#notsent

How are you? How has your summer been so far? I've been well - being home is fun. My brother is enjoying having me around to do all sorts of 'cool magic tricks' as he still calls them. They've actually taken me moving out pretty well as long as we still have a weekly dinner

I just want to say I don't regret what happened

I miss you

We're still friends right? I don't think

I don't really know what to say. I've haven't heard from you and I don't know what that means

I'll be in London for the day next week I was wondering if we could 

How has your summer been? I know I haven't talked to you in a while but I've been busy with my family and I didn't really know what to say

Dear you, hello.

As you progress reading this letter you will find that I am not here to fix  things, or to randomly ask loose questions of what we could have been. I am here to talk my truth, my honest thoughts, to sing you the melody that my heart is playing. And if you don't want to hear it,  maybe because you are afraid you will dance along or maybe because it just not appeal to you at all, I strongly suggest you to quit this now.

I want to start explaining the simplicity of my acts. I felt that on my special day it would be important for you to be with me.  Not only that, I told you that one year before, that the only thing I wanted was your presence. No present, be present. You promised.

Now, near to the expected date, almost an year later, you are saying you "probably can't go". You are not even saying "Ok babe, I know how this is important to you but I have give a thought on it and I really won't be able to make it, i have no choice"... But I know why you are not saying it this way, it is because you have choices... You have at least 3 ways that you could make this work, but you are too cold for that.

I am not even going to discuss what you could have done, because it is an absurd that I must think of this for you. That I am the one to stress ten or more times that you have to do your best.

But the true is, no matter how important things are to me, if you don't agree with it, you won't make it. I have never been more honest about one thing that was important to me and yet you talked to me as if I were being a spoiled bitch playing emotional games.

Remember your sister and that ex-boyfriend she had that whas your friend? Remember that they broke up because of a birthday gift? Does that make her spoiled? Or does that make him the douchebag? It is not about the gift, at all... You know that.

I feel like the hugest idiot when I have to ask you to be with me, yet I do because I find that pride does not make me as happy as your presence does. But this time, I had stepped over pride, if not self respect, and had open my heart to how I feel and why I think you could work your way, but said that if you really couldn't go to let me know and I wouldnt speak of it again.

And guess what? You don't like my attitude.

And you know why you don't like my attitude? Because you are cold hearted. Because you think this is all bullshit. Because of the end of the day you don't respect my needs or wishes of way or thinking and you repress me with your ideals. You don't feed who I am, you repress me. How is that love? Love feeds people to be themselves.

We have spoken about it before, remember? Exactly 24 hours before you did this again. You apologized. You said you understood, you said you would make an effort not to do it again. You lied.

You lied when you said you would come no matter what, you lied when you said you would listen to my needs with respect, you lied when you said you were going to come on surprise but you don't like my attitiude and now you feel you should not going. And if this is true, you lied to me when you said you would not go.

Your words are worth shit.

And you know why? Because you are cold-hearted. And having to do an effort to see me is too much. Its a huge favor actually. I should get on my knees and thank you. And probably blow you.

And your excuses are the worst, the most lame I could ever hear. You said you are not going but you are actually thinking of going all the time but now you don't like my attitude. Is that a test? Is that a test just like what happened to your sister and her ex?

Guess what, I FAILED THE TEST. And I would on purpose fail it again and again if being tested again.

I don't want to be tested on my birthday like your sister, which you said you understood. I want to be loved.

And finally, you gave me a cold speech on how brutal I was being when I spoke to you of how non-special my birthday would feel with a routine dinner with my parents only at a stupid restaurant in this town and GUESS WHAT? You are an hipocrate. Because less than 24 hours after that you were the one complaining of how unspecial your own birthday went, an exactly dinner with your family and well, me.

And probably now you are just mad I can antecipate the problem and work on building an more enjoyable day on my birthday then you did. At least I don't expect people to do it for me. At least I'm frizzing how better my stupid dinner would be with you. While you are saying how stupid your dinner, with me, went.

As for my paper on your day, one thing I have to say is I did my best. Maybe it was not enough for you, but I did and I am sorry you feel this way. I tought I had made you happy that day. You looked at me happy. You smiled the sweetest. I opened my heart... But I guess you just tricked me again.

Honesty plays a big part in my ideals. And I can not practice with you without being punished by it. You name my honesty "sentimental games to make you feel bad", "egoism" and "being spoiled" but, for the last time, I was just speaking from my heart, and I did give you the option at the end of the day if you tried and couldn't make it. But the most absurd was having to persist for you to try.

Well, the cards were played and know the words are said. The last simple thing I want to tell you is take care. Not of who you are - because that you do with chinese walls for protection - but of the love you receive.

Take care of anyone willing to spend their own time in your benefit. Take care for anyone who care for you, take care of all people who feel you are important to them. Take care for anyone sharing their precious feelings with you. I am predicting you will hate to find out you let their love slip through your fingers like it was abundant thin sand that you can always put your hands on again. You can't. So, take care.

Honestly,

Me.