#newbornthings

ever since i have been brought into this world, i have had my very first thoughts! like... hmm... oh i know! why do we kill just to die, why do we kill to eat? what is the point of ending ones life just for yours to end eventually too?

I need to start having kiddo sleep on her own. Guidelines say she shouldn’t be sleeping with me at all, but she has her little cot type thing on the other side of my bed and it has bumpers that neither of us can roll over. I’m a light sleeper and don’t move in my sleep, so I feel like in my case she’s safe. But it’s hard to get things done when I have a precious little loaf on my chest. Like pee and pump out whatever milk she didn’t drink.

My only struggle is Mercy wanting to nap on me instead of burping and eating. And having to hold my pee because I want her to get a good nap while she’s on me.

Mercy’s been sleeping a lot the last couple of days. Which I guess is normal. But she hasn’t been eating much today.

I started utilizing my stationary breast pump and got new supplements today. It doesn’t matter how or when I pump throughout the day, I only pump out 4 ounces in a 10 hour time frame. The other 12 hours are for kiddos breastfeeding time. I hate that I still have to supplement formula, but I heavily invested in some that should be better for her than the stuff I’ve been using. But as long as she’s fed and healthy, that’s all that matters.

She’s smiling a lot more this week and her constant fists aren’t a thing anymore. She still has her leg scrunch. She’s almost outgrown newborn diapers and she makes fun noises.

Mercy is starting to get too long for her onesies, but she’s still too small for the next size up. She has footless onesies but she’s good at kicking socks off and it’s too cold for bare feet.

The second ER trip was more satisfying. They ran every test and scanned every scan. They found out that it’s a hematoma from a likely burst blood vessel. Her brain and skull are fine, her blood work came back perfect.

Watching the nurses try to draw blood from her tiny veins was awful, Mercy cried so much and screamed some screams that I never want to hear again. My mom and I sobbed the whole time she cried. A beautiful angel shouldn’t ever feel pain or distress.

Mercy is starting to make noises that aren't fussing and crying. She's smiling more and making the sweetest and cutest coos and ahhs. It started yesterday, she went to cry for something but the cry turned into a non urgent shriek. She proceeded to wildly kick her legs and fart.

She still hasn't laughed yet but she's gotten very close a couple times.

She's not as farty and gassy as she was a couple weeks ago. Which is good, I'm sure she feels better. I've been more attentive to her formulas life span (when mixed, it can only sit out for an hour and fridged lasts 24 hours but I dump it after 8) and temperature (warm formula REALLY fucks her up, she had a half hour crying session because her insides hurt and I felt awful and helpless). I've been eating less oats because I noticed they made me gassy and I guess they made her gassy too.

Mercy's one month check up was good. They said her weight is still below average for her age, she's 8lbs now, and that she only grew an inch. It looks and feels like she grew a few inches rather than one, so I'm re-measuring her when I find my tape measure. She got a couple shots despite my anti-vax co-captain's grumblings. I never want to hear her scream/cry like that again but I know I will.

Mercy's starting to actually see things and make eye contact. She recognizes what her bottle and binky look like, as well as my tots. I'm excited to show her Christmas lights.