#notsuicidal

I died.

I came back alive.

I live in a big house.

I live in a happy house.

I have a mom and a dad and a sister.

My mom loves me.

My dad loves me.

My sister loves me.

I have a dog.

My parents can afford me.

My parents can afford my sister.

My parents can afford my tuition and car and living.

My parents love me.

My parents tell me every night that they love me.

My parents show me that they love me.

My mom makes me breakfast pancakes on my birthday and sings to me.

My dad buys me my favorite cereal and fills my car with gas.

My sister and I share love and laughs. We never want to move away.

My sister and I never got beaten, scratched, tied up.

My sister and I never had to survive. We simply lived.

My sister didn’t have to stay in a loveless relationship.

I didn’t have to try to hurt myself at every chance.

I didn’t have to constantly cry myself to sleep and wish I could die.

The pain disappears when I can’t feel anything.

I am growing increasingly frustrated with not feeling good enough. Literally everything I say and do feels wrong all of the time. Its been this way for years. But as im growing older the angry voices in my head get louder. 

“No one likes you”

“No one could love you”

“You are a dissapointment”

“You are a failure”

“You always say the wrong things”

“You shouldn't have been born”

“You should just end it”

                        “Shut us out” the voices are taunting. “you can try and silence us but you are trapped there just like we are”

But I can't! Why can't I get control over these voices. Over the knowledge that they are right. That I wasn't a desired pregnancy; nothing but the product of an abusive father and the raping of my mother. How do I get over the knowledge that I dropped out of college, not once or twice but several times. I take pride in the fact that I keep trying, but it never amounts to anything, and now im stuck in a job I want out of. 

Trapped. I feel so trapped. Trapped in my job, my mind, sometimes my marriage. I love my wife and couldn't have lowered the volume of my mind for as long as I have with out her being there. But still trapped I feel. But why? Why do I feel trapped? I have the job I wanted since I was a child, the woman I've been in love with for 18 years, a new car, financial stability, friends, and overall a decent life. Yet still that word yells and screams in my head. Trapped Trapped Trapped! I need help. But I can't seem to find it. Maybe I don't want it? Maybe I want to just take a quick and easy out. I have that gun in the safe under the jewelry cabinet... It has no bullets but that's an easy fix....No I won't do that. I couldn't. Coward....Im not a coward. Im brave and strong to still be standing after all this time with those screams in my head. sometimes they sound like my mother “I don't like you.” Others my father “I don't know who you are, you aren't my son”, or the louder and meaner “ill show you hurt” I hear these words as loud as I did the moments they were spoken to me. often followed by a blow to the face.

Im hurting inside, so much pain. And I just want it out.....Trapped..... Trapped in my own damn mind! Is there no way to silence them, no way to be free? I want to be free. To feel happy and to appreciate the fact I have almost everything I've ever wanted in life. But I can't figure it out. Flip the switch in my mind....how do I do that when I can't even navigate the dark places to find the switch?!