#nothingasitseems

Maddie couldn’t understand, no maybe she just didn’t want to. It was all just too much. First the fire truck, then the close call at Bobby’s Barbecue. Now the Tsunami. It’s as if her brother was a danger magnet. 

Honestly , why is it always Buck? Why is it always her brother? 

She thought about it but was unable to come up with anything, she understands that some people just have bad luck. It just seems like Buck has the universe out to get him.  

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Ring-Ring 

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The sound of the phone catches Maddie’s attention. Right, she's at work. She closes her eyes, sighing. 

It's time to stay focused and work out what she’s feeling later. Shaking off her thoughts and bringing her attention back to the matter at hand. She goes into an autopilot like state, as she presses the answer button. 

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” 

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Sighing, Maddie takes off her ear piece. It was finally her break time. She normally didn’t want to rush to break but there was just one call that made it seem like the call with Buck was just hours ago. It wasn’t exactly the same, however that did not prevent it from rushing the same emotions and bringing her back to that moment. 

“ Hello?” 

“H-Hey it’s me.” 

Maddie instantly grows confused, and concerned her brother sounds out of breath and nervous? No, not nervous, more like he was scared. 

“Buck? Where are you? I don’t know this number.”   

“ I-I borrowed someone else’s phone, Maddie I need your help.” 

Eyes knitting together in more confusion, as she tries to relax. 

 “ Okay, um,” She paused as she was processing everything. Getting a few seconds lost in her thoughts. 

Shaking her head as she thinks.

‘ Oh my god, is he hurt? Wait no, don’t panic yet, maybe he just needs to talk or check in on everything. ’ She nods, taking a breath as she continues. 

“Tell me what’s wrong, are you hurt?” 

“Eddie, he uh dropped Christopher off with me,” 

She nods her head slightly, taking in the information as she tries to process it.  

“He t-thought, you know t-that do-doing some activities with him would get me out of my apartment and” He paused for a second. “ a-and out of my head.”

Maddie sucked in a breath, knowing how Buck has been feeling lost lately. She planned on checking in on him after work today, but it appears Eddie got to him first. Which honestly  doesn’t surprise her, after all they're very close. He was probably just as worried about him as she was. 

Not understanding how it’s all related yet. She decided to stay quiet and listen to see what her brother wanted to say. 

“Maddie, I brought him to the pier.” 

Her heartbeat skips a beat, eyes widening ever so slightly. Concern and worry grow as she realizes he was at the worst possible part. She thought he was safe, not at the start of all this destruction. Is he hurt? Is that why he’s calling? Is that why he won’t tell her anything? Maybe it’s something worse.

‘Okay okay, you have to stay calm. Say something or even ask something.’ 

“Oh my god, you were there?” 

That isn’t exactly what she wanted to say, but it was something. All she knows is that she wants to go and meet up with him. She needs to see for herself if her brother is okay. She doesn’t get a chance to ask where he is because he speaks first. 

“I had h-him alright Mads. I had him, ” His voice cracks near the end of her name and it feels like a punch in the gut. Right. Christopher, he was with Buck. Oh god, if anything happened to him she knows Buck will blame himself. Even if it wasn’t his fault. 

“ I-I-I kept him safe!”  Her eyes tear up as she listens to him. God, she loved her brother, but it’s not if he asked to be in the middle of a Tsunami. 

“We- um we were on top of the ladder truck and then the water receded.” 

Her worries increased as he wasn’t really making any sense. She can somewhat understand that something might have happened. Even with that she knows she’s missing part of the story. She just wishes she could know if he’s okay and if Christopher was. 

“Okay, you're not answering me, are you injured, bleeding?” 

“No! No, it doesn’t matter!” Her hold on the phone tightens ever so slightly. As a bit of anger rises. What does he mean it doesn’t matter? Of course it matters. He’s her brother, her little brother! If he’s hurt she has to know. She can get him help or even just directions. She needs him to be okay. 

“Don’t you hear what I’m saying!” Of course she is, that's what has her all concerned. 

“C-Christopher…..he’s gone. I checked the emergency refugee camps at the promenade..a-a-and at the h—high school.” 

She sucks in a breath. As she tries to calm her, racing heart. She can’t get too emotional, she needs to stay calm. She clears her mind as she starts to think. Suddenly the VA Hospital came to mind. Right. Maybe Christopher’s already there and both of them are worried for nothing. 

“Okay, did you check the VA hospital, the Command center, you know, on Sawtelle?” 

“I’m here now and he..” He stops talking, and she holds her breath. 

“God….God.God no….” She hears quick movement over the line as her brother sounds worse. He’s whispering, why is he whispering? Her once-level head is going everywhere. 

“What?” Oh please be okay. 

She hears him take a breath before he speaks. 

“Eddie, he’s here”  

She relaxes ever so slightly, knowing it wasn’t something that she needed to worry about. It was just Eddie, who could probably help him find Christopher and calm him down. But first she needs to make sure her brother tells him. 

“Does he know what happened? Evan you have to tell him.” 

“How? How do you tell your best friend that you lost his son? ``He sounded so hurt but he needs to tell him. It’s like he said it’s his son. 

“No, no, no. He’s his father. You have to tell him Christopher is missing.” 

“N-No, Maddie I need to keep looking for him. I need to find him.”  God damnit! No, he doesn't, he's probably in no condition to do so. 

“Buck, you are in condition to go looking for Christopher by yourself.” Which only means she needs to get there to help her little brother. 

“I’m coming down there” Ignoring the hushed no’s she hangs up and stands ready to head down and help anyway she can.

Maddie jumps when a hand lands on her shoulder.  She turns and sees Josh, who has concerns written all over his face. Right. Work. 

“Are you okay? You're crying.” 

She blinked, she's crying? She hadn’t noticed, of course, she was too far in her memories to catch. That isn’t the issue anymore, but she’s at work and can’t get too emotional. She plasters on a small smile as she looks up at him and responds. 

“Y-yeah I’m okay I just was caught up in an old call.” His eyes soften as he nods. He goes to leave her be, but stops turning back towards her again. 

“I know that you came in today to get away from certain thoughts, but I think you should go home.”

He seems nervous, almost as if he’s scared to hurt her. Even if she knows that’s impossible to do. Though it seems that he wasn’t done.

“Not that it’s not great to have you here, it’s just, you know after everything with the Tsunami and with....” 

Before he could get the words out she decides she has heard enough. Maybe it is possible that he could get her emotions wild a bit. 

“ No, no Josh it’s okay, I’m okay.” He looks at her unconvinced but she doesn’t want him to worry, because honestly she is fine. Or at least she will be. 

“I promise, I’ll even take a trip outside for fresh air. Okay? So stop worrying and please don’t- don’t just don’t say anything” 

He looks at her as if he’s analyzing everything she just said. He nods and slumps in defeat. 

“A-alright, but Maddie. You can come talk with me, you know that right?” 

She stands, as she gives him a nod and a small smile before she starts walking out to the elevator. She thinks she needs that fresh air right about now. 

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Sitting and relaxing on the bench was nice and a bit refreshing with all the fresh air. Maddie might have only been outside for three to four minutes, but it still helped even if it was only a little bit. She was glad she decided to do this. It was getting cooped up being inside work and then with Josh’s talk it got almost suffocating. 

She knows he means well, but she came to work for a reason and she was happy to be here. Everyone needed to stop worrying because honestly she was fine. Before she could continue with her thoughts a familiar voice spoke up. 

“I see you decided to go to work today?” 

She tenses ever so slightly as she looks over towards someone she wasn’t expecting to see. Buck. God damn it Josh. He probably gave him a call and now she had to make sure he wasn’t worried about her too. She sighed,

“I’m fine Buck, did Josh really call you to check in on me? Really I’m okay, I don't need to be checked in on. I’m not the one who got stuck in a Tsunami and I’m not someone who lost anything.” Her breath caught in her throat as the words came out. Shit. She didn't mean for that to come out. 

Buck stance tenses ever so slightly and whatever small smile was on his face fell. He looks away from her towards the ground as he clutches his fists and shoves them into his pocket. 

“I’m sorry Buck- I-I” but he cut her off.

“No no, it’s- I mean I get it” he looks back up towards as he walks over and takes a seat next to her. He locks eyes with her giving a small smile. 

“ I just wish you didn’t push yourself, you have the right to feel upset you know?” 

Upset? Why would she need to be upset? The anger that was present earlier returned as her calmness vanished. 

“Upset? Buck what right do I have to feel upset. That day I only got a scare when you gave me a call. It’s not as if I was hurt like so many other people where.” 

The smile on his face falls slightly as he looks a bit guilty. Looking down while nodding. God, she didn’t mean to make him feel guilty, she just wanted to get back to how things were. 

“Y-yeah, sorry about that.” He look back up towards her, as he continued. “I-I really am.” Her eyes water slightly as she nods and looks away from him. Right now she wished he wasn’t here. Her emotions are all over the place and she does not want him to see her like this. Even so she can’t keep letting him blame himself for this. 

“No, no, it’s okay Buck. Nothing that you needed to be sorry for. It was a natural disaster Buck……y-you couldn’t have predicted….” Her voice catchers in her throat as her eyes start to sting. Honestly she wishes she could just stop feeling or even stop crying today. Can’t he just see that she needs time? Can’t anyone? 

“Hey,hey, hey. None of that.” He gently grabs her face as he makes her look back at him. “It’s okay, everything’s okay. Christopher’s okay, Eddie’s okay, your okay….” 

Finally all her emotions seem to switch fueling her anger to her boiling point. 

“No! No! It’s not okay Buck! I don’t care about them! I don’t care if they're okay, or if I’m okay. I care about you! I care about what happened to you, don’t you see that! You scared me so much- I mean, I-I was so scared of losing you! I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to hear your voice ever again! I can’t live without you Buck, I can’t, and I don’t want to. You mean so much to me if I lost you...” Her voice cracks near the end as she shuts her eyes tight, shaking her head to get that thought out of her head. Tears flow down her cheeks as she lets out a sob. Suddenly she’s pulled into a tight embrace that spreads warmth and protection. 

“Shh, it's okay Mad, I’m right here…” He starts gently rubbing her back. She holds him tighter as she nods. Sniffing, her words coming back to her, she pauses. 

“I-I, didn’t mean it like that…….I care about them, its just- Buck I can’t do this with out you. You are so important. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same if something where to happen to you..” 

The hold on her tightens as she hears his words catching in his throat, but he clears his throat.

“I knew what you meant Mads, just-” He paused a second. As what, she assumes he’s trying to get the right words together. She takes a breath and almost smiles at the thought. Who knew her having a breakdown could get her brother speechless. She starts to calm down a bit, as she listens to the nature around them waiting for him to continue. 

“ I love you so so much you know that right?” She tightens her hold on him as she nods. Of course, she knows that. 

“A-and you can get through this. I know you can, I don’t need to be here in order for that to happen.” She tenses, she is not liking what she is hearing. Of course she needs him, she’ll always need her little brother. She doesn’t admit it often enough, but he is one of the reasons why she fought so hard to survive. It would kill her to not have him around. 

“ Do you want to know why?” She could only nod again because she was fighting back the anger and sadness from where this talk was headed. 

“It’s because you're the bravest, strongest and most badass women I have ever met. You know how to survive, you know how to live. A-and I-if I wasn’t here I know that you’ll be just fine, because you would be able adapt and move on. Y-you don’t need me like I need you.” 

Breath catching in her throat as she let out a sob and shook her head. No. That’s not at all true. She will always need Buck, he’s her rock, her brother. She loves him so much and if she didn’t have him. She’ll feel so isolated, so alone. 

“N-no I’ll always need you Buck, always.” He lets out a choked up sad laugh. 

“Well I’ll always be with you, no matter what. You would have our memories and stories to remember me- “ She shakes her head as she pulls away, he needs to stop.

“I don’t want just your memories! I want you here Evan!” His eyes went wide as she noticed that he appeared to have started crying as well. Her anger vanishes as she looks at his face, he looks so sad. It breaks- no it shatters her heart. 

“Ev-Evan I’m sorry, I just- I don’t want you to talk like that.” His shock leaves his face, but the tears continue to flow as he takes a gulp, nodding.

“No I-I know, I’m sorry it’s just I know how you are. You’ll feel angry, sad, and guilt Mads. You would blame yourself, and I want to make sure you know that you don’t have to do that. I don’t want you working your self to death,  I want to make sure you’ll be okay, because-” He paused as he gently places his hand on her shoulder. 

“You’re not alone even without me Maddie, you have Howie, Josh, and you’ll have the 118 team. I need you to remember that. You have so many other people who will be here when I do go and I don’t want you to stop caring or living  because of losing me.” She takes a breath. 

Realization hits her like a pile of bricks, she understands now. Her eyes soften as the tears continue to flow. 

“Y-you’re right, Buck..” He grows a smile as he stands offering his hand.