#never sent

Dec 6th at 7pm, I’m debuting a brand new song at Never Sent at The Forge

Dec 10th at 8pm, I’m introducing one of my favorite gay movies (Portrait of a Lady on Fire) at The Belcourt

I've written you thousands of letters. Thousands. Four thousand, five hundred and twenty three, including this one, to be exact. I remember each one of them, and yet none of them say anything new. Not for me. There is no new information in them, no sudden clarity. Not a single one of them contains a revelation or solution. They repeat and repeat and repeat all that you already know.

I miss you.

I loved you. 

I love you still.

And I can't ever get back to you.

If I did, who is to say where I would end up? Time has ever been a fickle thing and I have never been its master. It has allowed me, at times, to glimpse into its infinite nature, to steal a few seconds of sand from the endless beaches that are its kingdom, but I do not control it. 

I am its guest, not its God.

I think about stepping backwards only to find that you are already gone. What if I stepped back too far and you are not even born yet? What if, in the act of stepping back, the fabric of our story changes? 

What if this time you are the monster and you no longer see in me what you once did?

I try not to dwell on these things, I do. I try to acquaint myself with new forests and streams, new people and places and languages and histories. But this is not my home, these are not my woods. The voices that speak are never yours.

I promise I do not dwell on these thoughts for long. I have found people I care for here, and protect and guide to the best of my ability. I have tried to assemble some sort of life for myself. But there are days when I simply cannot stop myself from thinking about you. From tempting myself to just try. To see if there is a path back to you, even for a short while.

I hope that wherever you are at in time, you are safe. I hope that you are dancing and laughing - it is always the way I picture you when I glance back. 

I loved you. I love you still. 

I always will.

Yours Most Sincerely, 

L. Sunshadow, Sha’Auvrea, Sol’ba

I hope you had a great night.

And I wish the best for you, I want your dreams to come true this and the following years.

I want you to be happy and safe, to never give up and have a year of wonderful times.

Pencil in my hand.

Your name in my head.

I’d write a thousand letters

But never send a single one.

The road’s been rough.

Don’t let your head fall

Because when the day ends,

You’re all in one.

God’s gonna play you

Like a fiddle

But whatever you do

Don’t give in to his solo.

Paper’s on the table,

Your face in my mind

But my poor art

Could never compare

To your perfection.

There’s a family broken

But it loves you

And a world

That needs you.

So, don’t let your head fall

Because when the day ends,

Some time ago - 2:05am

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever said to you. I say it not wanting to sound weak or unwilling to grow through difficult times, but my heart has felt heavy for so long. For the majority of our relationship, I have felt a cloud looming over. As if we were never actually doing this alone. I reminisce on the first six months we were together - pure bliss. I have never loved a time period of my life more. I felt LOVE. That “can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series” kind of love.

I have also have never hated a time period of my life more than the year that followed. Confusion beyond belief, self hatred for things I thought were in my control (but looking back never were), eyes (everywhere but in my direction). Inadequacy like I’ve never thought someone could make me feel. Self absorption and an inflated ego is what I have been dealing with, so how could I expect you to actually see these things? I didn’t want to feel this way… I wish I knew you how your family, best friend, or classmates do, but you didn’t just show me your shadows. I was ripped apart at the expense of them. I always reference that I felt as though I was going “insane” but I don’t think I’ve ever made it clear to you. I was melting down every day. I reached out to anyone I could. All while telling you what I needed (because you were asking me to) and you not even trying to meet it. I was in such a desperate place I started smoking weed every night so that I could fall asleep without needing to exhaust myself from crying. I heard broken promises, for months. I let myself live in hell because I thought you’d go back to who you were, for months - such a mistake.

During all of this, the feelings you felt were frustration because you couldn’t fuck someone else. I told you a deep, dark fear was me stepping back and you finding interest in other places. I was met with you saying that would never happen outside the bounds of our relationship. TWO WEEKS LATER YOU WENT TO AN EVENT AND ENDED UP HAVING INTIMATE MOMENTS WITH TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Months later you finally admit that you knew what you wanted out of it and intentionally didn’t tell me before. Nightmare turned reality and all trust broken. I am all about validating your feelings, but where the fuck is the compassion for me in this situation? Truthfully, fuck your feelings. You don’t deserve anyone’s sympathy, but you sure as hell don’t deserve mine. That’d be a hard place for you to live in though because you feed off of other women comforting you.

I don’t want to be filled with hurt and negativity, but I guess thats what I accepted when a year into this relationship you told me your previous ones admitted to feeling hurt beyond belief after your time together. When I think of the moment I learned that information, I remember questioning if i believed it and brushing it off thinking “they don’t know the person I know”. Although I still believe that to some degree, overall I was wrong. They saw the bud, but I met the flower (or the weed, depending on how I look at it). So many other points in our relationship I look at and laugh at myself for not running away during. Like when you called for us to be exclusive and then the next day you invited a previous romantic interest over and cuddled together. Or like that time when we had been exclusive and you invited me out to dinner with your parents, then up to your house to help you clean for a party, but after the house was clean you proceeded to un invite me because you wanted the possibility of kissing some girl you had always dreamed of being with left open. OH WAIT, FLASH FORWARD ITS ONE OF THE GIRLS AT THE WEDDING. I left your house crying that night, passing people that were in the living room/walking into the house that were smiling at me asking me where I was going. I smiled through the tears and walked as quick as I could. Our friend had to come outside to the porch to give me the bottle of Vodka that he’d brought to the party for me because I couldn’t come inside. I ate a whole garbage plate that night, with her in the next booth. She didn’t even show up to your stupid party, but I was crying over wanting to be there.

There is so much good to you that I can’t capture into words, but unfortunately the bad is easier to write. You have given me some of my best memories, but I deserve more than few and far between. I’m done being hurt by someone that says they love me. I hope this is as explicit as you need it to be since you always said in order for you to realize something it needed to be screamed in your face.

I hope I can forgive you someday.

From,

a different me