#norena

Anel Norena touches IG with a moving post with her children

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In the middle of the mu3rt3 of Jose jose. the one who is celebrating another year of life is his ex-wife Anel Norena. Despite everything he has experienced these days. the former model touched social networks with a moving publication.

And is that with a photo next to their children Marysol and Jose Joel. Anel He published the following: “Only God knows how much I love them and how much I…

Monday Aug 13 2018 The day started as usual, with teleworking. Rolling out of bed at 5:45 am and trudging upstairs in a haze of sleep. It was a day like most, except I had computer issues. And that’s fine. It didn’t bother me much. This evening, is it down with music and vomit words. Anything. Everything, to get some understanding of what is going on in my head. The book I am reading “ Healing from Developmental Trauma” by Laurence Heller, is a phenomenal resource. My mind rests on each word as though it will somehow be my savior. Hope floods my heart when I open the book, and then as I read, my brain kicks in. Will this even help? I have already had years of therapy, what am I actually grasping for? Am I broken? What does “fixed” look like? I sit down with the book. I tap into my body, my mind, and then, my feelings. Like a long lost friend who only brings huge surges of emotion, overwhelming me with the simple idea of them. The thoughts kick in again. This is hopeless. I need coffee. I should be doing ( name anything else)

My minds capacity to avoid that which could prove it wrong,protecting  the defense mechanism I have created, as no longer needed.The false world of identification I have created. The lies I have told myself. Lies to keep me down. I was my own oppressor and I could see  it now. I was finally seeing my mind, my thoughts , my reactions as they were. A child lost in trying to make things that hurt feel good. Twisting things to take control.

Because……. The truth was so much more frightening. But it wasn’t anymore. Now there was compassion. I have all the resources I need in me. I was overflowing with power and all I had to do was get out of the way.

Turn my heart from bitter to smooth and sweet. More like, find the honey by simply stirring.  

So here I am. Writing. Flayed open and looking at the wounds with love, compassion and understanding.

The shift is subtle and overwhelming at the same time.

But it is so worth it.

Looking back on the way I used to respond to things, and how I am starting to come at the same issues with a different perspective is so refreshing, and is what I start to think about when I start looking down the hole of depression.

Lately, I have started listening to hypnosis to increase my self esteem, and the impact for me has been really big. I feel more relaxed, and creative, like the positive perspective is more of a default state and not something I have to fight tooth and nail to get to( let alone keep)

And maybe, maybe, that is my fundamental issue is I do not know who I am and ultimately…..what I am capable of.

Next month I will be going to a city by myself overnight to do just that. Find myself. Find my strength, my needs, my wants……..being around others, as an Empath, I suck myself into them. I yearn to help them be happy, to be useful to them, to ease their pain. Because it hurts me too. I vacillate between shutting myself off from people and throwing myself into their lives uninvited. And then getting no nourishment from what they give me( as I fight the belief that I am not worthy of the love they give or that someday they will come asking for something I cannot give them back) But, I have learned, love isn’t tit for tat and giving without receiving isn’t pride, or martyrdom. It’s stupid. And disprespectful of the love people offer. It hinders the balance of flow.

I digress. The city.

I try not to think too hard about it. My mind wants something to focus , no , ruminate unnecessarily on. There is nothing to prepare for. Nothing to control. I will let the trip lead me to where I need to go. I trust myself to get me where I want to be. I trust myself. Another lesson of mental health. I never felt secure or safe. And it wasn’t because of the environment was in, but because of the thoughts in my head that I kept listening to. I eventually started to tell myself I was safe, but only started to believe it when I started to take care of my own needs ( which also means listening and identifying what those needs are) and then taking care of them without asking for permission. Trusting . Trusting that I could and would take care of myself. Trusting that I would say no when I wanted to, say yes when I wanted to and walk away when I felt the need.