#nonbinary surgery

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My previous post and article archive.

I've seen a gynecologist, who prescribed a steroid cream for the areas that still need healing or are irritated. She also referred me to a physical therapist who has experience with trans patients. My PT has been working with me to help me get back on track dilating and loosen the tension on my pelvic floor. I'm regaining lost width from when I slowed down on dilating. Depth is still the same at 6-7cm (was 15 at date of surgery), and likely to stay that way.

It’s Fashionable To Be Flat Chested

At what point Can we all acknowledge the elephant in the room That’s been looming thanks to The ever increasing rise in fatphobia– It’s fashionable to be flat chested. Why are there so many Young girls rushing to get top surgery Identifying as nonbinary and seeking To align themselves with their image of their body? Maybe it’s because as a society We’re done with big tits. It’s not in,…

stop gate keeping hormones and transition. I am sorry but hormones don’t suddenly make you pass like they seem to think they will. you can’y say transitioning will make me dysphoric when you don’t know about my dysphoria.

Wish I had better news.

I had to stop seeing my physical therapist because I was getting some slight bleeding during/after dilation and she wanted my gynecologist to check it out before we continued, so I didn't see my PT for around 2 months. And I wasn't as diligent as I should have been about dilating even when I was seeing her (or at any point part the first month post surgery, really). Contributing factors to that include depression, executive dysfunction, and scheduling. The depression in particular forms a negative feedback loop where the worse I feel, the less I dilate, then I feel bad about not dilating and about lost depth (in addition to all the other stuff depression does to me), then I'm less able to keep up with dilation, etc ad infinitum.

The result is that by the time I saw my gynecologist 4 weeks ago, I had lost nearly all of my depth. As a consequence, I will need a revision for depth. Dr Wittenberg and I talked over a few options, including colon graft, skin graft, and just *maybe* another peritoneal pull through (which I would be very happy about), but it's just not something I can mentally pursue at the moment. Similarly, I want a revision for the external appearance since it's lost most of its definition, but can't pursue it yet. I need to make sure I'm in a better headspace before I need to dilate again. That's a topic to take up with my therapist and psychiatrist though, not really in the scope this blog is meant for.

I had someone ask me today if I regretted the surgery, and I had to honestly answer that I don't. Having a vagina that's closed up sucks, but not having one at all really triggered my dysphoria in a way I don't really experience any more. Even if I knew this would be the result, I'd still have undergone the same surgery, and I am better off than I was pre-surgery.

Well, it's the day after my first postop appointment rather than the day of/after surgery, but here I am. Everything went well in surgery. As planned, I now have a penis and a (neo)vagina. I had to wear a catheter for a week, which wasn't fun, and my partner had to help or do nearly all tasks for me. There was also some padding and sutures that were in place, which were pretty restrictive, but those were removed along with the packing inside the vagina during the postop appointment. Things came out reasonably well, I think. I'll have some photos at some point.

Pain hasn't been too bad; kind of like a mild ache or rash as long as nothing's poking at the area. I've started dilating, which is a chore, but that was the deal. Sensation inside the vagina is limited, and insertion is slightly painful, which worries me a little. It's probably something that will lessen with time though.

It's been great for me emotionally. It's weird, but I feel "normal" now in a way I wasn't aware I felt abnormal, like something that was always missing was finally set right. I guess that's the emotional payoff for sticking to it long enough. It's been 4 years actively fighting for it, and probably another decade of dreaming of it.