#nessingaround

I feel like the last time I ever really active on tumblr was in the year 2016, so i want to address my absence between 2017-2020. Part of it is because I feel like I owe it to my friends and mutuals who I just basically left on read and another part is because I’ve always treated this blog as a personal blog that documents my life and my growth. I put off writing this for a long time but now that I have a huge paper due, now is definitely the time.

You are welcome to skip but I will address a few hard hitting questions I feel should be answered, especially since I feel like I departed like an anti-hero of a bad tv show.

Where I am currently: I am in grad school to obtain a master’s in library and information science. I have a full time job at different middle school libraries, though I work from home now. I also tutor kids on the side to pay for my tuition because I basically make minimum wage. Quarantine messed with my head at first, but now I’m feeling much better and I’m trying to reconnect with friends and close a lot of loose ends.

TLDR: I took an extended break because tumblr mobile sucks and my laptop needed serious repairs. I made a huge migration away from social media in 2018. I prioritized my education and in-person connections, which fell to shit because of my fandom involvement in the past. I did not like the direction of the main fandom I participated in and knew that many of the people I once respected did not respect me in return/ Us versus them mentality. I recognized that I treated my life on tumblr too seriously and took petty drama personally. I am sporadically on tumblr now because I genuinely enjoy the social connection and because I still like running fandom events.

Yes, you can reblog this. I’d love for this narrative to be heard.

Original post // May 13th 2020

I want to take the moment to thank everyone who responded to my post that I made a few weeks ago. Friends who reached out through messages, old fandom-mates who expressed their support through the tags, and strangers who took time out of their day to listen— thank you.

I still can’t believe the response and the love you’ve all shown me. I truly can’t thank you all enough.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

My replies to your replies:

@ilarual

It's great to hear an update from you, Ness! Congrats on your masters work, and I'm really happy to hear that taking a break from fandom gave you the life reset you needed~~

it was SUCH a great reset laura, like i died and was reborn. multiple times. great to hear from you my dude ♥

~-~-~-~-~-~

@snorlaxlovesme

Nessie!! I always get so happy to see you getting involved in fandom events bc I missed your presence on this hellsite. I remember some parts of the fandom being tense back then but I had no idea it had escalated that much. I hope that you have a much more positive experience going forward, bc you deserve to have just as much fun as the rest of us! And BIG congrats on going for your Masters. Sounds like you've been working hard and that's fantastic ♥

thank you kelly! yeah it went from 0 to 100 but most of it happened behind the scenes. trust me i can already see a huge change in my own actions and how im treating things. things are looking up and will keep moving up ♥ i missed seeing you around too, i really did

~-~-~-~-~-~

@sojustifiable

I haven't thought about everything that went down in that 2015-2017 time frame in a long time and this was all incredibly insightful. Glad you're doing well and happy to see you around

yeah those 2/3 years was a wild ride and i’m super glad to be off it. i really do feel like i can leave it all behind now. thank you amanda! ♥

~-~-~-~-~-~

@azroazizah

I am a bab who just joined this fandom for like last year, so I don't know what happened back then at all, and I tend to shy away from any fandom dramas, but reading this makes me happy that you're happy. I love your fics <3

you’re a bab who made a huge splash!! i’ve seen your incredible fanart even though i was barely active. i didn’t know you read my fics at all, and honestly i’m so happy and thankful to have been able to reach you ♥ keep in touch my dude! i hope i can stick around the fandom for much longer now

~-~-~-~-~-~

@read--and--riot

💜💜💜💜💜💜

love u em

~-~-~-~-~-~

@awishturnedwell

This blew my mind. I was legitimately unaware due to extremely careful curation of my followings. I'm so sorry things got so intense. But ridiculously happy for you. You're an amazing person and I still love rereading your fics

thank you my dude for reading and for listening. ♥ tbh i’m thankful that the drama didn’t reach you because that means you’re following some good folk. i love seeing you around so when i came back, getting a notification from you is like a wave of comfort. (stop rereading, they’re old HAHAHAH ♥)

~-~-~-~-~-~

Thank you again, be well and be safe.

Check out #SoulEaterAnniversary or #ThisSoulResonance for more stories!

This is a kinda jumbled anecdote about how I, tumblr user l0chn3ss, went from “Soul Eater Anime Fan” to “Rare Pair Heathen of the SE Tumblr Fandom.” PS, I’m writing all this quickly since I just got home from visiting cemeteries, I’m sorry it’s choppy but yo, good shit either way.

I came across Soul Eater after listening to a cover of the opening song I believe. Around 2009 or 2010 when the anime was already done, I began to watch and marathoned through the entire show. At the time, even though I was an anime fan, I had no idea how popular the series was or even anything else about it-- all that mattered to me was that I was enjoying the anime and really wanted to know what the heck was going to happen next in the episodes. Strangely enough, I was shamed by my friends who called me a “not-a-true-anime-fan” because I watched a popular series; clearly I didn’t give a fuck though. When I got to the very last episode, I was extremely disappointed at the “punch of courage” that seemed to solve all of the main characters’ problems, and after finding out from angry comments on youtube that the anime diverged from the ongoing manga, I decided to leave it in the dust for other series that occupied my time.

Once May 2013 rolled in, my uncle and my grandma had passed away exactly one month between each other, and I was a moping ball of sadness; I promise, this is related. I failed my first year of college, I was depressed and had thoughts of Ending It All, I had zero motivation and truly believed that my other family members deserved a longer time to live than I did, blah blah, the works. Ironically, mysteriously, coincidentally, I actually visited both of their graves today just to give them a quick hello and “I’m sorry you’re dead but I ate good sushi for lunch this magical Saturday, smooches, from ya girl.” Anywho, after bombing all of my finals, on the very last day I was to be at my freshman year of college dorms, I had known that the first episode of Soul Eater Not had been released not too long ago. As a prize to me, I put on the first episode whilst in my dorm’s common room, and together with my friend, we watched the first episode of Not.

God. That theme song was a JAM.

I immediately started to tear up somehow, which was absolutely crazy and stupid, but I fell in love with the first episode and immediately took it to tumblr’s tags to get my daily fix of SEN gifs. Back then, I did not read fanfiction, but it was around that time where I stumbled upon a few SoMa authors who both kept a steady stream of gifs and works on my dashboard as well as knew other people who I could also get more-- I dove right into it. May 2013 was the month of madness and miracles because I found so many people who immediately treated me as a friend and gave me the love and distraction that I needed to get the heck away from my actual life. I found fanart and fanfics and ideas and a community and friends who liked my spirit, have gone through similar experiences, who were at a similar point in their lives as I was, and who encouraged me to also begin to write as a way to further join in on the fun, specifically on July 15th 2013 when I posted my first ever writing.

Years later, after people have come and go, after I stepped away from the fandom to graduate from college and sort my priorities, after I went on medication to keep my serotonin in check, after I made peace with life and death, after 4 years of misery, after 10 years of Soul Eater, I’m more happy than I’ve ever been in my life. I can absolutely connect that to the best friends I’ve met through the fandom experience, the friends who have stuck by me through my wild years and still in my rebellious year, the growing pains I’ve gone through to get to this point, and like, ya know, the shit, you feel?

It’s been wild, my dudes. Real stellar.

Even now, after all this time, I still consider the SE fandom my home despite my recent habits of trying to change the meta for the better. I want to see y’all grow too, and I want to continue to create a space where people can enjoy what they want to and can feel unashamed to do what the heck makes them happy. That to me is why I’ve slowly shifted my sights from the power pair Soul and Maka to literally every single other healthy pairing I can muster in my spare time. It’s so trivial and such, and yet every time someone tells me that they’ve felt inspired to pursue a smaller pairing despite the opposition, man do I feel like I’ve done something worthwhile. Be the change you want to see, what a quote.

On that note, I’m officially 24 minutes past midnight. Happy 10th Year Anniversary to Soul Eater, thank you for everything, thank you for being an incredible part of my life, and y’all can catch me still making waves where I walk.

Check out IRL: The Online Experience, the podcast, to hear our very own fandom mates talk about their Soul Eater fandom experience hosted by beloved tumblr user @meisterful if you’d like to hear more!

1ST RULE: tag 9 peoples you want to get to know more!

@queen-korri @sabraeal @kaitlinmarley @cthulhu-with-a-fez @gunningtwice @sweetprincesspeach @fullmetalgrigori @okinawasobas @happyisahabit 

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true.

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo- I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know- I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month- I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event- I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one two person that I consider to be my Best Friend™ - I live close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

because anabell is love and anabell is life

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/favorites, follows/subscriptions, visitor hits, kudos)

uh... good question

seems like Fleeting has the most reviews and faves with a STAGGERING 26 reviews HAHAHAH

3. What is your FFnNet/AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

@xwynn sheds a tear every time but i goddamn love it

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

Yeah dude @fluffypuppy77 and @quantamtheory1 for sure, something about seeing them warms my heart tbh. and then those i can’t find on tumblr but are active on ffnet are “Whispered Winters” and “8YearsOfMaka”

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

i’ll be real, i haven’t read much fanfiction lately, but if you force me to put a name on something then i’d say any of @happyisahabit‘s works

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

they’re pretty much outdated and irrelevant now

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

mythology, fantasy, supernatural, fae, witchy, magical; because i always return to my roots

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

listen, im thankful the maker of this ask game put where you can find it, but i can’t be arsed to check xD

5 mins later: i found it, but look im so pleased Total views to Profile Page : 1,881 that’s a beautiful number. a really good number. a mirrored, symmetrical number. i like that shit. NO ONE ELSE VIEW MY PROFILE FROM NOW ON. IF THAT NUMBER CHANGES I’LL CRY.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

I’ve always wanted to write obiyuki or like z.//e-ki or rusa the og ship id die for, but, one is too old shit, two im not quite there with character understanding and world competence yet but soon i’ll show up, and three the fandom is crazy and i wouldn’t touch it with a 10 meter pole. guess which.

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

to echo liz, FINISHING MY WIPS???? and also writing cute smooches would be cool tho, but im too busy writing angst for that

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

i feel attacked by question eleven and i don’t like it’s tone.

12. How many stories have you posted on FFNet/AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

69 stories on ffnet :) hehehehehehehehehe 69. + 1 cuz i posted one more a couple of days ago. i think there’s a disproportionate amount of unfinished fics to finished fics there too. it’s like schrodinger's cat at this point to my poor subcribers: am i gunna post a new fic or update an old one? if i don’t post you’ll never find out

@rebornfromash​ look hehehe 69

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

don’t.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

i have sticky notes, note cards, notebooks, dump docs on both google drive and word doc and notes on the iphone, slipped pieces of papers jammed into books, and friends who i just burst in and go “hi i have an idea and im going to use the ctrl f function to document my shit”

if i keep it solely in my head then it becomes lost and no longer a concept

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

yes i have :) good stories, better partners

16. How did you discover FFNet/AO3?

i think my very first time i ever went on the site was caused by @roni-westbrook, a dramione fic called harmony

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on FFNet/AO3?

nah

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

Thirsty Monsters From The Loch. Sip Sip Bish.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

one day i took at look at myself, and i went, “are you ready to truly become fandom trash?” and an answer came almost immediately, “hell yeah”

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Write. For. Your. Self.

i can’t say that enough because if you decide to let your audience dictate what you write and how well you write and how you feel about your writing due to the lack of reception or lots, you’re just entering a world of hurt. one day you may feel great about your writing because you got over a hundred notes, only to realize that you get at most about 30 for a popular ship and good idea sometimes and can’t figure out why. one day you may feel fabulous about your fic you worked hard on and love what youve done with it, only to see no one else cared. i’ve seen so many friends in pain from this, and i know that pity reblogs and reviews from me are only going to solve a problem in the moment and not in the long run.

you gotta be your own number one fan, realize who youre writing for and why youre writing. and alternatively if you write something for just a remote group of friends or even just one person as a gift, then please realize that their response and reaction will mean more to you than hundreds of others who simply stumbled upon it. ok?

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

i plot the skeleton most of the time, but then let the writing dictate where it’s going to go next. yeah you heard it here folks, my plot writes itself, because that’s how you get a realistic and non forced narrative

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

wow have y’all ever read that shit fic from 2015 that people took way too seriously? but that’s really it, im truly lucky

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

A C T I O N

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

this is a call out post and i don’t like this.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

number twenty four and number twenty five are conspiring against me and i feel attacked

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

Absolutely not because I either do 8K in a night or 10 words in a month and there’s zero ground inbetween

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

both yes and no because i’m extremely lucky to have been able to have a great running start in 2015, but i think i plateaued as an author in terms of quality

28. What is your favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

Fleeting is still by far my favorite story because not only is @captainpomelo a great person to work with but also i still think about it to this day, my goal for 2018 is to finish it

29. What is your least favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

shit.fic.of.2015.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

like, better, hopefully

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

lyrical writing esp when it’s 3 am and im listening to “i will survive” on repeat

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

not writing passive voice

33. Why do you write?

it looked fun, and boy was i wrong. it’s suffering.

first day of last day as an undergrad today

uncle is in critical condition in hospital

been sick for 4 weeks

depression episode started up again

its been a week or so

ate an eggo lately

added interesting classes

financial aid pulled through

bad sleep schedule

haven’t seen friends lately

haven’t seen friends lately *lenny face*

doctors appt

can’t tell if depression meds are working or not

passed all my classes last semester

small appetite

stresed out family about uncle stresses me out

signed up for a one time learn to crochet class

back to school edgy clothes

being back on the move is nice

still have so much to do but low motivation from depression

lochness monster socks

its almost the new year

new years food

results: Loch Ness Monster

try not to reblog k thx