[Poetry]

That I have ever had,

Was the sound

Of the wind in the trees,

And the weight

Of a book in my hands,

In a place full of solitude,

Where time doesn't

Exist for a moment.

And to my surprise they didn't say 'quiet' or 'introverted'.

They said I was intuitive.

At first I thought they were just being nice enough to

Show me there's more to me than how I act.

That word has stuck with me for months now,

And as I transitioned into a new college,

I became more aware of how others act.

By referring myself back time and time again to that word,

It made me more confident to make new friends,

And to see them beyond their outward nature.

If you observe the actions and talk of those around you,

You start to see a bit of them in you.

And so this has helped me grow more into

A person I want to be,

And I think after writing on this blog and taking time away for a while,

I've found myself, and I'm happy with who I am.

When someone you used to see daily

Is suddenly gone from your life.

There's a lingering feeling of uncertainty

On whether you'll ever see them again.

With no way of communicating,

You don't know what to do to see how they are.

At the last moments of seeing them,

You remember how you first met,

How the past years have been,

And all the times you spent together.

It's all you can cherish now,

Until hopefully,

Surprised me the other day.

I was working after school,

And he came running into the classroom asking to talk with me.

He mentioned that I seemed down lately

And he said he was worried a lot about me.

Although he had to leave after saying that,

It made my day feel a bit better,

Knowing that one of my friends actually cared for me,

And didn't just see me as 'tired'.

I guess that's how you distinguish true friends from friends,

It's when they notice that 'tired' doesn't just mean sleep deprived,

It means tired of life.

Unexplainable moments of sadness overwhelm me.

I can't sleep without feeling pain in my head,

I can't work without straining my brain.

I'm slowly losing the fight

Against my own body.

It's urging me to sleep, to rest, to let out my emotions,

But I simply have no time to rest or sleep.

The only way I get good grades is by staying up late grinding work.

Most of my friends seem to just 'wing' exams,

And they get good grades, sometime better than me,

Whereas they don't see the effort I put in

Just to try and keep up.

I hope this headache goes soon..

I should tell people about my problems,

About what goes on in my head,

About how I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

But it's not as easy as they make it seem.

I can't bring myself to 'dump' my thoughts and problems onto someone else,

Someone who might be dealing with their own things.

I don't want people having to worry about me,

I want them to see me as 'normal', and so I'm not a burden to them.

A different friend said the other day that I don't look happy anymore,

That all my responses to 'How are you' is 'meh, the same'

With the 'same' being neutral/meh but not happy.

I don't want them to worry about me,

But I do need someone to talk to.

For countless nights I've been laying in bed

At 3, 4am just thinking.

There's always the same people on my mind,

But not for good reasons.

I can't help it- but I think about their faults,

And things they do that annoys me.

But then I also wonder,

What are my faults?

What do these people see in me that they don't like?

I can think of a range of reasons,

But the ones that seem clearer than others are that

I'm too quiet and anxious about things.

I don't know how to change my ways,

So I'll stick with being me for a while.

Why am I still awake??

I've had insomnia a lot this week,

I tend to not get enough sleep in the night,

And then the next day I suffer,

By trying not to fall asleep in lessons

Or on the bus.

I desperately need to fix my sleeping pattern.

I need to change something in this cycle.

Otherwise it'll just continue

And I'll always be tired.

I can't be relying on 2-3 hours of sleep in the day,

if I could drift away from all my problems.

I wouldn't have to worry about going out everyday

whilst worrying about the smallest of things.

And while I'm at it,

I over think things way too much,

to the point where I stress myself out

more than school and people do.

Perhaps I create my own problems

by thinking too much.

I can't really tell the difference anymore

between what's real

and what's in my head,

but I know that all these problems

point directly to me-

It's hard to tell the difference if someone's telling the truth or lying,

Sometimes I can't even tell if my friends are lying.

But the person we lie to the most

on a daily basis

is ourselves.

Let's face it, we're not 'ok'.

We haven't been 'ok' for a while now,

but we keep lying to ouselves

to protect ourselves from facing the truth.

Perhaps its because we don't know when we'll be 'ok',

but I guess it depends on your own definition of the word.

Maybe some of you reading this are 'ok'.

and I don't know why,

but all of a sudden I felt a tear fall from my eye.

I didn't know why it was there.

I still don't know.

I quickly wiped it away in case anyone saw,

but another fell after it and took its place.

Was it because I'd had a long day?

Was it because I was alone?

I want to know why I cried

so that I wouldn't have wasted tears

on something that wasn't even worth it.

Because what's the point in wasting tears in the day,

Instead of lying by simply saying 'I'm fine',

Would you judge me?

Would you think I was some kind of freak?

I don't share how I really feel to people,

Even people I consider to be 'good friends',

Because I'm scared of how they would react.

I'm usually seen as quiet and funny,

Someone without a care in the world,

But I do have a sadder side to me,

A side that no one sees.

I'm afraid to show it.

I'm afraid to be me.

I don't know how to tell people that 'I'm not okay,

some days there's too much on my mind

that I can't get it down on a page;

some days my mind is blank and so empty.

There is no in between.

Why do my thoughts linger on unhappy

or awkward situations I experience during the day?

Sometimes I feel like there's too much

happening in my real life,

that I can't handle faking who I am there,

and only being my true self here.

How much regret can someone feel after an argument?

How much loss can someone take in a year?

Most people don't realise how bad someone is,

Until they break under the stress of it.

These people need us to help while they're hurting,

Or even before they're hurting,

Not after.

They need us but don't tell us they want help.

So it's up to us to help them when they don't realise they need it the most.

Help someone, anyone,

Than be a person surrounded by thousands of fake people.

And although I categorize myself as a loner and a geek,

I find that there's nothing completely wrong with being it.

It's a lot easier not being a burden to people when you're alone,

But even for some people who I consider 'True' friends,

They make me feel as though I'm a burden to them.

They hang out with me sometimes only because they think I'm lonely,

When they clearly act like they would rather spend their time with other people.

This hurts inside because it's true.

It happens to me everyday.

So I just leave them sometimes to be on my own,

And the moment I do, I see them instantly go to their other friends,

And I see the joy they have with them,

Whereas I must create my own 'joy'.

When you think about it,

A semi colon could be the perfect way to end a first person narrated story.

If the character died, the story wouldn't continue,

It would just end mid sentence.

It's similar to real life,

When you die,

A thousand thoughts race through your head,

But they don't exactly finish with an end thought.

It just, stops.

Anything can have a deeper meaning,

Who has so much to live for.

You make this world better than it was yesterday,

If you weren't in it, I wouldn't be able to live,

Knowing that someone who was so incredible

And unique,

Was no longer under the same sky as me,

Was no longer standing on the same ground as me.

Do you know who this person is?

It's you, the reader.

You are beautiful.

You have the abilities to accomplish so much in life.

Please hang in there; I know life has many struggles,

But somehow, we can get through them

Even if you don't know what path to follow,