#neurostake

I may be digging my own grave, but it needs to be said. Spoilers for TADC episode 9

I just finished watching TADC finale, and I liked it! Was it rushed and had a lot going on? Yeah. Was it still enjoyable? Yes!

Except for one part.

(Well, two, but that scene with Jax and Gangle *shudders* has been talked about before by other people)

During Ribbit’s confessional to Jax, she mentions that her parents were “devout Mormons” and she “…wasn’t”. She then said that she cut ties with them, but regretted it.

Now, I’m going to go ahead and say that I think this is one of the most nuanced and respectful mentions of my faith I’ve seen in modern media, even if it was slightly negative. I appreciate Goose for taking that approach.

However, I know the internet, and I know the TADC fandom. So I wanted to clear this up before people take it too far.

Latter-Day Saints, or Mormons, are not collectively bad. There are bad eggs and members who take the faith and twist it in a way to control and conquer, but that is with every religion.

Now, that isn’t do downplay anyone who has had religious trauma from their church experience. Every ward/branch, every leader, is going to be different and have different views, helpful or harmful.

However, I hope that people talk to members about the church and what they believe and get to know who they are.

I've got at least a year before I'd go so I've got time but it's something I've been thinking about. I've prayed about it and the answer I got was basically that whatever choice I make would work out.

As much I've doubted and been hurt by the church I also love the gospel. I love the Book of Mormon and want to share it. Besides all the spiritual things, going on a mission is such a unique experience that not a lot of people get to do. I feel like I'd regret not going on a mission more than I'd regret going even if it went poorly. It would delay my college graduation by two years but I am not in a rush to finish college and have a job in this economy.

She grows up with the Jedi. It's all she's ever known. They took her in when she had no one and feels like she owes them her life. Then at 17 she's framed and instead of hearing her out, they kick her out. When her innocence is finally proven they try to get her to come back but that trust is already broken. The same group that saved her life and took her in was willing to cast her out without a second thought. She knows that the Jedi Order is flawed and can't in good faith continue with them. Anakin tries to talk to her but she needs to do this on her own.

Then she's kind of bitter towards the Jedi but is still a Jedi at heart, even if she's no longer part of the Order. They were her entire life, and everything was shaped by them. Her skills, her morals, even the way she acts. She meets people who are very anti Jedi because they've been hurt by them. Ahsoka doesn't really know what to make of it. She keeps the fact that she's a former Jedi to herself, but continues to defend the Jedi when her new friends speak ill of it. She questions if walking away was the right decision.

The Siege of Mandalore happens and she's back with the Jedi, though only temporarily. Anakin gives her back her lightsabers and she's commanding an army again. She remembers how much she loved this life and these people. Before she can even think about joining them again, Order 66 happens and her people fall. She leaves her lightsabers behind so the Empire believes she's dead and doesn't come looking for her. She's cut off any and all ties with the Jedi Order.

I had a profound moment today, and I wanted to share it since it's Palm Sunday.

Today we had our Stake Easter Fireside. I sang for a lot of it, but during the times I didn't, I sat and did some pondering. I felt proud that our church has regular members volunteer their time and talents to blessing others, whether it be singing or even giving the prayer.

Then the thoughts of queer members entered my mind, and I began to feel sorrow. A lot of what I love from the church, such as the temple and a lot of callings, are barred from queer people who fully realize themselves, especially trans people. I began to have thoughts of despair as if I were queer, even though I'm straight and cisgender. I began to think of Charlie Bird not being able to go to the temple after he got married to his husband, of my nonbinary friend who was miraculously able to get baptized as an enby (my bishop is seriously amazing) but still can't get certain callings, of a kid in my home ward who's in YW but identifies as nonbinary (I think. I think they go by he/they? I can't remember), of so many queer people who would benefit greatly from Christ's gospel and the church but run the risk of not even being able to step into the waters of baptism just because they are living in a way that aligns with who they are.

And that's ironic, isn't it? The church whose main thing is fully realizing your eternal identity as a child of God and in general who you are cannot accept the fact that sometimes people do not fit in the way we thought gender, attraction, and even biological sex worked. If anyone needs the blessings and protections given through covenants, it's queer people, not because they need to change, but because they are often beaten and bruised by the world.

Luckily I didn't cry from thinking about it (I had a lot of singing to do, dang it. Like, 5 songs. Mostly choir songs, don't worry). But I still prayed about it and felt that sorrow, as if I had a tiny, itty bitty, microscopic fraction of what Jesus felt in Gethsemane. And I never got anything but that heavenly sorrow. But honestly? I'm fine with it.

That kind of revelation is not mine to have. It's for queer members and leaders to have. I've had these thoughts and sorrows before, but they would usually lead to extreme despair and meltdowns. I even came home early from my mission because of it (not my choice, but that's another story).

Imagine already being pissed off that your dad dragged you out to the wilderness and now your little brother is telling you he's better than you and you should be like him. Not saying I'd tie him up and the woods and leave him to be eaten by beasts but I think that would piss me off too.