Shadow held it together pretty well when you’d broken the news of your departure. He’d helped you pack up your belongings and clean out your locker when you left. A few days later, he chanced reaching out to check on you. You took it better than he expected and met with him for lunch. He tried not to get emotional; he succeeded most of the time. 

You met with him about once every three weeks, getting lunch or coffee. He still asked you for advice about work, which you always gave. Shadow had cemented himself as one of the few people in your life you considered yourself to be close with. He was a good friend, a little bird under your wing. You never really thought he’d disappear from your life. 

The last time you saw him was on a cool autumn afternoon. He stopped by the library to pick up a book and a few movies. 

“Afternoon, Dex!”

You let a soft smile cross your face. His hair had been getting a little long, so he pulled half of it back in a ponytail. 

“Hey, Shadow. How have things at the station been?”

“Pretty quiet for now. We’ve had a few minor calls, but nothing too bad. I’ve got the weekend off, so I’m having a little marathon with my roommates.”

“Ah, the boys. And how are they?”

Shadow handed you his library card and the stack of items. 

“They’re all good. Joey’s over his cold. Max is making us dinner.”

You made a little noise of agreement. Max was quite a good cook according to Shadow.

“And Luca got back from his reunion, so we’re all together for the weekend.”

“That’s good! You’ll have to tell him I say hi.”

Shadow looked at you as you printed his checkout receipt. 

“You don’t have to push formalities, Dex. Luca gets it.”

“Thank you.”

Shadow nodded. Luca was never big on formalities either, opting to say as little as possible to new people and launching straight into conversations instead of suffering through small talk. You liked him. He was a good kid, like Shadow.

“Thank you as always for your help. I’ll check in with you again next Tuesday.”

You waved goodbye and thought nothing of it. 

On Tuesday night, you were wrapping up your book in your quiet little apartment. Shadow hadn’t called yet, which struck you as odd. He always kept your shared routines. You tried to distract yourself figuring out where to meet with Robby once you were both finished with the book. It was a big chance for you to take, trying to meet with him for coffee. It wasn’t just a simple book recommendation or baked goods dropped off at the ED. You were really trying to build something with him. 

Just before midnight, still struggling to search for sleep, you got a phone call. Within two minutes, you were out the door and driving to the same ED that had managed to save you a year ago. Your parking job was shitty, but you were in no frame of mind to care. You moved on autopilot as you ran through the nearest doors and begged a nurse for information. You were rushed through to the trauma bay where a doctor with graying curls called out orders to the other staff. 

Everyone moved in perfect sync, pushing meds, monitoring vitals, and gauging the severity of his burns. You stood in the corner by the doors, your hands shaking uncontrollably. You couldn’t even speak, just watching without really seeing what was happening. Shadow was barely hanging on. After a few moments, the doctor caught sight of you and sent a nurse to remove you. 

“Excuse me, I need you to come-”

“No. I’m his- I need to be here. What’s happening to him?”

You planted your feet firmly in place. He’d been there for you, you would be there for him.

“Doctor Abbot-”

“I’m not going! I’m sorry, but he needs me!”

Abbot stepped away for a few seconds, the nurses continuing with their efforts as he moved to rest a hand on your shoulder. You dodged it, a harsh light in your eyes that told him to keep his distance. He raised his hands in a placating gesture, but you could hardly process what was happening. 

“What’s your name?”

“Y/N. I got the call, I need to see Shadow. I need to be with him.”

Abbot took note of your desperate tone and opened the door to show you out. 

“Can we step out for just a second to talk?”

You watched Shadow on the gurney, still and surrounded by nurses. The energy around him was frantic. It set your entire being on edge. 

“I can’t…”

“We’ll be just on the other side of these doors, he won’t even leave your sight.”

You half nodded and stepped out next to him, your hands pressed tightly together. 

“You said we called you?” Another small nod. “So you’re his emergency contact. Are you a family member?”

“Uh, no. I’m- well, I was- his lieutenant. I retired, but we’re still in touch.”

Abbot nodded and forced his eyes away from the hustle and bustle in the trauma bay to watch you. 

“How bad is it?”

You were hardly even blinking. Your hands were squeezed tight together, still shaking as you watched your former coworker like a hawk. 

“It’s not good. He was caught in a building fire. His team couldn’t reach him for a while. He was brought in with partial or full thickness burns over most of his body. We’re doing everything we can right now, but we need you to stay clear of the space so we can work.”

“I can’t leave him. I can- I can stay in the corner, maybe? I’ll be out of the way, I just can’t leave him.”

Abbot considered this for a moment. He knew it wasn’t protocol. He knew Gloria would be pissed if she knew. 

“Okay, come on.”

Abbot grabbed a stool and pushed it into the far corner of the room, where you perched to watch. He returned to the fray, one nurse catching him back up as they did all they could. 

Your vision tunneled when the long, screeching beep sounded through the room. More medication was brought, a burn specialist appeared to advise, but the sound didn’t stop. Voices all blended together, bodies moved. Someone tried again to reach out to you and remove you. 

All the fight drained out of you as a tall nurse wrapped her arm around you and guided you out. The touch sent prickling discomfort racing through you as you collapsed into a chair in the hallway. Your head sank down to your knees, your interlocked hands resting over the back of it. 

You weren’t sure how long it was before someone came to get you. Your eyes stung, strained with the effort not to cry. Abbot stood in front of you with a somber expression. You couldn’t even look up, just focused in on his shoes inches from yours. 

“You couldn’t get him back… could you?”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. We did everything we could.”

“I know. You’re good people here. I…” you sniffled and prayed your tears wouldn’t start now. “I know you did your best. Can I see him? If there’s time?”

“Yeah. I can have him moved to the viewing room and you’ll have all the time you need.”

You mumbled a thanks and followed the gurney into a small, quiet room. The nurse closed the door behind her and left you alone. For nearly an hour, you just watched him. A part of you willed him to breathe again, to move and wake up and come back. It killed you to know he wouldn’t. 

Eventually, you called each of his roommates. You’d only met any of them a handful of times, knowing far more about them from stories told by Shadow than by personal experience. You tried to keep your voice steady, to tell them where to go. 

You called Luca first, who promised to get in touch with his family on the way. Max put you on speaker when you called so Joey could hear you. They caught a ride to the hospital as soon as they could. Another nurse led them into the room as they arrived. None of them knew what to say or do. 

Luca broke down first. He fell to his knees next to you and gingerly leaned against your knee as the tears began to fall. He’d only been able to leave voicemails for Shadow’s sisters. His parents had passed a few years ago.

Max carefully took hold of one of his burnt, still hands. So much of his skin was blistered and pale, so far from his usual color and liveliness. Joey could hardly look at him for a few seconds before curling up in a chair and staring at the wall. None of you spoke. The only motion was your fingers slowly threading through Luca’s thick, dark red hair. Shadow had helped him dye it just two weeks ago. 

Around four in the morning, you let the nurse know you were ready to leave. The boys trailed after you with red rimmed eyes and blank expressions. The staff gave you all sympathetic looks that went unnoticed. Shadow’s body was moved to the morgue. Abbot spared you one more glance as you walked out the doors to the parking lot. 

The next few days were a blur. Shadow’s sisters came to town, one with her wife and two sons. A funeral was put together. You attended with the boys, Luca and Joey clinging to you in a way you would never ordinarily allow. Your old team attended alongside what felt to you like half the bureau. 

The weather was blessedly cool, with clouds blocking the sun. It was Shadow’s favorite weather. He was always happier on stormy days than sunny ones. You listened as each of his sisters spoke, then his lieutenant. You’d declined to speak, not trusting your voice in front of so many at such a vulnerable occasion. You just stood there, in your all black suit, holding Luca’s hand in your right, Joey wrapping both hands around your left arm. You weren’t sure who was supporting who more. 

When the service concluded and most attendees left, you approached his sisters. Melanie and Georgia were wiping away their tears, Georgia’s boys both holding each other in their seats. The two women tried for smiles when you reached them, though it didn’t result in much. 

“I’m not sure if you know me, but I was Shadow’s lieutenant for a while. I retired from the bureau a year ago. He was- he was a good man.”

“You’re Dex?”

You nodded. 

“He talked about you a lot. He thought the world of you.”

You sniffled and looked down at the grass. 

“I’ll never understand why. He was… so positive. Like a… golden retriever. So eager to please, ready to learn.”

The women laughed a little, quickly devolving into more sniffles. 

“I guess he made me his emergency contact. I was… I was there when they brought him to the ED. I just want to say I’m sorry for your loss.”

Melanie wiped at her eyes and met your gaze for as long as you could manage. 

“Alfie loved what he did. He talked about wanting to be a firefighter since he was… probably seven years old. It was his dream. We’re glad he got to live it. And we’re glad he had someone here to show him how. To look out for him when we couldn’t.”

You nodded softly. There was so much more you wished you’d done for him. 

Despite yourself, you offered them both a hug. Once you stepped back, you wiped your eyes and said your goodbyes. You caught up with the boys in the parking lot and sent them home to their apartment. Then you got into your own car and started driving. 

You didn’t end up at home. You just kept on driving, out of city limits and beyond. It wasn’t until some time after midnight that your eyes grew heavy and you pulled off the road at a truck stop. You staggered into the convenience store and bought a too small throw blanket and a travel pillow. You fell asleep in the passenger seat, cranked back to get some approximation of a sleeping position. 

In the morning, you called your manager to tell them you were taking more time off than you’d originally intended, that you didn’t want to talk about it, but you’d need a full week off. 

The only consistent stops you made were to fill up on gas and get enough food and drink to keep yourself going. You ended up in a little town near the northern tip of Maine called Hancock. You stayed for two days. You walked along the rivers and the beaches. No one spoke to you, no one asked you anything. 

One evening, wrapped in a thick sweater that nearly fell to your knees, you laid on your hood and stared up at the sky. In the cold and the quiet, you took one shuddering breath after another. 

Shadow was gone. 

He was never coming back. 

At four in the morning in a town you’d never heard of until you arrived, you slipped your phone from your pocket and put on Shadow’s favorite playlist. He’d made it for you himself, having stolen your phone one afternoon while you baked and promising you you’d love it. You hadn’t listened to it once since he made it, figuring it would be full of stuff you would never pick out yourself. 

It started with soft folk tunes. Gently plucked guitar strings, smooth, low vocals that warmed you through the October chill. Without your permission, tears cascaded down your face, trailing to the edges of your ears before you tucked your hands up to stop them. 

You’d never told Shadow your favorite artists, and you knew he was far more inclined to lively rock or niche punk bands. 

When you ran out of tears to cry, you took deep, measured breaths. The cold settled in at your back, prickling at you even through your sweater. Even so, you remained there. Pressed against the metal, Shadow’s voice in your head just beneath the songs he’d chosen just for you. 

He was the closest you’d ever come to having a sibling or a child. He looked up to you. Trusted you. Liked you. Listened to you. He was your little duckling, your little shadow. 

And he was gone. 

At nearly six in the morning, you slid off the hood and slipped back into your car. You drove until you found a motel and checked in. You spent nearly sixteen hours sleeping before waking up in a haze. You forced down a dinner, then went right back to bed. The next day, you started back towards Pittsburgh. 

You took your time, stopping at attractions advertised on billboards and markets as shown on wooden signs pounded into the dirt. 

Just an hour outside Pittsburgh nine days after Shadow took his last breath, you pulled up to an Autumn festival in Kittanning. There were laughing children, a pumpkin carving station, and fresh apple cider. Everyone looked so… happy. 

You slowed to a stop when you came across a man sitting next to a little enclosure full of reddish golden retrievers. The five puppies were playing around, yipping at each other and tumbling head over paws as they tried to climb atop their mother. 

“Interested in gettin’ a pup?”

“Hm?”

The man straightened in his chair. 

“My neighbor’s golden got my girl Maizy here pregnant and I gotta get the puppies to new homes now.”

You looked down at the collection of dogs. Two had classic golden fur, while the other three had a deeper, more red color. One puppy sat at the edge of the group, staring up at you as you watched them all. Against your better judgement, you knelt down and reached in with one hand, letting the curious creatures sniff at you and lick your fingertips. 

You felt a smile break across your face, the first since you received that fateful call. 

“I uh… I don’t live here in town. I live in Pittsburgh. I don’t know if I can…”

“Tell you what. They’re old enough to leave Maizy. I’ve been house training them as best I can. They’re healthy little critters. If I can’t find a home for one after… two months, I could reach out and see if you’re still interested.”

Your eyes flickered up to him. 

“You sure?”

“Oh, sure. I can see you’d be a good pet owner. It’s all in the eyes.”

You huffed out a little laugh and looked back down as the quiet one nudged at your fingers. You gently brushed your hand over its back and stood again. You exchanged names and numbers with the man, then moved on. 

For the rest of the day, you thought of that dog. Maybe a little companionship would do you some good. But you had to think rationally. You had no supplies for a dog. You’d never trained one yourself before. This wasn’t a spur of the moment kind of decision. You had to consider it, turn it over in your mind, look at all the angles.