I wrote a (parody) Star Trek episode
I guess this counts as my first fanfic. I wrote a Deep Space Nine Lwaxana Troi parody episode. It’s too long, it’s pure fucking genius, you should read it, and I’d like it to be performed, thank you.
(The station is bustling. The Klingon Parade is happening today and people are arriving from everywhere. At Quark's, Quark is trying to sell vaping devices to some Klingon children.)
QUARK: Will news articles come out in a few months about how these are mysteriously killing people? Maybe. But right here, in the glorious now, you can look like an Luranian mist-breather! Capitalism reigns!
KLINGON BOY 1: Get out of our faces, Ferengi petaQ! My father says you're nothing more than a peddler of flim-flam! You have no honor!
(The children beat him to death, but Odo is here. Odo pulls the blood-drenched Klingons off of Quark, who has five broken arms. But he is saved.)
QUARK: Oh, what a relief to see you, Constable! I was beginning to think I'd never -
ODO: HHHHRMPH!
(Odo ignores him and walks slowly towards the camera, past Quark, who trails off. Quark shrugs and heads back to the bar. Odo s t a r e s i n t o t h e d i s t a n c e.)
(O'Brien is drinking alone. Kira and Jadzia talk nearby. Jadzia is vaping.)
KIRA: I can't believe you bought one of those.
JADZIA: I like it.
KIRA: Haha. You know, It might be deadly.
JADZIA: Deadly can be fun.
KIRA: Ferengi are terrible.
JADZIA: Terrible can be fun.
KIRA: Haha. Aren't you a woman?
JADZIA: Aren't I?
O'BRIEN (in the middle of a drink, spitting synthale all over the table): Well, Quark certainly owes you one, doesn't he?
ODO (shaken out of some reverie): What?
O'BRIEN: You alright, Constable?
ODO: I am extremely edgy on principle, but... recently I've found myself being... even edgier...
O'BRIEN: I can't say I blame you. I'd feel the same way in your shoes.
ODO: Is that some sort of joke, Chief? I thought I told you these aren't REAL SHOES.
O'BRIEN: No, I just mean... Oh, no one's told you...
ODO (curmudgeonly): Told me WHAT.
(Lwaxana enters the Promenade. It's Lwaxana time. Patrons begin to flee.)
LWAXANA: I HAVE ARRIVED AND I AM LWAXANA TROI, (daughter of the Fifth House, holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed). NEW WIG. SPARKLES. I'M HERE TO READ MINDS AND FUCK CURMUDGEONS AND I'M ALL DONE READING MINDS
(Odo stares at Lwaxana in horror, long musical sting, opening credits play)
(Back in the Promenade, Lwaxana has wrapped herself around Odo)
LWAXANA: You are sad, aren't you? Sad man. Tell me why you're sad.
ODO: Madam Ambassador -
LWAXANA: No worries. You don't have to speak for the next three days. I will interrupt everything you say.
O'BRIEN: Um, I've just remembered I have to go take Molly to therapy. Keiko and I tried to decide on a family movie last night and they say the damage may last for a lifetime.
KIRA and JADZIA: Haha we should go too.
ODO: But -
KIRA and JADZIA: Hahahahahahahahaha
(they and their significant glances exit)
(Quark has approached.)
QUARK: Madam ambassador, aren't you looking lovely tonight?
LWAXANA: Yes, I am but you are ugly.
QUARK: Haha, brilliant. Do you want to buy this?
LWAXANA: No.
QUARK: I promise you. You'll love it.
(His earnestness is irritating, but intriguing.)
LWAXANA: Okay fine what is it?
(Odo has one second to be relieved as Quark leads Lwaxana over to the bar.)
SISKO (over commbadge): Sisko to Odo.
ODO: Go ahead, Commander.
SISKO: You're needed in the infirmary.
ODO: On my way.
(In the Infirmary, everyone is dying of Vape Fever.)
BASHIR: I don't have an explanation for it. Except that I know all the symptoms and exactly what could have caused it.
SISKO: What could have caused it?
BASHIR: These vaping devices are made of some kind of weird metal. It has traces of xyphilonium, a Cardassian material.
SISKO: You mean everyone has been vaping xyphilonium?
BASHIR: It appears so.
SISKO: Good thing I told Jake not to vape and he certainly listened to me. Who could have done this?
ODO: Well my sources gave me information that hasn't made sense until now. It seems someone has been ripping parts out of the station's hull. Quark must be using the station's hull to make vaping devices.
SISKO: Go tell him that is very dangerous, but don't arrest him or anything.
(Back in Quark's)
LWAXANA: I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK. Look what I bought from Quark.
(She clamps something around Odo's arm)
LWAXANA: It's a manacle that works on changelings! Now you can never escape me! This is charming! I am well-balanced!
ODO: Wait... this is made of xyphilonium too. QUARK!
QUARK: Yes?
ODO: Exactly how much of your merchandise is made out of the hull of the station??
QUARK: Well, all of it, of course! I didn't think it would be a problem.
(An explosion rocks the station. The lights go out.)
(In Ops)
KIRA: I'm getting reports that 3,000 people have been blown out into space. The hull integrity of the station is at negative 5 percent. If we don't do something soon, we'll all be torn to shreds!
SISKO: I need answers, people!
JADZIA: I have an answer. It's science-y and it takes longer to say than to do.
KIRA: That won't work. This station is Cardassian and it sucks!
JADZIA: Well what about this?
O'BRIEN: Yes and if we add something else it will work. I can help. I have to open this dangerous computer panel to do it. Don't tell Keiko.
BASHIR: Keiko is unhappy.
O'BRIEN: Shut up!
SISKO: Let's get to work!
(In Quark's. The lights are out. Quark is rushing drinks around to weeping customers.)
ROM: Brother, we don't have enough synthale without the replicators. Maybe we should suggest other drinks to our customers?
(Quark lights Rom on fire.)
LWAXANA: Tell me about your problems. You are edgier than usual.
ODO: I am not.
LWAXANA: But of course you are! I can always tell.
ODO: Yes I am sad.
LWAXANA: You know, Odo, in retrospect, I should not have manacled you to me.
ODO: I agree.
LWAXANA: And the real reason I came here is that I am also having a crisis. Good thing you were here.
(an emotional moment (?))
SISKO: Sisko to Odo.
ODO: Go ahead Commander.
SISKO: The station is about to explode. Evacuate everyone. You have five seconds.
(They begin the evacuation. It is the third one this week.)
(In Ops)
JADZIA: It's not working.
O'BRIEN: Dammit!
KIRA: 200 more people have suffocated without life support!
(Garak has appeared)
KIRA: Garak! What are you doing here?
GARAK: Well I thought this thing I knew might be of some help. I could have offered it sooner but I was.......
GARAK: ...
GARAK: ...
GARAK: ...
GARAK: ...hemming some pants.
SISKO: And you think this thing will work.
GARAK: Commander, if it didn't, I wouldn't be much of a...
GARAK: ...
GARAK: ...
BASHIR: Garak!
GARAK: ... tailor, would I?
SISKO: Well, do it!
GARAK: Right away!
(Outside shot of the station. Sisko voice-over)
SISKO: Thankfully everything is fine now, just in time for the Klingon Parade. Good thing, too, because I have to throw the opening pitch in the Klingon baseball game. Next time there's an inside shot of the station everything will look exactly as it always does.
(Inside shot of the station. He's right!)
(At Airlock 3.)
ODO: Well, you are leaving.
LWAXANA: I am, but you will always love me. I'll be back.
(It is a threat. She will be back.)
ODO: Thank you for telling me about your crisis, Madam Ambassador.
LWAXANA: Of course! That's what I'm here for!
(she winks, then kisses Odo, winks again, and leaves. Odo looks bewildered)
QUARK: Well, good thing everything turned out alright!
ODO: You almost murdered everyone on the station!!
QUARK: Almost.
(Everyone in the Promenade chuckles. Oh, Quark. You scamp. Everything is fine and Quark is not arrested.)
♫ BUH BUH BUH BUUUUUUH BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH BUH BUH BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH ♫
