You fell in love with them and now it is time to rise in love for them. I find myself tying my ex lovers down in my expectations of what love was and/or is to me. Sometimes, I find myself lamenting at the fact they didn’t do what they were supposed to do to love me. Sometimes, I swallow self pity trying to drown me saying I could’ve done better and the salty thing create lumps in my throat.

(What if the crystals stuck to the top of a cave just the left overs when mother nature’s tears dried up? She realized she would be fine and she stop crying and started rejoicing with the sun. )

See what love do? It free you to be your truest self. 

The truth is you want nothing but happiness for them. The truth is you wish you were that one but know that it can’t be & that means someone more compatible is coming and ain’t that love?

It is obvious you want them to be in your universe so you throw them blessings behind each curse--no wonder they ain’t around. Your vibes ain’t right

Love your ex because each time you do your rise to a truer you and free-er you. You allow ourself to release yourself from the resistance that you are putting up not to love them unconditionally. You love everyone unconditionally, and if not, you aren’t seeing the whole picture.

 Feel what you feel for them. But don’t be upset at them because they hurt you. You hurt you. You stayed here you where you were not welcomed in your language or in your true form. You cannot expect them to understand you like you understand you. 

While honored to represent the Philadelphia Collective and Mid-Atlantic region at the 1st Annual Alumni Conference, my experienced was scorned by thoughts after: 1) hearing the Zimmerman Trial verdict, 2) developing thoughts on the effects of capitalism and White supremacy on public education, and 3) new knowledge of how schools are being closed down in too many urban centers. I wanted to be an energetic, positive thinking, TFA alumna looking forward to the connections I could build but I was not that woman. I walked on the TFA bus in Chicago as a Black woman feeling like my younger brother was killed and his murderer was found innocent. I walked on the bus as an African-American teacher with an insatiable thirst for a better way to teach. I walked onto that bus worried about how schools closing in Philadelphia were going to affect the fate of my little cousins living in the city. I was not happy.

So here I was, mind full of confusion on the TFA bus going to Detroit. I was coming from Chicago after participating in the Free Minds, Free People (FMFP) Conference focused on decolonizing education and using the classroom as an emancipatory place. I was longing for a different perspective on teaching to dismantle the systems—White Supremacy, (unjust 15th century modeled) capitalism and racism -- that oppressed my students.  All I knew how to do was create a space that seemed to support those systems. I left the conference inspired with practical resources I could use in my 5th grade classroom that helped pursue the dream of setting young minds free from mental slavery I have seen destroy Philadelphia, Chicago, Minneapolis and, now, Detroit.

I sat down in the front of the bus leaving from Chicago. I wanted to be alone to journal my cumulated thoughts. Instead, I found myself discussing FMFP and the “Anti-TFA” roundtable that was a part of the conference. I attended the roundtable looking to get a different perspective on the effect of TFA. It was led by teachers, parents and TFA alumni in New Orleans witnessing their community being gentrified after Katrina. I talked with alumni of New Orleans schools and they reflected on how their teachers lived in their communities and taught at their schools for years but after Katrina, those same teachers were replaced with new teachers that did not know the students, their families or their communities. I heard from educated parents who felt jaded by the new TFA teachers who lacked the experience or knowledge to teach children with Post-Traumatic syndrome (or just children in general). I heard from TFA alumni who did not feel adequately prepared but over pressured to teach and succeed in these often under-resourced and classrooms in need of healing. At the same time, I thought of my many colleagues who had the same training and were great teachers in similarly under-resourced schools. No matter how unprepared we were, many of us TFA corps members had, at best, good results in the classroom. So, what was the problem with TFA?

I always sensed a corporate based agenda laced in my teacher training provided by TFA. My training did not engage me nor did it address the overwhelming socio-political issues that were the cause of the opportunity gap in low-income communities. The overuse of the phrase “Achievement Gap” further ignored the achievements frequently made by my classmates of my school in North Minneapolis. I was not used to teaching and learning being a data based experience. My experience at my elementary school, Harvest Preparatory School (now TFA staffed), was an experience that linked my cultural history (past), personal identity (present) and duty to use my education to contribute to the prosperity of my community (future). I was inspired by who I was and that drove me to work hard. My teachers always made sure they told us where we came from and made us learn in a way that we could see how can use our education to change the disparities we saw in our communities. I felt that TFA trained me to teach so that my students could go to college and work for Goldman-Sachs at best, graduate at worst, but not live according their passion.  There was an ethnocentric definition of success given to me that I knew I could not comply with as a teacher.

So on the day of the conference, I was hoping that I would be proven wrong. I was hoping that my mind had matured to be ready to listen to what I did not get from Philly Institute in 2010. I was looking to see how TFA’s sessions and speeches could promote or combine with what I learned at FMFP.

So, dear reader, I wrote all this to explain why it was difficult for me to be inspired at the Teach for America 1st Alumni Conference and Awards Ceremony. The opening speeches by Detroit students and 2013 Detroit TFA corps members (who were also twins) were sweet but I could not help but feel as if TFA put them on the pedestal saying “Look what we did, we’re great, see!”

I listened to Elisa Villanueva Beard discuss the TFA resistance as dismantling the fight against the “status quo”. I wanted to hear what she meant and what TFA planned to do. I heard her promise TFA would be more open to challenge and look to answer rough questions. I remembered my friends in Philly asking rough questions to our Institute leaders and being silenced or brought into closed door discussions to “solve problems they had”. It was hard to trust TFA to be open.

I heard her promise that TFA will not just focus on data and results but also building relationships. I heard her promise TFA would fully connect to communities to learn the culture of that community. I wondered why they didn’t do that 20 years ago when they founded the organization.

I heard her promise TFA would invest in helping TFA corps be more effective. I wondered why my already effective student leader friends at the University of Minnesota were not accepted into TFA.

I understood that Elisa’s speech was meant to reinsert faith back into the TFA movement but I could not help to wonder why I didn’t feel convinced.

However, I left the opening ceremony still looking for proof that TFA was a helpful instead of hindering organization. I went my next sessions and met some wonderful leaders and corps members of color who talked about how they felt as if their experiences as people of color made them lack the vulnerability needed to have difficult discussions that would help change how TFA operated. However, I also heard how our experiences as people of color are the reason we teach.

I went to a very inspiring leadership session with Julie Jackson who gave practical tools I was excited to use in my classroom. I met many educators and TFA staff enthusiastically working to heal the ills of our education system. I went to an awards ceremony highlighting educational leaders who are working with urgency to fix the same ills. These individuals are the ones that convinced me that TFA is still a helpful organization.

2015 has been a beautiful struggle. I learned so many lessons while receiving so much love. But I also had many methods to run away from pain that had been lodged in my system. Using work, people, alcohol, drugs, sex, social media, and/or religion, we often are running away from pain we feel we don't know how to deal with. But, that isn't what warriors do. Warriors face opposing forces with courage. Here are 3 ways I'm doing it...

1) Fight

There are times you need to stand your ground and fight.. We all deal with those times often in our lives. When fear comes, push against it with action. Work out, eat healthy, write the report, talk to that person. Do. At the end we end up being stronger.

2) Be Diplomatic

But sometimes when dealing with pain (anger, fear, sadness, etc.), we aren't meant to fight it but instead use diplomacy and make peace with it. Sometimes we just need to show compassion to that opposing force and hear it out. Sometimes it means taking it to tea and asking it questions, "What are you here for? What are you trying to tell me?"

3) Call your troops

Lord knows I go through and gotta call my bestie and/or mother. We don't have to face our fears alone. Sometimes, we need our troops with us to help us have the conversation. Reflect on who in your life looks at you, see all your scars, mistakes and cracks and still see all the wonderful things you are. These true friends do not ignore or feel uncomfortable with your vulnerability. They do not tell you, "But you're Lenora! You're great! You're amazing! Don't be sad/depressed/angry!" It makes us feel like we can't be both depressed and amazing. Sometimes you gotta have a friend see you and say "We can do this together" And those friends are who we should keep around.

Cherish those friends. Think about who you can show up for and fight with. If you don't have a friend like that, ask they universe and I'm sure the Most High provides. And then seek to be a blessing and show up for someone. Listen and ask questions that push for clarity. Work through the fear together.

“I’ve got myself to remind me of love”  -- Maze and Frankie Beverly

1. Be. Just be. Let go of everything. All expectations and just be. You already great

2. Life isn’t about working hard in a stressful way. It’s about living life like dancing. Dance. Find your rhythm and dance. You break the same sweat and lose the same calories as working hard.