#nicholas witchell

What if Hieronymus Bosch's The Last Judgment but filled with many Nicholas Witchells.

BBC’s Nicholas Witchell accuses Harry and Meghan of ‘thumbing their noses’ at Queen

US prosecutors ‘want a face-to-face interview with Prince Andrew but he wants to provide a written statement’ in extraordinary spat over Jeffrey Epstein probe

US investigators claim Andrew has failed to co-operate, while the Duke says he has made three offers to help

BBC royal editor said Andrew’s lawyers would seek to ‘control the process’ by avoiding ‘unlimited’ questions 

Andrew’s face-to-face interview with Emily Maitlis on Newsnight last November was widely seen as a disaster

US authorities have submitted a request to interview Andrew but say that…

In ‘Royal Battle Royale’, Buckingham Palace crashes in the Andes and the Royal Family have to eat each other but unknown to them it’s televised.

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Dressed in ermine wrapped with silken rags they hunt each other down through the crazy tilt of reception rooms full of splintered glass and ice.

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Prince Charles is forced to eat his own ears, but doesn’t know how to cook, so vomits up half-digested cartilage on a legless throne.

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Prince Harry tries to keep a sort of diary in his brother’s blood, daubing entire corridors with St George crosses to mark the days.

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The Queen lures the younger and/or more naïve members of the Royal Family into her cannibalistic lair with stories of delicious 'jewel soup’.

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Prince Philip shows no reaction whatsoever to Buckingham Palace crashing into the Andes. It appears he hasn’t needed to eat for decades.

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Next, the sheer unlikeliness of Buckingham Palace crashing into the Andes causes ex-members of the Royal Family to rise from the dead.

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The Queen Mother, Princess Margaret, and Lord Mountbatten are confined to a snow-filled ballroom, where they raven for royal viscera.

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Zombies of royal blood show little interest in brains, presumably because their descendants’ crania do not contain sufficient nourishment.

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At night a lone corgi can be heard howling to the Moon as it rises over the Andes. Royal survivors slaver but cannot find the wily mutt.

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Meanwhile Royalists driven to despair by Buckingham Palace crashing into the Andes are forced to build their own palace out of nuclear submarines.

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Stacking subs on the empty site of Buckingham Palace is cheaper, safer, and more effective than renovation or using them as a deterrent.

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Next, 'The Great British Posh Off’, a competition to find actors to play the Royal Family in absentia, beats 'Royal Battle Royale’ in the ratings.

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Speculating on the Speculation

The position of “Royal Correspondent” must be one of the most soul destroying things imaginable. Perhaps even worse than that of “Liberal Democrat Campaign Manager”. All those years at university studying journalism and for what? Hanging about outside somewhere or other, spending your days speculating.

Yesterday’s Royal Birth has been a classic case in point. The “Royal Correspondents” were all…