#nightlywrites

That I have ever had,

Was the sound

Of the wind in the trees,

And the weight

Of a book in my hands,

In a place full of solitude,

Where time doesn't

Exist for a moment.

And to my surprise they didn't say 'quiet' or 'introverted'.

They said I was intuitive.

At first I thought they were just being nice enough to

Show me there's more to me than how I act.

That word has stuck with me for months now,

And as I transitioned into a new college,

I became more aware of how others act.

By referring myself back time and time again to that word,

It made me more confident to make new friends,

And to see them beyond their outward nature.

If you observe the actions and talk of those around you,

You start to see a bit of them in you.

And so this has helped me grow more into

A person I want to be,

And I think after writing on this blog and taking time away for a while,

I've found myself, and I'm happy with who I am.

When someone you used to see daily

Is suddenly gone from your life.

There's a lingering feeling of uncertainty

On whether you'll ever see them again.

With no way of communicating,

You don't know what to do to see how they are.

At the last moments of seeing them,

You remember how you first met,

How the past years have been,

And all the times you spent together.

It's all you can cherish now,

Until hopefully,

I should tell people about my problems,

About what goes on in my head,

About how I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

But it's not as easy as they make it seem.

I can't bring myself to 'dump' my thoughts and problems onto someone else,

Someone who might be dealing with their own things.

I don't want people having to worry about me,

I want them to see me as 'normal', and so I'm not a burden to them.

A different friend said the other day that I don't look happy anymore,

That all my responses to 'How are you' is 'meh, the same'

With the 'same' being neutral/meh but not happy.

I don't want them to worry about me,

But I do need someone to talk to.

Unexplainable moments of sadness overwhelm me.

I can't sleep without feeling pain in my head,

I can't work without straining my brain.

I'm slowly losing the fight

Against my own body.

It's urging me to sleep, to rest, to let out my emotions,

But I simply have no time to rest or sleep.

The only way I get good grades is by staying up late grinding work.

Most of my friends seem to just 'wing' exams,

And they get good grades, sometime better than me,

Whereas they don't see the effort I put in

Just to try and keep up.

I hope this headache goes soon..

Surprised me the other day.

I was working after school,

And he came running into the classroom asking to talk with me.

He mentioned that I seemed down lately

And he said he was worried a lot about me.

Although he had to leave after saying that,

It made my day feel a bit better,

Knowing that one of my friends actually cared for me,

And didn't just see me as 'tired'.

I guess that's how you distinguish true friends from friends,

It's when they notice that 'tired' doesn't just mean sleep deprived,

It means tired of life.

For countless nights I've been laying in bed

At 3, 4am just thinking.

There's always the same people on my mind,

But not for good reasons.

I can't help it- but I think about their faults,

And things they do that annoys me.

But then I also wonder,

What are my faults?

What do these people see in me that they don't like?

I can think of a range of reasons,

But the ones that seem clearer than others are that

I'm too quiet and anxious about things.

I don't know how to change my ways,

So I'll stick with being me for a while.