remember much about the actual apocalypse. I think I may have blocked the memory out, somehow.” A smile brightened her face again. “How are you alive?”

“I… don’t think you would believe me.”

She laughed. “Oh, I’m sure I would. I stopped believing things were impossible a long time ago.”

Five raised his eyebrows. “I time traveled here. I can jump through space and time, and had been spatial jumping for a while, but had never tried time travel. My old man told me I wasn’t ready, but I was foolish, so I ignored him. Turns out he was right. I’m stuck here.”

Five expected her to be at least a little surprised, but she only nodded in response. “Makes sense. Would you like some tea?”

Five blinked. “I- um- do you have coffee?”

She scrunched her nose. “I don’t particularly like it, but I suppose I could try to whip some up. Come inside?”

Five shrugged and followed her into the shelter. It was chaotic in a homely sort of way, and Five decided he quite liked it. There was a twin-sized mattress near the right corner, and it took up most of the small space. Many of its springs were poking through the top, but it was better than where Five slept - the ground - and she’d managed to find a ripped pillow and worn, polka-dotted blanket to put on it. The rest of the shelter was what he assumed to be her “kitchen”, though it was really just a pile of sticks for firewood, a few crates of food, and a pile of dirty plates and utensils. There was also a pile of clothes in the left corner near the door, accompanied by an odd, broken mannequin.

Five stood awkwardly by the mattress as the girl rummaged through one of her food crates. She pulled out a smushed box of tea, a crushed container of instant coffee, and a water bottle and set them beside her. She then pulled two mugs from her pile of dishes and filled each of them halfway with water. She glanced over at Five. “Could you start the fire for me, please?”

Five obliged, rubbing two of the sticks together until they ignited then quickly setting them on the pile of firewood. The pile was strategically placed so that it wouldn’t reach anything flammable, which was rather remarkable considering the size of the shelter. The girl might’ve been out of her mind, but she most certainly wasn’t stupid.

She brought over the mugs, handing Five one, in which she’d stirred a dark brown powder. “Hold it close to the fire and it’ll heat up,” she instructed. “It won’t be as good as the coffee you’re used to, but…”

“It’s fine,” Five assured her, holding the mug toward the pile. “It’ll be nice just to have some at all.”

The girl did the same with her mug, her shoulder touching his as she sat down beside him. A jolt of electricity ran through him with the contact - it had been far too long since he’d touched another human being. “So, do you have a name?” she asked. “I’ve been calling you Mister Sea-Eyed Man in my head since we met, but I feel that might be kind of rude if you have an actual name.”

Five took a sip of his coffee and tried not to make a face. It was revolting, but he was grateful for it nonetheless. “Mister Sea-Eyed Man?” he repeated with a chuckle. “Why?”

“Because your eyes are the color of the sea,” she explained, turning her head to look at him. “They’re quite pretty, you know.”

Five felt his face heat up and turned away so she wouldn’t notice. “I… uh…” He cleared his throat. “My name is Five.”

The girl laughed. “Like the number?”

“Yes,” he replied, slightly annoyed.

“I like it,” she told him. “It’s unusual. Fitting for a time traveling boy stuck in the apocalypse. Is there a reason you’re named after a number, Mister Five?”

He swallowed, trailing his thumb along his warm mug as he stared ahead. “My father numbered my siblings and me rather than giving us names,” he said shortly.

She frowned. “That’s rather cruel. Would you like for me to give you a name?”

Five laughed. “Thank you, but no. I’ve embraced it. I’ll always be Number Five - it would feel strange to go by anything else.”

The girl nods. “That makes sense. My name is (Y/N).”

“That’s pretty.”

“Is it?” she asks. “I suppose I’m so used to it I hadn’t noticed. Thank you for telling me, Mister Five.”

He allowed himself a small smile. “You’re very welcome, Miss (Y/N).”

She grinned, and they sat in silence for a moment before Five spoke again.

“I’m going to get back home.”

(Y/N) looked at him. “How?”

“I’ve been working on an equation that will perfect my time travel abilities and allow me to get back to my family. It’s been two years, and I haven’t gotten it yet, but I will.” Five looked at her determinedly. “And when I do, I want you to come with me.”

She tilted her head. “Why? You barely know me at all.”

“I know you well enough to know I’m not leaving you here.”

She smiled, and it was enough to fill his entire body with warmth. “Well, Mister Five, you are no longer alone in your struggles. From this moment forward, I, (Y/N) (Y/L/N), vow to help you in any way I can to get you back to your family.”

Five chuckled. “Thank you.”

“Delores is going to help you, too,” she added.

Five raised an eyebrow. “Delores?” He was certain she’d said she’d been alone the past two years.

“Mhm!” She walked over to the door and gathered the mannequin Five had noticed earlier in her arms. “Delores is my best friend. She will help me with anything, and because I am helping you, she will also help you.”

Five was momentarily flabbergasted, then simply shook his head. Sure, Delores was a mannequin, and this was pretty much confirmation that (Y/N) was insane, but he understood her desperation for companionship. Hell, the only thing that kept him from going crazy was his determination to get back to his family. (Y/N) had nothing. So he decided to play along. “Thank you, Delores,” he said. “I greatly appreciate your help.”

(Y/N) beamed at him, sitting back down next to him and placing Delores beside her. She yawned and rubbed a hand over her face. “It’s getting late; I’d like to go to sleep. Would you like to stay here with me? I could use the company, you know, after being isolated for two years.”

“Oh, yes, thank you,” Five replied, intensely relieved at her suggestion. Not only was the idea of her company appealing, but her shelter was much warmer and more comfortable than his.

She gave him a tired smile and took his mug from him, putting it with hers in a separate pile of dishes. “I hope you don’t mind the light from the fire,” she said softly, sitting down on the mattress. “It’s warm, and it helps keep some of the nightmares at bay.”

Five was overwhelmed with sympathy and understanding. He sat down next to her. “I don’t mind,” he replied quietly.

(Y/N) nodded with silent appreciation and removed her shoes before settling under her thin blanket. Five followed suit, placing his body beside hers. The mattress was lumpy, and uncomfortable compared to what he’d slept on back at the Umbrella Academy, but compared to the ground, it felt like heaven.

“Goodnight, Five,” (Y/N) murmured, her breath tickling his neck.

“Goodnight, (Y/N),” Five whispered in reply.

It was the first time he’d slept well in two years.

43 years later

“Are you ready?” Five asks, panting as he looks at you with a mixture of exhilaration, determination, and just a little bit of fear on his face.

“I’ve been ready for forty-three years,” you reply, your expression matching his own.

Five grins and opens his briefcase, creating a portal in a flash of blue light. A fire extinguisher flies through, and you laugh hysterically as Five looks at it in confusion. Peeking through, you notice five adults - two women and three men - staring up through the blurry bluish blob.

“Your family?” you ask Five.

He nods, glancing behind him anxiously before grabbing your hand. “Come on. Let’s go.” He pulls you through the portal right before it closes up, the two of you landing on the ground with a mildly painful thump.

“Does anyone else see little Number Five and- and a girl, or is that just me?” one of the men asks as Five helps you up. He’s oddly dressed and crudely taken care of, and you decide he looks like someone you’d get along with quite well.

You look at Five and let out a laugh of bewilderment. He looks exactly as he did when you met him 43 years ago - confused, frustrated, and 15 years old. Looking down at yourself, you notice you’re back in your 15-year-old body as well, and begin to laugh uncontrollably.

Five isn’t as amused by the situation. He looks at you, then down at himself, and back to you. “Shit,” he grumbles.

Five’s family gapes as he grabs your hand and leads you inside the mansion you dropped outside of. His confused siblings follow shortly after. The seven of you enter the kitchen and you plop cross-legged onto the table as Five rifles through the pantry.

“Oh, it feels nice to be able to sit like this again,” you sigh with a content smile.

“What’s the date?” Five asks, sighing. “The exact date.”

“The- the twenty-fourth,” one of Five’s sisters stammers. She’s plainly dressed, her brown hair pulled into a messy bun.

“Of what?” Five’s tone is annoyed as he brings bread, peanut butter, and a bag of marshmallows over to the table.

“March,” the sister, whom you’ve decided to call “Plain Jane”, clarifies.

“Good.”

“So, are we gonna talk about what just happened?” asks a brother the size of a gorilla. His blond hair is closely cropped and his face is covered by a bit of stubble. You decide to call him “Gorilla Man”.

Five doesn’t respond, continuing to make his sandwich.

Gorilla Man slams his hand on the table and stands up. “It’s been seventeen years.”

Five scoffs. “It’s been a lot longer than that.” He teleports over to the counter.

“I haven’t missed that,” Gorilla Man mutters.

“Where’d you go?” Another brother, a Latino man dressed entirely in black, speaks up. Walmart Batman.

“The future.” Five teleports back to the table. “It’s shit, by the way.”

“Called it!” crows the brother who spoke when you first arrived. From your impression of him so far, it’s safe to assume he was the one who threw the fire extinguisher, so you refer to him as “Mister Fire Extinguisher”.

“I should’ve listened to the old man,” Five continues, ignoring him. “You know, jumping through space is one thing, jumping through time is a toss of the dice.” He looks up at Mister Fire Extinguisher. “Nice dress.”

“Oh, well, danke!” Mister Fire Extinguisher replies, twirling his skirt around in his hand.

“Wait, how did you get back?” Plain Jane interrupts him.

“In the end, I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time,” Five explains.

Everyone looks at him in confusion.

“Mind go everywhere so mind could be here,” you clarify, rather unhelpfully.

The siblings seem to register your existence after hearing your voice. “Wait, who’s the girl?” Walmart Batman asks.

“Oh, hello!” You grin at him. “I’m (Y/N).”

“Diego,” he replies. You assume that to be his name.

“Oh, okay. I’ve just been calling you Walmart Batman in my head.”

Diego opens his mouth, seemingly offended, but Five cuts him off. “I met (Y/N) while I was gone. She’s been with me all but the first two years I was there.”

“How long were you there?” Gorilla Man asks.

“Forty-five years. Give or take.”

Gorilla Man finally sits back down. “So what are you saying? That you’re fifty-eight?”

“No, our consciousnesses are fifty-eight,” Five explains irritably. “Apparently, our bodies are now fifteen again.”

“Wait, how does that even work?” Plain Jane asks.

“Delores kept saying the equations were off,” you scold Five.

“Eh.” He takes a bite of his sandwich and starts to make another. “Bet she’s laughing now.”

“Delores?” Plain Jane questions.

“Our friend,” you tell her, providing no further explanation.

Five picks up a newspaper before Plain Jane can ask for any more information. “Hmm.” He reads the headline. “Guess we missed the funeral.”

“How’d you know about that?” Gorilla Man demands.

“What part of ‘the future’ do you not understand?” Five further examines the newspaper. “Heart failure, huh?”

“Yeah,” Diego says, at the same time as Gorilla Man says, “No.”

You tilt your head, a slight smile on your face at the disagreement.

“Hmm.” Five clicks his tongue. “Nice to see nothing’s changed.” He hands you your sandwich and walks off with you close behind.

“Uh, that’s it?” Five’s other sister finally speaks up. “That’s all you have to say?” She’s pretty, with warm brown skin, curly blonde hair, and a nice blue shirt. You call her “Beauty Queen”.

“What else is there to say? The circle of life.” Five leads you up the stairs and into a small room decorated with a large bookshelf, a neatly made bed, and a chalkboard. He opens the closet and looks through the contents. It’s filled entirely with school uniforms resembling the one he was wearing the day you met. “Ah, shit.” He pulls one out and turns to you. “Allison’s room is to the far left across the hall. She should have some girls’ uniforms you can change into.”

You nod. “Which one is she?” You recognize her name, but you were never able to see pictures of Five’s siblings.

“Curly hair,” he responds, removing his blazer.

“Ah, Beauty Queen.”

The corner of Five’s mouth quirks up as he takes off his tie. “Did you give ‘em all nicknames?”

“Of course,” you reply. “How else was I supposed to refer to them in my head?”

“Lord, I love the way your mind works,” he murmurs, untying his shoes. “What’d you call ‘em?”

“The brunette lady is Plain Jane, the large man is Gorilla Man, Diego was Walmart Batman but I know he’s Diego now, and the man wearing a skirt is Mister Fire Extinguisher, cause I think he was probably the one who threw it.”

Five lets out a laugh as he removes his socks. “Plain Jane is Vanya, Gorilla Man is Luther, and Mister Fire Extinguisher is Klaus.”

“Oh, thanks. See you in more or less than a minute, Five.”

“Mhm.”

You leave his room and enter Allison’s. Sure enough, there are just as many uniforms in her closet as there were in Five’s. They’re identical except hers have skirts while Five’s had shorts. Looking in a drawer, you find socks and undergarments - the bra isn’t quite your size, but it’s wearable, and better than nothing. You dress before wandering back downstairs. You find Five in what you assume to be the main room of the mansion, staring up at a portrait of himself. You sit down on the floor, and Vanya walks in shortly after.

“Nice to know Dad didn’t forget me,” Five comments, not taking his eyes off the painting. “We read your book, by the way.” He turns to Vanya, tilting his head in your direction. “Found it in a library that was still standing. I thought it was pretty good, all things considered. Yeah, definitely ballsy, giving up the family secrets. Sure that went over well.”

“They hate me,” Vanya says miserably.

“Oh, there are worse things that can happen,” Five replies vaguely.

“You mean like what happened to Ben?” she asks, sorrow lining her voice.

You look up at her. Ben was the only sibling not present when you fell into 2019. You didn’t know much about him, just that he died when they were still kids.

“Was it bad?” Five asks, his eyes mirroring the sadness in Vanya’s voice.

Vanya nods, and Five looks away.

The moment is interrupted by slow footsteps as an anthropomorphic chimpanzee enters the room. “Mister Five, Miss Vanya, Miss…” He looks at you uncertainly.

“(Y/N),” you tell him.

“Miss (Y/N),” he repeats, handing each of you an umbrella. “It’s time for the funeral.”

Five and Vanya nod and the three of you follow the chimpanzee - whom from Five’s stories you assume to be Pogo - outside. It’s dark and gloomy, with rain pouring down and soaking everything not covered by an umbrella, which includes Diego. The atmosphere fits the vibe of the funeral so well it’s almost comical, and you have to physically restrain yourself from laughing at it.

“Did something happen?” asks a pretty blonde woman. You assume her to be Grace, Five’s robot mother.

“Dad died,” Allison tells her, concerned. “Remember?”

“Oh,” Grace says, looking down. “Yes, of course.”

“Is Mom okay?” Allison asks, looking at Diego.

“Yeah, yeah, she’s fine,” Diego assures her. “She just needs to rest. You know, recharge.”

Allison seems unconvinced.

“Whenever you’re ready, dear boy,” Pogo says to Luther with a sigh.

Luther takes the top off the urn and pours Reginald Hargreeves’s ashes on the ground. They sit in an awkward clump with the lack of a breeze. Klaus winces and you bite your lip to restrain your laughter. You wish you could stop finding this funeral so funny.

“Probably would have been better with some wind,” Luther states uncomfortably.

“Does anyone wish to speak?” Pogo asks.

You do - you always wish to speak, it’s one of your favorite activities. After a moment you realize the chimpanzee is referring to Five’s dead father, though, so you shove down the urge to say something. No one else volunteers.

“Very well,” Pogo sighs. “In all regards, Sir Reginald Hargreeves made me what I am today. For that alone, I shall forever be in his debt. He was my master…” the ape breathes in deeply, “and my friend, and I shall miss him very much. He leaves behind a complicated legacy - “

“He was a monster,” Diego cuts him off, much to Klaus’s amusement. “He was a bad person and a worse father. The world’s better off without him.”

“Diego,” Allison warns.

“My name is Number Two,” Diego raises his voice. “You know why? Because our father couldn’t be bothered to give us actual names. He had Mom do it.”

“Would anyone like something to eat?” Grace cuts in nervously.

You open your mouth to ask for some tea, but Five cuts you off with a shake of his head. You close your mouth.

“No, it’s okay, Mom,” Vanya tells her instead.

“Oh, okay.” Grace seems so disappointed you wish you’d indulged her.

“Look, you wanna pay your respects?” Diego steps forward. “Go ahead. But at least be honest about the kind of man he was.”

“You should stop talking now.” Luther’s voice simmers with a controlled anger.

Your eyes dart nervously between them.

“You know, you of all people should be on my side here, Number One.” Diego takes on a taunting tone.

“I am warning you.” Luther steps toward him.

“After everything he did to you? He had to ship you a million miles away.”

“Diego, stop talking.” Luther raises his voice.

“That’s how much he couldn’t stand the sight of you!” Diego yells, poking Luther’s chest.

Luther throws a punch at Diego, who ducks before throwing one back. You back away anxiously, bouncing on the balls of your feet as you watch them fight.

“Boys, stop this at once!” Pogo cries in vain.

Klaus puts his arm over Five as if to protect him, and Five slaps his hand away before taking yours.

“Come on, big boy!” Diego taunts, jumping on Luther’s back and pounding his fists on it.

“Stop it!” Vanya yells.

“Hit him! Hit him!” Klaus encourages, sticking a cigarette in his mouth.

Pogo shakes his head in frustration before walking inside. Luther holds Diego in front of him by his shirt, barely flinching when Diego attacks his arm.

“Get. Off. Me!” Diego grunts.

“We don’t have time for this,” Five mutters, heading inside and pulling you with him. “Sorry about them,” he apologizes once inside his room.

“Oh, it’s fine. They’re rather entertaining, actually.” You sit on his bed and pull your knees to your chest, tilting your head. “What’re you doing?”

He’s pulled the glass eye he claimed to have found when he first ended up in the apocalypse out of his pocket and is examining it. “We need to find a way to stop the apocalypse,” he says, ignoring your question. “It happens in eight days, and so far all we have is this eye.” He holds the eye up, looking at you. “I think whoever this eye belongs to caused it.”

“So in order to stop the apocalypse, we have to find the person that glass eye belongs to,” you conclude.

Five nods. “Exactly.”

A grin stretches across your face, and you clap your hands together with a squeal. “Ooh, it’s like a riddle! How fun!”

Five raises his eyebrows and puts the eye back in his pocket. “Rather positive take on the end of the world, don’t you think?”

You shrug. “Life wouldn’t be much fun if you let depressing things depress you, now would it?”

Five lips quirk into a smile. “I suppose not.” He lays back on his bed, his head propped up, and looks at you. “Riddle me, (Y/N/N).”

Your grin widens. Puzzles are a lot easier for you to solve if you think of them in the terms of a riddle. Your way of thinking frustrated Five at first - he’s all math and logic, and your abstract way of problem-solving used to confuse him to no end. But eventually, he got used to it, and you found the opposite ways your brains work makes for a very effective way of figuring things out when you work together.

“Hmm…” you hum, thinking for a moment before telling Five your riddle:

“If I lost an eye “Well, then I would find “A place that would fill up my hole by design “They’d heal what was lost “Though there’d be a cost “And that place would give us just what we have sought”

You watch Five as he mutters the riddle to himself, pondering it. “They’d heal what was lost…” he repeats. His eyes widen suddenly, and he snaps his fingers. “That’s it! The hospital! If someone lost an eye, they’d go to the hospital, where they’d get a replacement! And they’d have records of whoever got the eye! We just need to bring the eye to the hospital and ask them who it belongs to!”

Your eyes brighten. “Yes, of course! My brain always knows more than I do, I just need you to figure out what it means for me.” You stand up. “Let’s go find our guy! Or girl. Or person. Or cat, maybe. Do cats go to the hospital?”

Five laughs, shaking his head. “Before we do anything, I need some coffee.” He grabs your hand and teleports you into the kitchen, where Klaus is already seated at the table.

Allison walks in soon after, setting her coat down on a chair. “Where’s Vanya?” she asks as Five rummages through the cabinets.

“Oh, she’s gone,” Klaus informs her.

“That’s unfortunate,” Five comments.

“Yeah,” Allison agrees, assuming he’s referring to Vanya’s disappearance, but you know him well enough to know he couldn’t care less about whether or not his sister is still at the mansion.

“An entire square block, forty-two bedrooms, nineteen bathrooms, but no, not a single drop of coffee,” Five continues, confirming your suspicions.

“Is there any tea?” you ask.

Five tosses you a box, and you pull a tea bag out happily.

“Dad hated caffeine,” Allison says as you look for a tea kettle. “Of course he doesn’t have any coffee.”

“Well, he hated children, too, and he had plenty of us!” Klaus says with a laugh, quickly stopping when he notices neither of his siblings are amused.

“I’m taking the car,” Five says, starting to walk away. “(Y/N), do you want to come with?”

“But I’m making myself tea!” you whine, having just found the kettle.

“Where are you going?” Klaus asks.

“To get a decent cup of coffee,” Five tells him, then turns to you. “They’ll have better tea at Griddy’s, (Y/N/N). Come on.”

“‘(Y/N/N)’?” Klaus smirks. “Did you just use a pet name on her, Fivey?”

Five looks at him, annoyed. “Yes, I did. And don’t call me that.”

“Whatever you say, Fivey,” Klaus mutters.

Five ignores him, turning back to you. “You don’t have to go, but I’d like you to.”

You’re about to respond when Allison asks, “Do you even know how to drive?”

“I know how to do everything,” is Five’s irritated response. “Are you coming?” he asks you.

“I’ll go,” you tell him. “But if their tea isn’t good, I will be mildly annoyed with you for an indeterminate amount of time.”

“Alrighty.” He grabs your hand and teleports you outside.

The two of you get in an old car parked outside the mansion and Five drives off, stopping outside a doughnut shop with a sign that says “Griddy’s Doughnuts”. You sit down at the counter and Five rings the bell. A man who looks to be around his 50s sits next to him.

A waitress dressed in a pink uniform walks out of the kitchen. Her name tag reads “Agnes”. “Sorry, sink was clogged,” she apologizes with a chuckle.

“Oh, it’s no trouble, ma’am, we just got here.” You smile brightly at her. “What kinds of tea do you have?”

She blinks, glancing at the man before looking back at you. “Oh, um, we have our breakfast black tea, green tea, chamomile, hibiscus, and mint.” She looks at the man again. “Are these your kids?”

He chuckles awkwardly. “Oh, uh, no, they’re on their own.”

Agnes nods, looking back at Five and you with a questioning look on her face. She clears her throat and opens her notepad. “So, uh, what’ll it be?”

“I’ll have the chamomile tea, please, and my friend will have a black coffee,” you tell her.

Five nods, and Agnes gives you an odd look before scribbling the order down on her notepad.

“And for you?” she asks, turning to the man.

“Uh, give me a chocolate eclair,” he says.

“Mhm. Sure.” She jots it down before smiling at the three of you. “I’ll be right back with that.” She walks back into the kitchen.

Five sighs. “Don’t remember this place being such a shithole. I used to come here as a kid. Used to sneak out with my brothers and sisters and eat doughnuts till we puked. Simpler times, huh?”

“I don’t remember much about my childhood,” you say quietly. “I might’ve been here before, but… I don’t know.”

Five squeezes your thigh comfortingly and the man gives the two of you a strange look.

Agnes comes back with the man’s doughnut and yours and Five’s drinks. “Here.”

“I got theirs,” the man says, handing her some cash.

“Thank you, sir,” you say.

“No problem.” He smiles awkwardly and you smile back.

Five looks at the man’s shirt and you follow his gaze to see the words “Ishmael’s Towing: 24 Hour Service” embroidered on his vest. “You must know your way around the city.”

“I hope so,” the man replies. “I’ve been driving it for twenty years.”

"I need an address," you blurt out before you can stop yourself.

Five gives you a weird look but says nothing.

"Do you know where Gimble Brothers is?" you continue, ignoring Five as he grows more and more confused.

"I- uh, yeah, of course," the man replies. "I'll, uh, write it down for you." He pulls out a scrap of paper and a pen and scribbles down the address.

"Thank you so much," you say, taking it.

"Uh, no problem." He smiles awkwardly. "I'm gonna head out. It was a… pleasure meeting you." He hurries out the door.

"You too!" you call after him. "That was a nice man." You take a sip of your tea.

Five stares at you. "What was that about?"

"Delores," you say simply.

"What?"

"Gimble Brothers is the name of the store I found Delores in."

"Oh," Five says. "And you want to find her again."

"Of course," you reply. "She's my only friend. Other than you, of course."

Five nods. He starts to take a sip of his coffee but stops, frowning as he looks into the reflection of the bell. Following his gaze, you see a group of men entering the shop. The Commission.

Your breathing quickens but you try to remain calm, looking to Five to see how he handles the situation. His face reveals nothing.

“Hmm. That was fast. I thought I’d have more time before they found me,” is all he says as two of the men point a gun at each of you.

“Okay,” says the man aiming at Five. “So let’s all be professional about this, yeah? On your feet and come with us. They want to talk.”

“We’ve got nothing to say.”

“It doesn’t have to go this way. You think we want to shoot some kids? Go home with that on our consciences?”

“Well, I wouldn’t worry about that.” Five looks at the man. “You won’t be going home.” He picks up the butter knife on his napkin and teleports behind the man, stabbing him in the back.

Oh, no. You do not want to do this. You have no other choice, though, so you pick up your butter knife with a sigh and flip behind the counter to avoid the men’s bullets as they start shooting at you. Five teleports around the room, taunting the men and taking them out whenever he can. While they’re distracted, you run behind them, stabbing the one closest to you in the back before taking his gun.

“Shh,” you whisper, banging his head with the handle and knocking him out before he can yell and expose you. You run back behind the counter with the gun and peek up only enough to allow you to see and shoot over the top of it. You take out the remaining men - careful to avoid Five as he appears in different places around the shop - and drop the gun with an exhausted sigh when there’s no one left. Your vision blurs and you press the heels of your hands into your eyes, breathing shallowly.

“(Y/N/N)?” Five says softly, finding you behind the counter.

“I didn’t want to kill anyone ever again,” you whisper, still covering your eyes.

Five bends down next to you and wraps an arm around your shoulder. “I know.” He kisses your head. “I know, (Y/N/N), me neither. We gotta go now, though, okay? They must’ve put tracking devices in us, we gotta get 'em out. C’mon, we’ll go clean up at Vanya’s apartment, okay?”

You nod and let him help you up, sitting down next to him at the counter as he cuts open his arm with a knife he presumably stole from one of the men and removing a tracking device. He hands the knife to you and looks away as you do the same. He laces his fingers through yours and the two of you walk out of the doughnut shop, Five dropping the trackers into a gutter as you leave. You get a ways away from the shop before Five pulls the paper with Vanya’s address on it out of his pocket.

“It’s too far to walk,” he says. “I’ll jump us there, okay?”

You nod and the two of you are inside Vanya’s apartment in a flash of blue light. She’s not there yet, so the two of you wait, Five on a chair and you perched on the armrest, leaving the sofa for Vanya.

“Do you think she’ll be here soon?” you ask. “You know how much I hate waiting. Shall we play a game while we wait?” You really just want a distraction from the fact that you just murdered at least five men. “I’m thinking… crazy eights?” You pull a deck of cards out of your pocket.

“Why do you have those?” Five questions.

“I never go anywhere without my playing cards,” you tell him simply.

He shrugs, and you’re pulling the cards out of their box when Vanya walks in. “Jeez!” She startles, seeing the two of you in her living room.

“Vanya!” you greet her. “We were just about to play war. Would you like to join us?”

“Um, no thanks,” she says, still bewildered and growing more and more concerned as she sits down on the sofa. “Is that blood?”

“It’s nothing,” Five dismisses the comment.

“Why are you here?”

Five sighs. “I’ve decided you’re the only one we can trust.”

“Why me?”

“Because you’re ordinary.”

Vanya looks down, obviously hurt by the reminder, and you quickly speak up. “He doesn’t mean it in a bad way! I’m ordinary, too, in terms of having powers, at least. He just means you’ll listen.”

It seems to make Vanya feel at least slightly better. “Okay,” she says, leaving the room.

“Where’s she going?” you ask Five. “Oh, do you think she’s making tea?”

“You just had tea,” he reminds you.

You pout. “I know, but you can never have too much tea.”

Vanya returns with disinfectant and a roll of bandages and, sadly, no tea. Five takes it from her and tells you to roll your sleeve up. You oblige, and he pours a bit of disinfectant on it to clean the wound before wrapping it up in a bandage. He hands the stuff back to his sister and she repeats the process with him.

“When I jumped forward and got stuck in the future, do you know what I found?” he asks her.

“No,” she responds.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. For two years before I found (Y/N), I thought I was the last person left alive. I never figured out what killed the human race, and though (Y/N) was there when it happened, she doesn’t remember anything about it. I did find something else. The date it happens.” Five looks at Vanya. “The world ends in eight days, and we want your help to stop it.”

“I’ll put on a pot of coffee,” is Vanya’s only response.

“Will you make some tea, too?” you ask, and she nods before walking out of the room.

“She’s in shock,” Five says quietly.

Vanya comes back with two mugs of coffee and a mug of tea. She hands you the tea and Five the coffee and takes back her seat on the couch. You deal each of you eight cards as Five recounts his experience in the apocalypse.

“We survived on scraps,” he tells Vanya. “Canned food, cockroaches, anything we could find.”

“I was able to find instant coffee and a couple boxes of tea,” you add. “Lasted us a couple years. The tea was pretty good.”

“The coffee was shit, though. At least it wasn’t as bad as that old box of twinkies I found.”

You shudder at the memory. “Oh, yeah. That rumor that twinkies have an endless shelf life is total poppycock.”

“I can’t even imagine,” Vanya says, her expression filled with horror and sympathy.

“You do whatever it takes to survive, or you die,” Five continues. “So we adapted. Whatever the world threw at us, we found a way to overcome it.” He holds up his mug. “You got anything stronger?”

Vanya nods, going to the kitchen and pouring him a glass of something alcoholic. She offers one to you, but you decline, pouring yourself some more tea instead. The three of you play your game without much conversation for a few moments, the shock in Vanya’s expression never leaving her face.

Five scoffs, noticing. “You think we’re crazy.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” you say, keeping your eyes on your cards. “I’m most definitely crazy, and I think it’s what gives me my whimsical charm.”

Vanya blinks at you but quickly shakes her head. “No, it’s just… it’s a lot to take in.”

“Exactly what don’t you understand?” Five’s voice seethes with a controlled anger.

“Why didn’t you just time travel back?”

Five scoffs again. “Gee, wish I’d thought of that. Time travel is a crapshoot. I went into the ice and never acorned.” He looks at her, pain glimmering under the surface of his irritated expression. “You think I didn’t try everything to get back to my family?”

Vanya nods, looking a little nervous. “If you grew old there, you know, in the apocalypse, how come you still look like kids?”

“I told you already.” The irritation in Five’s voice grows as he pours himself another drink. “I must have got the equations wrong.”

“I mean, Dad always used to say that…” Vanya swallows, “time travel could mess up your mind. Well, maybe that’s what’s happening?”

“This was a mistake.” Five slams the drink on the counter, alcohol spilling over the edge. “You’re too young,” he walks over to you and grabs your hand, leading you over to the door, “too naive to understand.”

“We didn’t get to finish our game!” you whine, scrabbling to pick up the cards.

“No.” Vanya walks after you. “Five… Five, wait.”

Five stops just short of walking out and turns around.

“I haven’t seen you in a long time, and I don’t want to lose you again.” Vanya’s voice is shaky. “That’s all. And you know what, it’s getting late, and I have lessons early, and I need to sleep, and I’m sure you do, too. Both of you.” She walks over to the couch and pulls a blanket over the cushions. “Here. It’s small, and you’d have to share, but I don’t have a spare room. Please, just… sleep, and then we can talk in the morning.” She starts to walk out of the room. “It was nice to meet you, (Y/N),” she says to you before she leaves.

“You too!” You wave as she leaves. “Goodnight!”

“Night,” she says with a thin smile before disappearing into another room.

Five sits down on the couch and you plop down next to him, wrapping the blanket around you. “We’re not really going to sleep,” he says, noticing.

You frown. “Why not? I’m so very tired, Five, and you need sleep, too. We’ll talk to Vanya in the morning, just like she said.”

“Vanya doesn’t believe us,” Five says, trying to keep the frustration in his voice contained. “Talking to her will be no use.”

“Who are we going to get to help us, then?”

“We’ll do it on our own.” Five pulls the eye out of his pocket. “We have this, don’t we?”

“Okay,” you say. “Sleep first, though. I can’t save the world with no rest.”

“Fine,” Five relents, seeing the desperation and exhaustion in your eyes. “But we leave first thing in the morning. Before Vanya wakes up.”

“Alrighty,” you say brightly, then yawn. “Goodnight, Five.” You curl up in the blanket with your head in his lap, falling asleep almost immediately.

“Night, (Y/N),” he says quietly, softly trailing his fingers through your hair. He stares ahead, far too many thoughts in his head and too much coffee in his system to sleep himself. He looks down at your sleeping form. You mumble a bit in your sleep, something about talking cats and rabbits, and he chuckles a bit before placing a kiss on your forehead. “I love you,” he whispers, wishing he had the courage to say it to you when you were awake.

“What if you somersaulted?”

Five stared at you. “What?”

“I said ‘what if you somersaulted?’”

“Yes, I heard you. What do you mean by that?”

“Maybe if you somersault and then keep somersaulting eventually you’ll end up in your own time.”

“That makes no sense.”

“It’s an idea, though.” You tilted your head at him from your place upside down on a bar. “Maybe if you count back from the year it is now time will move with you. Like two thousand and twenty-two, two thousand and twenty-one, two thousand and twenty - “

“Why are you saying so much nonsense!?” Five turned to you in frustration. “If you want to help, give helpful suggestions.”

“I’m just saying what comes to mind,” you said, unphased by his anger. “If I think long enough I’ll come up with something valuable. And what’s the harm in trying nonsense? We’re stuck in the apocalypse. I’m sure anyone who’s never been stuck in the apocalypse before would say ‘Oh, what nonsense!’ were we to tell them we were.”

Five shook his head and turned back to his chalkboard. He paused before writing down another number. “What other ideas do you have?”

Your face brightened with a smile and you spouted off a dozen more nonsensical suggestions, including making a circle of breadcrumbs and performing a ritual, trying to pull 2005 out of a hat, and seeing if a rabbit hole would lead you to the right time (which was the most ridiculous idea of all, considering all the rabbits that had previously existed were dead). Five didn’t really believe any of your ideas would work, but it was true that the very fact of being stuck in the apocalypse was almost as nonsensical as your suggestions, so he decided to humor you for the next few minutes. Which turned into the next few hours, which turned into the rest of the day, and at some point Five had to accept that he was humoring you because he had fallen head over heels in love with you.

He didn’t know how he fell in love with a crazy girl, but maybe the fact that you were crazy was what made him love you so much. Maybe he was crazy himself, or maybe the fact that you were literally the last person on Earth had something to do with it, but it didn’t really matter why or how. What mattered was that Five Hargreeves was infatuated with your madness, and he thought it might kill him if anything killed you.

Five wakes you up at the crack of dawn, as he said he would, and immediately teleports the two of you to the Umbrella Academy for quick showers and clothing changes. He rushes you to the point where you feel time might literally be slipping out of his hands and down the drain and you’re at the hospital in such a short amount of time you get whiplash.

A man wearing a lab coat walks over to you. “Uh, can I help you?” he asks, looking confused.

“We need to know who this belongs to,” Five replies, holding up the eye.

“Where did you get that?”

“Five found it in - “ you start, but Five cuts you off.

“We found it at a playground,” he tells the man. “Must’ve just…” He clicks his tongue. “...popped out.”

“Your name is Five?” the man asks, growing more and more confused and suspicious by the second.

“It’s a family name,” Five tells him. “We wanna return the eye to its rightful owner.”

“Oh…” says a woman sitting at a desk, “what thoughtful kids.”

“Yeah.” Five gives her an irritated smile. “Look up the name for us, will ya?”

The woman’s smile disappears, taken aback.

“Uh, I’m sorry, but patient records are strictly confidential,” the man tells him. “That means I can’t tell you - “

“Yeah, we know what it means.”

“But I’ll tell you what I can do,” the man continues. “I will take the eye off your hands and return it to the owner. I’m sure he or she will be very grateful, so if I can just - “

“Yeah, you’re not touching this eye,” Five cuts him off.

“Now, you listen here, young man - “

Five grabs the man by his lab coat. “No! You listen to me, asshole. We’ve come a long way for this, through some shit your pea brain couldn’t even comprehend, so just give us the information we need, and we’ll be on our merry way. And if you call me ‘young man’ one more time, I’m gonna put your head through that damn wall.”

“Oh, dear.” The woman picks up a phone.

“Call security,” the man whispers to her.

“Yeah.” She dials a number.

Five reluctantly lets go of the man and grabs your hand before storming out of the building. “Well, that was a complete and utter waste of time.”

“We could come up with something else,” you suggest. “Do you want a riddle?”

Five sighs. “If you think it’ll help.”

“We’re children right now

“So we’re not allowed

“To do anything without adults around

“If we had a parent with a goal like ours

“They’d help us achieve it with their adult powers”

“You want us to get some adult to pretend to be our parent?” Five says.

“Mhm! One of your siblings, probably.”

“No one is gonna believe us,” Five deadpans.

“What about your crazy brother?” you suggest. “He seems like he’d be up for just about anything.”

“Klaus?” Five thinks for a second. “I’d hate to fund his drug habit, but he might be willing to help if he paid him.”

“There! We have a new plan,” you say triumphantly.

“As long as it doesn’t go downhill like the last one.”

“Oh, stop being a Negative Nancy!” you scold him. “This plan will work.”

“Stop being a Negative Nancy!?” Five explodes. “The world is ending in a week, and you want me to be positive!?”

“Are you finished?”

Five fumes.

“Yes, I want you to be positive. I want you to be positive because the world is ending in a week. There is absolutely no point in being negative because all it does is waste time we could be using to try and keep the world from ending in a week.”

Five’s anger seems to fade, and he sighs. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” you say with a smile. “Now, it’s time for Plan B.”

Five teleports you to the Academy where you conveniently find Klaus in the living room, rummaging through the liquor cabinets. “Klaus,” Five calls.

Klaus swivels around and laughs at the sight of his brother. “Oh, hey, little bro! Looking to have a chat with your big brother? Need me to teach you how to shave, to give you relationship advice?”

“We aren’t here to play games, Klaus. We need you to do something for us.”

“Oh?” Klaus saunters over to you. “And what would that be?”

“We need you to pretend to be our dad,” you tell him.

Klaus laughs. “You’re kidding. Nobody’s gonna believe you two are related.”

“That’s not the point, Klaus,” Five says. “We need information from the hospital and we’re more likely to get it with the help of an adult. And you are the only adult unhinged enough to possibly get us what we need.”

“Why, thank you, Five. But if you want this to be believable she can’t be your sister. You look nothing alike, it’s just unrealistic.”

Five huffs. “Couldn’t she be adopted or something?”

“No,” Klaus says with a devilish grin. “She’s your girlfriend.”

Five rolls his eyes. “What? Fine, whatever.”

“And one more thing,” Klaus adds. “I expect generous compensation for my valuable efforts.”

“You can have twenty bucks if you do this for us. Deal?”

Klaus holds his hand out for Five to shake, who leaves it in the air. “Deal.”

“Find something professional to wear,” Five calls as Klaus leaves the room. Klaus salutes him. Five leads you up to his room.

“I told you it would work,” you say, plopping down on his bed.

“It hasn’t yet,” he replies, looking out the window.

“It has so far.”

Five doesn’t reply. Vanya walks into the room a few minutes later. “Oh, thank God,” she sighs. “I was worried sick about you.”

“Sorry we left without saying goodbye.” Five turns to her.

“No, look, I’m the one that should be sorry,” Vanya says. “Yeah, I was dismissive, and… I- I guess I didn’t know how to process what you were saying. And I still can’t, to be honest.”

“Maybe you were right to be dismissive,” Five says, and you sit up, confused. “Maybe it wasn’t real after all. It felt real. Well… like you said, the old man did say time travel could contaminate the mind.”

“I was there too, though,” you speak up. “I saw it.”

“Yes, and when we met you told me you were prone to hallucinations,” Five points out. “Maybe we both made it up.”

“We both had the same hallucination!? Five, that’s - “ He gives you a look and you cut off your sentence. “That’s… possible, I suppose.”

“Then maybe I’m not the right person for you to be talking to,” Vanya says. “Look, I used to see someone. A therapist. I could give you her information.”

“Thanks, but… I think we just need to get some rest,” Five says. “It’s been a long time since we’ve had a good sleep.”

“Okay.” Vanya exits the room.

You and Five start to leave after her but then Klaus falls out of the closet. “That’s so…” He holds a hand to his heart. “...touching, all that stuff about family and Dad and time. Wow!”

“Would you shut up?” Five hisses. “She’ll hear you.”

“I’m moist,” is Klaus’s reply.

“I thought I told you to put on something professional.”

Klaus is wearing a hideous floral suit with gold buttons and a hot pink lining. “What? This is my nicest outfit.”

“I quite like it,” you comment.

“Thank you, Five’s girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Five says, annoyed. “We’ll raid the old man’s closet so you can wear something actually nice.” He walks out of the room, you and Klaus close behind.

“Whatever,” Klaus says. “As long as I get paid.”

“When the job is done.”

“Okay, but just so we’re clear on the finer details, I just gotta go into this place and pretend to be your dear old dad, correct?”

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“What’s our cover story?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I mean, was I really young when I had you? Like, sixteen? Like, young and…” His voice takes on a mocking tone. “...terribly misguided?”

“Sure.”

“Your mother, that slut. Whoever she was. We met at… the disco.” Klaus chuckles. “Okay? Remember that.” He snaps his fingers. “Oh my gosh, the sex was amazing.”

“What a disturbing glimpse into that thing you call a brain.” Five grabs your hand and starts walking down the stairs.

“Don’t make me put you in time-out,” Klaus says, following after you.

Five leads you into what you assume to be Reginald Hargreeves’s room and digs through the closet, pulling out a nice suit. “Change into this,” he instructs Klaus. Klaus begins to take off his clothes and Five snaps, “Not in here.”

Klaus sticks his tongue out at him and leaves the room. “I like your brother,” you say. “He’s fun.”

“You’re one of the first I’ve heard say that,” Five says.

“Really? That’s kinda sad.”

Five shrugs. Klaus comes back, finally wearing something nice. “Good. Let’s go now.”

“Goodness, you’re in a hurry,” Klaus comments.

“Yeah, well, the world is ending in a week, so…”

“The world is what?”

Five doesn’t respond, just grabs you and Klaus and teleports to outside the hospital. You walk in and meet the doctor you met earlier in his office. He sighs irritatedly but allows you to have a seat. “Like I said to your kids - “

“My son and his girlfriend,” Klaus corrects, earning an eye roll from both Five and the doctor.

The doctor sighs again. “Like I said to your son and his girlfriend earlier, any information about the prosthetics we build is strictly confidential.” He knows why you’re there before you get a chance to say anything. “Without the client’s consent, I simply can’t help you.”

“Well, we can’t get consent if you don’t give us a name,” Five says through clenched teeth.

“Well, that’s not my problem. Sorry, Now, there’s really nothing more I can do, so - “

“And what about my consent?” Klaus speaks up.

“Excuse me?”

“Who gave you permission…” He fakes a sob. “...to lay your hands… on my son and his girlfriend?”

“What?” everyone but Klaus says in unison.

“You heard me.”

“I didn’t touch your son, or his girlfriend,” the doctor says.

“Oh, really? Well, then how did he get that swollen lip, then? And how did she get a bruise on her cheek?”

“He doesn’t have a swollen - “

Before the doctor can finish his sentence, Klaus stands up and slaps Five across the face. You almost scream and then his hand is on your face too. Five runs over and cups your chin in his hands, eyes full of worry. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You look at him. “Are you?”

He nods and lets go of your face, turning to Klaus indignantly. Klaus inhales sharply and leans over the desk to talk to the doctor. “I want it. Name, please. Now.”

“You’re crazy.”

Klaus chuckles. “You got no idea.” He picks up a snow globe sitting on the doctor’s desk. “‘Peace on Earth’. That’s so sweet.” He smashes it over his head. “Oh, that hurt!” he groans.

The doctor picks up the phone. “I’m calling secur - “ Klaus rips the phone out of his hands. “What are you doing?”

“There’s been an assault,” Klaus says into the phone, “in Mr. Big’s office, and we need security, now. Schnell!” He throws the phone down. “Now, here’s what’s gonna happen, Grant.”

“It’s… Lance.” The doctor stares at him, eyes wide with fear.

“In about sixty seconds,” Klaus continues, ignoring him, “two security guards are gonna burst through that door, and they’re gonna see a whole lot of blood, and they’re gonna wonder, ‘What the hell happened?’ And we’re gonna tell them that you… beat the shit out of us.” He fakes a dramatic sob. “You’re gonna do great in prison, Grant. Trust me, I’ve been there. Little piece of chicken like you. Oh my gosh, you’re gonna get passed around like a… You’re just- You’re gonna do great. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Jeez, you are a real sick bastard.”

“Thank you.” Klaus spits out a shard of glass.

Lance leads the three of you into the file room and looks up the owner of the eyeball’s name. “Oh, that’s strange,” he says after a moment.

“What?” Five demands.

“Uh, the eye. It hasn’t been purchased by a client yet.”

“What?” Klaus jumps down beside him. “What do you mean?”

“Well, uh, our logs say that the eye with that serial number…” His expression turns into confusion. “That can’t be right. It hasn’t even been manufactured yet. Where did you get that eye?”

Five sighs and shakes his head. “C’mon. We’re leaving.”

“Wh- what? I asked you a question - “

Five ignores him and leaves. You and Klaus follow after him. “Well, this is not good,” he says as you walk out of the building, defeated once again.

“I was pretty good, though, right?” Klaus says. “‘Yeah. What about my consent, bitch?’” He explodes into hysterical laughter.

“Klaus, it doesn’t matter.”

“What? What? What’s the big deal with this eye, anyway?”

“Whoever owns it causes the end of the world,” you tell him.

“Yeah, can I get that twenty bucks, like, now, or what?” he asks dismissively.

“Your twenty bucks?” Five repeats incredulously.

“Yeah, my twenty bucks.”

“The apocalypse is coming, and all you can think about is getting high?”

“Well, I’m also quite hungry. Tummy’s a-rumblin’.” Klaus imitates the sound of his stomach growling.

“You’re useless. You’re all useless!” Five grabs your hand and starts walking away.

“Oh, come on.” Klaus follows you. “You need to lighten up, old man. Whatever her name is - “

“(Y/N),” Five tells him irritatedly.

“(Y/N)’s all loose and fun! Why can’t you be like her?”

“Because I’m not like her,” Five says darkly.

“Five is sane, that’s why he’s no fun,” you tell Klaus.

“That is an excellent point, (Y/N). Hey, you know what, why don’t you come with me? We could have so much fun away from Mister Uptight over here.”

“We could,” you say. “But I like him. And we also have to save the world.”

“Goodness, what is all this about saving the world?”

You open your mouth to respond but Five grabs your hand. “We’re leaving,” he says. “And you’re not getting your money,” he tells Klaus.

“What!?”

Five teleports you and himself into a passing taxi cab before Klaus can say anything else. “Don’t stop, just keep going,” he tells the driver. The driver falters for a moment but does as he’s told, a bewildered look on his face as he continues to drive. Five tells him to take you back to the Academy.

“Do we have another plan?” you ask.

“Rest,” he says. “You need it, I need it, and I’ve been putting way too much pressure on you.”

Your eyes flutter in surprise. “Oh. Can we… Can we find Delores tonight?” you ask quietly.

Five smiles and squeezes your hand. “We can. But for now, we’re just going to rest.”

You nod, smiling back, and he puts his arms around you before teleporting to his room. “Will you read to me?”

He nods. “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland?” Your smile widens. He truly knows you as well as you know yourself. You nod. He grabs the book and lays back on his bed, pulling you close to him so your head is resting on his chest. “‘Chapter One,’” he reads, “‘Down the Rabbit Hole. Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, “and what is the use of a book,” thought Alice, “without pictures or conversation?”’”

You’re asleep before he can make it to the next sentence; even though Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is your favorite book of all time and you would never dream of falling asleep during a reading of it, the small bit of sleep you got last night was not nearly enough and you were too exhausted to stay awake even for Alice and her mad Wonderlandian friends.

When you’re shaken gently awake it’s dark outside, and Five whispers, “Do you still want to get Delores?”

The sleep immediately leaves your body and you sit up excitedly, nodding. Five smiles and teleports you outside, getting in the car and driving to Gimble Brothers. He teleports inside the now-locked store and grabs a flashlight off a rack so you can see more clearly. You walk through the store, searching for your beloved mannequin friend, and eventually spot her in between two other mannequins.

You smile. “Delores!” You run toward her, Five following close behind. “It’s so good to see you,” you tell her. “Five and I have missed you so incredibly much, isn’t that right, Five?”

Five nods with a small smile. “It’s been a rough couple of days,” he says softly.

The moment is perfect, for a second, and then it’s ruined by gunshots completely destroying your newly found friend. “No!” you scream, and Five grabs you, teleporting you out of harm’s way.

He peeks out from behind a rack of clothes. “Oh, shit, it’s them.”

“The Commission?” you whisper.

“Hazel and Cha-Cha.”

You press your hands to your mouth in horror. Hazel and Cha-Cha are the Commission’s most skilled assassins now that you and Five are gone. And they wouldn’t be here unless they were trying to kill you. You dart out from behind the clothes rack and grab the now broken Delores.

“(Y/N), no!” Five yells, pulling you back right after you get her. “Stay here,” he tells you, but you shake your head, not willing to let him fight Hazel and Cha-Cha on his own. “Please,” he whispers. “I can’t let anything happen to you.” You open your mouth to object but he teleports away, leaving you behind. You sit there, covering your ears and breathing heavily and hoping it’s over soon, and then Five comes back and he grabs you. “We’re getting out of here.” You hold on tight to Delores and he holds on tight to you, running and teleporting through the store to avoid the bullets.

He eventually stops behind a large desk, holding you and stroking your hand with his thumb until Hazel and Cha-Cha leave. You hear police sirens and take it as a sign to leave; he teleports out and back to the Academy. You run into Luther and Allison on your way upstairs.

“Five?” Allison says, concerned. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Are you okay?” Luther asks. “Can we help?” He reaches his hand out but Five grabs his arm before he can touch him.

“There’s nothing you can do,” Five says, voice shaking. “There’s nothing any of you can do.” He releases Luther’s arm and pulls you the rest of the way upstairs.

He pulls you close to him and buries his head into your shoulder, and after a moment you realize he’s crying. You wrap your arms around him and rub his back as he sobs, saying nothing until he finishes.