not quite a poem; the mistakes you make part i
 (when she’s just a friend---and an irritating one---but damn is she pretty)
i meet her when i am six, and she is seven
our friendship is a tumultuous one, one which often struggles
    ---   ( she will have her way, no matter who she
         must step on to get it, and she can’t seem
         to remember whether she plans to never
         speak to me again, or not )   ---
but frustration and impatience have never clouded my vision;
she is beautiful, her face has always been one i’ve loved to look at
it’s a fact, plain and simple
  i am not attracted to her
   i never have been, i never will be
but the way i regard her appearance has always strayed
just beyond what ‘friends’
    ---   ( or enemies or best friends or enemies or )   ---
normally experience
 but of course, girls do not look at other girls as something that lies just beyond friendly
 (when she’s bossy and not your type but your gaydar’s on point)
she is not beautiful in the way i appreciate
her dark hair flows down her back;
her figure is nothing short of stunning
    ---   ( i have always been jealous of the way our
         ugly uniforms frame and flatter her shape
         where they detract definition from
         everyone else )   ---
and it takes nothing more than a shock of red lipstick to turn her into a supermodel
but she is harsh where i prefer soft
her face wide where i prefer spritely
  she is not attractive to me
   she never has been, she never will be
but i know if i ever, ever want to learn what kissing a girl felt like
    ---   ( not that i have ever wondered, of course
         not, of course i wouldn’t, but if i did, it
         would only be natural to be curious,
         wouldn’t it? )   ---
she will be the one to let me
and i think about it
often, more often than i should, so often i wonder if i should feel wrong
    ---   ( years later, my best friend tells me; i had
         known right, even then; this irritable, rude,
         domineering friend who i am glad to have
         lost contact with is now identifying as bi,
         and it seems i’d felt it even before she had )   ---
 but of course, i am not a girl who would kiss another girl
 (when she genuinely grosses you out with her unsanitary habits but if she had a less gross doppelganger you’d be all over that)
she, like my other two closest friends, is one i long to be rid of
she may be meek where they are overbearing, but she has always been a little odd
a little self important
a little hard to be around
but she is beautiful;
she is tall, with a thin, lean figure, with a strong, elegant face
  i am not attracted to her
   i never have been, i never will be
if only because i know the regrettable person she is a little too well
but if someone completely different from her
shared her appearance
grew her hair out
passed my way...
    ---   ( i think about kissing that tolerable
         Someone Different in dark corners and
         spaces passionately and often, where no
         one can see )   ---
 but of course, i am not a girl who wants to kiss other girls
 (when you’re an idiot and you hate to admit your mom is right)
she is a wild ride personified
a little crazy, a lot of funny, the kindest and most open soul i’ve ever met
she’s younger, but only enough to surprise me
and she’s endearingly sweet and loves to weave stories with me
she’s perfect, to be honest
    ---   ( i don’t like you writing romantic stuff with
         girls, my mom says in her most perturbed
         tone, if you do, i think tumblr will turn you
         gay. and i am enraged, because you
         can’t turn someone gay, writing with
         another girl about a man and woman
         falling in love will not turn me gay. i am
         not, strictly speaking, wrong about this. )   ---
  i do not think i like her romantically
   that i ever have, ever will
but i am wrong, because i think about her always
think about what it would be like if she flew across the country to see me
if she climbed into my lap
grabbed the front of my shirt
pulled me closer
leaned down and kissed me
it consumes my thoughts more often than it doesn’t
when she sends selfies, i find myself going back to simply look at them, countless times
i begin planning to go to college where she lives, so that i can be near her
and i tell myself all the while that she is just a friend
 because of course, i know now that girls like other girls, but i also know i am not one of them
 (when you’re an even worse idiot, and the truth is miserably failing to catch your attention)
she tells me once that she doesn’t like her face
and it’s the worst thing i’ve ever heard
i insist otherwise, not because it’s the polite thing to do
but because she’s breathtaking and i selfishly need her to understand
she says her face is too short---but her face is lovely, perfect
it’s soft, her features are petite, and everything fits like it was designed to rest there perfectly
her blue eyes are round and beautiful
her nose is small and adorable
her lips are naturally a perfect shade of pink
and her hair always falls just right
    ---   ( put simply, i love to look at her )   ---
just one year, she holds a sleepover for her birthday party
we sit in a circle around a word game we play with her and one of her younger sisters
and she sits across from me
when the game ends, she leans forward on her hands and knees to pick up the pieces
and i can see right down her shirt
i try not to look, but i can’t help what i’ve seen already
i can’t help that i was glad to see it
i can’t help that i keep thinking about it
or that i think about what it would be like to stop time
later in the night after everyone else has fallen asleep
so that no one could bother us if i kissed her, if she kissed me
it’s all i can think about for the rest of the night
  i do not think i’m in love with her
   or that i ever have been, ever will be
but i am wrong, plain and simple
later, i take her with me, on a family vacation
and i don’t understand the importance of it, she and i sharing a bed for ten nights in a row
i don’t appreciate it the way i should, having her to myself for so long
but i love it nonetheless, love her nonetheless, and it shows;
i have never snorted when i laugh
but she does
it embarrasses her, but it’s endearing, it only makes me smile
and after a few hours in the car with her and her laugh
for the first time, i discover a snort when i laugh as well
and it stays with me for months, the sound of her laughter finding a home in mine
i love her, i do
and i think i will go to my grave, still half in love
with the girl whose face is the best one i can imagine looking at
whose laugh is contagious
whose kindness will stay with me forever
  but of course, while i know girls love other girls, i also know i am not one of them
 (when it pisses you off that someone you hate shouldn’t have been right)
she has always been exceptionally pretty, though i’ve never noticed
but she arrives, with her hair cut short in a way its never been
and styled with a care i’ve never seen
and with heels like she’s never worn
and with her makeup done so well a professional’s hand could have done the job
i don’t even recognize her at first
surely i would remember if i had known someone so beautiful, after all
she looks so much older, so much more free
    ---   ( maybe i fall just a little bit in love with her
         on sight. )   ---
i can’t help but say how good she looks, more than once
because i’m not blind
because it’s truly entrancing
because the change is bold enough that any of our friend group would easily admit
that there’s something about her right now that catches the eye
lesbian, responds another girl, the one who has always hated me
as though the word speaks volumes on its own
as though she doesn’t even need to form a sentence around it
i regard her with disgust and don’t dignify her with a response
because there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian, though i’m quite sure i’m not one
and because one doesn’t have to be a lesbian to see that our friend is drop-dead gorgeous
    ---   ( i am once again not, strictly speaking,
         wrong about that. )   ---
  i do not think i am attracted to her
   that i ever have been attracted to a friend, or ever will be
but after the unwelcome commentary, i find the thought chasing me for the rest of the night
of what it would be like to kiss her
 but of course, girls might be attracted to other girls, but i am simply not one of those girls
