#non-believer

My name is Keihancarl X, and as of today, I become a misotheist. I decided to express my hatred to God for putting me through this kind of unjust misery that I experienced since childhood.

Well yeah, so many good things happened including the recent POF event, but I’m not at all grateful to God. He doesn’t deserve my gratitude at all, in light of the never-ending pandemic as well as some upsetting moments since March. You see, there are some things I wanted to do but for some reason, I couldn’t do this nowadays. It is certainly God’s way of taking away the only fun I had outside of spending time in front of the PC. Yeah, right, thank God I’m starting to become suicidal when I’m feeling down (hopefully, I won’t resort to killing myself when that time comes).

Before you start calling me out for this, let me tell you that as a non-practicing/lapsed Christian, I still acknowledge that God exists. I still consider myself a Catholic, if for no other reason than to dissuade others from making me ditch Christianity and convert into a more restrictive religion (I don’t have to mention it here). Only that I was starting to question his motives regarding his plans for me, as he was straying me off the intended path, and into a life of misery and darkness. I mean, my life is completely f***ed up, my family had completely fallen apart, and my mind is filled with negativity and violent thoughts.

Did I mention that my life is completely f***ed up? Yes, you heard it right. I’m not the same person as before, not to mention that my body is just a walking hollow vessel. I don’t need to explain further, but all I can say is that I’m starting to drift further away from reality and into a life of lifelessness. Unless someone would try to talk me out of it, counsel me out of it, or whatever, I’ll always stay the same.

If God was really putting me into a test, then he had overdone it. I’m still suffering from all the things that are weighing me down, and I badly need some help. I really need someone to talk to, but I’m not good with communication. I was also thinking of seeing a psychiatrist, but I fear that he/she’ll make me take meds for life.

Now come to think of it, I just don’t understand why I have to hate myself when I could simply hate God. I mean, he makes everything difficult for me, not to mention that he is sort of like a devil in disguise.

Life sucks, I know. Blame God for it.

A divine intervention. An unexpected voice coming from above. A weird but life-changing dream. These may be a sign that I’m about to find light at the end of the tunnel. I hoped so, maybe this will solve all the conflicts that I’m having at the moment, and would probably fix all of the problems within my family. And who knows, maybe someone is worthy of my gratitude one of these days. But only if he shows up, even in a form of an unexpected stranger I’ll encounter along the way.