#nic13

Sometimes I can't seem to distinguish the dreams from the reality...or multiple parallel dreams or realities It might be the nightly dose of Keep it all in check In the form of a monthly orange bottle full of little white rounds...like mini smarties...but ready to be cut down the center... I remember those...old candies, bits and fragmented shards of memories... I thought about time today...or I think about it always... Like the movie in my head of my life keeps going as the moon rises and sets in time with the clocks... Wake up...brush teeth...maybe cereal More often than not tea or coffee The way people are... In the mornings...sets the tone for their day... So what about life...what moments set that chain reaction spark...what ignites it... I could say it was the first smile...the first handwritten message like a clue to find.. The first book recommendation... Or I could say it was a first lie when they believe that you are deceived but really your world is burning in front of you Maybe it's smoke...drifting in and out...pleasant like incense...the way I like sandalwood, nag champa and sage... You like less musky, less nostalgia scented pain...you like clean linen, fruity orchards...sea breezes, the feel of sand and sun in Carmel...maybe it's because you're a now person... You're a write it down so you can't forget, Routine inspection. Ride along with others tell me what to do person... I'm a go with the flow of memory and bend time to my favor person...I want the day where you get it, it clicks and I don't have to tell you what to say, or what to do...to get me, to notice me...to love me...for me I live for talks in the middle of the nighttime Comets visible in the shimmering of the air around my body when you say my name... I love the odd question without false accusations and pretenses... I miss the ebb and flow of comfort and the act of letting go of responsibilities for a moment... Just...time... It's not something a lot of us have But I need real, I need true...I need stimulation and banter and to feel like I matter in this shifting changing time bomb of a planet... I'm not sure why this is all coming out now...must be the insomnia talking... Or the idea that in other realities this is different, I'm different... I mattered the first time... Time and time again...I jus want to matter. I want to believe that being happy...truly is possible...

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's noticeable The shift of energy The blood rushing to my cheeks The slight improvement to my shaky nature See...I think that's how it feels to have an anchor We're both dreamers but in some ways you've managed to tether me to this world without clipping my wings There's a softness in you...the determination is there too but the softness is what I've missed The gentle touches, the looks fragile enough to keep my bones of ashes from scattering The warmth Every time is different The clocks wound themselves backwards for us... Second chances are hard to come by Alice knew this too I think... But I'm willing to risk wonderland for you, To navigate the depths of my hellish mind, My impulse demons My fears... Because you believe in us too. Because this world doesn't make sense But we do... Because I'm realizing I'll always come back to you.

From when the girl got me a fancy thing! <3

Snippet time because it’s been awhile. #WalkingDisasters #TheWombats

I liked the way her name rolled around in my mouth like shards of glass…well maybe not glass. The taste of copper and mineral wasn’t immediate. It was more like the way light fades in and out of view. Its how stars feel so far away…yet theres a longing in our blood…for the particles of stardust we keep for ourselves. She was like that…something so bright and vivid…crossing my eyelids like shooting stars. Here’s the thing about stars…by the time we can see them here…lightyears away…they’ve become shells of what they once were. The brightness comes from burning too long…from being…too much. People are like that too I think, sometimes we see them…from lightyears away. If we could ever get close enough in time…a tesseract maybe…we’d see that they’ve become fragmented…altered in a way only they can partially understand. Its a search…to find what lights the spark again…its…the way names and faces blur with passing years. Its how certain stars will never fade away…burned into your retina like a flash you weren’t ready for. Candid. I like that about people…what they are when no one is watching. See…when you were left on your own…you were inward. Reflective and still in a way that betrayed your inner turmoil. Only people who are good at containing chaos can be so still on the outside. The sky sets itself on fire every night…and we watch from mountaintops…calmed by the celestial balance…the way things are, the way we think they should be. Perception. What if we had it all wrong? What if everything you’ve ever known got turned upside down, topsy turvy-maybe i’m not meant to be…here. The way I see it? No one else does…thats the beauty and the curse of it all. I see….something…a pinprick of light that…exists within an endless stream of doubt and insecurity…but its there. Its, for lack of a more encompassing term…a hope of a probability that maybe this time…i’m not wrong…and the longing stardust chase i feel in my blood….is more real than the taste of copper on my tongue.

That I'm not good enough That I'll always be last choice Of losing more people I care about Of never being happy Of feeling Everything And Nothing.