#norma john

I feel like this song was so underrated in the 2017 contest. With the beatiful piano and the haunting lyrics. Shame it didn’t make the final. 

PREVIOUS COUNTRIES:

Albania

Andorra

Armenia

Australia

Austria

Azerbaijan

Belarus

Belgium

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Bulgaria

Croatia

Cyprus

Czech Republic

Denmark

No Claus, I didn’t watch that.  Lasse? I appreciate him more now than in 2017 (even if it’s far from my favorite kind of male beauty): always thanks to the beard, I guess -which he’s always had, I know ahah.

85. Norma John - “Blackbird” Finland 2017

[2017 Review here]

What a beautiful gothic swansong. ❤ Man, I don’t even need to tell you how robbed “Blackbird” really was. The song is (Edgar Allan) Poetry come to life. Leena delivers a gorgeous, haunting, ethereal voice that sends leaves me stunned in silence. It’s not my type of Eurovision song, at all, but it’s one of the best in its genre.

Of course, what bloats Norma John’s ranking even further is that they are also ROBBED NQ ANGELS. I have already liberally spoken about the baffling decisions made by the 2017 SF1 juries, but Jesus-fucking-Christ on a bike:  Tamara = musical torture + a *FAILED* a cape throw: 62 points!!! Martina = endless jazz tedium + hideous yellow & purple lights: 81 points!!! Norma John = a time-transcending loss ballad + perfect vocal delivery: ...41 points??? . . . The ubiquitous bullying of Finland in the Eurovision Song Contest DISGUSTS ME and I’ll continue opposing it by giving their entries the spotlight they DESERVE! 🤗

________________________________________________________________

84. Molly Sterling - “Playing with numbers” Ireland 2015

Yet another robbed NQ angel. 😭 The one time I love an Irish entry and it gets christerigged out of the finales. LeSigh. “Playing with numbers” holds a special place in my heart because it’s the 1 ~great~ Irish entry we’re getting every decade. Seriously, I... should totally keep my anti-Ireland rants for the addendum since this update is Ireland’s funeral, but honestly, is “THEY FUCKING SUCK!!!” really that much of a spoiler? Seven victories my ass. 🙄 

Anyway, back to Molly. It’s a similar deal to Joan Franka and Norma John to me: “Playing with numbers” feels like a genuine song by an earnest singer, telling a real story, and I’m INVESTED in their life, happiness and success.

However, two more things set “Playing with numbers” apart for me. One, Molly is an INTROVERTED INDIE GIRL 😍, which is one of my favourite Eurovision tropes (e.g.: Ieva, Blanche, Michela, Tinkara, Francesca, all of whom are still alive in this ranking). Two, Molly takes the pleasant-sounding but otherwise insipid sentimentality often found in Irish entries and turns it into a fresh, root-worthy experience. Which is impressive considering how generally indifferent I am to the Irish sound. And now for the seamless transition into this:

Was this Ireland’s worst decade? I am not sure, actually. Ireland is one of my least favourite eurovision countries in general, but the worst Irish decade between the 2000s and this one. The 2000s had a higher high (”ET CETERA”  😍), but also three of the worst entries of ALL TIME (Millennium of Love, Dervish and D*st*n th* T*rk*y), so they were probably worse. Regardless, with 80% of the entries being bad or boring, Ireland is EASILY my least favourite country in this decade (though in my ranking they mathematically outrank Croatia, proving once and for all that maths is a total waste of time [in rankings]). With their tendency to qualify in mostly weak years (2013 excepted), Europe tends to agree. Hopefully they can capitalize on the KEiiNO craze by sending an ethnobanger in 2020, but watch them try to flimsily copy “Proud” and flop. 🙄

________________________________________________________________

83. Luca Hänni - “She got me” Switzerland 2019

After Eleni had set the world ~en fuego~ last year, the least one could expect was a slew of trashy reggaetons that paid tribute at her altar to slayage. Of the many pretenders, Luca was by far the most faithful adaptation. “She got me” is literally (literally literally) genderswapped “Fuego”. 😍

However, because there already was a precendent for me to like here, I found it generally easier to get into Luca than Eleni. Fortunately, I also managed to appreciate Luca for Luca. I expected him to be a meatheaded oaf and was ready to roll my eyes at his fukboi’esque stupidity. Thank fuck I was wrong, because, a of all the dumb jock of the year was in fact Chingiz (again, this man celebrates via flexing) and b of all Luca proved himself a hyperactive bromosexual spazz with NO attention span whatsoever. 😍 OBSERVE his hilariously clunky ~DiRtYdAnCinN~

Luca also provided the #1 Interview Moment of 2019 (not featuring Godper Santl), which was this hilariously awkward exchange with an Icelandic reporter on Hatari’s payroll who asks him whether his song is about the oppression of women (0:76), after which Luca SUDDENLY has to “go to the toilet” (aka ask permission)

Later, the same reporter then calls his song a Hegelian dialectic (02:24) and Luca’s  reaction can only be described as ‘experiencing a human bluescreen of death’, after which he’s swiftly whisked away by a handler. 😍 

and the Swiss HoD has to step in (Actual quote: “It’s the accent, he cannot understand you right” 😍) and take over and it turns into deepest discussion about feminism. 😍 while Luca obliviously spazzes out in the background as his memory chip is updated <3

All of this was more than enough to endear me to Luca AND pull “She got me” into the Love zone, exactly like Eleni did a year ago. However, when you have to rate a great entry that borrows everything from another great entry...

________________________________________________________________

82. Eleni Foureira - “Fuego” Cyprus 2018

[2018 Review here]

...it is important to remember that the original is always better. And yes, Eleni and Luca are just two sides of the same genderflipped coin and you won’t convince me otherwise:

Both are infectuous reggaetons with a playfully flirtatious undertone, Both are trashfests with hilarious lyrics (”When she go low / She go solo” is the new “You got my pelican fly-fly-flying”)  Both feature even more hilarious attempts at “singing” Both were the poulains of Sacha Jean-Baptiste, carried into top five because they’re ~worth it~ [/l’oréal] Both convinced jurors of their worth, despite being (g)utter trash.😍🤭

However, I prefer Eleni for several reasons. Firstly, yes she is the original ~mediterrenean trashpop diva~ entry and none of the copycats improved on her formula (well, Michela did but “Chameleon” has outgrown its “Fuego Clone” label, more on that when I get to her in a few updates). 

Secondly, um, Eleni is a f’cking goddess?

What a hair-flippingly gracious force of FIERCE. 😍 I’m glad she got to return this year for the epic Song Switch interval act: Spamming gifs here since I am currently out of embedding credit: 

What a star. I am BALD and STRAIGHT!! Her rank is limited by the fact that I still am not ~Fully In Love~ with her song, but more than anything Eleni proved herself as an indisputed performance queen and I cannot wait to see her cameos in the future editions yet to come.

_______________________________________________________________

81. The Common Linnets - “Calm after the storm” The Netherlands 2014

Lmao I forgot it took like 46 seconds to get to the song because of Basim’s giant banner <3

Anyway, Common Linnets, Common Linnets :snaps fingers: 🤔 what is there to write that hasn’t been said or written many times, by people more passionate about them than I am? Well, I love that Ilse and Waylon rolled with an authentic country song instead of the baseborn country pop the Netherlands is famous for. (Check this Walzing Matilda sound-a-like out, courtesy of ms. DeLange). The Linnets have stellar chemistry, especially for two people who can’t stand each other irl:

The act is a cinematic masterpiece, framed beautifully by Hans Pancake’s critically acclaimed motion-picture-like style. It transforms “Calm after the storm” into an oasis of tranquility, which still holds up to this very day. 

So, overall, I would say “Calm after the storm” is a pretty great entry. It’s a well-composed song, lacking in campness, avoiding incompetence, not requiring mind-blowing artistry or loud-as-fuck circus gimmicks to reach it’s full potential. It is competent and well-produced. The perfect entry for anyone who watches Eurovision for the music. 

However, um... I am not one those people. I love trashy pseudo-ethnic schlager bangers.I love underappreciated indie darling. I love the staging circus of Eurovision. I love personality quirks and unprofessionalism. I LOVE shit like Gasper Santl calling out bad journalism in front of the assembled press or Al Bano walking on the 76 stage and INSTANTLY forgetting his lyrics. Eurovision is made perfect by its imperfections.

So for ~me personally~ "Calm after the storm” doesn’t offer me enough, and we’re close to entering the endgame of this ranking. You need to step up your game, because at this point, having a great song will no longer be good enough to avoid the cut.