#nexusbeing.

@nexusbeing​ said : ❝  i was sort’ve hoping you needed me.  is that selfish?  ❞

“ 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝙳𝙰... ”  he begins softly, as though if he were to speak too loud it would disrupt the moment. this quiet they’d come to settle into like routine, a familiar essence of simply existing in each other’s company. bucky sits aside her, form folding into the couch cushions with a faint squeak. the furniture is old, something he’d liked when he’d thrifted much of it for his new home. he liked that it’d been lived in, experienced someone else’s life, and now was brought into his own. this couch in particular had seen many sleepless nights, many of which he’d spent wide awake, staring at the television as something new and horrible reminded him that he would never truly be at peace.

the rocky incline trembles with the force of the blast     &     the knife-like edge of his shield perilously jolts from where it’s cleaved into the alp .      ----     𝚂𝚆𝙴𝙰𝚃 𝙱𝙴𝙰𝙳𝚂 𝙾𝙽 𝙷𝙸𝚂 𝙱𝚁𝙾𝚆     &     𝚁𝚄𝙽𝚂 𝙸𝙽𝚃𝙾 𝙷𝙸𝚂 𝙴𝚈𝙴𝚂 ,     ----     caught by his lashes before dripping down the broad curve of his nose     &     dropping to mix with soot on stone .     (     almost fallen ,     never dead     ) .

𝙷𝙴'𝚂 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙲𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙵𝙾𝚁 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝙳𝙰'𝚂 𝙷𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝚆𝙷𝙴𝙽 ,     𝙰𝙶𝙰𝙸𝙽 ,     𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙷𝙴𝙰𝚅𝙴𝙽𝚂 𝙴𝙲𝙷𝙾 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝙸𝚁 𝙷𝚈𝙼𝙽𝙾𝙳𝚈 .     this time the thunderous crack of the world splitting apart     &     the accompanying death rattle almost sends him over the edge ,     shield splintering in half     (     lost to the maw of the mountain     )     as he’s pulled ,     as if belched from the pit hell ,     onto the flat plane where they stood before the sky opened up .     𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙿𝙴𝙰𝙻𝚂 𝙾𝙵 𝙱𝙰𝚃𝚃𝙻𝙴 can be heard in the distance .     but he can’t hear any of THE PROTECTORATE among the cacophony .

≺     опекун :     lena ?     kolya ?     is anyone alive ?     ≻ ≺     николай крыленко :     copy     ...     there’s a cave .     ≻                «     relief comes in waves         » ≺     опекун :     coming your way .     ≻

𝚃𝙷𝙴 ‘𝙲𝙰𝚅𝙴’ 𝙸𝚂 𝚂𝚄𝙽𝙺𝙴𝙽 𝙸𝙽𝚃𝙾 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙰𝙻𝚃𝙰𝙸 𝙻𝙸𝙺𝙴 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙴𝚈𝙴 𝙾𝙵 𝙰 𝙱𝙴𝙰𝚂𝚃 .     he is wary of darkness ,     but time is running out .     

𝑾 . 𝑴 .          «     they can’t get in here .     » 

the cool of the linoleum tile permeates through the soft material of his sweatpants, back covered in a thin layer of sweat. the hum of the fan distorts wanda's words, but they reverberate through his skull nonetheless, cause him to pull his gaze away from the floor where had been sitting in silence for at least half an hour. bucky turns his head, an expression that's both equal parts pining and lamenting. most he could hide from, but she… not so much.

" did my absence wake you? " he poses the question, rises to his feet and moves to linger in the doorway. here they stand eye to eye, her examining all the parts of him he desires to shield while all he can see is the woman he loves. the thought sends a wave of repose to his aggravated consciousness. " perfect. " he doesn't realize he's thinking out loud, metallic hand reaching out to cup the cheek between thumb and pointer. " it's unfair of you to catch me at my worst when you look like that. " tone is jesting, body bending forward - seeking her familiarity, her warmth.

forehead rests against her own, lips brushing the bridge of her nose. for a moment he listens for the evening of their mixed breathing before he finally decides to speak on the unavoidable. " i close my eyes at night and all i hear is the remains of a past i can't forget, no matter what good i do. my mind tells me things i know are a lie, and i feel this … unrest that everything i have is going to be ripped from my fingers again. " his touch slides down her neck to rest there, sensors picking up her heartbeat. " it's irrational. " words run short, so he opts instead to capture her lips in a kiss, a reassurance that he is fine despite the nightly disturbance. " at least if i can be certain of anything, it's your belief in me. " bucky withdraws slightly, uses his free hand to flick off the bathroom light and swoops wanda into his embrace so he can guide her forward with a gentle hand. " bed calls. "

@nexusbeing​​ said : ❛ you’ve made me very happy. ❜  

𝙷𝙴 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂𝙽'𝚃 𝙳𝙴𝚂𝙴𝚁𝚅𝙴 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚂.

or so his brain tells him, time and again whenever he happens to feel like he’s healing. changing, becoming something better. it’s a hard cycle, and wanda knows this. she’s never been anything but supportive, a rock to keep him grounded when sometimes the waves came on too heavy. still, part of him is burdened with a heavy conscious, and it echoes this particular day in the back of his mind as he comes to encircle wanda in an embrace, chin resting atop the crown of her head and arm encasing her shoulders. the kitchen window reveals an overcast day, raindrops hitting the glass intermittently and calming his nerves.

her words ease this burden, just so. “ have i ? ” he hums in reply, fingers making small gentle circles against her skin. eyes search the space before him, flickering from plants, to a distant alpine curled up on his sofa. he kisses wanda’s hair, an affectionate reassurance of his emotions, and lingers there, breathing in the familiarity of her. “ me too. ” bucky echoes quietly, words humming in his chest. grasp squeezes her faintly, and an ache pricks at his heart.

what a terrible kind of torment, to feel unworthy. to love someone so much, yet feel like it’s only a matter of time before they’re taken from you.

he fears loneliness, of course.

“ ‘WAS NOTHING. ” a lie, but one he relays like habit. night terrors never left him - he doubted they ever would. he supposes he should be used to them by now, the terrible sinking feeling every time they drug him down into his subconscious and back into another terrible memory, or perhaps a new hellscape that his mind had conjured up. bucky knows wanda knows better, of course. she always knew. shoulders sag as he turns to lean over the bedside, mattress squeaking at the change in weight. breath is exhaled from his lips, the sound almost shaking. 

“ i just need.. a drink. water or something. ” or perhaps something bitter that burned on the way down.  

but he didn’t do that anymore. 

❛ You made a choice, you bear the consequence. ❜

❛ When you’re a monster, you are thanked and praised for not behaving like a monster. ❜

❛ They say I’m a beast and they feast on it. ❜

❛ I felt blameless then, and I feel blameless now. ❜

❛ Now that you’ve found me, am I what you thought I’d be? ❜

❛ I almost forgot how powerful you are. ❜

❛ I’ve tried to love you, to offer sanctuary. ❜

❛ I'm not a child. Being in love won't make me overlook my responsibilities. ❜

❛ Let us breathe in the fire dust. ❜

❛ You, lovely-eyed, death-touched. --- Witch. ❜

❛ Kill them. Now. While they are helpless. ❜

❛ The only thing you have to be afraid of is me. ❜

❛ I’m not threatening you. I’m begging you. ❜

❛ There is no magic without arousal. ❜

❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜

❛ I could offer you the stars or a fountain of wine. Have my flesh, or my vein. ❜

❛ I am queen of all my sins forgotten. ❜

❛ Love is for souls, not bodies. ❜

❛ I’ve seen now what I’ve never seen before. ❜

❛ Never again will you set eyes on me. ❜

❛ All this, is mine. All of it. Before everything, it was dark, and that too was mine.  ❜

❛ Don't look back. The past is exactly where it belongs. ❜

❛ I rely heavily on your wisdom and experience. ❜

❛ My heart has never known peace. ❜

❛ I could pull reality apart, let you see how it looks from the inside. ❜

❛ Only a fool runs quickly to war or love. ❜

❛ I had a great deal to give, but that was not enough. I had to give my blood, my strength. ❜

❛ We make choices. And sometimes, they lead us to do things, terrible things, things we don’t wish to do. Things we’d do anything not to. ❜

❛ I can feel death from across the planet, like a part of me is being torn to pieces. ❜