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being chronically ill will have you saying shit like. i wish someone would take out my entire digestive system and givr it a good scrub in saline wash before putting it back in me and maybe thatll fix me. and you wont even mean it sexually
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today in therapy
... was not the last day of therapy, but i brought up - and my psychologist "strongly agreed" - that i'm at a place now where i don't need regular therapy. i think my psych has been hinting at this for a while now, and i knew but i kind of wanted to keep therapy going regularly - there was this undercurrent of, idk, 'regular therapy makes me Special'? which obviously isn't true, going or not going to therapy has no bearing on your worth as a person.
(this is a long post, so i'm putting a read-more)
after a lot of hard work and red tape, Mischa is finally allowed to come to work with me!
we're taking it slow, doing 2 hours in the office and then the rest of the day from home, & we'll be slowly increasing the time in the office over a few months. we'll probably keep doing WFH in some form just because 8 hours in an office is a long time for anyone!
he's been a bit unsettled but that's to be expected, a new environment with new people. and it's only been 2 days!
everyone loves him but they've all been very good about not patting him or interacting with him; we did a fair bit of workplace education in the weeks leading up to it. the worst part was the waiting - i put in all my paperwork (proof of training etc) in about June and it was our first day yesterday. bureaucracy...
(he does have a mat but he's chose to lie under the desk instead lol)
What does DID look like for someone who has no idea they have it?
lots and lots of confusion and denial! some examples:
they'll obviously have all the symptoms, but instead of knowing that they're attributed to trauma, parts, and dissociation, it's very confusing and many people feel like they're going crazy
amnesia is often glossed over or purposefully ignored ("i just have a bad memory", "i drink too much and it makes me forget", etc)
lots of excuses about part behaviour ("doesn't everyone act like a kid when their favourite childhood show comes on though...?")
attributing things that in hindsight are obviously DID to thinks like the supernatural, imaginary friends, religious experiences, magic, demon or spirit possession, hypnotism, an overactive imagination etc
thinking everyone has these kinds of experiences, not realising that they're not universal
attributing symptoms to other disorders (especially BPD, substance use, bipolar disorder, seizure disorders, traumatic brain injuries, psychosis) or gender dysphoria (or otherkinity/therianthropy even)
remembering only some of the trauma, but thinking that that's all of it
feeling ashamed at their strange, inexplicable behaviour, and being unable to account for it
Here is another post on recognising signs of DID in hindsight.
also i got my first tattoo the other day and yeah it stung a bit (not nearly as bad as i expected though!) but it was actually strangely meditative? and its made me feel so much more connected to my body, which i didnt expect. like before it was like, yeah that's my arm i guess. now its like, yeah thats *my arm* with *my tattoo*. needless to say I'll definitely be getting more!
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yesterday arvo & all night i felt on the verge of a panic attack, and this morning i finally was like. oh maybe i should check Inside. (which i never think of doing until I've been triggered/dissociated/[insert distressing experience here] for ages...). and Inside Parts were like yeah lol Its Time for a Repressed Memory again. and i was just like... well its really bad timing cuz I've gotta go to work, can it wait until we get home? and they were like yeah ok then. and bam, no more panic.
im not looking forward to getting home (for once!) but I'm thankful that we/they can put a lid back on those feelings until i can process them (and that next therapy session is next week!)
Another thing, do you have any resources on NPD+BPD comorbidity? I looked and could only find "how to spot an abuser" articles.
people with NPD & BPD both need attention and validation from others, and have very fragile self-esteem
the reasons behind the need for attention is different: narcissists need to be reminded they’re important; borderlines need to be reminded they’re not going to be abandoned
someone with both would be very easily jealous
people with NPD are internally focused, while borderlines are externally focused
people with NPD have low empathy, people with BPD may have hyperempathy or fluctuating levels of empathy; someone with both will probably have low and/or fluctuating empathy
borderlines are impulsive, narcissists aren’t (though they may be when it comes to their self-image)
narcissists are prone to grandiosity & manipulation, and can have delusions of grandeur
both can have a need to be in control & are prone to eating disorders, depression, anxiety and emotional dysregulation
people with BPD have chronic feelings of emptiness, narcissists don’t outside of shame spirals (”narc crash”)
people with BPD have intense, volatile relationships, while people with NPD don’t; someone with both may have unstable relationships exacerbated by NPD superiority
both struggle a lot with keeping anger in check
narcissists put people in hierarchies, and borderlines tend to think they’re beneath people, so someone with both may think they are low on their hierarchy
people with BPD have difficulty planning for the future
both can have depression, suicidal thoughts, restlessness, and difficulties with self-identity and social relationships
shame is a hallmark of NPD, but also pops up in BPD a lot (thanks to trauma, splitting, mood swings, etc)
needing to see yourself as superior is more NPD, but again could also be part of mood swings & splitting in BPD
+ see also this post
