#nesswrites

It’s like I’m getting hit from all sides today. I’ve felt uncomfortable with my body for the past couple weeks after months of being generally okay with it. I just keep looking in the mirror and cringing. My face is so feminine, and my voice is high and annoying and I hate it. Eating is a problem: I get the shakes when I don’t eat, and I feel guilty when I do. I just feel like puking every time I swallow anything. But if my hands are shaking then I can’t type and get these papers done. And I don’t know if I’ll get these papers done. My future at Brown is at stake here and I’m trying really hard not to think about that, but of course that’s what my mom wants to talk about when she calls. I’m just trying to keep my head down and be productive, but it’s like there are bad feelings everywhere. I thought I had a handle on my mental health, and I haven’t self-harmed in months. But of course, BPD and self-injury were on the abnormal psych final that my friend took, and of course she told me about it in a very sudden and triggery way (totally not her fault, I don’t think she knows?). So now I’m just paranoid and every noise is someone trying to get me and I feel super self-conscious about my scars, which brings me back around to hating my body. AND I JUST WANT TO GET THESE STUPID PAPERS DONE SO I CAN RELAX AND ACTUALLY ENJOY MY SUMMER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS WITHOUT HAVING AN INCOMPLETE HANGING OVER MY HEAD IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???