Mad About It

Here I am Out tryna walk in spring With a busted hip and a Herniated disc Listening to the sound of Last years leaves Rustling Thinking to myself What else is new around here— Nothing.

I suppose I should thank you Thank you for leaving me Thank you for setting your caged bird free But I hate you too much To thank you for anything. – I wish you understood The pain you caused. The lies Were unforgivable. I see shadows and demons everywhere I look Because I met one who gleefully Played games with my reality. How I wish I could destroy you similarly. – Vengeance comes…

Last night I had a dream With you in it But your face was blurry I’m already starting to forget it The main reason I knew It was you Was the sinking feeling in my stomach The betrayal, the Anger The confusion The pain that lingered That’s how I remember you Not your face, Not your body. Not your Likes and interests Not your favorite food Not a cherished memory or a Place or an…

I saw a man with a profile looking for a Loyal, submissive husband. I wondered, what that meant to him. Was it a lifestyle or a belief set Was it an instinct or something he earns By leading, supporting, safety netting. If you give me something solid and sturdy To lean on, when I’m in need Of a leader, a partner, a trustworthy companion— I submit just as much as anyone would So again I…

I’m not lazy enough for suicide Instead I can work myself to death And no one can blame me for it

It shouldn’t be allowed What he did I shouldn’t allow it I shouldn’t love him still But I do I always will

Flipped through A hundred or so profiles Swiping left like It was the only option Disappointed That none of them were you Frustrated That I’ll never see anyone The way I saw you Worried My eyes will be biased Forever That you’ve ruined me To love only you No matter what you do to me

It’s for yall Not for us Trans folk don’t enjoy being trans Nearly as much As yall enjoy gawking Fapping Ostracizing The novelty is for yall Not for us.

Maybe I’m mid thirties or Maybe I’m finally done growing Maybe my Brian developed and I’m an adult. Maybe I love Men more than I thought. Maybe god is all around us Maybe I’ve given up Given up the fight The youthful riot I no longer care about Anything I used to. I want money, I want house, I want A life. I don’t care about Fucking lgtbqai rights That shit has done literally…

I loved you. More than I told, more than I ever showed. I valued you above all I cherished your soul I protected you from others I shouted your praises You were my world. You could do no wrong When you cheated I thought You must be confused You must not understand I don’t want anyone else, Why do you? How is all of me Not enough When just an ounce of you Fills me up. I loved…

It never mattered How much I loved you It bounced off me Reflected, refactored Shining brightly. Eventually you resented me For basking in my own light In the name of loving you Not realizing You were mirroring me, pretending To be yourself. Pretending to be vulnerable Instead being fierce, strong, Magnetic, reflective Empowering my love While deflecting it. Never have I felt…

Maybe sex and gender just don’t matter. Like, not to me To anyone. Maybe sexuality is fluid And shouldn’t be stopped But also shouldn’t encouraged to flow One direction or another Without any options for back flow or Route changes. The same forces that republicans claim Confine children to transgender therapies for life Are the forces that tell teenagers They are “gay” or “straight”…

It just doesn’t seem right, what he did. I know he knew, he knew he knew, we all knew it was known. Perhaps some stones are left unturned, I didn’t want to know what he taught me. I didn’t want to grow in that kind of dirt. Let’s start from the beginning, when things were perfectly strange. He was charming, almost alarming. Sending the strongest signals I’ve seen, he made me feel amazing. He…

Oops, I’ll admit I’m not that worried I’m saying the wrong things and I’m In a hurry, see You remind me of him But more disposable So I think I might take you For a weekend or so Do things I wish I couldn’t To make a blind man jealous He may never see it But I know he will feel it Once my spirit comes harder on Another man’s vessel see I might not be over you But I need to be So…

I feel like Telling your SO they have BPD And then immediately abandoning them Should be illegal Or at least prosecutable I mean I was almost the 10% So many times in the last year All because I was so afraid of Losing someone who was Using me, so afraid to lose The one using me. He was afraid I’d split Before he got the last load in I guess that makes me a Washing machine.

Today I cut you off I felt the cord break The umbilical I loaned you For your empty feelings It felt nice to be needed For a minute I felt wanted But then I felt Used, abused, Ignored and consumed Unappreciated and berated Like a mother I didn’t anticipate to be Never have I ever Given birth, least of all To a man in his 30’s

Tides have changed My love has turned to hate It took a while for me to appreciate The extent to which You belittled and humiliated me I hate your memory I hate your smell I hate your things I no longer feel empathy for your various pains I am now As distant to you As you were to me And I hope you feel the energy