Sad Girls Club

I never thought I’d forget what it feels like to be in your arms. I didn’t think the last time I touched you, would be the last time. The restless nights I spent crying. No longer exist. The person you broke is pushed so far back. I don’t know if I’d recognize her voice if she spoke to me. From friends, to lovers, to strangers. If it all would’ve flashed before my eyes before I met you. I don’t think I would’ve done it. No. I know I wouldn’t have done it. The pain of having my heart torn out of my chest was enough to teach me not to ever love and hurt like I once did. I won’t hate. I can’t. I’m made of pure love. But I won’t allow myself to be burned in a world filled with lighters. The pieces I thought would never be whole again, are slowly coming together. The tears have dried. I never thought I would get here. I can finally look at our old pictures and no longer cry. I didn’t lose anything. I lost myself for a moment. But I found her and she’s full of life. She’s full of love. The only pain left, is the pain in knowing, I loved you like no other but it’s gone now. No one will ever love you like that. You didn’t love me enough. And I will find more. But you will never find more. Someone loving you like that only comes around once in this lifetime. And you threw your chance away.

There I am again. Holding the knife so close to my chest. It’s as if my body craves the feeling of blood flowing down my chest and onto my legs. The warmth brings me comfort of a time you once wrapped me in false affection and lies. I know not to pierce my heart- yet my hands can’t help but tremble in temptation. The agony I’m so used to keeps me up at night- how can I sleep with no pain in my heart?

Sometimes I wonder why my heart needs to be broken so much before it feels whole again? Why must so much of me be broken in order for me to understand? Understand that I’m not capable of being loved past my expiration date. I’m not capable of being anyone’s person. Other girls get love letters, poems, flowers even. I get nothing. Not even an i love you. I don’t care that it’s not sincere or genuine, I care that I feel it. You can’t even pretend to hide your anger towards me for more than a second. I cry myself to sleep. You sleep fine. My heartbreak was never felt by anyone besides me. I pick up the broken pieces because I can’t let her fall. Just a shell of a human body, floating around. I don’t even recognize her anymore.

What I would give in this world to not feel so exhausted.

I just want to feel at home. These days I don’t even recognize the woman I have become. I never let people come in and tear at my foundations like they have. I always used to sleep so peacefully and love so hard. I can’t remember the last time I slept in peace. The love I give hurts me so badly. It cuts me so deeply. But the love I receive is so light. You can rid of it with a breeze. I sometimes wonder where I went wrong? Is it all my fault? I apologize for being so damaged. But no one cares. I’m not even a person to them.

The amount of love I’ve given compared to the amount I’ve received, makes me sick.