#nevernevertina

It was something spontaneous, James certainly didn’t think it through. But he missed Tina, and it had been too long since he saw her (it was like a week). It made him think he wanted her to spend more than a night with her. So this was the plan in the make. He got a new van with tinted windows, so Peter wouldn’t recognise the vehicle.

[Text: Tina]: Say princess what would you say to a little trip, just you and me. Let’s leave our worries behind for a couple of days and have some fun.

Hmm, I guess she did. It made James wonder if he should be happy with the comparison or not, then again. He wasn’t her aunt Mary, so it didn’t matter in the end. The next line didn’t sit well with him, yet it was something he had said too often when he found himself in trouble. When he got hit a bit too much or when he woke up after beaten unconscious. I’m still alive after all. “Such a good thing you are alive Tina-” He almost felt tempted to add the line: ‘Who else would make up our beds’ but refrained, he wanted to play her game and he couldn’t play the game well if she were to get angry with him. Her feelings shifted like a sudden storm at sea, so he had to be careful with what he would say. Especially because she could use her anger as yet another excuse to run away from the situation. He didn’t want that.

It seemed like Tina had found her confidence again, so this would end up to be a game of cat and mouse. His flirtation had to be as vague as possible, enough to keep this tiny act going, but not over the top to make her realize what it was that he had been feeling for her. Unlike Tina, James didn’t crave attention, and it wasn’t like he didn’t attract people before. The only difference was that James wouldn’t settle for them, they were too kind, too naive too sweet too...normal? boring even. Tina was fresh, she was playful and a tease. She was insecure, yet exciting, dangerous yet alluring. She wasn’t like everyone else, James just happened to realize this before Peter did. 

Sadly, truly, considering Peter had known her far longer than James did. If he was Peter he would have settled for Tina a long time ago. 

I wouldn’t blame you. “That’s because you cannot blame me, Tina, you like the flattery. I know you do. It’s why you tease Smee so often.” He smirked. “But it isn’t that usual you try this with me. Why the sudden change?”

“Is it boring? Or does my answer not satisfy your needs.” He laughed. “Well if I recall you did call me stupid. My stupidity seems to be rather boundless.” He placed a hand next to her, keeping a distance between her and the wall.

And then he laughed, a wholehearted laugh. He removed hìs hand and placed it against his lips as if it could prevent him from the laugh escaping his. “I like every one of my staff, one more than the other.” He smiled before placing a piece of hair back behind her ear.

“But if I like you- that I’ll leave up to your imagination.” He grinned.

Everyday when working in Neverland, James found himself getting surprised each and every day. Smee had gotten tired of James his pining, though he wasn't aware it had been an obvious thing, and decided enough was enough. So when James and Tina started yet another argument Smee came to the both of them yanked their arms and cuffed them to one another. "You are both adults time for the two of you to get along and to behave." 

It was torture in its finest form, James thought. it was already hard to hide his feelings for her let alone be locked to her. 

"There must be a way to get these off without a key...right?" His voice was uncertain and Smee had made sure he was out of sight before the both of them could kill him. The coward.

To say James was a changed man was a bit of an understatement. If anything it was as if there were no traces of the man that was there before. His heart now cold, empty and hardened. But it couldn’t show, because if someone would notice they might question what goes down in the basement of Neverland. There was one exception to this rule, the one that caused him the bitterness in his heart. At first it started out easy, ignoring. But Tina wasn’t someone who let him ignore her peacefully. He was beginning to feel fed up about it. So when she put her finger against his chest he snapped. Grabbed her wrist and dragged her to the side.

“I’m tired of your games Tina.”

It was Christmas and James stared at the bags presented in front of him. He knew the orphanage couldn't keep him forever' but to kick him out on his birthday in the coldest month of the year was harsh. It was only luck that he had been working before he got kicked out and had enough money to rent a hotel room. The lady of the hotel seemed understanding. 

He was 18 year now, an adult to society but deep down he felt like a child that was afraid for his future. Yet he didn't have time to be afraid. He had to work and get things together. In his haste and worries he did not notice the scribble appearing on his hand. You see the way you can indicate if someone is your soulmate is different for each pair. For some it can have something to do with colour or a tattoo on their skin or words they will tell you upon first meeting. 

James had no idea his would be something like pen appearing on his skin. It wasn't until a few days later he realized he wasn't the cause for those scribbles. But his soulmate was.

"Can you please stop?" He wrote down on his wrist, hoping it would grab his soulmate's attention. He could only wait and see.

"Smee!" James barked and the door of his room opened with a bang. "The map is gone!" 

"G-Gone Sir, captain, Captain." The poor fool fumbled with his words as James glared. "Call the men, the one who dared to even touch it will be dead." It wasn't particularly hard to find out who was the culprit. It always had been that brat that got them into trouble. "Smee..." The right-hand man shivered as the captain whispered his name. "Where is Peter?" The man flinched. While all James could do was put his hand through his hair.

"Lets go to that kid’s hometown, what was it called again, ah yes. Neverland."

James closed his eyes for a moment. He knew this moment would happen eventually. When being second choice would not be enough for him. 

"What are we Tina?" He asked her, unable to touch her. To hold her. 

"Where are we going with this." 

To say James was well would be an absolute lie. He could manage to keep himself straight when he was with Wendy. But now in his own home with no one to see him everything that James ever was crumbled down beneath his own two feet. And everything was his own fault. He was in too deep, he knew. His feelings strong and unwavering and yet he did not deserve any of it. There was no love for James Hook, that is simply how it was meant to be. And now his biggest concern went out for her. What if Peter saw, what could he even say. More lies. The truth. Was there ever room for the truth.

A sickening feeling came over him as stress washed over him like only a waterfall can and he had to rush to his bathroom to empty his stomach. His chest tightened and his vision blurred. It had been forever since he had one of these. Panic attacks. And it wasn't even because of him. It was a panic what Peter would say to Tina. Or what he would feel losing her. Or worse, if she would hate him for loving her.

Why did it have to be you.

Those words stung like a razorblade. Morely because in a way he had heard that familiar sting before.

Why couldn't you just die?

Those were the words after his mother attempted to drown him when he was six. The event that had led to him being send off to the orphanage. The event that made him hate himself. The event that made him think why as well. 

Was there anything he did deserve? Certainly that wasn't love. Affection. Respect. Neither of these things he deserved. A family or a home. He lost that years ago and as much as he fought he never got that back. Not with allowing Peter to be part of his life, and neither with having these feelings for Tina.

James was lonely, he absolutely was. But he was also an adult, a leading figure with his own business and there were things expected of him. Falling apart wasn't one of them. He clutched to his stomach as the tears began to fall from his eyes. Crying was not allowed. It was not allowed. He repeated to himself in a desperate attempt to stop them. It didn't work. 

There was one thing that usually did, an old habit that he no longer felt a need for.

Until now. 

He walked towards the cabinet and found his cigarets and took one out and lightened it. He took a single puf before putting the cigarette against his flesh the all too familiar burn against his wrist. Yet it wasn't enough so he added his lighter to it. It wasn't till his body begged him to stop the flame he did and he finally found it in him to breath. 

One day he would stop the punishments. But right now the pain reminded him of one thing: he was alive. And for now only that would be enough.

He heard a familiar buzz and Tina's name flashed on the tiny screen. How long has it been.

"Knock knock."

A smile crept on his lips, and the softest of a chuckle came. This was just like Tina. This was also why he so deeply loved her. He clung to his phone as if his life depended on it and typed.

"Who is there?"

Another buzz.

"impending doom ✌."