#notsosilly

It's actually kinda prophetic and beautiful, to have returned to myself and wear the exact same piece of clothing I did when I was younger and uninfluenced in gender and sexuality. I was always queer, but 15 was a hard time to be trans (if the name "Kalvin Garrah" or "Blaire White" ring any bells to you, then I'm sure you get it). I was trying so damn hard to be something I wasn't. And I was worse off in many more aspects than my gender because of it, because of how deeply I needed validation. It was horrendous.

And I won't lie, it can stay with you. I am transmasculine, I LIVED the trans man experience in highschool, so the ideals the community used to carry aren't ones I can completely get rid of. I no longer agree with or endorse them, but they can still slip in my mind from time to time. And it's like, literally okay, like I'm fine. But yk, right?

And yet, against all odds, I am happy again. I am feminine, and playful about my gender. And no longer needing to justify myself to anyone- it's a feeling the likes of which is rare as a 20 y/o I've found. Getting to be sure about anything is a fucking luxury at this stage in life 😭 hell I was sure I was bisexual for literally 19 or so years. And don't even get me started on anything related to college, but that's a whole other thing.

My point is, I am exactly who I was meant to become gender wise. And there is still work yet to be done yes. I am still transitioning. But I'm at peace with what I am. I am comfortable, cozy even. And I retain the fluidity needed to give myself grace when I don't need a certain expectation. Or even grace if I decide 18 years from now that I might be something other than transmasculine/transgender.

And when I think of how I feel now, it is though a piece of my soul takes shape and reaches through my history to touch its mirror image, that same soul that belonged to me when I was 13. Human beings are so incredible in many ways, and you often hear this remarked upon in regards to our ability to evolve, grow, and build. But the elasticity of us never ceases to amaze me. I have stretched and bent and reformed time and time and time again. And yet, I have morphed back into shape. Like a rubber band. And I am still whole. And idk, that's beautiful to me.