In mornings, I am usually having a battle with myself, whether I go up, or just stay in bed.
This phrase is not only applicable for me, however, I am personally having a battle with this condition every single day. Alarm, snooze alarms, alright, I’m already awake. The next question will be: “What out there is worthy of being up?” or maybe just a line like “I’m still tired.” even though I was asleep for about twelve hours or more. I used to be excited for every McDonald’s pancakes, or maybe Nanay Letty’s bowl of lugaw with a bunch of pandesal every morning.
What Happened to mornings?
June 17, 2019. First ever morning that I woke up in a different bed, with different strangers around me, preparing for school and getting in their white shirt and denim jeans. Yup, It’s the first day of school in Philippine Normal University, a.k.a., Inang P. Yay! first day to your teaching journey is hereeeeee!
(Picture was taken before I rocked my first day in Inang P.)
It was nice. and happy. and. and.
Lonely.
At first I really thought it was gonna be like a “No-Rules-From-My-Ever-Strict-Parents” kind of life, that’s going to be so much fun, but it’s not. Each Mornings that came to pass made each day less worthy of getting up. To the point that I just want to quit the cycle, having no point of purpose. I just want to stay away and never show up. Like ever. I just want to sleep my life out, and believe me, If I could just hibernate away from this life, I would.
Having a history of being mentally unsound, the University clinic asked me for an updated assessment of my condition. Guess what? The results were far worse than the first one I submitted before I entered Inang P.
To head on how I am going to end this article by a positive coping mechanism with my inadequacy, let me just share more things that worsen my desire to just lay in bed forever. The fact that I am not yet enrolled, and that I am having problems with my scholarship because of being not enrolled YET (yup, yet, bacause I’m working my way out of this problem and I’ll be admitted soon, promise ;) )
Before the admissions and the clinic let me get enrolled, they require me an updated result of psych assessment, and a clearance of being fit-to-go-to-school that will be released after a series of counselling and therapies that I will be having for the next few days, or even weeks.
I know everything is going to be better. I know I will be better. Having the love around me getting intense as the days go by, every thing is going to be fine.
For now, I am trying my best to choose happiness over despair in having loneliness by my side every morning. I always have a choice - This should stay in my mind.
