#negative probably

A little after midnight last night, my half sister gave birth to her first son. This is her second pregnancy. The first was a miscarriage, so I’ve spent the last nine months worrying myself to death.

She’s growing up. Over the course of the last six months, since I last visited, I haven’t heard from her as much. She hasn’t posted as much on FB either, pretty much only posting updates about the baby. I feel that lack. Like she doesn’t need her big sister anymore. I’ve always tried to do all I could for her, but I also had to work on myself, so I ended up leaving home when she was barely into middle school. Whenever she was in a jam she knew she could come to me, but she has her boyfriend now. People change when they meet partners and I fear she’s suddenly finding me lacking.

Five years ago, one of my best friends got pregnant with her first child. This was the first (and so far, still only) person in my super close friend group to get pregnant, and I had so many fantasies about being the cool aunt and helping to raise this cool little munchkin.

Except she had a lot of shit going on her in life, and I guess she wanted to work on herself, too. She shut me and our other best friend out. The first time I came home after the kiddo was born, she pretended to be super excited about letting me meet her. Until I was there. Then when the appointed time came, the kiddo was “too sick” and we couldn’t meet up.

She did come visit us later that evening, though. Drunk, ranting about this racist book she read and how “she wants a better future for the country now that she has a child,” meaning white power and privileged institutions needed to remain intact. After that, I decided friendship with her was no longer worth pursuing. Despite having mutual friends, to this day I’ve never met that child.

So yeah, fast forward to today, where my crazy evangelist brother comments on the birth announcement thread on FB, saying he was going to turn our nephew into a mini evangelist. I’ve already cut ties with him because he’s that diehard “god hates f*gs” type, but he lives down there with the family. I don’t.

I’m just terrified that I won’t be able to have a relationship with this child either, and even worse, he’ll grow up to fucking hate me because I’m queer.

Except merpeople always make me think of desire and wanting what you probably shouldn’t, because of my first exposure to the little mermaid story.

After all turning to sea foam seems like a bad thing, I mean the turning into a spirit and helping children isn’t super either.I like children but it seems kinda like a weird add on.

Like I always took it as some kind of warning about falling for an idea of a person . No one is really worth losing yourself over or say excessive suffering feeling like walking on knives, or I guess losing your voice (in relationships metaphorically ,cause I know there are other ways to communicate as I sometimes have to use them myself).

This goes I think particularly for someone you don’t know,but like still you feel stuff, ‘ cause emotions are like that.

Also I still wouldn’t be able to kill someone in their sleep because they didn’t love me. To have to consider that would be terrible.

I mean you can choose to stay with a difficult relationship that has value to you, live the life you want.And there are hard times in relationships that you work through. Probably not for like someone you see once and get a infatuated with.

It could also be about say staying in your place and not say dating out of your species? Probably not species so much as station.