#negativespeedforce

It’s hard watching someone you care about slowly forget who you are.

Harry knew that it was selfish to lie that day. But the truth was just too hard to swallow.

The conversation with the team still ran through his mind.

~Three Weeks Ago~

“You have to tell her!” Barry ordered.

When Barry woke up, he was less than pleased. They were elated when you sent a smile. But the way you were acting, it was clear you didn’t know the situation. They’d insisted that you rest. The second they’d regrouped in the cortex, Barry basically ripped into Harry.

“What good will that do, it won’t bring her memories back.”

“It doesn't matter! I’m not going to spend the last days we have with her lying to her face!! I’m going to tell her!” Barry moved to walk past, but Harry grabbed his arm, halting him.

“She has a chance to live these last days with us without feeling guilty for making that decision.” Barry’s body tensed, and the room fell quiet. Caitlin wasn’t sure what to say.

Cisco and Iris just wore expressions of regret.

“You remember how hard it was for her, living those years thinking that you hated her. Think about how much this would hurt her if she knew that removing the most horrible thing in her life took away the best thing she’s ever had. All of you.”

Barry didn’t want to admit it, but Harry was right. More than anything, he never wanted to see that look ever again. After the both of you had finally mended that bridge, he promised he’d never be the one to break it again. He would do whatever was necessary to give you the happy ending you deserved.

Harry released Barry’s hand. It dropped to his side.

“If she’s going to forget about us, then I’d rather it be at our expense, not hers.” Harry rationalized.

That’s the argument that he presented. He wanted you to be free from that burden.

So they laid out a plan. They would all take turns visiting you in Portland. Everyday, someone would spend some time with you and keep an update of your condition.

At first it was easy.

Barry wanted to be the first. Every Monday he scheduled dinner.

Each time it was just so amazing. There was a light in your eyes that he swore he’d never seen since that day. The first couple times seem to run over like a breeze.

That one afternoon when he showed up with Iris, you were elated. You wouldn’t stop rambling about the steady ease of your job and your hilarious colleagues.

It was great.

But then it just seemed to come out of nowhere…

“W-Who the hell are you people!! What are you doing in my house?!”

There was fear and confusion on your face as you held out a metal spoon, the same one you’d left to grab to serve them the mashed potato.

“(Y/N), it’s us. Barry and Iris.”

He pointed between the both of them, no longer seated. Just standing at a distance. He couldn’t forget it, that look.

Like they were strangers.

Like he was a stranger.

“You both have three seconds to get out of my house before I call the cops!!” You were waving the spoon around threateningly, and Iris sent Barry a look. He wanted to stay there, plead for you to remember, but she shook her head. Because the longer he stood there, the more frightened you looked.

“Okay, we’re leaving.”

He took Iris’s hand, and they both exited the house. The door slammed behind them, and he heard the click of the lock.

It felt almost poetic.

You weren’t just locking them out of your house, but also your life.

When Cisco visited on Tuesday, he prepared for the worst.

“Cisco! It’s about time. I was about to eat all this licorice on my own. Come in.”

Of course he hesitated.

Yet, it was nice. To see you wear such a warm expression as you vented about a rebel student in your class.

“Could you believe he said that I was a bad professor. Oh how I wish he were a criminal.”

Cisco laughed.

“I don’t think you would get away with attacking him, even if you are an ex cop.”

You raise a brow.

“An ex-cop? Cisco, what are you talking about? That’s funny. Me, a cop. I can’t even picture it.”

You continued on as if nothing happened, too invested in your rantings to see the color drain from his face.

That afternoon when he got back to Star Labs, he panicked.

“Something is wrong! You said she would only forget the memories she had with us, the ones about Thawne and the speedforce, all of it. But she was a cop way before she joined our team. Caitlin she doesn't remember being a cop!!”

He was hysterical, for good reason.

“I…That doesn’t make sense.”

The entire analysis was wrong and there was nothing they could do about it.

Caitlin made a point to carry out her visit with you coming to Star labs.

“Who are all those people outside Caitlin?”

Barry, Cisco and Iris were peering in and you gave an awkward wave.

“They’re..” Caitlin stopped, sending Harry a look.

“Just my coworkers.”

It was like swallowing an uncomfortably large pill.

Harry did his best to stick to the task at hand as Caitlin strapped on all the many patches to your body.

The rhythm of your heart was steady.

“Are you alright, any discomfort?” Harry asked.

You shook your head.

“Nope. I’m fine. Thanks again for doing this. I know it must be tedious. You even got your friend to help out. I’m sorry but what did you say your name was?” Your eyes were trained on Caitlin, and she stopped all action. You wore a friendly smile and Caitlin did her best not to show the expression of hurt that rushed through her body. She finally understood how terrible it felt. She always prepared herself when she saw her friends walk in one by one with sullen eyes. But now, experiencing it, feeling that tightness in her chest as someone who was once so close had no idea who she was.

It hurt.

“You’re welcome.”

She barely managed to force out the words, continuing with the procedure.

In the span of two months, years of memories, smiles, love, friendship, it was all gone.

This was the new reality.

“We can’t trust her.”

Barry said it right to your face. 

They’d already locked you in the pipeline. As you stood there watching them make their own assessments on your character, you held back what little tears you had left. Because your life had gone to shit the minute you’d gotten your powers. You needed to suck it up. Gather your thoughts and present your case.

“I’m not like the other Thawnes I promise you. I came here for my own safety. The people on my earth they..” Your throat gets tight.

“They think I’m a monster. “

Caitlin and Iris look at each other. There’s a bit of sympathy behind those gazes.You hope it will be enough to at least get them to believe you.

“Why would they think you’re a monster if you’re innocent.” Barry’s tone is accusatory.

“I-I swear I’m innocent I didn’t-”

“Why!”

Iris can see the rage in Barry’s eyes. They had all thought that this time they’d finally defeated every evil version of Eobard Thawne.

Your head falls against the glass in defeat. “My brother he..he made a mistake.” you admit.

Joe is curious as to what that mistake really entails. From your broken expression, it’s not hard to figure out.

“He hurt someone didn’t he?”

You raise your head, nodding slowly. You’re ashamed.

“He killed.. so many people.” You confess.

“The particle accelerator was supposed to help so many people but he refused to listen when I told him it wasn’t ready. The investors were breathing down his neck. It wasn’t his fault. The negative speed force is responsible. It changed him. I-It changed both of us!”

“You expect us to believe that after all you’ve said you’re not a killer. If he really did hurt others you just left him back on your earth and ran.”

The tears that spilled this time you’re unable to hold back.

“I stopped him…I had to I.. "

Iris understands.

“You killed him..” She mutters.

You swallow the lump in your throat, placing your hand over your lips as you cry.

“I was surprised he let you back into the mansion so quickly. “

Lionel was persuasive when he needed to be, but Lex insisted that he didn’t want to stay in the hospital. You didn’t feel right leaving his side. Afraid that he’d be back in that hospital, or worse gone.

“Hey relax. I’m fine. All healed up.”

“It’s been about two weeks, Lex. There’s no way you’re already healed. “ He smiles at you.

“Had to give it a shot.”

He’s heading towards his room, and you follow.

“I missed being in my own bed."

He says, turning back to you. He drops the bag he’d been holding. You still look bothered. Your biggest worry is how much he actually remembers. You want to know, but you’re way too scared to ask such a question. If you see even a hint of fear from him, then it might break you.

“You’re not a monster.”

You finally meet his gaze.

“I’m not going to stand here and pretend that it didn’t scare me to see you that way (Y/N).”

You swallow. The tears are threatening to spill now.

“But that’s only because I was sure that when you finally came to, you’d blame yourself. I couldn’t let you go through that.”

He was worried because of that?

“Aren’t you scared I’ll hurt you Lex, I’m dangerous!” The way he looks at you, it’s like he expected the reaction.

“You’d never hurt me.” He sounds so sure, and it just adds to your heartache.

“There is something I need to know. What you said at the hospital, did you mean it?”

“What I said..”

“I love you Lex.”

You really hadn’t expected him to remember or even hear that. It was sad that the only time you felt brave enough to tell him was when he was unconscious.

“You said that you love me.”

Lex is looking at you with such an intense gaze, and you can barely get your lips to move to admit or deny the confession. “Do you love me?” Your hands are trembling.

“I..I..” You look down. Lex takes your hand, with his right and lifts your head with his left.

“Is it true-”

“I love you!”

There, you said it.

“I love you Lex. It scares me because you’re the first person I’ve ever felt this way about. My first kiss, my first boyfriend and I thought that maybe it’s just my stupid childish mind that is producing fantasies in my head but I just..I can’t pretend that I’m not in love with you. I just love you so much that it hurts sometimes. When you got shot I felt like I was going to die because I never told you and I just-”

He kisses you, silencing the insistent rant. This kiss is raw and filled with passion that shakes you to your core. You do your best to reciprocate. In a way, it’s a bit of deja vu. He’d kissed you quite the same the first time. So hungry and desperate to show you that you weren’t the only one affected by this. Once he departs, he’s actively panting.

“I can’t wait anymore (Y/N).” His labored tone, topped with the deepening of his voice has you all kinds of excited. But you’re a bit lost, or possibly just dazed.

“Wait?..”

You mutter.

He places a kiss on your cheek, then moves to your neck. It doesn’t stop there. He keeps moving down your body, and you hold your breath when one of his hands trails up under your dress, caressing your thigh. His hand is replaced by his lips and you let out the breath with a moan. Your legs are struggling to remain steady.

“Lex..”

Your response is so shaky. He rises, eyes almost begging you. You need to exercise restraint. He was still recovering. As much as you wanted to, you needed him to heal.

“Trust me I..I want this just as much as you. But you’re still healing. We can’t Lex.”

He sort of anticipates that reply, doesn’t mean he has to be happy about it.

“Are you sure I can't persuade you otherwise? “

You close your eyes, shaking your head. Lex chuckles at your attempts to remain firm. He knows you want this just as much as he does. “I guess I have no choice in the matter.” When you open your eyes you pout.

“You didn’t even put up a fight.” Lex lets out a laugh.

“You really are something else.” He leaves another kiss on your cheek, and as he’s pulling back, his eyes twinkle. “I love you (Y/N).” Your heart warms.

“I love you more Lex Luthor.”