#nevermoreroleplay

Renifie Kilwith, new student at Nevermore Academy here writing another blog entry. To recap so far: (1) moved in to Nevermore and was awestruck by how dreamy a girl named Enid Sinclair is, (2) got an excited wave and smile from her, seeing her in passing, (3) confessed my ability/curse that always pushes everyone away before rumors could spread, (4) was surprised how much Nevermore is different and actually approached me more than I would have ever guessed, welcoming me and sharing their own fears, plus Enid talked to me a little while I was studying, but just a few words.

I have not seen Enid anywhere for the last few days. It's tough not seeing the dreamiest girl at Nevermore just not be there, and although I had not really had a whole lot of interaction with her before, going back to read old gossip posts she made on her own blog didn't really help. I'm telling myself I'm not in love with her; I mean, how could I be?

She's dreamy, sure, but I don't know her really well enough to fall in love with her. How much is enough, to fall in love with someone? I guess no one can make a rule for how much to apply onto others, and I would certainly like to know more about her, from her own say-so. I'd like to make my knowledge of Enid be more of information that came from her directly, than of information I just guess or figure out on my own. I can make up all kinds of what-if ideas in my head, how she might react if I said this or that, but all of those are just traits I am limited to imagining for, rather than really finding out. Would I instead actually be in love with that imaginary person who simply resembles Enid?

As more students (and some professors) have come to me to talk about their fears and telling me how glad they are I can keep a secret they want to confess, I have realized a lot of those fears tend to be big what-if events, and not of actual events.

What if I fail that test: would my parent not love me as much? What if I forget about one homework project due and destroy my chances of a perfect score: would that knock me out of the best choice of job I want in my future?

A lot of those things are fears about something we don't know yet, and to me I am not comfortable deciding that is an actual fear without experiencing it directly to know I really would be scared in that real situation -- I can want to fly away on a cloud of joy or melt into a puddle of bliss every time Enid catches my eye in the hallway, but I can't decide to call that love without finding out who Enid really is. Maybe I won't actually like her if I got to know her, but maybe I will, too.

When people shut me out so often in my other schools after knowing my secret, a lot of what I had left was just what-ifs to ask myself, and could only just guess. Now that other students are actually approaching me, I feel like I can do more than just guess, but actually really find out. Is my finding out just still a product of others around me, or is it me really stepping out?

I think the answer to that doesn't really matter; I do want to find out more about who Enid really is, instead of just guess. I know she's into Ajax, and I'm getting a sense she might be into Wednesday. Regardless, I am into Enid, right now. If I worry about it all day, then I will be paralyzed with fear and not act; but if I do act, then my feelings can be based on something that was real.

Enid, your cheerfulness and bubbly optimism is something I really admire, on top of how epic tier cute you are to me. I hope your absence around me lately isn't something I've done, and I want to pursue you, but from the angle of friendliness. Maybe we can help each other out, in some way.

I'll tell you what, Enid. Here's a question for you to answer for when I do meet you: How does the paint on your nails stay the right color when they go out long? Do you have to paint them when they're long, so that, when they go back short, it stays that color? Or do you use some kind of stretchy nail color that stretches out when the nails go long so you can paint them when they're not out?

Renifie Kilwith here with another blog post about being a new student at Nevermore. To recap: (1) moved in and became heart-eyes for Enid Sinclair, (2) got a wave and interested eyebrow-raised smile when passing by her out of Weem's office, (3) confessed my ability/curse power to prevent rumors spreading.

Enid Sinclair spoke to me today. It was just a few words before she had to run off to gossip matters not-yet-told, and, while I am excited that it is progress.. I am maybe more excited that I wasn't simply shunned after confessing what my ability is.

Every kid at schools I attended before this, pretty much shut me out completely after they learned I had visions about what someone is most afraid of others to know. Kids wouldn't even associate with me, for fear of worrying other kids might think they knew their secrets, even though I never tell others' secrets.

What did happen here at Nevermore after I confessed my ability/curse was completely unexpected; I was approached by loads of students than before, when I had simply been new. I was surprised to learn, that, being someone who could keep a secret, I was someone who could be spoken to more freely about secrets.

Something the students needed to talk out about, and were afraid to approach a teacher or a parent about it; they came to me. I actually got several people who wanted to have their fears read by me, instead of being afraid I would read theirs.

I misjudged you Nevermore. I had been so harshly judged by all the other kids in school before, that I anticipated much the same from you. You really showed me that I've found my people. A lot of you told me it was okay to share that you had experiences much as I did, being cast out socially at all your other schools.

After moving to Nevermore, I never thought there was some role I could play in helping people; it has always been me who needed the help. I never would have thought I would be the one sought out for help, and being told secrets, rather than fear of the reverse.

Although, I do still need help meeting up with Enid Sinclair. She's not in any of my classes, and I only seem to happen upon her completely randomly. I take the same path between classes but don't see her each day between them.

She did speak to me, though, which is progress. I was studying my carnivorous plants notes in that open middle area, when she came up to me and sat down across from the picnic table. We only had a few words before she had to zip off again, but she confirmed my impression that she did want to meet up with me to really talk, but that's all I got. And really, it's the best I could have hoped for. Just being acknowledged as existing by the dreamiest girl at Nevermore, is worlds beyond a dream come true. And being acknowledged as existing by loads of other students I never even noticed before, them knowing my own secret, is worlds beyond that. Thanks for giving me hope, Nevermore. Let's talk.

Renifie Kilwith, new Nevermore student who is dreamy-eyes about Enid Sinclair, reporting in again.

To recap so far: I got moved in with my roomie Tub, caught sight of the dreamiest girl at Nevermore named Enid Sinclair, and after she read my first entry she apparently knew about me well enough that she gave me this eager and excited wave and smile in passing like maybe she was interested in meeting me.

Well, instead of meeting with her to get my story, Enid reported on her gossip blog (which I must say is very well written despite my obvs conflict of opinion) about me and rumors of what my ability is. I admit I did possibly prompt some of the rumors by being vague about it and being possibly a curse.

I want to be clear I think it's totally fair that Enid wrote about me in her blog before meeting me, because, I totally did the same thing. This makes the third entry where I've talked about Enid, but mostly about how dreamy and pretty and probably perfect she is, and that's what I want to write about her. It's perfectly fine for her to write what she wants about me, back. We're both writing what we want to write about, and that to me seems equal in fairness.

I guess the reason I haven't approached her myself directly, is that keeping my distance from people has worked so well in my past. Never approaching someone lets me feel like whenever they feel sad, it wasn't because of me. I worry that people discovering my ability will mess any shred of friendship I hope to have with someone, and I really want to have a friendship with Enid. I want to have a friendship with lots of people, but Enid especially because, if it weren't unclear enough, I feel she is just so super dreamy.

I'm just going to confess what my ability is straight out, so that rumors don't swirl around about what it is.

I get visions like Wednesday does, except mine are specifically about what your greatest worry is, that other people will find out about you. If I don't have a vision for a few days, I get to where I can't stand it and it feels like I am dying, and it will just randomly happen with whoever I am nearest by (in distance) at the time.

I can have one every day and not feel like I'm dying, so that they don't randomly happen. Weems has told me that I can visit her every day and have the vision about her greatest fear about others discovering, so that no one needs worry about me having one about them. I have visited her already, had one, and we've talked about what happened and what she is most afraid about everyone finding out about her.

Weems thinks this could actually a really powerful counseling tool, to help someone work through what they're are most scared about people finding out, but could also be super evil to know it and prey upon their fears or hold it over their heads like a threat, but I hope everyone can understand that I am not the evil kind.

All of the kids from every school I've been to, find out about it and just avoid me, so I won't know about their fears. I can see Weems every day and get it over with, so there is nothing to worry about me doing it to you.

Enid, I understand if you want to avoid me forever now. I understand that if you were seen with me, people could think that I told you a secret about somebody, and maybe want to avoid you too for associating with me. I've seen it all before. I understand. On the other hand, maybe I could help you and Wednesday understand more about visions, if that's something you want to know. I will only view your (or anyone else reading this) deepest social fear with your permission and share it only with you or only with someone else with your permission.

There. My secret ability (or curse) out.

Hey all, it's Renifie Kilwith again, the new student at Nevermore.

Last entry I confessed my adoration for Enid Sinclair and I have an exciting (to me, at least) update.

I was in Weems office talking to her about a loophole I found in the school rules that might be abused, but after interrupting me for a moment, she took a quick urgent call and had to divert her attention to a more pressing matter: Enid and her newish roomie Wednesday were then brought in while I was still there.

One of the other deputies that came in with them ushered me out as they began to talk, but I was able to catch Enid's eye directly, and she smiled at me and waved, directly to me. To ME. Like, with nobody behind me that she could be waving at!

I may be reading a lot into Enid's smile and wave to me, but it seemed like the kind of smile and wave where, maybe she didn't have time to get to know me better and wanted to set aside some time for me, but was kinda stuck in something but would totally get back with me, but had that kind of eyebrows raised "oh there you are" of recognition, so that's what I am hoping she meant.

I followed her on Insta and Tiktok, and I hear she will fb especially if the follower is a fellow student, to keep tabs on what the latest is on every corner of the gossip world, so that is my hope also.

I would just like to say to her directly, Enid, even if you don't like me, or eventually don't like me like most people did at my old schools once they found out what my power/curse is, I still think you're just the dreamiest of all, and I'll always be cheering for whichever team you side with.

I am not sure whether I want to reveal what my power is yet, for fear that I will just get outcast again like always, but I will reveal it if you want me to. I know you're the gossip of the academy and all, but I think I can trust you to learn the real story of it and hear it from me directly, instead of relying on just guesses by the rumor mill.