#nualabear

It has been six long months since I have smelt the fragrant waves of Pantene wafting from your long knotty hair, since I have brushed the subtle white specks of dandruff from your perfectly square shoulders. Time has passed but I know that your distinctive smell of both urine and cheap detergent will still be waiting in place of the normal rose scented perfume other people astutely use. Your shrill, beleaguering voice continues to arouse me from deep slumbers across our Skype screens and your excessively hairy pits beckon me home to lie dormant in the matted mess. My vulnerable arm lies comfortable away from your sweaty arms reach and I have not wake up to your nauseating, repulsive breath in quite some time.

I guess what I am trying to say, quite admirably in my opinion, is that I miss you so.

The quietest of whispers is carried between friends,

with mystical meaning to any bystander,

but which will carry prodigious sentiments amidst companions.

Emptiness follows those who do not apprehend the importance of finding your cohort.

The pleasure that pursues from an empathetic hand,

the compassionate grasp shared amid two individuals,

once blank canvases,

now a mirror image of the malady and gaiety each other have grappled with.

Party Mix - Sarah Szanto.

Mountains, Elephant Love Medley, Drops of Jupiter - Nuala Bear.

After Hours - Luke Bear.

He's a tramp, Hakuna Matata, perfect isn't easy - Danielle.

Running up that Hill, In these shoes - Daddy.

Cebrew - Marjorie.

Beating Hearts Baby - Logarol.

Dirty Little Secret, super bass - Cassie.

On The Floor - Everyone in Beijing.

Anything Doctor Horrible - Joseph.

Telephone - Sue Bear.

Boom Boom Pow - Jocelyn.

Ow girl shake it shake it - Shivvy.

Dance with me Tonight - Tracy.

The Cave - Maryke.

One of Us, Elephant Love Medley, Hakuna Matata, On My Own  - Helen.

La la and Chessie finally galloped back with Pepo. Pepo was sober and had been on a crazy detox for a month so was a bit shaky and he was not getting his normal intake of alcohol. What they found when they arrived was extremely stressful for the magical creatures. Phlem sat in a huge puddle of slime. It was coming out of her Kraken so thick and fast it, Davebomb had had no choice but to get many of his sea urchins to build a big wall surrounding Phlem, placing her in a reservoir of slime. She bobbed up and down with an amused look in her eye.

‘What an earth have you done to Daminion? Have you managed to capture Naphet and put her in your kraken with him?’ asked La la with slight dismay.

‘Don’t worry dear, he is having lots of fun, we’ve given him a console with star wars on… the slime wouldn’t stop after that.’

Everyone understood straight away. Daminion got quite excited over Star Wars, so excited the goo and slime was uncontrollable.

‘Where is Phes?’

‘There is a slight problem there Davebomb… Umm, well, ummm…’ stumbled Chessie.

‘Spit it out girl!’ Bellowed Dave.

‘The blobs heard of this plan and they have kidnapped Phes my lord.’

‘WHAT…’ Davebomb shouted so loud the whole land shock and every small creature found the nearest cavern, crack and hole they could find to hind in. Every single creature on Mars knew that when there was an irate Davebomb, things would start crashing down around them.

‘There is more news my lord’ said Pepo. ‘They have put Naphet into their safe place that no one has ever found. I think the blobs even lost it once it’s so safe.’

‘There is only one thing we can do… We must save the Wizard from the land of you Think Dragons are bad, You Should see what we have guarding the princess’.

Everyone gasped.

‘You can’t possibly think to send us there my lord!? No one has ever survived a trip there.’ Pepo said.

‘You’re right my dear centaur, however, we have never sent an army.’ Davebomb grinned.

‘An army sire? What army would this be? We don’t have an army.’ Asked Pepo.

Davebomb got out a hollowed fish, which had been dried into the shape of a horn, brought it to his lips, took a deep breath before blowing into it. Three bellowing blows and an almighty crack was heard.

Over the horizon, millions of fish folk, aliens, centaurs, unicorns, blobs and all other manner of creatures that consumed Mars came trotting towards the gathering.

‘This is my army. They were bread for my purposes and have been trained since birth for this very occasion my dear friends.’ Boomed Davebomb.

‘For rescuing a dragonfly and a blob from the mermaids my lord?’ whispered Chessie.

‘For rescuing the wizard and the Princess my dear friends. For the wizard knows exactly where the secret hiding place is, and he is the only one.’

‘And the princess sire?’

As Davebomb pondered of this situation of Daminion and Naphet the beautiful blob it saddened him, amused him slightly to, but mostly saddened him. He looked at the slimmed up, almond head shaped alien in front of him and pitied him more than anything or anyone had ever pitied anything ever in the history of everything… Daminion was really that much of a failure. He couldn’t help it; it was just his look, his face, his whole demeanour. Poor, sad, little slimy Daminion.

Davebomb pondered, and made La La dance merrily as he did so. He stood by her so he could feel her long tail thrash against his large chest and groaned slightly every time it did so. Chessie had to keep Daminion occupied so he did not spit ferociously all over Davebomb, which was hard, as all poor Daminion could think about was Naphet the beautiful blob.

Davebomb could take no more of this pondering malarkey and knew he was going to have to get some help from the wise and wonderful Sea Witch Phlem. She was the sea witch because her boobs had hypnotised many men and if any creature from Mars were bad they were sent to her for a good old seeing to with a spatula. She had 50 arms so she would make sure they had every part of the body slapped and then, for good measure she would make them lightly spank her 50 times on the bum before making them sleep in her mighty cavern, also known as the kraken.  

Phlem the sea witch was summoned for and aroused from her sleep, setting forth her prisoners from the night before, that’s right, she could have more than 1 man in her kraken, up to 10 on a good day. She rather enjoyed her kraken being full, and every now and again, she and Davebomb would have a game of spatulas and he would sleep in her kraken whilst she slept in his love nest, also known as a bin.

Phlem sat there sulkily after having to realise her prisoners and Davebomb had no choice but to place a spatula into minion’s hands and get him to gently tease her supple behind with it. She sat and wriggled in delight and was able to sit down to business.

Davebomb and Phlem sat and studied Daminion long and hard, sometimes squinting at his almond head and then whispering something behind hands and giggling. La La and Chessie had, at this point started falling asleep next to one another, until La La started to snuggle up to Chessie because she ‘thought it was Pepo’. They rested silently, smacking Daminion with their tails every time they felt his urge to projectile spit violently.

Davebomb gave a loud cry and everyone jumped up, unfortunately Daminion could not control himself and slime went everywhere. They found themselves swallowing it, it came out with so much force and energy. I think it is safe to say, no one enjoyed that particular meal time.

Once upon a time, way up high, on planet Mars, there was an alien. Now this Alien was a strange being, not because he was an alien, but because his head was shaped like an almond instead of round like the other aliens in his race, he had a little pot belly, unlike his slender tall alien friends and he had a receding hairline unlike his friends who all had Afros.

Daeminion was the lonely little slime balls name. He wasn't a slime ball in the way that he greased girls up the wrong way, he just had an abnormal amount of slime coming from his arm pits. They were at there worst when a beautiful blob named Naphet would appear. She was a very lovely blob, a blob that had the ability to change between red and blonde and still be the most beautiful blob in blob land which was just a few miles down from sadokingdom, Daeminions home town.

Anyway, Daeminion had been fond of Naphet the blob for a long, long time, but didn't know how to tell her. He allowed other blobs to get there way with her and just sit and watch.

This was sad for all of Daminions friends to see for they all knew how much he loved her.

Lala and chessie, beautiful unicorns from the land of beauty, sparkle and magnificence, who liked to pretend they were screamapillars and climb into each others beds when the other one didn't know, would always trot with Daminion, trying not to be drowned in his slime, and give him advice on his unfortunate love choice, but they could never come up with anything because Daminions slime got worse and worse the more they talked about her and sometimes it would spit furociously everywhere when he was allowed to think of her alone so they had to try and keep his mind from wondering.

Lala and Chessie came to such a loss one day when Daminions premature and projectile spitting came to its worse that they had to go and consult the wise and wonderful Davebomb.

Davebomb was the creature that controlled all the rivers that ran around Mars. He was the sea king and would water bomb any creature imposing in his waters and would help in wars when anything threatened Mars. Now normally Davebomb would not bother himself with immortal, slimy, ugly aliens like daminion but because of Lalas and Chessies pure and wonderful glow he had no choice but to help, at a price. He propositioned Lala, and wanted her in his lovenest, also known as a bin. She was distressed, what would her centaur Pepo think? Pepo was a grand centaur, but at times, if he had not had his fill of spirits that day, he could become awfully clumsy and reckless. His favourite past time with his fellow centaurs was to eat their sick off the floor. It became so tasty to them, they have a celebratory day where they would be sick everywhere and then go around eating it all up. Nom nom nom.

Lala took one for the team and rubbed davebomb all over, up and down and got down and kinky in his luuuuurevnest.

Davebomb then sat back on his watery thrown and summoned his minion, Ulke, to stroke whilst he made his decisions. He always had to keep an eye on his minion as he was a dirty Jew and gay, that was why he was a minion, because he was a filthy creature, the worst kind of creature, but there were very few of them and Dave liked being able to stoke him. Sometimes, without anyone's knowledge, he would take Ulke to his love nest and show him all kind of funky moves...

1. I miss the way she climbs into my bed when someone else is already occupying it with me.

2. I miss her being RIGHT there.

3. I miss our screamapilla ways.

4. I miss her wardrobe, makeup and anything else I used to steal ;)

5. I miss her dirty feet/ legs.

6. I miss her singing / wailing.

7. I miss her party play lists.

8. I miss her sweatiness on a night out.

9. I miss being able to walk into her room in heels and a bikini.

10. I miss her hangover face.

11. I miss our movie days.

12. I miss our pre - drinks.

13. I miss her made up drinking games to get us drunk as quick as we can.

14. I miss our photo shoots.

15. I miss walking into her face when I stroll into her room in a bask and she pretends to hate it but secretly loves it.

16. I miss her winning smile.

17. I miss her toilet role ;)

18. I miss her 4 bra attempt at big boobs.

19. I miss her advice.

20. I miss her themes.

21. I miss winging when I try to convince her to come out when she knows all along she is gonna come out.

22. I miss bullying people with her, mainly Dave.

23. I miss her taste in trashy TV.

24. I miss her 'glow' and her morning sickness.

25. I miss her declarations of love on my facebook wall.

26. I miss her 'shark week'.

27. I miss her tingling ovaries.

28. I miss her judgemental ways.

29. I miss the way she was brutally murdered by an Indian tribe.

30. I miss her celestial bond.

31. I miss waking up to her spooning me and her pretending it was because she thought I was Pete.

32. I miss having one pint, 27 and a rose.

33. I miss her gyrating.

34. I miss her being Nicole and me being Ewan.

35. I miss her finger in my soup.

36. I miss her telling me how old I am.

37. I miss asking her errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr many errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr questions ;)

38. I miss her sexual work out videos she gets me to do... THRUST.

39. I miss her whiny voice *WHINKEY FACE*

40. I miss her crazily stealing signs when drunk and finding mini hoovers.

41. I miss getting her into trouble.

42. I miss walking into her room and her asking me if last nights drunken events were a dream.

43. I miss her rolling around on my bed.

44. I miss our happy hangover film days e.g. Passion of the Christ, Titanic, etc.

45. I miss her owing me a new Michelin motha f****.

46. I miss her evil laugh.

47. I miss hiding behind bramble and singing awfully with her.

48. I miss walking into her room with a broken kneecap and her telling me to go back to bed.

49.I miss the way she makes me cry with laughter!