#nonbinary! reader

“Jazz, Gran, you take floor three, Shadow and I have this one. Check in with each cleared apartment, don’t waste any time.”

The pair nodded and left at the entrance to the third floor while you continued on. You cleared five units before hitting trouble. 

“Miss, can you hear me?”

The girl couldn’t respond. She was shaking and crying, curled up in the corner of what you guessed was her bedroom. 

“I need you to come with me.” You glanced back. “Shadow, clear the rest of the unit and keep moving, I’ll be right behind you once she’s out.”

“Are you sure, Dex? I can-”

“I’ve got this, you keep going.”

He gave a hesitant nod and moved on. 

You looked back and knelt down in front of the girl. 

“My name is Dex, can you tell me your name?”

She still didn’t answer, so you moved a little closer. Just as you reached out, she lunged forward, throwing you off balance and knocking you to the floor. She straddled you before you could process what was happening and threw off your helmet. 

“You can’t make me stay! I won’t!”

“I’m trying-” You grunted and tried to keep her hands from grabbing at your mask. “I’m not trying to make you stay, miss! There’s a fire; we need to go!”

She screamed in your face and ripped off your mask, sending a wave of hot, smoky air across your face. You tried again to grab her hands and stop her, but her nails raked across your exposed face and it erupted in pain. 

Shadow, Jazz, and Gran were all speaking over your radio, calling each cleared unit. When you offered no response, Shadow tried again. 

“Dex, you good? You get the girl out?”

“Get off me!”

You thrashed around, but the heavy gear you wore made it difficult to get out from under her. 

“Dex, what’s going on?”

She was still screaming about something you couldn’t understand and swiping at you. You could tell enough to know you didn’t want to hurt her, but you were low on options as the room continued to grow hotter. Your train of thought stopped dead when her fist connected with your face, a sloppy but solid hit. 

Your head slammed back into the floor at the impact and you finally gave in. Your hand scrambled for a grip on your fallen helmet and you swung at her head.

It didn’t take her down, but it knocked her aside enough for you to move out of her reach. You fumbled to your feet and raised your hands in a placating gesture. 

“I’m just going to reach for my mask. Don’t attack me again.”

You kept your eyes on her as you slowly reached down, but your vision was getting a little hazy. You grabbed the mask and fixed it back over your face. 

“I am not here to hurt you. This building is on fire and it’s my job to get everyone out. Do you understand that?”

“I don’t want to stay. They can’t make me stay!”

“You can go, right now. Just follow me, yeah?”

She watched as you moved back out of the bedroom and headed for the door. You gave her a wide berth, and she followed warily a few feet behind you. 

“Dex!!”

“I’m here, sorry. I’ve got another one coming down, female, late twenties. She’s got something going on, but I don’t know what.”

You and the young woman went for the stairs and she started down first. You stayed about half a flight behind her to avoid another fight. When Shadow came over the radio again, you paused. The woman kept going. 

“Dex, I have a door I can’t open. I think there’s someone inside. I’m at unit 407.”

“Copy that, I’ll be right there.” You looked down to the woman. “Keep going, miss! There will be emergency services outside to help you!”

You went back up the stairs to the top floor and met Shadow at the unit. The front door was open, but the first bedroom was locked. 

“Dex, what the hell happened to you?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll get it checked out later.” You pounded on the door with one fist. “Pittsburgh Fire! Anyone in there?”

You listened. A small voice answered. 

“Help!”

It was faint, frail. You nodded to Shadow and braced yourself before kicking the door in. The doorframe splintered, giving way under your effort. 

“Let’s get you out of here, miss.”

“Thank you, young man.” The little old woman smiled sweetly at you both and allowed Shadow to help her to her feet. 

You led the way back out of the apartment and back to the stairwell again. 

“Get her down. I think we’ve got a few units left. I’ll cover them.”

“But you-”

“I’m fine. Go.” You tried for a reassuring smile. You were pretty sure it was closer to a pained grimace.

Shadow looked hesitant, but focused on the old woman and started helping her down the stairs. He quickly realized it would take too long and asked her permission to carry her instead, which she allowed. Meanwhile, you went back and cleared the last four units. 

With each unit, your breathing got heavier and your vision got weaker. You called in each unit number and kept your focus on making sure everyone else was out. When your air ran out, you took a few labored breaths to realize it. 

By the time you got one flight down the stairs, you stopped to lean against a wall and slipped your mask off. The pain in your face continued, but the air came a little easier. You didn’t have a spare second to wonder why your alarm didn’t go off. 

You just kept walking, one heavy step after another. Your vision was blurred by the time you burst through the last door. The parking lot was chaos, overseen by an order you didn’t currently have the presence of mind to understand. You just stumbled forward into the throng of people.

“...Dex, what’s going on?”

You shook your head to clear the smoke, but that just made you dizzy. Arms wrapped around you, kept you upright. 

“Dex!”

You dropped your helmet and tried to wave off the people around you. Touch was on an expressed consent basis only, everyone on your team knew that. With all the control you could muster, you headed for your engine. 

Huh. The pavement looked a lot closer than it should. 

---

There was a mask on your face, but it was wrong. It only covered your mouth and nose. This wasn’t your mask. So why were you wearing it? And what was that annoying beeping sound?

One eye slowly blinked open, followed by the other. 

You were resting in a bed with sterile white sheets. 

There were wires and tubes connected to your arms, and a thick tube coming from the mask over your face. 

Shadow was resting at the foot of your bed, a book in his lap and his feet propped up next to yours. He looked like a mess. His reddish brown curls were pressed to one side of his head, darkened with soot. There were smears of dust on his face and his clothes were clearly a day old and heavily wrinkled. 

You slid one foot over and nudged his. He startled out of his book and dropped it on the floor as he shot to his feet. 

“Dex! Hey-” He came closer, then seemed to think better of it. “I gotta- uh-” He leaned around the curtain drawn across your room and called for a nurse. “I should call the team!”

You waved him away to do so as a nurse and doctor came into the room. 

“Good morning, Lieutenant Dexridge.” You waved softly. 

The nurse, a woman in a hijab, checked over your vitals and started removing your oxygen mask. 

“My name is Doctor Robinavich, but you can call me Robby. This lovely woman is named Perlah, she’s your nurse. Are you aware of why you’re here?”

You waited for the mask to come off before trying to answer. 

“Uh… I was on a call. Fire in an apartment building.” 

Your voice sounded almost foreign to your own ears, so rough and worn.

Perlah grabbed a thin tube and fit it into your nose, tucking both ends over your ears. 

“Now that you’re awake, we’re switching you off the non rebreather and onto what’s called a nasal cannula, that’s gonna keep fresh oxygen running into your blood. That fire did a number on you, Lieutenant.”

“Just Dex is fine.” You watched Perlah put away the mask and offered a quiet thanks. “How long was I out?”

“You were brought in yesterday afternoon, so it’s been about…” He checked his watch and did a quick guesstimate, “Eighteen hours. You’ve been asleep pretty much the whole time.”

You nodded slowly. It was only then that you noticed a plush dalmatian resting on your bed, just to the right of your knees. 

Robby talked you through the steps they’d taken when you came in. Shadow had been at your side, refusing to leave in his absolute grief. The charge nurse had resorted to manhandling him out of the room so the doctors and nurses could work properly. You’d needed a bronchoscopy, among other things, which didn’t help the aggravation in your throat. 

When you were determined to be stable, Shadow set up camp at your bedside and didn’t move once. Another crew member dropped off his backpack, which contained his book, and your pillow from the firehouse for a little extra comfort. That little effort went further than you figured they knew. 

“So… what are the chances I can get discharged today?”

Robby had settled in the rolling chair backwards, resting his arms over the back of it. Perlah made herself scarce once her work was done and Shadow returned with an exhausted sigh. He was curled up in the visitor’s chair with his knees at his chest. He watched your every move like a hawk, as if the slightest misstep would send you into cardiac arrest or something. 

“Not good. We’ll need to keep you at least one more day to make sure your lungs and throat are healing. This was a close call, Dex. You understand that, right?”

You looked down and realized Shadow was nudging the stuffed animal closer to your shaking hands. 

“I’ll be fine though, right doc? If not today or tomorrow, then next week. Or next month. I can keep fighting fires and leading my team.”

Robby sighed and ran a hand down his face. 

“Mr. Mohr-”

“Just Shadow, please.”

He nodded and continued, “Shadow, why don’t you go wait at the nurse’s station for the rest of your team? You said they were on their way?”

He nodded, but looked to you for confirmation first. You waved him out and he ducked past the curtain. 

“Dex, I’ll level with you here. What you went through yesterday was serious. Would you care to explain where the scratches and blood on your face came from? Because that definitely wasn’t the smoke inhalation.”

“I… had a run-in with one of the tenants we were evacuating.”

“Would that happen to be the young woman we have on a psych hold right now?”

You shrugged. If it was her, that was a good thing. She might get the help she certainly appeared to need. 

“You just went through a trauma, Dex. Not just the smoke inhalation and the broken SCBA, but the attack, of whatever caliber, by a person going through some sort of mental break. At the very least, you shouldn’t be back at work until we know the exact extent of the damage you suffered.”

You didn’t want to hear that kind of news. The job was everything to you. You didn’t want time off, you wanted to get back to the fire station and keep working. You ran your fingers over the ears of the plush in a quick pattern to keep yourself grounded. 

“I understand that.”

“I also want to do a mental health evaluation. We have a social worker here, her name is Kiara. She can sit down with you while you’re here and talk you through what you’re dealing with.”

“Doc, I really don’t think all that is necessary. I work a stressful job, like you do; I’ve learned to cope. I appreciate the effort, really.”

“If you’re sure…”

“I am. I just want to rest a bit, I guess. And is it alright if I get some food?”

“Absolutely. We have some meal services here, or I’m sure your crew are willing to bring you something. They all seem to like you.”

You shrugged. You’d never tried all that hard to develop deep bonds with any of them, but you made sure you were a damn good lieutenant. 

Robby took his leave once Shadow returned with Jazz and Gran. In her typical fashion, Gran had a little tupperware container full of cookies and a throw from her handcrafted collection for you. The trio stuck around for most of the day, even when you suggested they go home. 

“Shadow, I mean it. Get the hell out of here.”

“Dex, I just think-”

“You’re off the clock. You don’t have to think. Go home. Sleep. Shower while you’re at it, you reek of smoke.”

“Pretty sure that’s you, Dex.”

You waved off Jazz’s response. 

“I’m your lieutenant. Take it as an order.”

Shadow let out a shaky sigh and rose to his feet. 

“Alright, I guess I could do with a break. Keep an eye on ‘em, Jazz?”

“You know it.”

You offered a little fist bump, which Shadow met, before he headed out with his bag over one shoulder. Once he was gone, you let out a long, shuddering sigh that sent you into a coughing fit. Gran patted your back softly and readjusted your pillow for you to lean back once you managed to catch your breath. 

“Dex, Shadow didn’t give us all the details. How bad is it?”

You forced a deep breath in through your nose, out through your mouth. Once you were sure you could speak, you let your gaze fall to the sheets. 

“I’ll just need some time. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

The two women shared a look across the bed. They’d both worked with you long enough to know when you were trying to fool yourself. Shadow didn’t.

Gran kept you entertained for a few hours catching you up on the trash reality television she loved. You couldn’t have cared less, you never had. But it was sort of nice to know she was making an effort to keep you from being alone. 

Once, just after sunset, a doctor stopped in to check on you. He was shorter than the one from that morning, with graying curls and a stern expression. All he said was that he was the night shift attending and would ensure someone was available if you needed anything. You just nodded and thanked him quietly. 

Jazz stuck around until nearly midnight. She pulled out a deck of cards from her bag and played games with you, ran out to grab dinner to share, and gave you the updates she had on the fire and its victims. 

“Jazz, you know you don’t have to stay here all night, right?”

She shrugged and shuffled the cards again. 

“I’m not a child, or a fall risk or something. You’ve been here all day. Just go get some rest. I’m not about to go anywhere.”

She opened her mouth to argue, but you just laid your head back and closed your eyes, breathing deeply with the tube in your nose. You heard her sigh and stand, then shuffle out of the room slowly. Once you were sure you were alone, you allowed yourself to drift off to sleep. 

Your dreams were filled with flames and screaming. The girl from the call was swinging at you with something in her eyes between loathing and terror. You turned and ran, against your own better judgement. You couldn’t face her, couldn’t fall to the hot floor again. When you cleared the doorway, only an endless hall of scorched walls greeted you. The unit doors had disappeared, but you could still hear the screams of your crew as if through the walls themselves. 

Your feet kept moving, your ears straining to hear anything beyond the shrieks of pain. The girl caught up with you, tackling you to the floor and shoving your face into the burning surface. You bucked and fought like a wild animal, but nothing was enough. When you began to turn, barely reaching your back, she lunged at you again, your face erupting in the same pain from the day before. 

Just before she could strike you once more, your eyes shot open and you jolted awake. 

You just sat through it all, practicing your breathing and keeping yourself ready to go back to work. You kept a go bag by the door, packaged all your leftovers for easy access; at a moment’s notice, you could get back into the swing of things. 

The nightmares hadn’t stopped though. Every single time you tried to go to sleep, the flames and screaming returned. You were trapped in an endless maze, you were fighting off attackers, your mask was out of air and suffocating you. 

When you finally got a return-to-work form from your battalion chief, you went to the hospital as quickly as possible. You ended up in the ED waiting room, you knee shaking nonstop, gripping the form that would spell your freedom. Once a nurse called your name, you were led to the back and sat in a chair in one of the exam rooms. 

“Hello, Y/N. I’m Dr. Lawrence, I’ll be your physician today.”

“Just Dex is fine, everyone calls me Dex.”

She nodded and made a note in your chart before looking a little closer. 

“So, it looks like you’re here for a follow up after being admitted a few weeks ago.”

“Correct. I’m a lieutenant with the Pittsburgh Bureau of Fire. My gear had an issue and I was admitted for smoke inhalation. I just need my paperwork signed so I can get back to it. I’ve had more than enough time off my feet.”

Lawrence brushed a stray bit of hair from her face and settled in on her stool. 

“Do you mind if we talk a little about it? I’d love to get you back to work, but we want to be thorough. I don’t need to tell you how serious lung damage can be.”

You had figured this was coming. Everyone wanted you to take things slow. But you’d done that and now you were better. 

“Uh, sure. What do you want to know?”

“Let’s start with your breathing.”

She ran you through a laundry list of tests and exercises to gauge your lung capacity and health. You answered all her questions about your habits, your environment, your diet. Then she touched a nerve. 

“And how are you sleeping?”

“Hm?”

“Your sleep? Your incident was more than a simple malfunction in your gear. In your chart, it says you were also assaulted?”

Your eyes locked onto your hands. 

“I, uh…”

“I only ask so we can get this form signed and get you back to work. I don’t need details, I just need to know if you’re getting better. How has your sleep been?”

You shut your eyes tight, trying to force away the overhead lights. A part of you was dimly aware that your hands were shaking. 

“It’s been fine.”

Your tone was firm, your voice clipped. 

Dr. Lawrence clearly didn’t buy it. But she took a beat, waited for your expression to ease just a bit. 

“Your scratches look pretty much healed. How do those feel?”

You nodded, just barely. The words hardly reached your ears. 

“Is it alright if I touch your face, just to get a better look?”

Another slight nod. 

Her hands were gentle and slow, raising your face and turning your head from  side to side. Her fingers felt cool over the edges of the scratches you’d received. It was a relief to your burning skin. 

“Alright. I just have to check on something, but I’ll be right back. Are you okay waiting here while I do that?”

“Yes.”

Once she was gone, your shaking worsened. The flames raced back in, suffocating you. You lost conscious feeling of your limbs, legs dead weight, hands prickling. Your eyes were shut tight again, but the light never stopped, the heat never lessened. 

Air escaped you, your lungs were being crushed. You’d never escaped the fire at all, it had you now and it knew no mercy.

After what felt like an eternity, the world came back to you piece by piece. 

The flames slowly subsided. 

Your vision began to clear, though you were aware there were tears in your eyes again.

Your body was still there, but not exactly as you remembered it. You’d been moved to lay back in the chair, with a cool cloth over your forehead. 

Dr. Lawrence was there with you, along with a face you hadn’t expected to see again. 

“...Dr. Robby…?”

“Hey, Dex. Just take deep breaths for me, okay?”

You attempted a nod and pressed your hands to your chest, putting all your focus into breathing. It made you cough and wheeze, your lungs aching with the effort. At least you could feel everything again. 

Robby looked over the paperwork you’d brought with you. 

“Dex. You’re trying to go back to work?”

You managed a nod this time. 

“I’m ready.”

Lawrence watched the dumbfounded look on her attending’s face. He’d seen plenty in his career, she knew that. But you were showing a complete disregard for your safety and health here. 

“Dr. Lawrence, why don’t you take care of the next patient, I’ve got Dex here.”

You looked so… fragile. Sitting in that chair, your arms wrapped around yourself, your eyes trained on your shoes. Robby was a good doctor, maybe he’d get through to you. 

“Okay.”

Once she was gone, Robby fixed you with a hard look. 

“Dex. What are you doing?”

“Going back to work.”

He shook his head and ran a hand down his face. 

“You know what I’m asking. Why are you pushing yourself so hard here?”

You counted to ten, then back to one before responding. 

“I have a job to do.”

“Not anymore.”

Your eyes snapped up to his. 

“I’m going back. If I’m not better today, then I’ll be better soon.”

“I’m sorry to tell you this Dex, but I’m not signing off on this paperwork, and neither is Lawrence. You aren’t in any condition to go running back into fires.”

“But I will be. I’ll get better.”

Robby took a moment to consider how to explain this to you. It was clear how much your job meant to you and he didn’t want to take that away. You weren’t going to go back though. Your breathing was still too rough and the damage you’d sustained was enough to get you removed from your crew. Not to mention the panic attack you’d just had, which nearly triggered an asthma attack. 

He took it step by step. You nodded along with a blank expression as he explained the potential of an asthma attack and how to treat it if one hit. You took the rescue inhaler he offered. He showed you the test results showing your oxygen levels and your scar tissue. Your stoicism broke when he settled on the point that your future had to change. 

“What?”

“You can’t go back to work for the Bureau. As your doctor, I can’t sign off on this paperwork. I can’t recommend that you go out on any more calls.”

Your gaze hardened. 

“Yes I can. I have an inhaler, fine. I won’t have any more panic attacks. I won’t let my gear get broken again. I can keep working.”

“Not as a firefighter, you can’t. I’m sorry, Dex.”

The rational core of your brain knew he was right. The emotional train just ran straight through that conclusion without stopping. 

“Fuck that. I’m a good lieutenant and I can do my job.”

“No one is trying to say you aren’t a good lieutenant. But with your physical and mental health being what they are-”

“Oh, my mental health. Please.” You stood, your knees still feeling weak. “My mental health is fine. If you won’t sign my paperwork, I’ll just go to a doctor who will.”

“No one will, Dex.”

You glared at him and took the papers back from him. 

“Fuck you.”

You abandoned the hospital without another word. You didn’t look back, didn’t catch Robby’s long suffering sigh. 

The next time he did see you was five months after he refused to sign your paperwork. He was about halfway through his shift, just coming back from dealing with a car crash victim. The guy would pull through, thankfully, and was emphatically thanking every staff member he saw. When Robby reached the desk, Dana directed him to the break room. 

You were standing there, next to a stack of bakery boxes, with a bashful expression. You offered a little wave when he stepped into the room, your hands tucked into your chest. 

“Afternoon, Dr. Robby.”

“Dex…”

“I just want to apologize. For the last time I was here.”

“Trust me, I’ve had worse.”

You looked down as you nodded, rocking back and forth on your feet. 

“Doesn’t make what I said okay. I was… upset. And you were the one telling me what I didn’t want to hear. But I had no right to speak to you that way. So, I’m sorry.”

“Well, I appreciate the apology. Although it’s not entirely necessary. It was some pretty bad news I had to deliver.”

Your fingers tapped against each other in a sort of rhythm and you forced yourself to meet his eyes. There was no anger there, no reserved irritation. He just looked sorry. You held his gaze for a few seconds, the fluorescent lights seeming less harsh when reflected in his eyes. Eventually his focus drifted down to the boxes beside you and you startled with the loss of eye contact. 

“Oh. Right. Uh…” You opened the top box and tilted it to show him the muffins inside. “I had a lot of time to fill. So I’ve been baking a bit. Figured I’d do something good with all the stuff I keep making, so I wanted to drop it off here.”

Robby stepped closer and slowly reached for a muffin.

“It’s-uh- I didn’t just come here. I also dropped some off at my old firehouse.”

“Old?”

“Well, you were right about no doctor being willing to sign my paperwork. My old chief was very clear about the regulations and about me not being able to keep working there. Baking is kind of an outlet for me right now whenever I’m not at the library. That’s where I work now. I… don’t know why I’m telling you all this, sorry.”

Robby smiled at your faltering words. You’d been so confident, so unflinching in the times he’d seen you before. Even in the midst of a panic attack, he hadn’t thought of you as uncertain or nervous as an individual. You certainly seemed so now.

“It’s alright. Every doctor wonders how their patients are doing after they leave the hospital. You said you work in a library?”

“Yeah. Had to pay the bills somehow. I’ve got asthma now, and I’m working through everything else. Hence the… baking.” You gestured lamely at the boxes. 

Perlah popped into the room with hunger in her eyes before you could ramble any more. She snatched a blueberry muffin and watched you both like a hawk. You greeted her warmly, thanked her again for helping you when you’d been admitted. Before long, you took your leave and scurried out. Robby couldn’t help how his eyes tracked you when you left. 

“They’re pretty cute, huh?”

Robby pulled his focus to the nurse and furrowed his brow. 

“What?”

She just smirked and finished her muffin. Princess would love to hear about this. 

---

You started crossing paths more often than Robby expected. He saw you at the coffee shop near his apartment before work a few times. You were at the park he frequented, nose buried in a book. He almost said hello each time, but chickened out at the last second. 

One night, when he was feeling stir crazy at home, he took a long walk down to the nearest library and scoured the shelves for something to hold his attention. It had completely slipped his mind that you might work there. 

“Hey Doc, looking for something?”

He startled and nearly fell on his butt from his crouched position. You stifled a chuckle and offered him a hand. He took it and rose back to his full height with a slight groan. 

“Sorry.”

“No worries, Dex.”

“Can I help you find anything?”

Robby shrugged a little. He was painfully aware of how close you stood to him. It was too warm in here, he should have left his jacket at home. 

“Uh, not sure. I don’t actually know what I’m looking for.”

You hummed and hugged the books you were holding closer to your chest. 

“Well, you were staring pretty hard at the illustration books. Picking up a new hobby? Or just browsing?”

“Browsing, I think. Just got off work and felt a little too wired.”

“Been there.” You walked back to your cart, continuing as if you knew he’d be willing to follow you. “I’ve probably got a list a mile long of books I’ve read just to keep myself occupied. I’ve been reading historical accounts lately.”

Robby had never made much of a habit of reading about history. It just wasn’t his strong suit, not like medicine was. 

“Any recent favorites?”

“Um…” You ran your fingertips over the spines of the books on your cart. “This one. It’s about the World’s Fair in Chicago. It’s got a more narrative style to it, so it doesn’t feel like a barrage of dates and locations.”

He took the book and tucked it under his arm, trailing behind you as you moved to another set of shelves. You rattled off a dozen different titles and synopses of books while Robby listened. He knew he probably had other things to do tonight, but if he did it all escaped him, drowned out by the sound of your voice. It sounded so much better with all the time you’d had now to heal.

When you were pulled away by a patron looking for help, Robby headed towards the front and finally realized he didn’t even have a library card. Dana asked him about his sudden renewed interest in reading in the weeks that followed, but he had nothing to say. 

While Robby was not a terribly introspective person, preferring to focus on the present moment and do what he needed to do, he couldn’t deny to himself that he thought of you often. He’d sat through five biographies and seven nonfiction historical accounts that he honestly couldn’t find it in himself to care about. It took him several months to do so, only finding the will to keep reading when he thought about telling you he’d finished it. 

After a mind numbingly boring afternoon wrapping up with a biography about a poet he’d never heard of, Robby resolved to properly talk to you when he returned the book. He marched into the library with his mission clear in his mind. He dropped the book in the return, waved absently to your coworker at the front desk, and headed towards the children’s section at their direction.

You were sitting on a low stool staring intently at the row of books closest to your eye level. Every so often, you switched a book around and nodded to yourself before continuing. Robby paused at the end of the aisle, somewhat mesmerized by how at home you looked there. Then you noticed him and every bit of confidence drained out of him. 

“Afternoon, Doc. What can I do for you?”

“Uh…”

You sat up straight and your focused gaze locked on him. 

“Need another book? I started a fiction one the other night you might like.”

He was hopeless. Utterly hopeless. 

“Yeah. That sounds good.”

You led him to the adult fiction section, snagged a book from the shelf, and handed it over to him. It actually looked like something he’d enjoy reading. A mystery by the looks of it, with an imposing manor on the cover and a synopsis he’d read once he was home. 

“I’m only a few chapters in. I can read it slow this time, and you can tell me when you’re finished with it. Then we could discuss it over coffee or something.”

“Yeah! Yeah. That-that sounds good. Yeah.”

Robby barely even registered what exactly you were saying before agreeing. You smiled at his fumbled, enthusiastic agreement and sent him on his way. It was only halfway home that he processed what you meant. You had asked him out for coffee. 

You had asked him out for coffee.

Maybe he wasn’t utterly hopeless after all.

“Remind me how many books you’ve read because of them?”

“This one makes thirteen.”

Adamson laughed, full and loud. 

“Robby, why couldn’t you manage to just ask them out?”

Robby dropped his head onto the break room table. Even his mentor wasn’t letting up on this. Perlah was so going to get in trouble for telling half the day shift about you. 

“I have a date with them! Sort of. In a few weeks. To talk about the book.”

“Well, you have to keep them around somehow. They dropped off cookies for the night shift last week and Abbot just about lost his mind. It’s in your best interest to keep those treats coming now.”

Robby buried his face in his hands. Abbot had told him all about your cookies after you showed up at the ED at three in the morning. None of the night shift knew you except by reputation. You gave them a few dozen fresh red velvet cookies with white chocolate chips and slipped away before anyone could say more than a hurried thanks. The veteran determined they were the best cookies he’d had in his life and Robby knew he was in for it whenever he’d inevitably find out his day shift counterpart was developing a… something with you. 

Adamson’s pager went off and he stood, wiping off his hands and tossing the remains of his lunch in the trash. 

“Better read that book quick, Robinavitch. Good luck with your little date.”

Why did he ever tell anyone at the hospital anything?

Robby did manage to read the book relatively quickly. It took half as long as any other recommendation you’d given him. When he finished, he realized he didn’t have your number, nor did you have his. So he visited the library again after his shift, only to find you weren’t there. 

“They’ve been out for three days now. Not sure why, personal reasons.”

Robby tried to hide his disappointment. Your coworker Ned, a barely graduated young man with thick glasses, tried to help. 

“I can take a message for them, though. You’re the doctor, right?”

It had never once occurred to Robby that he might be a noticeable presence at the library. 

“Uh, yeah. I didn’t realize I came here so often.”

“Oh, Y/N talks about you sometimes on the slower shifts. They have a whole list on their phone of books to share with you and stuff.” It seemed to hit him then that he probably wasn’t supposed to tell Robby that. “Uh… that’s just between us, right? Or you can forget I said that? It took me months to get them to talk to me, I don’t want to go back to silent evenings here.”

Robby mimed zipping and locking his lips. It put the young man somewhat more at ease. 

“About that message. Just- just let them know Robby came by, I finished the book they recommended.”

“I can give them your phone number too…”

If Robby got one more loaded look or leading comment, he might just keel over and die. It would probably be at least a tiny bit more dignified. 

Ned pushed a pen and a pad of sticky notes across the desk and Robby scribbled down his number. 

“I’ll let them know you stopped in.”

Shadow held it together pretty well when you’d broken the news of your departure. He’d helped you pack up your belongings and clean out your locker when you left. A few days later, he chanced reaching out to check on you. You took it better than he expected and met with him for lunch. He tried not to get emotional; he succeeded most of the time. 

You met with him about once every three weeks, getting lunch or coffee. He still asked you for advice about work, which you always gave. Shadow had cemented himself as one of the few people in your life you considered yourself to be close with. He was a good friend, a little bird under your wing. You never really thought he’d disappear from your life. 

The last time you saw him was on a cool autumn afternoon. He stopped by the library to pick up a book and a few movies. 

“Afternoon, Dex!”

You let a soft smile cross your face. His hair had been getting a little long, so he pulled half of it back in a ponytail. 

“Hey, Shadow. How have things at the station been?”

“Pretty quiet for now. We’ve had a few minor calls, but nothing too bad. I’ve got the weekend off, so I’m having a little marathon with my roommates.”

“Ah, the boys. And how are they?”

Shadow handed you his library card and the stack of items. 

“They’re all good. Joey’s over his cold. Max is making us dinner.”

You made a little noise of agreement. Max was quite a good cook according to Shadow.

“And Luca got back from his reunion, so we’re all together for the weekend.”

“That’s good! You’ll have to tell him I say hi.”

Shadow looked at you as you printed his checkout receipt. 

“You don’t have to push formalities, Dex. Luca gets it.”

“Thank you.”

Shadow nodded. Luca was never big on formalities either, opting to say as little as possible to new people and launching straight into conversations instead of suffering through small talk. You liked him. He was a good kid, like Shadow.

“Thank you as always for your help. I’ll check in with you again next Tuesday.”

You waved goodbye and thought nothing of it. 

On Tuesday night, you were wrapping up your book in your quiet little apartment. Shadow hadn’t called yet, which struck you as odd. He always kept your shared routines. You tried to distract yourself figuring out where to meet with Robby once you were both finished with the book. It was a big chance for you to take, trying to meet with him for coffee. It wasn’t just a simple book recommendation or baked goods dropped off at the ED. You were really trying to build something with him. 

Just before midnight, still struggling to search for sleep, you got a phone call. Within two minutes, you were out the door and driving to the same ED that had managed to save you a year ago. Your parking job was shitty, but you were in no frame of mind to care. You moved on autopilot as you ran through the nearest doors and begged a nurse for information. You were rushed through to the trauma bay where a doctor with graying curls called out orders to the other staff. 

Everyone moved in perfect sync, pushing meds, monitoring vitals, and gauging the severity of his burns. You stood in the corner by the doors, your hands shaking uncontrollably. You couldn’t even speak, just watching without really seeing what was happening. Shadow was barely hanging on. After a few moments, the doctor caught sight of you and sent a nurse to remove you. 

“Excuse me, I need you to come-”

“No. I’m his- I need to be here. What’s happening to him?”

You planted your feet firmly in place. He’d been there for you, you would be there for him.

“Doctor Abbot-”

“I’m not going! I’m sorry, but he needs me!”

Abbot stepped away for a few seconds, the nurses continuing with their efforts as he moved to rest a hand on your shoulder. You dodged it, a harsh light in your eyes that told him to keep his distance. He raised his hands in a placating gesture, but you could hardly process what was happening. 

“What’s your name?”

“Y/N. I got the call, I need to see Shadow. I need to be with him.”

Abbot took note of your desperate tone and opened the door to show you out. 

“Can we step out for just a second to talk?”

You watched Shadow on the gurney, still and surrounded by nurses. The energy around him was frantic. It set your entire being on edge. 

“I can’t…”

“We’ll be just on the other side of these doors, he won’t even leave your sight.”

You half nodded and stepped out next to him, your hands pressed tightly together. 

“You said we called you?” Another small nod. “So you’re his emergency contact. Are you a family member?”

“Uh, no. I’m- well, I was- his lieutenant. I retired, but we’re still in touch.”

Abbot nodded and forced his eyes away from the hustle and bustle in the trauma bay to watch you. 

“How bad is it?”

You were hardly even blinking. Your hands were squeezed tight together, still shaking as you watched your former coworker like a hawk. 

“It’s not good. He was caught in a building fire. His team couldn’t reach him for a while. He was brought in with partial or full thickness burns over most of his body. We’re doing everything we can right now, but we need you to stay clear of the space so we can work.”

“I can’t leave him. I can- I can stay in the corner, maybe? I’ll be out of the way, I just can’t leave him.”

Abbot considered this for a moment. He knew it wasn’t protocol. He knew Gloria would be pissed if she knew. 

“Okay, come on.”

Abbot grabbed a stool and pushed it into the far corner of the room, where you perched to watch. He returned to the fray, one nurse catching him back up as they did all they could. 

Your vision tunneled when the long, screeching beep sounded through the room. More medication was brought, a burn specialist appeared to advise, but the sound didn’t stop. Voices all blended together, bodies moved. Someone tried again to reach out to you and remove you. 

All the fight drained out of you as a tall nurse wrapped her arm around you and guided you out. The touch sent prickling discomfort racing through you as you collapsed into a chair in the hallway. Your head sank down to your knees, your interlocked hands resting over the back of it. 

You weren’t sure how long it was before someone came to get you. Your eyes stung, strained with the effort not to cry. Abbot stood in front of you with a somber expression. You couldn’t even look up, just focused in on his shoes inches from yours. 

“You couldn’t get him back… could you?”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. We did everything we could.”

“I know. You’re good people here. I…” you sniffled and prayed your tears wouldn’t start now. “I know you did your best. Can I see him? If there’s time?”

“Yeah. I can have him moved to the viewing room and you’ll have all the time you need.”

You mumbled a thanks and followed the gurney into a small, quiet room. The nurse closed the door behind her and left you alone. For nearly an hour, you just watched him. A part of you willed him to breathe again, to move and wake up and come back. It killed you to know he wouldn’t. 

Eventually, you called each of his roommates. You’d only met any of them a handful of times, knowing far more about them from stories told by Shadow than by personal experience. You tried to keep your voice steady, to tell them where to go. 

You called Luca first, who promised to get in touch with his family on the way. Max put you on speaker when you called so Joey could hear you. They caught a ride to the hospital as soon as they could. Another nurse led them into the room as they arrived. None of them knew what to say or do. 

Luca broke down first. He fell to his knees next to you and gingerly leaned against your knee as the tears began to fall. He’d only been able to leave voicemails for Shadow’s sisters. His parents had passed a few years ago.

Max carefully took hold of one of his burnt, still hands. So much of his skin was blistered and pale, so far from his usual color and liveliness. Joey could hardly look at him for a few seconds before curling up in a chair and staring at the wall. None of you spoke. The only motion was your fingers slowly threading through Luca’s thick, dark red hair. Shadow had helped him dye it just two weeks ago. 

Around four in the morning, you let the nurse know you were ready to leave. The boys trailed after you with red rimmed eyes and blank expressions. The staff gave you all sympathetic looks that went unnoticed. Shadow’s body was moved to the morgue. Abbot spared you one more glance as you walked out the doors to the parking lot. 

The next few days were a blur. Shadow’s sisters came to town, one with her wife and two sons. A funeral was put together. You attended with the boys, Luca and Joey clinging to you in a way you would never ordinarily allow. Your old team attended alongside what felt to you like half the bureau. 

The weather was blessedly cool, with clouds blocking the sun. It was Shadow’s favorite weather. He was always happier on stormy days than sunny ones. You listened as each of his sisters spoke, then his lieutenant. You’d declined to speak, not trusting your voice in front of so many at such a vulnerable occasion. You just stood there, in your all black suit, holding Luca’s hand in your right, Joey wrapping both hands around your left arm. You weren’t sure who was supporting who more. 

When the service concluded and most attendees left, you approached his sisters. Melanie and Georgia were wiping away their tears, Georgia’s boys both holding each other in their seats. The two women tried for smiles when you reached them, though it didn’t result in much. 

“I’m not sure if you know me, but I was Shadow’s lieutenant for a while. I retired from the bureau a year ago. He was- he was a good man.”

“You’re Dex?”

You nodded. 

“He talked about you a lot. He thought the world of you.”

You sniffled and looked down at the grass. 

“I’ll never understand why. He was… so positive. Like a… golden retriever. So eager to please, ready to learn.”

The women laughed a little, quickly devolving into more sniffles. 

“I guess he made me his emergency contact. I was… I was there when they brought him to the ED. I just want to say I’m sorry for your loss.”

Melanie wiped at her eyes and met your gaze for as long as you could manage. 

“Alfie loved what he did. He talked about wanting to be a firefighter since he was… probably seven years old. It was his dream. We’re glad he got to live it. And we’re glad he had someone here to show him how. To look out for him when we couldn’t.”

You nodded softly. There was so much more you wished you’d done for him. 

Despite yourself, you offered them both a hug. Once you stepped back, you wiped your eyes and said your goodbyes. You caught up with the boys in the parking lot and sent them home to their apartment. Then you got into your own car and started driving. 

You didn’t end up at home. You just kept on driving, out of city limits and beyond. It wasn’t until some time after midnight that your eyes grew heavy and you pulled off the road at a truck stop. You staggered into the convenience store and bought a too small throw blanket and a travel pillow. You fell asleep in the passenger seat, cranked back to get some approximation of a sleeping position. 

In the morning, you called your manager to tell them you were taking more time off than you’d originally intended, that you didn’t want to talk about it, but you’d need a full week off. 

The only consistent stops you made were to fill up on gas and get enough food and drink to keep yourself going. You ended up in a little town near the northern tip of Maine called Hancock. You stayed for two days. You walked along the rivers and the beaches. No one spoke to you, no one asked you anything. 

One evening, wrapped in a thick sweater that nearly fell to your knees, you laid on your hood and stared up at the sky. In the cold and the quiet, you took one shuddering breath after another. 

Shadow was gone. 

He was never coming back. 

At four in the morning in a town you’d never heard of until you arrived, you slipped your phone from your pocket and put on Shadow’s favorite playlist. He’d made it for you himself, having stolen your phone one afternoon while you baked and promising you you’d love it. You hadn’t listened to it once since he made it, figuring it would be full of stuff you would never pick out yourself. 

It started with soft folk tunes. Gently plucked guitar strings, smooth, low vocals that warmed you through the October chill. Without your permission, tears cascaded down your face, trailing to the edges of your ears before you tucked your hands up to stop them. 

You’d never told Shadow your favorite artists, and you knew he was far more inclined to lively rock or niche punk bands. 

When you ran out of tears to cry, you took deep, measured breaths. The cold settled in at your back, prickling at you even through your sweater. Even so, you remained there. Pressed against the metal, Shadow’s voice in your head just beneath the songs he’d chosen just for you. 

He was the closest you’d ever come to having a sibling or a child. He looked up to you. Trusted you. Liked you. Listened to you. He was your little duckling, your little shadow. 

And he was gone. 

At nearly six in the morning, you slid off the hood and slipped back into your car. You drove until you found a motel and checked in. You spent nearly sixteen hours sleeping before waking up in a haze. You forced down a dinner, then went right back to bed. The next day, you started back towards Pittsburgh. 

You took your time, stopping at attractions advertised on billboards and markets as shown on wooden signs pounded into the dirt. 

Just an hour outside Pittsburgh nine days after Shadow took his last breath, you pulled up to an Autumn festival in Kittanning. There were laughing children, a pumpkin carving station, and fresh apple cider. Everyone looked so… happy. 

You slowed to a stop when you came across a man sitting next to a little enclosure full of reddish golden retrievers. The five puppies were playing around, yipping at each other and tumbling head over paws as they tried to climb atop their mother. 

“Interested in gettin’ a pup?”

“Hm?”

The man straightened in his chair. 

“My neighbor’s golden got my girl Maizy here pregnant and I gotta get the puppies to new homes now.”

You looked down at the collection of dogs. Two had classic golden fur, while the other three had a deeper, more red color. One puppy sat at the edge of the group, staring up at you as you watched them all. Against your better judgement, you knelt down and reached in with one hand, letting the curious creatures sniff at you and lick your fingertips. 

You felt a smile break across your face, the first since you received that fateful call. 

“I uh… I don’t live here in town. I live in Pittsburgh. I don’t know if I can…”

“Tell you what. They’re old enough to leave Maizy. I’ve been house training them as best I can. They’re healthy little critters. If I can’t find a home for one after… two months, I could reach out and see if you’re still interested.”

Your eyes flickered up to him. 

“You sure?”

“Oh, sure. I can see you’d be a good pet owner. It’s all in the eyes.”

You huffed out a little laugh and looked back down as the quiet one nudged at your fingers. You gently brushed your hand over its back and stood again. You exchanged names and numbers with the man, then moved on. 

For the rest of the day, you thought of that dog. Maybe a little companionship would do you some good. But you had to think rationally. You had no supplies for a dog. You’d never trained one yourself before. This wasn’t a spur of the moment kind of decision. You had to consider it, turn it over in your mind, look at all the angles.