#neverwilliever

Parenting is an exercise in hubris. If you’ve ever been at a crowded restaurant, quiet library, or boarding aircraft, and thought to yourself, “Wow, look at *that* kid” - guess what! You’re almost certainly going to be the parent of that child. Or a new terror you haven’t even imagined.

It’s already only been 10 months of parenthood, and already T and I have broken several bonds we made to one another. To wit:

My kid won’t be snot-nosed. False! When babies get a cold, they don’t use tissues. They use you! Your shoulders and shins become his personal handkerchiefs. And you’ll chase them around with a Kleenex, or if you really want to, you can try the Swedish snot-sucker (a torture device, according to my kid). Eventually,  you’ll see the the snot dry on his little nose and know you tried. You sure did try.

My kid won’t know screens. Well, we’ve done this partially. We don’t watch tv in front of him and he still hasn’t enjoyed the pleasures of Daniel the Tiger or Frozen or Moana, etc etc. But we do FaceTime with his grandparents and aunt and other family, and take pictures, and play his favorite Peter and the Wolf tunes. In weak moments I show him pictures or... gasp!... video of himself which, vain baby that he is, he adores and sometimes will try to kiss. I’m hoping we’re still in the safe zone for screens - even if he grabs our phones every chance he gets.

My kid won’t get bribed by food. Lies lies lies!! The second he could pincer grip Cheerios in his tiny baby fingers, the second he got them in his high chair, stroller, and yes, even car seat. We have a kid car now. When he fusses I will pass him a snack and it makes us all happy. 

My kid will know and respect “no.” Nope. Not yet, anyway.