been craving some penitent m&s lately. do you have a list of fics with either m or s apologetic/repentant/remorseful ya know, all the good stuff? one i love is 'careful' by mldrgrl it's so satisfying and scratches that angsty itch
Collector's Edition:
The En Ami of My Enemy Is My Friend
I tried to take this in many different directions; but En Ami recs panned out as the cleanest option. What can I say? They demanded their due.
Loose chronological order below~
Beshter's Seasons: Seventh
Scully had never seen Mulder so angry with her in all of their long partnership together. She had seen him angry enough to kill before, but that anger was never at her, annoyed to the point of shouting, or screaming, or sulking even, yes, but never like this. It was never to the point of the utter silence, the icy thick, frozen wall that sat between them as she perched on the edge of his couch, nor had it ever become the careful avoidance of hazel-green eyes, so pinpoint hard in an expression, dark and unmoving. That he would be angry with her, she had no doubt, but this? Hadn't he understood what she was doing? After all of the times he had run off, half-cocked, on schemes of his own, how could he possibly be this angry with her?
Following Scully and Mulder through S7, this fic tracks what led to En Ami (and what was its fallout.)
@scullywolf's (Ao3) En Ami
Initially, I thought the worst part of this whole thing was seeing the disappointment and anger on Mulder’s face. At first I felt indignant (Who was he to talk, given the number of times he’s run off on his own?), but after the blank disc and the empty office, I started thinking maybe he was right to be disappointed in me.
And then it seemed the worst part was having been so thoroughly played for a fool.
AU-- Mulder, Scully, and CSM's reflections before, during, and after (Mulder's brain disease is mentioned.)
@sigritandtheelves/DarlaBlack's Milford (Ao3)
“How do you take your coffee?” He is smiling like nothing has happened, like an innocent old man.
She can’t look him in the eye. Her stomach squeezes. She says nothing, but walks to the phone that hangs on the wall beside the refrigerator. Her fingers tremble, but she dials without hesitation.
AU-- En Ami Scully abandons the mission.
@cecilysass/cecily_sass/Cecily Sasserbaum's False Front (Ao3)
He suspects the smoking man likes the idea of Mulder, his supposed son, uncovering this. He probably got some sick little thrill imagining Mulder discovering Scully’s tawdry secret online relationship. Look, Mulder, your loyal girl betrayed you. What an extra little zing that must give him. In addition to the heady exhilaration of murdering his son’s adored partner.
Mulder slams his palm down on the steering wheel angrily.
En Ami Scully returns, victorious-- until she realizes the disc is empty.
Donna’s (Gossamer, mulderscreek) Destroying Trust (Gossamer)
He won‘t even look at me, but I can feel his anger wash over me. No, not anger, disappointment. He’s so horribly disappointed in me he can’t even speak it. He won’t even come into the room with me, standing there in the entrance, his hands holding onto the doorframe, holding him away from me.
En Ami's Scully's thoughts when the disc turns up blank.
@brenayla's (Ao3) ālea iacta est
A few weeks later, in a freshly abandoned office building, Scully feels foolish for ever hoping that a cure promised by a devil could be true.
Mulder demands to hear the details of her road trip and stays dangerously silent throughout Scully’s retelling of the 118 year old lady, the dinner, the man on the boat.
When she’s finished, he runs a hand over his face. “Is this payback? Were you trying to get back at me for what I said in Winslow?”
Post-Millennium Mulder and Scully start loosening the rules of their relationship.
DaniPayson's Was it Worth It?
Thirty-two minutes, and we were closer to my apartment now. Soon he would drop me off and drive off angry. How long would this continue? To eat away at him, to eat away at the bond we had formed over the last seven years.
Post-En Ami Scully and Mulder have a necessary conversation.
@mldrgrl's (Ao3) Divide and Conquer
Finally, she fumbles for the door handle and steps out of the car, one foot at a time, knees weak. She doesn’t remember getting from the car into her apartment, only that one moment she was there and the next she was running a bath, sitting in the darkness of her bathroom next to a single flickering candle.
Post-En Ami Mulder drives Scully home.
Shoshana's Pop Psychology
She's exhausted. Whatever sleep she's gotten in the last forty-eight hours could never be enough to compensate for the kind of stress she's been under. I glance over at her and see her eyelids flutter closed.
She can't possibly be alert enough to drive herself home so I double park my car behind hers and say, "Scully... let me have your car keys."
Post-En Ami Mulder won't leave his partner alone.
Trixie's (Whispers Of X) Your Love Like Thunder
This, like so many things between she and Mulder, was a moot point, one she didn't want to argue with him. The longer they drove, the less she thought of C.G.B. Spender and his motives. The longer they drove, the more she thought of the confrontation that was surely to come.
He was so angry.
Post-En Ami Scully and Mulder explore his anger (and she realizes he needs reassurance.)
@heartbash's (Ao3) As Friends
At that, she scoffed. “Yes, I do know exactly how it feels because you’ve done it to me countless times,” she said, pursing her lips and shaking her head in disbelief.
Undeterred by her rebuttal, he said, “This is different.”
“How is this different?!” she exclaimed, indignant.
Suddenly his expression shifts from frustration to something softer. His eyes darted away. That’s when it hits her.
Post-En Ami Scully won't apologize, but comes to understand Mulder's perspective.
Diana Battis's Iconoclasm
I'm a fool, she thought, pinching the bridge of her nose with trembling fingers. I trusted the devil.
Post-En Ami Mulder soothes Scully's guilt.
@greekowl87's (Ao3) Want (Ao3)
“The man who gave the chip that put my cancer in remission! The chip that almost cost me my life at Ruskin Dam,” I countered. “The chip we know nothing about! I am tired, Mulder! I am tired of not knowing and I don’t want to feel like this tomorrow and the day after that.”
I watched his poker face remain emotionless but something flickered in his hazel eyes. Even when he refused to give any clue as to what he was thinking, his eyes were literally a peek into his soul. I just wish I knew what he was feeling. I sighed pointlessly. This was becoming pointless.
Post-En Ami Scully gives Mulder some space.
haphazard method's As We Forgive Those
"No. The machine'll get it." But he looked at them like he was looking through them, like he could see whoever was calling standing just behind them. When the answering machine clicked on and a woman's voice began speaking, he bolted out of his chair.
"Mulder, it's me. I know you're angry at me but you have to let me explain why I went with him. I thought--" Her voice was cut off when he flipped the volume down without picking up the phone.
Post-En Ami Mulder has an unexpected conversation with door-to-door religious women.
Tess's (Ao3) Sounds of Silence
"I'll tell you who I'm not," I begin slowly. "I'm not Diana."
Mulder inhales sharply and stares at me.
Post-En Ami Mulder enforces the silent treatment.
httpspotter's Alien boy
She pulled him closer, caressing his back, hugging him. “Shhh… It’s okay, Mulder, I’m okay. We’re okay.” Scully kissed his shoulder, and then separated a bit, now holding his face in her tiny hands. “I’m sorry.”
“That you acted behind my back?”
“No,” and he smiled, of course she wouldn’t give up of being right. “That you were worried. Next time, I will set up a lie with my mom so you won’t ever know anything.”
Post-En Ami Scully and Mulder discuss their double standards and fears lovingly.
Lovesfox's Rifts
Despite the fact she had spurned his help just seconds ago, she fully expected Mulder to bring her a towel. Or to try and help her onto the couch or into his bathroom.
When no such aid came, she mumbled his name questioningly, tasting blood in the back of her throat. It made her gag.
Post-En Ami Mulder won't talk; and when forced, accidentally injures Scully (unawares) before he takes off.
Elanor G.'s Yo Creo (Gossamer)
"Seems like only yesterday that you were swallowing messianic claims of miracle cures," says Mulder. "But today, you lump it all together with witch doctors and snake charmers and New Age healers with crystals."
Where did that come from? "That's not fair, Mulder." She speaks to the window. Mulder gives her another dark look before returning his concentration to the wet pavement.
Post-En Ami Mulder and Scully finally apologize after a harrowing case.
@slippinmickeys/SlippinMickeys/Slippin' Mickeys's
87 Shades of Black (1/3, 2/3, 3/3)
I can't understand why she's still acting as if at any moment I'll leave her to fend for herself, and the child that's growing inside her.
And then it hits me.
She doesn't know that *I* know about the baby. And she thinks that because of what Diana said, that I won't want it. That I won't want her, and that I'll hate her for it.
AU-- En Ami plays out very differently: Mulder is offered one chance to get his partner back. One chance at a new life (in more ways than one.)
spookycc's High Praise
"Mulder, can you hear me?" Scully needed to make contact, to let him know she was there with him. She needed to see the light in his eyes. To know that he was still here with her, as well.
Post-En Ami CSM uses Gibson to trap Mulder and Scully.
Andrea's (xphilefic) Once Bitten
"Hi, Mulder, it's me." I smiled at the familiar greeting. "I can't make it this afternoon. Something's come up; a family emergency. I'll call you when I can."
Was this some kind of sick joke? I replayed the message; it was definitely Scully. The message was not exactly the same as the one she had left a few short months ago, but hearing those words... 'family emergency', almost took my knees out.
Post-En Ami Mulder mistakes Scully's family emergency.
@gaycrouton/OnlyTheInevitable's Those Who Wait (Ao3)
The only reason she hadn't started crying last night was because Frohike, Langly, and Byers were there. Though, by the looks of contrite pity on their faces, she might as well have been. Mulder had callously told her that the Gunmen would give her a ride home and she should take the night to put her head on straight.
Mulder and Scully face struggles and successes together through the years-- one of which includes his withdrawal post-En Ami.
ML/ML_is_me/ml_griffonnage's (Ao3, site) Though you do anything, he thinks no ill (Gossamer)
He nods to the floor, raking his hands through his hair, back and forth. "I'm sorry, Scully," he mumbles. "I was selfish, letting this happen. And I guess I thought at first that it would pass..."
He hears the squeak and sigh of the leather as Scully rises and approaches him. She kneels in front of him, and places her cool hands on his head, kissing him. "I'm so sorry," she says tears thickening her voice again. "I really wanted this for you. I really hoped..."
"I know you did," he says, looking up at her so she can see the tears swimming in his own eyes.
AU-- En Ami Mulder understands Scully wanted to cure him.
@amplifyme/wonderland/Lydia Bower's Quonochontaug (Ao3)
“Mulder… Mulder what are you doing?”
“End of the road, Scully. Just tying up loose ends.”
She dipped her head and accepted the inevitable. She’d been afraid from the onset that his fragile peace wouldn’t last. Had felt the unsettled aura that’d enveloped him the last few months, the indigo shimmer of his dissatisfaction.
She knew it was in small part her unfortunate adventure with CGB Spender; the full details of which she’d chosen not to disclose to him. But Mulder had discerned her flimsy ploy and instead of pressing her, meted out punishment by withholding his affections.
Post-En Ami Mulder sorts through the past in Quonochontaug.
prufrockslove’s (Gossamer, Colonization HQ) Alienated
All the ova – Mulder had been very specific about that. Not just many, but all; there was no way she could get pregnant the old-fashioned way, and the IVF had failed almost a year ago. Had Cancerman done something to her? The ultrasound indicated she was about four months pregnant, but the baby could be developing more rapidly than normal if it wasn't fully human.
AU-- Post-Requiem Mulder is returned, with extraordinary abilities, while Scully quietly balances her pregnancy secret and what the future of their partnership looks like.
nevdull's Timber (1/3), Timber (2/3), and Timber (3/3)
He ducked down a bit to meet her face-to-face. "We're not sure of anything, Scully. The Gunmen, Skinner, they might be okay."
"I know." Mulder knew too -- he knew that she was lying and it wasn't for the first time lately, but this was hardly the moment to press that particular case. Instead, he turned the television volume back on.
AU-- Colonization is looming; the answer to prevent is-- so Mulder, Scully, Krycek, Marita, and the Consortium believe-- was on the disc CSM destroyed.
CONCLUSION
Hope this itches that spot, too. If not, report back and I'll try to get a more specific list out!
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Go into this clever little story with an open mind and no expectations, and you will be rewarded.
Title: Intersection
Author: nevdull
Summary: A short little thing about two little dreams.
Length: 4k (~650 words)
Classification: romance/humor
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: None
Favorite line: Look, I'm hanging up and going to bed, and if I share my post-conscious with anyone, I'll let you know.
Read the story!
Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.
Interview with nevdull
nevdull has 8 stories at Gossamer, and there are more X-Files fics at her website. They wonderfully and smartly capture the Mulder/Scully dynamic in various ways. I’ve recced some of my favorites here before including Fish for Fallen Light and Gazzaniga. Big thanks to nevdull for doing this interview.
Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?
I'm surprised if there are wholly new readers, less so if people are revisiting old favorites and following discussions (like this one!) that might bring stories to their attention that they missed. I know of at least one "classic" story group reads that featured one of mine and it was extremely flattering to have been picked. I haven't done much fic re-reading myself but I completely understand the impulse to return to a beloved story.
What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?
It was all so positive for me. I'm no stranger to internet drama but I didn't get drawn into it with this community (and when drama would erupt I generally had no idea what anyone was talking about!). I had a small group of friends I knew either purely online or partially in person and read the kinds of stories I liked or were recommended. I got a chance to practice both writing and editing, and get introduced to the practice of supportive critique that fandom does especially well. (Most modern software is extensively peer-reviewed, and I think I brought a lot of what I experienced with beta reading to my practice of code review both as a programmer and a manager.)
Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?
atxc first, as I was very active on Usenet in general. But I connected most with the Scullyfic mailing list. The writing prompts were especially fun to play with.
What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?
XF is my only fandom experience—I've gotten into other shows but I've read very little other fanfic and I've never gone to cons. I tried following some of my favorite writers to other fandoms where I also liked the source material (Buffy, Bones) but it just didn't take. XF was singular for me in that way.
What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?
I got a pretty late start, I think around season 5, and had to work backward. Watching was a group ritual with my roommates and I would occasionally forward some fandom things to them like the blooper reels or super top secret spoilers, but I was the only one who went all-in with the online community.
What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?
The naughty stories! At first that was the only thing that made sense to me to read, because that was what was missing from the show. I didn't immediately grasp why anyone would read casefiles or post-ep fic or other genres—ironically these were the genres I ended up writing in. As time went on I would read just about anything from a favorite author or that got strong recommendations.
What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?
Occasional get-togethers with the Boston crew, and I had fun live-watching some of the recent season with folks on Facebook.
Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?
My memory here is pretty poor and I'm going to forget lots of authors whose work I really loved, but just to list a few: Jesemie's Evil Twin, Anjou, syntax6, prufrock’s love, cofax, Penumbra, and Vehemently.
Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?
I write (and do advocacy work for) a different sort of niche: interactive fiction, which has some overlap with video games but also the broader writing community through tools like Twine. Interactive fiction (IF) and Twine in particular has become an active area for authors from underrepresented groups. Like fanfic, IF is generally authored for free and is often people's first opportunity to get their work in front of a worldwide audience. (Also like fanfic, several IF authors have gone on to full-time writing careers as either novelists or journalists. And I know of at least one other IF author who got their start writing XF fic.) My IF story Stone Harbor definitely draws from an XF tradition, though I didn't realize that until just now!
What's the story behind your pen name?
There's a special file on many operating systems called /dev/null, which acts like a black hole—anything you write to it is immediately deleted. It's just a tweak on that.
Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?
At the time I was writing I treated it like a big secret, which seems silly now—especially since my stories are pretty tame. These days I don't advertise it just because it was so long ago, but I don't mind if people know. My husband is fully aware of the crew I hang out with on New Year's Day, and why.
Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?
I'm on Twitter as @liza and for some reason my stories are still up on https://nevdull.tripod.com/ and at Gossamer.
Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?
This story is an outstanding casefile. It's like an episode of the show, in the best sort of way. The subject is mermaids along the U.S. west coast, and Mulder-as-believer and Scully-as-skeptic are wonderfully written with wit, intelligence, and understanding. Plus, there's Mulder being jealous as well as a random little poem penned by Mulder that is probably unlike any other you'll find in an X-Files fic.
Title: Fish for Fallen Light
Author: nevdull
Summary: I started early, took my dog, and visited the sea.
Length: 120k (~20,000 words)
Classification: X-File
Rating: R
Spoilers: None listed (but it's set around seasons 6 and 7)
Favorite line: After all the secrets that've been kept from me, I realize that some things, still, should be kept hidden.
Read the story!
