#nessa things

Let me start off with the series’ main character, Rand Al’thor. He begins as a nobody, raised in the Two Rivers by a loving father. Little does he know, he has a spark inside him, the spark to Channel, labeling him as a male Aes Sedai. In this universe splendidly created by Robert Jordan, male Aes Sedai are regarded as evil, as something that cannot be allowed. The reason for this, many many centuries ago, they went mad and broke the world. Thousands upon thousands died. Not only all of the male Aes Sedai, but also innocent people in the wrong place at the wrong time. Mind you, this breaking wasn’t really their fault. Their magic source had been tainted by a great evil, and each time they used it, it caused them to slowly lose themselves, something completely out of their control and something no one understood until it was too late. 

Now, Rand is one of them, born with that curse. No matter what he does, even in death, he would not be free. He gets thrown into this world and has to learn to handle it on his own, to keep the madness at bay while everyone is trying to kill him and judging him. Simply because he was born with something he didn’t even want, and something no one knew how to Heal or cure. From the beginning, he is doomed. 

Eventually, one of the female Aes Sedai, Nynaeve, learns to heal the taint on the male magic source. All should be well, right? No. That stigma still remains. That fear that he will cause more deaths, and still go mad. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be not only for him, but for the other male wielders that come along in the series. Will they ever be able to live again in peace? To even prove themselves without judgement? 

How does this relate to HIV and mental illness stigmas? If you can’t already make the connection by reading between the lines and looking at the bigger picture, let me lay it out for you from the beginning. 

I, like Rand, was born with something out of my control. I was diagnosed at birth with HIV in 1996. I, like Rand, didn’t understand anything. It was out of my control, and I couldn’t say anything to anyone outside of my immediate family in fear I would be judged and avoided. Back then, people thought even spit, or a cough could transfer the virus. Back then, no one knew how long you could live with it. Like Rand, I was doomed from the beginning, never knowing if I could even have a family, or a mate, or how long I would live for. As a child, that is terrifying. Just like how terrified Rand must have been, he was so innocent in the beginning. It also didn’t help either of us, that we both grew up in the country, where information is the last place to reach. Stigmas are a thousand times worse out there. 

Eventually, we both receive a ray of hope. Nynaeve cures the taint, and for me, I am told I can expect to live a healthy, full, long life. No longer are we doomed. No longer are we wondering, “How much longer do I have?” While uplifting, that brief reprieve is short lived. Outside, there is still that stigma. That it’s contagious and is still a “death virus.” For Rand, people fear he will still go mad and kill people. For me, I am still treated as different, not as terrible as Rand’s case, but down at the bottom... The same feelings. 

This drifts into mental illness. I was diagnosed with several mental illnesses, and I work with people who also suffer from mental illnesses. These people also have HIV, and have to live with both stigmas. The male Aes Sedai, and my people face that every.fucking.day. And you don’t even know if it’ll ever end, so you learn to accept it. 

There is barely any help out there for mental health, barely any help for male Aes Sedai. Both groups, are doomed to squander on their own and survive on their own. Sure, both have other people like them, and it’s a nice reprieve, but it does not remove the issue at hand. Your mental illness will still be there, lying in the dark and waiting to strike like the viper it is. People will still be there, judging and criticizing you. The list goes on and on and on. If you’re reading this and also have a mental illness, you will understand.