#non-allo

Then there were just like... I wouldn't say rants? It's very hard to describe. Feels weird coming back after years to see something one would write in a diary maybe. Nothing heavy, but hm... It makes me a little melancholy(???) that there seems to be a specific feeling of non-emotional(?) loneliness that tags through with me through the years.

It's making me think of my current relationship(?) and how despite how nice she is and how much she likes me, I don't really seem to be able to muster up that same kind of care. She cries if I don't respond for a whole day. I don't really realize if I've been gone multiple days. Stuck in my own head, on my little hyperfixations and drawings and gaming videos, naps, whatever. But I do like her. Maybe I'm going through an aroaceflux period. Or maybe I really am just aroace about real people? Or aro, specifically? But I feel so so strongly for fictional characters. ...I.. Think? ...yeah. help, of course I do. Been in love with one idiot for 7 years, would wear a ring for the guy any day.(literally picking up a gold ring this weekend with thought of character)

I am.. yet again questioning my stance on "what if I AM aroace when it comes to reality" "what if I'm aro when it comes to reality" "no, I'm just demi" "no, I'm flux" "no, I'm allo and just haven't met the right person yet how could I fall for fictionals in such an allo way but not for real ppl?" "HOW? IN EVERY WAY, THE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS YOU FALL FOR ARE NOTHING LIKE REAL PEOPLE IN ANY WAY??" "guys what if I-" "no" "yes" "no" "yes-"

I guess I STILL despite everything, feel like I'm aro irl, at least. But I still want someone to love me specifically as their special person even though I have the strong feeling I'll probably never be able to like them back the same??? That seems toxic. I should just end the unofficial relationship I have going on with her, I think. I mean, honestly? She herself has admitted she can't promise she'll still be attracted to me as I transition. I said it was fine and we could just try it out still, but maybe that does bother me. Maybe I do want someone like me who would not mind whatever gender or assigned sex to like.