#notdoingwork

Fuck this shit, I’m done.

….is the general feeling that’s pretty much taking over me right now. I think I’ve struggled for a long time trying to get over the feeling that I’m the permanent third wheel with every single one of my friends. And I mean this in the most literal possible way, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS. (it’s so hard to capitalize words without sounding like you’re pissed at the world. I’m not, just trying to emphasize and all that shit) I love my friends, to bits. If someone truly matters to me, it kinda really sticks hard with me. However, many a times this backfires, with me feeling quite emotionally distraught.  I’ve come to accept that that’s my own personal problem, though. I shouldn’t blame someone else for how I’m feeling, right? But is that how this is really supposed to go?

I am constantly at battle with myself, forever trying to figure out what is wrong and what is right. As I type this right now, I’m at debating in my head about the concept of friendship. Am I overreacting? Or do I have a legitimate reason to feel the way I feel? It kinda sucks. Cause to be honest this is way worse than physically hurting yourself. Break the skin; see the blood, away with the emotional pain. I, on the other hand, am generating said emotional pain on a daily basis, forever feeling pretty shitty with my life and myself.

Well that got pretty deep and depressing.

I digress.

But you know what, why do I always have to be the person initiating communication. AND AT THE SAME TIME why do I have to feel guilty for not initiating conversation in the first place? “Oh, I haven’t talked to you in such a long time!” they say, “Why are you so MIA?” they say, “I thought you forgot about me!” they say. Well, fuck me, right? All of a sudden all of this is my fault. I am the reason why this friendship is going down the drain. Most of the time, when the conversation starts going down this road, I immediately start apologizing because at that moment I AM the reason. I have always failed to realize that this is really a two way street and that they could have easily come up to me and asked me how things were going first. Where were they?

But those people don’t really matter right now. Those people are the ones who I would occasionally talk to cause we got to be social, right? It’s a very temporary pain in comparison to when this kind of thing happens with my really close friends. To be honest, it’s a different kind of feeling. It’s quite complex.

First, the simple pain of unwanted-ness takes over, followed by confusion and an internal battle that usually takes place to try to get over said pain. However, this usually follows with the ultimate feeling of…I want to say betrayal and disappointment. You may read this, thinking “Oh, that’s not too bad. At least you’re not mad.” I would honestly rather be mad. Anger is fleeting; disappointment is a bitch.

It sucks to feel like you’re the only one trying.

I’m going to end this here, because to be honest anything that follows is just going to be I hate the world this, I hate my life that. You probably had enough with all of that.

But for those who might happen to be in the same boat as I am, I would first like to say I’m sorry. It’s not easy to feel this way, however minuscule this situation may seem to others. And secondly, fuck everyone. If they don’t need us, then we don’t need them. It’s a two way street, right?